I wandered into the HP fandom one day, got lost, and now I'm house shopping. I'd like something pink, with a white fence I think.
Oh....dear...lord...I smell the scandalous liaison. I actually taste it now. You can’t keep walking this tightrope much longer, can you?
You perfectly iterate my fears for Siohban in this chapter. And there Siobhan was, allowing herself to be strung along. Consenting to be played for a fool, to believe that Lucius would choose an untried girl for a woman with twice her experience. I like this master manipulator, and I’m not looking forward to a table turning.
Now, Lucius isn’t my favorite leading man in Fanfiction, but after this chapter I have to grudgingly admit...he makes a good seductor. “No, no – we must do this properly,” he tantalized.
Grammar blip: “Mr Malfoy,” The period is missing after Mr.
Author's Response: *nods, nods, nods, smiles* Thank you again for the review! And, in the UK, they don't punctuate titles such as Mr or Mrs with a period [or full stop, I should say]
Are you tormenting your readers on purpose? I feel like we’re walking a delicate tightrope, through this house visit. At every turn there’s a new *moment* that makes me wince or worry or want to protect Siohban from herself and her fantasy.
Still feeling the Draco-pity. He’s a momma’s boy and his dad is the man of his dream-girl’s fantasies. (Yes, that sentence can cause migraines.)
We really start to hear Lucius in this chapter, to see how he will respond to his admirer, and I’m convinced that we’re in for some tears eventually, but there may be a moment’s fantasy for Siohban, maybe? This may sound crazy, but I almost think Lucius might love Narcissa. I think he may be using Siohban to prick his wife and make her jealous? Of course I have been acused of being delusional before.
Favorite line of the chapter: Only as much as I detested being left here with your father. Technically she is not lying. I love that bit of snark.
Constructive comment: Though, I must admit, they’re quite becoming of you.
Would on make more sense? *sigh* Now I have to go try and find chapter 7 on live journal… *AGAIN*
Author's Response: Yes, I'm purposely tormenting you. It's so much fun :)
Draco is a momma's boy! I love you for saying that.
Lucius love Narcissa? No! Hehe. Well, you have already seen that I address that. And I will continue to address that in future chapters.
Thanks for the review :)
Oh dear, I'm so worried about Siobhan. She's going to get hurt.
Narcissa Malfoy did not give Siobhan the impression of being an overly generous woman.
I read this and thought, and do you really think Lucious is different on that accord? *thinking of Dobby* And yes, I still feel sorry for Draco. The circle of being used... it's karmic, but sad.
The mute button did come off, and we heard the other characters quite clearly. Also, I loved Luna, drifting across the page. Lovely.
Construsctive Comment: Now – you run along, and remember to give my regards to that dearest Bell of yours. Is Bell Ginny? Seems an odd phrasing.
Author's Response: Hmm, yes - Siobhan will get hurt. But that's inevitable in any romance or pseudo-romance, is it not? ;)
Hmm, yes - there's the trick with the House Elves. We all know that Lucius treats the house-elves no better than Narcissa would, but Siobhan isn't are of that, is she ;)
And as for the last comment, Bell does not refer to Ginny. Something it might interest you to learn is that Harry/Katie is my OTP ;) So it refers to Katie Bell, which would explain why Siobhan's telling him to give his regards to her, as she left Hogwarts the year before. :D
This is a great chapter, one of my favorites in this story. You take a character (my favorite of your creations) Remus's mother, and you reintroduce her to the canvas succinctly. She slides in a gets a good look at her son's teenage life away from home.
You also do some hinting and foreshadowing to the overarcing plot with Remus and Lindi's journey to a romantic liason, and the obstacles in their path.
Unlike your other readers, I know what's coming next, and it is even better than this chapter. Happy writing. :)
Author's Response: Ahhh! deanine says: …*clutches at heart* Everyone, may I introduce my brilliant beta, deanine! I see you are trying to give me a heart attack! Of course, I get your very constructive criticism in private (and it is very nicely given, btw) so I should relax. *grins* It is so good of you to take the time to leave such wonderful comments, especially considering how much time you already give to my story. I’m honored. I think Rena is my favorite, too. Remus just had to have nice parents…but his mum holds a special place in my heart. Poor thing, I think she wants to slide back out and have a good shot of Firewhiskey. Knowing you like her so much makes me really happy. And poor Remus…so many obstacles in his life. That is why he had to have loving parents. No one deserves to be loved more than he. You think what’s coming next is even better? *grins like she doesn’t have good sense* and runs off to spiff up the next chapter she’s getting ready to send her very generous and seemingly tireless beta. Thank you for the wonderful review…You made my day.
That was darkly lovely. The personalities, the suffering, their pain, it all felt so real. I hope there is a happy ending for these guys eventually. :~)
My favorite line was the bit of Ron thinking about Hermione: 'If he was honest he was more worried about her falling off than about any danger they faced from below.'
I know it wasn't the focus of the chapter at all, but it made me very happy when I read it.
Author's Response: Yay! More reviews from one of my favourite authors. :-) I like Ron's thoughts... They are always so basic and so practical. :-)
I was going to wait and review when I got to the end (caught up with your posting), but this chapter got me all weepy. Of course I got terribly weepy the first time I read Dumbledore's death, and the revision of it with Maeve's interpretetations set me off again. Why did he have to die?
I think you're doing something that will happen in the actual seventh book with Snape. I don't think he's the evil force he comes across as at the end of the sixth book. Unfortuantely, JKR hasn't given him a Maeve to read the good behind his actions and believe in him.
Excellent chapter, and sequel so far.
Author's Response: You raise an interesting point about Severus, and that's the fact that he doesn't seem to have anyone that has ever believed in him apart from Dumbledore...so why would he kill the one person who believed in him??
And I didn't like revisiting Dumbledore's death either! It was necessary because of the difference between this death and HBP...but it wasn't nice to write.
This is going to be a journal fic, yes? It's fairly balanced as far as description, tangible and intangible. The thing that confused me a bit was the date. You open with a excerpt from her journal from 1971 in which she is hopeful and excited at her invitation to attend Hogwarts and you follow that immediately with a section two years later in 1973 where she has just recieved her invitation to attend Hogwarts.
It's either a typo, or I'm reading this the wrong way.
Author's Response: it is a typo, i'm afraid.. i was really tired when i wrote the dates on the journal entries, LOL!! but, it will not be completely filled with excerpts from diaries because it would get very boring after a while. i just started it like that to introduce the characters strangely. i hope you enjoy the second chapter!! it should be posted soon, i hope.
The hurricane didn't quite get around to blowing me away, so here I am.
On to the review! Overall you have a good flow with a nice balance of description that moves through more than one sense. Not bad.
This is a very difficult first chapter for a fan-fic. You are using the Harry Potter universe, obviously, or you wouldn't be posting here. Nothing has cropped up yet to anchor you solidly in Potter's world yet. This could be posted on any fantasy-genre fan-fiction site (almost) from this opening, and I think that's why your response has been minimal. Potter fans don't yet know where your story fits in the lexicon of the fandom. You know?
Another thing that will cause people to not give a fic a chance would be the potential for Gary-Stu (Mary Sue). I try not to pigeon hole original characters (OCs), but from your opening paragraph which is highly descriptive in a complimentary way toward the OC, assumptions are made and people leave.
A couple of tips for making original characters that are fun to read.
1. Everyone has flaws. Flaws make OC's real.
2. Unique is good, but too much unique is just overkill.
Well, those are my reasons you haven't gotten a response to what is fundamentally a sound opening with good legs to stand on. If I were going to offer a criticism to your writing style it would be that your descriptions get a little flowery sometimes.
Well, good luck, happy writing, and peace!
Author's Response: Thanks for some very constructive feedback. Fitting it into where I'm going could be a bit tricky, but that's where the fun lies, right? Since I've only had a couple reads on this (back of the queue due to when I submitted it versus the rush when the queue opened) I'm not sweating that as much. Thanks for the great feedback, guess I better kill some flowers:)
Why do all the contest fics make me cry? *sigh* If I didn't like angst I'd stop reading them. :~)
This was a difficult fic for me to read because I LOVE Harry and Ginny and I want them to save each other. Reading this story, where Ginny doesn't save Harry, it was so tragic but beautiful.
I think the strongest parts were the dialogue. You have an excellent ear for the spoken word and Harry and Ginny's conversation lived and breathed.
Unfortunately, I have nothing for the constructive criticism section of the review. I'm sorry, I was crying too hard to look for anything less than perfect.
Positively lovely my dear. Narcissa walked off the page with her self centered posh princess attitude and escorted me into her world.
Unexpected love that actually would explain some of the choices Snape made in HBP. This is a polished bit of fiction.
I want to read an AU where Serverus gets the girl now! I guess I'll plot about that on the commute home tonight.
Author's Response: He does deserve to get the girl sometime, doesn't he? When you give her to him, I hope you let him hold on a good long time! And it doesn't have to be AU until after JK produces book 7; until then, there's still plenty of room for redemption! But seriously now: thank you for the applause! *bows* I'm suddenly feeling very cheery! :)
Wow, a Percy point of view story and I liked it. That is an acomplishment in and of itself.
You have a very distinctive writing style, very thoughtful and introspective with tons of metaphors, but full of vivid tangible descriptions too.
I enjoyed reading this darker look at Percy, at the evil that can come from his brand of personal weakness. I've always felt that Percy was fundamentally weak, never evil per se, and your fic reaffirmed that feeling in me.
If I were going to say anything critical it would be that sometimes your descriptions read a little awkwardly.
"The power of just the smallest thing; acting as a catalyst; can create the world’s biggest evil."
I'm definitely not the grammar police, and semicolons aren't my forte, but this reads somewhat wrong to me. I believe that items connected by a semicolon should be independent clauses, or potential independent clauses. Having the semicolons there takes what really is a sentence with an excellent concept and detracts from your impact.
There was one other grammar blip that I wanted to mention as I've edited for someone with tense jumping issues and it jumped off the page at me.
"He had unleashed this savage animal that is ransacking his home, destroying everything he once held dear to him."
That's a great sentence descriptive and lovely. One word is wrong. The "is" should be "was" so that the sentence remains in past tense as the rest of the fic has been to this point.
"He had unleashed this savage animal that was ransacking his home, destroying everything he once held dear to him."
Overall: This is a powerful character piece. Bravo, Insecurity, you did Ravenclaw proud.
Author's Response: Thank you very much! *my cat pounces on my keyboard to type what he thinks*
I know my biggest weakness is punctuation, especially the use of commas and semi-colons, so thank you for spotting the error out. I believe I am gradually getting better at it, so come christmas I should have mastered the idea of "the semi-colon".
As for the tense error, I have no excuse! I should know how to keep in past tense by now, I lecture enough people about it in their fics.
I'm glad you enjoyed it though, hopefully the second half will be up soon!
~ ~ ~”Sirius…” Sirius blinks. He cranes his neck to look behind him.
A shiver runs up his spine as if a cold, dead finger is stroking it
"Who’s there?!” he calls out to the voice, spinning clockwise to try and catch a glimpse of whatever it is.
Okay, you made me cry. The fic was full of tangible imagry and visceral emotion. The reader travels with Sirus through his frustrating journey, and we get a nice catharsis when Sirus reaches James and Lily. Of course then you finish with your final twist and make me cry, but you did label it dark and angsty, so it's my own fault. ;)
You used present tense, which I find a very challenging tense to maintain perfectly. I've beta'd for folks with serious tense jumping issues so I find myself hyper aware of such things when reading. You broke tense a couple of times, and I copied one for posterity.
He follows their beckoning calls and wade through the dark water.
Overall, excellent effort. I really enjoyed the read.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed it. And thank you for pointing that one out to me, it's been edited.
Okay, I'm a totally rabid Harry/Ginny, Hermione/Ron shipper...yet I enjoyed this fic. It has a poignant, viscerally emotional power. Excellent work.
"Especially now, in these times, I have realized not to take anything for granted, because you never know when you might lose it."
This sentence just reads a little awkwardly. I tripped over it mentally when reading the fic and had to go back. Could just be my brain, but I thought I'd mention it.
Overall: This is a lovely piece, with great imagry and real emotional pull.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your detailed review. I'm very happy you enjoyed this piece, even more so since you are a R/Hr and H/G shipper. Also thank you for your constructive comments I will certainly look over your suggestion. Thank you again!
Hey! You're doing a good job with this fic. I really enjoyed the way you used the Maze/Godric's Hollow. It was well done.
The resolution of the maze seemed too simple.
Rarely you use a word you don't mean. Like: deliberation instead of deleberated, or bought when yoiu meant brought.
Best of luck with this, and happy writing!
Author's Response: Thanks for the comments! Yes, it is one thing often said by my english tachers. I do not write enough words!
I love Harry and Ginny, and I love drama, tragedy, and angst. Is it any surprise that I enjoyed your fic? You made me cry!
It's a basic grammar quibble. When you use third person past perfect eg. the helping verb had, ran becomes run.
"I ran like I had never ran before."
Corrected: "I ran like I had never run before."
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it and thanks for the tip. I'm sorry I made you cry. I hated having Harry die, but I just thought it fit the challenge well.
Well this is an interesting beginning. You have these stacato, omnipresent, periodic lines. These lines are like a solemn expression of what's happening in the world at large. Good and evil have begun to fight in earnest and this voice is almost commentating.
Your other perspective is Lavender, in the first throes of grief for her best friend.
Now, one thing that I think detracted from your effect was when the omnipresent voice started to leak over into Lavender's perspective. When she uses Heaven and Hell, the omnipresent voice's metaphor, it blurs the line between them.
Overall, it was emotionally evocative. Good job.
Okay, Lavender is much more palatible in your story. If she starts mewling Won Won, I will be very disappointed, I tell you that. Hmm... the turning of the tables with the gossips was *important*. Lavender has always come across as silly and I think you're foreshadowing significant growth for her. She goes through a range of stages of grief. When she sees Padma and wishes that her sister had survived instead... that was a powerful, true emotion and thought. Yes it was harsh and slightly irrational, but grief is not a pretty emotion.
And off to school we go. It was sweet the way she went back for the picture. And you have a reasonable cliffhanger there at the end. I wonder who has come upon her and was plotting to defile her hair?
Overall this is a very effective chapter.
Okay, I printed your story out to read it, which means I copied the text into a word document and printed. I didn't read the summary before reading this chapter and it puzzled me, but now that I've read your summary, I know what was going on.
So, the one real quibble I have here... What about the cliffhanger from the last chapter? You're killing me....
It shoudl be interesting to see how this all fits together and plays out. Happy Writing!!
Author's Response: lol! Thank you SO much for all of the reviews! They really make my day a lot brighter.
Wow, that was a very powerful piece of fiction. You took Minerva, made her a youngster, but it still felt like her. I really enjoyed your writing style. It goes deep exploring emotion and character, but you keep a thread of tangible descriptions that keeps the fic from become too introspective.
My favorite section had to be: "These same stars had, only the night before, presided over her parents' final breaths. She envied them for being there when she was not. She hated them for doing nothing to protect her parents. She scorned them for their irrationality and imprecision. And yet, she loved them. For even in the darkest hour of deepest night, they still shone brightly."
There is an irrationality to the section that jives perfectly with a teenager grappling with grief. Bravo!
Author's Response: Wow, thanks for the review! I'm glad she seemed IC to you. I just sort of... wrote her. It's good to know that it worked. The irrationality of grief is important, and I needed to show it. Good to know that it came across. Thanks again for reading and reviewing!