I wandered into the HP fandom one day, got lost, and now I'm house shopping. I'd like something pink, with a white fence I think.
You had me so worried that Ginny was going to die, and then you slip in casually almost inconsequentally, Harry's death. This chapter is an emotional roller coaster, a happy, wonderful, terribly depressing chapter.
Bill is alive, and okay, and in love with McKee. She loves him too and they're getting married, but there's a cloud over this happy chapter.
It's not fair. If you were going to kill her. If you were going to end it like this, we desever more, another five chapters, a honeymoon, a moment of happiness.
It isn't fair.
But life is not fair, and... I'm too emotionally spent to really say anything else.
1. Happy endings aren't a bad thing.
2. Charlie cooed as his young toddler between poking fun at Ron and Hermione, who shared many excited squeezes.
I think you need at there.
Okay, this review shall lack organization. I tried to organize it and it didn't work out so I'm going to just stream through in the order comments occurred to me.
I enjoyed the dagger throwing scene, more solid characterization points. I would not want to share a room with Margaret McKee.
The flashback was interesting, asking many more questions than it answered. Who was the old man? Was it Dumbeldore? Why was her mother crying? What did he tell her? Is this about McKee's father? I guess you may answer a few of those questions sometime in the next twelve chapters. :)
Of course, the Malfoy blackmail remains intriguing.
This chapter stands out for its little details. The dagger scene, the enchanted windows, it all rings very true, very real.
Ahh, the letter was rather cute, and very snarky. I copied and pasted my favorite line for posterity.
You are stunningly petulant. Iím sure you are totally unaware that you find me handsome. Go on. Admit it.
Bill is so witty, and very male. His brave moment struck me as rather a less-than-intelligent moment as well, but that was much of it's charm ;)
I'm looking forward to these two having some more one-on-one time. She can't resist her giant forever!
And if you donít stop on this path youíve decided on, youíll end up angry and alone. Forgive
So there is vengeance in young McKee's heart? I'm sure some of it is reserved for the ugly squib with his box of fish heads, but I wonder at all the tings you've left unsaid. Who all has wronged Margaret, and how does she intend to even the scales?
And kidnapping Harry! Ack! I like it that McKee doesn't get all misty over him, but I love the little guy. Don't leave him in the box!!
Grammar Radar: There might be a lucky chance that even Dumbledore will go play with grandchildren or some such mundane thing. Yes.
Shouldn't the will be would?
I underestimated the giant.
Yes, she did. But it's actually a good thing, otherwise the kiss never ever would have happened. Fleur as dump-truck was hilarious. Rosmerita giving Bill a hard time was well-timed. :) Overall a very balanced chapter that pushed us closer to the impending romance.
Grammar Blip: There was something in the demonís blatantly superior, shallow manner that crawled under McKeeís skin and hatches thousands of maggots.
Should hatches be hatched? Or you could make it a participle, hatching thousands of maggots.
Okay, you were right, most of this chapter was very confusing and I should read year six now.
McKee's grief, self-blame, and need for redemption all shine through. Not that I really blame McKee for what happened. (Shame on Ginny for reinforcing that bit of self-blame.)
Here's hoping that there's some Bill in our future. I'm very worried about him.
This is a lovely story. James, Sirius, and Remus are a hoot to read. I laughed quite a bit.
Constructive comment: There were a few small glitches. For instance:
"Harry vanished the snack"
I think you meant snake?
More generally, there is a lot of exposition, and a couple of conversations that were very plot-serving if you know what I mean?
I guess I'm saying that you do a lot of telling instead of showing. History books tell a story. Good novels show more than they tell.
Overall: Excellent effort, enjoyed the read, and will be back for more.
Author's Response: Thankyou for your comments. I will change the Snacks (which I'm sure Harry enjoyed vanishing just as much as the snake). I'm not really sure how to put your 'tell and show' theory into practice,, but I shall try! PPL xxxx Glad you'll be reading more. My chappie has been in queue for literally about 2 weeks.
This is an excellent character piece. You watch the marauders from Lily's eyes. Characters that are only loosely penciled in cannon, become real humans with depth. It's all rather well done, with a healthy balance of description, dialogue, and internal thoughts.
Conscructive Comments: At times the prose waxes a touch prosaic. One instance of dialogue jumped out at me. QUOTE: "but weíre far from perfect, Lily. The scars on our hearts map our faults."
Would a teenager really come out with that one? It seems very deep and introspective and unreal.
Well, that's all I have. You have a distinctive writing style, and your characters are multidimensional. :)
Author's Response: Thank you. You're not the only one who has mentioned the fact that the dialogue is a bit...off. Er...I'm a teenager and I know that I would say that. But I guess I'm a bit more mature than most, so I can't really use myself as an example. Thanks for reviewing.
I just wrote a gazillion word review and got logged out in the submission.
Argh! Okay, what did I say? Good job, well balanced, multidimensional characters. It made me a little weepy.
Constructive comment: Sometimes the prose gets a touch prosaic. Example: "but weíre far from perfect, Lily. The scars on our hearts map our faults." This turn of phrase is deep and introspective and flowery for a teenager's random conversation. It seems unreal.
Overall, loved it. I like it when authors make me weepy...Now it's time to press submit and pray...
This was very touching. It brought a tear to my eye. Neville's Grandmother, battle-axe, gets to be a human for us in this. You take every little clue JKR left about this character and painted her in full color and emotion.
I think the most effective part, the part that rang most true to me, would have to be when the Ministry officials were delivering the news. We knew the news, but following her mind to that realization was perfectly understated and so sad.
Constructive comment: We live in different comma states of mind, as you well know from betaing. I wanted to add maybe ten commas, but they were quibbly.
Courtesy of The Naughty Penguin Society
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the lovely review!! Hee hee - naughty commas. You could have added them, but I would simply have swept them onto the great comma pile of doom. *giggles*
**Submitted for Lily_Evans34**
That was amazing. Really and truly amazing. Your metaphors and description were so captivating and breath taking. Coming from someone who usually skims through stories with very little dialouge, it means a lot when I say that you had me hooked on ever word. You have such a wonderful gift for expression. I could almost feel like I was Vervain, with as much thought as you put into describing her emotions.
I loved the metaphor between the ravens and love. You know that the ravens wanted to leave, but they were bound to the life they were born into. It's just like Vervain, and her marraige. It's so sorrowful and painful to think about how she felt, and the reader almost feels bad that they're sitting there, watching her go through the 'living death'. I really thought it was amazing the way that you captured her character so beautifully.
I also loved your descriptions. It was a bit overwhelming at first, compared to what I'm used to, but I then found that it fit the mood of your story wonderfully. I really never have read a fic that captures sorrow the way your's does. That was one of the best stories that I have ever read. Incredible (followed by 45 synonyms) job!
Courtesy of the Naughty Penguin Society
Very dark, deliciously dark. O.O There is one question in my mind as I finish the third chapter of this story. Who is Theodore... Who is he really? I have speculation going in my brain, but some of it seems too out there. You haven't given us a super-detailed physical description, but I have a nagging feeling that Theodore is someone we already know with a new name... I could be completely out of my mind of course.
From chapter one, there was a line where you wrote breath, and I think you meant breathe.
Everythin is vague now. You havne't really anchored this story in cannon. I don't know where I'm sitting in time, or relation to JKR's central players. It should be interesting to see what's coming. Lovely job :) :) There. Breath now.
Author's Response: Thank you for the review! Nott is himself (mentioned in Canon). The story is set between 5th and 6th year, dated via the Lexicon timeline.
Okay. I really just hard down don't like Lucius. This fic doesn't have the power to change that in me.
Siobhan I continue to like strangly enough. She is a very exostential girl. She's not worried about the intagibles, the mindsets or beliefs of her lover. She wants the moment, her moment of physical pleasure. She wants the thrill of playing a dangerous game and winning her prize. I can't say that I completely relate to that but she stays true to it.
I continue to pity Draco. When will he reallize what Siobhan and his father have been up to? How will he respond?
Finally...I wonder what Siobhan and Lucius will be exchanging at Christmas. Surely something more *cough* original than just another roll in the hay? ;)
Author's Response: I love that first comment about you not liking Lucius. You're supposed to feel exactly how you feel about Lucius, it shows I'm doing a good job. :D [On the other hand, while I don't want to romanticise him, I'm hoping to humanise him just a bit in later chapters...]
Siobhan is actually very confused about what she wants, right now she's at a point where she's really good at controlling her emotions, especially since she really doesn't have interest in Lucius as anything more than a physical object [I mean, he stands for so much of what she stands against, why would she]. I think she's liberated in the sexual sense, but her emotions are def. going to catch up on her ;)
Draco... Draco, Draco. I can't promise he'll figure out exactly what's going on anytime soon, because Siobhan and Lucius are pretty sly. But, he's not a complete idiot, of course. A series of different reactions to his different suspicions...
Ah, Christmas. I don't really have any special Christmas Smut planned, if that's what your prodding around for. If you noticed, I've started cutting off the actual sex scenes. Trying to keep it sexy but focus more on the characters.
Thanks for the review, dearest Bridge! I hope you enjoyed the thoroughly long response :)
The before and after review, lol. First off, the chapter reads smoothly (you must have an awesome beta *giggle*). As usual you write seamless sensual prose.
Siobhan's response to finding out Lucius was a Death Eater (finally) was handled well. It was a serious emotional blow and she responded accordingly. I smell foreshadowing with Snape and I don't think you are near to done with him. Also, I'm a bit worried about Harry at this point. Where has he wandered off to? Is he in trouble?
The constructive part of this review is going to be a simple difference of vision I suppose. :) We have different visions of who Lucius is. When he defends Siobhan in this chapter the thing that jumped into my head was, Lucius isn't that man, he wouldn't say that, not and mean it. /end con crit
*takes down her Harry/Siobhan bumper sticker*
Bring on the happy ending. I can take it :)
Author's Response: mwhahaha. See, sometimes when my you make a comment that I feel the need to disregard or disagree with, I want to seek you out and provide explainations, but I never do because that seems silly. But now that you\'ve brought it up in a review! *cough* In this story, Lucius has shown that he wants Siobhan to impress other men, so that he can benefit from knowing that she belongs to him. He has also inadvertently defended her from Narcissa\'s attacks, and one of the warnings he issued Snape was not to disrespect her. So, why should Siobhan be allowed insult herself. As far as Lucius is concerned, Siobhan is his, and nobody -- not even Siobhan -- is allowed insult her. In canon, Lucius is cold and behaves as though he identifies his relationships as possessions - he is not Draco\'s father, Draco is HIS son. He does not express any kind of emotion towards Draco, but places an emphasis on Draco\'s actions and abilities and reputation. He goes to the trouble of carrying out his son\'s wishes, and acting with vengeance on anyone who insults Draco, and the seeming motivation is because he, too, feels insulted. And, as cold and condescending and arrogant he is, I would not believe for a second that any person is incapable of love. But, because he is those things, he cannot express it like a normal person -- so it comes out in small flares of inadvertent actions of concern. I don\'t know... It was a command. [As indicated by the word \'commanded]\', it wasn\'t meant to appear loving, and nowhere in the text does it mention anything other than a sort of flare of temper. I think sometimes we read things different ways, and you read that line in a way that was vastly different from how it was meant to be spoken or percieved. I did as much as I could to convey it the way it was meant, but, alas, there\'s only so much I can do. There isn\'t a happy ending. There is an ambiguous ending, but I won\'t go into details here where anyone might be spoiled. *cough* [As my beta, you are fully welcome to ask...]
Harry, if you didn\'t guess, has gone off to do the whole Voldemort bit. It\'s sort of left to the imagination, so you can fit it in with canon as much or as little as you like. Some explainations will surface soon, but I sort of needed him gone for a few reasons, and all that\'s really important about it now is the fact that Siobhan is completely isolated.
And Snape is my tool. Mwahah. And I feel bad now, because I know I have plans for him, but I can\'t quite remember what they are o.o
\"Seamless sensual prose\". Hah. But, thanks for that. I really struggle with any form of narrative writing. And often feel it\'s either rushed, awkward, or just superfluous and overly wordy to make up for lack of natural ability or some other thing like that, very much resembling this sentence.
Okay. I think I responded to everything in the opposite order in which it was addresssed, and am now done. Hee.
Okay, Siobhan is not as smart as I always gave her credit for. She doesn't see it? How can she not see it? *sigh*
What a deliciously cynical, manipulative, mesmerizing original character. She knows what she wants and she's ready to go get it. I wonder if she will still want the same things after she has it?
Putting the trio and company in the compartment for the train ride was masterfully done. They showed up, provided interaction with your OC, helped ground her in this universe, but it wasn't a forced interaction at all. She wasn't an intrusion, but an observer.
As a character, Siobhan is interesting and fun to read. I don't know that I like her, per se, as in I don't think we'd be friends, but definitely fun to read.
Several questions ran through my head as I was reading.
Siobhan? Does it have a meaning as a name or an overarcing significance to the story?
Will I continue to get these strange, poor Draco feelings when viewing him through Siobhan's less than rose tinted glasses?
Will Pansy make an appearance? She is sort of Draco's cannon female protector. I don't think she'd like Siobhan.
Overall, this was a well rounded introduction, with an intriguing OC. :)
And the plot thickens. Yes, Draco is rather evil most of the time and insufferably bigoted, but I still feel sorry for him in this fic. He is enamoured of a girl who is hopelessly in lust with an image of his father (one that I'm not so sure she will find to be acurate). Her fantasies are nice, but will the man really live up to them? Honestly, I'm a little worried for Siohban. I could see Lucious chewing her up and spitting her out.
The interaction with Harry was intriguing. I wonder, foreshadowing of a friendship to come? Or maybe even more, Harry does like redheads...
There is a lovely, balanced, circular, kharmic beauty to this fic. Siohban doesn't really see the scope of the circle, not yet (I don't think). Draco uses Pansy to get what he wants without any genuine affection. Siohban is doing the same with Draco. Draco is both user and used. Who will complete the circle and use Siohban? I would wager Lucious will hurt her badly before this is over.
You answered a lot of questions for us this chapter. Who Siohban saw die was a big one for me, though I forgot to bring it up earlier.
The slowly burgeoning friendship between her and Harry is very natural and a pleasure to read. Don't know if he will ever be an alternative romance for her, but I'm really warming to the idea, and I'm a Harry/Ginny shipper. :)
I have a constructive comment this time. It took me three chapters but I had to spot something eventually!
"She found the teacher as behind her desk scribbling comments on studentsí scrolls."
The as seems out of place there.
Overall, I'm still haveing a blast reading this fic. Unfortunately, I think I'm about to fun out of chapters...
When a chapter makes me go emotionally haywire, flop on the floor, and have a siezure, the author has done their job well.
The anticipation is really building at this point. What will happen when Siohban gets her fantasy?
I did want to make a comment this time about Harry's other friends. I know Siobhan isn't really a part of their inner circle. I know her friendship is with Harry. I just keep expecting to occasionally hear the other's voices in here. Harry caught her kissing Draco, and he was there with his friends. I was waiting to hear Ron's "Bloody Hell." Hermione pushing Harry and the lot toward the exit to make sure they didn't get into a bar room brawl. It's like they others are on mute?
Well, I'm eagerly awaiting Christmas now, and I have decided to support Harry/Siobhan as a romance officially. If you're not going there, I'll survive, but I like the idea!!
Happy Writing :)
Author's Response: Hope you don't mind me responding to everything in this one review :) It's just easier, hehe
Your questions answered: No, Siobhan's name doesn't hold any particular meaning. Sometimes my names do, sometimes they don't. The only real significance is that it's an Irish name, and she's Irish. Siobhan actually started out as a minor character in my seventh year story, before she was a Slytherin, before she had her thing for Lucius. She just reallly grew on me ;)
Though the story is about Siobhan and Lucius - Draco plays a big role in the story, and will continue to do so. In Siobhan's eyes, he'll always be pretty pathetic, though the sense of the word might change. I don't want to spoil anything, but Draco is meant to be pitied, and it seems you've picked up on that very early :) Nice.
Hmm, more than friendship for Harry & Siobhan. Well, there are definitely some H/S shippers out there [see Fantasium and QueenHal if you're looking to join the club!], and they have a connection, but in this world, they'll pretty much stay platonic. ['Pretty much']. There isn't 'nothing' between them, I would very much like to write a H/S romance, but in this world, they have their attachments, and not to each other.
Siobhan is very much blinded when it comes to Lucius. You'll notice that in her thoughts - she makes excuses for him. She doesn't realise everything about his person. She doesn't discover straight away his true nature - it's a gradual thing. There are definitely consequences to her actions.
I've taken into account what you said about Harry's other friends, and you might notice in Chapter 5 that I'm actually taking that into account whilst I'm writing. I guess I didn't write their reactions because I basically saw them sitting there like 'wth?'. Harry was even mostly speechless ;)
Thanks for reviewing, I'm glad you're enjoying it!