Summary: Dolores Umbridge has the worst birthday of her life, although it could have been so wonderful! It's the first (lessons- and students-free) day of the Easter holidays and she just got a very expensive gift from the Minister for Magic himself.
This was a lovely little fic. I chuckled quite a lot. Umbridge is so much fun to torture.
Favorite moment: Harry, Ron, and Ginny on the brooms after Umbridge renigged on her deal. I just loved the characterization there.
Snape seemed unusualy kind to Granger in my opinion. :)
Overall: Lovely job! It was a fun read :)
Author's Response: Thank you for the review! And I agree, Umbridge is fun to torture. Ah, and about Snape and Hermione... Well, okay, I admit it, it was on purpose. But Snape had a moment there, because he was really annoyed with Dolores and he was kind because Hermione found the means to torture Dolores and she did it by brewing a potion! lol Thanks again!
Rated: [Reviews - ]
This is a simply lovely fic. You write Remus and Draco into a very believable situation, and it has the potential to shape a whole new world for Draco and everyone around him. I hope you continue this soon. This reads like an intro that is destined to find itself in Hogwarts. So many questions beg to be asked. Would this affect Draco's sorting? Will Draco and Harry still end up at odds? If Draco hadn't been unpleasant to harry from the start might they not have struck up more of a friendship? Might that have affecting his falling in with Ron and later requesting Not-Slytherin of the hat?
There are so many fabulous what-if questions that this spawns and with your handling of the opening chapter, I'm sure you're up to exploring it realistically and entertainingly.
Incorrect: "You were recommended specifically by the good Professor here, Mr. Lupin," Mr. Wellington's smile seemed pasted on.
Correct: "You were recommended specifically by the good Professor here, Mr. Lupin." Mr. Wellington's smile seemed pasted on.
Summary: My name is Eregonian Miran Shinai Thundeir. Not that it would matter to you. I have spent six years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and am preparing for my final year. My final year of freedom with my magic, before my family forces me to renounce my gift. While I expect this year to be the same as all others, things rarely happen in the manner which I intend them to. I invite you to accompany me, into the Gryffindor seventh year boys' dormitory, 1975, for my final year in the arms of Mother Hogwarts. EDITED BY MOD - No more than 2 line breaks please.
First off, you have some interesting ideas and it's very clear that you spent a lot of time thinking about your world, your characters, and the intricacies of their background. I commend you for that; it is one of the fundamental pillars to writing a good coherent chaptered fic.
There are some areas where you could improve. There is often a repetitive and unnecessarily formal tone to your writing. For example, you have four paragraphs on staring in the opening of this chapter. It doesn't help build tension or move the story forward. It slows the pace without adding anything.
Building a character: I think you've done a fairly good job making a character that is both flawed and interesting. He isn't very likable. Likable is not required, though interesting and readable is. :)
His interactions with the canon characters so far have been, a bit off. Please be careful that your original character doesn't pull the canon characters too far out of character. They should respond to him logically. For example, Sirius's concern and dramatic exclamations after Erego's arrival seem overstated and a bit off for him.
Some challenges you've taken on would be first person perspective and present tense. Both are challenging to maintain and can be draining/boring for a reader. It's notable that you broke perspective in this chapter, switching randomly to a third person perspective when the Marauders were exploring outside his bed. You need to be consistent with your perspective.
There are some minor typos still slipping through. In the following sentence, I think you mean I where you have a.
At the moment he finishes speaking, a throw open the seventh year boys’ dorm door. It slams satisfyingly against the wall, echoing through the dorm. I like that sound.
Overall, I think you have a solid core idea and with time the other pieces will continue to come together for you. Beta readers are an excellent tool for making this happen. Good Luck.
Summary: What might life be like eleven to twelve years after the war is over? This is an optimistic view of the Post-War Harry Potter Universe. This Fic offers a snap-shot of the Weasley's after the war, with a glimpse through the eyes of Grandmum, Molly Weasley. Then it moves on to the arrival a new addition to the Weasley/Potter clan. Hopefully it's a bit of fun!
There are some interesting concepts in here to open. For one thing you're introducing about 20 original characters all at once. The only way for your reader to try and keep up is to associate them directly with their parents and hope you continue to give lots of clues as you write along. That said, I think you handled the intro fairly well. I didn't start skimming or become bored with it.
Having James have a telepathic moment put me off for a bit, but he's a baby wizard and they can wish things, and I'll buy it.
There were a couple of errors I spotted when reading. Some inappropriate words, if where you meant of, ect. And there was one logic error. You said that Bill died in the war, but you also said Bill helped varnish her new table for her home that was built after the war. How can both be true unless they took a break from the war to varnish a table for a house that hadn't yet been built.
All the quibbling aside, this is a good beginning with a lot of promise.
Author's Response: The children are mostly for impact as you will note that they don’t largely figure into further chapters. I wanted to impress upon the reader that the Weasley\'s had prospered after the war. I am pleased that I didn\'t bore you. As for James’ telepathy, I am operating under the assumption that he is an extraordinarily powerful wizard, owing to the fact that his parents are rather special in there own right’s, his father being Harry Potter, and his mother being Ginny who is the seventh child, and the only Weasley girl child in seven generations. That and the idea that wizard children can generate spontaneous magic based on there desires. If I continue the story in a sequel James will be quite a normal wizard child by the time he starts Hogwarts, his childhood powers waning as he grows. You noted a logic problem, and you are quite right, it was meant to be Fred rather than Bill in that sentence… I have fixed the error, thanks. As for ‘ifs’ in place of ‘ofs’ and the like, I read it through a couple more times and didn’t catch any of those errors. Perhaps you are available as a Beta reader? (If so please let me know.) In any case I am glad that I met with your rather tentative approval, and I hope you enjoyed the remainder of the story. Unless you threw up your arms and left the room during chapter three… Happy reading, and thank you so much for the review!
31 October 1981. Instead of going to Azkaban, Sirius Black goes on the run, determined to catch the traitorous Peter Pettigrew even as post-war violence tears through the wizarding world. Meanwhile, Remus Lupin and a handful of others work desparately to clear Sirius' name, and to find him.
After all, they are not the only ones seeking Sirius Black. The Ministry of Magic has set the Dementors on his trail, and they have been given permission to administer the Kiss the instant he is caught. The remnants of the Death Eaters are pursuing him as well, in hopes that he will lead them to Pettigrew, whom they blame for Voldemort's defeat. (SB/RL slash)
I love this beginning. You're writing a classic AU. Take one major event and change it completely. This should cause an amazing ripple effect in the universe. You capture the emotions of the moment, from Sirius vs Peter to Sirius desperate and on the run. Bravo.
The only thing constructive I have to add is that I'm not a big fan of present tense in general. The tense is hard to maintain and generally reads with less natural flow. But, I have to say you handled the tense pretty well in this prologue.
Author's Response: thank you so much! i appreciate the review, and especially the kind words. :) I\'ve got four more completed chapters and a fifth i\'ve nearly finished with -- all are up on livejournal, if you\'d like the site.
Summary: Important events mark our lives, and each can easily be associated with a colour. Peter Pettigrew has gone through many ups and downs through-out his life, and overall has enough colours to fill a rainbow.
This is a rather fast-paced opening-and-closing shutter, skipping forward through Peter's life. You give Peter the colors, the colors are Peter. Then the flash where Peter is actually branded by the Dark mark is notable for the absence of color. It's almost a death scene in a way, a funeral. The lack of color is very appropriate.
Constructive comment: This works as it is, but I'd almost like to see more time spent on each section, more detail, more depth. Maybe a couple more sections. What color would becoming James and Lily's secret keeper have been? What color would framing Sirius have been?
Overall: This is a nice fic with good flow and a nice unifying theme.
Author's Response: As I look back at it, I\'d have to agree it was a little more quick moving than it needed to be. There is defiantly room for expansion. I\'ll have to remember to add more detail in my next one-shot. Thanks for the constructive review!
Summary: While sitting alone in the Gryffindor locker room after a game, Harry stumbles across someone he was never meant to meet.
You open with Quidditch, and you've written it well. That game can be so challenging to write fluidly. It's tempting to try to tell everything but then that gets boring. I liked your balance, and ouch, poor Harry's nose. He's always getting creamed at that game.
I honestly clicked on this story because of the title. Your opening doesn't go anywhere with the tease and that's killing me. I will simply have to read on.
Rated: [Reviews - ]
This is a classic AU plot. I love these AUs. LOVE them. Let me squee inarticulately for a moment here. But Whee!
You have a logical approach, clear prose, nice imagery. Harry is panicking and it should be interesting for Lily and James trying to figure out why their son has suddenly lost his mind. There isn't a good excuse for his suddenly personality swing and memory change. I can see the St. Mungos visit now.
"It could be West African Encephalitic fever," the Healer said.
"I don't have a fever," Harry grumbled.
"Or you could be insane," the assistant Healer offered.
Canon world should be equally interesting. He will have a fundamentally easier time of things. He has a good excuse for sudden mental confusion. I'm sure everyone will be very understanding and try to convince him that he's just jumbled from the battle. :)
I'm supposed to offer something constructive, but when I read a story in perpetual squee, I'm not so good at that. I suppose if anything, you need to play the panic from Harry carefully. It's easy to underplay what is fundamentally a complete inversion of one's universe. This should be staggering.
Now that I've squeeed on you, go write me chapter 2!
Summary: What if everyone was quite mistaken, and Lily was not Harry's mother?
Okay, this was interesting. You basically wrote a letter revising history. The point of the fic is the letter and as a one shot we know you don't plan to take it farther. It would feel more significant to me if you moved forward and let us at least see this woman, assuming she's real and not a Death Eater. That would be an interesting twist. Harry goes looking for her and finds an enemy ready to exploit his hunger for family. I'm digressing though.
It's clear your AU premise, you basically write it out in explanation for to Harry via the letter. I have a question though. Snape overheard part of the prophecy according to canon. But in your fic, Snape was told the entire prophecy by Dumbledore. I'm not sure why you changed this or how it helps the fic along. Except that you use knowledge of the entire prophecy as Harry's last it-might-really-be-true thought.
It was a good fic, an easy read, but I've loved other fics of yours better. I find letters disengaging and flat for the most part.
Quibble: I think you missed a period and some italics in this section:
Pretty much by habit at this point, he and Ron turned to Hermione as she unfolded her copy of the Daily Prophet Harry did not get to hear her report though, before something nudged his elbow.
Overall: I enjoyed it! Thanks for sharing :)
Summary: Luna’s not feeling well, but she’s having a bit of trouble figuring out why. Could it be from doxy droppings? The dusk-blooming sun rose? Or is it something even more bizarre? This story was written for expecto_patronum_this for the SPEW Secret Summer Story Swap. Post-Hogwarts, fluffy Harry/Luna.
First off, there is a major problem with this fic that I noticed before I clicked on it. It only has seven reviews. Harry/Luna fics deserve more love. They are the sweetest squishiest ship in the fandom.
The stand out star of the fic is Luna. Of course, when she's written well, she tends to steal fics. Quirky, calm, and wise, Luna is pitch perfect. Harry is adorable as the doting, worried husband/papa to be. If anything, I'd quibble that he seems a bit too doting to quickly.
The imagery is well balanced and the narrative flows very well. *sighs*
*gropes for another constructive comment* I don't think technically you are supposed to be nauseous grammatically. Isn't it nauseated?
*stamps feet* I want a sequel!!
Author's Response: Mooooooo? I hadn\'t really thought about a sequel to this, but then again, I rarely write fics with thought of continuing them. Who knows, maybe I\'ll add to it someday. Thank you for the review, dear. *huggles*
Summary: Pansy Parkinson was not an exact replica of what her parents had always longed for in a daughter, nor was she their endorsement for having made a respectable, consummated marriage. Whether others wanted to believe it or not, she had reasons for the way she looked at the world as she did. She wasn't anybody's little brainwashed, porcelain wind-up doll.
I love good, deep character studies that follow sound logic, based enough in reality to make the story ring really true. You know your subject matter and it really comes across.
Pansy's dislike of insecurity and inability to tolerate it in herself, her determine self-confidence was touching and enlightening. It's interesting that a pureblood family was desperate enough to seek Muggle psychiatric help. I could almost imagine the most radical families locking a family member in the attic first.
The Muggle psychiatrist brings to mind so many other questions. Would he have been put on modern drugs? Wizard on Prozac? Of course I don't know the standard drug therapy for BDD.
I have a couple of quibbles for you. Quibble the first: when you start the flashback, the glass in brackets feels too technical for the situation, more like something you'd see in a news article than in a string of prose.
Quibble the second: Pansy couldn't quite remember how to pronounce psychiatrist, but she knew the exact diagnosis the Muggles gave her father and had read enough to be somewhat fluent on the topic. The two things seemed incongruous to me. She's either pretty familiar with Muggle psychiatry or not, you know?
Overall, this was clean, and fun to read. It provoked a lot of questions. Lovely job.
Summary: Ron attempts to complete an essay for Snape on the Physchology of Dueling.
Okay this was a lovely humor fic. You had a fresh approach with Ron's homework as the frame. In the frame you show off the character's wit and humor and mild ineptness when it comes to schoolwork sometimes.
It had me first giggling and then chortling and finally rolling around on the floor. Bravo. The characterization of Ron was really just outstanding and funny. Ron is a witty boy and no he isn't brilliant but neither is he a doofus (as many fics portray him). You captured him so well here.
Constructive comment: This is a bit silly but there was a word that should have been hyphenated, greasy-haired or something equivalent.
Overall, really lovely job. This fic is what the humor category is around for.
Author's Response: Thanks. I was aiming for a canon humor story, so my main goal was to avoid OOCness. And I guess I hit the mark. And yes, hyphens are evil. XD
Summary: There are more ways than one to kill a man, as Fred Weasley well knows, for as the war goes on he's sure he must have experienced nearly every one. As Fred feels he's lost everything else in his life, he may as well join the Death Eaters - whether to stop what's happened to him happen to other people, of finally lose the only thing he has left; his life, by joining Voldemort, there are plenty of twists and turns along the way - and Fred isn't sure how long he has left to find out...
Written for the third Gauntlet challenge by Oppungo of Gryffindor.
Okay, wow. This was vivid and well written and it brought me down. *weeps*
As a person who loves Fred and George and loves to torture them this was a joy to read. Every word I was looking for the backstory. What could have happened to bring Fred to this moment? How could it be possible? Was George dead? How would George dying bring Fred to this??
You had me groping for answers until the very end... when you ended Fred. *weeps more*
Constructive comment: Where you say airwaves, I wonder if you mean airways?
*sniffle* Now that I've cried, I'm going to find something happier to read.
Author's Response: Thank you so much deanine! Yes - I heart Fred and George too, and just couldn\'t pass up this chance. I\'m so glad that you enjoyed it - finding the backstory was one of my favourite parts, finding the reasoning behind the terrible chain of events that took place. Yes - I did mean airways! Thanks! And thank you so much for reading and reviewing!
Summary: It's Christmas, and Colin has done something awful to Harry Potter. Suffice to say, he's feeling horrible and would like to crawl into a ball and spend the Holiday Season with his head between his knees.
Harry was his idol... Colin finds out now, that to 'idolise' someone is dangerous - very dangerous indeed. Colin is squirming with guilt, until such times as it will consume him...
Yes, there are a half-dozen little grammar blips but nothing that 5 minutes with the edit feature won't fix. I think the biggest obstacle in this fic is present tense. It is difficult to write and not have it feel awkward. I want to take a trowel to this and smooth it out a tiny bit.
You paint Colin so vividly. He's a tragic character here, and endearing and you just want to hug him. It would be easy for you to slip past the tragic and endearing point and let him become creepy and a bit scary. But Colin never feels like a stalker. He is just a spaz and a nerd and he's-- *sigh* --I can identify with Colin really, being a huge spaz and nerd.
Lovely job dear.
Author's Response: *hugs her wife/hubbie/penguin mistress* You dig out that trowel, lol! I\'ll send it on over, once you finish plastering sticky notes to the walls, hee!
You\'re not a spaz. Or a nerd. How\'d you feel if I said I based this admiration on a certain mod of mine? *comes closer with a pointy stick to deanine* *giggles*
Summary: One morning, Harry Potter wakes up in a different world. His parents are alive, and Neville now bears the scar. Things are different and Harry finds that he’s starting to like that the weight of the world is no longer on his shoulders. Unfortunately, Neville may not be able to bear that weight, and Harry has to make the decision about whether or not to allow an unprepared Neville to face the Dark Lord and complete the Prophecy, or if he should accept the responsibility again and finish what he set out to do.
With the time I was offline and away from MNFF this is the kind of fic I really really missed. Im rereading from the beginning, catching up on the bits I've missed. Karin should be unsticking the latest chapter from the queue soon. There's an error that kept the validation from going through.
this chapter is so good it postively makes my heart spasm. Am I gushing? I'm gushing.
Summary: A grieving Hermione Granger never expected to find love after Ron Weasley died, but, in the high hills overlooking Loch Ness, she does.
Originally written for Julie/myownmuggle for the Ravenclaw Spring Fic Exchange. Charlie/Hermione. A big thank you to Abigail/joybell423 for beta-ing this for me!
I love the level of detail you write in. Sometimes I find detail heavy and inhibiting to flow, but you have great balance. The story is both vivid and touching. You should be very proud of this.
Author's Response: Hi, Bridget! Thanks so much for your review--I\'m absolutely thrilled that you like it. =) Thanks again! ~Fenn
Summary: I'm not really sure how or when it happened. I'd say somewhere between when he saved my life (and didn't even mention it!) and our late-night conversation. Or maybe in third year, but I just repressed it. No matter when it happened, something clicked with James Potter, and I felt like a fool. Especially when I learned that he had a girlfriend. Hopefully with stories of a nude Petunia and my charm, he'll see the light.
This will be six chapters.
This story is cute. It made me smile. I hope you finish it soon. :)
Author's Response: Thank you! It\'ll be about two more chapters.
Summary: In a world where the Order failed and Voldemort reigns supreme, Hermione concocts a desperate brilliant scheme to reach across dimensions and find a world where Voldemort was defeated and ask for help. And they find such a world, a world where Riddle was vanquished, a utopia where Wizards and Muggles live together under a benevolent dictatorship and Harold James Potter is the heir apparent of Lords Dumbledore and Grindelwald.
This story is exactly what AU is all about. I adore it. Please READ your letter and make the 2 small corrections requested. Bridget
Summary: Hermione Weasley is just about at her breaking point. She has two options, hex her husband into oblivion or walk away. A short one-shot about the less fluffy side of marriage.
Momma didn't raise no fools *giggles* Nicely written, very descriptive and a fun read :)