I wandered into the HP fandom one day, got lost, and now I'm house shopping. I'd like something pink, with a white fence I think.
This was a lovely little fic. I chuckled quite a lot. Umbridge is so much fun to torture.
Favorite moment: Harry, Ron, and Ginny on the brooms after Umbridge renigged on her deal. I just loved the characterization there.
Snape seemed unusualy kind to Granger in my opinion. :)
Overall: Lovely job! It was a fun read :)
Author's Response: Thank you for the review! And I agree, Umbridge is fun to torture. Ah, and about Snape and Hermione... Well, okay, I admit it, it was on purpose. But Snape had a moment there, because he was really annoyed with Dolores and he was kind because Hermione found the means to torture Dolores and she did it by brewing a potion! lol Thanks again!
This is a simply lovely fic. You write Remus and Draco into a very believable situation, and it has the potential to shape a whole new world for Draco and everyone around him. I hope you continue this soon. This reads like an intro that is destined to find itself in Hogwarts. So many questions beg to be asked. Would this affect Draco's sorting? Will Draco and Harry still end up at odds? If Draco hadn't been unpleasant to harry from the start might they not have struck up more of a friendship? Might that have affecting his falling in with Ron and later requesting Not-Slytherin of the hat?
There are so many fabulous what-if questions that this spawns and with your handling of the opening chapter, I'm sure you're up to exploring it realistically and entertainingly.
Incorrect: "You were recommended specifically by the good Professor here, Mr. Lupin," Mr. Wellington's smile seemed pasted on.
Correct: "You were recommended specifically by the good Professor here, Mr. Lupin." Mr. Wellington's smile seemed pasted on.
First off, you have some interesting ideas and it's very clear that you spent a lot of time thinking about your world, your characters, and the intricacies of their background. I commend you for that; it is one of the fundamental pillars to writing a good coherent chaptered fic.
There are some areas where you could improve. There is often a repetitive and unnecessarily formal tone to your writing. For example, you have four paragraphs on staring in the opening of this chapter. It doesn't help build tension or move the story forward. It slows the pace without adding anything.
Building a character: I think you've done a fairly good job making a character that is both flawed and interesting. He isn't very likable. Likable is not required, though interesting and readable is. :)
His interactions with the canon characters so far have been, a bit off. Please be careful that your original character doesn't pull the canon characters too far out of character. They should respond to him logically. For example, Sirius's concern and dramatic exclamations after Erego's arrival seem overstated and a bit off for him.
Some challenges you've taken on would be first person perspective and present tense. Both are challenging to maintain and can be draining/boring for a reader. It's notable that you broke perspective in this chapter, switching randomly to a third person perspective when the Marauders were exploring outside his bed. You need to be consistent with your perspective.
There are some minor typos still slipping through. In the following sentence, I think you mean I where you have a.
At the moment he finishes speaking, a throw open the seventh year boys’ dorm door. It slams satisfyingly against the wall, echoing through the dorm. I like that sound.
Overall, I think you have a solid core idea and with time the other pieces will continue to come together for you. Beta readers are an excellent tool for making this happen. Good Luck.
I love this beginning. You're writing a classic AU. Take one major event and change it completely. This should cause an amazing ripple effect in the universe. You capture the emotions of the moment, from Sirius vs Peter to Sirius desperate and on the run. Bravo.
The only thing constructive I have to add is that I'm not a big fan of present tense in general. The tense is hard to maintain and generally reads with less natural flow. But, I have to say you handled the tense pretty well in this prologue.
Author's Response: thank you so much! i appreciate the review, and especially the kind words. :) I\'ve got four more completed chapters and a fifth i\'ve nearly finished with -- all are up on livejournal, if you\'d like the site.
This is a rather fast-paced opening-and-closing shutter, skipping forward through Peter's life. You give Peter the colors, the colors are Peter. Then the flash where Peter is actually branded by the Dark mark is notable for the absence of color. It's almost a death scene in a way, a funeral. The lack of color is very appropriate.
Constructive comment: This works as it is, but I'd almost like to see more time spent on each section, more detail, more depth. Maybe a couple more sections. What color would becoming James and Lily's secret keeper have been? What color would framing Sirius have been?
Overall: This is a nice fic with good flow and a nice unifying theme.
Author's Response: As I look back at it, I\'d have to agree it was a little more quick moving than it needed to be. There is defiantly room for expansion. I\'ll have to remember to add more detail in my next one-shot. Thanks for the constructive review!
You open with Quidditch, and you've written it well. That game can be so challenging to write fluidly. It's tempting to try to tell everything but then that gets boring. I liked your balance, and ouch, poor Harry's nose. He's always getting creamed at that game.
I honestly clicked on this story because of the title. Your opening doesn't go anywhere with the tease and that's killing me. I will simply have to read on.
This is a classic AU plot. I love these AUs. LOVE them. Let me squee inarticulately for a moment here. But Whee!
You have a logical approach, clear prose, nice imagery. Harry is panicking and it should be interesting for Lily and James trying to figure out why their son has suddenly lost his mind. There isn't a good excuse for his suddenly personality swing and memory change. I can see the St. Mungos visit now.
"It could be West African Encephalitic fever," the Healer said.
"I don't have a fever," Harry grumbled.
"Or you could be insane," the assistant Healer offered.
Canon world should be equally interesting. He will have a fundamentally easier time of things. He has a good excuse for sudden mental confusion. I'm sure everyone will be very understanding and try to convince him that he's just jumbled from the battle. :)
I'm supposed to offer something constructive, but when I read a story in perpetual squee, I'm not so good at that. I suppose if anything, you need to play the panic from Harry carefully. It's easy to underplay what is fundamentally a complete inversion of one's universe. This should be staggering.
Now that I've squeeed on you, go write me chapter 2!
Okay, this was interesting. You basically wrote a letter revising history. The point of the fic is the letter and as a one shot we know you don't plan to take it farther. It would feel more significant to me if you moved forward and let us at least see this woman, assuming she's real and not a Death Eater. That would be an interesting twist. Harry goes looking for her and finds an enemy ready to exploit his hunger for family. I'm digressing though.
It's clear your AU premise, you basically write it out in explanation for to Harry via the letter. I have a question though. Snape overheard part of the prophecy according to canon. But in your fic, Snape was told the entire prophecy by Dumbledore. I'm not sure why you changed this or how it helps the fic along. Except that you use knowledge of the entire prophecy as Harry's last it-might-really-be-true thought.
It was a good fic, an easy read, but I've loved other fics of yours better. I find letters disengaging and flat for the most part.
Quibble: I think you missed a period and some italics in this section:
Pretty much by habit at this point, he and Ron turned to Hermione as she unfolded her copy of the Daily Prophet Harry did not get to hear her report though, before something nudged his elbow.
Overall: I enjoyed it! Thanks for sharing :)
First off, there is a major problem with this fic that I noticed before I clicked on it. It only has seven reviews. Harry/Luna fics deserve more love. They are the sweetest squishiest ship in the fandom.
The stand out star of the fic is Luna. Of course, when she's written well, she tends to steal fics. Quirky, calm, and wise, Luna is pitch perfect. Harry is adorable as the doting, worried husband/papa to be. If anything, I'd quibble that he seems a bit too doting to quickly.
The imagery is well balanced and the narrative flows very well. *sighs*
*gropes for another constructive comment* I don't think technically you are supposed to be nauseous grammatically. Isn't it nauseated?
*stamps feet* I want a sequel!!
Author's Response: Mooooooo? I hadn\'t really thought about a sequel to this, but then again, I rarely write fics with thought of continuing them. Who knows, maybe I\'ll add to it someday. Thank you for the review, dear. *huggles*
I love good, deep character studies that follow sound logic, based enough in reality to make the story ring really true. You know your subject matter and it really comes across.
Pansy's dislike of insecurity and inability to tolerate it in herself, her determine self-confidence was touching and enlightening. It's interesting that a pureblood family was desperate enough to seek Muggle psychiatric help. I could almost imagine the most radical families locking a family member in the attic first.
The Muggle psychiatrist brings to mind so many other questions. Would he have been put on modern drugs? Wizard on Prozac? Of course I don't know the standard drug therapy for BDD.
I have a couple of quibbles for you. Quibble the first: when you start the flashback, the glass in brackets feels too technical for the situation, more like something you'd see in a news article than in a string of prose.
Quibble the second: Pansy couldn't quite remember how to pronounce psychiatrist, but she knew the exact diagnosis the Muggles gave her father and had read enough to be somewhat fluent on the topic. The two things seemed incongruous to me. She's either pretty familiar with Muggle psychiatry or not, you know?
Overall, this was clean, and fun to read. It provoked a lot of questions. Lovely job.
Okay this was a lovely humor fic. You had a fresh approach with Ron's homework as the frame. In the frame you show off the character's wit and humor and mild ineptness when it comes to schoolwork sometimes.
It had me first giggling and then chortling and finally rolling around on the floor. Bravo. The characterization of Ron was really just outstanding and funny. Ron is a witty boy and no he isn't brilliant but neither is he a doofus (as many fics portray him). You captured him so well here.
Constructive comment: This is a bit silly but there was a word that should have been hyphenated, greasy-haired or something equivalent.
Overall, really lovely job. This fic is what the humor category is around for.
Author's Response: Thanks. I was aiming for a canon humor story, so my main goal was to avoid OOCness. And I guess I hit the mark. And yes, hyphens are evil. XD
Okay, wow. This was vivid and well written and it brought me down. *weeps*
As a person who loves Fred and George and loves to torture them this was a joy to read. Every word I was looking for the backstory. What could have happened to bring Fred to this moment? How could it be possible? Was George dead? How would George dying bring Fred to this??
You had me groping for answers until the very end... when you ended Fred. *weeps more*
Constructive comment: Where you say airwaves, I wonder if you mean airways?
*sniffle* Now that I've cried, I'm going to find something happier to read.
Author's Response: Thank you so much deanine! Yes - I heart Fred and George too, and just couldn\'t pass up this chance. I\'m so glad that you enjoyed it - finding the backstory was one of my favourite parts, finding the reasoning behind the terrible chain of events that took place. Yes - I did mean airways! Thanks! And thank you so much for reading and reviewing!
Harry was his idol... Colin finds out now, that to 'idolise' someone is dangerous - very dangerous indeed. Colin is squirming with guilt, until such times as it will consume him...
Yes, there are a half-dozen little grammar blips but nothing that 5 minutes with the edit feature won't fix. I think the biggest obstacle in this fic is present tense. It is difficult to write and not have it feel awkward. I want to take a trowel to this and smooth it out a tiny bit.
You paint Colin so vividly. He's a tragic character here, and endearing and you just want to hug him. It would be easy for you to slip past the tragic and endearing point and let him become creepy and a bit scary. But Colin never feels like a stalker. He is just a spaz and a nerd and he's-- *sigh* --I can identify with Colin really, being a huge spaz and nerd.
Lovely job dear.
Author's Response: *hugs her wife/hubbie/penguin mistress* You dig out that trowel, lol! I\'ll send it on over, once you finish plastering sticky notes to the walls, hee!
You\'re not a spaz. Or a nerd. How\'d you feel if I said I based this admiration on a certain mod of mine? *comes closer with a pointy stick to deanine* *giggles*
With the time I was offline and away from MNFF this is the kind of fic I really really missed. Im rereading from the beginning, catching up on the bits I've missed. Karin should be unsticking the latest chapter from the queue soon. There's an error that kept the validation from going through.
this chapter is so good it postively makes my heart spasm. Am I gushing? I'm gushing.
Originally written for Julie/myownmuggle for the Ravenclaw Spring Fic Exchange. Charlie/Hermione. A big thank you to Abigail/joybell423 for beta-ing this for me!
I love the level of detail you write in. Sometimes I find detail heavy and inhibiting to flow, but you have great balance. The story is both vivid and touching. You should be very proud of this.
Author's Response: Hi, Bridget! Thanks so much for your review--I\'m absolutely thrilled that you like it. =) Thanks again! ~Fenn
This story is cute. It made me smile. I hope you finish it soon. :)
Author's Response: Thank you! It\'ll be about two more chapters.
This story is exactly what AU is all about. I adore it. Please READ your letter and make the 2 small corrections requested. Bridget
Momma didn't raise no fools *giggles* Nicely written, very descriptive and a fun read :)
I adore this fic. :)
Author's Response: Aww, thank you!