What a shock for the Dursleys. Now Vernon can't deny wizardry, either.
Please update soon!
Author's Response: Yes, but that's still not going to shut him up!
Please, update! pleasepleaseplease
Please tell us you didn't drop this story. Will you update? Soon, please.
I am following your story faithfully on your LiveJournal site. While you already posted many chpaters on your site, MuggleNet doesn't show them all quite yet. I know, approval of new chapters takes manpower and time. Anyway, I'd like to comment on the entire story, not just on any particular chapter.
First, the critique: Earlier (must have been around chapter 20 or 30), I had left some review where I pointed out that you begin too many sentences with pronouns (he did this, she did that, etc.) I wasn't so explicitly critical then, but I believe that that critique stands... in the earlier chapters
Secondly, I find that Kreacher neither talks nor acts like house elves do in canon. He is too articulate, doesn't misuse the third person singular, and isn't sufficiently enamored with wizards. Furthermore, he isn't reverend to them, either, just respectful. While Hermione definitely would like it better the way you paint him, I feel it is too much out of character.
Third, you introduced a great subplot with George's mental illness, but then dropped it too early.
Fourth, while you are free to write however you like, I grew very fond of JKR's use of the limited third person perspective.
While points three and four cannot be fixed without thoroughly changing the story, and in fact, aren't crucial to enjoying the plot, I would suggest that you edit your story, especially the early chapters, and deal with the first two points.
Now the praise: you have a great plot, you paint the teenagers entirely in character, despite stretching them beyond canon, and even Hermione, who comes off too wise and psychoanalytical in her dealings with Ginny, is really in character; she is that odd, overly responsible non-teenager, mentally somewhat too old and mature for her body ;-), in a very helpful way.
Furthermore, your writing was good to begin with, but has become even better. Sentences are more descriptive of moods, drag the reader more into the plot, and pronouns are less pronounced ;-).
So, thank you for a great story, continue writing, and if you can, spend some time editing what you have already written. I recall from a transcript of an event at Carnegie Hall with JKR and Stephen King (IIRC), that SK said he spent 3-4 times as much editing his stories as writing them, so don't despair, you wirte like great writers do, just carry through, as well.
Thanks again for a great story!
Author's Response: wow, sounds like you have more jeers than cheers here, but I'm getting a thicker skin with the panning I've been receiving for this story, so I won't hold it against you ;) For your first point, you did make a very valid point and I have since changed that style and I should thank you for that, because it hadn't really dawned on me that it was 'wrong.' With respect to Kreacher...well, I'm using him, that's the long and short of it. I feel like we don't see so much of him that I couldn't take some liberty and make him a more usable character, but I get your point. You probably won't like what I do with him soon, but that has become part of the story, so I doubt I'll be changing it. To the third point, you'll have to keep reading to see if I've really dropped it or not ;) I have pulled it from the forefront, the story is about Harry and Ginny, not George, but it's still there. I think as we move further into the separate chapters I do a little more of the fourth point, but you'll have to tell me ;) I'm glad you're enjoying the story and to be honest, it took me a year to write and edit the story to the point that it was in a format I could be happy with, I have edited some sections of this story so many times I the chapters have changed entirely, so have no fear, I'm all about the edits ;) I hope you continue to enjoy the story and I appreciate the constructive nature of your comments, which is a step up from a lot of people just telling me I outright suck ;) thanks again :)
I am the commenter who, on two occasions, criticized your portrayal of Kreacher and the excessive use of pronouns in early chapters.
I just want to comment on the last couple of chapters (I am following it on your LiveJournal site). They have been more than thrilling, most captivating, superb writing. Thank you and keep it up.
In response to your response to my comment of 02/04/09 3:15:
You have a thick skin, but you should not think I am very critical of your story; I like it and follow it through religiously. I so much like the plot and even your unfairly maligned subplot of George's illness, that I want you to express it as well as possible. Since you are a much better writer than I could ever be, I just offered some points that could make your story even more polished.
And you really do "get" teenagers.
Keep it up and update soon, please!
Author's Response: I'm glad you're still reading it despite all the shortfalls! I can't control the updates here, it's like watching paint dry...but you can catch up to chapter 59 on flannel_fiction, I'll be posting that today ;) Hope you continue to enjoy the story.
you can catch up to chapter 59 on flannel_fiction, I'll be posting that today ;) Hope you continue to enjoy the story.
"hope"? Are you mad?! Of course I enjoy it. That was one great chapter (coming after a series of great chapters). My comments were mostly about making sure your early chapters are as polished as the recent 30 or so, and I must say, I do think taht Kreacher is out of character. But perhaps you'll explain to us in some future chapter why. I am sure Harry, too, or at least his friends, must wonder about such a strange, exceptional house elf.
And I am glad to hear that the early subplot is going to play a role again. "you'll have to keep reading to see if I've really dropped it or not" - I got the hint)
Oh, and I ought to stress that I wanted to review partly because I've seen many reviews, especially before ch.45, blaming you for either slow action or too little Harry-Ginny snogging (though there was plenty of that as an intro).
Author's Response: I feel bad that so many people have to go elsewhere to get the chapters, but I'm glad you found them and enjoyed them. I'm getting a lot of pressure to post the next chapter...I'm conflicted to post too many chapters too quickly. You know, I thought about your comments more and looking back at OotP, which has been playing on HBO like crazy and Kreacher is very well-spoken in that movie. I know it's not the movies I should be basing on, but I think that's what coloured Kreacher the way that I have. I get complaints all the time about the speed of the story and there isn't much I can do about it now - I wrote it this way and I like slower moving stories rather than ones that assume too much too quickly. Hope you keep reading!
I can't wait for the coming chapters. Please update ... at livejournal, too.
Author's Response: I\'m working up the courage to keep going, this last chapters have been met with very differing opinions...thanks for the comment!
I wrote it this way and I like slower moving stories rather than ones that assume too much too quickly.
Well, having particularly praised you for your storyline, I am not at all upset for the slowness. One of your great strengths is how you get the teenagers.
Thanks for tracing your Kreacher source. I recall that many fans were repeatedly upset at the non reappearance of house elves in GoF, and in the merely symbolic appearance in OOTP; the director may not have "gotten" them either. Never mind that by DH, we see how they were important throughout.
Perhaps it might still be a good idea to develop this question in some subplot, but I understand you already finished the story, it is merely being edited/beta-ed, is it?
Author's Response: I knew I got it from somewhere, maybe I have seen the movies too many times ;) I have Kreacher played this way in the next fic too, which I've only just now picked up again since July...The final five chapters are being beta'd, but I have more ready to post, I'm just holding onto them ;)
On your LiveJournal page you wrote:
in my mind, if people don't comment, they must not be reading.
Well, I did post rarely (not in the least because here on MNFF the story is waaaay behind, but I never bothered getting an LJ account). However, I want to thank you for this wonderful story, and you of course know that the reader to reviewer ratio must be about 100 to one, if the discrepancy isn't even greater. Not every reader has an account, and not everyone with an account comments, far less comment regularly.
uh, I have two works that are half-finished, but I'm not sure I'll ever have time to finish them.
Why, if you are already halfway, you can post updates most regularly and continue building up your loyal readership. We want your stories!
Author's Response: I'm glad you've enjoyed it! LOL I do know that is true, I mean, I know I comment generally, but that's because I write as well or used to ;) I just let live get in the way, I doubt I'll ever revisit either of those stories, but without a doubt, I won't post either here if I do ;) Thanks for the encouragement!
I have read all the chapters you wrote so far at livejournal, and after seeing you worry about some reviews, I checked those (at siye) out, too. Well, I wanted to give you my perspective.
Some reviewers get upset that you get to too much depth; I disagree. Before you developed the characters, I found the way H&G were essentially glued at the lips a bit excessive. It reminded me of the Won Won episode.
However, now that you have developed the characters, there suddenly is a real story challenging the heros. Just continue writing however your writer's instinct leads you - it is good.
PS: You might want to consider beginning fewer paragraphs with a personal pronoun or name.
Author's Response: Thanks for your comment and yeah, they\'re a bit brutal over at SIYE sometimes...but at least they validate really fast!\r\n\r\nI think I started the story off quickly to suck people in, but now I have to slow things down to make it realistic, which some people don\'t care for - such is life. Thanks for the affirmation of decent writing :)\r\n\r\nUm, duly noted ;)
Teddy Lupin's first year at Hogwarts. Canon-compliant. Nominated for a 2008 QSQ for best Post-Hogwarts story.
The war is over, and all is well, they say, but the wounds remain unhealed. Bitterness divides the Houses of Hogwarts. Can the first children born since the war's end begin a new era, or will the enmities of their parents be their permanent legacy?
Your writing is truly amazing. You develop the characters marvelously and all this within the confines of cannon compliance; I can hardly wait for the next chapter.
By the way, for the first few chapters, as we were discovering the main 10 characters, it was quite confusing, and I was initially tempted (around chapter 4) to drop following the story, but I am glad that I didn't; shortly afterwards you got me hooked. I think that a little who-is-who reference page might be useful. After all, inter-house friendships aren't easy to keep track of.
Yes, there are a lot of characters! I tried not to introduce the whole cast at once, but since I am now very familiar with all of them in my own mind, it may be more difficult for me to see where readers might be getting lost. I actually use a private wiki to keep track of all the characters and class schedules and things. But I can't make it public, because it would contain spoilers! If I write a sequel, though, I may post some sort of roster or cast list. Thanks!
You are an awesome writer, keeping the reader's breath from chapter to chapter.
I do have two questions: house elves repeatedly stress how they cannot Aparate with children, but in Deathly Hallows, Doby did that with a three adults, including a goblin, and came back to take the trio. Why are these house elves different?
Second question: I wonder what happened to the Sorting Hat after the explosives went off. In fact, I wonder why the Sorting Hat didn't allow them to take Gryffindor's Sword while Slipfang was trying to attack them, right before the first explosion.
The honest answer is that I forgot about Dobby doing that when I wrote this. ;) Let us assume that most house-elves have never Apparated with others, and may not even know they can. Dobby was an exceptional house-elf, and he probably had a little help from his adult wizard passengers as well.
The Sorting Hat was brought back to the castle with Dewey in Chapter 27.
Hey, it's almost the end of August. When is Nat starting school and telling us about it? Can't wait!
Author's Response: Nate will be there soon, don't you worry. He just has a thing or two he needs to take care of at home first.
Well, well, it seems like a secretive, manipulative mind is lurking around the corner. Thanks for the update.
Author's Response: Oh, that's a secret!
What a SHAMe that SHAM hasn't been updated recently. Poor Nat, who does get a poem from you on your LJ, well, he is still waiting to find out where he will go to school, since that building was scary.
-- a loyal reader
Author's Response: well, thanks to your review, I have a renewed effort to finish the next chapter. It has a great deal happening in it, so it will be a very exciting one.
Author's Response: I'm working on it. Don't you worry. But as you can see, I have quite a few other stories I am currently working on.
You have some great culturally ocean crossing story here. Update please, we want to know what Nate is up to.
Author's Response: Nate has another groupie it seems. Well, I sure do my best to get the next chapter up as soon as possible.
Please continue this story. What is Lorelei up to? And Nat, is Nat going to skip school?
Author's Response: I actually just sent my next chapter to my beta, so you will know what Nate ane Lorelei are up to very soon.
Oh wow, oh wow, oh my God! So now, after a rough encounter with the aurors, Nate is actually looking them up? Harry is right, Nate might be a bit of a bum, but not a real hard core criminal. Was the jail in the US, or on a different continent?
Also, I wonder how you imagine intercontinental floo travel. It seemed somewhat complicated for floo lagged Harry and Ron, so how did Lorelei and Nate manage? [and do you need to hold little children on your lap when stepping into the floo fire, do they have bassinets ;=)]
Author's Response: Yeah, well Nate is still under a very strick probation. He has to play nice with law enforcement or...bad things happen. The jail is in the United States, but the kids aren't exactly sure where yet, but they will get some clues later. And yes, I do imagine international Floo is more complicated, and the details about it will be written into the next chapter. I'm glad you're reading and paying attention, though!