This poem is absolutely wonderful. I love the way you keep using the words "Kill the snake.", it creates some sort of rhythm.
I have to agree with Gmariam though-- the two long lines in the middle really throw the flow/rhythm off. Other than that, though, the poem is really wonderful. I like the way Neville's thoughts are all portrayed-- his indecision, then trying to convince himself and then his time of glory.
Your rhyme pattern is AABB (disregarding the 'chorus' of Kill the snake., but that rhyme scheme is not present here: I have my chance/I'd rather burn than join this fate. If you could make those two lines rhyme, it would be wondrous.
Just an idea-- while reading the poem, I felt that after the last stanza, that is 'For all out sakes/ I must kill the snake.', you could add "Kill the snake!" once more, to create some sort of symmetry-- you started the poem with those words and you're ending it with those words. It would also seem like some sort of war cry-- saying that, he cuts Nagini's head off. But it's just an idea of mine, you don't need to implement it if you don't want to... :)
On the whole though, a very good poem, with an amazing idea. And a very nicely made banner, I must add :-P
Author's Response: Hi BB! I must thank you again for the banner, you modest child. No, seriously, the banner's great! I'm glad you liked the poem. It's so weird that everyone likes this poem that I wrote at 11 o' clock at night to fulfill a deadline! I like your idea of adding "Kill the snake!" to the end, although I'm not sure I'll use it. Thanks again for both the banner and the review!! ~M_W
My, my, Shar. You've taken two subjects that are incredibly hard to characterise well-- Tom Riddle and five-year-olds, and you've managed it like a pro.
The first paragraph did exactly what a first paragraph should do-- it drew me in. I loved the imagery, I could literally see and feel the old place. The way you described it was amazing, your choice of words is impeccable, and the first few paragraphs just dripped with a certain class. :-p
Looking at the reviews that people have written for this story, the change in perspective is one thing that all of them pointed out. But I personally did not even realise the change in the perspective from Tom to John, let alone feel it jarring. Whether that is because of my dumb-headedness or the quality of your writing I truly don't know.
“So what, you wimp? What’ll you do, go complain to Harving?”
“There, that’s done, for one thing. Whaddya think, you can simply stare at me, and I be a little sissy like you and apologise?”
I personally felt that the second part that I quoted here was a little jarring, and looking back, I think I know why. In your story, Tom talks with perfect English, and the first time John talks, he too talks in perfect English. But when his speech is suddenly full of grammatical errors, it stands out a lot. I think you should change either one of the two instances where John talks, perhaps the second one.
I must say that while I can see Tom behaving the way he did here, I personally don't know if a five-year-old would do so. All the five-year-olds I know are still scared of what they do, and they simply aren't so sure of themselves. Five years isn't even first grade, and for Tom to be happy when another boy is rolling on the floor in pain, and be sure that he wanted to do something like that seems rather unnatural to me. Well, Lord Voldemort is unnatural, but I definitely would have found it more believable if you had made both Tom and John older.
"Promise me you will never ever take my toothbrush again."
I really like this line, mainly because of the emphasis. I could easily hear him saying it, and that's a sign of a good writer.
Looking back at the one shot, it seems really short. But I never felt that while reading the fic, and I definitely felt satisfied with the story, and didn't feel that it left questions unanswered, or that it felt rushed. For being able to tell a convincing and interesting story within such a short word limit is very tough, and for that I have to applaud you.
To conclude, I just have to come full circle to the starting of the story, the title. The title doesn't seem to lend itself to a dark story, in my opinion, and seems somewhat more comical. This may just be me, but I would prefer it if the story had a title that reflected it more. But on the whole, this was a lovely story, and I can see why you made Featured Author. :D
Some nitpicks specific to portions of the fic, before going on to my more general thoughts.
He had Polyjuiced himself into Snape and was heading to the Professors’ private quarters. Despite the fact that these days 'using Wikipedia' has become 'Wikipedia'd' and 'using MySpace' has become 'MySpaced', and Google is alternatively used as a noun or a verb, 'using the Polyjuice potion' can NOT become 'Polyjuiced'. Polyjuice is a noun, and NOT a verb. I would suggest reconstructing this sentence as 'He had used Polyjuice potion to become a likeness of the despicable potions master, and he was heading to the aforementioned professor's quarters.'
As Harry entered the surprisingly cozy three-roomed flat, he ran through his list of things to do. I'm sorry, but this is part of the dungeons, in the castle. It's a place where Snape stays while he's in the castle, during the school year-- the rest of the year, he stays at Spinners' End. There is no way it could be a three-roomed flat...
I never expected a British man say derivative of spank and delicious. This should be 'I never expected a British man to say a derivative of spank and delicious.
He would rather call her God than sexy ass but he wasn’t sure if Snape would admit if he missed her or not. Here, Sexy Ass should be capitalized, because you are using it as a name.
He had a feeling Snape would go for the girl that could handle a wand. Both meanings of the word apparantly. It's spelt 'apparently', and not 'apparantly'. But nitpicks aside, this is my absolute favourite line in the entire fic. It, in my opinion, embodies everything the fic is about-- the humour, the innuendo, the frivolity.
Quickly, he transfigured his long, black robes back into school robes, just as a dark figure walked around the corner and up to Harry. Harry isn't good enough at magic to transfigure one type of robes into another...
All he could think was, he nicknamed his girlfriend Sexy Ass, and his affectionate to her. here, 'his' should be 'he's', or 'he is'.
“Goodnight, Potter, now hurry up, I have a detention to dish out before retiring for the night.” I very much doubt if Severus Snape really would wish Harry back a good night. It would be much more IC for him to snarl something, say he has no time for Harry because he has a detention to oversee, and then leave. I also wouldn't use the words 'dish out' here-- dish out means to give, and Snape isn't GIVING anyone a detention. He's already given someone a detention, he's just going to OVERSEE the detention. :)
I think that's all the specific nitpicks I have, moving on to my general thoughts.
First off, I really enjoyed the humour-- especially the innuendoes-- in this fic.
However, I must say that there is no way that Severus Snape would have called his girlfriend, if he had one, Sexy Ass, or Spankalishes, or anything other than her name, really, Maybe a 'dear', if he was feeling REALLY loving (which I can't imagine, but STILL). Definitely NOT the names you've mentioned.
Moreover, if Snape was to have a woman in his room, that too frequently, wouldn't some of the professors have found out? What's more, would she have been allowed inside the castle without permission?
But on the whole, I enjoyed the story as a humour fic-- I suppose I mustn't take it too seriously. :)
I have to comment a little on your way of writing too. Something I felt was prominent in the first paragraph was short, choppy sentences. The first two lines were wonderful, they drew you into the fic, but the lines immediately following were very short and choppy. I think you should try to incorporate two or more sentences and make longer, better-flowing compound sentences.
But in the end, as a not-deep, silly humour fic, this story really scores, and you did an amazing job.
Author's Response: G'day BB, honey, it's a humor fic, don't take it so seriously. I do thank you for pointing out those mistakes and if I can find them among all the ITALIC! then I'll mix them. As for Snape being nice at the end... would you be happy if you had a girlfriend like his? Oh and who said the professors didn't know? ; ) LOL. Well, you obviously have to much time on your hands and my response is going to pail in comparison. ...xXxLove SandyxXx...
That was amazing! I didn't think I would be able to read through the entire thing, seeing as it is nearly 6000 words, but I was entertained throughout the story. I loved the characterization of the Harley-Queens, Sirius and definitely Remus. I enjoyed how each of the Queens helped somehow in the prank...
Moving on to the nitpicks, there were a lot of places where you didn't leave spaces in between two or more words, like here: "Catherinevery" It's mostly where you used italics, like here: "sucha"
Another, bigger nitpick- while I enjoyed the planning stages of the prank a lot, I felt that the end could have been much better. It's just that we're anticipating so much, and in the end it's not up to the expectations. I wanted Sirius to be utterly humiliated, with people around him commenting and stuff. What he got was just physical pain, nothing very embarassing. I would have wanted something that, perhaps, made him sing that "stupid" song at the staff table, or SOMETHING hilarious.
But despite that, I greatly enjoyed this story... And is there anyway I can read the deleted scene of Remus kissing Sarah? I mean, he DID kiss Sarah in one of the versions of this story?
Author's Response: Thanks BB, I shall fix the Italics bit straight away! I know what you mean about the prank - I'm just rubbish at writing them. This was such a hard challenge for me! Oh, I still have the snogging scene somewhere... let me look.
Everyone needs someone to hold on to, especially in dark times like these.
Sometimes, all it takes is a chocolate cheesecake and a friend – or something more – to rekindle a flame of hope.
This is such a beautiful story. I don't read much of second person, nor much of romance, but I was looking at your fics and the first lines hooked me in. Which is very good, I suppose.
What I especially liked about this fic is the fantastic use of repetition and rhyme. You never try to use obscure, large words to make your writing look good-- you use simple language in such an amazing way that you pull your reader into the fic, bind him and hold him in a state of near-hypnosis.
Unlike Spire, I actually liked the fact that all the paragraphs where Marlene observes and introduces the people around her start with their name and then a brief introduction. The repetition was nice.
When I started reading this fic, I thought the “you” was Peter Pettigrew, and he was looking around at everyone, feeling guilty for betraying them... That is, until Marlene described Peter sitting around the table.
I have to agree with Jen-- you gave a face, and you gave a personality to all those people who, so far, have just been names to us. That was a very nice touch and, as Jen said, it helps the reader to connect with not only that character, but also with why Marlene cares and fears for them.
The photograph was a very, very nice idea. Though it might not have been picked up by every reader, it shows that Marlene herself is not going to live much longer. The irony that she is worrying for everyone around her when she herself has hardly a week to live is amazing. You don't say it outright-- it's a nice, subtle touch.
The fact that James, Lily, and almost everyone else around Marlene are so cheerful provides a good contrast to Marlene's gloom and insecurity. This makes the ending even better, when she's finally with Sirius and happy-- at least for a while.
The symbolism behind the clock-- showing the precious little time that Marlene has left-- is wonderful. I could practically feel Marlene's anger and insecurity and fear and tension rising with ever tick and every tock, till the peak, where she destroyed the clock. I could literally see the scene, the way you painted it out.
I personally think the “SMASH!” should be italicised, because it too is an onomatopoeia, and onomatopoeias are generally italicised... At least, I think so... Aren't they?
I thought I’d get something from Madam Puddifoot’s to share with everyone for Valentine’s Day, but everyone except Caradoc has left, and he’s on a diet. The repetition of “everyone” sounds slightly weird to me here, but then it may just be me over-reading things.
The cheesecake was a nice, unifying symbol for Sirius and Marlene. I loved the way their relationship evolved, and the fact that the story didn't entirely revolve around just their relationship.
And you feel, in the long minutes that you spend kissing Sirius Black, that not all hope is lost while there are still moments of bliss like this in life. This is such a bitter-sweet line. She feels hope again, and wishes for more “moments of bliss”... And then, a week later, she's dead.
Everyone needs someone to hold on to, especially in dark times like these. This is really true, no matter what the “dark times” are. Things are so much easier to face with some one you love by your side...
On the whole, Chels, I really, really liked this fic. You handled second PoV like a master, and it never felt forced or excessive. In fact, it added to this fic, and it helped visualise the scenes and emotions that much better. I really do admire you, and this fic. Now when is that next QsQ coming up? :D
Wow, BB - thank you so much for this fabulous review! I'm awed by all the little details you picked up on, honoured by the compliments, and I'll try to fix up those nitpicks. I think you're right, onomatopoeias would be italicised, but in my mind it was better visually to have it not italicised so it stood out from the italicised bits before it. That's the strange way my mind works >.< But the repeated 'everyone' is definitely awkward, thanks for pointing it out. And, just, thank you again for this wonderful review! :D
Wow, Thea, that was wonderful. I liked the emotions, I liked the sex, I liked the entire thing.
Morning in winter, and the ground not covered with snow, but cold and grey
I have to say, this starting threw me off. I had to read it once or twice more to exactly understand. Perhaps you could structure the sentence in a slightly different way, so that it's less confusing?
The way you set up Lily and Remus' affair is very nice. I can see two fifteen-year olds, wondering about sex and wanting it, and all this happening. I wonder if Lily would be quite that promiscuous, but I suppose there is no evidence to the contrary, either.
I can't say you've exactly avoided cliches here-- bedwetting Peter, ladiesman!Sirius and Peter not really belonging with the Marauders, but they don't really harm the story either. They make it more interesting, on the contrary. Contraceptive potions is a thing that a lot of authors use to let their characters have a good romp with no consequences, and it's something that irks me to no end. A contraceptive spell on Hogwarts, on the other hand, isn't that improbable. I suppose there always will be things that JKR never did talk about Hogwarts, eh?
I like your characterisation of both Remus and Lily. Remus is insecure-- something likely, what with him being a werewolf and being poor. I like that Remus is definitely part of the Marauders, but not as close as James and Sirius.
Lily, as I said before, felt a tad too promiscuous to me. But even though she seemed to know everything there was to know about sex, I could see her insecurity and inexperience. Nice.
The first chapter was hilarious. I liked Lily moving in on Remus slowly, and Remus', erm, observations about Lily. This line, in particular, made me laugh:
She leaned back, and her robe fell open further, thrusting her, er, shirt into prominence.
The chapter ended on a very titillating end, and yet it didn't seem vulgar or obscene. You were toeing the line, a very thin and precarious line, but you didn't fall on either side-- you neither went into too much detail nor did you just gloss over the entire thing with the strangest of euphemisms. (I've seen both happening in other works of fiction, I swear)
Moving on to the second chapter, I'm glad it picked off immediately where the previous one left off, instead of having those ubiquitous two asterisks that could symbolise that something had happened while it could symbolise at the same time that nothing had happened.
I was a little confused, however, by several things that happened later in the chapter. First of all, you say
The night before had been a hard transformation, and he was tired.
But didn't he spend most of the night with Lily? When then did he transform? I'm assuming here that you're talking about his werewolf transformation, though it could easily be something else and I'd be headdesking here.
Both Remus and Lily's emotions after the incident were very well shown, both by their speech and their actions. The argument was done very well. I like Remus trying to be hard and cold, yet hoping that he wasn't blushing.
This may just be my thickness speaking again, but I wasn't sure at all about what you were driving at with the “other side of it” comment. By Remus' and Lily's successive comment, I assumed that you were talking about Remus' sexuality, but I wasn't really sure. I also had to read over the “Did you just – not mind with me?” part again to understand, but that was entirely because I hadn't paid enough attention-- I thought Remus had said that. >.<
Sirius' owl was very funny, and Sirius' voice just shone through xD The end of the chapter led steadily onto the next, what with the Quidditch and mentions of Edwyn and stuff.
At the start of the next chapter, the part from Lily's PoV seemed a bit random, to be honest. Everything else is from Remus' point of view, and suddenly, a part of a chapter was in Lily's point of view... I liked the scene, with her guessing whose bed which is, just by looking at them, but it seemed a little pointless to me. Moreover, were the four the only Gryffindors that year? If they weren't, then wouldn't there be a bed for the fifth or sixth people?
Both the OC's and McGonagall were characterised very well. The Quidditch was written very well, as was the scene immediately after. Sitting at the Slytherin table- ingenious!
“Well, and if you do, we’ll just miss you is all,” said Lily with finality.
“They’re both nice.” Lily was saying, as she and Remus walked up to the library together after dinner. “I can see why he’s a major heartthrob.”
Two things here. First of all, I'm not sure whether what Lily says first is a grammatical error or if you'd voluntarily written it that way. “we'll just miss you is all” sounds weird, and I don't think it's entirely correct either. Now if you were wanting to emulate how people spoke that time, it's an entirely different thing and I have no experience there. Also, I think there should be some sort of seperator between the first paragraph and the second quoted here. Some time has passed between them, and to make that more obvious and less jarring, you should put two asterisks or something. :D
Remus' reason for not joining the Quidditch team is very believable. I can definitely see him being insecure about him being poor and not wanting Sirius or Remus to spend money on him. The ending scene was very well done, I loved their conversation. It was incredibly sweet. McGonagall butting in on them was also a very nice humourous touch.
To wrap this mammoth review up, I really enjoyed this fic. I'm looking forward to the next chapters. :D
Carole, this story is truly magnificient. Or should I say... magnifique? No, I suppose I shouldn't.
However, what actually made me particularly take a liking to this story was the little touches that you added here and there-- the Kneazle, the ample chest, the the mime... They aren't anywhere near central to the story and are little things here and there, but all together, they really made an impact on me-- a good impact.
The character of Digby is absolutely amazing, I like how he is commanding and loud, and indifferent to Jordan, who is after all, just an employee. He definitely fits the bill of a newspaper editor, and I would love to see some thing starring him.
The “... story continued on pages 3, 5 and 9)” was one of those little touches I was talking about, they convince you, and make the story more believable. In fact, I found the entire article written exactly how I imagined the Daily Prophet's articles being.
And now, live from Beauxbatons Ecole de Magic, Sorcery Sounds Radio brings you a special report from our very own Lee Jordan. According to Google Translations (which I know is not a very reliable source, but it was the best I had), Ecole apparently means “school”. However it's actually Beauxbatons Academy... And, accoring to Google again, Academy is Académie in French. Now you don't have to use that either, because according to HPL, the Beauxbatons Academy's building is called the Palace of Beauxbatons... Like Hogwarts Castle.
I’m here in the Banqueting Hall of Beauxbatons awaiting the arrival of the Hogwarts students.
According to HPL again (and supposedly chapter twenty-three of the Goblet of Fire), the Beauxbatons equivalent of the Great Hall is a “Dining Chamber”.
Hogwarts is sending its team via flying train. It’s the Hogwarts Express in the air! I somehow get the feeling that the first sentence stops rather abruptly, or jerkily. I think you could try merging the two sentences with a dash, or maybe adding an exclamation mark at the end of the first sentence. However, this is a very nice idea-- what else would Hogwarts do?
I liked Lee talking to Fred-- once again, this is a very good touch. They were best friends, and I suppose Lee would do that...
Olympe Maxime is still in charge and she’s keeping things close to her very ample chest. Haha! As I said before this was an amazing line. You did a very good job of sprkinling humour through out the story.
Lavender giggled; she’d forgotten how amusing Lee could be. Would she really even know how amusing he is in the first place? Jordan being two (?) years above her would hardly have conversed with her... and that time, I don't think Jordan would have paid her much attention because of her giggly, girly nature...
She’s looking forward to reporting on every aspect of the Tournament – especially when a former crush appears. says the summary. You've nicely set it up, leading us to believe that it's going to be some sort of Brown/Jordan ship, when you suddenly introduce Wood, surprising the heck out of all of us. Wonderful.
In GoF, we see no reporters anywhere. I suppose that could be because GoF was from Harry's point of view and it isn't possible to show every single thing in a book. However, I'm sure there would have been a remark somewhere if there were reporters during the choosing of the Champions... I suppose you can write that off as modernisation, but from what we've seen of the Wizarding World, I somehow doubt it.
Grindlewald? Now that's a nice idea. I like the addition of Alexei-- Grindlewald is some one we know, and it gives a nod to that.
Ah, Maxime would obviously be pleased with the decision-- Victoire is partially French. Victoire Weasley was once again a good idea, it's some one we know.
There are no glaring time-line issues (and believe me, I checked), nor are there any problems with grammar, or tense, or spelling. My nitpicks are incredibly small, and well, nitpicky-- I really, really enjoyed this fic.
Author's Response: WOWZERS! What a lovely review, thank you, BB. I'm pleased you enjoyed the story. I really should have employed you as my technical adviser on all things Beauxbatons, though. I didn't think about the name, to be honest. I shall keep Banqueting Hall - because I like it *grins* but shall change Academie and Ecole.
I am pleased you liked the mime ghost - I think that's the bit that made me giggle the most because I really hate mimes.
As for Lavender not knowing Lee that well. I agree they wouldn't have had a lot to do with each other at Hogwarts (although two years isn't that big a gap - especially as he was by himself after Gred and Forge did a bunk *I digress*) but she had heard his Quidditch commentaries and probably listened avidly to Potterwatch as a girl.
I am pleased you liked the Prophet articles. I was trying to get a different type of writing into them (I think it's called journalese) which means it's often littered with cliches because newspaper articles usually are (as well as BOLD writing (must get that in the next one).
Thank you again for the review ... and I must get on with Chapter 2! Carole xxx
Haha, I definitely enjoyed your story. Your brand of random, yet relevant funniness is amazing. Amazing! Spectacular! Five stars! Two thumbs up! Extraord-- I'll stop now. >.>
Anywho, like I said, I really enjoyed your fic. I was snorting at Sirius at the end of the first chapter, his exaggerated reactions to the smallest of the squirrel's actions... It was hilarious, I really enjoyed it.
While your story was near-spotless in terms of grammar, spelling and punctuation (thumbs up on that), your characters seemed a little OOC (Out-Of-Character) in places, in my opinion. I didn't feel that Sirius being afraid of squirrels was very OOC, but parts of what he said or did did seem somewhat OOC, as was the case with James. For example, while I can believe Sirius being afraid of squirrels, like I said above, I can't believe Sirius being so afraid that he'd shriek like a girl and ask James to kill it and stuff... The whole Hay is for horses, Sirius. seemed in character to me, and that was an amazing line.
A wizard without a nose could frighten an entire country from even mentioning his name. HAHAHAHAHA! I didn't see this the first time I read it, but looking at it again, I cracked up. Amazing.
Moving on to the second chapter, I feel that if you're having an omniscient POV, and are mentioning Sirius and James by their first names, it's only proper to do so for Snape as well. Don't get me wrong, I by no means like the git, but I feel that it seems more proper to call him by his first name as well, especially in a fic (I don't give a spork as to what anyone calls him outside of a story).
However, talking about OOC'ness again, I personally feel that Snape wouldn't have been so anxious for James to finish his story. Of course, one could always argue that Snape wanted James to finish off the story so that he would untie or do something to Snape sooner, but that's just my point of view. I wonder if Snape would have such dirty teeth, though. Just because his hair is greasy, that does not necessitate the fact Other than that, I found Snape's characterisation vastly good.
The humour in the second chapter was really good as well. I loved Snape correcting James' grammar, and the story and everything. Wonderful. You have a flair for endings-- you leave us waiting to find out what exactly is going to happen. Good work.
On the whole, I think you've got a lovely, hilarious fic on your hands, you just have to watch out for a few tiny snags in characterisation. :D
My, Sandy, that was a wonderful beginning. I liked the description, it was almost poetic.
The breeze weaved its way into the room where four boys slumbered, three of which - the red-haired three - slept peacefully in their four-poster beds; the fourth however, was not.
I like the first part a lot, the breeze weaved its way into the room sounds really beautiful, but the part after that sounds somewhat shaky in my opinion. I think it's because of this part: three of which - the red-haired three. I'm not sure if it's the repetition of three in such a short distance or what, but I think it'd sound better as four boys slumbered, of which the red haired three slept. Also, you use slept first, but then use was not. I think that did not would be more appropriate, because was not seems to warrant a was sleeping before it, and not a slept.
“I am loyal, My Lord. I will serve you well,” said the man before him, looking at the ground, feeling unworthy to look Harry in the face.
I have two qualms about this part. First of all, the more technical problem, my does not need to be capitalised. Secondly, this is apparently from Harry/Voldemort's point of view. Harry's seeing what Voldemort's seeing, and we're seeing that. How does Harry know then what the man is feeling? (feeling unworthy to look Harry in the face)
I felt that Voldemort's speech was a little too forced, it didn't seem completely like Lord Voldemort's way of talking in places, in my opinion. Parts like this just strike me as a bit un-Voldemortish:
The plan will succeed, for my daughter is the main component to the plan and, after all, I went to a lot of extremes to give her the best strength, agility, and overall power. She is a weapon for our side
Voldemort's daughter, however, seems like a really, really very interesting character. For a character to not have love or not know humanity... It's a very interesting concept, and you surely take a different route from all those Voldemort's daughter fics out there, where she's unchangeable good and is completely against Voldemort. I really must applaud you for that. :D She's a very interesting character, I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.
Dumbledore too, for the most part, was done very well. The way he talked and his character was portrayed well, in my opinion, though in one or two places I found him saying things that I wouldn't imagine him saying. But on the whole, I found his and Voldemort's daughter's characterisation really very good.
The concept of how she was... born, for the lack of a better word, was very interesting. I'm very curious to know who her mother was... And why she has humanity in her. The title too, is really very intriguing, and pulled me to the fic.
Really interesting work, Sandy!
Oh wow, I simply loved it. Good, non-OOC humours is something of a rarity, and I loved this. You portrayed their puberty really well, and it was hilarious, and just. Wow. It's going in my favourites.
"James Sirius Potter, it is the judgment of the Wizengamot that you have been found guilty. You knowingly, in possession of sound mind and body, used the Cruciatus Curse and the Killing Curse in the intentional torture and murder of one Gregory Goyle the Third."
James Potter was going to Azkaban for the rest of his natural life, and his whole family was in shambles. His wife and child have fled the country, his sister was missing, and his parents were a wreck. However, James knew that he had larger problems: his guilt was coming more and more in question.
Though he knew that James was withholding information about the circumstances of the murder of which he had been found guilty, Harry had secrets of his own; however, even he could not handle this torrent of trouble alone. Can Harry trust his darkest confidences to anyone? Even family?Â
How will the Potter clan stop the downward spiral into pain and disaster, and can they recover what they've lost?
This fic was nominated for a 2010 Quicksilver Quill Award - Best Next-Generation Story.
Ooh, very intriguing. You've set up the fic brilliantly, and I can't wait to see how the story proceeds.
From what I can see, James is going to be stuck in Azkaban for the rest of his life. But sitting there, it's practically impossible to do anything... I'm left wondering how things are going to work out. Will James break out of Azkaban? Or will whatever developements that are going to occur, occur when he's at Azkaban? Curious.
The chapter's very well written, the descriptions and everything are wonderful, and your choice of words makes the scenes so much more hardhitting.
Three nitpicks-- two small, one slightly larger. The first is that when this story takes place, Rita Skeeter is bound to be around 86, well past her prime. So when the Weasleys, being around 90, aren't able to handle the stress of a hearing (albeit a more personal stress), I somewhat doubt that our dear Ms Skeeter would be continuing her job... And even if she were, I wonder if she will be doing it with the same acrid pleasure.
The other small nitpick was that in the various trials that we have seen, there never has been a lawyer per se, and they've definitely never mentioned being a lawyer or an advocate as a profession-- Bellatrix, Rabastan and co didn't have a lawyer, neither did Harry or anyone else, really. I haven't read many PH fics, so I don't really know what kind of changes are common in the wizarding world in fanfiction, but I suppose this could be one-- introduction of lawyers to fight the case for people. I guess this is mainy to tell myself that I should probably consider any thing that I notice different from the canon wizarding world as the world developing in the span of around half a century. Sigh, that got rambly and probably didn't make much sense. Ah, well.
Moving on the to the larger nitpick-- as I told you over AIM, the dialogue seems quite stilted and overly formal in places. I agree that James is bound to speak with some degree of formality when speaking to the jury and the wizarding world at large after his hearing, but when he's really steamed up about Goyle making evil comments, or when he's talking to his friend (i.e, Hugo), he isn't going to be quite that formal. I'm sure that this will get better as I go along, but I just wanted to bring it to your attention, since dialogue is important... and if it doesn't flow well, it jars the reader, or ruins the flow.
Other than that, though, I have no complaints. For an unbeta'd first piece, it's brilliant so far. This review has gone for far more than I was looking for, I need to read the next chapter =D
Well, we discussed all of this over AIM, but I'll document it here in case someone is reading this review and thinks I ignored it (which I never do).
About Rita... I meant to change that to her daughter Raita, which is a play on Rita's name (Rita/Raita; Reader/Writer... get it? Yeah, I'm that awful, lol). Having a second-generation hack journalist is only fitting, since every generation has one.
About the legal representation, I have that as a system instituted by Kingsley at Harry's urging. He knows what it's like to stand in front of the Wizengamot alone, scared, and not knowing what to do. It's only fair to provide legal counsel to everyone to make sure that their rights are protected.
And the dialogue... I personally do talk that way, but I know that it is in need of polish. I intend to overhaul the first few chapters to fix this, but all in all, it definitely does improve.
I'm glad you like the story, since it is my baby. I told you a bit about its origins and what I wanted out of it, but it was a very long haul with lots of twists and turns. I hope you enjoy the ride as you read. :D
Nice, I liked the introduction of Fletcher. He is bound to hate the Potters, isn't he?
I had completely forgotten that the Dementors were expelled from Azkaban. Here I was expecting them, and suddenly-- they weren't there! xD
I do wonder, however, if Harry would really let James have that much of a preferential treatment. I'm sure the other convicts get much worse hoardings... Harry's always been very fair, and James refusing to talk about what he'd done... It doesn't paint a convincing picture, and I don't really think that Harry and Kingsley would bend rules to get James such a good place to stay.
Ah well, we can always assume that Harry really loved James, or that he did it for Ginny =D
Can't wait to find out what happens now...
Haha, this is hard to explain without being a spoiler. There is a good reason why Harry doesn't want James in a hideous cell. First off, how many of those prisoners were put in there by Harry and wouldn't mind getting a vicarious piece of him through James? He would need to be kept away from all of that.
There is also a later plot point around it, but I'm not going to tell you, because you're still not there yet. :D
Hmm, Molly, this started off very, very well, but then... But then it didn't get as interesting or funny as your other Monty Python inspired story.
The reason, I believe, is because here, it seemed like you took the transcribed version of the Dead Parrot Sketch, exchanged Cleese with Arthur, and added Tonks. They seemed like they were just mouthing dialogues we already know, and we know how the story is going to end, so it wasn't as humourous, or surprising as it could be.
I think if you had just taken the inspiration from the sketch, changed it to a different faulty item, and taken it from there with the same scene but with different dialogues and stuff, it would have been so much better, in my humble opinion.
But I would be lying if I were to say that I did not like the fic. I definitely did, I enjoyed it a lot. It was definitely humourous, the setting was interesting... But I feel that if all the dialogue and everything weren't directly from the sketch, it would have been a lot better.
All the same, merry Christmas! Here's to a year full of more humourous fics from you =D
I loved this, Apurva! The whole thing... I never guessed until the ending that Draco was making it up as he went along xD
The suspense was maintained all the way, and I loved how the story was structured, and the characters were all VERY well characterised. I could really see Harry warming up to Draco, and Draco finally doing that xD
I caught on that it was inspired by The Usual Suspects as soon as the travel vouchers were mentioned, tough :-p That isn't to say that I wasn't surprised by the ending, because it definitely shocked me.
I was, however left wondering WHAT Draco really wanted the Nundu for...Oh, and another small point to critique:
“It was all a lie, Harry – he just wanted to buy time until he was healed! Who knows what he really wants with the Nundu? He took prompts from all around the room and from things he’s read, and wove them all into a really believable story, and convinced you not to tell anybody anything in the meantime. You see that now, don’t you?”
This... felt somewhat forced. Like you were trying to explain the twist to the readers, so that those dumb uns reading could understand as well. I think it would have been a lot better if we were allowed to make our own assumptions and look at it in out own way. The fact that Ginny comes up and says AND THAT WAS THE PLOT TWIST, DID YOU HEAR THAT? PLOT TWIST! somewhat takes away from the awesomeness, IMHO.
But all the same, I really, really loved the fic and the six thousand words flowed in no time at all. Looking forward to reading more by you!
Yes, this is going to be a short review. This fic was amusing and touching at the same time. The emotions seemed so genuine and it was definitely a very different Draco compared to the person we normally see in fanfic. I'm really glad I read this. :D
Author's Response: BBBBBBBBB! What brings you here? And why my little Draco story? Thank you for reviewing. This was a blast to write. ~Carole~
I took a peek out of curiosity at this fic and then ended up reading the entire thing instead of working on my own mystery >.< Damn you, Alex, for sabotaging my plans!
But self-important, condescending, completely joking remarks aside, I think you've set up your mystery really well. I like the setting-- rich, influential purebloods with huge egos and huge immorality who stand with lots to lose. Always interesting to read about them. I like your characters too; they’re the kind that make me want to know more about them and I personally believe that a large part of mysteries are the characters that they have—if you don’t have an interesting detective, an interesting victim and a host of interesting witnesses/suspects, the mystery tends to fall flat.
On that account, Winston is very believable—he likes Gloria, but is unsure about how to proceed, he has his own worries and troubles, he acts all *cool* with his mates and so on. But speaking of Gloria, I found something off about her here—not speaking in terms of how you’ve written her, but how she was behaving within the fic. It’s definitely arousing my curiosity, I want to know what’s going on with her.
Then there are Florence and the man (who is he? Very clever of you to forget to mention it, I’m sure that’s going to be important later :P). I can’t wait to see what part they’re going to play here. I’m also excited for Fabian, I can’t wait to see what kind of a personality you’ve cooked up for him.
Some crit: I found the beginning slightly put me off. I don’t know if it was the way you phrased the first sentence, or the commas in it (it flows better if you remove either one of them, I think—possibly the second one). I also really hope that the bawling baby follows the rule of Chekhov’s Gun, because it seems kind of unnecessary to me (but then I shouldn’t talk, every second sentence in my mystery is irrelevant to the plot :P).
On the whole, I think you have a great set-up, and I’m waiting to see how you take it further. :D
Zum Geburtstag viel Glueck, Kara! Ich hoffe dass du einen schoenen Tag hattest. :D
Crollllll! This was a brilliant beginning. I love how... informal, lacking in pretentious, boresome literariness and conversational (or whatever other similar adjective) your writing is, it draws me in directly and keeps me entertained. Several lines (like the Quibbler one and the irony one) amused me; adding humour subtly into my writing is somethingI find quite difficult. You're awe... awe... aweinspiring. (I wouldn't dare to say it, don't worry :P)
The fic's really got me intrigued. The more I think about it, the more it intrigues me. Why would Pansy Parkinson want to do such a thing? What do the cigarette (and Daphne Greengrass) have to do with it? Is Oliver gay? (Okay, the last one wasn't something directly related to the fic, but it's still intriguing :P) Lots of questions, I guess I'll have to wait for the answers.
I think what I would have liked is to know a little more about who the rest of the people on the scene are. You mention them by name, but I think a little tag clarifying who they are would be great. But then again, I guess we'll be finding all about them in the coming chapters, so that would be unnecessary. It's just that I want to know who the rest of the suspects are to start thinking whodunnit. :P
Lovely fic, Miss Chick. Can't wait for more. :D
I have a very, very big problem with this fic, Carole. I can't believe you missed it.
If James and Lily are going to meet in secret, they do it on the Astronomy tower. Nowhere else. Ever. Understand?
Other than that huge huge plothole, though, I have to admit that this fic is great. It's amusing, it's intriguing, it's entertaining. I'm not entirely sure if by "he felt something break in his hands" you mean some part of the other's person's body but I guesswe'll wait and see if the American exchange studentcomes out wearing a cast. ^.^
I also really like the exchanges between the Marauders Marauders and Mary, and Avery and Regulus and all the conversations, actually, because you have such a knack of making them funny, yet genuine.
Can't wait for the next chapter :D
When a lavish engagement party ends in tragedy, Teddy Lupin takes on the case, despite its personal ties. What begins as a search for the killer soon turns into something much more, and Teddy is startled to witness the personas of the people he thought he knew melt away in light of the crime.
It doesnâ€™t take long for him to realise that nothing is what it seems to be.
Nominated for a 2011 QSQ - Best General Fiction and Best Same Sex Pairing Story
Nominated for a 2012 QSQ - Best Same Sex Pairing Story.
This is lucca4 of Gryffindor writing for the 2011 Mysterious May Challenge in the Great Hall, Prompt 2.
I think this was one of the best-crafted, hands down best written fics in this challenge. You have such a way with words and the emotions your characters have are just so... guh, real and intense. The relationships between the various characters were written so incredibly well, and I really, really enjoyed reading this. Brilliant work.
Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much for this amazing review! It means so much coming from you. I'm so glad that you liked the story and the characters. I had a lot of fun writing this story, morbid as it sounds, so I'm very happy that it was just as fun to read :). Thanks so much again! xx Ariana
Who could possibly have got past both Elaine and the locking spells on the studio undetected?
This story was written for Prompt 1 in the Mysterious May challenge, and it won first place in that category! It was also nominated for two QSQs in 2012 (Best General story and Best OC).
This was great, Minna. I loved the characters, I loved the story itself. It seemed kind of simple, but it took me to those mystery books I read as a kid-- Enid Blyton, and the like. Great fic :D
Author's Response: Aw, thanks BB. =D I think, much as I enjoy complex mysteries, I'm not very good at trying to write them, so yeah, this is definitely a simple mystery. Glad you liked it anyway, though. =)