This is one of your less funnier chapters, at least the second part, but it advances the story, and is well written, so that's what counts!
*moves on to next chappie*
Author's Response: Yeah, this chapter was a struggle for me because I had to find some way to get across what James and Lily\'s relationship is like, and I couldn\'t make James\'s jokes too funny because otherwise, the readers wouldn\'t be able to sympathise with Lily\'s annoyance. So I basically had him act like this idiot teenaged husband named Van from a TV show I like to watch called \"Reba,\" except Van is actually really funny. (Plus, the whole thing about cats is very important... yep...)
[Peter Pettigrew, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and the logic of fives. Dark, some disturbing imagery. One shot.]
Very, very creepy- I'm going to regret reading this right before sleeping!
Very, very good writing, and definitely very chilling.
Wow, that's really, really well written! It captures the angsty mood perfectly!
Only two nitpicks:
[I]And he is gone, and the street is exploded.[/I]
Street is exploded sounds a little strange to me here. Perhaps, "he is gone, and the street exploded" or "he is gone, and teh street has exploded"
The second one:
[I]My heart is screaming–people screaming[/I]
What exactly do you mean here? Do you mean Sirius' heart is screaming, and people are screaming, or his heart's screaming seems to be people screaming or something else? I think the "people are screaming" would be a better choice here.
Still, a very well written story, and I love it.
Author's Response: I\'ll go with \"has\" in your first suggestion, but the double ands were merely to help along a stream-of-consciousness mode. Your second suggestion--yeah, it could use another verb. I\'ll go put those in. Sirius is a little off his rocker at that point, and I tried to get into the character when I was writing it...so I suppose I meant all of those things. I\'m impressed you saw so many possibilities in the juxtaposition of those two phrases. Thank you for the review--your comments were helpful, and it was really lovely to get a surprise review during midterm week--definitely made my day!
Wow, that was really superb... as usual.
I loved all the little references, and I also liked how you incorporated humour and more serious things into the same story. I really loved the idea of George's ear being a communication system.
Do I give you a 9999999999999/10 for this story?
In your underwear drawer!
Author's Response: Thank you, thank you, thank you! All of your lovely reviews are really making my day. Of all of the stories I\'ve written for fanfiction, this one, \"Love A Duck!\" and the Theodore Nott ones are closest to the writing style I use when writing non-fanfic stories (the bulk of my writing), so I\'m glad you liked it.
If I spawn a worldwide trend of saying \"In your underwear drawer,\" I would laaaaaugh... just don\'t say it around your fiancee! ^_^
I liked the story, especially the ending of the wizard bedtime story- nice twist! I also like how you incorporated Mrs Figg… It was also nice in how simple terms the bedtime story was written- because it adjusts to the intelligence of the reader!
Just a small thing in the letter:
It will sadden my parents
Since she is writing to her sister, shouldn’t it be “our parents” or “mother and father” or something?
Ooh, vaary nice! [/badfrenchaccent]
You know what, I enjoyed this chapter a lot! However, I do think that everyone came a bit too easily to a mission that could be potentially hazardous...
Giorgi is a wonderful character, very nice! Marina hardly speaks at all... However, this chapter was worth the wait, will keep watching for the next chapter!
Author's Response: Haha, the very first sentence of your review reminds me of Monty Python where the French dudes say they already have a grail and go, \"Oh yes, it\'s-a vaaary nice-a!\" I agree that everyone came too easily-- I just didn\'t want to dwell on trying to recruit people for ages and ages because this chapter was dull enough as is. I\'m glad you like Giorgi! I thinmk she\'s a lot of fun. And yeah, Marina didn\'t do much, mainly because I don\'t like her much! ^_^
I. Can't. Believe. I. Haven't. Read. This. Yet.
I didn't get the email, not my fault! Either way, I enjoyed this! Better late than never!
So... The twist in the end was really, really awesome, unexpected! Why would Apple do that? (I mean, other than the reason that he's the villian, the bad guy, yada yada Yoda...)
Author's Response: Wow, you didn\'t get the email? Well, surprise! Just about two days before I submit the THIRD book... you\'re lucky you didn\'t have to wait a month and then some like everyone else. As for Apple... you will find out!
Why don't you like this chapter? It's awesome!
Funnier that last chapter, and better!
It is rather impertinent to even suggest something to the Queen of Humour, bu I'll do it anyway... You know what would have been awesome? "I can shmell dem Pop Tarts burnin'"!
*goes off to read next chapter*
Author's Response: Thank you very much! I just didn\'t like the way the chase between Apple and the kids was resolved... they\'d do something-- then stop for a character-building moment-- then do something-- then stop for a character-building moment... etc. etc. It seemed really choppy. As for the Pop Tarts thing... THAT IS HILARIOUS! (And since when am I the Queen of Humour? I\'ve heard several people call me that, but I don\'t know where that came from, especially since Hermiones Revenge is the indisputable Queen of Humour.)
It's over? *is sad*
Well, so this being the closing chapter, and having to bring everything together and to an end, wasnt' that funny, but enjoyable all the same.
I. Want. More.
I seriously love all your OC's, and there's no way I can choose a best or worst one...
Congratulations on this awesome story.
PS: Oh, and when is the last date for your competition? I might enter...
Author's Response: Thanks so much for reading and all of your lovely reviews! The contest will end the day after the SECOND chapter of the third Potter\'s Pentagon book is accepted, so you have plenty of time!
Teddy Lupin's first year at Hogwarts. Canon-compliant. Nominated for a 2008 QSQ for best Post-Hogwarts story.
The war is over, and all is well, they say, but the wounds remain unhealed. Bitterness divides the Houses of Hogwarts. Can the first children born since the war's end begin a new era, or will the enmities of their parents be their permanent legacy?
Inverarity, I know your brilliantness from your posts on the Beta Boards, and I wanted to see how this story was (Haley's banner caught my eye)
So I came here, and clicked on a random chapter, and saw that it was right after the sorting- and I wanted to see your sorting song, for many authors are unable to do the song right.
Therefore I searched for the song, and I read it, and it was simply amazing, though there were a few words that seemed... a little too complicated for the hat. But this story has definitely aroused my interest, and I would have read it now, if it were not for the fact that I have to study right now.
So be waiting for more reviews from me, as I read your story!
Wow! Hilarious! I really, really enjoyed this story- I was laughing the entire time...
I'd quote my favourite parts, but then I'll have to quote the entire chapter... so I won't!
AWESOME story! Keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Dude, all of you guys are makin\' my day/night/week/month/year, etc. Thank yous!
What a wonderful end for Voldykins- a road accident! I love the way you write grandiosely, preparing teh reader for something great, heroic... and then, a cement mixer. Hilarious!
*starts to read chapter 2*
Wow. Thank you very much for reviewing! Nobody’s ever called my writing “grandiose” before, so thank you! I am flattered.\r\n\r\n
Tim the Enchanter\r\n\r\n
P.S. I’m sorry about the ugly “rn” tags. They make me mad!\r\n
My greetings to you, Tim the Enchanter.
I too, discovered you off Schmergo's review page, and I am truly amazed by your sense of humour. Although I rather doubt the wizards exposing magic to a muggle, I enjoyed reading all of the letters to Ben.
You have a wonderfull original character there, I am in a hurry to read the third chapter.
My goodness my Guinness! I am such a fan of your humour that I have taken to reading all of your author responses- I know, I am freaky.
Salutations, Sainyn Swiftfoot Reader-Person Sir!
Thank you for going through the trouble of reviewing each chapter. It seems that Schmergo’s review page is a good place to put in subtle advertisements for stories, isn’t it? A pure Slytherin technique if you ask me!\r\n\r\n
I do appreciate the fact that you enjoy my sense of humour! Please note, however, that it is only safe in small doses! Spiffing! Anyway… I made the Benjamin Dover’s fan-mail blatantly magical because I figured that all the witches and wizards would be too busy celebrating Voldemort’s defeat to care about magical secrecy. Also, ignorance is a large factor – for instance, Ron didn’t know that Muggle pictures were motionless until Harry told him in Phil’s Stone, so I find it likely that other magical persons would also be unaware of that fact, among others.\r\n\r\n
I’m glad you like my OC, Ben – I had great fun writing him. The vast majority of all characters in my stories are my own original characters; I like making up my own characters, plus I don’t have to worry about OOC-ness!\r\n\r\n
Once again, thank you for reviewing. I hope all of my author’s responses are thoroughly entertaining!\r\n\r\n
Tim the Enchanter\r\n
I am stunned. Absolutely STUNNED.
How can you come up with this stuff? I loved all the little details, the imagery, the craziness...
In short, I loved this story. It might just be me, but I loved the irony of the last line- how Roy paid so much to get that card, and for winning the bet? A galleon.
You are TALENTED at creating characters. I was laughing all through Roy's paranoia about the people behind him...
If you ever add another chapter to this story, expect a review from me.
Well, I have no real idea of how I come up with my stories. Rarely do I sit down and think of story ideas; they usually just come to me spontaneously for some reason and then I have to write them down before I forget them. Also, my original idea usually changes when I start actually writing it. Chapter Three of this story was planned as a roughly three thousand word chapter with an additional epilogue of about six hundred words. However, that changed to a chapter of over six thousand words and the epilogue became Chapter Four!\r\n\r\n
And speaking of Chapter Four… expect to see it in at least a month or more, unfortunately. I am currently writing four humour stories, but I can only submit one story in each category at a time; plus there’s the long queue waiting period… [checks calendar]\r\n\r\n
I am glad that you like my writing style, as well as the story itself. I make a point to include lively diction and minute details to give my stories the necessary feel, so that they augment the actual events happening in the story. With characters, I spend little or no time describing them, instead letting their thoughts and dialogue show what kind of people they are. Additionally, I let the leader fill in the character gaps – all of my characters remind me of myself in some ways, and I find that a bit scary sometimes!\r\n\r\n
Of course, I wrote the entire chapter just to lead up to that ironic ending. I’m pleased that you liked it! Also, thank you for reviewing this entire story!
Tim the Enchanter
There's something about the first line in this story that just... I don't know. Lily opened her eyes. The possibilities for a fic starting with this sentence are endless, and they make you curious. An amazing first line.
However, I found that the following sentences seemed a bit too short and choppy. It threw me off a bit... You could maybe merge the third and fourth sentences of the fic, to make a longer, more flowing sentence.
The Muggle superstitions is a nice touch-- Lily is, after all, Mugglebor (hells, she even thought that she was a Muggle for the first eleven years of her life), and that could not have not affected her.
I have to admit that I was somewhat lost with the thing about restaging the photo first-- I wasn't sure what exactly it meant. I got it after that, so no matter.
The symbolism of the photo-- the last tie between Lily and Severus was very interesting, and I liked how Lily burnt the photo in the end, symbolising the finality of her decision, that she was now with James and Severus was a thing of the past. The swings are something we know exist, and that Severus and Lily used to swing on them, so taking that piece of canon and making it a pivotal part of your fic was a wonderful idea.
One part of the fic that I found a bit off, in my opinion, was calling the grown-up Severus 'boy'. (She had learnt a long time ago that this boy was a master at hiding himself, but somehow, to her, he could never hide his eyes. ) I'm not entirely sure why, maybe it's the fact that he was a grown man... But I felt that it sounded weird.
The emotions in this piece-- Lily's uncertainty, her anger towards Severus, Severus' feelings... All together, it created an intense mix that was amazing. You really are a very talented writer.
Speaking of talent, your characterisation was amazing. How Lily was uncertain in the starting, and then upon seeing Severus' Dark Mark, being disgusted and sending him away... It was very well done. Severus was written very well too, I could see the Severus that we know and (this part is up for debate) love doing this.
Frankly speaking, I didn't realise that you never mentioned Severus' name in the entire fic, until the last two words... However, looking back, it was a wonderful touch, and the effect it gave was nice.
All in all, this was a very well written, well-characterised, powerful little one-shot that was really, really well written. Amazing work.
Author's Response: I don't respond to a lot of reviews these days so I hope the others will forgive me that I haven't responded to theirs but I wanted to clarify some of the things that were troubling you.
Firstly: "She had learnt a long time ago that this boy was a master at hiding himself, but somehow, to her, he could never hide his eyes." To me, at this moment in time, she isn't thinking about the Grown-Up Severus. She's conflicted about her feelings for the boy she fell in love with and the man she's about to marry. In writing this fiction, I had the idea of her wondering "what could have been" if she hadn't gone with James. If she'd stayed with the Severus she used to play with at the swings. At this point in her timeline, Lily has perhaps not seen Severus for quite a while. As you can see from the beginning of the story, Lily and James are living together, at least to a certain degree, which would make visits from James' enemy a little impractical. By showing up on the night before her wedding, Severus exaggerates her doubts as it proves he has a heart and loves her, the same heart as the boy who she fell in love with years before.
When Lily confronts him about the Dark Mark, it confirms that she doesn't know who the man is. The boy could never hide his eyes, there is still a touch of the boy about him until the tattoo is revealed and afterwards the eyes are cold.
I always like starting my fictions with an ambiguous line. There's something about subverting expectations about it. People want to know the who, what, where, when and why of a situation. By offering only one or two of these things - Lily being who and opened her eyes being what - the reader is transported to an exact moment of time within their own imagination. I'm not telling you the scene, you're creating it. Think like a movie, Lily opens her eyes - we see a very tight close-up of bright green eyes, rather like those that the directors of HP love to use whenever Harry wakes from a dream - the next moment, I tell you a bit more about the scene and we zoom out, then we zoom out some more. The choppyness of these lines exaggerate the silence and discomfort of the scene, Lily has just woken up and can't comprehend complicated scenery yet.
I like to think there's a touch of Lily about me, so I love writing her. I have no doubt that she's packed full of Muggle ideas. Look at Petunia, a girl doesn't grow up like that without some aspect of normality to idolise. Lily finds herself adapting to the wizarding world in a time where being Muggleborn is extremely dangerous, so her home life is a wonderful way of keeping in touch with everything she's fighting for.
I'm glad you understood the photo eventually. It's quite ambiguously written but I think the meaning becomes clear once the Severus and Lily argue.
Emotion is key to writing. We all want to create an emotional response from our reader, so what better way of doing that is there than showing the emotions of the characters? This is the real beauty of the first line. You enter the story at the same point that Lily does, you open your eyes with her, so there is an immediate connection between yourself and Lily that stays strong throughout the story. When Lily feels strong emotions, they are reflected within yourself and your subconcious to the point where you can feel yourself reacting but you don't know why.
Thank you for the great review, and I'm sorry that I've written an essay in response :D Now you know why I don't respond very often. I hope future readers of this story and this response will get a further insight into the plot and the reasoning behind my story. Thank you for reading! ~ Roxy
A very gripping story! I was forced to read the entire thing, it was so exciting! It was also very well written except for a few typos:
“and it was totally warn.”
I suppose you mean “worn”?
“Ron quickly put his satchel in front of is face”
I think it should be “his face”?
“having a feeling of dejvu.”
It’s déjà vu, right?
Overall, good story!
Author's Response: AWW! Thanks badger boy! I\'m glad you enjoyed it. I had a fun time writing it and Ron IS my favorite character after all. Keep an eye out for my two new stories coming up! ;)
I can't pick a favourite part because the whole thing was so damn good! I'm not that big a fan of deep fics, but I really, really liked this one!
The second person POV was wonderfully done, and so was the tense change. It all added to the powerfulness of this already powerful story. I am amazed by your writing!
Just small nitpick:
The sounds of your father and another unknown man waft
Shouldn't the "waft" be "wafted"?
If I don;t wrap up this review, it'd probably go on and on raving about your story, so I'll just pinpoint some of the really nice things that I liked. I loved the Sirius' and Regulus' adventure, Sirius' and his father's exchange, and Regulus' childish manner of speaking.
Just out of curiousness, this is probably a stupid and entirely obvious question, but what exactly was the box all about? I know what was in it, but why was it paid for, and all that? Was it some remnants of a Muggle murder or something?
All in all, a wonderful one-shot.
Author's Response: Oh, geez, I just relalized I hadn\'t responded to this. Sorry! It says in the book that Aunt Araminta was the one that wanted to make Muggle hunting legal. So, I kind of spun off that and made all the things in the box cursed Muggle objects... Thanks very much for the review!
Ooh nice lyrics. I haven't seen Wicked, so I couldn't really enjoy it fully, but still as poems they read nicely and funnily.
I'd love to see a spoof of Sweeney Todd- not because I like the movie or anything in fact I haven't even seen it, but I have heard teh songs and love them a lot, especially Little PRiest and By the Sea.
PS: Glad to see you are stopping by the Badger Bar now and then these days!
Author's Response: Sainyyyyn! Wow, it\'s a real compliment that someone would read this even if they weren\'t familiar with the original songs. I do love the Badger Bar. I never knew what it was until this week... I don\'t know why I never ventured into that area until now. You know, \"Little Priest\" is my favourite song from Sweeney-- that and \"Johanna.\" I\'m surprised you like \"By The Sea\" so much, because what makes that song terrific is the visual aspects of it... and it\'s not as funny without the images that go along with the song. But I love that one, too.
I caught that Zucchini-Zabini thing! However, I did not know who Widebuttocks was until you told us, and then I started to laugh!
In the list:
1) Introduce self
2) Give overview of class (see individual class page)
#) Give out quiz (to see how much they know)
4) Set homework (Essay/read 1st chapter in book)
You've written #) instead of 2)
Author's Response: Well, I\'m glad I\'ve made someone laugh recently. I\'ve gone to change that. *curses stupid typos*
Wonderful chapter! I loved it!
This story does get validated fast, doesn't it?
Author's Response: Thank you very much! It does go fast, doesn\'t it?