I am the same Inverarity you may have seen on the Beta Forums, and other sites as well. I am an older HP fan, and prefer not to give out too much other personal information.
Reviews are greatly appreciated; I don't usually respond to them individually, but I do read them all. I'll answer questions when possible.
You can find information about my stories and characters on the Harry Potter Fanon wiki. (There is also a separate Alexandra Quick wiki.) Be aware, however, that most of it was written by fans, not by me, so the information there is not coming directly from the author and might not always be correct.
Artwork and banner images for all my stories, including illustrations donated by fans.
Summary: What if Harry Potter had been a girl? This is the story of Alyssa Potter, the girl who lived. Join Alyssa as she encounters tragedy, romance, danger, and hidden family secrets. (It starts at the beginning of December of her fifth year at Hogwarts.) Please read and review!
Harry-as-a-girl AUs can be interesting, but I'd really like to see something original and different. So far, this is just the same story we're familiar with, except Harry is "Alyssa" (and Snape is "good looking, tall, and muscular"? Oy.) How does "Alyssa" change the dynamic of the Trio? Is it Hermione who is her best friend now? Does Ron have romantic feelings for her?
The scene with Draco seemed pointless, especially since he treats her exactly the same way he treated Harry. On the one hand, I'm glad that you didn't immediately have Draco crushing on Alyssa, just because she's a girl (or worse, her crushing on Draco), but on the other hand, it just reinforced the impression that the only difference between this and the original story is that Harry is a girl (with an improbable name) and Snape has been made good looking.
Starting right in the middle of OotP makes it hard for us to see how your character diverges from the canonical Boy-Who-Lived, so I would recommend that future chapters perhaps cover a bit more of her past, and how she might view the world differently than Harry did.
It's official. Malfoy has murdered sleep.
*A Ron pov outtake to Our Little Secret.*
Fluffy and cute, the characterization is spot-on.
Author's Response: I wanted to show how their personalities complement each other and make things better...in and out of bed, heh, so thank you!
Summary: My daddy’s been acting strange. He won’t tell me why he’s so worried about Harry Potter. He won’t tell me who my mum is. He won’t tell me anything anymore.
Told from the POV of Felicity, Draco Malfoy’s daughter. Disregards the Epilogue. Contains slash, though nothing graphic.
I'm intrigued. So far Draco and Narcissa seem quite in character. Felicity is a little too precious, especially for nine, and it's not really a Malfoy-esque name, but I'm still curious to see who her mother is and where you are going with this.
Felicity's insight and empathy for the peacocks is what grabbed me. A nice little bit of characterization right at the start that made me want to keep reading and find out more about this girl.
I think it takes away from Narcissa's coldness a bit to have her call Felicity "Fee" -- I'm not sure if that was deliberate or not.
Overall, well written. I spotted one error: "They don’t like being petting anywhere else" should be "petted."
Summary: [NextGen] Short one-shot vignette. Rose confronts Scorpius when she hears a devastating rumor about their friendship. Teenage drama ensues. Also, there's magic and chess involved.
A good rule of thumb is that if there is a point in the story that requires an out-of-story explanation from the author, then you either need to clarify it in the story, or leave it out.
I think this was fairly well written, but the cause of Rose's distress was a bit contrived. (As amusing as Scorpius's comment about all of them being "named after sodding flowers" was, it's not really likely that anyone is going to mistake Pansy for Rose just because they're both flowers.)
Also, you can't castle after your king has been put in check.
Summary: On her 14th birthday, Holly Scrivenshaft makes a wish on Rowena Ravenclaw’s magic candle to know her birth family, and through it, finds her brother, Harry Potter along with his large family and friends. A previously home-schooled Holly Potter then makes her way to Hogwarts where she finds all the adventures that await anyone with the surname of Potter.
Meanwhile, three people are trying to bring Bellatrix Lestrange back to life, and find help with a mysterious young lady who seems to have mixed alliances. When they succeed, Bellatrix begins her own conquest of the wizarding world with her elite versions of the Inferi, the Chaynd.
I like OC stories, and I like next-gen stories. I think you should consider all of the special attributes and abilities you are so casually bestowing upon your characters, however. "Harry's long lost sister" stories are very hard to pull off (in fact, I've never seen one written credibly). I think your characters are lively and you add a lot of imaginative details. However, your story would be much stronger if you find a beta who can help you get rid of Mary Sue qualities, which I'm afraid are rather abundant here.
Summary: Hermione Weasley (nee Granger) was always top of the class. Everything she needed to know she found out from books.
But no book can help her bond with her child. Will a chance encounter with a stranger will put her back on the right path?
Cute -- I can see Hermione starting to lose it when being a mother doesn't go according to the textbooks.
Ron really needs a good kick, and Harry, too. Their wives are being run ragged doing all the childcare while they sit there playing chess? Are they still twelve-year-old boys?
Astoria's introduction confused me a bit at first -- "a pretty girl with blonde, curly hair and delicate features" made me think she was much younger, until she was described as being pregnant. A pregnant, married woman isn't a girl.
Summary: Dandelion Dursley is heartbroken to leave her mother and beloved grandfather, Dudley, to start her first year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Little does she know that she will blossom in her training as a witch, discovering that she has a highly rare magical talent. She will also befriend The Forgotten Ones: Lily Luna Potter, Albus Severus Potter, and Hugo Weasley.
The beginning is kind of interesting, but a little too abrupt. Ella's mother took care of her for seven months, and then simply handed her over with no signs of regret or remorse, and never saw her again? Also, how did she afford a P.I.?
I also found Dudley transforming a little too quickly, and right now, we know virtually nothing about Ella or Dandelion.
Dandelion is the main character so of course you want to get to her quickly, but I think the first chapter, explaining her background, her environment, her family, should have been longer, to make the situation more real and to make us actually care about these characters. Right now, they're just names and sketchy summaries.
I did like the details about Ella's mother's appearance, and her snippy attitude, which gave me some sense of what she was like as a person. And Ella's reason for naming her daughter "Dandelion" was also very clever, and actually made me like the name.
Summary: Sitting in his History of Magic lesson in mid-June, Sixth-year Teddy Lupin has a sudden feeling of unease. Unable to explain it, he pushes the feeling aside, but can't seem to shake the idea that something has gone seriously wrong. Only later that evening does he finally find out what, and then his world changes forever.
This was written for SPEW 007 with the prompt, 'ache' This is quite an angsty one-shot - you have been warned!
Teddy's characterization was good. He seems an ordinary young man, perhaps a little like Harry would have been with a less hazardous and unhappy childhood, which is essentially how Rowling described Teddy. Victoire also avoided most of the cliches I usually read, though we don't really see much of her.
I thought it was a nice story overall, though I'm not sure I buy Andromeda Tonks being strong enough to survive the death of most of her family in the war, but only "clinging to life" until Teddy turns seventeen. I think there should have been something stronger or more compelling to precipitate her demise; she's just not old enough to give up and die because she thinks Teddy doesn't need her anymore.
The writing was good, though there was some repetitive word usage and a bit of superfluous description. Also, there seems to be some pronoun confusion here: " Wondering if he was about to find out the crime he had committed to make him feel so awful, she stopped."
I may check out A Proper Goodbye. I think this woud be interesting as part of a larger Teddy Lupin story.
Summary: He wanders aimlessly down the boulevard, allowing himself to be jostled by the rush-hour crowd. It is Christmas Eve, 1994: his first Christmas Eve away from England. He finds it utterly confusing.
A Sirius-centric one-shot. Written in Christmas 2008 for a dear friend. Hope you like it. =)
(It's been a while, I know, but I figured that if I added a couple of fics to MNFF, I'd be able to get my writing mojo back. We'll see. Fingers crossed. Lyrics are taken from Vienna Teng's "The Atheist Christmas Carol.")
That was well written, though I usually don't like songfics. But I was impressed that someone else is familiar with Vienna Teng.
The banter between Remus and Sirius at the end was my favorite part.
"James Sirius Potter, it is the judgment of the Wizengamot that you have been found guilty. You knowingly, in possession of sound mind and body, used the Cruciatus Curse and the Killing Curse in the intentional torture and murder of one Gregory Goyle the Third."
James Potter was going to Azkaban for the rest of his natural life, and his whole family was in shambles. His wife and child have fled the country, his sister was missing, and his parents were a wreck. However, James knew that he had larger problems: his guilt was coming more and more in question.
Though he knew that James was withholding information about the circumstances of the murder of which he had been found guilty, Harry had secrets of his own; however, even he could not handle this torrent of trouble alone. Can Harry trust his darkest confidences to anyone? Even family?
How will the Potter clan stop the downward spiral into pain and disaster, and can they recover what they've lost?
This fic was nominated for a 2010 Quicksilver Quill Award - Best Next-Generation Story.
This is an interesting story premise. I have to offer some critique, though.
1. As another reviewer pointed out, your writing style is very verbose, and the dialog is stilted. Nothing that comes out of the characters' mouths sounds like the way real people talk -- it reads more like they are delivering lines in a theatrical production. (And no, I do not believe that you actually talk that way. Having a large vocabulary isn't the same thing.)
2. For the most part, your writing is pretty good, but I caught a number of grammatical errors, particularly with verb tense.
3. Along with the wordiness, way too much overuse of adjectives and adverbs and similes. A little bit makes writing sparkle; a lot makes it sound like someone trying to show off their vocabulary.
4. There is a lot of unnecessary information that gets inserted in places that interrupt the flow of the story. You've put James in Azkaban, which is a very tense and dramatic situation, and the readers want to know what's going to happen next. So you go off on a tangent about Hugo's girlfriend's platinum-blond hair, followed by reminiscing about how James met Augusta. Now we've totally become disconnected from the tension you built up by putting James in prison. Frankly, finding out that he met Augusta in a fairly typical Hollywood-style jerk-meets-girl, girl-decks-jerk, jerk-eventually-wins-girl-with-his-roguish-charm manner could be condensed to a paragraph or two.
(Stephen King does this a lot --in the middle of a story, he'll suddenly spend 50 pages on a flashback one of the characters has to a childhood memory. That's one reason why most people say that Stephen King needs a stronger editor. It's a bad habit to get into, especially if you're not Stephen King.)
Don't take my criticisms as saying "Your story sucks." I actually find it pretty interesting and will probably keep writing. But I do think you could use some stylistic, narrative, and SPaG help from a beta.
Summary: On a night soon after Voldemort's destruction, Charlie tells Ginny the legend of Luceafărul. But is it her story as well?
I liked this. I don't really care to read Harry/Ginny stories, usually, but you made them believable and gave them a depth that was lacking in the books. Charlie's Romanian fairy tale was a nice touch.
Scorpius Malfoy has avoided Althea Burbage – and everyone else at Hogwarts – for five long years. Who, he thinks, would want to be friends with the son of a Death Eater? Certainly not a girl whose aunt was murdered before the eyes of his father and grandfather.
Unfortunately, Thea doesn't seem to agree.
That's pretty scary, that the best Muggle literature Hogwarts can offer is Ayn Rand! Scorpius does seem like just the sort of angsty little git who'd think Rand was awesome. Sure hope he grows out of it -- Terry Goodkind's Objectivist wizards are bad enough!
Oddly, I hadn't gotten any notices of subsequent chapters for this story -- something must be wrong with MNFF's story alerts again.
Scorpius and a Burbage -- an interesting combination.So far Althea is a more interesting character than Scorpius, who's the usual "Malfoy heir hiding from his legacy" with an added dose of surreptitious Mugglephilia.You hint at a few other secrets, though.
I think you've been reading 19th century romances, as I see the influence here. I hope the story will involve more than just a pair of star-crossed lovers set in the wizarding world -- it's not Challah and Pumpkin Juice yet -- but the characterization and the premise is interesting enough, and your writing, as usual, is very good. (A few typos and grammatical errors, but it's otherwise pretty polished.)