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''OBLIVIATE!'' by Tim the Enchanter

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: "That was no hurricane," said Fudge miserably.

"Excuse me!" barked the Prime Minister, now positively stamping up and down. "Trees uprooted, roofs ripped off, lampposts bent, horrible injuries-"

"It was the Death Eaters," said Fudge. "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's followers. And... and we suspect giant involvement."

- Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Chapter One: The Other Minister

Sergeant Archer Price lives a rather humdrum existence at his Army base in Somerset, in the West Country. However, all of that changes when he and his unit are summoned to respond to a very strange and violent… hurricane?

But freak hurricanes are only the beginning of Archer’s problems, for soon his life gets very complicated…

Reviewer: Fullmetal Jack Signed
Date: 12/28/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter I: ''Obliviate!''

Dude, wow.......Freakin Awesome!!! Great idea, getting the Muggles and the Death Eaters to duke it out, good job. You should totally consider making another one...seriously!!

Author's Response: Greetings, male member of the Homo sapiens species bearing the name Fullmetal Jack,

I\'m glad that you liked my story and took the time to post a review. I\'m sorry to disappoint you, but I will most likely not be writing a sequel to this story. Archer prefers the less freak-hurricane prone Australia to England, you see.

However, do not fear! The Muggle vs. Wizard shootout genre is not entirely dead, because I just had a brilliant idea for another story! Imagine a bunch of Imperiused Muggle soldiers storming Diagon Alley with tanks, helicopters, flamethrowers, and your favourite Death Eaters in support! Oh boy! Carnage! Chaos! What good fun!

Unfortunately, this brilliant idea is probably going to remain just an idea...albeit a twisted, interesting one!

-Tim the Enchanter

Out of the Darkness by Tim the Enchanter

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: The war against Voldemort is not going well. The Ministry of Magic has fallen and the Order of the Phoenix is scattered. Harry Potter and his friends are ruthlessly hunted by Voldemort and his Death Eaters. There is no end in sight for our heroes…



Nominated for QSQ 2008 Best Humour Story!
Reviewer: Fullmetal Jack Signed
Date: 01/30/08 Title: Chapter 1: Out of the Darkness...

Wow……that was random. Nevertheless, it was very entertaining, albeit……a tad bit gritty. But man, I was not expecting the ending to that one. The first couple of pages had me thrown quite a bit off. But wow, that was pretty good. I applaud how well written it all was. I really had no idea what was going to happen. It just kind of, dare I say it…….came out of the darkness.

However, I can’t believe you killed our lovely Hermione! I mean seriously, why you couldn’t have killed some less favored character, like Ron?! I’m sure there could have been some other options……like Ron. But I suppose I wouldn’t have been as funny now would it.

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed that, and I’m looking forward to seeing your next story.

Author's Response: Oh, how lovely! A third review! Thought my story had faded into obscurity by now…

I digress. Thank you very much for reading this rather crazy fic and leaving a review for it. I really had quite a bit of fun writing the suspenseful dark parts, and especially the colourful (and very gritty) descriptions of Lord Voldemort getting run over by the cement mixer.

Believe it or not, I love Hermione just as much as you do… or maybe I don’t. Please, please understand that I have nothing against her, and the only reason (which is rather quite feeble) why I killed her off is that I simply wanted to create the right mood of utter terror and severity, so that the very random ending delivers in full force.

By the way, what do you have against Ron? You seem very passionate about your desire to kill him rather than Hermione, and I am quite curious as to why. To answer your question about the choice of death-victims, the reason why I killed Hermione and not Ron is perfectly simple: RON WASN’T THERE! This story is completely canon-compliant up to the part when Harry and Hermione jump out of the window, so the reason why Ron is nowhere to be found is perfectly clear if you’ve read the last book. If you haven’t, I suggest you do. It’s a rather gripping read.

Anyway, thanks again for leaving a review. Hope you like the next chapter!

Tim the Enchanter

Reviewer: Fullmetal Jack Signed
Date: 08/01/08 Title: Chapter 3: The Great Chocolate War of ‘98

BRAVO!!! BRAVO!!! This was EPIC!!!!! I really enjoyed this story (by “really enjoyed”, I mean it was FREAKIN AMAZING). How much did I enjoy it? Well, let’s just say that a few more sentences probably would have killed me. Yes….it was that funny. It was like an orgasm for the brain. It was vigorously entertaining and ragingly hilarious!!!!! I’ve read a lot of books lately, but this by far has to be the funniest thing I have ever read in a very long time; if not ever.

The effort made by that poor guy was just too funny to read. It was just one absurdity after the other. It seriously made my eyes water. It was so good, as a matter of fact; I had e-mailed all my friends about it and told virtually all my book pals at school. You don’t even have to be a Harry Potter fan to enjoy this literary masterpiece. I must say, you have certainly outdone yourself this time.

Please, for the love of all that is glorious!!! Please tell me that there is in fact a sequel to this absolutely amazing series. If there is, I would just like to say that you are my new god and that I will worship you like the heavens and the stars (figuratively speaking of course….or am I?).

From your crazy fanboy, Jack.

Author's Response:

Hello there, Jack!

Well, sorry it took me so long to respond to this – how should I say it? – interesting review! I was a bit busy writing some other stories, but enough excuses! I am glad that you liked this story with such intensity. “Orgasm for the brain” – now that’s something I’ve never heard before! Also, thank you for liking this rather mad story of mine so much that you decided to tell all of your friends about it. I always appreciate more reads!

Anyway, you can tell that I had a lot of fun writing this story, but the funny thing is, I can’t seem to remember using my brain for this chapter. I just sat down at my computer and all 6000+ glorious words of Chapter Three were written in one sitting… and I was laughing the whole time!

To answer your question, Jack, all I have to say is that you better practise prostrating yourself at my feet, because there will be a sequel! I am in fact writing the sequel, Into the Light (notice how the title says the exact same thing as Out of the Darkness?), but the main reason why it is a separate story is because it is much more serious and has very little humour.

So, thank you once again for reviewing. Remember, it’s not me who’s the saviour – it’s Benjamin Dover.

Tim the Enchanter

Für Das Größere Wohl by Tim the Enchanter

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • Past Featured Story
Summary: Dieter Heydrich is a model German boy. He has perfect Aryan complexion, is an exemplary member of the Hitler Youth, and is fanatically loyal to his beloved Führer.

But on his eleventh birthday, Dieter discovers a hidden magical world led by an extraordinary wizard named Gellert Grindelwald…

Nominated for QSQ 2009, Best History/Mystery.
WINNER of QSQ 2009, Best Male Original Character.

Note: As you might have guessed, Für Das Größere Wohl is German, meaning: “For the Greater Good.” Yes, this story is from the perspective of the bad guys.
Reviewer: Fullmetal Jack Signed
Date: 08/29/08 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter I: Auf Wiedersehen, Herr Schwalbe

Leuchtend! Das war wundervoll! Dieses geht zweifellos auf meinem Interessieren liest Liste. Dieses stellt zweifellos weg von Ihrem Talent für die collaborations zwischen der Welt von Harry Potter und dem Reich der historischen Möglichkeiten verursachen und sie zusammenfügen dar. Ich schaue am definitivsten, vorwärts, wenn ich sehe, wie diese Reihe ausfallen wird

Brilliant! That was Wonderful! This will certainly go on my interesting reads list. This certainly shows off your talent for creating collaborations between the world of Harry Potter and the realm of historical possibilities and putting them together. I am most definitely looking forward in seeing how this series is going to turn out.

Author's Response:

Thank you for reviewing my story – I’m glad you liked it so far. I spent a lot of time making up details about Grindelwald’s empire (Das Zweite Zauberereich, as I call it), since very little is said about it in the Harry Potter books. I then decided to write a story in order to explore the simultaneous isolation and interconnectedness of Hitler’s and Grindelwald’s Germanys, but I’m actually kind of making up the story as I go.

Tim the Enchanter

The Absurd Fanfic Revolution by Tim the Enchanter

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
HEY! Hey you! Psssstttt! You have to help us!

It’s Tim the Enchanter, our fanfiction writer – HE’S GONE MAD! We’re just trying to live normal lives at Hogwarts, but CRAZY things keep happening to us because he’s bored!

Please! Read our story and hear our plight! We need to bludgeon some sanity into our author – Oh no! HE’S AT HIS COMPUTER NOW!

NO! NOOO-aaahhhh! Must resist! Resist… Gibber narg turnip turnip wibble antidisestablishmentarianism blubber gibber wop wop bbluubbaaarrrggghhh!

Nominated for QSQ 2009, Best Humour.

Reviewer: Fullmetal Jack Signed
Date: 12/12/08 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter I: HAGGIS ATTACK!

Dear God Man!


I must say, that is quite an “interesting” statement if I do say so myself (and by “interesting” I mean HAHAHAHA!!!!! OMG!!! THAT WAS FREAKIN HILARIOUS!!!!!!!). In general I thought the whole thing was just a wild ride into the pits of insanity and mayhem. It was a trip that I enjoyed….a lot.

I was going to bust an artery when I began reading about the Red Army bashing through the grounds of Hogwarts. I could just picture it! Thousands of Soviet soldiers, each and every one of them with an AK-74, descending down upon our beloved heroes…..like the wrath of an angry god! It was marvelous!

Oh, but I’m not finished there. The sheer abruptness of it all….things were all quiet at first, but then Kablaaaam!!!! Everything goes to hell in a hand basket! It was an all around a great read. T-72s and T-80s, leveling the Great Hall, while young wizards and witches get blasted to hell, now that’s what I call entertainment!

It is so off the wall, it is amazing. The thing is…that is what I love about your work; it’s the fact that it is absurd yet brilliant at the same time. Of course, I suppose that you can’t really call it the Absurd Fanfic Revolution without its own special brand of “off the wall”.

The real question from here is….what’s next? Super hot Ukrainian bikini models firing M-16s that shoot flaming burritos, while the French Foreign Legion launches a daring airborne assault?!!!!

Well, I do hope I get to see more stories like this. It’s good to know that the imaginations of the world are still live and kicking.

Your loyal fan,

Author's Response:

Well, hello Fullmetal Jack(et)! Thank you for writing this immensely entertaining review… and for liking the story too! And I am very glad that you survived this “wild ride into the pits of insanity and mayhem” – I certainly enjoyed writing it! However, I don’t know what effect doing so has done on my sanity!

But who cares – I don’t! There are Kalashnikovs, tanks, and phrases of “Get Hammered and Sickled!” aplenty; I had always wanted to write a story with these things, and fortunately I got the chance with this one! Who cares about plot – the Red Army attacking Hogwarts sounds like fun!

And if I ever need to enlist the help of mail-order Ukrainian gun bimbos and French Foreign Legionaries, I know who to call! To see what happens next… well, that’s what all the subsequent chapters are for, especially Chapter Six, which is up right now! Anyway, thanks again for the review – my imagination is indeed alive and kicking me repeatedly!

Tim the Enchanter

PS: EXCLAMATION POINTS! I’ve noticed that I've used an awful lot of them!