Summary: Hermione has lost everything – until she finds someone who understands, whose companionship transcends her faith in everything she has ever known. Songfic to ‘Hysteria’ by Muse.
Wow. Well. It's six a.m., I can't sleep, and I started browsing through the SBBC threads and found this linked through one of them. I always tell myself "I'll come back and read this later" when I see an intriguing summary and then I... don't. I'm so glad I made myself click the link.
Right off the bat, I cried. Only one other FF has made me cry, and this ranks number one out of the two on the crying scale. The first flashback... I'm not a big suicide in HP fan. I just can't see any of the characters killing themselves, but the way you explained it - the conversation and the hesitance, it... I just saw the world I've loved for so many years come crashing down.
“He was overwhelmed, I guess. His whole life had led up to the moment where he would kill Voldemort, and he knew it. He’s never seen himself as a hero, you know. When the war ended, and everyone kept looking up to him, and then when Ginny wouldn’t take him back after she’d moved on… he didn’t know who he was anymore."
Here, exactly, just so you know, is where I began tearing up. The dialog is just so... I honestly don't know. You've got me lost for words here :p The imagery that came from the quoted passage and the scene in general is still vibrant in my mind. You use such little description of the scenery yet somehow, with their movements and the resistance--I guess you've created such an intense image of the two of them, the rest of the scenery just falls into place without needing to be described. It's so rare that I read FF--especially something AU like this--and believe it could have happened just as if Jo had written it. That's mainly because of plot, but also because of the characterization.
I usually try to be more specific with reviews but honestly, the only thing more I can say is that I officially fangirl you. Being such an avid Harry/Draco fan, it's veryveryveryveryveryvery rare that I can enjoy FF with one of the two with anyone else. You've got me itching for more D/H. :p
And now I'm off to stalk your author page. Maybe after I've slept a little I'll be able to explain all the "OH MY GOD's!" that kept popping up while I was actually reading this (which is why I need to write reviews as I read the story).
Author's Response: *dies* Oh my gosh, thank you SO much! Wow, I love getting reviews like this! Though... I do apologise for causing your HP world to crash down. *cough* First of all... I'll admit; I agree that in JKR's world her characters probably would not kill themselves. But sometimes, including suicide in my stories is so very appealing because I want to create the sort of effect that you described - while I was establishing the idea for this fic in my head... it was sort of crucial that Harry was dead, preferably by suicide, which was a sort of catalyst to Hermione's... hysteria, I suppose [to rightfully credit the song].
Yikes, I always cringe when people tell me they're going to visit my author's page. *headpalm* Avoid the older fics, if you would... unless you'd like to run off screaming in the other direction. In that case, be my guest. :D
I'm glad you found the D/Hr satisfactory, especially since you don't read it much. Psst. Check out 'A Kiss To Send Us Off' by Potterphile12. I've already said this like ten times, but that story was seriously a huge inspiration for the way I wrote this pairing. But, I'll admit it, I am intrigued to write more D/Hr in the future! I'll let you know how that goes. Again, thank you for the lovely review! I'm quite glad you enjoyed this story.
Love is healing. Love makes the world go ‘round. Love is all you need.
Whoever said that, obviously forgot about the part where it could destroy you, leave you empty and worthless, numb to everything, except the suffocating pain of knowing you aren’t good enough.
Hate is strong word. Hate destroys us. Hate is an ugly thing.
Sometimes, it’s our hate that drives us. It fuels us, pushing us through the past, forcing us to accept what we have. It gives us a reason to move. It motivates us into action.
Sometimes, hate is all we have.
Hey there! So I'm writing this as I read, and everything will most likely read disconnected and not have any fluency to it at all.
I like the opening passages and the sorrow which you so beautifully convey, but I have to admit it's kind of confusing. When you refer to people by only their appearance, it gets really confusing to keep up with who's who, and I think that often, only one initial appearance description is enough to suffice. When you overuse it, it, again, gets confusing and turns people off immediately (believe me, I've been told-off for it many a time XD)
I really liked the description of Marlene and how she affected the friendships of the group. In so little words you created an entire character who I can see, know, relate to. I think it's because you described her as a friend would describe her, not as a narrator would, and that voice put more life into her than a narrator could.
She lifted it to eye level, toasting herself. She was throwing a pity party, one invite only. Drink and cry, wash away the tears, drown the sadness. Life was a bitch, why not drink to her health?
Most likely the most brilliant line I've ever read, where pity parties are concerned. To this point the most prominent thing I'm noticing is how consistent the changes in emotions are. Nothing is abrupt, as sadness usually goes (one second they're sad, the next they're angry, the next their weeping uncontrollably...), but everything really flows together so that the reader is feeling the emotions with the character, and not just getting slapped in the face with them. To add, as I've--as has most of the world--been in that place where a noisy bar and a good beer is all you want, I think you really... portrayed that well. As bars are the most common settings I've seen in the fictions I read, I think you've really played on all the right tones (explaining why she went there, her treatment to the bartender, the quoted line).
Another thing that I do often:
“Insult you?” snarled Sirius, his temper finally flaring
You slipped PoV, or perspective, or whatever. The way you've written it, it describes his emotion as he or a narrator would describe it, not Lily. As we're seeing and hearing Lily's voice, she would have to say something along the lines of "She could see his temper flaring" or "his eyes burned with a finally flaring temper" or just something that describes it from Lily's point of view. It's such a small and insubstantial line, but to the nitpicker like me (who's gotten told a hundred times over that I don't keep PoV up) it stands out.
I've found what's been poking me this whole time:
Dorcas’s eyes flashed. “I wasn’t offering it,” she snapped.
You have a really good knack for characterization; not canon-wise, just person-wise. Attitudes aren't flat and continuous, but they actually change as people's actually do. I'm not quite sure how to elaborate on that, but it's really refreshing to read.
Halt, it's the spelling police! (Yeah, I'm kind of corny)
Dorcas nodded. “I hope you decided to; you need to get out of here.”
Surprised danced across his face at the sight of her, but he grinned easily. “Hey, Lily.”
So overall I really enjoyed this, but the ending wasn't quite what I expected (I'm not really sure what I expected, so I can't image that's of much help. :D) One thing I could point out though is that there wasn't an... ending, to Sirius and Lily's relationship-- it didn't have any finality. I know that her going to James is supposed to be that finality, but... I don't know. To end this lamely, I really enjoyed reading this. :)
Summary: It's the morning of the first match of season: Gryffindor versus Slytherin. As usual, Ron is nervous. He takes a walk by the lake and encounters some Doodle Shadowed Knooks - at least, according to Luna.
Luna always was good at making peole see things they'd never noticed before...
Please review :D
First off, I really like how you begin this. The line …the potent smell of eggs and bacon burning his nostrils. is much more subtle and creative way of saying that Ron was nervous. I don't often see (nor do I remember to use) authors using the five senses to portray emotions rather than just stating them, so I really love that you start it off with a big creative bang.
I don't know what it is, but I'm absolutely loving your characterization of Ron. My biggest problem with him is that he's such a complex character than I just go for the easy clichés. He's hungry, he's angry, he's whiny, or he's brooding. Somehow you've captured him and not FF!Ron, and yet you're still playing on the FF!Ron clichés. But they're not clichés. I'm going in circles here, aren't I?
You're using his nerves. He's anxious about the game. His ears go red with embarrassment. All things that are often overdone, and yet you've got them at a level that's not pushing any limits, and it's allowing for his real characterization to come through (and you're getting a fair amount of plot build up too). This…
He didn’t know if it was because of their sheer determination to win, or simply because they just didn’t have feelings.
Is just Ron! Just plain ole' is. And it's freaking hilarious, too, which is just a bonus. I love his narrations about the game. I'm going to have to move on from characterization some time soon.
Yeah, but I can't (I'm writing this as I go). Every narration about the people in his life rings so true of how I've always imagined Ron. This line…
Hermione was the cleverest witch Hogwarts had seen in centuries. She was destined to go far, break boundaries and reinvent the values and rules of magic.
Hermione in a nutshell, and even more so from Ron's point of view. I also loved how you said the relationship was one-sided: Also how Ron would see it. Have I mentioned how much I love how you characterize Ron? Have I? I'll mention it again. I love it.
Little known grammar fact:
Ron examined a hangnail on this thumb. “Well, uh, if you don’t want to, that’s okay… I was just thinking…” He trailed off desperately.
Ellipsis's aren't full stops unless the have four periods, rather than three. So here, the "H" should be lowercase, unless you wanted to bring the ellipsis there to a full stop and add another period. However, the tag is describing how he spoke so it makes more sense to use an unfinished ellipsis.
“See you later, Luna,.”
Luna gazed briefly at their laced fingers and a smile crept onto her face. Suspecting this was hard for Ron to do, she didn’t comment on it.
You slipped PoV here. Since we're hearing Ron's voice and narrations through third person objective, you can't slip into Luna's thoughts.
Luna couldn’t stop her smile from stretching.
Overall, this was a very cute one-shot. I like the idea of Ron not pining after Hermione for the entire time he was at Hogwarts, and that he would he open towards Luna. I'm not much of a shipper outside of H/D (and lately J/L) but you've kind of opened a door here; the romance wasn't overdone (tis not fluff, dear. Too realistic to be fluff. :)) and the way you began this (can I say one more time how much I loved your characterization?) with his doubts really built up to the ending very well.
Very nice story. :) I shall be looking up more from you!
Author's Response: Okay: wow! Your review made my day Ari! Or maybe my life - one of them, anyway. 'Big creative bang.' Tee hee - I've been smiling like crazy since I read that. And you like my characterisation of Ron? I was so worried I didn't get him right; as you said, he's so complex that people write him as if he were a troll that uses his fists instead of conversation. Also, as he's so funny and has this definite sense of humour I wasn't sure could I portray that properly - I'm not naturally funny. And his 'enequality' compared to Hermione must have preyed on his thoughts a lot; Ron had very poor self esteem. Oh, thanks for the grammar tip! And the POV tip - how did I manage to miss that? Teehee - I thought it was fluff. I shall get rid off that tag. Thanks again for your amazinggg review!
Summary: Severus Snape is undoubtedly a man who has had more than his fair share of adversity. And he is also a man twisted by his experiences. What childhood experiences, only hinted at in the memories Harry accidentally saw during Occlumency lessons, helped mold Snape into the Death Eater he later became?
My dear goodness! When I looked at the length of this I was disappointed, but you've told more of a story in one thousand words than many can tell in ten thousand. I just absolutely adore the narrator voice used; I don't think I've ever actually read it on MNFF. Oftentimes this PoV obstructs the emotions allowed through the narrative but that is certainly not the case here.
Tobias & Eileen: Absolutely captivating. I was expecting something rather dark and was definitely not disappointed. The way you've painted Eileen as an abusive human being (I would say 'wife' but somehow that doesn't feel right) completely diverges from the commonly accepted theory that it was Tobias who was abuse, and you've written it in a way that's not just believable and fairly original (I can't assume it's never been done before, but I've never read it, nor do I think it's been done as well as it was here) but just plain interesting.
I don't really know how to explain it but you've done a fantastic job of squishing an entire story into such few words. The way the story unfolded was just perfect; including Snape's parent's history before jumping into the time he was around was done very well, and allowed no room for questions (i.e. . . . it felt complete? I don't know how to phrase it :/ ).
I really have nothing but compliments (which is so very rare in reviews :p ). The image of a young Snape finger painting with his mother's supplies is still vivid in my mind, as is the fearful flying pillows. xD
The last passage, in particular, is just so . . . powerful. I've never been very interested in the child Snape (or the man, really) but the way you've written it—that the only part of him that mattered was the part that came from his mother—is just so true to his character.
Author's Response: About the brevity - it seems to just be the way I write. x.x Even when I feel like I'm being long-winded, my stories always end up really short. As for the narrator voice, I think I call it "fairy tale voice" in my head - it's kind of distant. Tobias & Eileen: I think this was one of my random I'm-on-a-walk-and-bored-sick-AND-without-paper-so-now-let's-have-good-ideas ideas. xD I'm glad you felt it was complete...I did hope it felt that way even though it was so short and impromptu. =) As for the only part of him mattering coming from his mother, it just seemed to me that that must have been a central fact in his life as a child. If he had respect for his father and for the Muggle blood that ran through his veins, he would never have been a pureblood supremacist or a Death Eater - in fact, probably the only reason that he, as only a halfblood (like Voldemort) was allowed in Slytherin was because of his total devotion to hatred of Muggle blood. -shrug- Anyway. Thanks for the long and awesome review. =D
Summary: The Triwizard Tournament is back after ten years, and Abraxas Malfoy sees it as an excellent chance to prove himself to his adopted parents. Sick of being overshadowed by the new family member, he vows to enter and remind them of their first son. However, he soon discovers that there are things more important than being recognized for eternal glory. I am Angela_Prongs of Ravenclaw, submitting for the Second Task of the Mugglenet Triwizard Tournament.
Aw, short and sweet and yet insanely enjoyable (and adorable xD). I love the characterization in this, not only from the OC (which I'll get to shortly) but also of Draco and Astoria (the later who is… well, pretty much an OC anyway).
If it says anything to my attention span, I clicked on the link and began reading before even reading the title; I was going to say how much I loved how Abraxes' motive changed after spending a quiet afternoon with his baby brother, but considering that was the point of this, I think it might be a little redundant. >.> Well, redundant or not, I love how you narrate this change of mind in Abraxas: In the beginning we automatically think "Yep, he's a Malfoy alright" due to his attitude and that never-failing Malfoy sneer, but toward the middle and around the end we're shown a lighter side of the character, a side I can definitely seen being inherited from his father, even if we never got to see it (I'm a diehard Harry/Draco/Draco-has-a-bleeding-heart fan XD).
And then toward the end, characterization staying completely consistent (i.e. it didn't feel at all like a light being switched, even though, in the situation, a lesser author could very well have slipped into the inconsistency black hole), Abraxas comes back around to being bitter and put-off by his parents. I loved how consistent and realistic this character is and I do hope you continue with the story so that I can see more of him. ;)
Characterization aside, I love the beginning of the story, where we see the newspaper article on the TriWizard Tournament; very nicely executed plot device to introduce us to the TT. In fact, I can't think of a thing that wasn't executed well here. The plot, the characterization, the reasoning behind this changed motive—it was all written very well and I just adore the prose here.
And you HAVE to continue this, Ange! Jeeze, you can't give us this amazing beginning and then rob us of the rest of the story. I want to know what happens in the TT, I want to see Draco and Astoria realize they've negligence their older son, I want to see more! You've got such a brilliant beginning here and it's only fair that you continue.
Summary: A year after the battle, Ron decides that he is ready to propose, and does everything he can to ensure his proposal is just right.
After Hermione says yes however, the happy couple quickly discover that planning the perfect wedding is not always easy, and there are plenty of problems to be overcome before they can finally make it down the aisle.
First off, I'm writing this as I go and it will thus read disjointed and weird. Bear with me. :D
“Shut up! I wanted to say that I’ve decidedtoaskHermionetomarryme,” he said very quickly, without pausing for breath.
The tag is a little redundant, considering "decidedtoaskHermionetomarryme" is all one word, indicating that Ron was speaking fast, and also, well, without pausing. So to read both tags afterward, it's a little awkward. Still something I can see Ron saying, though. :D
“Anyway, so I took her some deserted moors where I thought we’d have the chance to do a bit of flying in peace
This is confusing. Do you mean 'took her to"?
Other than those two nits, I can't find a thing to pick! The grammar is spotless (wouldn't expect less from an Unspeakable ;)) and I really adore your writing (from the grammar to the flow, it's just amazingly enjoyable).
I like how you started the story with narration on Ron's awkwardness with romance: I could never see him being anything but, and I think you've pulled this across without playing on any of the clichés. Hermione's contentedness with his minimal gestures also just rang so true: I don't see Ron and Hermione being an overly romantic and gushy kind of couple, considering their backgrounds. Hermione being a brainy kind of girl, set in logic, and Ron being brought up in a humble family with little money but loving parents—a "down to earth" relationship is what I really see for them, and even though you've only shown a little bit of their relationship in this chapter, I think you've brought that out quite nicely.
Which brings me to the proposal: Just adorably amazing. His conference with Harry at first was, while also awkward, hesitant, and embarrassing, such a could-be-canon moment that I couldn't stop smiling, despite the fact that I wasn't even to the romance yet. :D Harry's retelling of how he proposed to Ginny (especially the "Kissing in midair while attempting to…" line. Adorable. :D) was… I don't know. Not canonical, not cute, but just… real. The conversation was… Well, I don't know, but I particularly enjoyed reading it.
The proposal itself was also all of the above words used to describe wonderful romance. :D (Insert 'cute', 'adorable', 'enjoyable', and 'I-couldn't-stop-smiling' here). One thing that I thought was missing though was that there wasn't a lot of reminiscing on their years spent in Hogwarts. I am far from an expert on romance, but I think that every couple has a beginning, and when you're writing after that beginning, one thing that can make or break you is how well you incorporate their past into the present. Considering we're dealing with fanfiction here, and your readers know Ron and Hermione so well, I think that in a good fluff it's vital that you slip in canonical references, keep their relationship fresh in our mind, but also, more importantly, keep your spin on it present. A little mingling with the past and present is (at least just in my opinion) what really makes a good romance.
Despite that, though, the setting and the description and his proposal was… Can I just giggle here and let that suffice? :D I don't know how many more ways there are to tell you how very much I loved this chapter, so I'm just going to stop and say I hope you're not as much of a sporadic writer as you say you are. :p (Oh, and I know it's a bit odd to critique outside of the story but uhm… you spell "sporadically" wrong in you’re a/n… :))
Author's Response: Firstly, thank you for such a great review. I was browsing the Monthly SPEW review thread and suddenly saw and my name and was very surprised as I hadn't yet checked my email to find that I had a new review. Thanks for pointing out those mistakes - I've got one or two other things to edit so I'll fix those as well. And thank you for the feedback on needing more of the past integrated though. I'll try and show a bit more of that in the next part. And I'm glad you liked my romance :) This story was my fluff-fix so I'm pleased someone else appreciated the romance as well! Oh and *rolls eyes* at spelling mistake - the one part I didn't do in MS Word!
Summary: This is the story of true love. Over the course of the summer the unexpected happens and many things change in the lives of our three favorite characters. This is my take on the the way things should have been. Follow the trio through the summer after the battle, their seventh year at Hogwarts and beyond. H/Hr. Enjoy!
I adore your writing. There were a few awkward sentences here and there but that's all to do with style preference and not with the actual writing.
There's only one thing I see that could possibly be a problem in the future (it hasn't really affected this prologue): The character's thoughts on the war. If the timeline is right in my head (this is directly afterward, right?) then I find it very odd an almost unbelievable that no one would think about it. You did begin with a short passage on how Harry felt but considering the losses, I think that more than just a sentence or two should be given to the war.
You say it's too depressing to start the story off with the after events of the war, but even still, post-war stories have to include the after effects. 99% of the time I say 'pft' to anyone who says "only do this" or never do that, but in this instance, I do think that it's completely necessary. The war brought deaths by the hundreds, not just the lives lost during the Final Battle; Voldemort's rein inflicted not only the families of the lost, but the families of those who went to his aid; most importantly, Harry's life, from the age of one, was lived for the mere purpose to defeat him, and Ron and Hermione were brought into that fate at eleven: These kind of things don’t just die with the end of the war.
I understand that this story is not about the end of the war, but it can't be forgotten either. This might sound overly harsh and I don't mean it to, but I think overlooking these things is very detrimental to a direct-after story, no matter what the plot or point is. For instance, you mention Molly and her over-protectiveness, but nothing to the fact that she lost a son. You mention that Harry regrets never being able to take a trip, but no regrets that have to do with the war. Ron lost a brother—he doesn't seem to be mourning at all. And Ginny—Hermione mentions that she avoids coming out of her room sometimes, but only says that it's because of Harry: She, too, lost a brother.
I don't mean to go on about it, but I just want to make sure I explain myself right. To have the characters acting as if the end of a twenty-year (give or take—I don't know canon as well as others =/) war is like another day, is, well… just off to me.
Now, on to better things. :)
I think your characterization (other than all the previously mentioned babbling) was very spot on. The Ron/Hermione dynamic was very believable and canon-compliant; I do agree with Natasha that you could show some of their arguing so that we get to see the action rather than just see it through Harry's POV.
I also really love how you've handled H/G. Harry (while talking himself out of his emotions) mentions how she's like a sister in HBP and I think that those thoughts coming to fruition is very believable. At the end of HBP when Harry's breaking up with her, I always sort of felt like that was the end, that they're relationship was meant to happen but not continue on into their later years. And it also opens the door to Harry/(Draco!)Hermione. xD
For an hour they sat in the kitchen, just talking. There was no tension in the room when it was the three of them, just talking as friends. It felt like the old times, before the final war when they could relax and just be themselves without the fate of the world resting on their shoulders.
I loved this passage. After the end of the series the most persistent image in my mind has always been how the trio went their separate ways into life, coming together for meals sometimes and at work, as they all worked at the Ministry, but seeing them together during a quiet and cozy evening at the Burrow is very… reminiscent and nice. It painted very beautiful imagery.
I promise you a better review for the first chapter. >.< I know I fixated on the war aspect a lot but only because I feel so strongly about it. Considering the characterization shown here it's amazing that this is your first fanfiction. I eagerly await the next chapter!
Author's Response: Ari, thanks so much. I have considered what you've said abou the war. And during the betaing/rewriting process I'm trying to fix it to a point. Mentions here and there. Ghosts of the past. Things of that nature. Rather Han dwelling on it for any long period of time. And don't worry, the fight between Ron and Hermione is coming. As soon as chapter two, which is currently in the queue, gets validated. Hanks again for reading and reviewing.
Summary: After the First War, wizards and witches everywhere were celebrating. But there were still losses, and deaths to be mourned; and in the end, there were more similarities between the good and the bad guys than one might like to think.
Molly Weasley had two brothers, who fought Voldemort and paid with their lives. She always thought that all what happened was horrible, but she never thought it would happen to her own family. And now, people everywhere are celebrating, and hardly anyone thinks of all the heroes that died anymore.
Avery was a Death Eater. He watched many people suffer and die, and never cared - until his friends die for Voldemort’s cause. And now, people everywhere are celebrating, and no one thinks of all the brave and good men the other side had lost.
This is padfootsgirl1981 of Hufflepuff and Karaley Dargen of Gryffindor submitting for the Interhouse Co-Op Challenge in the Great Hall.
Now don't go thinking you can make me feel bad for the losses of the Death Eaters. xD Well, I suppose there's an exception for Draco, but never mind that.
I love how you've shown two sides of the story here; Molly and her brothers and a Death Eater and his comrades. While the loss of a blood brother is painful, the loss of a brother in arms is also just as painful, and, though we're seeing the side of an enemy to good, I think you've shown that well. I also love how you've linked these two stories by surroundings and by similar situations, further linking the lives of people fighting for different sides.
The scene at the burrow was just lovely. I haven't often imagined the Weasley household in a time where all the characters we know are in diapers or just out of them, and I think you two have—even in this dark time—brought a very interesting light upon the time. The characterization of Molly was absolutely enjoyable, as was seeing Fred and George as toddlers. The two of them stick fighting in the name of their passed Uncles is… very… sad and adorable.
I think you're take on the prompt was slightly less… hmm… involved than the other entries I've read. There isn't as much length nor story here, but in absolutely no way is this story less touching. Even though you chose the war that we are not familiar with, you've shown how loss touched those who fought in the first war against Voldemort. I think that the message of "Dead and Gone" not only applies to the story—how the losses were overlooked because of the triumph—but to the time period that's overlooked because of the greater losses that occurred in later times.
Lovely story here: short, bitter-sweet and to the point, and absolutely enlightening.
Author's Response: Mdmes Padfoot and Prongs (ahem *claim) would like to thank Ari for her amazing review. We both had a lot to do during the time of the challenge; I don't know if maybe it would have been longer had we both had more time. I'm very glad you enjoyed our story, and again thank you so much for this review we love long reviews :D *hugs*
Summary: Teachers and students returned to Hogwarts the September after the battle to suspicion and prejudice. What can they do to pull all the houses together as a single Hogwarts, rather than separate houses under one roof?
This story is an entry in the Cooperative Challenge for June of 2009 by Cheshlin of Slytherin and ProfPosky of Gryffindor.
Here with the promised review. :)
Maybe it's because I've had a sad song on repeat for the last hour, but I've been sniffling since the moment I began reading. I've read a good handful of stories that take place directly after the war—stories that show the trio as they go back to school, stories that show Hogwarts being rebuilt (and you'll get a mouthful on the brilliance and originality shown here, later ;)) – I've read a lot of post-Hogwarts. This story, so far, even though there aren't any pointedly-make-you-cry passages or narrations, is just heart-wrenching, and very, very original.
I just love you two's take on the prompt; I've only read one other entry so far and while they are both equal in originality I think this story shows a very accurate account of what might have happened after the war. Concentrating on the rebuilding of trust between the Houses is something I have never seen and, as shown by the story, something that shouldn't be overlooked in fanfictions.
(I haven't had this hard'a time writing a review in a long time—there are simply too many things to get to.)
The characterization—all across the board—was fantastic. From McGonagall to Draco, and even Slughorn and the short (and so terribly bitter-sweet) line from Severus, I can't find one instance within this story to point to and say "this is off". I am guilty of laying things on too thick when I attempt a post-war story (and more importantly do I read fictions in which things are laid on thick); a character's eyes glaze over as the memories of the past haunt them… Draco falls to fits of either tears or rage… Hermione is "changed" and not even a smidge of her IC characterization is seen…. Nothing even remotely close to these clichés were present, and even more remarkable was that I didn't feel that the emotions were downplayed either.
If I had to pick one character I loved most it would be Hermione, without a doubt. This line…
“Clap, you fools, they clapped for us.”
literally brought tears to my eyes. I don't know why—it's not a sad line and it's not in a sad or emotional passage. Coupled with the fact that it is just so Hermione, it was just… bah! You two are making my reviewing capability very, very hard. But settling for "This is a fanfreakingtastic story" never really makes an author feel accomplished so, I carry on….
At first, admittedly, I was expecting this to be a happy-go-lucky story about how the troubles of war were overcome and everyone ended up hugging each other crying and singing together like good ole' friends. And while that would'a been a nice story (xD) I just love how the prejudices were incorporated and not overlooked. Pansy's rant in the common room and Seamus' words to Hermione (among other narrations and lines) were very nicely done, and kept the sense of reality prevalent. I suppose a good way to put it would be that there was a fine balance between hope and prejudice; between the past times, the present struggles, and the future that everyone was working toward. The plot and the characterization seem to work seamlessly here.
Before I forget: The way the castle rebuilt itself. O.O (That face says "OhmyGodricGryffindorgivemewhateveryoudrankthedayyouthoughtofthat.) I'm not sure what can be said other than that was absolutely the most enjoyable piece of magic I've ever read in a fanfiction; several authors have written their own ideas about how Hogwarts was rebuilt and several have done that very well, but the castle itself having magic to rebuild itself? Brilliant. Just absolutely brilliant.
Overall, I'm still just awed by this story (as you might be able to tell by this ramble that puts shame to the word 'review'). I'm also kind of annoyed because I cried while my family was watching. :p
This, without a doubt, deserved it's first place.
Author's Response: WOW! Well, Thank you for this review! It is very detailed and thought out and having done a bunch of reviews the past few days I am freshly reminded of how much easier that is when the story has obvious flaws and things one doesn't like. For a North American I have a reasonably thorough understanding of European medieval architecture, and I have figured for a while that the castle MUST be able to rebuild itself. Salazar Slytherin did not hide the chamber of secrets under a nineteenth century bathroom "A thousand years or more ago." While I am willing to grant that wizards may have kept a better handle on Roman engineering and had some sort of running water and sewage systems - vitrified porcelain? Taps that turned? I am just not buying it. Being well acquainted with plumbing that is only 50 years old, I am dead certain the taps, if by some miracle they existed, did not go a thousand years without repair of some kind. Yet, there is a tap marked with a snake and a functioning entrance to the Chamber's outer halls. This has got to mean that the castle has been repaired or updated, but not changed so much that the entrance was lost. Would wizards who didn't even know the chamber was there have been able to do this? Even if knowledge of the chamber were passed down in Slytherin - which it does not seem happened - would it go one thousand years unbroken, and every time the bathroom needed repair, provide a properly trained Slytherin wizard to do it? I don't see it. Also, any castle that lasted through certain parts of the Middle Ages would have had a chapel. We don't see one. A one thousand year old castle would not have had the types of towers this one has, or be entirely integrated - they started out as towers inside of walls. Etc. So I have thought for a while that the only way the castle could deal with its evolving roll in Wizard society would be if it were able to change on its own to meet the needs of the Wizards within. The Room of Requirement does this, in a way. So, there had to be a way to make it happen. Thanks for thinking this is cool! Hogwarts is a pile of magic that gets bigger with every year, and if Dumbledore did not know all its secrets, none of us can - so lots of things are possible, in my mind! I did try to stay very much in character. These people were traumatized, true, but the ones we see this term are the ones who were able to make themselves come back. It is quite possible there are witches and wizards all over Britain whose eyes really are glazing over, and who really are going from vacancy to hysteria - but they are not back. I can't imagine Hagrid being anywhere else - you notice Slughorn has to talk to himself about it, but all Hagrid is doing is worrying he's to be sent away. When people are bumped or disturbed in a life of privilege, they will either rise to the occasion or become bitter, it seems to me. Pansy never struck me as being much of a human being - forgive me, Miss Parkinson, but if you have hidden depths they are just not seen in canon - so I had no trouble making her rant. Draco is, I think, more of a survivor. He is able to take a practical view. And the Aaswells are not terribly political people. The brother has strong ambitions, but they are ones anyone would admire, and he is close to his sister. I am betting at least one parent was Hufflepuff. Thank you so much for taking the time to be so detailed in your review, and I am so happy that you liked it! PP
Have you ever thought about those moments that really defined your life? The ones that were pivotal, life-altering? They can be as obvious as your wedding day, as defining as the birth of your child...or as small as a moment in time, as subtle as a glance between one person and another.
The greatest moments of our lives can sometimes be the shortest and simplest of them all.
A missing moment from the Half-Blood Prince and part of the "Moments" series.
Two firsts combined in one story has produced the most playful and imaginative prose. This was not just a very enjoyable read, it literally felt like the words were dancing, like . . . like there should've been a song playing and those confusing ribbons and sparkles floating across the screen as the scene played out. You know what I'm getting at, right? 'Cause that's the most confusing bit of a review I've ever given. :p
Moments is only the second second person PoV story I've read. Previously, I would have told anyone that this PoV was confusing and just not enjoyable. I don't like the use of 'you' and usually I just get the feel that the form restricts the story from being told. Twice now that opinion has been shoved back in my face with a big, whopping "STFU" and I am only too glad to have been victim by Moments. The trail (much rather than 'train' -- a train is a big clunking thing that's awkward and lacks fluency) of thoughts along with the descriptive narrative pulled not only the scenes but the emotions together just absolutely wonderfully. As Harry and Ginny rushed from spot to spot I could—as awkwardly mentioned before—literally see them as if it was the 'aww' moment in a movie where you see the pair you want to be together finally have their moment of happiness. (Yep, still weirdly phrased. My apologies.)
Other than the fantastic prose, I think the premise for this story is just too adorable, and the choice of pairing for this premise only fits all too well. This . . .
The moment from earlier has passed, but it has transformed and blossomed into the greatest moment of your life, the one you thought would never come. He might not realize it, and it might be years before you hear it out loud, but in that moment, his eyes are telling you that he loves you.
Just . . . aw. That's all I got.
To wrap up this most unhelpful review, I just wanted to say how very, very much I enjoyed this. :]
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the incredibly lovely review! I understood what you meant, as I was going for what I hoped was a part of their relationship they never got to see. I believe that Ginny would loosen Harry up, allow him to relax, and that they would spend alot time together after hours because of studying for the OWLs. I wanted it to be playful, joyous, moving, until it hit that moment - as the title probably gave it away, lol. I'm very touched that you like it, and thank you so so much for the review!
Summary: It was only a kiss, how did it end up like this? It was only a kiss… It was only a kiss…
Draco Malfoy has been released from Azkaban. He is free to start a fresh. The only problem is, he doesn’t want a new start, he still wants one thing from his old life. He wants that one thing more than anything in the entire world. But she does not want him back. And he cannot accept that.
Before I even read further I have to say how very freaking Draco the first passage is. 'Freaking' because I can't say the other word, but the other word would hold the weight of just how very freaking Draco it is.
"I'm sorry," he said simply.
I… don't even know how to explain why that hit the amazing radar. I'll try from the beginning….
The imagery from this passage was just amazing. Using past tense the way you did, it allowed for his current and past emotions to be shown, and seeing how conflicting they were—the emotions themselves and how they compared, present to past—just… inspired images. Fear, pain, more fear, hope—it was like the emotions painted the scene, so I was seeing through a haze of (freaking amazing writing) . . . emotions. That's the only way I can explain it. :/
But back to Draco. It starts off with the six years of Azkaban and slides smoothly and flawlessly to the bathroom scene with Ginny, and from point a to b, two very different sides of him, it's just so… in character. It's Draco. And maybe that's why the 'simply' line caught me; an apology from him is something that probably happens once in, I dunno, fifty or sixty years, and his saying it 'simply', it just made the scene blow up in my mind. Like he was even surprised that he would apologize.
I've never been so taken with the first five/six hundred words of a story. :]
But oh, before I forget, the obliviating. Dare I say it again? I dare. AHHHH it's just something he would do. *smiles and nuzzles into her Draco* You have seriously done his character justice in such a small space.
If she was with me, she wouldn’t be living in such a pathetic little place, Draco thought. With a sharp jolt he was reminded that Ginny wasn’t with him, she was with pretty-boy Potter.
I'm going to try and pry myself away from the happiness that Draco's character isn't just another carbon copy, but this line/s made me smile. It shows so perfectly what a true control freak (even in a mild sense) Draco is. And the fact that you've completely avoided any of the old rivalry between him and Harry and simply listed him as pretty-boy is just wonderful. It shows that he doesn't and never did like him, but you didn't stray from the Ginny/Draco point by downing us in Draco/Harry rivalry. Very nice. :]
I have to say the ending was kind of abrupt. It feels like unfinished business and, well, don't stab me with pointy things but I just don't think Draco would give up that easily. I was completely captured by the mood and feel of the ending, but Draco is a fighter in my mind. If he wants something, he'll do whatever he has to to get it.
On the other hand, six years in prison changes a person, so maybe it's a moot point.
What struck me most about this story was the imagery. Some stories, no matter how well written, interesting, or hear-wrenching they are, simply tell you a story. While that's acceptable—I read to hear a story—being able to see things so clearly, it's . . . I dunno, nice? lol. As I first said, it was like watching things through a haze of emotions, and from what was happening to how dear Draco was feeling, I was definitely not disappointed.
I feel like thanking you for doing Draco such justice. xD
Author's Response: Ari, that is the most amazing reveiw ever. I didn't even think this fic was that good >.< but as long as you like it, I am over the moon! I am glad you like Draco so much! I know what word you meant, you told me on AIM lol Draco is one of the few characters I feel like I can characterise half decently, so I am incredibly happy that he works for someone else too :-D I am glad I didn't dissapoint you! What else can I say? just thankyou so much Ari! *squishes* Russia xxxxx
Aww. Short, sweet, and very cliché-free. xD
I'm torn between liking and disliking the way you used dialog to tell the story. While it did get the job done in a way that's more to-the-point than third-person narrations, I also feel that a part of the story was missing; like there was just a bit of the story that didn't get told because the main lump of it was through dialog. I've read the first chapter of Curiosity Killed The Cat though, so I know you know what you're doing, and I won't drone on. xD
I just love how you've explained Lily's feelings toward the Marauders and their pranks; that they were only—of late—'picking on' people who deserved it is not only a very believable theory, but a perfectly clichéless reason behind why Lily might've warmed up to James. Personally, I like to believe it was a moment when the world shifted into place and little hearts started fluttering everywhere, and they looked into each others eyes and… *cough* But the way you've explained works too. XD Moreover does Lily's feelings behind it all work well; I think you did a great job tackling the most difficult MWPP scenarios (Lily/Severus, Lily and James' friendships, the Marauder's pranks, AND SNW) and the wonderful writing didn't hurt either. ;]
Very enjoyable story, my dear. :]
Author's Response: I'm glad this scenario seemed both reasonable and non-cliched to you. =) And I definitely blushed at the line "I think you did a great job tackling the most difficult MWPP scenarios (Lily/Severus, Lily and James' friendships, the Marauder's pranks, AND SNW) and the wonderful writing didn't hurt either." You're a flatterer, Ari, that's what you are. :P Thanks for the awesome review. -hugs-
Summary: Draco Malfoy has asked Harry Potter for a meeting. When Harry arrives, curious to see what he might want, the revelations Draco makes are astounding. Will this very difficult conversation change the way the two men see each other? Will Harry be willing to help Draco?
Right. Well. . . O_O
We’ll get to explanations on the extremely shocked eyes in a mo’. . ..
I’m basically in love with this. The idea, the characterization, the characterization . . . the characterization. The characterization. Have I mentioned the characterization? Fan-squiggley-tastic. But before I blabber on, I have to say that the dialog was deterring. Not that I’d trade a single laugh at nearly every line, but the amount of it, so sparsely broken up by description, was really off-putting to the extent that it interrupted the enjoyability (not a word!). Describing body language, movement, what’s happening around them – all of it can add to a scene just as much as quick-witted bantering, and more. If just a few passages were broken up with better-detailed scenes, it would, IMO, certainly add to the overall quality.
And O_O My Godric! I never thought I’d ever find a Draco whose trademarked wittiness was something I’d actually expect to hear from Draco. It’s brilliant! The both of them – I was doubled over with laughs through nearly every line! The premise of the story – that’s worth a laugh too! (Not Ginny and Draco, but Draco having to go to Harry. Just . . . xD) My Godric, poor Draco. And Harry’s reaction was just spot-on perfect.
Gahh. This was so wonderful. =D I do hope you get more stories up. Particularly stories with Draco, and Harry. Please and thank you. =D =D
Author's Response: Awww thanks so much for your wonderful review! It made me smile :) And I totally see what you mean about the dialogue - actually, this was supposed to be an entry for the Gift of Gab challenge before I decided to not make it one, haha. Anyway, I'm SO glad you liked the characterization; I tried to make it as close to the vision of Draco and Harry in my head as possible. Plus I'm glad you found it funny! Thanks so much for reviewing again :) *hug* Apurva.
Summary: Jenna Lloyd is a normal Muggle; she has a normal name, and lives a normal life. Who would have thought that a shower of rain, a mysterious antique shop and a beautiful locket, would change her life forever?
Even though you’re evil for holding my story hostage, I still love you, because it’s not hard to find words for this story. :] The writing is very beautiful and though there are a few grammar pickings I can find, I won’t go through the routine here—IM-poke me if you’d like me to point them out.
I’m just so curious as to where this story is going to go. There is so much I want to know about the shop and the locket and what it’s all going to mean to Jenna (also, I have an OC with the same name *high five!* xD). You’ve set up the story very nicely, where characterization, plot, and suspense is concerned. The reader gets a good enough idea of who Jenna is without knowing too much, i.e. not only is the meaning of the locket going to be a surprise, but her reactions and emotions won’t be predictable. You’ve given us just enough of a taste of personality that everything is up in the air—very, very nice. =D
The descriptive passages were just wonderful. I love how you’ve given life and interest to a run-down old shop in the middle of nowhere. The descriptions made the imagery POP into the mind, not only of the outside of it, but the interior of the shop, as well. Considering how full of old trinkets and junk and so much other stuff it is, to be able to follow every word and line and really *see* it, well, that was just wonderful.
Don’t leave me hanging for too long. xP Update soon, deary.
Author's Response: *cough* I gave you your story back didn't I? =D *high fove!* I didnt know you had an OC called Jenna! I am so so so happy that you like my writing =D I am so excited to write more now! I love you so much Ari, thankyou so much for the wonderful review! *tacklesquiggles* I am VERY sorry for leaving you hanging for WAY too long! I PROMISE to update son! *squish* Russia xxxxx
Summary: Everyone knows Oliver Wood. He's the seventh year Gryffindor obsessed with Quidditch. But why is he so focused? What drives him on? And how will he cope when the Dementors get too close to his Seeker, and Diggory catches the Snitch?
Shutting himself in the changing room showers, Oliver cannot bring himself to visit Harry in the hospital wing, for the Dementors have released long repressed horrors in his own life. Will he finally face the reality of his life and obsession?
This is Equinox Chick submitting her final for the Characterisation class on the MNFF beta boards.
I would like to thank Emma (Amortentia X) for her invaluable help in beta'ing this tale. She not only corrected my horrible punctuation but helped a great deal with characterisation. I would also like to thank fgweasley, inspirations, eternalangel, Electronic Quillster and luinrina for their suggestions in class. Last but most definitely not least - thank you, Prof Haylee for allocating me Oliver Wood!
Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling, but I doubt you're surprised by that.
** indicates a line taken from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
The opening lines are taken from a Stevie Smith poem called 'Not Waving, but Drowning.'
Nominated for a 2009 QSQ award in the Best Same Sex Pairing category. Thank you.
Also nominated for a 2010 QSQ award in the Best same Sex Pairing category. Thank you!
Oh, how the Ari loves the complexities and angst-ities of slash. XD Wood/Diggory is by far the most rarepair I’ve ever read and though I was very . . . doubtful, at first, you have so been put in the book of eternal slashy awesomeness. Also, before I begin anything at all serious, I couldn’t stop seeing that vampire boy’s face the entire time and it’s going to be a while before I can read HP or FF without seeing Diggory sparkle. >.< Fail. Twilight boy, you just fail.
Good thing your Diggory beats the crap outta sparkly vampires. xD
Okay, that out of the way, I truly did enjoy this story. I think you’ve really captured a minor (to majorish) character and given him a story and a personality that is completely your own and yet flows together with the canon Oliver we see seamlessly.
One thing I have a problem with is his father, and while it doesn’t disrupt the story at all, I just can’t help but to point out that a sport player’s father being an old champ and unfairly pushing his son is . . . cliché. I think you could have stressed that it was also what Oliver wanted a little more. As it is, what he wanted and what he didn’t want is sort of left hanging in the air, and considering how sports-centered Oliver is, to leave his feelings behind his father’s incessant pushing so undisturbed makes that aspect of the story feel incomplete. I understand that your inclusion of Oliver’s father was more to stress the point of his fear of sexuality, but I still felt that that aspect, specifically, could have been elaborated on more, for the purpose of steering from the cliché and also to give the reader a better sense of Oliver’s drive behind Quidditch.
I just love how this story felt well rounded. There wasn’t just one conflict; Cedric/Oliver wasn’t the only interesting storyline; Oliver’s father wasn’t the only antagonist. I do love a good angsty slash!fic where the pair are the central focus of the story, but after reading this, I don’t think I’ll be able to enjoy those quite as much anymore. I thought, at first, that Katie was just going to be a device used to show Oliver’s struggles, but you went above and beyond expectations by actually giving them a story, something that sticks in the mind, making their parting even the more touching and important. At the same time but on a different spectrum, I love how we don’t only see one side of Oliver, either. His emotions and characterization don’t come off artificial or flat, but very lively, believable, and emotional.
One thing that didn’t meet initial expectations was Cedric and Oliver. By initial I mean that, well, the romance/slash/what have you lover in me wanted lots of drama (or melodrama ;) ) and screaming and shouting and angst! angst! angst!. Honestly, and I’m contradicting myself just a wee bit, I don’t know if I’m disappointed or relieved that their relationship came off realistic rather than . . . run-of-the-mill angst!ff. Their exchanges, Oliver’s narrations, and the end . . . well, I can really see that happening. Don’t ask why that disappoints me. >.>
Speaking of the end, well, just wonderful. They didn’t run off into the sunset and they didn’t part, weaping and screaming. They made a rational decision, and you left just enough of a cliff there that I’m happily sitting on the edge, wondering if Cedric will ever turn up in that shower. Very, very nice.
Well, what else can I say other than I absolutely adored this story, even if the characters and emotions weren’t running wild in complete confusion. xD
Author's Response: Hey, Ari, Thanks for the review. I'm glad you enjoyed it - it's my first slash fic so I was quite anxious to get it right. I take your point about his dad, although he wasn't a former champ - he was pretty useless unlike his son. I think I should have probably stressed that more as well as the fact that Oliver did want to be a pro - it wasn't just because his dad wanted it.
Ahh, the ending. I must confess, I left it open because I didn't want to break the pair up and we all know what's going to happen to Cedric. I'm strongly thinking about a follow up ... so you may just see Oliver in the shower. (Oh and I saw a bloke on the train last night who was exactly how I picture my Cedric - not at all sparkly and with the most amazing green eyes *sighs at bloke from train* I have yet to find my Oliver!)
Thanks again. ~Carole~
Summary: All accomplished men like Dad share something in common – they are looked down, degraded, criticised for everything they say or do, right or wrong, and they take all of that in, patiently, uncharacteristically. Somewhere in those decades, the same society gives up on them, awards them with a pedestal of hero-ship and an immunity from all things used to roughen them up in a past life. People like Dad never again stand on the common ground like the rest of us.
Albus Potter reflects over past and present upon his father’s death. My impression of Harry Potter in later years – a hero of sort and so much more.
Will a sad face suffice? Or an exclamation point? So like . . . :(! Really, I tried making mental notes throughout this to bring up, but I'm just . . . blown away. And very sad.
The character development throughout this was wonderfully done (very awkward to use a positive word when I'm still sniffling). What I find exceedingly odd is that the characters outside of Albus were the ones I saw most clearly—'felt' much more personally. Not to say that his narrations were uninteresting or not absolutely touching and heartbreaking, but I felt that you really shinned when you were describing the actions of other's, the looks on their faces, and Albus' interpretation of how they were feeling. I'm also very impressed by how nothing was confusing; with the whole of the Weasley clan and even more characters, keeping up with who's who and the like is difficult, and especially difficult to keep the reader attuned to who you're speaking of, and I think you really did well there.
His eyes are closed also. His face is bare, wiped clean of things he didn’t want people to see, except all what is explicitly visible there – the skin that juts over the cheekbones of his thin face, the stubble on his chin that is at least a week old. The wrinkles that come alive when he talks, smiles, expresses frustration and anger are all smoothed away, and his face is like a beach after a high tide.
:(! Among the other breathtaking descriptions, this one definitely stands out. It's so . . . melancholy, but beautiful. Even out of context, if the reader just thought it was describing someone who was sleeping, there's a pang of sadness to the description, something in the way it gives a brilliantly vibrant image of his 'lively' expressions compared so starkly to the impassiveness of his face as Albus sees it presently. Just . . . :(!
The scene with Percy was a wonderful inclusion. The entire character dynamic there just didn't feel like a 'scene', it didn't feel . . . structured, like most passages do. It flowed exceptionally well and even though there were so many characters involved, some slightly unfamiliar, there wasn't any confusion. Even though James and Percy were the main focal points here I think the exchanges between Ron and James were much more . . . touching. Vibrant. Something. I don't know why but I always imagine the entire Weasley clan as a happy, joyous, sunshine and rainbows family, and the way you've written their interactions is just touching and realistic.
The ending felt slightly rushed. Or not rushed, but sudden. There's so much emotion swimming around, so much imagery of the field and the guests, and then bam (not really BAM but bam), it's over. It wasn't really disappointing; I can see exactly why it needed to end there, and the last few bits of dialog were wonderful, but perhaps a bit more of a transition could have been given. A better lead off from "here's where you can start crying your eyes out" (coughIsodidn'tcry) to the overwhelming sense of pride that's emanating off Albus (and into the reader—may I abuse 'wonderful' one more time and say that was . . . wonderful).
I sincerely enjoyed this story. It's very sad, but more touching sad. Not really depressing, but the premise of it could make any decade-long HP fan weep for the loss. Oh, but, before I forget. The little details you included were (cough) wonderful. Great. Interesting. (I lost my thesaurus). Lily's allergies and Dominique's closeness with Harry; things we don't need to know, but knowing them added so much with so little the dynamic of the story. It really made it feel complete.
I'm glad you liked the scene with Percy and James. And it's interesting what you say about the Weasley clan being a big happy family. I like to think so too, but then it's just more fun to write that they had their share of clashes too. There were a few relationship and characteristic dynamics which I wanted to explore through that scene. Does Percy appear to you as the power-loving Ministry dog? In reality, I wrote this exchange to actually deliver something more than this inital impression that we all keep of Percy and enjoy the silly-evilness of his character. My idea is that Percy really respects Harry a lot in the later years after the war, and he wants Harry's family to acknowledge that Harry deserves some monumental or sort of an event of a funeral where everybody would be in attendence as they bade farewell to a hero. He's again one of those Albus refers to later on who look at Harry with hero-ship and view him as an ideal. So, this is Percy in later years, someone who has changed but people tend to keep a stereotypical view of certain personalities and Percy ends up being the victim of same. He has some old-Percy moments but after the war, and till many years after, his family just was not able to get past the pompous behaviour of his. I wanted to say how we can be wrong sometimes in judging what we see on the surface. Harry seemingly did (like we see the hint of it in the Epilogue) and James probably did as well.
James and Ron on the other hand, are close in a way that suggests that Ron was most likely James' godfather as well. There is a relationship of respect and understanding. I'm happy you commented on that. You also noted that the other character's came through as more animated than Albus' own feeling. I'm glad that was picked up because it was intended to be this way. I put in Albus' own feelings at the beginning and in the scene with Ginny but generally, I wanted his feelings to come through the others - for his feeling to live through the others in a way. That is, I use first person as a tool. Albus notes specifically those emotions and people that in a way reflect how he feels. I see that as an advantage of the first person - it gives me the space to write the character on a very personal level. I have got so used to it, I actually find trouble writing others :)
About the ending :( I know! Azhure told me that it was sudden and I thought and thought but couldn't find a way around it. As I said, this is the first thing I have properly written in a while and I was bound to mess it up somewhere *weak smile* But I needed my practise for the Lily/James chaptered-Marauder Era that is coming soon now.
The little details are what I worked on the most. And the writing I had been holding inside for too long now just seemed to come out in my favour. Lily's allergies as you called it weren't so much as an allergy than something that would make a pregnant woman puke. But I'm glad you liked all that. I needed you to know the characters on a emotional level so you could feel sad with and for them.
I'm wondering though - did ANYBODY pick up on the global warming details I put in there?!? I'm sort of an obsessive environmentalist, and this was one of the themes behind the one-shot :D
Thank you, Ari for leaving a review. It didn't fail to remind me of the highly energetic individual I know on the forums *hugs back*
Summary: On May 2nd, 1998, Harry Potter walked calmly into the face of death to save those he loved, bringing with him only his wand, and four people brought back with an extraordinary stone. Unbeknown to him, they had also come on a journey to be with him that night.
Yikes, you and your suspense! I’ve been trying to do these reviews quickly, for the night is no longer young, but damned if I was able to stick to my one-chapter-only rule. I blew through the prologue and first chapter and had to stop myself, because I was skipping lines in eagerness to figure out what the blast was going on. Very, very well done. Very. Very.
I do have a nit to pick, though. The description in this chapter feels rather heavy. I think it did aid the suspense, but a little goes a long way; by blocking information with description you make the reader all the more anxious, but it can also have an adverse affect, because we won’t hang on the edge forever. The description itself was wonderful, every sentence of it. But I think it would have been wise to forgo a bit of imagery for information.
As for the story itself, I’m hooked. The summary sparked my interest immediately, and the set up is wonderful. I will definitely return. =D
Yikes -- sorry. Please refer the below review to the previous chapter. :o
Summary: Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks both died alone; their friends would never know the story of their last breaths.
Here is, at least, the tale of the death of one of them. Tonks is looking everywhere for her husband, but in the end she will have to face the terrible truth and her own fate...
My Kara-Bolara! What a sad story. :( I do have a few things to pick at, if you will forgive me…
My first thought when I started reading was that there was a lot of telling, instead of showing. The first few paragraphs come off rather technical, which makes the emotion struggle with coming through. Especially this…
her whole mind was focussed on this one thought – where was Remus?
I think it would have been better if you hadn’t put it out there so frankly, but woven it in. Show us how Tonks is searching through the bodies; ruling out where she knows he isn’t, and let the reader learn of her objection through that, rather than telling us.
I’ve read many of your stories, and I know showing/telling isn’t a weak point for you. Rather, you’re quite strong in it. I would have loved to see more of it in this piece.
I do love how, in the end, Tonks isn’t paying a darn bit of attention to her murderer. Bella’s taunting is nothing but background noise, and you show how Tonks’ thoughts aren’t for her death, but for her family very well. Her strength in dying really embodies the message of the Battle of Hogwarts; death being inevitable, glorious even. Showing the pride and dignity in those who fought, while simultaneously telling the personal story, always hits very hard.
Overall, a very touching piece, but I wouldn’t expect less from you. =D –squiggles-
Author's Response: Ooh I had almost forgotten about this story... I see what you mean though - it's (again - that seems to be becoming a problem here!) as though I need a while to get into the... writing thing. I should probably rework this. I wrote it rather spur-of-the-moment-ly, and that probably shows in the description.
BUT! Thank youuu - I'm so glad that you thought I did well with Tonks towards the end. I'm very anxious about characterisation lately, so I'm glad I apparently did something right here :D
Thank you for the ariview, I always love them ^-^
Summary: Mrs. Weasley has always treated Harry Potter as another of her sons, but her relationship with Ron's other best friend has had more low points. In early July at Grimmauld Place, Molly Weasley has a much-need conversation with Hermione while she knits.
I really enjoyed this piece. Molly’s characterization was wonderful, especially since you showed us a lovely soft side to the overbearing, over protective mother. All we normally see is the shrieking and yet we don’t get to see that it comes from a place of love, and I think you’ve illustrated this wonderfully.
However, there were a few things that I wanted to pick at. First, although I think that this was meant to just be a short-and-sweet scene, it did seem to be lacking in foundation. One-shots are usually slack on the plot building and that works because most readers views the pieces as scenes rather than entire stories, but I think this story would have done well with more plot backing it up. You laid out a lot of points (Molly’s apology for her actions, the children never spending time together, Hermione warming up to Ron so early), but only incorporated them through dialog, so I was left with a rather unfulfilled feeling. I think that if you had explored these aspects more, given them more meat, they would have ultimately come across with more emotion and impact.
Also, I wanted to comment on the conversation as a whole. As with the plot, it was rather quick, and I think that with such a fantastic premise here, it would have been all the more enjoyable had there been more to it. The conversation as it is is touching, seeing it from Molly and Hermione’s point of view, and amusing as all hell for the reader, knowing how awkward Hermione must have been. If you had illuminated perhaps the body language of both of them, incorporated more narration as to how both women were acting outwardly, we would have been able to connect further than we were interpreting these things for ourselves.
Speaking of amusing, both of their sentiments toward Ron were adorable, and hilarious. =D You really captured the nature of the relationship between mother and her son’s romantic interest. More so, though, did I really get a feel that it wasn’t just two women, but two witches. There was some sort of atmosphere about the setting, or maybe the conversation, that really tuned in to the less-than-normal circumstances the magical community lives in.
Over all I really enjoyed this! It was an entertaining insight into Molly, and the premise was extremely cute.
Author's Response: I'm trying to work on fleshing out my writing. This one-shot is a prime example of why I need to do so, isn't it? I'm glad you still able to enjoy it despite this major weakness. Your comment about me capturing the spirit of the magical community really made my day. So often in reading HP fanfiction, especially stories that are about ships, I feel like a real sense that it is set in a world other than our own is lacking. Thank you so much for taking the time to write an in-depth review, Ari. I'm sorry I hadn't taken the time to write a reply sooner.