"What manner of man are you that can conjure up fire without flint or tinder?"
"I... am an enchanter."
"By what name are you known?"
"There are some who call me... Tim."
"Greetings, Tim the Enchanter."
~ Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Welcome, reader of my appalling autobiography! By using your amazing powers of deduction, you can safely assume that I like Monty Python... which I do! I can pretty much recite the entire movie (as well as most of Life of Brian and several sketches from Flying Circus). For your own good, please don't get me started... but it doesn't matter since you can't hear me anyway.
Obviously, I am also an avid Harry Potter fan, and I presume that you are one likewise. You probably wouldn’t be looking at my profile page if you weren’t. Anyway, I’ve been reading the Harry Potter books since they came out, but I only started reading and writing fanfiction after Deathly Hallows came out. As for why it took me so long, I don’t know, but who really cares, so let’s move on to some of the things I like about the series.
My favourite HP book(s): For all of its faults, I quite like Deathly Hallows, though Deathly Plotholes would be a more appropriate title. Some things like the allegiance of the Elder Wand and Ron speaking Parseltongue were quite ridiculous and stupid, I think, but the tension and suspense in the book was what made Deathly Hallows a great read. The book succeeded in making me swear aloud and profusely at crucial parts, a reaction that none of the other books were able to provoke. However, for literary merit, I think Prisoner of Azkaban is the best of the series. It doesn’t have any gaping plot holes, has a sane and different plot from all the other books, and it introduces some great characters.
My favourite HP characters: I cannot pin down a single favourite, but I happen to like the Weasley twins, Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks, and Luna Lovegood. The Weasley twins are great for the obvious reason that they never fail to amuse me, and their complete disregard for all rules and authority is something that I myself could never manage, and is part of what makes them interesting. Remus and Tonks I liked separately as individual characters when they were each introduced, and I was quite surprised by the end of HBP, since together, they are quite an interesting mix of opposites. And with Luna Lovegood… well, what can I say? She’s totally eccentric, and I wish she had a bigger role in the series.
My most hated HP character: Dobby; he’s almost as annoying as Jar Jar Binks. I couldn’t stand him from the beginning of Chamber of Secrets, and I was frankly overjoyed when Bellatrix stabbed him.
So, that’s just a short overview of my thoughts about the Harry Potter series. Here’s a complete breakdown of all the fics I’ve written for this fandom. Note that I also post stories on harrypotterfanfiction.com with the same name, and fanfiction.net under the name Pseudonym Sam.
Out of the Darkness: This is the first multi-chapter story that I actually managed to finish. It’s my first absurdist writing here, with the premise of the story coming from a very strange dream I had.
Banner by me
Nominated for Quicksilver Quill Awards 2008, Best Humour
The Absurd Fanfic Revolution: This is a pretty weird story in which a bunch of fanfiction characters, tired of bad characterisation and a nonexistent plot, decide to revolt against their author – that’s me! Like most story ideas of mine, it came from another really strange dream.
Banner by Minnabird, MNFF forums
Nominated for Quicksilver Quill Awards 2009, Best Humour
As The Clock Strikes Twelve: This is my first and only venture into the Dark/Angst genre. The premise is not entirely original (being based off Ambrose Bierce's An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge), but I am reasonably happy with the result.
Nominated for Quicksilver Quill Awards 2009, Best Dark/Angst
The Butterfly Factor: This is a rather strange story about the effect that butterflies have on the outcome of Quidditch games. Yeah, it’s kind of random, but inspired by a real life incident.
Drachen: This was my entry for the Third Task of the 2009 Triwizard Tournament on the Mugglenet Fanfiction forums. I sort of wrote this thing the night before it was due, and I was quite surprised that it somehow tied for first place.
THIS IS HOGWARTS! – A Stupid Crossover Parody: I hate crossovers, so I have decided to make fun of them by writing a ridiculous one of my own! This fic is a crossover of Harry Potter, 300, and Ratatouille - basically the most random things I could think of. However, this story isn’t allowed on this site, (it is a crossover, after all) so if you want to read it, please check my account on fanfiction.net. I have also drawn a full-length comic strip illustrating the story, so you can check it out in my art thread on the forums if you have an account.
Works in Progress
Für Das Größere Wohl: Here’s my fic featuring the infamous little Nazi boy, Dieter Heydrich. I can’t really remember why I decided to write this Grindelwald-era story, but I’m glad I did. I admit that I’ve actually grown rather attached to my slightly disturbing protagonist, as he is quite fun to write.
Banner by Minnabird, MNFF forums
Nominated for Quicksilver Quill Awards 2009, Best History/Mystery
WINNER of Quicksilver Quill Awards 2009, Best Male Original Character
“Obliviate!”: For my very first Harry Potter fanfic, it hasn’t received much love. I got four chapters into it before get distracted by another project, and before I knew it, I sort of forgot about it entirely.
Yelling Yourself Yellow With Yetis: This story was spawned from a very stupid bit of alliteration (see title), which ended up becoming this fic. Like my first fanfic, I sort of forgot about this one and it’s been sitting around without being updated for about a year, I think.
The Drawing Board
The Hidden Revolution: After writing a fanfic set in Nazi Germany, it was only a matter of time until I thought about a story set in the Soviet Union. This fic will be written for my original character creation class in the forums, and I’m still working out the details. But for a basic synopsis, it is about a Muggle-born wizard’s efforts to bring socialism to the wizarding world, with the help of a certain Josef Stalin…
THINGS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HARRY POTTER
Favourite subject: History, particularly that of World War II. Ancient Greece and Rome are interesting too.
Favourite random plot device: Cement mixer
Favourite catchphrase: “Get hammered and sickled!”
Favourite bodily organ: Pancreas
Favourite main battle tank: Merkava IV
Favourite WWII tank: T-34/85
“Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way!” - George S. Patton
“In the absence of orders, go find something and kill it.” - Erwin Rommel
“Death is the solution to all problems. No man, no problem.” - Josef Stalin
“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.” - Winston Churchill
“Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.” - Napoleon Bonaparte
Some favourite songs/artists:
Der heimliche Aufmarsch - Ernst Busch
Lugovaya trava - Lyube
300 - This is Sparta! Remix - no idea who did this…
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Animal Farm - George Orwell
Ender’s Game - Orson Scott Card
Island in the Sea of Time series - S. M. Stirling
Starship Troopers - Robert A. Heinlein
Candide - Voltaire
Our Dumb World and Our Dumb Century - The Onion
Well, I hope you found that useless information enlightening.
Cheerio, gib gib blubber bbluubbaaarrrggghhh!
~ Tim the Enchanter
Summary: Luna is always one for being the center of attention, and her classmates are always ones for finding ways for making her such. And when Luna waltzes into Potions class one day with a live duck tucked under her arm, Professor Snape can't help but ask for the reasoning behind it.
A Monty Python-inspired Easter story for Tim the Enchanter
Hello Molly! I see that this story has been posted, and I’m here to give you my very prompt review. Ha ha!
Anyway, I loved it. Anything with Monty Python in it is good, and I was greatly amused by Professor Snape’s little secret. My favourite part has to be the line about the duck being "tucked under Luna’s arm as though it were a loaf of bread." For some reason, I thought that description was indescribably hilarious.
But back to Monty Python, my favourite part of Holy Grail has to be the scene when King argues with Dennis the anarcho-syndicalist peasant about the divine right of kings and representative government. Have you seen Monty Python’s Life of Brian as well? I highly recommend it if you haven’t.
~ Tim the Enchanter
Author's Response: Well, I'm glad you like the story, as it was your Easter present. And now, forever in the world of Molly, Severus Snape will be a closet-Monty Python fan! And yes, I have seen the Life of Brian. Hilarious, but they could never make a film like that today! Sad! They would all be burned. I hope someday, I can create something that people will want to burn.
Summary: I hate Lucy.
And who the hell am I? I'm Tim, Assistant Reporter... What you should be asking is what in the world I am. And the answer to that would be a White-headed Capuchin. Yes, a fricking monkey.
Watch me as I, fuelled by the thirst for anger and revenge, ruin Lucy's day completely while she tries to interview people for some stupid Triwizard tournament.
I am Sainyn Swiftfoot of Hufflepuff, and this is my entry for the Second Task of the Triwizard tournament.
I’m a roguish, profane monkey. HURRAH!
I haven’t the slightest idea as to how I inspired you to write this story, but I am deeply honoured to have made an appearance, even as a monkey.
But don’t Crucio me again – that hurts!
~ Tim the Enchanter
Summary: The Middle Kingdom, once a leader of the wizarding world, is now isolated and faces the condemnation of the world. The Headmaster of the Southern School, Zhu-ge Liang, has waited for just the right time to try and change their society.
Ten year old Song Feng is a proud citizen of the People's Republic of China and junior member of the national women's gymnastics team. The last thing Feng wants to do is leave behind her dreams of Olympic glory, but Zhu-ge Liang has other plans for her which will revolutionize the Middle Kingdom.
Now nominated for a 2010 Quicksilver Quill award for Best Original Character, for Song Feng.
Banner by Minnabird
As much as I love the Harry Potter books, I always wished we could see more of the wizarding world abroad. I've never come across a fanfic set in China, and I can't wait to see how you imagine Chinese magical society.
Of course, the setting alone does not attract me to the story. Your prologue is suitably vague, saying just enough to not reveal details but also hook my interest. What was Zhuge Liang's experiment? From the clues of "revolutionary slogans" and the leader of Muggle China wanting "to change everything completely", would I be correct in guessing he tried to do something with Muggles during the height of the Cultural Revolution? If so, that sounds both very chaotic and incredibly hilarious.
I am also officially intrigued by your short description of the history that passes while Zhuge Liang waits. The British wizarding history we already know about from canon, but what's this about Gran Colombia? A Sultanate and a Caliphate? What's going on in this crazy wizarding world of yours? I always enjoy it when authors make the magical political map look very different from the Muggle one, so I am very curious to see how you envision it. Speaking of which, how do the borders of the wizarding Middle Kingdom correspond (or not) to the PRC's?
I can't wait to see where this story goes.
~ Tim the Enchanter