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Tim the Enchanter [Contact]

"What manner of man are you that can conjure up fire without flint or tinder?"

"I... am an enchanter."

"By what name are you known?"

"There are some who call me... Tim."

"Greetings, Tim the Enchanter."

~ Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Welcome, reader of my appalling autobiography! By using your amazing powers of deduction, you can safely assume that I like Monty Python... which I do! I can pretty much recite the entire movie (as well as most of Life of Brian and several sketches from Flying Circus). For your own good, please don't get me started... but it doesn't matter since you can't hear me anyway.

Obviously, I am also an avid Harry Potter fan, and I presume that you are one likewise. You probably wouldn’t be looking at my profile page if you weren’t. Anyway, I’ve been reading the Harry Potter books since they came out, but I only started reading and writing fanfiction after Deathly Hallows came out. As for why it took me so long, I don’t know, but who really cares, so let’s move on to some of the things I like about the series.

My favourite HP book(s): For all of its faults, I quite like Deathly Hallows, though Deathly Plotholes would be a more appropriate title. Some things like the allegiance of the Elder Wand and Ron speaking Parseltongue were quite ridiculous and stupid, I think, but the tension and suspense in the book was what made Deathly Hallows a great read. The book succeeded in making me swear aloud and profusely at crucial parts, a reaction that none of the other books were able to provoke. However, for literary merit, I think Prisoner of Azkaban is the best of the series. It doesn’t have any gaping plot holes, has a sane and different plot from all the other books, and it introduces some great characters.

My favourite HP characters: I cannot pin down a single favourite, but I happen to like the Weasley twins, Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks, and Luna Lovegood. The Weasley twins are great for the obvious reason that they never fail to amuse me, and their complete disregard for all rules and authority is something that I myself could never manage, and is part of what makes them interesting. Remus and Tonks I liked separately as individual characters when they were each introduced, and I was quite surprised by the end of HBP, since together, they are quite an interesting mix of opposites. And with Luna Lovegood… well, what can I say? She’s totally eccentric, and I wish she had a bigger role in the series.

My most hated HP character: Dobby; he’s almost as annoying as Jar Jar Binks. I couldn’t stand him from the beginning of Chamber of Secrets, and I was frankly overjoyed when Bellatrix stabbed him.

So, that’s just a short overview of my thoughts about the Harry Potter series. Here’s a complete breakdown of all the fics I’ve written for this fandom. Note that I also post stories on harrypotterfanfiction.com with the same name, and fanfiction.net under the name Pseudonym Sam.

Completed Stories

Out of the Darkness: This is the first multi-chapter story that I actually managed to finish. It’s my first absurdist writing here, with the premise of the story coming from a very strange dream I had.
Banner by me
Nominated for Quicksilver Quill Awards 2008, Best Humour

The Absurd Fanfic Revolution: This is a pretty weird story in which a bunch of fanfiction characters, tired of bad characterisation and a nonexistent plot, decide to revolt against their author – that’s me! Like most story ideas of mine, it came from another really strange dream.
Banner by Minnabird, MNFF forums
Nominated for Quicksilver Quill Awards 2009, Best Humour

As The Clock Strikes Twelve: This is my first and only venture into the Dark/Angst genre. The premise is not entirely original (being based off Ambrose Bierce's An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge), but I am reasonably happy with the result.
Nominated for Quicksilver Quill Awards 2009, Best Dark/Angst

The Butterfly Factor: This is a rather strange story about the effect that butterflies have on the outcome of Quidditch games. Yeah, it’s kind of random, but inspired by a real life incident.

Drachen: This was my entry for the Third Task of the 2009 Triwizard Tournament on the Mugglenet Fanfiction forums. I sort of wrote this thing the night before it was due, and I was quite surprised that it somehow tied for first place.

THIS IS HOGWARTS! – A Stupid Crossover Parody: I hate crossovers, so I have decided to make fun of them by writing a ridiculous one of my own! This fic is a crossover of Harry Potter, 300, and Ratatouille - basically the most random things I could think of. However, this story isn’t allowed on this site, (it is a crossover, after all) so if you want to read it, please check my account on fanfiction.net. I have also drawn a full-length comic strip illustrating the story, so you can check it out in my art thread on the forums if you have an account.

Works in Progress

Für Das Größere Wohl: Here’s my fic featuring the infamous little Nazi boy, Dieter Heydrich. I can’t really remember why I decided to write this Grindelwald-era story, but I’m glad I did. I admit that I’ve actually grown rather attached to my slightly disturbing protagonist, as he is quite fun to write.
Banner by Minnabird, MNFF forums
Nominated for Quicksilver Quill Awards 2009, Best History/Mystery
WINNER of Quicksilver Quill Awards 2009, Best Male Original Character

The Graveyard

“Obliviate!”: For my very first Harry Potter fanfic, it hasn’t received much love. I got four chapters into it before get distracted by another project, and before I knew it, I sort of forgot about it entirely.

Yelling Yourself Yellow With Yetis: This story was spawned from a very stupid bit of alliteration (see title), which ended up becoming this fic. Like my first fanfic, I sort of forgot about this one and it’s been sitting around without being updated for about a year, I think.

The Drawing Board

The Hidden Revolution: After writing a fanfic set in Nazi Germany, it was only a matter of time until I thought about a story set in the Soviet Union. This fic will be written for my original character creation class in the forums, and I’m still working out the details. But for a basic synopsis, it is about a Muggle-born wizard’s efforts to bring socialism to the wizarding world, with the help of a certain Josef Stalin…


Favourite subject: History, particularly that of World War II. Ancient Greece and Rome are interesting too.
Favourite random plot device: Cement mixer
Favourite catchphrase: “Get hammered and sickled!”
Favourite bodily organ: Pancreas
Favourite main battle tank: Merkava IV
Favourite WWII tank: T-34/85
Favourite quotes:
“Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way!” - George S. Patton
“In the absence of orders, go find something and kill it.” - Erwin Rommel
“Death is the solution to all problems. No man, no problem.” - Josef Stalin
“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.” - Winston Churchill
“Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.” - Napoleon Bonaparte
Some favourite songs/artists:
Der heimliche Aufmarsch - Ernst Busch
Lugovaya trava - Lyube
300 - This is Sparta! Remix - no idea who did this…
Favourite films:
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Young Frankenstein
Blazing Saddles
District 9

Favourite books:
Animal Farm - George Orwell
Ender’s Game - Orson Scott Card
Island in the Sea of Time series - S. M. Stirling
Starship Troopers - Robert A. Heinlein
Candide - Voltaire
Our Dumb World and Our Dumb Century - The Onion

Well, I hope you found that useless information enlightening.

Cheerio, gib gib blubber bbluubbaaarrrggghhh!

~ Tim the Enchanter

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Stories by Tim the Enchanter [9]
Favorite Authors [5]
Favorite Stories [25]
Tim the Enchanter's Favorites [30]
Reviews by Tim the Enchanter

Challah and Pumpkin Juice by Calico

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 119 Reviews
Summary: Tzipporah Stein, a Jew living in Vienna, Austria on the eve of WWII, is shocked when she gets a letter telling her she is a witch. The volatile state of Europe as it waits for both a muggle and a wizarding war to begin has prompted Hogwarts to take in students from many countries. How will Tzipporah handle magic, mischief, and even a little romance while trying to be true to her religion and culture at the same time?
Reviewer: Tim the Enchanter Signed
Date: 07/30/08 Title: Chapter 1: Prologue

Salutations, Calico!

I must say that this is a most excellent and intriguing story, so thank you for entertaining me! However, there is one nitpick that I feel I must bring to your attention.

Unless using a magic train that can transcend the barriers of air, land, and sea, it is impossible for a train to go from Vienna to London, since Britain is an island – well, in 1945 at least, since the Channel Tunnel wasn’t built until 1994, but I digress. Assuming that Tateh took a Muggle train full of Muggles, the best way to get to England from Austria would be to take the train to the coast of the English Channel, at say, Calais in northern France or some port in Belgium or the Netherlands.

From Calais, it’s a simple matter of taking a boat across the Channel to Dover, where Tateh could take another train north to London. If he had taken a ship from the Low Countries, he probably would have entered Britain from the East, landing at the Port of London. Bristol is located near the (appropriately named) Bristol Channel in southwest England, some 170 kilometres west of London. Since it is quite out of the way of the journey from Vienna to London, I couldn’t help but wonder why passengers from Austria would take a long detour by sailing around Cape Cornwall to get to Bristol to get to London!

So, that concludes my rant on transportation and geography. I do like your story very much, so aside from that little issue, good work!

Tim the Enchanter

Author's Response: Wow, you have a very good point. I didn't even look at a map before I wrote that part of the epilogue (which just goes to show how lazy I got about researching towards the end) and I'm very sorry for the impossiblity of that scene. I'd change it, but I feel like altering any part of this story now would do more damage than good - my muse has gone on a well-earned vacation, so I think I'll just let any reader who, like you, finds this hole in the plot make up a reasonable explanation for his or herself.

An Hour-Long Existence by Misdemeanor1331

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 8 Reviews
Summary: Vincent Crabbe has just died. How strange it is to watch the people he knew fighting a battle for something he didn't care about. And how utterly dull. But oh, such was death.

Random one-shot. Please enjoy!
Reviewer: Tim the Enchanter Signed
Date: 03/25/08 Title: Chapter 1: An Hour-Long Existence

On the contrary, this story is not the least random, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I think the confusion and just plain apathy suited Crabbe perfectly.

However, my only complaint about this story is that some details of the battle are out of order. Otherwise, great story!

Tim the Enchanter

Author's Response: Ack, sorry about the continuity issues!! I didn\'t have DH on hand when I wrote it (opting to trust an increasingly less-than-reliable memory instead...) I\'ll fix it as soon as I can.\r\nOtherwise, I\'m glad you liked it!

Semiautomagic by angelicxdiscord

Rated: Professors • 19 Reviews
Summary: Wizards excel at midrange combat. Only midrange combat. Up close and personal? The wizard’s screwed; there are no known hand-to-hand practitioners in the magical community. Widen the gap? The wizard’s screwed; a sniper beats a spellslinger any day. I can reach out and touch a victim at two kilometers; a conjurer’s lucky if he hits the broadside of a barn at that range.

It is 1997. The Dark Lord has returned. Death Eaters have taken control of the Ministry. Information is tightly controlled and propaganda is fed to the masses. Dissidents and undesirables disappear on a regular basis. All is lost, resistance is futile, yada yada blah blah blah. That’s what they’d like you to think.

My name is Corinne Lambert and I’m part of a three-man terrorist cell conducting direct action operations against Voldemort’s puppet regime. Working closely with our liaison from the Order, Charlie Weasley, we use anything and everything at our disposal to combat the Death Eaters. Magic. Firearms. Explosives. Whatever gives us an edge in this war. Because they have the numbers, they have the resources, and they have the home court advantage.

They won't know what hit them.

Guest starring Charlie Weasley, Cho Chang, various Ministry officials, Death Eaters, and other magical creepy crawlies.
Character death will only apply to fairly minor characters in the Rowling-verse.
Special thanks to Colores for proofing the first chapter of my story!
Reviewer: Tim the Enchanter Signed
Date: 05/01/08 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Hello, My Name is Undesirable Number Sixty Six

Finally! A story that appeals to someone like me! It’s good to know that I’m not the only gun-crazed Harry Potter fan!

Personally, I’d go with the CETME Ameli LMG as opposed to the M249E4 and an IMI CTAR 21 instead of an M4A1, but that’s just me. Also, what calibre is Arch’s USP CT in? .45 ACP, I presume? Also also, what is Arch’s primary weapon (unless it’s the USP…), because I don’t think you mentioned it.

Incidentally, I happen to be writing a story that features magically enhanced L85A1 assault rifles charmed to be lighter, have more ammunition capacity, less recoil, etc.

But enough of the guns! This story was a thoroughly entertaining read, and I look forward to reading the next chapters. Good job!

Tim the Enchanter

P.S. Avtomat Kalashnikova obraztsa 1947 goda!

I submitted this review with the above name in Cyrillic letters, but this site doesn’t seem to be able to read them. Sorry if I caused any confusion by deleting this review twice and rewriting it!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review!\r\nI chose the firearms based on the armory utilized by DEVGRU and the like. MM used to operate in the Colonies, after all.\r\nAs for Arch, you\'re right, he\'s slinging around .45 ACP cartridges. His primary\'ll get introduced later on, probably when he\'s up against something more substantial than Snatchers.\r\nAgain, thank you for reading, and I\'ll be sure to check out your story!

Voldemort: The Psycho Dark Lord of Hogsmeade (Sweeney Todd Gone Potter) by Schmerg_The_Impaler

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 41 Reviews
Summary: The final installment of my set of Broadway musical spoofs about Voldemort's life!

This is Stephen Sondheim's brilliant musical, Sweeney Todd, but drastically warped and twisted by me. If you ever wanted to hear a song where Voldemort tries to encourage Fenrir to eat various Potterverse characters, this is the fic for you.

My other two spoofs about Voldemort, those of Les Miserables and Wicked, can be found on my profile. I've also got spoofs of Phantom of the Opera, High School Musical, and Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Enjoy!
Reviewer: Tim the Enchanter Signed
Date: 05/04/08 Title: Chapter 1: SWEENEY TIME

Hello Schmergo,

That was-was… b-beautiful! Poor Volders, why did he have to d-die? WAAHH! Well, anyway, this was a thoroughly entertain musical biography of everyone’s favourite homicidal maniac, sadly lacking in hair. I have never actually seen Sweeny Todd so I had no idea what the tunes for any of the songs were, but it was an enjoyable read nonetheless.

If you plan on making more musical spoofs (which I presume you are), I would personally love to see one on Spamalot. Monty Python fans of the world, unite!

Tim the Enchanter

P.S. About six hours ago, I sent you my second picture for your Potter’s Pentagon art challenge. Could you let me know whether you got it or not? Thanks.

Author's Response: AWww, thank you ever so much! I recommend you see or listen to Sweeney, because it is absolutely smashin\'. Tim, I did indeed get your picture and almost fainted. It is amazing, and I\'m about to reply to your email. I had a bit of a crisis involving all of my emails getting accidentally deleted, but it works now.

Reviewer: Tim the Enchanter Signed
Date: 05/30/08 Title: Chapter 1: SWEENEY TIME

Hello Schmergo,

Well, I just saw the movie Sweeny Todd for the first time a few days ago. I really enjoyed it, though I thought Johnny Depp slitting people’s throats with great gore and violence was just disturbing, especially since he does so in graphic detail about twenty or so times in the movie. On a slightly more cheerful note, I couldn’t help but notice that many of the actors play Death Eaters in the Potter films.

With that in mind, I decided to read this musical spoof a second time. Though I have forgotten the tune of some of the songs, I enjoyed this story more the second time reading it, since I at least had some idea of how most of the songs were supposed to go. Speaking of which, I’m curious to know what the differences are between the songs in the movie and the Broadway version.

On a very unrelated note, I sent you another picture on Monday, but I was wondering if you got it or not. Currently, I’m trying to think of what to draw for yet another Potter’s Pentagon art submission, and I’ll probably send you my next entry within a few days.

But I digress. Once again, this was an entertaining and fascinating read, and I look forward to your next musical spoof, hopefully of Spamalot!

Tim the Enchanter

Author's Response: Welll, hello there! Yeah, one of the bigest appeals of Sweeney Todd for me was seeing Harry Potter characters singing... especially Snape, which was hilarious. The throat-slitting for me was actually less scary than I thought it would be because it vaguely reminded me of the Black Knight from Monty Python... the blood was so fake and spurt-y that it seemed funny, though the Judge\'s death was disturbing for me. I did get your email... I\'m sorry I didn\'t respond! I\'ve been so busy with SOLs (Horrible standardized tests that everyone has to take) and end-of-the-year projects, such as French Revolution Puppet Pals. (Hey guys, I found the source of the bloodshed! It\'s a guillotine! YAAAY! *Shing*) Glad you liked this!

The Traveler's Secret by eternalangel

Rated: 6th-7th Years • 51 Reviews
Summary: It’s 1940 and Paris has just fallen to the Nazi Regime. The Muggle world is in turmoil, but little do the Muggles know that the Wizarding world is also at war. A weary traveler comes to England carrying a secret that will change both worlds for better or worse . He comes seeking protection and help from the adept Albus Dumbledore, a Professor at the famous Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. But there is more danger about than even Albus has anticipated. Can Dumbledore protect the traveler and his secret?
Reviewer: Tim the Enchanter Signed
Date: 08/18/09 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1 Dark Times

Hello Sheena,

Well, I’ve finally decided to read The Traveler's Secret all the way through. Guess it’s about time, considering that I’ve posted a few times in your original character threads on the forums.

I like what I’m reading so far. The story is unfolding like a good mystery - espionage work is always fun to read.

However, one thing that bothered me about this chapter is the way you spelled Adolf as ‘Adolph’. It looked so… odd, spelled with a ‘ph’.

~ Tim the Enchanter

Author's Response: Thanks Tim for the review and for catching the mistake. I'm glad you like it so far. I hope that I keep everything as accurate as possible to the time period. If there is a mistake in some of the facts, please let me know. I am always open to constructive criticism.

Reviewer: Tim the Enchanter Signed
Date: 08/18/09 Title: Chapter 6: Chapter 6 Jean Fulver

Interesting buildup you have going, Sheena. I like how you gradually reveal details so that I, the reader, wants to keep turning the page, if there were indeed any pages to turn.

Though I must commend you for your intriguing plot and interesting cast of characters, I have some several issues with this chapter pertaining to historical accuracy and realism.

First, there is a problem with timing. You wrote that Jean and Marius joined the army after the beginning of the war: that would be September first, 1939. However, you said that it was a year before Jean got his first mission, but France was already occupied by September 1940. Also, you describe Marius doing espionage in Germany for months and months on end before returning to France, and again, this would be impossible because France surrendered in June 1940. Also pertaining to timing, you appear to have overlooked the fact that it takes time to train a good spy. Marius and Jean would have precious little time to do any spying at all, between the end of their training and the fall of France.

Second is the way you portray spying. You describe Jean and Marius as soldiers and spies, but these terms are not synonymous. Also, (ignoring the timing issue mentioned above) I have trouble believing that Marius and Jean could have ever gotten to Russia by walking overland through Germany. Considering Marius' reckless actions (how did he ever become a spy if he couldn't control himself?), there is no way they would have made it - a secret police system as good as the Gestapo would have picked up their trail and found them. Also, the majority of Germans were patriotic Nazis, and I find it hard to believe that Marius and Jean would be able subsist off "generous hands" - how would they know where to find people sympathetic to them? Lastly, why did Jean and Marius walk overland to Russia anyway? The Soviet Union was neutral at the time, so the two could have just taken a ship flying the flag of a neutral nation and not have to worry about the Germans torpedoing it, or the Soviets sending it back. They could have even just taken a train from France, through Italy (which was neutral until 10 June 1940), east across the Balkans, and into the Soviet Union, which would probably be the simplest and easiest option.

Thirdly and lastly, is the Krum manor house. Aren't the Krums wizards? If they are indeed wizards, having them live in plain sight of a Muggle village makes little Harry Potter sense. But why do the Krum family servants use guns? But, wizards or not, there is no way an aristocratic, bourgeois family would be allowed to exist in the Soviet Union. Such elitism is diametrically opposed to everything that Bolshevism stood for, and there is no doubt that the CPSU would have evicted the Krums (or worse), seized the estate, and redistributed the land. Even assuming that the Krums are wizards who could Obliviate any Muggle they want, the communists would not leave them alone and they would be a constant topic of investigation. If such a family of bourgeois aristocrats were mysteriously able to resist every attempt to arrest them, I suspect that troops and/or police would have been sent to simply kill them. Seeing that Jean was easily able to blow up large parts of the manor with Muggle explosives, the Red Army would have assuredly wiped them out.

I like this story, but unfortunately there are some serious historical inaccuracies and logical problems.

~ Tim the Enchanter

To Draco, With Love by Hutchinson

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 158 Reviews
Summary: Draco somehow managed to get his very own advice column in Hogwarts' school paper, where he gives his sage opinion to those who dare to ask for it. Feel free to write in for advice about love, life, school, family, anything you can think of! But remember... with Draco, you tend not to get the answer you expected!
Reviewer: Tim the Enchanter Signed
Date: 07/22/08 Title: Chapter 2: Issue the Second

Hello Hutchinson!

I love the concept of this story – very original and unique for its interactivity. Of course, it’s funny too.

Tim the Enchanter

And here’s a letter…

Privet, Draco Malfoy,

I’m sure you are tired of hearing everyone moan about their hopelessly tangled love lives, but I need your advice concerning something much more important. I was walking down the corridor to the Charms classroom yesterday when this one obnoxiously rich girl bumped into me! I need your advice, Draco. I want revenge!

I want that insulter of Hogwart’s proletarians to suffer, to feel pain, to know what humiliation is like! She cannot bump into People without consequences! NO ONE can bump into the PEOPLE without punishment! I want to I want her to rue the day she was born into riches and prosperity – her lofty pedestal of Galleons must come crashing down with her on it!

I need advice from a fat, capitalist pig, i.e. YOU. Being so intimately familiar with the lives of the rich and affluent, how would you seek your vengeance? How can a humble proletarian such as myself strike with ruthless effectiveness against this snobbish, exploitative oppressor?

If you answer to my satisfaction, I will grudgingly call you “Comrade,” though you are still a capitalist git.

Pseudonym “Psychotic Socialist” Sam

Author's Response: Thanks for the feedback, and Draco is reviewing your letter!

Kill Bill (And Arthur) by Schmerg_The_Impaler, Nevilles Girl

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 38 Reviews
Summary: It is a blustery day in Hogsmeade, and Arthur and Bill Weasley are minding their own business. That is, until they each receive letters instructing them to mind each other's business in a most intrusive and rather final sort of way.

But this is not just about Arthur and Bill. They happen to be a small part of a much bigger, much more ambitious scheme that they know nothing about, run by a frighteningly powerful organization. What exactly is going on, and what exactly will Arthur and Bill do?

Written as an entry for the Gauntlet, by Schmerg_The_Impaler of Hufflepuff house (most of the Bill bits) and Neville's Girl of Slytherin house (most of the Arthur bits). Probably the strangest thing either of us has ever written.
Reviewer: Tim the Enchanter Signed
Date: 07/03/08 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter One and Only

Greetings, Schmerg_The_Impaler!

This story is simply magnificent. It is an expertly written blend of drama, wild science-fiction speculation, and sheer lunacy – I was hooked while reading this story, and I can’t really articulate all the reasons I can think of to explain how good it is. I’ll simply say “GOOD JOB” and wish you the best of luck in the Gauntlet challenge!

I loved the eccentricity of this story: quite top-notch. For instance:

“…the figure swept out of the room theatrically, cape billowing behind him, and random bursts of electricity welcoming him onto the street beyond.”

That sentence was just a brilliant introduction to the raining electric eels. I was quite confused at first, but then there was the dawning comprehension in the next paragraph – I couldn’t stop laughing. To put it simply, I admire and am a bit jealous of your skills of narration.

Then there is the ending – being so ambiguous, everyone who reads the story can come up with their own unique conclusions (or plain confusion!). My own personal understanding was that Arthur had unwittingly removed himself from existence. Since his destiny is written on the document, destroying it would inadvertently destroy him too – which reminds me of Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray.

Oh yes, I have a question. What does MNFF stand for? I don’t recall you identifying the acronym.

All right, moving on…

“Well, we had Harry Potter do it in most of them,” Charlton reminded him. “Though I think a cement mixer flattened Voldemort in at least one…”

For obvious reasons, that was my absolute favourite part. I really cannot ask for higher praise for my own literary exercise in absurdity. Now I feel obligated to include allusions to some of your stories in my own fics, Schmergo! Anyway, thank you for making my week!

Once again, I must commend you for writing this amazing story. I must confess that I have never read anything of Neville’s Girl, but I suddenly find myself with a need to remedy that. With that said, cheerio!

Tim the Enchanter

Author's Response: Tim, dahhhling! I remember telling you about this story before it was posted, so I\'m very glad that you think it lived up to expectations. Oh Godric, I forgot I did this for a challenge... this\'ll certainly confuse the judges. Anyway, Luna wrote the part about the random bursts of electricity-- she had the clever foresight to edit that back into the story when we were revising at the end (because I was very adamant about putting electric eels in the story-- one title I thought of for the story was \"On A Dark And Eel-Splattered Evening.\")

\r\nAs for the ending, I don\'t think Arthur would kill himself. The idea was hopefully that Arthur ripped up the paper AFTER he got to our universe, where he\'s a real person and not a fictional character, so I don\'t think he\'d kill himself by ripping the paper. Ripping the paper just broke the connection between him and the sinister MNFF, of which we are all members, so we don\'t get to read his story anymore. The idea I was going for was when the convict Jean Valjean in Les Miserables vows to take on a new identity and sings, \"JEAN VALJEAN IS NOTHING NOW, ANOTHER STORY MUST BEGIIIIIIIN!\" and dramatically rips up his passport to swelling and very high-pitched music. Yeah, no one else got that, either.

\r\nMNFF is never identified-- Charlton says that it\'s strictly confidential what it stands for, but yes, it\'s \"MuggleNet Fan Fiction.\" I thought mentioning the website by name might be going a teensy-weensy bit too far. I never really thought up what it could mean in their universe, honestly, because I was too dazzled by my own cleverness to really put any thought into the world I was creating. I\'m sure you could come up with a really good name for the organization, though. At the moment, I can\'t think of anything other than \"My Nasty French Father,\" which I don\'t think is a good name at all.

\r\nYes, I edited in the \"Out of the Darkness\" reference shortly before submitting based on a throwaway comment you made in one of your emails. And I\'m really glad I did! It seems a bunch of reviewers are getting the reference-- hooray! (And if anyone doesn\'t, I\'ll direct them toward your story.)

Potter's Pentagon: The Past (Book Three) by Schmerg_The_Impaler

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 683 Reviews
Summary: The final installment in the Potter’s Pentagon Trilogy. Read “The Five” and “The Truth” first, myess? Okay!

WARNING! Contains Muggle adventures in Diagon Alley, unusual eyebrows, cheesy clichés galore, psycho Ted, the not-so-lost years of Merlin, a school-wide singalong, the old potato joke, Tyrone’s Princess Bride obsession, Emma’s stubborn denial of the existence of Tyrone’s mustache, a graphic death, a joke shop product as a major plot device, hobo Jordan, Jordan hugging, Jordan pulling pranks, time travel, the Love Shack, angst, and worst of all, Professor Zabini.

It’s the sixth year for Potter’s Pentagon and company, and our heroes learn that in the wizarding world, coming of age has a somewhat weightier significance. Students are busy with an Inter-House Unity Project, Jordan is having weird dreams, Pansy and Ophidias Malfoy have been released from Azkaban, Professor Zabini has a mysterious project of his own, and almost everyone is acting strangely. Meanwhile, at the Ministry of Magic, a man with a vendetta against Ron Weasley is trying his hardest to get him in the biggest trouble possible. Is the only way to save him to travel into the past?

New talents are discovered, new friendships form and old ones change, pasts are dredged up, and, of course, there’s lots of good old-fashioned snogging. And one of the five kills for the first time… while another becomes a casualty of war.

Starring 2008 Quicksilver Quills Best Male Original Character runner-up Jordan Potter, Best Female Original Character nominees Ivy Potter, Haley Potter, Emma Weasley, and Giorgi Anderson, and Best Male Original Character nominee Ted Lupin! Nominated for 2008 Quicksilver Quills Best Post-Hogwarts Story.
Reviewer: Tim the Enchanter Signed
Date: 01/14/09 Title: Chapter 12: Chapter 12: In Which Charybdis Is Nott Happy

Salutations, Schmergo!

How is life? I haven't heard from you at all - no e-mails, reviews, anything... it's quite eerie! You're still alive, right?

I digress. Marvelous chapter, especially the Ted incident! “Mr. Lupin, I was just informed by Miss Nott that you backed her up a wall and… snarled in her face…" That was hilarious! It just sounds so... weird, plus Zabinil was saying it.

I'm surprised that Charybdis (great name, by the way - wonder what her parents were thinking when they named her that!) didn't accuse Ted of breaking her wand. Thought she'd do something like that, but I suppose she was too terrified to come up with a good lie.

Oh! I forgot to mention, I have the strangest feeling of foreboding about Haley and Anatoly's group project... I need say no more.

Again, great chapter. Looking forward to the next exciting episode!

Tim the Enchanter

Author's Response: Aaagh! Yes, I'm alive! I just got an email telling me you updated your story, and I checked it out, and it turned out that I missed getting several update emails. I'm... not really sure what's up with that. But I WILL INDEED be updating. Actually, Charybdis explained the truth about what happened, because that sounded scarier and worthy of more punishment than simply saying that he broke the wand! As for Haley and Anatoly's project... well, you shall seee...

Reviewer: Tim the Enchanter Signed
Date: 09/28/08 Title: Chapter 7: Chapter 7: That Obligatory Hospital Wing Chapter

Salutations, Schmergo!

Of course – I knew “ENJYCORN” would win! Who could resist the awesome Belgian fiery lead firepower of a FNP-9 wielding unicorn? I can’t, certainly…

But I digress. It is an honour to have won the OFFICIAL SCHMERG_THE_IMPALER READER ART CHALLENGE. It was really quite fun drawing scenes from this magnificent series, and just having my artwork enjoyed by others is a good enough reward… but I’m not complaining, not by a long shot!

Jordan playing his (acoustic!) guitar was really entertaining and surprisingly easy to draw… except for his feet! Anyway, I’m glad that you think my representation was faithful, and even attractive. Thank you for liking it so much!

Now, on to the actual chapter…

Well, thank you for teaching me something new about medicine today, Schmergo. Debilitating diseases is a subject that completely fails to capture my imagination, but in this chapter you had me hanging on to every word. Only until something horrible happens to you, someone close, or even a fanfiction character in this case, do you come to realise how we take being healthy for granted.

But to move on to other things in the chapter, I have to admit that I was quite disappointed in Haley. She steals chocolate from Professor Lupin while delivering the news that his son has just collapsed, unconscious – I think that’s quite bad taste on her part. But enough of that.

This is a splendid, captivating chapter. I look forward to seeing how events unfold!

Tim the Enchanter

Author's Response: Why, it's Tim! (Are you honestly surprised that you won the contest? You entered about ninety-eight pictures...) I'm imagining you drawing the picture of Jordan and then some teacher or something coming up behind you and being like "... mmm... o-kay...." I am very glad you liked this chapter because it went under very, very, very intense revision to get it to be less melodramatic...

As for Haley, I kind of got the idea that she was goofing off to lighten the mood, so Professor Lupin wouldn't be TOO worried. I think Haley was more concerned than she let on. But then again... there WAS chocolate. Maybe she wasn't.

Reviewer: Tim the Enchanter Signed
Date: 12/01/08 Title: Chapter 9: Chapter 9: In Which Jordan Loses His Marbles

Schmergo, you're alive!

Ahh... theatre. I was wondering what had happened, thinking rather selfishly to myself, "hmm... I was expecting a review from you by now..." But then again, having to write three different long papers at the same time recently hasn't made me too communicative either, so I can't complain, can I? BUT I'M HERE NOW!

Fascinating chapter - I particularly enjoyed Jordan's conversation with Professor Lupin. Might that "female Seer who ended up marrying King Henry VIII… and it ended very badly for her" be Anne Boleyn by any chance? She supposedly had eleven fingers, so I guess that could make her a Seer! There's also Catherine Howard who too had her height reduced rather attractively with an axe, but I don't really see her as Seer material.

And Oliver Cromwell as a great Seer? That's a thought... By the way, he was long dead by the 1800s. Remember, Cromwell was born in 1599 and died in 1658, so I trust that's a typo.

Well, there's me being an insufferable history freak...

But I digress! Telemancy? Well, I see a major plot point developing here! Could Jordan's visions not be him Seeing the past, but rather Merlin imparting his memories into the future? Just a theory...

Anyway, can't wait to see where this story goes!

Tim the Enchanter

Author's Response: I AM alive! Wait, did I not write a review for your last chapter? WHAT???? I was certain that I did! I was telling everyone I know to go read it! I guess I'll be reviewing shortly!

Anyway, it was indeed Anne Boleyn (because of all of the rumours that she was a witch... by the way, I know a Catherine Howard, and she played the Dutchess in Alice In Wonderland, and I started cracking up when the Queen of Hearts began yelling, "Off with her head!), but yes, Mr. Cromwell in the 1800's was DEFINITELY a typo. It was originally Napoleon, but I remembered that he couldn't have gone to Hogwarts because he would've been at Beauxbatons. I changed it to Cromwell after I had a very strange dream where he was fleeing the American Confederacy disguised as a gypsy and reading palms to prove he was one. But apparently, I forgot the "1800s" bit when I decided that Old Boney would no longer be a Seer.

EXCELLENT theory. That's all I'll say. But I also said "EXCELLENT theory" when my friend told me that she believed that the villain of The Past would be an evil barber who hypnotized people and had a Barbershop Quartet of hypnotized minions.

Reviewer: Tim the Enchanter Signed
Date: 12/08/08 Title: Chapter 10: Chapter 10: In Which Ivy Has A Very Malfoy Christmas

Well Schmergo, this is an unexpected surprise – Quick update! It appears that the queue length has gone down from a month to about a week. I was expecting the modding my own story to drag on into April next year at that rate, so I’m glad the submission process has returned to some semblance of normalcy! However, I’m still wondering when the 2008 QSQs will be announced…

But I digress. I’m here to leave a review for this chapter, and I shall! Once again, Schmergo, your writing never ceases to amaze me and make me wish I had more free time to write myself. Your characterisation is, as always, superb – you bring to life your chaotic cluster of characters with clear, concise, and comedic clarity. Ted is still adorable (and amazingly, not in a sickening, cliché way), Ivy is starting to become an excellent heroine, and Pansy is just deliciously evil. Excellent chapter.

However, I spotted I typo that I think you should fix, since it distracts from an otherwise dramatic scene, causing me to wonder what the original sentence was, rather than admiring Ivy’s resistance to her mother:

“You want me to spend time him?” she said in a deceptively tiny voice.

There should be a “with” in there, if my assumption is correct…

Anyway, moving on, I particularly enjoyed the Christmas scene at the Potter house. For one wild moment, I thought the little box Ted gave to Ivy was going to be an engagement ring. Now, that would have been interesting!

So, once again, this was a highly enjoyable read, and I eagerly await the next update.

Tim the Enchanter

Author's Response: WHOA, Tim! THIS is indeed an unexpected surprise. I seem to get reviews in... clumps... The queue really is outrageously fast, even if the QSQ's.... aren't... at all... I really am biting my nails about those QSQ's.

In all seriousness, getting compliments from you means a lot to me, because I really envy your fantastic writing style and originality in your writing. And I'm really glad that a BOY no less feels that Ted is adorable and non-irritating. Thank you for pointing out the typo, seriously. There are SO MANY in here.

Yeah, my sister thought it was an engagement ring, too! (My sister is my first audience for absolutely everything I write. She's the best listener in the universe, and she got to read this story in its roughest draft about a year ago.)

Reviewer: Tim the Enchanter Signed
Date: 07/25/08 Title: Chapter 3: Chapter 3: In Which Ivy Avoids Attack Chickens, But Not Hadrian Bellowes

Ah! Schmergo!

Well, for the third time in a row, both our stories (Potter’s Pentagon and Out of the Darkness) were updated on the same… wait. Oh well, close enough. Ten hours difference is close enough to being on the same day, though the calendar would argue otherwise.

As usual, this was a very good chapter, Schmergo. I was relieved with Ivy’s verdict, though the prospect of spending Christmas and Easter holiday with Pansy and Ophidias sounds absolutely terrifying. I hope she survives… assuming she stays the whole time. A daring escape would be quite exciting, come to think of it!

Concerning the Auror office, I would love to get paid just to attack my co-workers! Having encouraged chaos sounds like so much fun, though truthfully I wouldn’t want to be at the receiving end of it. I’ll probably be the person who stands in the corner jinxing people who are too busy doing other things (such as dueling each other) to fight back!

Oh dear. My brain doesn’t seem to be working properly at the moment, and I can’t think of anything more constructive to say. I suppose I’ll just end this review to congratulate you for writing another excellent chapter, and say that I eagerly await the next update:

Congratulations on writing another excellent chapter, and I eagerly await the next update.

Ta daa! Cheerio!

Tim the Enchanter

Author's Response: This really IS weird. I think the mods validate our stories when they're really drunk or something. But even more coincidental...I just gave a nice long review of your story, then less than a minute letter, I get this! I'm so glad you liked this. My brain isn't working properly right now either, so I can't really think of anything more to say except... HOBO POTTERS ABSOLUTELY WIN, whether it be Harry or Jordan.

The Marauder's Map... In The Wrong Hands! by Sainyn Swiftfoot

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 45 Reviews
Summary: In the dead of the night, someone steals Harry's Marauder's Map.

What happens?

Insanity, hilarity and catastrophe, of course! (This wouldn't be a humour story if it didn't, would it?)

As different people try to activate the Marauder's Map, the four infamous Marauders answer back, in their own wonderful style.
Reviewer: Tim the Enchanter Signed
Date: 07/21/08 Title: Chapter 1: Prologue: In Which Parvati Patil Is Shocked

Hello Sainyn Swiftfoot!

I was scrolling through the recently updated/posted stories, and I recognised your name from those reviews you left me. It looks like you’ll have to update your profile now – your story hasn’t been rejected this time! That’s how I was able to read it, incidentally…

And speaking of which, I would like to say “BRAVO!” at annoyingly loud volume. Congratulations on writing and successfully submitting a funny and very promising story. I imagine Mr. Malfoy will get a bit of a shock, and he will have his revenge by giving the insulting map to his worst enemy. I wonder who that could be...?

That’s just my theory, at any rate. Keep up the good work!

Tim the Enchanter

P.S. After months of procrastinating, I am finally finishing up Out of the Darkness. Sorry to have kept you waiting, especially considering that I responded to one of your reviews with a very erroneous update estimate.

Author's Response: Tim!

I've changed the profile already! You could read it because it was validated!!?? ZOMG, I thought you had superpowers!

Oh, I've had plenty of experience with annoyingly loud volumes, with my best friend's normal voice betraying the fact that he seemed to have swallowed a loud-speaker when he was younger... But about giving it to his worst enemy, read on, and you'll see!

Do you know that I HATE you for your P.S? Not that you're going to update it, but you're finishing it? *sobs* Yellow Yeti.. Yelling whatever, your other humour story, I kind of like it less than Out of the Darkness... Banana Llama King Kong Kitchen!!!!! (And that was the absurdity intervening)

Thanks for the review!


A Christmas Miracle by Sly Severus

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 12 Reviews
Summary: Andromeda spends her first Christmas with Teddy, which is also her first Christmas without her husband and daughter.

This is a Winter Snows entry by Sly Severus of Slytherin for a Reflecting Christmas.
Reviewer: Tim the Enchanter Signed
Date: 11/24/08 Title: Chapter 1: A Christmas Miracle

I noticed that Remus was never mentioned in the story - Andromeda still doesn't approve of her deceased son-in-law, I take it? Poignant stuff, and good job!

Tim the Enchanter

Author's Response: Thanks for the review.

It's not so much that Andromeda doesn't approve of Remus. It's more that she's not really mourning him. Sure she's sad he died, but she lost a daughter and a husband. Her grief is focused elsewhere. Remus is actually mentioned in passing saying that one day Teddy will mourn for his parents.

Thanks again for the review. :D

Undying Memories by jecleaver2

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 4 Reviews
Summary: Xenophilius looks at the woman he loves and dreams of the future. What will that future hold for him and his dreams. . .
Reviewer: Tim the Enchanter Signed
Date: 10/12/09 Title: Chapter 1: Undying Memories

Hello, James. Is this really your only story? I thought you had written more, being de facto leader of the men of Ravenclaw house, on the forums.

Anyway, on to reviewing this story!

The first thought that went through my head upon seeing the name ‘Luna Sol’ was that Xenophilius was commenting on his daughter Luna, with ‘Sol’ being her middle name. Of course, it became apparent that this Luna was Luna’s mother, and Sol is an interesting choice for a surname. Though her astronomical name does give her a sort of spacey feeling, her name of the moon and sun also made me think that her personality should be one of opposites. For a moment, I briefly entertained the thought that she was bipolar…

But enough with name analysis! The Dementor attack was an interesting way to introduce flashbacks of Xenophilius’ and Luna’s early relationship, in order to have the proper arsenal of happy memories to conjure a Patronus. However, having a bunch of Dementors descend upon their wedding seemed to be rather random. I understand this was probably during the first Voldemort war, but I had to remind myself of that fact when I was trying to figure out what Dementors were doing at their wedding. Also concerning the Dementors, it is implied that they just don’t run amok and go where they’re ordered to, which suggests that the Dementors were deliberately sent to interrupt Xenophilius’ wedding. From what we’ve seen in Deathly Hallows, the Death Eaters thought Xenophilius as something of a fool and easy to push around (which he was), and not a serious threat.

I think ‘Xenny’ is an odd choice for a diminutive of Xenophilius. Personally, I would have gone with ‘Xeno’, but Xenny is quite odd. But I suppose that is appropriate, considering that Luna as you portrayed her is quite an odd woman to begin with.

The memories were rather short and choppy, and could have been more developed, I think. Their professions of love seem very spontaneous and just jump at you without much buildup. On the other hand, the Lovegoods are pretty weird people, so I suppose that could just be normal behaviour for them.

I like the idea of a platypus being Xenophilius’ Patronus. However, I don’t think a Hippogriff Patronus really works for a Luna-ish character like Luna Sol. The Hippogriff is a rather serious, proud creature, and I would have picked something odder or more playful. Maybe a hummingbird or something like that.

The ending was good. I’d think Xenophilius would just go on with the wedding as if nothing had happened. However, about the pastor, religion is pretty much completely absent in the Harry Potter books, and even Fleur and Bill’s wedding is simply presided by a “tufty-haired wizard.”

But I nitpick. Overall, this was a nice little story, offering an interesting look into a seldom seen character, and his wife that we know nothing about. I think this story could have been longer, but considering that it primarily concerned a single incident, the length was adequate enough. Do you intend to write any more fanfics? I can see that Xenophilius and Luna Sol is a pairing you might enjoy pursuing further.

~ Tim the Enchanter

The Dark Lord Acne Syndrome! by Vittoria

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 5 Reviews
Summary: Voldemort has a problem worse than Harry Potter. Acne! Severus Snape, Peter Pettigrew, and Harry Potter are involved in concocting the cure, but would it succeed?
Reviewer: Tim the Enchanter Signed
Date: 04/17/09 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Oh dear, only one review? I shall remedy that!

Anyway, this is brilliant, Vittoria. I love the opening – everything is dark, evil, foreboding; and what unfortunate soul will suffer the Dark Lord’s wrath?

Mr Acne.

I love the humour in this story – it delivers with full force, and doesn’t get bogged down in too many details about the actual potion for your Alchemy NEWT class. Also, I might add that the image of tennis-ball sized pustules on Voldemort’s skin has been burned into the inside of my cranium…

Anyway, Happy Easter!

Tim the Enchanter

Author's Response: Thanks for the review Tim. The only reason the fic is not filled with Alchemy is that, well, I'm no great shakes at it and didn't want to deliver a disaster. I'm glad you enjoyed the humour. I'm so sorry that the image of Voldemort will be forever tainted in your mind. Yet, it helped in my twisted ending. Happy Easter to you too!

Snape Didn't Die by OliveOil_Med

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 26 Reviews
Winner of the First-Annual Ravenclaw Quicksliver Quill Award for Best Humor, Wittiest Writing!

Snape didn't die, he simply joined the Witness Relocation Program. A funny slogan for an avatar, but what if some crazed author somewhere decided to write the story behind it?

On the run from all those who would want to see his head on a platter, Severus Snape is put through a series of tests. But between scantily-clad Ministry agents, seeing-eye elves, and an all-witch school and all the drama that goes along with it, he is beginning to wonder how much worse the alternative would really be.

Happy Birthday, Chante'!

Reviewer: Tim the Enchanter Signed
Date: 10/02/10 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1 The Best Laid Plans

Snape is hilariously in-character here. It seems just like him to scare off students who are unaware of his reputation. I am intrigued to see what repercussions Mr Richard Cameron faces.

On to earlier chapters, I love Snape's cover story for his scar. Snape fighting in the Vietnam War is a very funny image. The mental image that immediately cropped up after reading that line was Alan Rickman in Robert Duvall's role as Lt. Colonel Kilgore in Apocalypse Now, saying "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."

“NO!” the older boy answered a little bit louder than was probably necessary. “You’re just going to feed them to the pigeons so you can watch them explode again!”

I spy Nate and his older brother. Nice little cameo you have there.

I like your description of Salem Witches Institute. As you know, I enjoy reading fanfics set in locations apart from Britain, and I am interested in seeing how the school evolves over the course of the story.

But back to the present, I wonder what will happen to Severus now... personally, I'm hoping he doesn't change his teaching style one bit.

~ Tim the Enchanter

Author's Response: Well, Chante' has been nagging me, and I promise that I am working my hardest on the next chapter. Snape is fighting me every step of the way, though.

In The Midst of Nothingness by wilfen07

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 10 Reviews

It has been six years since the final war against Voldemort. Harry has now joined the Ministry of Magic as an Alpha, an elite class of Ministry employees who work to thwart the traces of the Dark Arts that Voldemort and his followers may have left behind.


In general, Harry now has everything that an adult wizard can hope for – a great job at the Ministry, power, influence, and a most affluent lifestyle. However, all is not well.


Everything has changed since the war. Ron is now in Egypt, working with Bill, and Hermione is no longer in touch with Harry or Ron. How has the inseparable trio finally been separated?



Thanks to all my betas, bling_baby, Bookofsecrets & Colores for helping me put up my first chapter. Mostly to the last two who were patient enough to put up with all my eccentricities.



This is my very first fic on the archives. So please guys, I can use some descriptive reviews. XD

Reviewer: Tim the Enchanter Signed
Date: 04/17/09 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1- The Shadows of the Dead

Hello, Wilfen,

I’ve never actually read a Harmony fic before, so this is the first time reading about this pairing. Anyway, this was a very good beginning – it gives just enough details to get me hooked, and it makes me want to find out the answers to the big gaping holes. There are many questions I want to know the answer to, like who are the people “who willingly gave up their lives for him,” and what makes Harry prefer Hermione over Ginny like in canon?

Anyway, excellent job on your very first fanfic, and Happy Easter!

Tim the Enchanter