A Gryffindor in the MNFF forum. I'm coming back from a long hiatus from fan fiction writing - I'm slowly but surely getting my writing fingers back into shape.
I like it. A epic narrative about Hogwarts from past to present. Sadly it’s true that houses divide people. I like the ending about the hat’s job being done. It’s unique.
Love the fact that you did not find the need to capitalize end start of a new line. (Most poets do that) – your choosing not to do so gives it a more narrative feel.
Good poem. A style uniquely your own. :)
Author's Response: Oh. I suppose I have to allow your innocence on the Hamsterpants line then, now? Urgh. I'm glad you liked the poem; I find HP poetry much--harder is the wrong word, but I'm sure you get it--harder to write than poetry off the top of my head for the simple reason that, instead of writing off your own emotions, you're writing off of someone else's. And a fictional character at that. I generally don't capitalize at the beginning of sentences because when I wrote, I usually am narrating. [My free verse poetry would make my teachers cringe ;)]
It's long and beautiful ... you've capture the eerie dark suspense that is typical of Edgar Allan Poe.
I could read it straight and not notice the rhyme -- I know it's there as I read it but if flows so naturally that it fell like a narrative. I hope you do get What I mean.
Definitely my favourate poem in the whole of MNFF section ^_^
Author's Response: Wow, favourite poem, thank you very much, it means a lot coming froma distinguished rhymer such as yourself. I know what you mean about how it can read like a narrative, I spent a considerable amount of time trying to do justice to Poe's rhyme and rhythm and I'm glad you thought it worked well.
Beautiful and sad at the same time ... I like the repeatetion you used on 'I though we'd be ______ together'
Although I'm not really sure what you meant by: Six for knowing at last.
This could be for the rhyme scheme. ... maybe 'a truce that can't last' or 'a love that could never last' instead?
The fact that Hermione loves arithmancy and numbers ... this poeem fits her all the more. Wonderful piece!
Author's Response: Thanks for the lovely review. Glad you liked it.
As for the 'knowing at last' part, it was a way of saying they both realized how they felt for each other eventually but still having trouble acting on it. I really love your suggestion. Maybe I'll use them in another poem ;-)
I can see why this won. It feels like someone's telling you a story yet you're surprise that it's a poem and it rhymes.
Just a few suggestions:
“It’s here!” they cried(.), “(T)that we shall build
The lake(;), the forest(;), the tower(;), your dorm!
“My lord!” they cry. “We will obey!”
Maybe italicise 'My lord" and "We will obey!"
*grin* okay enough with my nit-pickyness. I truly love how you started off with the founding of Hogwarts, then have the second part talk about Voldemort, and the final part talk about unity. Everything flows well. Great job Anna!
Author's Response: Thanks Nutty! I don't usually write poetry, so I was very surprised that it won! Thanks for the suggestions!
May I start off with a few suggestions to help improve this really great story ^_^
As to how you found this diary I have no idea, as I’ve decided to toss the ruddy thing as soon as I become famous for fear that this incriminates me in any fashion. (I think this sentence would need a comma – it’s too long to go about without a pause)
Draught of Tranquility (This one ought to be italicised as all spells and potions in HP are usually italicised same goes for Draught of Patience)
so I was out of the Eucalytus leaf we needed. (I think you meant Eucalyptus ^_^ that is unless of course you deliberately mis-spelled it to emphasise the Pug’s ignorance in the matter)
You’ve done excellently on the character of Pug. He has such a distinctive voice, his innocent and troublesome personality shone all throughout this fic.
I have to say I love how he innocently under-played all his contributions to those chaotic results of his actions.
Funny story. I'm glad to hear that you'll be continuing this.
Ron and Hermione are dating, well kind of anyway. With Valentine's Day upon them what will happen? Will they take the next step or will everything fall to pieces around them?
Winner of the Valentine's Day Challenge 'Love Is ...'
A gorgeous bouquet of red roses had been waiting on her desk. ~I'm not sure if the British practiced this as well: 'white' roses are what's usually used for apology. Red is to convey love/passion - well not all guys know this, though florists usually does... and I expect Ginny to know this little thing as well.
They neared her door when Ron suddenly asked, ~ typo ^_^
Ron looked shell-shocked, ~ nothing really wrong, but I would suggest 'stood' instead because it conveys a better image
The only shadow on their blossoming relationship was cast by the fact ~casted
All nitpicking aside, I just have to say that I especially love that transition from Hermione's thoughts to that awful tapping sound. Fitting that it was caused by Pig
Your characterization for both Ron and Hermione was head-on. The was Hermione would be consciencious of her work, the way she'd analyse things. The way Ron would stutter at times and go over-enthusuastic about Quidditch.
The best part of the story is that you show the slow blossoming of their relationship and the little details like how Ginny pushed Ron, How both Ron and Hermione was unsure in taking this forward, it make it all the more real and sweet somehow. You show us how the relationship started and how is slowly got deeper. It's not instantaneous and the transition was smooth - it's no wonder this piece won :)
I didn't even know that white roses were used for apologies, so thanks for pointing that out. Over here white is used as a symbol of friendship and read would be love, but the apology thing works even better.^^
I had loads of fun writing this, especially Hermione getting all flustered and expecting the worst before getting Ron's letter was fun. I'm glad you think I managed to keep them IC, Ron's little speech at the end gave me some trouble, but my beta and I managed to fix it.^^
I like the way you separated the scenes. Those sayings adds on to the melancholic feel of this piece.
Hermione being the Head of Department for the Welfare and Protection of Magical Creatures. A small note... you ought to capitalize is like so... names of governmental units are usually capitalised
Great story. Unique plot and presentation. :)
Author's Response: Thankyou soo much :) My first review!! I'll take a look at the capitalization, thanx for your review!
Soon I can escape this dreadful heat for the cool shade of an office and the delightful task of finding those rogue joodo-wallahs. (Think you have a slight typo here ... you may mean jadoo-wallahs.)
Actually, I have no idea about the Sepoy rebellion or those Indian terminologies, yet I was able to understand what you meant. This truly shows that you managed to convey you ideas well.
The way your character kept repeating phrases about the heat emphasizes that it's blaxingly hot there. You got the political mindset head on, but I would have wanted to see more of the exotic settings of India - the sights, sounds, and activities. I got a good feel of your character the events and the beliefs of that time the problem is that I have a hard time picturing the setting.
You've really done your research! In this monologue, you also don't often start your sentence with an 'I' which really does help to a better flow when I read this. :) Congratulations on being a finalist. Truly well deserved. ^_^
Author's Response: Thanks! I\'m sorry I didn\'t go into the setting more, I really wanted to focus more on the thoughts of the people than the physical around them. I will go back and see what I can do. Thanks again for your congratualations and I appreciate the review!
First of all, congratulations for placing 2nd on the monologue challenge. This is a good story ... I do hope to help improve it a little.
Although for many years we have been all too well aware of the distrust the common people place in us, (just a slight typo)
us, our kinfolks, and indeed our very livelihoods, (I think it ought to be pluralized just to follow the same pattern as the phrases that preceded and followed it )
I like how your character justified his belief. I could actually feel his strong resolve and sincerity in that speech he gave. It's nice to see the root of all those prejudice - that their hatred has strong roots. So your title extremely fitting :)
One Suggestion I'd like to give is for you to cut short / divide your paragraphs. Although grammatically speaking there's nothing wrong. The MNFF window / reading section is a bit on the narrow side - long paragraphs are not easy to read. This is of course only for readability purpose.
You managed to transmit Thomas's child-like innocence so well your writing. His child-like confusion and fear at the dragon's arrival.
I think you'd need to elaborate on this line though: "an escaped dragon lands on your house, a curse is brought upon your family for generations to come" -- what sort of curse? - a little bit of detail would had been great ^_^
Did you like my description? I hope so! I plan on being a poet one day. (maybe 'writer' will be a better term than 'poet', since he uses prose over rhymes. ^_^)
It took him several hours to recover, while Mum Apparated to the King to inform him of the dragon. (Spells are usually italicised and I think you need a comma here as well)
Will’s Dad had to keep casting spells on it to stop the Muggles from noticing and several neighbours got really scared. (a missing word)
Great characterization on Thomas and a light and amusing plotline.
*lol* you know I just realised that I truly have no idea on the art of monologue writing *lol* I actually thought that you can’t include dialogues and only have one speak all throughout.
Nit-picky beta mode first – All because I want to help improve this excellent story albeit slightly…
I’d seen him around on numerous occasions…Brutus, I believe his name is. (I think you switched a tense here. I would suggest that ‘is’ be replaced with ‘was’)
I planned to build a farmhouse on the land and sell vegetables and fruits I grow for a small profit. (missing ‘s’)
Why do you allow Caesar to rule the senate like a king? (I think Senate ought to be capitalised for it is referred to as a proper noun here)
I don’t remember what I said that day, but I felt that one word would lead to big things. (there’s a missing word – I think you meant remember)
It appears the name of the Black prince is enough to strike fear into the hearts(’) of enemies. (I don’t think you need an apostrophe there)
Now onwards about the story.
You really managed to capture the feel of Ancient Rome here extremely well – the politics and the culture. Those little Roman terms like ‘imperator’ help add to Romanesque feel to this. You’ve added the bit of HP-ism by showing up the Cruciatus Curse without blatantly telling us readers the curse used – brilliant! I like that. This story rightfully deserved that win. ^_^
The story flowed smoothly despite the large gap of time in between. On your character Marcus Agrippa what is highly distinguishable of him is his loyalty – strange thought it is – I see him as a Puff ^_^ (okay I’m just strange but back on topic…)
Another thing that struck me that although this is a monologue you didn’t start off the paragraph with an ‘I’ often – that truly helped to make us readers feels as if we’re the character and not listening to a narration. Great Job, James. ^_^
At last! A SPEW story with no SPEW review!
To venture upon a fic with no familiar character is no easy task and it's hard to get people to notice it. However, it's somehow more fulfilling because you get to explore and develop everyone from scratch.
A tinsey-winsey suggestion. Given that your characters are Bulgarian, can't you have them speak with a Bulgarian accent? It adds to the feel of the fic. Although I do understand why you chose to forego this the use of normal spelling does make an easier read.
Also I thought Durmstrang does not accept anyone who is not pure of blood. (yes I'm being nit-picky - few months of betaing could do that)
Andon Krum looked despairingly at his Transformation homework, (You repeatedly used Transformation, I think you meant Transfiguration )
My own studies have shown that these Muggleborns have much less magic than we do. (Canon spelling correction: it's Muggle-born)
Now before I annoy you to the point that you'll throw me to those virtual sharks in the forum. I'll get on to the more important points. I like your characterizations the exchange between the two brothers - the snitching and threats exchanged... so brotherly *snicker*.
I'd also like to say that you've written a great ending to this chapter.
Author's Response: Mariya's family is rich. That's all I have to say about the fact that she's a Muggle-born. Actually ... I dunno. But she's Bulgarian, it would be too cruel to ship her off somewhere just because she's not a pureblood.
Durmstrang is a different school from Hogwarts, so it has different classes -- in my other Krum story I should address that eventually. Transformation is the Durmstrang Transfiguration. They have something like a Survey of the Dark Arts and their Defense or something like that instead of DADA. Okay, now I'm just babbling.
Thanks for the review. I didn't think this story would ever get reviewed, and I was okay with that ... it's just for fun, after all. Glad you liked the chapter ending. Wonder what I wrote ... thanks again! Have a nice day! *D*
You have a way with titles. This one just attracted my attention as well. You know the story will be a confession of some sort but not in an entirely dark and heavy sort of way.
The description you've made was poetic in a way and Lily's confession showed her utmost feeling of love and you even managed to show her inner strength. The story of James and Lily's romance truly pulled my heart and in the end - it's bittersweet for we all know how it'll end.
I always find it difficult to write a straight-out narration - you made it seem so easy and moreover everything flows well -- the events doesn't seem to switch abruptly. Lovely piece of writing Delaney :)
Author's Response: Thank you so much, Miel! I really worked hard to make the narration work in this one, and I\'m so glad it actually did. *hugs*
Slight typo on the last paragraph: Ginny sighed and closed her eyes.
First of all the title is what attracted me. It has a degree of mystique and slight darkness to it that's hard to resist, and the way you began this story kept up with my expectation.
Ginny's open confession to Gemma is a surprise though, I wouldn't think anyone would be so open to a stranger especially a reporter, then again after what's she's been through, she's likely want to have someone to talk to. You conveyed Ginny's feeling extremely well - showed that she was very much a victim of all this. That line “I can’t miss his comfort,”she went on, her eyes leaking tears of exhaustion and grief as her words became hoarse. “I won’t. He doesn’t deserve that.” She blinked slowly, and the tears trickled down to the pillow underneath her head. -- This somehow showed in so few words the conflicts and struggle of a victim.
Ending the story with Ginny's tears and the rain somehow rounds everything out well. Makes it all the more dramatic and beautiful.
Author's Response: Thank you for the review, dear SPEW buddy!
Nit-pick first ^_^
A slight correction, it's House-elf or House-elves.
he was referring to Ronald Weasley, who works for S.P.E.W.
I don't think it should be 'works for' - maybe 'a founding member of S.P.E.W.' instead?
These are a lot of ambitions for such a young whitch - slight typo. It's witch.
That's the end of my nit-picking ^_^
You have a great imagination to have come up with such details about the history of certain wizarding practices with the elves.
This is a well written and extremely informative journalistic piece. It gives us all the details and connects the past history to the present well.
Author's Response: Well, I am happy you liked it. I will fix those typos when I get a chance. I like to think that I have a good imagination, and I am happy you agree. Thanks a ton! Avenger
That scene with Ron stepping on Hermione's toes had me snickering - typical of Ron *lol*
They in turn, had pretended he wasn’t there at all. ~I just feel that the comma would give it more emphasis
The whole place (had been) was a mess, more so than usual
Before his arrival, Harry had dreaded seeing Ginny again
he was used to Luna’s weird theories by now, but that didn’t mean he knew how to react to them any better than the first time.
As always you set up a Succinct but detailed atmosphere in your story, I think that's one of your strengths as a writer. I can imagine the scene but leave plenty for me to imagine on my own.
As a romance fic this is different for it's not mushy yet believable. You left the ending open so to implicate a start/beginning. In a way you title is fitting because you emphasized the freindship in this story. The possibility of anything beyond that is left to the mind of your reader. :)
Thanks for pointing those mistakes out, I'll see about fixing them as soon as possible. I'm no good where punctuation is concerned, I don't even know the rules for it, so I never would have caught them without you^^
I'm thinking about writing a sequel of sorts to this, or just continuing it, but I'm not sure because I don't want to write a book seven fic and that is what would have to follow this scene. We'll see maybe I'll just pick up after the war and write some real Harry/Luna romance
The beginning of this poem gives a powerful imagery. You've certainly hook your reader immediately with that start. A suggestiong though
'Just silently waiting' I would suggest you take off the word "Just". Stating only 'Silently waiting' would give a more 'active' feel to the line.
This is another small suggestion that you can ignore if you want:
I could tell from his face...
instead maybe say: "Weary that old and gentle face..." the reason for this is that it gives a better imagery and would flow better with the next line. (at least I think so)
Maybe what Periwinkle meant is this line sounded somewhat forced: I know it, don’t protest!.
How about changing it to: "I tried to scream my protest.
Oh and switching tense here: joining in the fray. The rest of the poem was in past tense so i ought to be "joined".
All nit-picking aside. This is a wonderfully written piece. There's imagery and you effectively told a story. The 7th quatrain seemed a bit too long, but this sort of style doesn't really concentrate on the meter, the rhythm comes for the rhymes and your poem rhymes well.
This is obviouslt written in Shakespearean sonnet style ^_^. I would suggest that the quatrains to separated and the last couplet too.
If we're going to be strict on the meter the 3rd, 4th, 7th (althought this one is easily fixed by shreading off the word: 'indeed') & 10th line is a bit off by a syllable or two. However, this matters little for the message here is more important.
You've certainly captured Fudge's essence. The bumbling Minister who likes hanging with the rich and famous, mismanaged the Ministry and in the end, he had nothing to show of it. His time as Minister held no great achievement.
As always, love you work, Vader!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review, tni. I\'m really no master of sonnets. In fact, I think I rather stink at them. But, every so often, just for a change of pace, it isn\'t such a bad idea to give something else a try. I thought it was a semi-decent idea for the poem, though I found it somewhat restrictive. Hey, gave it a shot. Maybe not a bulls-eye, but I don\'t feel as though I missed the target completely. Thanks again.
First of all I'd like to applaud you for braving the realm of formal poetry and all it's strict format. Most people find using it constrictive and moreover you've decided to use Sestina. A style of whose rhythm is not in the meter but in the rearrangement of words.
Hope you don't mind my nit-pick of a start.
1st of all I would like to suggest that you not capitalise the beginning of each line. This is not needed and the use of small letters best show that you're coninuing the sentence from the previous line. Thus improve the flow.
She breathed the thick air, shaking, pools
The imagery here is somewhat confusing. May I suggest: She breathed the thick air, eyes a shaking pool or She breathed the thick air, shaking(,) pools
I'd also like to suggest to not switch between clear and clarity. Although they mean the same, it just sounds better if you stick to clear. So I suggest: Enveloped in loneliness, her mind muddled and not clear.
She closed her eyes, rose to her feet, stood(,); a waterfall
Just so we know the sentence ended and a new idea/image starts
No one, no one could explain, no one could clarify
Again I'd like to suggest to not inter-change clarity and clear. I suggest: No one, no one could explain, no one could make clear
On the tercet. I think the pattern ought to be 2,5; 4,3; and 6;a. So I suggest:
She watched the pool as it rained
Acceptance, eased her soul’s pounding; her past finally made clear.
Around her, her waterfall of sadness slowing to a gentle drip
This has a nice flow to it. I think the thing that disturbs it is the confusion the constant capitalisation made. What I like is that the feeling of a girl mourning, her regret was clearly depicted. And it can be made applicable to any character.
This form of poetry restricts your word choice but it doesn't feel constricted at all. Amazing job Delaney! Love the last two lines of your tercet. It gives a nice closure to this - there was still regret but also acceptance. ^_^
Author's Response: Aaah! *endless huggles* Thank you! I\'d never even considered leaving out the capitalization at the beginning of the lines that are continuing sentences, but you\'re endlessly right about those--the flow is so much more clear now! I\'ve done some research, and the form for the last stanza is: 5,1; 6,2; 3,4. Thank, you, though, for the amazing alternate tercet! *more huggles* and squees for wonderful reviews.
Some slight corrections: I don’t really understand that muggle technical speak…” Muggle is spelled with a capital "M".
This gave an amusing history on how the 'Flying Ford Anglia' came to be. The use of that nickname 'Mollywobbles' is incredibly funny. Great example of wrodplays wherein the use of the word itself is funny.
Your characterizations are good and I can imagine Arthur truly snecking off to try out his beloved contraption and Molly reprimanding him for it.
Since my point of being here is suggest improvement on your humour: To improve the comedic turns on this, maybe you can add a few funny scenes. Easiest would be some visual humour whilst Arthur was flying about: an incident with a blimp? Ducks following him thus he needed to flip 'on' the invisibility switch? A near collision with a plane? basically any wacky events you an think of. :)
Great Story Maia, love your plotline.
Author's Response: Thank you very much! I will consider adding more visual humour, etc, but for now I\'ll probably leave it as is, as I have so many other things to write, plus exams at school. Thanks for taking the time to read and review this, I am ever so grateful!