A Gryffindor in the MNFF forum. I'm coming back from a long hiatus from fan fiction writing - I'm slowly but surely getting my writing fingers back into shape.
Wonders why this only has 1 review ...
Although Harry lived a sad life, I always did felt that Neville is the more tragic figure and all the more heroic for it. You showed it perfectly with this series of snippets. I think I've come across a couple or three of these drabbles from 3 broomsticks ^_^, you've connected them all perfectly.
I especially love the 3rd piece with McGonagall in it; the pain he felt on Hermione's unexpected betrayal and the comfort that (the otherwise stern) Minerva McGonagall offered. I find that the unexpected gesture to be extremely touching as well as fitting.
The plight of his parent is one of the main reason why I find him a more tragic figure than Harry. Having his parents in that certain state is a more painful and constant remainder of what he cannot have. Worse for Neville is the fact that he did not enjoy the supportive friends that Harry has. Thus its fitting that he'll appreciate those small gestures more (like those given by his professors - especially Sprout).
Your depiction of his grandmother is different from how most others see her. But I believe yours is more realistic. I believe that the woman (although stern) only wants her grandson to excel. She'd appreciate bravery on his part. She would seem the stiff upper lip sort of woman, one who doesn't show affection, but that doesn't mean that it isn't there. Also she seems to push him so much because she wants him to be string and in this scene you showed ... Neville found his strength and was determined to do his part. The sort of thing Frank and Alice Longbottom did ... a sacrifice that Mrs Longbottom prided them for...
Although I do wish there would be itsy-bitsy parts on the events of OOTP and HBP's for I believe there are defining moments for Neville in those books as well. (e.g. being part of Dumbledore's army; the Ministry; the attack of the Death Eaters...)
All throughout you've consistently shown Neville bravery and nobility in each snippets and much more his humility. Excellent Neville fic.
Author's Response: Thanks so much for taking the time to review, nutty. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond, especially when you've been so kind! I did indeed post several of these over in the Three Broomsticks, which is why I'm missing some key scenes; Seren's prompts really inspired me while they lasted, but.... Well, now that the mods are starting to post more drabble prompts, maybe the bunnies will return. Thanks again for your kind comments!
I like how you described the setting and their situation. This is an intriguing start.
I like the dark atmosphere you managed to weave here, especially the way you described Ron’s suffering / torture, and how the thoughts of his friends are all that kept him together.
This story has such a tragic ending but somehow it’s not too sad for we know that Ron did triumph in the end … at least in a way –
Now am not really that nit-picky (at least I don’t think I am but there’s just a few tinselly bit that wish to point out. This is an excellent fic, but .. okay .. I admit I am a bit nit picky so…below are just some suggestion for correction: ^_^
It had taken him nearly seven, long, angst filled(,) years
It had taken him only mere months to discover, just how deeply he loved her
He wasn’t going to die, shouting out a betrayal. (and) (h)He wasn’t going to die screaming in pain.
Placing this on a new sentence will give it more emphasis.
You managed to show in this short story of yours the strength and loyalty of Ron. Most fan fics dismiss him as the mere sidekick, for he paled in comparison to Harry and Hermione. You made him shine and greatly so – without making him OOC in any way.
I love this line: He died the brave person he had always wanted to be. For this short phrase reflects Ron so well. He always was brave, (we all know that) but he tends to dismiss himself as secondary .. I mean everyone seems to knows that better than he himself. He has always been outshone… always surrounded by brighter stars – his brothers and even his friends. (Although they never see him as less, it must have always been at the back of his mind.) He wants to be equally grea,t and in this tragic end he was.
Great fic WinkeeJR. Sad and tragic so I can’t say it’s fun, but I did enjoyed reading this. :)
Author's Response: What else can I say but, Thank You!
I like the air of fear and panic you’ve brought here. How Lavender was depicted, the way she was confused and hurting; the way she illogically blames herself for what happened to his best friend. Those lines line: “Hell shattered the gates of Earth.”; “There was no battle. Only murder” ; etc. helps to give the feel of an outside narration as the events happen. Like always great job, Patrick.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked it! *is speechless*
You know I've always thought Andromeda was sorted in another house other than Slytherin ... recently I realised it's more of a fanon than canon. I don't think it was ever said that she was, most fan fictions just sort her in Ravenclaw, funny isn't it?
Nit picky things: (1) on the last paragraph there's a slight spacing error and (2) common room should not be capitalize ^_^ I know this for a fact because that's on of my errors in the PI test *grin*
Andromeda Black ... we know so little about her except that she was Sirius's favourate cousin and was blasted off the family tree for marrying a Muggle-born. I like your interpretation of her of being the timid one who hid her beliefs from her family well.
You have a great way of describing the atmosphere and shifting scenes from present to past and present again. It moved about smoothly as well. The ending you left open ended and I'm starting to time this is your writing style - given your other one shot :) *lol* for this and your Harry/Luna I had thought that there was a next chapter. But this sort of ending does give your reader an open berth to decide - what goes next. :) Wonderful piece Ilka and wonderful job on a character that we know so little about. The best thing about this is that you didn't succumb to the cliche idea of Andromeda, your interpretation is different yet believable.
Author's Response: I'll go fix those mistakes, thanks for pointing them out. I never really plan on leaving an open ending, it just seems fitting most of the time, I guess. Now that you#ve pointed it out, I can see that there's a definite trend towards them in my stories, they aren't planned though.^^
I like the pace you've set here. The physical wounds does heal quicker than emotional ones, but those deep seated emotions can hinder one from wanting to be healed. You showed this perfectly.
Ron was hurt physically but the blow of Hermione's death was the one causing greater harm. I like how you showed Luna to slowly him him through this - and this was gradually shown as well... I love how they've started off: How Ron and Luna slowly became a friends and latter develop to something else.
The characterization were superb especially that of Luna's. The way she state the truth when least expected and how she'd go off-tangent.
The scene of Hermione's death was also touching I really loved the fact that you did not demean or made less on Ron's bond with Hermione just because this is a Ron/Luna fic.
Finally the ending. At first I thought Ron was writing a diary that fact that it was a farewell letter to Hermione makes it all the more poignant. Great fic totally believable and feels canon as well. ^_^
A brief look of understanding was all that passed between the two women, but it was enough to convey the mutual agreement to forget any previous discrepancies.
He had a habit of staying up late to research or just to enjoy a good book, as did his dad. ~I just think 'father' would work better here because the Malfoys would be a more formal sort of family
Dark Lord’s wishes and(,) if she was to trust Severus’ letters ~I don't think the comma would be needed there ^_^
she craved, but(,) although she adored her sister ~I don't think the comma is needed there and I suggest that you use 'though' in place of 'although' - no real reason, but I think it sounds better that way
Narcissa had tried to accept it and move on, but the doubts
leave for Hogwarts again; Bella arrived looking haggard but exceedingly pleased.
Narcissa half-shrugged, ~ this is me being nit-picky again... I always pictured Narcissa as too classy to just shrug ... maybe a mor feminine gesture like bowing her head or closing her eyes?
I think I ought to stop the nit-pick and concentrate on the more important things. There are lots of things that I like in this story. First is the sisterly relationship between Bella and Narcissa. Most people don't show this side of Bellatrix, but the fact that she accompanied Narcissa in Spinner's End ought to show that she does care for her sister. You showed this well in this story of yours.
Another thing I liked is the relationship between Narcissa and Lucius Malfoy those details of the nickname and how she depends on him to give him strength and even compared Draco's actions to Lucius's own. Its showed great Malfoy Family dynamics.
The ending where she firmly believed that this will be better. It sets such a nice contrast: Despite all the dark acts/politics in the family, Narcissa clings on to the light and though she thinks herself weak, she actually provide light to both Draco and Lucius. Brilliant ending and story :)
Author's Response: I never believed that Lucius was an abusive father or husband and from what we see of Narcissa in HBP, I think that she loves both her husband and her son very much. I enjoyed showing this slightly different side to a dark family, although I was afraid that they sounded a bit too loving at times. I don't know why but I have a really soft spot for the Blacks and the Malfoys and I can't stand them being portrayed as completely evil without any love or compassion, not even towards each other.
This story may someday be lengthened; for now, it stands as is.
I like how this story is starting. How you kept in with the canon events despite this being an AU. Showed what might have taken place before the events in OOTP
In this chapter you managed to convey Remus's quiet demeanor. I especially like his silent observations about Hermione. Her personality, strenght, loyalty, etc. It's the hint of musing of a teacher/guardian who's seeing his students grow up, but imbedded within is the possibility for more.
It's also great that you still showed us the personalities and quirks of other characters though they'll only play a minor role. Hermione's parent's reluctance despite having been birfed by Dumbledore is very realistic. They allowed their daughter to go to Hogwarts thus maybe they're more accepting of magic but, coming from a different world ... their doubts are expected.
Oh you've got a missing word: Barely a week after Grimmauld Place had been in use, most of the Weasley clan was set up in the ancestral Black home.
That aside, I have to say that's a good ending 'her laughter, quiet though it was, was a glimmer of light in the gloom of the house.' It gives the hint about Hermione's light touching him.
I have to say it's rare to find a Remus/Hermione fic that does not involve a timeturner and you're off with a good start with this story. Welcome to SPEW!
Author's Response: Yay! Thank you! (I'll add that missing word right away.) I didn't want to use a TimeTurner because it felt like cheating, somehow. Time travel gets messy -- how do would she explain her presence, she can't stay, it's just harder. And it felt like an interesting challenge to try and write a May-December romance (for some reason, Remus/Tonks doesn't feel so much like that to me). Thanks for your comment!
I am the silly rhymer,
One of the Jury member.
This is a unique style and concept I like how you justapose the Black's idea of purity to the purity on one's soul.
Onwards to the suggestions and criticisms ... Don't worry it's not much :)
“That’s right,” I replied, as we walked on a bit further,
“They ignored me, I ran, and then I was accused for murder.
For he next line, The second line just doesn't seem to fit well with the flow:
Although it does rhyme, it just doesn't seem to go with the action. The previous lines talks of Sirius's death and this seemed to jump out of nowhere ... I's suggest: And so, from the other realm I passed away. Of course this is only a suggestion. You may choose to ignore it or find other ways for this. :)
In this type of poem the rhyme and message is more important that rhythm and you did this extremely well. You summarized Sirius's life and showed that although he is a Black, he was not like his family. For him, 'Toujours Pur' still applies, but has a different meaning altogether. It was quick for me to discern who's talking and you don't even have to tell who the conversationalists are. I really enjoyed this one.
Finally got around to reviewing. Am soo late too.
You've got the rhythm and message here going so well - it's even 'singable' (is that a word?) and has that 'Christmassy' feel (okay I;m inventing a second word).
Those words like, pensieve, cockroach clusters, lemon drops, phoenix, socks, and bowling pins just screams Dumbledore. A really fun song for the Holidays. Good luck for the Challenge. ^_^
This a sweet endearing piece about Lily and James. I also love that you placed plenty of comic relief. Great depiction of Sirius as well, I can truly imagine him being that way *L*
Hope you don't mind a bit of suggestions though:
Lily nodded understandingly. “What’d ya find?”
somehow it doesn't sound like Lily. Too ... uhm modern... American? I'd think Lily would sound a bit more refine...I would suggest to use: "What did you find?" instead.
All that aside, I really like your story. It's funny and sweet. A great combination to endear this story to me. Keep Writing!
Author's Response: You're right, good suggestion. I'll change that... Glad you enjoyed this story. Thanx for the review! :)
Hey CA! Am finally here!
Seamus and Lavender ... looks like you've decided to go for rare pairing and this does work.
Although the events are clear. I feel that the emotions are lacking especially on the part of Neville's sacrifice. Maybe you intended it that way ... how so many deaths had occurred that one grows numb after a while. Thus my only suggestion is that it ought to be stated somewhat. How despite his age Seamus was pretty jaded mow due to all the death and destruction on the war. It does make a nice contrast to Lavender's state.
It's an entirely sweet piece on how two people found one another in the midst of all the dark happenings around them. I like the imagery how both found pin points of light from one another in that dark backdrop. ^_^
Good Luck on this Entry and Belated Happy New Year! ^_^
Author's Response: Wow . . . I never thought of that . . . I'm afraid Neville's sacrifice, while a poignant end, was just a way to get Seamus alone in his dorm *dies of shame* Thanks for the review; I know it's not my best work, and that makes me a little ashamed, but I'm glad you liked parts of it at least. Have a nice day! *D*
I like the sad atmosphere you started this off with :) Dark and entirely not Chrismassy --- OK it’s downright depressing. How you showed that simple things can lift up people spirit despite everything that went on. Start thing dark and end it sweet … I can learn a lot for you in terms of writing romance. The hesitation and the climax is done well despite the short length.
Author's Response: Are you trying to pass me off as another SPEW Review? :) :) Ha ha, Miel, I'm glad you seemed to like it better this time! Interesting that you think I can write good romance <.< I've never really thought I was that great . . . Well, anyway, thanks for your review! *D*
Author's Response: Oh. Okay, I get it now. It was just Gryffindor pride that prompted a new review. Well, thanks anyway.
Intriguing and funny!
An excellent twist having Lily be in love with Snape. Thank goodness it's only a twenty four hour potion.
You have a way with words, that line: "a worn set of school robes with several black hairs on them" - I can immediately tell its Snape without you needing to spell it out for me.
The characterizations are excellently done. The way Sirius keeps blaming Remus about brewing the potion, when he was who pressured him to doing it. *grin* that just fits
The Marauders should hurry up with that darn antidote *lol*
This is a very sweet piece with a touch of humour in it. The way they are cannot be with some people they love yet the fact that all four of them are together makes up for it.
I especially love Ron here ... his just comes to life in a way :) Great story!
Author's Response: Thanks, Nutty! I'm glad you mentioned Ron because I actually had some trouble with him in this story, so that means a lot.
Some slight corrections:Narcissa forced a smile. “I still suppose it concerns me as well though, as I am still apart of the wizarding society.” (I think there ought to be a space in 'a part')
This is definitely a new and deeper look to Narcissa. I really liked that internal struggle where she questions her family and her life slightly, but does not have the courage to act upon it. It truly feels like something she would have done. The best thing about it is that you didn't go overboard and made this extremely angsty.
I love Lucius' line: "You have only become a prisoner in your own mind." and he comes across as sweet but not too sweet - sweet yet formal thus making this all the more believable.
Happy Birthday Ashley!
Author's Response: Thank you very much for the lovely birthday present, I will go through and fix that.
^_^ Not exactly a free verse in my book. This poem has a certain rhythm to it. It certainly feels more like a song. I like this form of poetry, it's got rhythm and a strong message.
Now that I've finished nit-picking and babbling about the form ^_^ Right about time I move to the move important things: the substance and message.
I love this image you gave of a man lost - How he locked himself in. The choice of words like frozen, ice, dryness and cold conveys the cold facade and loneliness (lack of life) he held inside so well. Then it's fire, heat and melt to represent the woman (Maeve) who managed to melt this cold facade and give him new life.
Excellent poem Jan!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review, Miel! I say free verse to excuse any lapses in proper metre and rhyme. ;-) I'll look at that suggestion now. :-)
*blink* First I was puzzled and about to ask how the hell?!? Then silly me ... I saw the AU tag! This version of Remus, a man who embraced his animal persona. The imagery is amazing that I felt that I'm there. I especially love the battle scene, the way you described Remus's movements and actions showed this feral side so well.
A suggestion though
“Who . . . are you?” the prey – the wounded man – asked, his voice thin and weak.
The breaking off with - the wounded man- just breaks the flow of the story. I mean you've showed amazing imagery all through out except for this part, this technique does give emphasis, but I don't think you would need to emphasize that the man was wounded. You were earlier able to show just exactly what Remus did to him. I would suggest:
“Who . . . are you?” his voice thin and weak, Remus's wounded prey.
or something like that ... just without those breaks.
Great start! On the risk of sounding cliche -- I hope to see the update this ... it's been sitting around for a while ^_^
Author's Response: Thanks for the review :) On that last line... the interuption is Remus adjusting his thinking. It's just occured to Remus that this prey is actually a wounded MAN. I'm a slow updater, but the next chapter is written, so it'll be here soon.
I like that you make use of Ron's serious side. Most authors make him off as a majot goofball. (Well a funny goofball). The scene on Bill's wedding is sweet and I do feel like kicking Ron myself for being such a doofus *lol*
Brilliant. I never connected Zacharias with Hephzibah and it does make sense. Love the pase of this story. It gives plenty of details yet it's not in any way slow.