A Gryffindor in the MNFF forum. I'm coming back from a long hiatus from fan fiction writing - I'm slowly but surely getting my writing fingers back into shape.
Sorry I'm late :) - (story of my life)
You've effectively used the picture gag and reverse gag in this story. However I feel there's a slight problem in your using to much narrative. You're telling the story instead of showing it.
e.g. The next morning she woke up covered in goo that had the same strange green glow the ball had. She tried to wash it off, but it only got worse. Defeated, she went to her mother to ask for help. Her mother was astonished at the story Arilina told.
Describe the scene as Arilina woke up, the sticky feeling of the goo, the process of her trying to wash it off, tell how she just noticed the colour of the goo in the process. How she wailed to her mum for help... How you understand my point here.
Another advise I'd like to give is on writing of the Twins. Twin-talk is part of their characterization ... What I mean is something like this:
“We understand that money is hard to get for someone such as yourself -"
"So unfair how you can't buy things on your own."
Basically I would advise that you not make one twin monopolise the dialogue. Fred and George tend to share with one another everything - even dialogue time. *lol*
Arilina is quite convincing as a 7-year-old. If I were that age and have an older sister - I'd definitely pull a uncreative childish prank at her - 7-year-olds do not tend to pull elaborate ones afterall. Good family dynamic in your OC's as well - You just need to elaborate a bit more and describe their actions and thoughts more often.
Hope I was of some help and good luck on your next humour venture. If you need a beta to look into the Fred and George characterization. You know how to reach me. :)
Author's Response: Thanks! I\'ll look into those describing areas. I\'ll get to editing it eventually. I\'m on someone else\'s computer right now so...Next time when I write a Fred/George fic, you will hear from me. Thanks for the great advise!
I love the poem you started this off with, did you write that yourself? Gives the reader an idea on what to expect. I do suggest that you add a little author's note at the bottom to explain Sparklypoo or maybe even a link to a site that explains Sparklypoo - this is so newer readers who are unfamiliar with the term can understand this.
The parody of the famous HP fan fiction cliches Hermione suddenly turned into beauty queen cliche, unexplained and sudden ball, extremely angry and angsty Harry, the typical romantic scenes, etc. was made funnier by the way you exaggerated these. :)
Great use of the usual cliches and making it laughable. Hopefully seeing how laughable and funny these cliches are would make people think twice about seriously using it as their main plot line. Hope to see you continue on with this for there are plenty of materials to still make fun of. :)
Author's Response: Oh, thank you so much nutty! I did make up the beginning song myself. :) That\'s a good idea about leaving a link at the bottom, but I\'m not really sure where an explanation is... oh well. I will definitley continue with this, and I\'m glad you liked it! :)
Excellent characterization and you've set up the feel of this quite well. It's a light piece about Euan and I love the details you've given about his nervousness -- showing his thoughts and knowing his actions - this showed his bravery even more.
I do suggest the the last sentence be italicised because it's a direct thought. :)
Love how you used a little known character and developed him. Most people would have written about better known canon characters - Creating one is and centering the story around him is definitely hard and you managed it :)
Author's Response: Thanks nutty! I\'m glad you enjoyed it!
I always did found it difficult to do Hagrid's accent. You managed it extremely well. You also showed his love for animals and all those little Hagrid-ism in this story. I love that Fangs and Aragog was there. And his actions here clearly showed that he's a true Gryffindor.
Love your attention to details on that scene where Hagrid saves Kim and his farewell to Aragog.
On that detention ... I'm not sure about this but wasn't Hagrid expelled for keeping Aragog?
Author's Response: Thank you for such a lovely review! I am so glad that my portrayal of Hagrid comes across so well. As MbM suggested, I will write a sequel to the story that explains how the detention became expulsion. I have one more chapter of my fic to complete before I can undertake that plot bunny, but I will get to it shortly! :)
Chilling how twisted it could get when one tries to do what's right; especially if you can see the logic behind those decree.
In a way I would think Percy is more like Scimeour than Fudge... he's decisive, but overdoes things ... And the bad part is I can't hate him ...I sympathize with him. That part about Molly almost brought tears to my eyes ... how he remembered his mother's unconditional love and how he failed to make amends with the family and especially to Molly in the end, yet she continued to have faith in him.
What's alarming was the fact that he's not doing this for ambition or need to hold on to power ... but because he thought it was right ... so people won't suffer the way he did ... people won't lost family and their mums to death eaters.
Author's Response: Ah yes. That\'s what I was trying to show - the consequences of good deeds gone wrong.
Wow, you\'re the first person to sympathize with Percy! I tried to make him human, but even I couldn\'t do that very well without hating him myself. But yes, in a way, I feel sorry for him for his losses.
Thanks so much!
Hi Steph! missed me? *grin*
‘I took(s) it because I wanted to be different,’
~Unless of course, that was intentional...
I have to say this started of great. How she's taken with the diary and stating how it reflected her gave us a good idea of her personality immediately. You don't even have to read Malicious Intention to get an understanding of Halle. ^_^
Love the realism on how you portrayed children to be mean. You also made use of great metaphors about square pegs and round holes, but my favourite is: “Gryffindors are brave, yes, but that's not the only quality that possess. They possess great strength of heart, passion and thirst for success.", because plenty of times people just think of bravery and forget everything else... I mean Neville was a Gryffindor and he's not exactly fearless...
Love it Steph. A perfect compliment to your Malicious Intention, but it stands well on its own. Good Luck for this contest!
Author's Response: *squishes* Missed you, Miel? .... Of course! Tooks was intentional. My cousin isn\'t exactly the most gramatically corredt four-y-o :)
Yay for thinking outside of the square! *loves* I\'ve always hated how people say \"You can pit a sqaure peg in a round hole.\" Because you SO can :):) And, my lovely Gryffindor, you are a TRUE GRyffindor at heart. I\'ll let you decide just exactly what traits your posess!♥
Nit-picky part-time poet here to ..well pick this apart. Don't worry I'm nice ... really! Love the angsty atmosphere from start to finish. The way you started is slightly light with Harry asking: why? and he sounds so unsure and it deals with the burden by which he was born with.
One this first part: These lines breaks the rhythm a bit...
What makes it seem
That I am the “Chosen One?”
Just a suggestions that maybe you can re-arrange it a bit to fit 5 syllables like the first section... something like:
What makes it all seem
I? the "Chosen One?"
Although the other sections don't follow this rhythm, the prophecy quote separates them so seeming gives a break. Anyway I just think it sounds better is the first 2 sections follows the same rhythm. Although it would be nice if the 3rd section follows the 5 syllable rhythm.
The 2nd part delves deeper it more about his inner doubts and the great expectations heaped upon him due to the label. It sounded somewhat like an inner rant. More personal than the first part. :)
The last part is the saddest one its more contemplative and thus gives greater impact than the raging emotions on the 2nd part. There's more resignation in the tone of it.
Great work! I love that you've divided it. Another suggestion is to place the prophecy quote in the beginning so it doesn't break the rhythm of your 1st part.
Author's Response: *hugs fellow Gryffie* Thanks so much Miel! I\'m so glad to here your constructive criticism! I will definetely consider what you said.
I don’t think so.She would be a Slytherin Princess, still as golden, only more cunning and less conventional.
In this story, let her teach you in gaining influence over the very people who crave it.LucillaJoanna of Hufflepuff is here playing Lachesis for the May One-Shot Challenge...
...And won Second Place!(Rating only for mild language)
I love how you divided this story in sections with the advice separating each scene. Despite being sorted into a different house, Hermione is still very in character. I like the way she handled Draco and the other Slytherins - not too confrontational and entirely cunning.
“Yes? I love it when you’re plotting and scheming, only times your Slytherin shows up.”
missing word... I think you meant: 'Slytherin side'
“Don’t be so surprised. Our Hermione had a way with him, hadn’t she?”
I think it'll sound better as: "Our Hermione has a way with him, doesn't she?" -- It is not necessary to use past tense here because it's part of the dialogue.
I may not be a clairvoyant but I do think this entry would do well in the challenge.
Author's Response: Thank you, Miel. For the confidence and the corrections. Now, that\'s what reviewing is all about! Thanks a lot. ^_^
Draco's arrogance is funny and fitting, its entirely what endeared him to me in the series. I also liked the fact that you stated that Narcissa still hasn't turned on Draco. She seems to be the type of doting mum that won't turn her back on her son regardless of the situation. Although its strange that Draco is not worried for her, if Lucius and Voldemort had it in for him - wouldn't they also target the mum who's taking his side?
What I feel is missing is the reason as to why he's Sorted into Gryffindor. The HP series never showed Draco to be particularly courageous - the end of your story showed his courage and loyalty but that is a culmination of his friendship with Harry. What I mean is what trait did he posses early on (maybe show a hint of his courage or rebelious streak early on and have it develop to what we see at the end of the story.)
Being sorted into Gryffindor had me asking: "What? How?" - it's too abrupt and gave no reason for him being there ... maybe have Draco show some Gryffindor trait in the train ride or have a silent dialouge with the hat to hint that the hat sees something in him that's fitting for Gryffindor.
Good Luck for the challenge!
Author's Response: Hey nutty imp! Thank you so much for reading my story and I really appreciate your comments! You raise a good point about Narcissa. I beleive Lucius would try to erase his first mistake and make sure to get it right with the next child. Lucius needs his pure blooded wife to bear his next pure-blooded son. I had these thoughts when I was envisioning a chaptered fic, then realized it was a one-shot challenge. *sigh* Well, I tried on the train to give a glimpse into a Draco that unexpectedly finding himself sharing his innermost secret with a stranger. Someone raised by Muggles, at that! The Draco in the compartment with Harry is surprisingly compassionate to Harry\'s situation and agress that while money and status and mansions are very important to him, they\'re nothing compared to having his parents. He would rather lose everyting else than lose his parents. So the Sorting Hat would see the courage it took in admitting that, the loyalty to his parents, and a desire to further himself, but not necessarily at another\'s expense. So while Draco still has the Slytherin tendencies towards pure-blood superiority and rudeness, it didn\'t outweigh the Gryffindor qualities in him. Another reviewer had also suggested that I draw out the Sorting Scene and maybe use the hat debating where to put Draco, then turn around and do the same with Harry and my only excuse is that I didn\'t think of it talking with Draco, and in every HP book is some sort of reference to the what the sorting hat said to Harry - I just felt the reader was well aware of the Sorting process by now and I just skipped to the end. Looking back, I see the story could\'ve benefitted from a lengthier scene and all I can say is this story is creaming out for a sequel with some reflecting on the past by Draco so I can really do his sorting justice. :-) Thank you for your review and for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. Believe me, I appreciate it! *hugs* ~Andrea
Hey Laura! (I'm back) and I just has to check this out.
Great choice of subject. Usually people depict Rodolfus as a brainless goon that who follows Bellatrix's lead. You manage to made us readers see him as human - well fleshed out instead the usual two dimensional and shallow view.
In does make sense that Bella would feel more insecure and bitter than she would have had because here because she was different from a typical Black. I guess regardless of her house, her devotion to Voldemort would remain the same. Although I'm puzzled as to what made her a Ravenclaw in the first place? She showed great cunning and ambition here ....
Best of luck for the contest
This is different. I would think that James is the most Gryffindor-like among the Marauders. Although he is a pure-blooded wizard, it just feels so OOC for him to act this way. Then again he and Sirius does have a mean streak and comes out once in a while.
Given that I beta once in a while, I hope you won't mind some mistakes that I caught whilst reading this.
A Few corrections:
It was common knowledge that he despised Sirius Black on site - I think you meant 'sight'
as his two friends Lupin and Pettigrew. - missing word: as 'with' his friends or you may opt for same goes for his two friends
replace Lucious Malfoy in a few years in the ranks of Slytherin Greatness. - it's 'Lucius' and I think it ought to be 'on' the ranks.
Canon Error: Bellatrix is 7 years older than Sirius and James thus she shouldn't be in Hogwarts. Maybe replace her with Narcissa instead.
Instead of: The Katy girl raised her hands up - I would suggest using A dark haired girl to Lily's right guiltily raised her hands up.. Using "The Katy girl' just sounds a bit awkward.
Good Luck! And I'm glad to see that I'm not the lone Gryffindor entrant around.
Author's Response: Thanks, but I had to write an OOC James, for obvious purposes. This is a house-exchange story, therefore, in this story, there would be no Gryffindor qualities in James. You follow me? Thanks for the grammar corrections, as you can see, I didn\'t have time for my beta to check over this before the deadline. =]