Hey! I haven't been on this site for nearly two years (which explains why my stories are a little behind), but I am coming back to life! As soon as my schedule allows I will be completely redoing An American In Hogwarts and perfecting the rest of the stories. I am a stickler for grammar and spelling and I recently won a national award for a collection of my poetry. Go check out my stories!
I had to comment on this - there were loads of things I liked and I can't wait to read more. This is one of the first General stories I've read; mostly I read Romance or Poetry. I really liked how this started out. Just a few things I want to point out. (Sorry, but I always give constructive critism; I always want to make stories better)
#1: “I found this picture in one of my books. It really belongs with you.” I don't think that Dumbledore would say 'really.' I think you could reword it, perhaps to this: "I discovered this photograph when I opened up one of my books- I think you deserve it more than I." Just a thought; you don't have to use that sentence.
#2: I suppose there are laws that allow homeschooling for wizards? Otherwise Telara would never be able to practice Charms.
#3: By the way, how did you come up with that name?
#4: I'm tired, but forgive me if I'm wrong: If Telara is 17, she can only be at Hogwarts for the last year?
#5: I agree with the other reviewer that she seems a bit immature. But perhaps she'll get a bit of a reality check when she faces the Hogwarts 7th Years?
#6: What year of Harry's schooling is this? Just curious.
Over all, I think you can tell that your story got me interested; I normaly NEVER leave very long reviews like this. I really like it and it's going in my favorites so I can keep track of it. P.S. Might you review my stories? And please check out the list of in-queue stories in my author bio; they have been in queue for 2 weeks and I am curious if anyone (including you) might be interested in their plots. Thanks so much! *9/10*, which is the highest I rate!
Author's Response: Thanks for all the time you put into my review! This story takes place in Harry's 7th year. That will become clearer in the 2nd Chapter. She will be in the 7th year class too. I'm trying to make her more mature with the help of my beta. I'll be happy to read your stories. I'll leave reviews. Thanks again!!!
Hey! Good chapter, but maybe not my favorite. There are a few things that I saw:
"You reckon that’s alright with y’all or should I have gotten your say-so before I had the guts come into your presence?" Shouldn't that have a 'to' between 'guts' and 'come'? "I overheard his father and him having a nasty little conversation while I was getting fitted at Madam Malkin’s." I'm either wrong or right, but I think that the grammatically correct way for that is 'him and his father'. Might want to check that out. I loved Grawp- Hermione was perfect in that scene! Actualy, I laughed out loud during your chapter, which never happens. I noticed that you emailed me. I appreciate the consideration, but ask that you don't- you're in my favorites, and I can easily tell whether or not you have a new chapter. Thanks, though! I just get so much mail...
Author's Response: I've got the first correction taken care of - thanks! The second one is correct. My beta is an English teacher and corrected me on it. It was originally written the way you suggested. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. I should get Chapter 5 in soon. I understand about the email. Thanks for keeping me in your favorites - that makes me so happy! Thanks also for reviewing!!
Wow.... That was long. I really enjoyed it, but I find it funny that we write the oppposite for Bella. About a month ago I wrote a story that takes place after the war, and Voldemort... gets killed by Bellatrix. But, I really did like it; like I said in my reply to your review for Bellatrix, Bellatrix leaves much to the writer's mind. We have so many plotlines with her that it's incredible. The only thing I can say that was bad was your paragraph line up. There were some really long paragraphs in there. You can always add a sentence space or two for suspense.
Author's Response: Yeah I agree, when we're dealing with a character who doesn't have a set past we're free to make all sorts of things up. It's fun! As for my long paragraphs, it's just my style. ^_^ Thanks for your review.
The mother nodded her head solemnly, feeling both pain and adoration at the same time. Her job was done, her baby was no longer hers, he was a man unto himself. On her way up, she planted a soft kiss on her little boys forehead, and saw him nod in acknowledgement.
*Edited by a Mod: Please keep your summaries at an appropriate length without excessive formatting.*
That was touching... I love well-written one-shots, and yours was very unique. P.S. Might you review my stories? It's been so slow... I haven't had any reviews on some... Thanks!
I myself prefer free-verse, which may cause this review to become biased. Here goes:
I thoguht it was good, except for certain shorter sentences which really stopped the fluidness of the poem, and left it a bit jagged. Perhaps if you added an adjective or adverb to them it might even it out a bit. 7/10. But Keep writing poetry! At least you can rhyme, unlike moi!
P.S. Might you review my stories and poems? Thanks!
Author's Response: I'll consider your tip. Of course I'll R&R your stories and poems! If, of course, you R&R my OTHER poem. *WINK WINK*
I liked that; it was whimsical. 'Crumple Horned Snorkacks' is the correct spelling, though. Might you review my poems and stories! Thanks! One is about Luna!
Author's Response: Hey thanx for the review! i'll try to R&R your stuff! Thanx again! ~loverofluna~
I do hope that the arch is a plot line. I like this story, quite a bit, actually, except in this chapter Hermione is a bit OOC with the invisible kissing... etc. Will continue reading, and you might like my other stories as well, since you enjoyed The Course of True Love.
Author's Response: Yes, the arch is a BIG part of the plotline....or more acurately, what's in the tunnels behind it. Chapter 8 will deal with that. If Hermione seemed a bit OOC, it's only because that since she's invisible, and Ron can't see her, she has the courage to be a little bit bolder than she might normally be. Also...she is a bit overcome with seeing the sketch book again. :) Anyways, I appreciate your review and I will give some of your other stories a try. Thanks!!
I really thought this was sweet, but some of your spelling needed to be corrected. 8/10. P.S. Might you review my stories? Thanks!
Author's Response: okay thanx for your correction.
I agree with everyone else; this was a brilliant idea on your part. When I first wrote the sorting chapter in my story (chapter three of An American in Hogwarts, which is in queue), I delayed in finishing the chapter because I had to write a sorting poem. It took me ages. I think you wrote these very well; at least they were better than all of the fanfiction sorting songs I've seen! 9/10, for pure inspiration and charity (for all of those that go without songs in their stories). P.S. Might you review my stories? Thanks!
Author's Response: Thanks. I just reviewed ^_^ great free verse and one shots.
The following is my slight report of your story:
Excerpts are in italics, and my revisions are in bold. The weeks leading up to that had found her feeling something like a stomach flu, she chalked it up to stress, now she wished it was true. If you split the sentence and make the second one: She had chalked it up to stress; now she wished that it was a simple illness. it might work a bit better.
“Rodolph, I was just as surprised as you - ” The witch was cut off by the loud shriek that was Bellatrix’s laugh. BECAUSE OF THE CONFUSION ABOVE, YOU SHOULD REPLACE ‘the witch’ WITH ‘Prudence.'
Continuing to laugh, she suddenly felt light-headed and felt a uncomfortable spasm in her back. TOO MANY USES OF THE WORD ‘felt’.
Looking Rodolphus’ eyes she grabbed his hand and he proceeded to rub hers. It should be: Looking into Rodolphus' eyes she grabbed his hand; he proceeded to rub hers.
“We did always want to have a child, considering that I am the last of my blood line, it was left to you and I to carry on the Lestrange name.” It would be better if you'd split that up into multiple sentences.
Grabbing his hand as it grazed her chin she dug her nails into the flesh, taking a slight pleasure as she saw him grimace. I LIKED HER WAY OF CAUSING SLIGHT PAIN TO OTHERS TO HAVE ENJOYMENT: THAT WAS VERY BELLATRIX-LIKE!
You don't use commas as much as necessary, but when you do I notice that you use them in place of periods and or semicolons. You also have the habit of stoppping sentences in unusual places, then starting them up again. Fragments cannot be used by themselves for sentences.
I recommend a beta. I don't use one, myself, but until you get on your fanfiction-writing feet and get plenty ofreaders I think you could use a bit of beta'ing.
Please don't be upset or angry with me about this review; if you're angry please remember that I'm helping you to make your story better; if you're upset (sad) please note that this story has a very large percent of success, with the plot and all. I really think this is a neat idea, and I like the way you portray Bellatrix - and as you read above, I expecially liked that one line.
I shall bookmark your story and keep up with it- I do hope that you continue it. And I was curious about something - please read the reply to your review for Bellatrix to see my question. Thanks!
I really enjoyed the detail of this- some might have thought it long but it had a lot of information in its text. Anyway, I felt a bit sad that you didn't have any reviews, so I'm reviewing. Do you agree that no one is reviewing anymore? I certainly think so. P.S. While we're on the subject, I'd love it if you'd review my stories. Thanks very much!
Author's Response: Thank you for your review. Of course I will review your stories. Just a point though, never judge your writing by the number of reviews you get. Some of the stories with lots of reviews are really well written and deserve them, others are totally terrible and have a large following anyway!
Absolutely what I was looking for... great story so far... I hope you update soon!! P.S. I'd love it if you'd review my stories. Thanks! Rating this a much deserved 10!
I really think this will be a nice story... I love the whole scene between Snape and Hermione, and his reaction... one wonders if his fists were clenched because of fear of himself or fear of something... else. I thought that the beginning was a bit confusing, though. P.S. Might you review my stories? Thanks!
Author's Response: I think it is part of our fascination with the character of Snape, not knowing what forces within him are driving him to make the choices he makes. Thank you for sticking with it in spite of the early confusion. I would be delighted to give your stories an R&R =)
I really love the beginning of this fiction... I can;t wait to read more! P.S. Might you review my stories? Thanks! (it's been awfully slow on here). This is probably one of the best first chapters I've read; no one is ever good at entries.
Author's Response: He he, thanks a bunch. Beginnings are always hard to write. P.S. I've read all of your one-shots, but I couldn't review because of the blasted log-in problem. I think I dropped a review for the Bellatrix one, though I'm not entirely sure.
Good so far... can't wait to read more. This is the first fire I've seen in a story, and it's fun to read about normal Muggle conflicts like that. Where was Crookshanks? If that cat is roasted, I'll not be happy! P.S. I'd love it if you'd review my stories... Thanks!
Author's Response: I promise the cat is not roasted. Actually I forgot about him, opps. Ill put him in somewhere funny like I did with Hedwig and Ill review your stories.
Wow. I am just about speechless. that was good. I expecially liked the ending- such a perfect twist! Somehow two student/Snape fics have been posted in the past week... Perhaps you're at the beginning of a new trend! Of course, I had alwasy had a slight plot bunny of the sort in the back of my brain. I also love that you've made Lydia a believer in God. Not many stories about hP are like that... I enjoy them very much. Of course, the first things I thought of when you mentioned the star was Judism, but I'm thinking that she isn't a Jew? Perhaps... I'm not sure. The only thing that I didn't like (that kind of made me cringe, because I can be a critic sometimes) was that Lydia needed to stay in the Hospital wing for the rest of the year. That to me was a weak plotline- they have magic; they can do anything but bring back the dead. But, all-in-all, this story was so well written that I can get by that plot. Just also be careful about missing commas. I'm going to type a sentence from memory: I'm still awake you know. It should be, I'm still awake, you know. Once you fix those I think this is a lovely story. P.S. I'd love it if you've review my stories. I have one in queue, which has Snape as a major character, in fact, a really major character, and another, which I haven't completed yet, which is a one-shot about Snape. Snape is my favorite character, as well!
Oh, thank God. Someone else mostly finished their story before adding it. Look at all the old, uncompleted Hr/S fics here! This is a great start and I'm excited that another fiction shall have quick updates! 9/10! P.S. I'd love it if you'd review my stories! Thanks!
Author's Response: Thanks, I hardly ever share anything before I finish it, writing something darker at the moment as well. And this one has the option of a sequel. I also would love to R&R your stories, just keep doing the same for me and life would be bliss.
I have been meaning to review your stories for a while.. this one I hadn't read until now, but I think it was great! Great descriptions, and I loved the ending. P.S. Congrats! You're a mod! P.P.S. Might you review my stories? Thanks! (and it's freaky; my story Bellatrix is a lot like Power... weird.)
Author's Response: Thanks for the congrats. I'm glad you liked the story.
Good start... I can't wait to see where this goes... But watch outfor a mixture of past and present tense.
Author's Response: Thanks, I'm glad you like it.
That was magnificent! So brilliantly written... And we all know that that's what will happen... P.S. Might you review my stories? Thanks!