Welcome to my Author's Page
Banner by Meda
You can call me luinrina or Bine. I am
+ a proud Hufflepuff (banners by Heather and Lucia)
+ a (sometimes) inspired poet (banner by Meda), and
+ (if my muse cooperates) a fairly wordy writer.
List of completed one-shots:
Across the Pumpkin
A little one-shot about how Lily and Sirius became friends. Inspired by an inhouse challenge: Sirius, Lily, and a pumpkin.
Be Strong From Within
So far a one-shot about Ginny's sixth year. Originally written for the Back to School inhouse challenge on the beta boards. Received second place.
So far a one-shot about two friends and their Sorting. Written as the final for the Being British class, summer 2009, on the beta boards.
Envy and Fondness
This is a one-shot about the friendship of Lily and Severus. The arrival of James ensures that trouble is about to happen.
Fears - and Hope
Originally written for the Perfect Plot in a Prologue Challenge in June/July 2008: How would I introduce the Harry Potter series? Received first place.
In Due Time
Banner by Sitara
This one-shot is a foray into D/A and features Lucy Herberg, an OC. It was inspired by a discussion about Metamorphmagi in the Hufflepuff common room on the beta boards.
Banner by Helen
This one-shot was a co-author-project with Helen (helz_belz) for the Interhouse Co-op Challenge in the Great Hall on the Beta Boards. It features Anna Krum, the famous Quidditch player Viktor Krum's grandmother, and her story in the year 1944.
Received First Place.
Long Lost Lupine Laugh
Banner by Meda
This is a one-shot about Remus Lupin and how he prepares for his new teaching position at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
A tiny one-shot about Hagrid and Olympe Maxime becoming parents. Written for the I Challenge Thee Challenge (September) on the Beta Boards.
A longer one-shot about Susan Bones, her friends and family, and a mystery that hid below her living room. Written for the extra credit challenge of the Bookbasilisk Summer challenge, One Flew Over The Fwooper's Nest.
A short story about Andromeda a year after the Battle of Hogwarts. It was my first foray into second person POV. Originally written for the May drabble challenge in SPEW, then expanded to a one-shot.
The Bridge to Happiness
Banner by Rhi
A little one-shot about an afternoon of Sirius' and Regulus' childhood. This has been inspired by the third week of the Drabble Brawl, round two.
This Is Where You Belong
Banner by Sitara
A one-shot for the Winter Snows challenge. Harry reflects about the Christmases he has experienced.
Want You To Want Me
A one-shot about Scorpius Malfoy and Rose Weasley, written for SPEW LoveNotes 2009. Romance.
Whispers From Azkaban
A dialogue between brothers. Written for the Bookbasilisk Summer Challenge, Gift of Gab.
List of poems:
Always The Same, Yet Always Different
Banner by Meda
This is a (very long) Sorting Hat's song, poem-style, written for the extra credit challenge in the Summer Challenge 2008. Complete.
Black but Bright
Banner by Kate
This is a poem about the Black brothers Sirius and Regulus. Complete.
A short poem about how Sirius managed to break out from Azkaban. Complete.
From the Ashes: The Order of the Phoenix
Banner by Meda
This is a two-part poem about the Order of the Phoenix, of which the second part is still not done.
Banner by Suzie
A little sonnet in English rhyming style about Lycantrophy and the curse of being a werewolf. Complete.
What Imagination Has To Offer
A poem about fantasy and imagination, with stanzas in haiku-form. Complete.
List of series:
A Christmas To Remember
A wintery one-shot about Draco and Astoria and the birth of their son. Written for the Christmas SPEW swap 2008, for Alison (R_Ravenclaw).
A Truth Universally Acknowledged
This is a one-shot featuring Draco and Astoria and how their relationship began. Prequel to A Christmas To Remember, written for SPEW LoveNotes 2009.
Arising From Nothing...
A one-shot about the founders and how Hogwarts came to be built. Prequel.
Shining Through Blackness
Banner by Lucia
This is the story about Isla Black and how she came to love a Muggle-born whereas her family was set on marrying her into an influential pure-blood family. This story is posted up to chapter seventeen. On hold.
First story (1).
What Is To Happen
Banner by Meda
This is the story I've written for Round 7 of the Gauntlet, featuring Isla Black. Four chapters, complete.
Companion to Shining Through Blackness (1.1).
From Here On Out
A songfic to Decode by Paramore. Written for SPEW 007 in 2009.
Companion to Shining Through Blackness (1.2).
Banner by me
A compliant story (may be chaptered, so far it's a one-shot only) to my Shining Through Blackness series. The story is a co-author-project with Terri (mudbloodproud).
List of uncompleted chaptered stories and their status:
Magical Moments - A Special Issue
The Marauders have to serve detention and are set to help writing the current month's school paper edition. The story is chaptered and posted up to chapter two. It's currently, sadly, resting due to time constraint and lack of further inspiration, but I will continue it one day.
Vain Or - C'est ton Destin
I adopted this (medieval) plot bunny from Pinkcess of the Abyss in the Adoption Centre. It features Harry growing up not with the Dursleys, but in the Founders' era. The story is AU, and the prologue and first chapter are up.
I try to keep that list up to date, but I'm rather bad at writing and keeping to lists...
I hope you enjoy my stories. Feel free to contact me if you have questions about them.
Terri, my awesome beta! *tacklesquish* This is beautiful! Wondfully written, capturing very well Severus' feelings when he learned that Harry was about to start Hogwarts. I really love this story, especially the end when he sees Harry for the first time with Lily's green eyes.
Just one tiny little mistake I noticed: In this sentence - Carry the now small trunk upstairs, he placed it on the floor in front of the fireplace. - I believe the first word should be "Carrying" instead of "Carry". I could be wrong, though... *shrugs*
Anyway, congrats for getting your contest submission validated.
Author's Response: Oops, I guess it\'s not a good thing for your beta to use the wrong word. Thanks for the review. The story just came to my mind when I thought about what teacher to write about. I\'m glad you enjoyed it.\r\nTerri
Hello! I read this poem quite a while ago already, shortly after the competition for which it was written. I have respect for you for managing to write such a long poem; I know it has been hard as I have written a poem myself for that competition.
And I quite like your poem, especially the message you convey, with the houses having to stand together in unity to not let evil enter into Hogwarts. In the parts that were a requirement of the competition, you have presented the message of unity very well and it’s really amazing that you have worked this in so smoothly. Most of all I like the Hat’s tale of the founders and their histories. It’s so true to what Rowling showed in the books, and yet still your own interpretation. Wonderfully done.
Also, the rhyming blows me away. It’s so neat and nicely worked out. I’m not sure how it is with you, but I have trouble keeping the rhyming so clean and fluent, so it amazes me even more.
I enjoyed the rhythm of the stanzas and ultimately the entire poem as well, although there were a couple of places where I stumbled over a word or line, either because it was too short or too long. For example, right in the first stanza: You start off beautifully, setting a smooth and easy to read rhythm with seven syllables, followed by a line with six syllables. This repeats which makes it flow so brilliantly. But with the line A long eleven centuries ago, you break it because it has ten syllables, too much for the set rhythm in the previous lines. Then the following line has six syllables again, so it is in-rhythm once more, but the line after that, This school came to grow, has only five syllables, which is too short and lets the reader stumble again. After that, there are the one or other lines that have too many or too few syllables, too. I find that once a certain rhythm is introduced, it’s disrupting the flow of a poem when altering the already set rhythm. I would suggest tweaking the lines that are out of rhythm to make the poem flow much better than it already does.
My main doubt is whether the Sorting Hat would sing a refrain. Sure, the songs in the books are really short in comparison to what you have written, but I can’t see the song repeating a stanza. I think it would be okay to repeat one or two stanzas once or twice, but you have one stanza appear nine times, which – in my opinion – is stretching it quite a bit. I know there was a word count, a high one for a poem, too, but I think if you had maybe shown more about the single houses like their characteristics and colours for example, the word count would have been manageable as well.
Overall, I liked this poem, but I think you could have worked a bit more on it to make it perfect.
Author's Response: Wow, great review! Thanks! ^_^ I have to admit, though, most of your criticisms come as a result of my laziness. ^^; I know the Sorting Hat probably wouldn't use a refrain, but I got frustrated with the word count, and about halfway through, it became exceedingly difficult to think of things to add to the song so I wasn't being repetitious in a worse way--just rewording stanzas that say essentially the same thing later in the song. Refrains are common, so I went ahead and used a good stanza that I thought conveyed the right meaning to tie it together, and repeated it as a refrain. I also got tired and frustrated from revising the problem lines, and just left the disturbances in the rhythm in the poem once I finished it. ^^;; I'm not usually one for poetry, I did it mainly for the challenge, and it wore greatly on my patience even imperfect as it is. But I'm really glad you enjoyed it!
First of all, your title fits this long Sorting Hat's song... and it reads like an epic. You covered the founding of Hogwarts, went through the houses' descriptions and in the end the hat warned everyone. I can imagine sitting (or standing) in the Great Hall and hear the Hat actually sing this piece. Bravo.
What I also liked was your rhyming. Each stanza rhymes in the first/third line and then again in the second/fourth line. Wow! Really awesome work.
Probably my most favourite part of the poem was your description of Slytherin House:
For those of you who are ambitious
And seek out ways to increase your clout
Slytherin’s your house. It’s not malicious,
But a haven for you with goals so stout.
What Salazar had valued most
Was a pureblood Wizarding family tree.
If a righteous lineage you could boast,
Then fit for Slytherin you would be.
But those olden days are far gone now.
The house is not just for nobility.
Muggle-borns and half-bloods they allow
To uphold their stance on civility.
So if you are wily and stake out your claim,
Then silver and green robes you will wear.
Along with the others who value the same
Your home is in the Serpents’ lair.
You show really well what Slytherins value, what Salazar himself looked for in the students he chose to enter his house. And when you said that those days are long over and a new time has begun in Slytherin, my heart filled with joy.
What I had some little problems with were the rhythm of some stanzas. To me at least it was sometimes hard to get through because the rhythm was broken when there were too many syllables in one line, like in this stanza:
I make the decision from what I see:
Thoughts from your head, feelings from your heart.
Though if you think you know better than me
Your desired wish I will impart.
The second line has lots of syllables, and although I can see (and know) that each of the words is needed, it breaks the flow a bit.
But aside the little flow-breaking rhythm, all in all, it's a great poem, and in my opinion you met the challenge in all points.
Author's Response: Wow, first may I say THANK YOU for your extensive and very thought-out review. It's not every day you see someone who's taken the time to comment so thoroughly like you have. I really appreciate it. :)
I'm glad you liked the rhyming. That was by far the most time-consuming part --- trying to come up with abab rhymes for each stanza to still make sense. I'm also glad you liked the description of Slytherin. I personally like the stance taken at the end of DH that Slytherin's reputation is getting a little cleaner, and as this is set after DH, I felt that my song should reflect the new attitude.
You are absolutely right about the rhythm and flow of some stanzas. The fact was that in order to say what I needed to say and still keep the abab rhyme, sometimes the flow would be sacrificed. I hate that it had to happen that way, but what can you do? I tried to keep it as close to 9 syllables per line, but obviously that didn't happen. ;)
Thank you again, luinrina! Your comments are helpful and appreciated. :)
Avery, this story is lovely. It showed Luna’s psyche very well, and how she changed from a laugh-loving girl to a silent one after her mother’s tragic accident. And yet, at the end she turns back into a girl that loves life and singing. And speaking of her mother’s accident: you described it very vividly without creating too much fright, and I felt really sorry for Luna to have been there and watch her mother die. And some paragraphs before that, when her mother was cooking and there was a bang, I was afraid that would be the accident and Luna would re-enter the kitchen to find her mother gone. I lived with Luna through your story and felt what she felt.
The rock was a dark navy blue, and glistened in the sun. It reminded her of the blue all around her, surrounding us everyday. Luna wondered if the rock could think, because if it could then she supposed it was meditating. If it was, the rock would be very happy because it would have no emotional distress. She wished the pebble would teach her how to meditate, because she found herself useless at it. Maybe if she tried to be the rock, Luna would learn how to meditate. After all, how would anyone learn to fly if they didn’t watch birds?
This paragraph is my favourite; I loved your description with the blue stone, and that Luna delved into the blue nothing when meditating. Alone these sentences above have really good images that painted the story into my mind while reading, but all words of your story combined make it a wonderful read.
Some tiny nitpicks I noticed though:
The first is in the paragraph above. There, in the second sentence, it should say “surrounding us every day.” That should be two words, not one like you wrote it.
Then you once forgot to close the speech with quotation marks, and the word “window” you once wrote without the “n” in its middle.
It made her feel as though she really was part of the blue when this happened, she could almost feel myself blown away.
I believe that should have been “she could almost feel herself blown away”.
To Luna, the Blue was the emptiness that filled the space, the nothingness that surrounded her. Up high, it was blue, but here where we stand it was colorless. Maybe, if she stood at the top of the sky and looked down, it would be blue here, too.
The second part in the second sentence in this paragraph is a bit confusing. You write out of Luna’s POV, but suddenly you change the pronoun to “we”. Was this intended?
But apart from these mistakes, the story is just great. I can only recommend to read it, to everybody.
Author's Response: Thanks for the help Bine. What would I do without the review circle? I'll look into those corrections at once. :] Oh, and as you so accurately picked up, this story was once first person (and present tense but it seems all those mistakes were thankfully taken care of). Your review means a lot! *is very tempted to go review one of Bine's stories now* -Avery
*pounce tacklesquish* Tiffy, sweetie, that's awesome! And although I knew most of the story already (having helped with German was so much fun!) it's still great to read it again, now that it is no longer just the draft version.
One tiny little thing I have to nitpick though: There's this one sentence in paragraph 17 (I hope I have counted correctly... >.>) where you wrote some how; however, it should have been somehow instead - one word. But that's really all that jumped into my eyes.
Congrats on finishing your final! *cuddles*
I liked this chapter. It’s a fantastic opening to an interesting story, and you managed to capture the reader’s interest with the plot and introduction to the characters.
Speaking of which: I am impressed by your characterisation. I really like that you gave a lot of thought into the names and way of speaking. I especially noticed the Scottish accent. When reading the dialogue, I could clearly hear it in my head; it sounded just like Scottish people speak. Excellent job. It adds a lot to your story by sounding so realistic and natural.
I also liked the appropriately chosen setting and description of the place, although I wished you would have given the reader a bit more details in the description, especially on how the characters look like. We know nearly nothing about them, and I had some troubles to get an image of each character in my head. A subtly added description with the action would help a lot. For example, if you were to show how Ronan and Bran are built, the reader can better imagine the playful fight they have on the kitchen floor and thus get a better grasp of the entire scene. You don’t have to include complete paragraphs of description, but adding adjectives here and there work wonders.
Nonetheless, I got intrigued by this first chapter and would like to know how the story is going to continue. Please continue writing it. I find it to be an enjoyable read.
Hey Kat! Sorry it took me a while but here I am leaving my opinion on your wonderful story.
As you already know I like the story very much. The descriptions were great and appropriate and they gave the entire story a feeling for the eerie “preposterousness” of the entire situation. I really had the feeling to be there with all the characters, to feel the night and the water and wind and everything else. Really awesome job you did there.
Furthermore, writing this one-shot from Bella's POV made me feel as if I were her, wanting to be acknowledged of my achiement also. I as the reader was very well capable of slipping into Bella's position and crave for Voldemort's praise.
What I loved the most were the following two sentences:
She appreciated the pain. With it came power.
It's a wonderful picture you draw with the second of these sentences because the Dark Mark stands for fear and power. And this sentence in combination with the first shows Bella's real personality, how "cracked" up she is to love pain in order to receive power.
So to sum up: Bravisimo!! *applauds*
Terri, I liked your story. It was great reading, and you did an amazing work with it seeing that it was a last-minute plot badger. Best I liked these two paragraphs:
Remus reached down to pull Sirius up. The two men embraced briefly. As James stood, he also embraced Remus as Sirius went over to Peter to do the same. James then turned to Peter to continue the tradition the four boys had started the day of their first official mission for the Order of the Phoenix.
They each embraced each other and never once said goodbye. It was understood that during each mission any one of them could be killed. They vowed to never say goodbye as that would indicate they expected to not see each other again. Instead, the embrace said it all.
It’s wonderful how you show that the Marauders never said goodbye to each other and that they only hug. Words can sometimes be very powerful, especially when magic is involved, and that a “goodbye” could mean an expectation to not see each other again is a wonderful picture you’ve brought in there. Also, I like a lot how you included Peter into the scene. I’m not much of a fan of him and tend to forget about him in the Marauders’ plot badgers I have running myself, but he was part of their group and he must have had something that brought the other three to make him their friend. You showed well that their friendship was quite deep, and never, having not read chapter three where Sirius thought if Remus could be the traitor, had I thought they were at the point already where Peter was already spying for Voldemort. Nothing in the story indicated anything of that sort, and that’s what surprised me in chapter three. Well done.
Also, I liked the moment when Lily said she’s expecting a child, and all are dumbfounded for a moment. With James then hurrying over to her and literally “throwing” Sirius off the couch was a nice and somewhat funny moment in a story that portrays anxiety – anxiety to lose someone forever, anxiety of Lily to wait for the safe return of her friends.
And speaking of Lily’s anxiety: She was worried to death every time James went out to do business for the Order. And the moment Sirius told her about the curses-being-repelled-from-the-cloak-incident – just let me say it was nice to see Lily being calm and yet upset at the same time. But I think she would be more upset than you have portrayed it.
See, Lily loved James and was about to have his child. They were at war. All she cared about was that James should come back home, alive. And just because of this I believe she would have reacted much angrier when Sirius told her about the curses and the cloak. The way you wrote it she said some threatening words, then stormed out of the kitchen, slammed a door and sat on her bed, tears in her eyes. We know from OotP and DH that Lily can have quite a temperament when being angry, and I don’t believe that any person who has a temperament like Lily wouldn’t shout or start cursing (with words, not wands ;) ). You could have written this part with much more emotions of Lily directly in front of the men. Right, she’s an adult now and will surely have matured, but we see it with Mrs Weasley, too; she has a similar temperament to Lily’s in my opinion and she can get very upset and loud if something happened she can’t cope with easily. The passage how you wrote it is good, but I’d have liked to see more of the “explosion” Sirius feared. Upon those words I expected a violent volcanic eruption to speak in pictures, but all I saw in the end was an acrid tower of smoke coming from the volcano.
What I had to double read in this passage, too, was Remus’ appearance. According to your descriptions in chapter one, he had a lot of blood running down his face. But then he simply walked into the kitchen. Even though Dumbledore and Lily had treated him for an hour, I think having nobody ask him how he’s doing or feeling is a bit odd. You just go on with Remus asking who dared to lie to Lily, and that’s a bit abrupt in my opinion.
I couldn’t help but notice some minor grammar mistakes, too:
In the last sentence I believe you forgot an „and“ – The three men pulled Remus to his feet and Disapparated.
There should be a comma after “Snape” since the following part of the sentence is part of the dialogue and cannot stand alone. – One of the two of them could have been Snape,” Peter answered her honestly.
In this sentence I think you forgot a “what”, although the sentence would make sense without it. But when reading it in combination with the sentence after, it makes no real sense anymore, at least not to me. – I know what you are thinking.
A few sentences further down you misspelled a word: With a glance towards Dumbledore, Sirius continued, …
And this part looks odd to me:
“I am only going to say this once,” she stopped talking and stood up, looking at each of them in turn, her gaze even resting on Remus who had just entered the kitchen.
In my opinion this sentence is not entirely correct when looking at the dialogue. You start with personal speech of Lily, but then you continue with “she stopped talking”. It’s a really abrupt brake within the sentence, underlined by the usage of the comma. The second part doesn’t contain a word that indicates that Lily had said, told, reported, asked etc. Sure, you have “stopped talking” in the second part, but it doesn’t really connect to the words she had actually spoken. You see what I mean? Had you for example written “I am only going to say this once,” she warned and stood up…, then the comma would be justified. But since you used “stopped talking”, it’s opening a second sentence that has not really much to do with the actual speech of Lily. I’d therefore rather see you make it to two separate sentences: “I am only going to say this once.” She stopped talking and…
I’m stopping my review here. I’ve read chapter three also, but at the moment I think this review has got long enough and I don’t want to scare you away with my thoughts. And it’s the longest review I’ve written so far… However, know that I would very much like to read other chapters to this story, because I think if you’re going to include how Dumbledore got hold of James’ cloak, it’s going to be an even better story than it already is, albeit I missed some things in the passages I commented above.
And finally congratulations on getting the story up before the deadline closed and good luck with the competition. I’m crossing my fingers for my fellow Hufflepuff and awesome beta.
Author's Response: Bine, What can I say about this review. Wow comes to mind first. I went through and fixed the typos. Thank you for spotting them. I also added a line when Remus comes into the kitchen. What you said makes perfect sense. Someone would have asked if he was okay. I also added a bit in chapter three to explain why Lily didn't explode in the kitchen. I knew why in my head and forgot as I usually do the reader isn't in my head. Thank you for questioning her reaction. Thank you so much for this review. It means a lot to me you took the time to give such a through review. Terri
This is amazing! Really wonderful. I like your rhythm and rhyming. You've created a wonderful suspense and atmosphere.
Love it. Short, concise but with imagery... very good work. Excellent. Keep the ryhmes coming. You're a fantastic poet.
Author's Response: Oh, thanks so much. Your leaving good reviews of my poetry always makes my day.
Terri, sweetie, this is such a nice story. I really liked how you incorporated the happiness and love, but also the sadness with the oncoming war. The story was fluent to read, and I could picture each scene as clearly in my head as if I’d watched the story as a movie.
Also, I enjoyed the slow but nonetheless funny build-up you did.
“Do you think he’s dead?”
“Well, if he is, it’s your fault. You’re the one who knocked him off the couch.”
“Hey, the rule is whoever can get and keep the couch gets to sleep on it. He passed out and I was still awake, so I pushed him off and took the couch for myself. I didn’t force him to drink so much Firewhisky with James.”
*giggles* Nice beginning, really. And in these few sentences you’ve started not only started a wonderful story, but also shown some specialities of the Marauders. I especially like the love between the four boys that you’ve written between the lines. Exceptional job.
And then comes Sirius’ first trial – explaining to James that really Lily loved him. It’s really difficult to talk sense into stupid people who have lost confidence, but you managed to write Sirius fantastically through it.
What amazed me was that you’ve written both Lily and James having sat in exactly the same position on their beds, worrying that the other wouldn’t love them. And that Sirius had his second trial with convincing Lily as he had to convince James – only that it was different this time due to Lily being a girl and crying.
I loved Sirius’ solution of how to get her to say that she loved James.
“Lily, can I ask you a question?”
“Of course you can. I might even have an answer for you,” Lily said, smiling slightly.
“Do you want to ditch this place and run away with me? I can make you happier than that fool of a Potter.” Sirius tried to keep his voice very serious.
Lily didn’t answer at first. In fact, to Sirius, she seemed to be considering it. Then raising herself up, she kissed him on the cheek.
“Sirius, I love James and I am marrying him today. You will just have to get over me and find a nice girl of your own.” Lily chuckled as she finished speaking.
Hahahahahahahahaha! ROTFLMAO That’s great! You took a serious situation, made it fantastic with your writing style and added humour to top it all. Wow, just awesome. I really like this part, it’s probably my favourite of the entire story.
“Lily, what makes him so special? What does he have that I don’t?” Sirius asked. He had asked her to run away with him as a joke, but he realised he really wanted to know what James had that made Lily fall in love with him.
Lily looked Sirius in the eye before saying simply, “My heart.”
Aww, that’s so sweet. It’s such a proof of Lily’s love to James, and ultimately a nice thing to write. *claps applause*
I then noticed some minor punctuation issues:
“Let him be. We still have a couple of hours,” Remus answered. “Let’s go have some breakfast.”
[…] a slight headache after last night’s drinking.
“No, I was awake listening to the two of you. Nice to know you would be so upset if I was dead,” Sirius said grumpily.
Lily, it’s okay.
What bugged me a bit more though was this part:
He knew in a few minutes he would be expected to make some sort of speech. He, of course, hadn’t given it more than a passing thought before now.
As the plates from dinner were being cleared, Sirius stood. He tapped lightly on the side of his glass to get everyone’s attention.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” he began, “being true to form, I didn’t write a speech. It seemed too much like homework, and I rarely did that on time, so why change?” Sirius waited for the laughter to die down before continuing.
It’s a bit abrupt in my opinion. I’d thought about not having prepared a speech that Sirius would be more nervous, maybe slightly panicked. I imagined a kind of “Oh-my-God-in-a-few-minutes-I-have-to-give-a-speech-and-I’m-not-prepared!”-reaction. But the way you wrote it makes it like, don’t know, seem unrealistic. It’s hard to explain, but it’s lacking some deeper atmosphere.
Also, in the third of the above mentioned paragraphs, Sirius just begins talking. I’m missing some description here as to how he felt: nervous, excited, panicked because he has no idea whatsoever what to say. It might be me being slightly delirious, but that’s how I feel at this point of the one-shot. And I hope my babble made sense…
The speech itself is good. It’s nice and sounds like something one would say at a wedding. Also, the idea with the bet was fabulous. Liked it a lot. And I loved the sentence where Sirius says that Lily is now a Marauder by marriage. LOL Nice idea.
And the actual ending…
He also made a secret wish. A wish he would never tell anyone. As the first star came out in the sky, Sirius looked at it and made his wish.
“I wish for all of us to always be this happy.”
Aww… *snief* *sob* *cry* This is the sadness I spoke about at the beginning. It’s so sad and tears my heart apart reading stories where the oncoming events are incorporated somehow – in your case with the wish. Everyone who knows the books knows what will happen, and it makes me really want to cry all day long about the Marauders being ripped apart from within.
All in all it was a wonderful one-shot, and I enjoyed reading it. *hugs*
Author's Response: Bine, I LOVE getting a review from you. I will fix those nasty punctuation errors. As far as the emotion with the speech, I once again fell under the "I know what is going on in my mind" syndrome. I really am trying to avoid that. LOL I will fix it. You said in the beginning of your review it was like watching the story as a movie in your head. That is exactly how I write. No plan, I just write the movie playing in my head. Hence, my occasional slip into the syndrome of knowing what is going on and forgetting to tell the readers. Thank you so much for your review. As I said, I am so happy to get a review from you. I know it will be a detailed review. Thanks again. Terri
Ayra, this story is so sweetly written, wonderful. You’ve captured very well how “chaotic” Ron feels (and is) sometimes, you’ve caught him spot-on. Very good. In no way was his planned proposal work with a family like his where everything can turn upside-down at any given moment.
He was sitting in the kitchen of his home, thirty minutes until the girls were supposed to get back, when he encountered his first obstacle- his family came home.
Stage one of his perfect plan was already ruined.
Hahaha, the “first obstacle” and “stage one”… I can’t stop laughing here. That’s just how Ron thinks and feels. Kitchen blocked by mother and brother with girlfriend, sitting-room blocked with brother, his own room not good enough – let’s go outside!
“Hermione,” he started, reaching into his pocket for the ring and realizing that it wasn’t there. He froze momentarily, panicking
And he loses the ring! Hahaha, that’s typically Ron, a walking confusion. It’s just great, really fantastic how you caught his characterization in this story. And Luna had to pick up the ring on the couch telling him to thank the Gernumblies. That’s just how Luna would react. Simply great.
I liked the end, the final sentence.
In all the commotion, only Ron, who was in on the plan, heard Harry ask Ginny a question. “Ginny, could I have a word outside?”
Aww, that’s so sweet. A double proposal. Maybe there’ll be a double wedding as well? lol
There were two tiny mistakes I noticed:
In the following sentence you misspelled “that”. I’ve put in the missing “h” in bold.
The sound of a chair sliding across the tile told Ron that Harry had left him.
And in this sentence the “he” after the speech needs to be written with lower case.
“Wh-What are you doing here?” he managed to choke out.
Apart from these minor mistakes: Congratulations. Good story. I liked it and laughed a lot.
Author's Response: Thank you, thank you Bine for the lovely review!
Chapters five and six were another two interesting and well-written chapters. I really like your fiction, your way of telling Dieter’s story. Your narration sounds natural, and what most fascinates me is that you create Dieter’s worlds with a love to the detail. Everything from the clothes via the names of streets to the currency is minutely described without overpowering the plot else. You obviously spend a lot of time on the details, and you show them, not just tell, which makes reading easy, fluent and enjoyable. The narration thus flows naturally.
What I also liked very much is that in the last two chapters you introduced the other side of Dieter, Dieter the wizard. He’s a typical eleven-year-old boy who is fascinated by the prospect of doing magic, of being something special. You showed nicely his enthusiasm of discovering the hidden world of magic, and it adds perfectly to what we already know about Dieter from the first four chapters. Also, it fits completely how I imagine any child of that age would react when confronted with what Dieter experiences. I can already see that Dieter will one day be an important personality in the Zweites Zauberreich, even maybe dangerous, but still a likable character with which I as the reader have spent a lot of time.
Chapter six in itself is a diamond of fiction because you have so many similarities to the Harry Potter books and Diagon Alley, but still inserted a lot of new ideas, your own, of how another hidden shopping place could look like. The similarities make it obvious that your story is a fanfiction to Rowling’s books, but the differences in details show that you try to create something original nonetheless – with success. Then the addition of an unknown wandmaker and his friendly banter with Odoaker who talk about Gregorovitch (which is spelt with a t according to my copy of GoF, by the by) and Ollivander answer a question of mine: Why didn’t Dieter get his wand from Gregorovitch? Your answer bridges back to the Harry Potter books, completing the circle of canon and fanfiction with original details. Also, I liked that you gave the tailor in The Spinster as a name the translation of her profession – Näherin. Genius, but I doubt many will notice.
Though, a small advice: Depending on where Durmstrang and the Gellert Grindelwald Platz are located, I would be careful with giving a lot of people German names or having them say German words all throughout their sentences. It might start tending towards too much. With Dieter, I can imagine him saying “Mutti” and such words easily, but having an unknown small child say “Mutti” feels a bit weird if the family isn’t German – which I couldn’t know since they’re only passers-by. And remember, Viktor Krum, a Bulgarian, went to Durmstrang, too. I doubt he would speak much German, if any at all. Maybe you could vary even more with inserting fragments of other languages such as Bulgarian, Slavic etc. Knowing you, I’m sure you can pull it off correctly so that it fits the story beautifully.
Another detail I found truly enticing was the little four-line poem you inserted in chapter six:
All Wizards are Brothers
All Witches are Sisters
All wizardkind, forward!
For the Greater Good!
Again, it reminds me of the speeches of Hitler’s time and it draws me into Dieter’s world even more. I can see many similarities between Germany of 1939 and the Zweites Zauberreich, and yet the story is still vague enough to not spoil future events. I know how WWII ended for Germany and can imagine how the Zweites Zaubbereich will end when Dumbledore defeats Grindelwald, but I’m curious of what will happen to Dieter. How will he fare? You make me curious and I’m looking forward to read more.
Overall, I can only repeat what I said in earlier reviews: Tim, you leave me in awe. Please keep updating regularly. Für das Größere Wohl is brilliant.
I must offer a million, billion apologies for responding to your lovely review so late. So, five months and three chapters later, I’m here for comments!
First of all, thank you for reading and reviewing this story. Also, I must thank you for your comments on my writing style. I can be quite wordy at times, so I’m glad you think that my description is interesting to read, adds to the story, and doesn’t overpower the plot.
Concerning my main character, Dieter, I’ll admit that I’ve developed a bit of a soft spot for him, regardless of his morally objectionable beliefs. But behind the National Socialist, he’s just a curious eleven-year old boy, and I’ve come to like writing about him. He’s certainly been a challenge to write, but an enjoyable one nonetheless.
I’m glad you enjoyed Dieter’s experience in Gellert Grindelwald Platz, as it was very fun to write. Little was actually planned in advance, and I pretty much made up details of the marketplace as I went. I did originally plan on having Gregorovich make Dieter’s wand, but I realised that would be introducing a Slav into the story early, and thus disrupting a major plot point – how Dieter reacts to being in a multi-ethnic community at Durmstrang. Since I wanted Dieter to be shocked at how the school has Eastern European students in addition to Germans, I replaced Gergorovich with Herr Starkerstab. And concerning Frau Näherin the seamstress, I was actually being lazy and I couldn’t think of a good name for her. In desperation, I just used an English-German dictionary and made her name her profession.
Gellert Grindelwald Platz is definitely within Germany – though its actual location will eventually be revealed, it is sort of like Diagon Alley in which it resides within a large Muggle city. However, as you pointed out, Durmstrang is not fully German, and this is a major plot point.
Naturally, Nazi Germany is the obvious parallel to Grindelwald’s Zaubererreich, and I’ve been looking at National Socialist propaganda material for inspiration. Though I’ve designed the Zaubererreich to have some recognisable similarities, the two dictatorships are very, very different, as Dieter will come to find out – another major plot point!
Anyway, thanks for this amazing review, and I’m again sorry that I’ve responded so late. Enjoy the rest of the fic! I’ve just finished Chapter Ten, so expect to see it soon.
~ Tim the Enchanter
Tim, you leave me in awe. Your story is fluent, well-written, and interesting into the smallest detail. It’s obvious that you spent a lot of time researching and including all the facts you found out about that time. The details enrich your story and make it very enjoyable to read.
A lot of charm is brought into the story by using German words here and there. Nothing feels out of place and is included perfectly – it gives the impression that your knowledge of the German language is more than just basics, really. Though, some small mistakes I noticed. In chapter two, “dummkoff” should be “Dummkopf”. In chapter three, you wrote “Deutsches Jungvolk boys” which is doubling. The Deutsches Jungvolk consisted of boys only, that’s why adding “boys” after “Deutsches Jungvolk” is not necessary. The same applies to “Jungmädel girls”. The German word “Mädel” is an old version of “Mädchen” which translates as “girl”. So, no need for the “girls” after “Jungmädel”.
What I really liked about chapters two and three is the way you showed the Germans as a group. First, it’s the townspeople directing their anger at the Jews, and in chapter three, it’s the Deutsches Jungvolk doing early morning exercise and then having a snowball fight with the girls. “Teamwork”, that’s how it has been back then, and you showed it clearly and well-incorporated into the story. Once again, I have the feeling of sitting in my history lessons and either watching films or reading texts about the life of the youth in Hitler’s era. I even find myself wishing that this story would have been part of my education.
The way you developed Dieter is amazing. He’s the average ten-year-old German boy, with flaws like not being able to draw or stumbling over answering a question in school. He does schoolwork just fine but loves physical exercises more than anything else. He fully believes what the older boys and adults have taught him about Aryans being the better race and Jews, Gypsies and other human races being inferior to the German supremacy. He’s fitting into what I know the youths having been like back then; he’s portrayed really realistically. I especially liked that he’s shocked beyond words when he meets the old wizard in the Kartoffelstraße, but that he’s well-enough trained to “recognise” the old man’s weirdness. It’s also a nice way of introducing the readers to who Dieter really is – a wizard – without giving away anything vital in that moment. I’m really looking forward to when Dieter receives his letter of being admitted to Durmstrang.
The snowball fight was entertaining to read, and at the same time an education for both me and the characters. They fight like in a real war, the girls being one army, the boys the other. Some of the boys were armed with their spades, using them to launch large clumps of snow long distances (if inaccurately) while simultaneously digging field fortifications. I loved the reference to the field fortifications. It feels like they were on the battlefield in Russia or France instead of in the camp near their town. Again, you’ve woven the “simple” everyday life together with what the future for them all will entail – the battlefield. It makes the story so much more glorious.
Now, I’m definitely not a believer in Nazism, but let me just say that when I heard the speech for “Do you want the war” (or whatever exact phrasing they used), I kind of got excited as well. Hitler and his men were great speakers, and they could excite large crowds of people. You showed this “ability” when the Party official cried “Heil” and the townspeople answered with “Sieg”. And the way you used the repetition – just like what Hitler and his men did – build up so much emotions and feelings, it’s impossible not wanting to follow. You have a great talent there, and I hope you’ll include that more often in future chapters. It makes your story stand out.
Tim, the way you portrayed the era and the life of a usual boy is beyond amazing, and the story promises to become really great. Keep up the work; it would be a shame to not see this story finished. And as my final words: I marvel at your ability to write a fantastic story about a delicate topic, moving it into the realm of fanfiction, yet keeping it historically as accurate as possible.
Ah, Guten Tag, Bine!
Sorry it’s taken me a while to respond to your reviews, but it’s been a busy week. But anyway, I’d just like to say THANK YOU for such a supportive, in-depth review. Also, thank you for the German advice/corrections – highly useful since I don’t speak the language, apart from a few propaganda phrases I’ve picked up while studying the subject!
Again, I am immensely pleased that you find my depiction of life during the Third Reich as being realistic and believable – my research has been put to good use! Also, I am particularly glad that you like young Dieter Heydrich. Though what the Nazis did was undeniably despicable and vile, they were real people, just like you and me. A lot of people forget is that the Nazis weren’t just the SS men in black trench coats – they were also ordinary clerks, bakers, parents, and yes, little children like Dieter too. To get philosophical, one of my motivations for writing this story was to show what life was like under Hitler and hopefully shed some light on why so many people offered their enthusiastic support or at the least their silent consent.
Speaking of shovels and digging field fortifications, that reminds me of a scene from Leni Riefenstahl’s Triumph of the Will, when Hitler reviews the Reichsarbeitsdienst. I was surprised by militarization of something as mundane as construction work – they wielded their tools like they would rifles, and they even chorused (I’m just summarising here), “We don’t fight or stand under fire, but we are soldiers! Our labour is our weapon!” But I digress… as you noticed, I wrote Chapter Three as a sign of things to come.
Anyway, don’t worry about me giving up on this story – Chapter Five has just been updated, and Chapter Six is in the queue! Currently I’ve been having the worst case of writer’s block for the next chapter, but I think I’ve found a way around it and can resume progress as normal.
Once again, thanks for the fantastic review!
Tim the Enchanter
Continuing with chapter four, you divulge into a family evening, introducing us to Dieter and his siblings. I liked the way you showed Hans and Dieter bantering, and that Hans had difficulties concentrating on the book Mein Kampf. I personally haven’t read it, but I’ve heard that it’s not the best literary book there is. And still, it gave even more insight into the era.
What confused me a bit, though, were Hans and the pages he was reading on. Did he read the book backwards? Because before Dieter had the idea of reading to his younger siblings, Hans had only progressed about five pages into Mein Kampf. Then, Hans […] was still struggling with the fourth page of Mein Kampf, and when Dieter started reading aloud, Hans [was] looking up from the third page of Mein Kampf. Did he have to go back page by page because he didn’t understand what he had “read” previously and thus had to reread it?
But moving on. The younger siblings are positively cute, and I chuckled about Paul’s homework troubles and the exasperated Dieter explaining it to him. This small scene characterised both boys nicely, and added perfectly to the chapter’s setting of a quiet family evening. Also, again, it showed the teachings of that time, and that the Aryans were better and stronger than any other race. It was a simple way to portray those beliefs and yet very effective, like young children’s homework would have looked like back then.
The story you invented of Sky Captain Otto von Von was neat, and it read like being a true children’s book from Hitler’s era. Again, you leave me envying your creativity and ability to perfectly portray the time period.
Flower the owl was very sweetly described; the little feathery ball gave me an instant picture, and I would have loved to have seen that owl with my own eyes. And yet, despite being cute, the animal is trained and just waiting for the response. I chuckled at Dieter’s father’s antics of shooing the bird out without it moving. It’s really entertaining, and like in the Harry Potter books, authentically shows that the post owls were indeed very clever animals.
Some advice though: Be careful with dialogue. I noticed some parts were the dialogue should have been capitalised, like in the sentence He handed his parents the letter and the envelope and added, “and it’s addressed to me.” The “and” when Dieter starts speaking needs to be capitalised. Also, I noticed that sometimes, when someone addresses another person with their name, you forget to put the name in commas, like for example in the sentence You see Melita? (end of chapter three). There should be a comma after “you see”.
Another great chapter closes and leaves me waiting for more. Excellent work, Tim.
Guten Tag, Bine! So sorry it’s taken me so incredibly long to respond – I do apologise. But thanks for reading and leaving such a great, long review!
Anyway, I’m glad you noticed the bit about Hans reading Mein Kampf backwards – very good observation! You have correctly guessed that I was making fun of how badly written the book is, in which Hans had to keep going back to understand what he was reading. I’ve actually read the first three chapters of Mein Kampf (I gave up after that), and I found myself in the exact same situation Hans was in – rereading the same sentence over and over and having to flip back to previous pages. I’ll tell you that if you have trouble falling asleep, Mein Kampf is the book to read! It’ll knock you out within five minutes!
As you have probably noticed, I had enormous fun writing the excerpts for Sky Captain Otto von Von. I’ve actually sketched out the plots for a few books from the series, and if I’m feeling ambitious I might actually write some of these novels in full! However, that might not be a very good idea, because that means I would be writing NAZI PROPAGANDA CHILDREN’S STORIES! Perhaps I’ll include chapters of Otto von Von at the end of regular chapters as “bonus material.” Oh, and for a bit of historical trivia, the homework assignment about the foxes and rabbits was inspired by a 1943 Disney propaganda cartoon called “Education for Death” - though it is an American wartime film, I believe the classroom scene is a fairly accurate picture of what Nazi education was like.
Thanks again for reviewing, and I'm very pleased that enjoy this story and think it is accurate - my research has paid off! Also, sorry I haven’t updated in a while, but hopefully I’ll be back to writing at a feverish pace when my school schedule loosens up!
Tim the Enchanter
Tim, when you requested German language help, you got me interested in your story with all the background information you provided. It took me a while to finally settle down and read your story, but now I’ve read the first two chapters and feel the urge to share my thoughts with you.
You start off with a lovely description of Herr Schwalbe. It’s great how you combined the introduction of a character with a picture of what life in Hitler’s era was like. I as a German have learned lots of Nazi Germany and Hitler’s ideals etc. at school or through my grandparents’ tales, and your beginning paragraphs sound like they were out of one of my history text books.
One morning while walking down the street, a passing woman had innocently greeted him with a salute and a friendly, “Heil Hitler.”
But Schwalbe had stopped, confused – the woman recalled that it seemed like the man hadn’t even heard of the Führer until that moment. Herr Schwalbe hastily stammered, “Guten Morgen,” and flopped the wrong arm in front of him in a feeble imitation of the woman’s salute.
The above sentences are accurate in several ways. Firstly, it shows that Herr Schwalbe seems to be strange and different than the other people. That may not be out of the normality – there are always some weirdoes here and there – but considering the time this story is set in, Herr Schwalbe’s greeting is just way off of what he was asked to say and do in a proper greeting. Secondly, you demonstrated what the Germans were saying, reflecting the time wonderfully. You incorporated their facial expressions and gestures, adding a German touch to it, which is just capturing. And thirdly, as I already said above, the way the paragraphs are written is similar to what good history texts read.
What I believe is missing in this sentence – When he rarely ventured out of his house, he was sometimes seen wearing odd, colourful robes, no matter the weather was like. – is a “what” before “the weather is like”. I think this part of the sentence should read “no matter what the weather was like.”
Then you suddenly switch to the magical part of the story. Two wizards come to the Schwalbe family house in the middle of the night, not planning a friendly visit. It’s gripping how you wrote it, and I like the action sequences you incorporated. Herr Schwalbe fought back, and this way one could see that he was like them, that he was a wizard. Now the weirdness of Herr Schwalbe in the beginning paragraphs is explained, and every piece of the puzzle starts forming a picture – the Greater Picture (sorry, couldn’t resist =D).
What I’d like you to notice though is the confusing way you’ve written “ZVK”. First time you mention it, you write it with points after the letters (Z.V.K.), and some lines further down it’s only ZVK. You should decide on one spelling way and keep it constant throughout the entire story.
The first chapter is always important to spark a reader’s interest. You certainly managed to do that. I’m hooked to go on reading and am sure the rest of the story will be enjoying as well.
Oh, wow! Thanks Bine, for this great and very long, in-depth review! Also, thank you for pointing out the grammatical and continuity errors – sometimes even my mother tongue confuses me! But I digress…
Everything I know about the Third Reich comes just from whatever reading I’ve done about the subject and from the large amount of artefacts my grandfather “liberated” during the war – photographs of German soldiers with a captured bathtub and donkey in Greece, postcards with Hitler’s face on them, stacks of Reichmarks, patches, and a whole plethora of trinkets. Of course, I could never truly know what it was like living in Germany at the time, so what appears in this story is just my best guess. With that in mind, I am very, very glad that you found my depiction of life under Nazism to be accurate, believable, and interesting - I also find it amusing that you say the beginning of the first chapter sounds like a history textbook!
Of course, there was the first hurdle of writing this story with an ardent Nazi boy named Dieter Heydrich as the “protagonist.” I’ve read a few Grindelwald-era fics, but all of them are from the perspective of the good guys – I decided to do the opposite, and it took me a bit of mental debating to muster the courage to write this story. Then I had to write the story from the viewpoint of a central character and narrator who see life in the Third Reich as something completely normal, and indeed, something good. That’s quite a mental challenge, but the way I see it, in order to understand anyone (including little Nazis like Dieter), you have to think just like them and see the world as they do. It was an interesting experience writing from that viewpoint. Plus, it was actually rather fun putting my limited German knowledge to good use – just using German words and expressions instead of English, which I find quite helpful in effectively establishing the setting and a good way to practice the language.
Personally, I am particularly proud of my very first sentence: “Adolf Hitler Platz was a spacious, airy town square, spaced with trees and benches and bordered by busy shops.” I describe a perfectly normal and rather pleasant part of an adorable little German medieval town… but it’s named Adolf Hitler Platz. I find that rather thought provoking, and it certainly captures my attention.
Concerning the magical aspect, I see Grindelwald’s Zauberereich as having several similarities but many differences with Hitler’s Germany, and that will be explored later on in the story. I actually first got the idea for this story while thinking about what both regimes were like, and I happened to form a story around it as an afterthought!
Well, thank you once again for reviewing. I hope you enjoy the rest of the story!
Tim the Enchanter
H.J., Hannah, this was a really beautiful story. I loved it a lot. It brought across the grief one feels after losing a beloved person in a very delicate way, allowing the reader to feel with and for the characters. I found you handled this saddening topic wonderfully, as from the first word I got caught up in the story and needed to read on to find out what happened. The style of your narration added to the thoughtfulness of the story; the slow pace suited the story brilliantly because it enabled me to get more into the emotions you conveyed.
I find your characterisation of Hermione to be great. I could easily see Hermione being this depressed after losing her daughter. From the books, I know that she cares a lot about her friends. You took this and went further. By showing her to be a mother deeply in love with her child, you allowed me as the reader to feel sympathy with Hermione at her loss. You thus grabbed my attention and bound me to the story which is an important factor to keep a reader’s interest. You caught and kept mine. :)
Ron’s characterisation I thought to be very well done as well. That he was the rational one in this story is a wonderful and new take on his adult self, and I really enjoyed reading it as it was a refreshing interpretation of his character. It also showed that he cared not only for his dead daughter but for his wife as well. The culmination of this was the vision Hermione had of Ron (and Harry) in tears. It was very emotional and brought me to tears myself.
The idea of Hermione to seek answers in the Department of Mysteries was surprising but – in my opinion – very original. However, from the books, I had the impression that Hermione is more of the law-abiding type of person and would therefore rather work in, for example, the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. To me, Hermione never appeared to be the kind of person that is very much interested in speculations and mysteries; after all, she dropped Divination. And while Divination is future-telling more than speculations, to someone like Hermione with her logical thinking and love for facts it would appear as being speculative and mysterious. I therefore cannot really see Hermione working in the Department of Mysteries. That you do have her work there proves to be an interesting and unclichéd plot development, but I think if you had her work in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement instead, for example, she – as a Ministry employee – could still have access to the Department of Mysteries. Yet, like I said, I liked that she would go there and seek this place out for help in her darkest hour; it’s an interesting take on her character, something I haven’t yet seen.
What I liked as well was the scene where she talked with Lupin, asking and receiving answers. It shows that even someone who loves facts like Hermione does, and who usually knows the answer before a question is asked, is changed drastically when grief takes over her world. She can’t think clearly anymore, and you brought that across perfectly.
However, I can’t quite see Lupin talk like he did in your story. When I read the first few of his words, I immediately envisioned Dumbledore. The words you have Lupin speak sound more like being spoken by an aged, wise man. They reminded me strongly of the station scene in Deathly Hollows, when Harry talked with Dumbledore after his supposed death by Voldemort. Dumbledore certainly was aged and wise. Lupin died quite young. While he was very smart and was shown as a source of answers for Harry in especially his third year, but later as well, I doubt Lupin would convey the same wisdom Dumbledore did. To me, from his portrayal in the books, Dumbledore may have made mistakes in the past, but he was nonetheless a man whom Harry trusted the most, I think. Additionally, Hermione didn’t have this “bond” with Lupin Harry had. He was her teacher, and later a companion in the fight against Voldemort, but not much more. Why she would talk to him is a bit mysterious to me.
What I liked was that Tonks and Lupin are taking care of Sophie. I liked it, as it fits with Tonks not having had the time with her own child. I even found the mentioning of Lily and James wanting to watch after Sophie, but that Tonks and Lupin insisted to take her instead, a little bit funny. It brightened the otherwise quite dark atmosphere of the story and created a beautiful, light moment. I found that it also built a bridge back to the sad circumstances of Lily and James dying young and Harry not having his parents when growing up. I liked the way you interwove happiness and sadness.
In this regard, let me congratulate you on how well you incorporated the prompt of the challenge. I found it to be mastered perfectly, giving the story its backbone and plot.
The end of the story was heartbreaking. I was so happy that Hermione chose to go back to Ron, that she missed him as much as he missed her. And I loved the little scene at the end where Rose was born, and Hermione presented her to Sophie. It was a very nice ending of the story, leaving me happy that Hermione moved on with her life, but at the same time I was sad that Rose will never meet Sophie and get to know her. Ending the story on this quite light tone gave it a hopeful touch that brightened my heart.
Something I noticed was a couple missing punctuations. For example, in the sentence His voice caught on the last word and when she turned to look at him she saw that his face was stained with tears., there are two missing commas: after “word” and “him”. In some other places, I missed a full stop at the end of a sentence. In a flowing narration, a missing full stop makes it difficult to realise when a sentence finishes and a new one starts; it gets confusing.
Overall, I can only repeat what I said at the beginning: that I loved this story. It is written beautifully, flowing and very emotional. It’s definitely a story that needs to be recommended. Thank you for a wonderful read, you two.
What a great chapter. I really like how you depict Tonks and Remus, but your Severus is fantastic as well. You really do write him well despite stating that you don't like him. And I find it to be an interesting fact that he's Tonks' favourite teacher. Intriguing development. I can imagine this is going to play some more important role during their time in the Order.
The way you show Remus makes clear that he was a Marauder. The things he mentioned what he and the other three have done gives it more depth and lets me as the reader see his more carefree side. I also quite like the detail that Tonks took such a liking to Lily that she "colours" her hair like Lily - which unsettles Severus quite a bit. You truly do know how to include details that enrich the story.
What I also quite like is the relationship between Tonks and Charlie. He wants more but she doesn't feel like he does, and that brings them close to destroying their friendship. I really do hope that Charlie and Tonks remain friends. It would be a pity if it were destroyed.
Comma-wise, I didn't notice any mistakes, but once or twice you didn't put a question mark when there was one needed, like for example in the sentence “You’re not going to tell me where you were, are you,” he said bitterly.
Looking forward to read more!
Author's Response: YAY! No comma mistakes.Bine, I'm so pleased you're enjoying this story because I love writing it. Tonks and Charlie - you'll have to wait and see, but he is in a few more chapters. I don't like Snape, but he's an extremely interesting character and intriguing to write. There will be some more scenes with Snape - especially when they're both working for the Order. Thank you for reviewing. Carole xxx
Carole, this was a great first chapter and a wonderful beginning to a chaptered story. I loved it. It was fantastically written, and really entertaining to read it. I could laugh and giggle and snort and everything – it got me hooked from the first moment on and I enjoyed it immensely.
What surprised me – but made it all more charming – is that you gave Andromeda the nickname of our own beloved Meda. *squishes Meda and Carole* In other stories about Andromeda Tonks I’ve seen her nickname being Andy, but Meda is a really nice and refreshing change.
[…] Nymphadora excited was a wonderful sight to see as her hair kept changing like a kaleidoscope.
This is such a great sentence. It shows perfectly that Tonks, even as a (small) child, had a thing about changing her hair. You didn’t need the word “Metamorphmagus” to explain her powers, but with “changing like a kaleidoscope” it’s already described what you mean because everybody has seen or possessed a kaleidoscope in their life. It’s multicoloured, it’s great and everyone loves a kaleidoscope – exactly like Tonks: multicoloured hair, great personality, and everyone loves her to pieces, like you show later in the chapter, when Lily and the other Marauders come to visit Sirius. She’s just adorable, and I like how you portrayed her as a child. Can’t wait to see how you write her as an adult.
What made me stumble in the above mentioned part of a sentence is the beginning – Nymphadora excited. I honestly had to stop reading and thought, “What?” I went back, believing I misread something. You see, I’d thought it should be “an excited Nymphadora” rather than what you’ve written. It’s not bad how you’ve written it, but in the first moment, I was rather puzzled because I had never before heard or seen it.
But going on: The following dialogue made me laugh out loud. “Where is he, Mum?” – “Probably still asleep,” […] – “I’ve been up for hours!” Ahahahahahahaha, I love the humour you brought into it. *chuckles and reads on*
What gave me some troubles when reading where hyphens and dashes. Sometimes you used hyphens instead of where dashes were needed, like here: But Bellatrix had always had a darker side – darker even than black – lurking in her eyes, a darkness that repelled Sirius. And when there was need for a hyphen, at least in my opinion, you didn’t either make one, like it should be here: Andromeda looked across at the black-haired young man lounging in an armchair. or you made them but with a space afterwards although there shouldn’t be a space, like here: Then try this, my little partner-in-crime. Of course, especially with the second example I might be mistaken; in that case please ignore me. :o But this kind of “mistakes” (for lack of a better word) disturbed me a bit. It’s not grave, but it let me stumble over the text more than once, forcing me to go back a paragraph to reread it much slower to get the sentences because my mind was busy with solving the riddle of “dash or hyphen?”. I really suggest you space the dashes from the surrounding texts, much similar as to how I do it even within this review, and look into not spacing hyphens.
And I noticed two other small mistakes:
I don’t know really know either. – Shouldn’t that be with only one “know”?
Nymphadora, why don’t you go and find some biscuits. – This is, as far as I know, a question. Therefore it should have a question mark rather than a period at the end of the sentence.
[…] we have nicknames.”
“What are they?” she enquired.
“James is Prongs, Remus is Moony and Peter is Wormtail,” he replied.
“What silly names. I’d rather be something cool. What do they call you?” she asked.
“Padfoot. Is that cool?” He widened his eyes imploringly in what he hoped was a cute manner.
She considered. “S’okay I suppose. Better than Moony- that’s just silly!”
Sirius chuckled, “Remus will be so pleased to hear that.”
*snorts* That’s so adorable. I can really feel that she hates her given name and wants to be called differently. And this small part also shows that you know how children of that age can be. It’s really realistically written, and mixed with a humorous touch which makes it just adorable.
What I also loved was the flashback. The Black Family and stories about them are my favourites, and reading a small flashback with Sirius as a child was extraordinary. But two small nitpicks I have found and want to share with you: Sirius’ mother’s name is Walburga, and in this sentence, there should be a comma after “no”: No, he can’t.
And another thing I noticed: punctuations. There were some places (two or three I believe) where there was a period missing at the end, and some quotation marks were off – either set in the wrong place or missing or opening instead of closing. Have a look out for that one. It’s not grave or bad, but for someone like me who tends to carefully check the punctuation when reading, it was annoying when seeing something off and not being able to go and edit it. lol
Another laughable scene was when Sirius learnt Lily is pregnant and Tonks asks how the baby comes into her belly. *gigglesnorts* Just too adorable – I see why Lily had difficulties staying all composed and not saying “Aww, she’s so adorable” but rather “Wow, you’re cool, kid.” LOL Greatly done, I really like it. And I like it even more that you’ve written it with this humorous touch. This is what makes the chapter so entertaining to read.
But the end gets darker and a lot sadder, and in my opinion it beautifully ends a great first chapter. The last paragraphs and scenes are indicating that something’s wrong with Peter, and no one other than a six year old child picks it up. I’m always surprised at what children notice whereas we adults are blinded already and don’t see it because we just can’t see it. The same with how Tonks saw Peter and Sirius’ reaction towards it:
“I’d like to see Lily again,” she murmured.
“Not the others?” he said.
“Well,” she said, turning her head to one side as she considered. “James was funny, but...”
“What is it? Are you scared of something, Tonks?”
She looked up at him, her big dark eyes looked slightly fearful.
“Is it Moony?” he said, wondering how on earth she’d managed to pick up that he was a werewolf and wondering how the hell he was going to explain to her that he wasn’t scary.
“No,” she replied. “It wasn’t Moony- he just seemed sort of sad.” She paused. “It was Peter.”
“Peter,” he said laughing. “He wouldn’t hurt a fly!”
It makes me happy to know that at least someone was there who noticed Peter’s oddness, but at the same time I’m sad that little Tonks will never see Lily and James again. And now you’ve done it; I’m crying over the end of your story! *sniefs, sobs, cries* See it as a compliment that I could get emotionally touched which doesn’t happen with every fanfiction I read – only the better ones.
Carole, I can only repeat what I already said at the beginning: that’s a fantastic first chapter, and I can’t wait to go on with chapter two. *squishes*
PS: This review is long enough to be a one-shot itself. It’s over 1,200 words long. O.O Hehee… *skips off hurriedly*
Author's Response: Awwww! Thank-you. Firstly thank-you so much for your nit-picks. To be honest I have no idea what the difference is between a hyphen and a dash (Oh the shame!) and yes you're right about the missing question marks and stuff. I shall look into that and re-edit. I'm glad you liked Tonks as a child. Some of those things she said came directly from my daughters mouth (she's 6 and "'lergic to eggs") and the bit where James says "Very carefully" about the baby getting into Lily's tummy was a direct quote from my husband (ha ha) I can't believe I got Walburga's name wrong- that is rubbish and shall be amended post-haste! You've written a one shot for a review- WOW! Glad you liked 'Meda' as her nickname I always think 'Dromeda' sounds awful. Thank-yo again- marvellous review.
It took me some time to get to read on, but now that I did, chapter four proves to be a very entertaining and especially worthwhile read.
I really enjoyed the scenes with the house-elves and then during the Christmas dinner. You’ve woven Tonks’ clumsiness nicely into it, and the elves’ reactions are just so cute and funny when Tonks asks to help. *chuckles* Wonderful. I could practically imagine Tonks’ enthusiasm at helping them with their dinner preparations, and all the while, I got the picture in my head where the “helping” ends like in OotP when Tonks knocks over a chair.
What was also really interesting is the whispered conversation of Sev and Tonks at the table about Quidditch. I found it to be typical for Severus to give any house other than Gryffindor the favour as long as only his Slytherins are the victorious ones in the end. I also like Tonks’ reaction to when he mentions her festive hair. Besides, the Headmaster practically ordered me to do something festive. is one of my favourite passages of the chapter.
The article of Rita Skeeter shocked me. I can imagine what Tonks went through in that moment, but what I can’t quite understand was why Charlie would do something like that. Then again, when thinking about it, it’s Rita’s “talent” to twist words and meanings so much that such horrible articles come out of it. But with the Gryffindor team minus Charlie having had a hand in this, it clears some questions I got when reading the part with the article.
What I also adore is the broader impressions with the houses. You’ve shown extraordinarily the prejudices that rule the thinking of people’s minds. Gryffindors are brave, but so are Hufflepuffs, and Tonks is a wonderful example. But people don’t want to see that. Also, the Gryffindors are set against Slytherin, but truly, is Slytherin a bad house only because a few people turned out to be dark wizards? I really love that you show all of this here, so open and yet at the same time so subtly interwoven into the plot. Bravo, Carole. Truly magnificent work.
And what is even more magnificent is the game itself. Trying to beat Potter’s record is a really great idea. Tonks is so fired up that she would do anything to show the Gryffindors their place. The characterisation you pulled off in these scenes, not only the one of Tonks but from Charlie as well, is bravissimo. Don’t you dare, Wood. You and my brothers got us into this, I’ll try and get us out by catching the Snitch, but don’t you dare ruin her momentum! is such a great line; it conveys a wonderful message, and I can easily imagine the tone with what Charlie has shouted it. He wants his team to win, of course, but he is still loyal enough to Tonks to give her this victory.
Remus’ appearance at the game surprises me a bit. But it is a nice twist to have him see her play Quidditch. I like it as it gives the chapter a beautiful touch.
The entire second half of the chapter makes it really emotional for me. First the Hufflepuffs cheering for Tonks, then her victory in breaking the record and her words in “Sorry, James,” she yelled, and she lifted her face to the heavens, “but that one’s for Sirius!”, and finally the conversation amongst the adults about Sirius and James and how they would have reacted to Tonks’ new record – it all makes me cry. The chapter is built up to that point fantastically, and the cliffhanger at the end is totally not what I saw coming.
Carole, this is one of the best chapters I’ve ever read, and you have my entire respect for that. It’s a master example of tension, humour and emotional moments mixed together into one single chapter. You told me you like this chapter best, and I completely agree with you. I can’t say with words how much I love this chapter; I can only applaud you. *gives standing ovation*
Author's Response: EEEEEP *gets hit by a Bludger*. WOW! Bine, thatnk you so much for a fantastic review. Honestly this was my favourite chapter to write, but the one I had the most trouble with (it got rejected twice). I am so incredibly pleased you liked it. I think I explain more about Charlie and article in the next chapter but can't rememeber. He wasn't nasty at all - it was all Rita!
I don't know if you've noticed but I'm a bit biased towards Hufflepuff *wonder why*.
Thank you so much for such a fabulous review. I'm grinning like a Cheshire Cat!
Ohh, what a cliffhanger! You couldn’t do it more gripping, could you? Now it’s late and I can’t go on reading… *sighs*
Anyway. What an interesting chapter! I really like that Tonks is so “obsessed” with Sirius being innocent, and that she tries to prove it by brewing Veritaserum. Nice plot development there. Love it. Also, the relationship with Charlie is just fitting nicely. Pity she doesn’t feel the same for him he feels for her.
I also quite like Severus’ characterisation. He’s so sarcastically written, and Tonks’ wit in her responses to him is brilliant. You really do know how to characterise Tonks. I marvel at it. She’s funny, she’s witty, she’s a person you have to like instantly. Great job.
Though, I noticed some mistakes in punctuation. You missed – twice or thrice – the opening or closing speech marks, making it a bit confusing while reading. Also, sometimes, I missed a comma, like for example in the sentence As she stashed them in her trunk she spilt some of the ground Newt powder over her T shirt. where there should be one after “in her trunk”. And shouldn’t “T-shirt” be hyphenated, too? Also, I noticed some commas that would do better as semi-colons or periods: “It’s six thirty in the morning, he’s probably asleep,” snapped the Fat Lady.
But all in all, a great chapter. Can’t wait to read on and find out about Remus’ reaction!
Author's Response: I have to say that this particular cliff was my favourite. That girl really knows how to get herself into trouble. I'm so pleased you like Tonks. She is my absolute favourite character so I'm glad you see her as well rounded. Remus' reaction is pretty cool too. Snape was fun to write. I didn't want him to be as unsympathetic as he is in the real books because I figured he wouldn't be quite so bitter before Harry turned up.
I shall attend to the punctuation slips. I was wondering if I could get away with callin it a comma splice ...
Perhaps not! Thanks for the review, Bine. Carole xxx