Penname: luinrina [Contact]
Real name: Sabine, but Bine is much better
Member Since: 09/05/07
Website:
Beta-reader: No
Status: Member
Bio:
Welcome to my Author's Page
Banner by Meda


You can call me luinrina or Bine. I am
+ a proud Hufflepuff (banners by Heather and Lucia)
+ a (sometimes) inspired poet (banner by Meda), and
+ (if my muse cooperates) a fairly wordy writer.

~*~

List of completed one-shots:

Across the Pumpkin
A little one-shot about how Lily and Sirius became friends. Inspired by an inhouse challenge: Sirius, Lily, and a pumpkin.

Be Strong From Within
So far a one-shot about Ginny's sixth year. Originally written for the Back to School inhouse challenge on the beta boards. Received second place.

Divided
So far a one-shot about two friends and their Sorting. Written as the final for the Being British class, summer 2009, on the beta boards.

Envy and Fondness
This is a one-shot about the friendship of Lily and Severus. The arrival of James ensures that trouble is about to happen.

Fears - and Hope
Originally written for the Perfect Plot in a Prologue Challenge in June/July 2008: How would I introduce the Harry Potter series? Received first place.

In Due Time
Banner by Sitara
This one-shot is a foray into D/A and features Lucy Herberg, an OC. It was inspired by a discussion about Metamorphmagi in the Hufflepuff common room on the beta boards.

Left Behind
Banner by Helen
This one-shot was a co-author-project with Helen (helz_belz) for the Interhouse Co-op Challenge in the Great Hall on the Beta Boards. It features Anna Krum, the famous Quidditch player Viktor Krum's grandmother, and her story in the year 1944.
Received First Place.

Long Lost Lupine Laugh
Banner by Meda
This is a one-shot about Remus Lupin and how he prepares for his new teaching position at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Rubia
A tiny one-shot about Hagrid and Olympe Maxime becoming parents. Written for the I Challenge Thee Challenge (September) on the Beta Boards.

Sage
A longer one-shot about Susan Bones, her friends and family, and a mystery that hid below her living room. Written for the extra credit challenge of the Bookbasilisk Summer challenge, One Flew Over The Fwooper's Nest.

Spes Vernus
A short story about Andromeda a year after the Battle of Hogwarts. It was my first foray into second person POV. Originally written for the May drabble challenge in SPEW, then expanded to a one-shot.

The Bridge to Happiness
Banner by Rhi
A little one-shot about an afternoon of Sirius' and Regulus' childhood. This has been inspired by the third week of the Drabble Brawl, round two.

This Is Where You Belong
Banner by Sitara
A one-shot for the Winter Snows challenge. Harry reflects about the Christmases he has experienced.

Want You To Want Me
A one-shot about Scorpius Malfoy and Rose Weasley, written for SPEW LoveNotes 2009. Romance.

Whispers From Azkaban
A dialogue between brothers. Written for the Bookbasilisk Summer Challenge, Gift of Gab.


List of poems:

Always The Same, Yet Always Different
Banner by Meda
This is a (very long) Sorting Hat's song, poem-style, written for the extra credit challenge in the Summer Challenge 2008. Complete.

Black but Bright
Banner by Kate
This is a poem about the Black brothers Sirius and Regulus. Complete.

Free
A short poem about how Sirius managed to break out from Azkaban. Complete.

From the Ashes: The Order of the Phoenix
Banner by Meda
This is a two-part poem about the Order of the Phoenix, of which the second part is still not done.

Full Moon
Banner by Suzie
A little sonnet in English rhyming style about Lycantrophy and the curse of being a werewolf. Complete.

What Imagination Has To Offer
A poem about fantasy and imagination, with stanzas in haiku-form. Complete.


List of series:

A Christmas To Remember
A wintery one-shot about Draco and Astoria and the birth of their son. Written for the Christmas SPEW swap 2008, for Alison (R_Ravenclaw).

A Truth Universally Acknowledged
This is a one-shot featuring Draco and Astoria and how their relationship began. Prequel to A Christmas To Remember, written for SPEW LoveNotes 2009.

Valara Series

Arising From Nothing...
A one-shot about the founders and how Hogwarts came to be built. Prequel.

Black Series

Shining Through Blackness
Banner by Lucia
This is the story about Isla Black and how she came to love a Muggle-born whereas her family was set on marrying her into an influential pure-blood family. This story is posted up to chapter seventeen. On hold.
First story (1).

What Is To Happen
Banner by Meda
This is the story I've written for Round 7 of the Gauntlet, featuring Isla Black. Four chapters, complete.
Companion to Shining Through Blackness (1.1).

From Here On Out
A songfic to Decode by Paramore. Written for SPEW 007 in 2009.
Companion to Shining Through Blackness (1.2).

Checkmate
Banner by me
A compliant story (may be chaptered, so far it's a one-shot only) to my Shining Through Blackness series. The story is a co-author-project with Terri (mudbloodproud).


List of uncompleted chaptered stories and their status:

Magical Moments - A Special Issue
The Marauders have to serve detention and are set to help writing the current month's school paper edition. The story is chaptered and posted up to chapter two. It's currently, sadly, resting due to time constraint and lack of further inspiration, but I will continue it one day.

Vain Or - C'est ton Destin
I adopted this (medieval) plot bunny from Pinkcess of the Abyss in the Adoption Centre. It features Harry growing up not with the Dursleys, but in the Founders' era. The story is AU, and the prologue and first chapter are up.


I try to keep that list up to date, but I'm rather bad at writing and keeping to lists...

I hope you enjoy my stories. Feel free to contact me if you have questions about them.

~Bine
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Reviews by luinrina
 

Loved and Lost by coolh5000
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 16]

Summary: Past Featured StorySitting in his History of Magic lesson in mid-June, Sixth-year Teddy Lupin has a sudden feeling of unease. Unable to explain it, he pushes the feeling aside, but can't seem to shake the idea that something has gone seriously wrong. Only later that evening does he finally find out what, and then his world changes forever.

This was written for SPEW 007 with the prompt, 'ache' This is quite an angsty one-shot - you have been warned!

Categories: Next Generation Genre: Warnings: Character Death

Word count: 3028 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
05/23/09 Updated: 05/23/09


Reviewer: luinrina Signed
Date: 09/29/09 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Hannah, this is an exquisite one-shot. I found it to be very emotional, touching me like a story about death and loss should touch a person. Beautiful work, I’m really impressed.

I very much liked how Teddy felt a moment of unease when Andromeda died. It showed that he was very close to her, that he loved her deeply and therefore to feel the moment of her passing, of course without realising what it meant. It reminded me of what my mum experienced when her father died; she saw a group of crows rise from the field she was passing and felt the same unease and emptiness in her stomach you described in the story. It’s therefore very realistically described, even when Teddy shrugged it off, but never losing the feeling of being sick and alone. I also very much loved the thoughts he had, wondering what it was that caused that feeling in his stomach, thinking that something bad happened to someone of the Weasley family. You thus showed us a very caring Teddy, who did not only love his own flesh and blood, but the surrogate families that gave him all the love they had because the adults knew his parents. That was a really great characterisation.

That you took the time to introduce us to how close Teddy and Victoire were, without letting it take over the story, you also nicely foreshadowed the role Victoire is going to play in Teddy’s life. That she is then the first to comfort him only adds to that future image you charmed into my head. I can easily imagine the two of them going to be an extremely well-fit couple.

And while writing this review, remembering the one-shot in its glory details, I’m crying about Teddy’s loss. We never got to really know Andromeda in the books, but through Teddy’s love for her, you created emotions in me that let me mourn her death as if I had known Andromeda in person. This one-shot showed me that you can describe emotions very well and link your readers to characters we don’t know so much about. It’s a gift you have there, a really wonderful one.

Probably my favourite part was And in that instant – from that one simple question – he couldn’t hold himself in any more and, in a way that he had not done since he was five, he started to cry. Until this point, you build the story up beautifully, capturing your readers in Teddy’s thoughts and entire being. I felt like I was Teddy.

However, in my opinion, the paragraphs that followed after that – in my opinion – climax, took a bit away from the emotional intensity. I found explicit descriptions of his sadness and mourning to be missing, and would have very much liked to see those, as they would have pulled me even deeper into Teddy’s loss. I still like how you continued the story from the climax, but it could have been a tad stronger, without ever going overboard, as the reader would be deeply immersed in the story and much stronger feel what Teddy felt.

That aside, like I said at the beginning, the story is exquisite like it is, and I truly loved reading it. Your style of narration let the story flow easily, catching the reader and keeping them interested. I wanted to find out what this feeling Teddy experienced was, and your story allowed me to do so while still taking in everything that went on around Teddy. Fantastic work, Hannah. Thank you for a very lovely read.

 

The Writer by Sainyn Swiftfoot
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 10]

Summary: Past Featured Story

A writer struggling with writer's block.

A bedtime story.

A legend. 

 

Winner of Best History/Mystery in the '09 QSQ's. Thank you!



Categories: Historical Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2493 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
05/27/09 Updated: 06/05/09


Reviewer: luinrina Signed
Date: 06/06/09 Title: Chapter 1: The Writer

What an interesting one-shot, BB. From the title – which is simple yet so perfectly fitting – over the summary to the story itself, it’s marvellous. When I started reading it, I couldn’t imagine where you would be going with this or how the story would unfold. But once I finished reading, I was literally blown away.

I love your main character. Thomas is an ordinary man, albeit a writer, but one that suffers from lack of inspiration. With Thomas you created a character everyone who writes themselves can relate to perfectly, especially when they struggle from writer’s block. And adding that Thomas writes to earn money for his family adds a pressure that everyone who considers writing as their profession will probably experience sometime in their lives. I loved the very realistic impression of the profession “author” you gave, painting a clear picture of it, without any sugar-coating.

The language you used and the tone of the story Thomas told his daughter I found very suitable for children. It’s easy to read, to follow and to get lost in. The simplicity of the language reminds me of the fairytales I read when I was a child. And yet, despite the simplicity, you included so many aspects that convey important messages, like the fairytales with their morals. To name just two of the morals you included and that I loved most: generosity towards those in need, and honesty.

The encounter the writer in Thomas’ story has with the man on top of the hill shows perfectly that generosity will be rewarded, and that children should be generous towards people who need it. Even if the reward doesn’t follow immediately like in Thomas’ story, it will come eventually, like Thomas himself experiences. He showed generosity towards his daughter in telling her the story when he could have gone to his desk and continue writing instead. But he didn’t and in the end he finds inspiration to write as his reward. I love your double take on the moral, interweaving two plots into a grander picture.

The other moral I found especially important is honesty. Having Thomas’ writer despair so much that he risks everything and takes the luck potion for the competition is cheating. He wins the competition, brings back the prize money and has success with his story, but the feeling of victory and the fame that resulted out of it won’t last forever. The “reward” for cheating comes when he can’t fulfil his friends’ requests for another bestseller, to use a modern word, and has another writer’s block. Though, I wonder if someone would turn into a screaming madman after only a week of no food and a wash. I found the writer’s drastic development in only one week a bit unrealistic. However, I could imagine that a longer period – like several weeks or months – could actually do that, especially if someone isn’t concentrating on anything else but that one thing. And even though I doubt the time period, I found your description of what the writer went through very intriguing. He hardly ate anything, he hardly moved. He sat in a corner, rocking himself slowly, muttering to himself. His stomach churned, his head ached, his entire boddy felt clammy. […] He was utter unrecognisable, with his skin seemingly stretched tight and taut over his bones. He was paler than the moon, and he his hair and clothes were in absolute disarray. To me, it read as if he was suffering from withdrawal of something, a drug maybe. And yet, the man’s drug is not a drug like we know it but writing. One can talk oneself into something so much that it becomes an obsession, and writing is no exception. And the effects of such an obsession you showed beautifully. I liked this, especially how you included that into your story. Fantastic job.

Another thing I loved about your story is the link to Rowling’s universe. You never gave the potions’ name, but from the description and the effects it had on the writer it’s clear that it can only be Felix Felicis. Also, that the writer is a wizard and has to do something to earn himself a living despite possessing the ability to do magic brings us back to the hard reality the profession as an author entails. With this you draw parallels between Thomas and the writer, but also between us authors on MNFF and the characters you created for this story, making it easier for the readers to get hooked in and relate to the characters. Additionally, the “name-dropping” of Shakespeare participating in the writing competition gives me an idea of the time era you set the story in, but you still keep it vague enough for the reader to use their own imagination.

Coming to the ending of the story, I have only one word to say: Superb. The way the main plot and plot of the bedtime story are tied together is just beautifully crafted, and to reveal Thomas’ family name in the last two paragraphs, having him choose the pseudonym of “Beedle the Bard”, is surprising, romantic and absolutely perfect. BB, this one-shot is the work of a master. Everything – plot, characterisation, morals, tone and language – it fits together perfectly, providing parents with an enjoyable bedtime story but also a very educational read for every generation. You have my utter respect for that.

~Bine

Author's Response: The only reason I didn't respond to this review is because my jaw was hanging waay too low and was getting in the way of my hands. >.>

What I'm trying to say is that this review is bloody amazing. Completely bloody amazing. I suppose I shall try to respond in a professional and coherent manner, shall I? XD

Like I said in a previous response, I think that most of us on this site can identify with Thomas. Struggling with writer's block, wondering if all of this is worth it, not being able to churn out a single word, and yet knowing-- somehow knowing that this is our future, this is what we want to do-- to write.

A pet peeve of mine is a child talking incredibly precociously, or an adult using words a mile long while telling a story to a child. If you've spent any time with children, you know that you're not going to use long, flowery words while saying a story-- you're going to make it simple, funny, and personal.

Some of Beedle's actual stories seem to have obvious, in-your-face morals, while some have morals that are a little less so. I tried to find the happy medium between them. >.<

Hmm, you have a point about it being only a week before he goes mad... I don't think I ever mentioned that it was just a few weeks, but if that's the impression people get from that, I think I should change it. :D

Thanks again for the absolutely lovely review, Bine! It really made my day. :D

 

Drowning in Darkness by MerrryD
Rated: Professors [Reviews - 8]

Summary:

Narcissa Black was fine.

She was doing well in school, her sister was getting married, and she had a boyfriend.

Oh, yes, she had a boyfriend. Dark, tall, enchanting Rabastan Lestrange. He was every Slytherin girl’s fantasy. Narcissa had been dreaming about him for years. And now he was all hers.

But Lucius Malfoy was worried about her.



Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: Abuse, Mild Profanity, Sexual Situations, Violence

Word count: 3315 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
06/15/09 Updated: 06/25/09


Reviewer: luinrina Signed
Date: 07/30/09 Title: Chapter 1: Hey, girl, you know you drive me crazy

This left me absolutely – excuse the pun – breathless, Mere. I really, really loved your story. It was very intense in the emotions, so dark and feeling real. I also thought that in relation to what women find in violent men/husbands it was very well described and written; people who haven’t experienced the same can only shake their heads. At first, I found myself doing the same, but your marvellous writing pulled me in and let me experience the story as if I was in Narcissa’s stead. I could understand her reasons and why she kept with Rabastan instead of leaving him.

I very much loved your characterisation, too, especially Narcissa’s. You wonderfully portrayed the duty she feels as a pure-blood daughter of the Black family, but also the allurement that is Rabastan Lestrange. And at the end, it becomes clear why she would leave Rabastan and take Lucius, who she knows for a long time already and who cares about her well-being. I found it all enchanting, educational and at the same time very entertaining in the sense of a very enjoyable read.

What amazed me most was that this story came from the word “breath” alone, and yet it fits very well. The word is interwoven throughout the story, giving it its meaning. Narcissa loves, with love often being seen as the “breath of life”, and yet she loses her breath when Rabastan beats her. I found the plot, the meaning of the story to be exquisitely mastered. You did a fantastic job with this one-shot, Mere, dear. It leaves me in awe.

Very well done.

 

The Truth Behind the Hatred by mudbloodproud
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 11]

Summary: Severus Snape always hated Neville Longbottom. He treated him as bad if not worse than he treated Harry Potter.

Neville Longbottom has been teaching at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for fifteen years. Over the course of time, he has come in contact with the portrait of Severus Snape in the Headmistress’ office on several occasions.

It seemed dying had not lessened Snape’s hatred of Neville at all. What happens one day when Neville is asked to come to the Headmistress’ office and alone in the office, confronts Snape over his treatment of him? Will Neville finally learn the truth?



Categories: Post-Hogwarts Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1926 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
06/29/09 Updated: 06/29/09


Reviewer: luinrina Signed
Date: 07/06/09 Title: Chapter 1: The Truth Uncovered

Why? Why did you stop there, Terri? I want to read more! Why did Severus do it for himself? What did he hope to accomplish?

Terri, hon, that is a really great story. I love it. I marvel how you came up with that reasoning why Severus Snape always hated Neville. It makes so much sense and explains everything: Why Severus targeted Neville so often at school, why he told Voldemort about the prophecy he eavesdropped on. Just brilliant. You truly have a very deep understanding of the universe.

What I also liked was Neville’s characterisation. He has come a long way from the frightened and clumsy boy he was in his first years to the man with experience in fighting against dark magic in his teenager years. I, too, believe that he would stand up to Severus and demand an answer to why he had always been bullied. The characterisation of Neville is executed marvellously.

And the one of Severus as well. He never showed emotions, only when Lily was concerned. I therefore think that the sentence Hating you would imply I have feelings one way or another for you shows brilliantly what kind of man Severus was: emotional on the inside, but never showing it, appearing as a cold and hard man. Your depiction of Severus is how I perceive him from what I know from the books.

However, I doubt the following statement of Neville: I don’t for one second think had he killed me he would have stopped. He still would have gone after Harry. And Lily Potter still would have died to save her son. In my opinion, it implies that Neville didn’t believe that his own mother would have done the same Lily had done for Harry. How would Neville know? Yes, he knows his mother, but only as what she became after Bellatrix’s tortured her and Neville’s father. Even if Neville’s relatives told him what people his parents were, I doubt that they would know if Alice would have stood in front of her son or not. With Neville thinking that his mother wouldn’t have done so – I believe he thinks this because that’s how I interpret the statement – he shows that he has a not so good impression of his own mother. But why when all he knew of Alice is what he heard of others and saw her “insane” self in St. Mungo’s?

Also, I believe that Severus would have picked up on that. Maybe not right away; after all, Neville just told Severus head on what he had done wrong in regard to Lily. But, eventually, I think Severus would question it because he is a very smart man. I would have loved to see the conversation both Neville and Severus then have. Maybe it justifies another chapter? *is hopeful*

All in all, however, like I already said, I love this story, Terri. It’s gripping, it’s canon reliant, it’s funny and at the same time heartbreakingly sad, and it’s enlightening. Let me at the end congratulate you on that story. Also, I think you should write more about Neville’s time and stress with the Weasley and Potter offspring in his position as Gryffindor’s Head of House.

Thank you for an enjoyable read.

~Bine

 

Letters From Hogwarts by mudbloodproud
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 20]

Summary: Past Featured StoryIn Britain, there are two birthdays that are waited for with bated breath by witches and wizards alike. The first is turning eleven. This birthday brings an owl bearing a letter to Hogwarts.

For some, getting their letter does not go as planned. In this series, you will discover the day several witches and wizards received their letter and why it wasn’t just a normal day.

I wish to thank my beta, Alyssa (harry4lif).

I do not own anything your recognise in this story. It all belongs to J.K. Rowling. I am just thankful to be able to play in her world for a little while.

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2470 Chapters: 2 Completed: No
Published:
07/05/09 Updated: 08/15/09


Reviewer: luinrina Signed
Date: 08/11/09 Title: Chapter 1: James Sirius Potter

*chuckles* This was lovely, my dear. For a moment, I really thought he had done something horrible, especially when Albus said Uh oh, she used your whole name. But as soon as the letter came forward, I knew what it was. Nonetheless, it was funny that Ginny and Harry kept playing this game. I had a giggling attack when James said But, I didn’t do anything. This time, I really didn’t. *giggles uncontrollably*

Terri, I found this to be a sweet little moment between the five Potters. The characterisation of all five is executed marvellously. Especially Lily shows signs of the hotheadedness that were her namesake and mother. It’s a nice touch, to know that she is just as tough as her brothers. I also liked the dynamics between them as a family. Albus kept to James, although I can imagine James played the one or other trick on his younger siblings. The above quoted statement of his suggests as much, at least. But I think it’s lovely that they keep together in the moment of “danger”. *chuckles* The joke of Harry and Ginny in surprise for their oldest son is just great. I love the idea. :)

I had some trouble keeping up with Harry and Ginny and their standing positions. I got as far as that Ginny received a – supposedly – soothing hug, and the next I noticed was that Harry was taking her into his arms once again. When did she step away? The sentence She walked over to him; wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his chest once more. indicates that there were at least a couple of steps distance between them. (Besides, the semi-colon should be a comma.) It made me wonder…

What let me take a double take, too, was this passage:

Harry chuckled. “Looks like Albus decided to run with our little joke,” he said, “just follow my lead.”

“Ginny, you know it is for the best,” he said, pretending he didn’t hear the two children approaching.


To me it looks like there is a part missing. If not, I find it strange that you would divide Harry’s speech onto two lines. Like it is now, it reads a bit awkward, however. It just feels like there is missing something.

All criticisms aside, I found this to be a lovely and sweet little one-shot. Is this supposed to become a series of one-shots like “Visits From Fred”? Can’t wait to read the other instalments.

~Bine

Author's Response: Bine,
Thank you for your review. I will read through this again and fix Harry and Ginny's movements. Hmm, I didn't even notice that. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks again, Terri

 
Reviewer: luinrina Signed
Date: 08/15/09 Title: Chapter 2: Albus Severus Potter

*giggles loudly* Brilliant second chapter, Terri. Loved it!

You truly have some ideas with pranks. The first was done nicely, the second one was just as great. I absolutely loved how the children play pranks where the letters from Hogwarts – an important event in their lives – are concerned. I can’t wait to read what both Albus and James come up with when Lily is to receive her letter.

What I found also really well-mastered was how Harry sat down with James and dealt with it. I liked that Harry gave his son the chance to realise for himself that he did something wrong in hurting his brother. I believe that learning something by doing it alone, like realising something was or went wrong, has a greater effect than simply telling. A child – and adults just as much – needs to gain the experience on its own. And you showed that nicely. I also found how you described James fighting a war in his head to be perfect. It suited the situation just nicely. Great job, hon.

Like in the first chapter, the humour in the second chapter was expertly executed. My favourite part was James’ Mum told me not to move. *chuckles* It shows that he is afraid of when his mother starts giving out crisp orders, for a reason I believe; I can imagine Ginny to be a strict mother from time to time. I therefore like that with this simple sentence you majorly characterised two people at once: Ginny with her temper but at the same time concern about her children’s well-beings, as well as James being a pranker, like his uncles and namesakes. It’s true to what we know from canon, and still something of your own. Marvellously done.

What I wondered was why you divide sentences into different paragraphs when they actually belong to the same unit of sense, or if they are spoken by the same person and could be united into one paragraph, like here:

Ginny looked from the letter to James. “James, do not move a muscle,” she said as she turned her attention to her youngest son.

“Albus, I am sure this is not your real letter-”


I think there’s no need to separate them. It’s a bit confusing as it is.

Also, the last thing Harry said – while funny, foreshadowing and totally valid – is sounding a bit too American for him, in my opinion. I haven’t seen a Brit say “Oh boy”, but I know that you as an American do it rather often. While Harry lives in a modern Great Britain where American expressions have probably found their way into the everyday language, I still doubt Harry would say something like that. I see him more saying something like “Oh my” instead.

Overall, however, this was another great chapter. I’m now totally waiting to see what is going to happen when Lily receives her letter. Besides, you should write about the prank Albus and James are going to play on Uncle George. ;)

Author's Response: Bine,
Thank you for your review. I fixed my mess-ups, thanks for pointing them out. I think you may have sparked my muse about the prank on Uncle George. I'll let her stew on it for a while though. Thanks again, Terri

 

The Summer of 1914 by MorganRay
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 2]

Summary:

“We never thought that any of this would change; we never thought of change at all. But we were the last generation of the Old South; that spring in the early fifties was our summer of 1914 . . . Like those other generations who were given to witness the guillotining of a world, we never expected it. And like that of our counterparts, our world seemed most beautiful just before it disappeared.”
~ David Lowe ~


The pressures of school are everywhere. The Third Task is looming. The future beckons. But to Cedric and Cho, the spring of 1995 is the best time to be alive. It is their summer of 1914.

MorganRay of Hufflepuff. Gift of Gab challenge one-shot.

Categories: Gift of Gab Genre: Warnings: Sexual Situations

Word count: 2264 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
07/06/09 Updated: 07/20/09


Reviewer: luinrina Signed
Date: 08/01/09 Title: Chapter 1: The Summer of 1914

Let me say that I liked this story, but I think you could have done more to make it brilliant.

You see, when I read the title, I was interested to see what the story is about as it is very eye catching. Then I read that brilliant summary of yours; the quote is just amazing and lets the summary be beyond words. I had very high expectations because of it, but once I finished reading, I felt a bit let down. Don’t take me wrong. I found the dialogue and the topics Cedric and Cho talked about very thorough and valid for a couple like they are, with him leaving school in a few weeks and she spending two more years at Hogwarts. I, too, would be worrying about what will happen would I be in such a relationship. But in my opinion this story would be more apt if more description was included. I particularly had liked to see more of the little pool with the waterfall. You only gently hinted, but a powerful description would have been better. It would have painted a more vivid image in my mind while reading. Like it is now, it confused me. When exactly did they arrive at the pool or climb in to take a bath? I wasn’t even entirely sure whether they were taking the bath or not, you know?

Also, I find you could have included their names more often to avoid confusion. It was particularly hard for me to see who is who at the beginning of the third scene. Who stood at the lake and who came down? I had to read it twice to really catch that it was Cho who came out to talk to Cedric from the comment studying for your O.W.L.s. Including at least one name in the first or second sentence of that scene would have made it even clearer.

Like I said above, I did like the topics they were talking about. It showed how mature Cho already was with her fifteen years of age. It also nicely showed what they felt for each other, that she feels a lot for Cedric and that Cho is deeply in love with him. What I found really great is how easy they could talk about doing it. There was no shame or stuttering, just a lot of trust in each other and their relationship. And I think trust is essential in a working relationship. You showed this wonderfully; it flowed so freely. The way they talked made it easy to follow their conversation. I also very much liked the idea with the discarded professor’s office and the divan. It’s very original and adds a beautiful touch to this romance.

Overall, I liked this one-shot, but I think – to fit the story better to the amazing summary – it needed more work. From the summary, I imagined a really beautiful and romantic scene. You hinted at it with the walk along the lake, the little pool and waterfall, but it didn’t really come across. In my opinion, adding narration once the competition is over would make this story perfect and an even more enjoyable read.

Author's Response: Thanks for your review. I'll go back and throw in their names a bit more to clear the fic up. I think it's a bit ironic that you think this fic feels incomplete. The word limit was 2000 (2100?), and when I originally wrote this fic, it was 3000 words, and I had to cut out a lot of dialogue.The last scene was MUCH longer, actually, but I decided to cut parts of it in favor or keeping most of the first scene where they decide to be intimate. I think, after the challenge is over, that I'm going to maybe add in description and turn this into a longer one shot. Thanks!!

 

A Difficult Conversation by DracoGurlFurever
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 14]

Summary: Draco Malfoy has asked Harry Potter for a meeting. When Harry arrives, curious to see what he might want, the revelations Draco makes are astounding. Will this very difficult conversation change the way the two men see each other? Will Harry be willing to help Draco?

Categories: Post-Hogwarts, Draco/Ginny Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe, Mild Profanity

Word count: 2735 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
07/31/09 Updated: 08/01/09


Reviewer: luinrina Signed
Date: 08/02/09 Title: Chapter 1: A Difficult Conversation

Well, I usually don’t read Draco/Ginny as I’m more of a canon shipper. But as you hinted you’d like a review from me, here I am. :)

Anyway. I thought this to be an interesting take on the pairing; it’s not like the usual romances you see in this category. Also, I liked that the pairing was explained through the conversation which was entertaining, to say the least. It didn’t stand in the foreground like in other stories which sets your story apart from the others. There were places where I snorted alongside Harry or smirked just like Draco. Nicely done, especially the distractions from the actual topic which made reading entertaining in the first place. Draco trying to avoid the topic until he had gathered enough courage to tell Harry was just brilliant. I really loved that, more so that it didn’t become boring or tedious to follow the conversation. It flowed freely and smoothly.

I also found that you did a good job on the characterisation, as Harry’s recklessness and trust in Hermione shone through as well as what makes Draco a typical Slytherin, with his believe in pure-blood supremacy and his smirks and snarls. However, at the beginning, I found the characterisation to be a bit weak – not OOC, just a bit weak. I can’t quite put my finger on it exactly; I only know that it didn’t quite feel as strong as in the books. But once you got the ball rolling, both men were characterised nicely.

What I found to be missing was the explanation how Draco fell in love with Ginny. The entire conversation Harry and Draco had was very convincing and believably written – it felt completely real and as if I was there – but the entire time I was asking myself how Draco and Ginny fell in love with each other. Draco said it was true love he felt for Ginny, but how did it happen? When? Why? Giving the readers an explanation for a non-canon pairing I think is vital to a story that isn’t about a pairing we know from the books.

What I was also wondering: Who is Harry’s wife? Hermione? It didn’t come across quite clearly. The entire time I thought he was married to Ginny which is why Harry reacted like he did, but when Draco said she’s his fiancée, it became clear Harry’s not married to Ginny. But to whom?

Overall, I really liked this story. It was well-written and believable, apart from the point of the missing reason for Draco’s feelings. Great work, Apurva. :)

~Bine

Author's Response: Haha thanks for the *lovely* review, Bine. I must say I couldn't resist having my reviewing professor write about my story ;) I'm so glad you found the story entertaining - I meant it to be a little funny (if not in the eligible-for-Humor-category way, at least in the snarky Draco way). I have to admit I had a little trouble with the characterization at the beginning, too, although like you I had trouble figuring out what to change and then decided to leave it as it was. I was inspired to write this after I read another Draco/Ginny story (one I'm betaing, called A Suitable Young Man) so I guess I took a few things for granted, like how they actually fall in love! Also, Harry's actually married to Hermione, haha - I meant that to be clearer from the get-go (when Draco tells Harry he didn't want Harry's wife to read it, Harry asks him not to insult Hermione). Anyway, thanks so much for the review! It was *amazing* to receive. *hug* Apurva.

 

Phoenix Flames by Equinox Chick
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 3]

Summary: A poem about the first task of the Triwizard Cup, held at Beauxbatons Academie in 2017.

This is connected to my fic 'Chasing the Scoop'. The journalist is Lavender Brown and the three champions are Jeunefleur - for Beauxbatons, Grindelwald - for Durmstrang, and Victoire Weasley - for Hogwarts.

I am not JK Rowling; I doubt that has shocked anyone here.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 192 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/05/09 Updated: 08/05/09


Reviewer: luinrina Signed
Date: 09/28/09 Title: Chapter 1: Phoenix Flames

This is really brilliant, Carole. Like I already told you several times before, your poems are amazing. They seem so simple and easy flowing, and yet I can see that it took you quite some time to perfect the poem like it is now.

I really liked about the poem that it told a story in a few stanzas, and yet it felt like I read an entire novel. The imagery you used in such a few words is so spectacular, painting a clear picture in my head, so that I could easily follow the poem’s plot without ever being deterred from the rhyme and rhythm.

And speaking of which: The rhyme scheme you chose is just beautiful and perfect for the plot of the poem. That each stanza has only three lines goes nicely with the Triwizard Cup theme. Additionally, that the third lie of an uneven-numbered stanza rhymes with the third line of the following stanza keeps every second stanza linked to the previous one, making them stand together even more. It all reads fluently as one piece because of this build up; it’s just amazing.

The rhythm is working great as well, keeping the poem smooth, and the reader interested and entertained at the same time. I really felt like I was there in the stands with Lavender, watching the first task. I also very much liked the portrayal of the characters, especially Victoire. In just a couple of words you showed her talents and her wit, her charm and her power. It’s a really short-kept but intense characterisation.

Carole, this poem is exceptional and evidence enough for me to tell you whole-heartedly that you’re a brilliant poet. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

Excellent work. Thank you for an amazing read.

Author's Response: It is wonderful to get a review that makes you feel it was all worth the work, rather than one that makes you want to chuck in the towel- so thank you very much for that. I am especially pleased that you've reviewed my poem because I know what a good poet you are, and that you're very appreciative. You're very authoritative, I just read things out loud and hope they sound right, but you analyse superbly. Thank you, again. I'm smiling and feel like dancing ~~~ in fact I think I will ~~~ *does jig* ~Carole~

 

Beyond Dragons by mudbloodproud
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 11]

Summary: Charlie Weasley is the one Weasley child who never married. His dragons were all he needed in his life. Or so he thought.

When Charlie visits his brother, Bill, to attend his anniversary party, he meets a Veela cousin. Suddenly, Charlie found himself fascinated by something other than his dragons. Could Antoinette by the woman to make Charlie see there is more to life than dragons?

Antoinette DuPree lost both her parents just a year ago. She found herself living with her aunt and uncle and slowly becoming more and more withdrawn. She went from being a pampered princess to feeling like a burden. She only agreed to go to England because she was thinking of moving there to get away from everything, to be alone.

This is the story of what happens when a man only concerned with dragons, meets a woman who opens his eyes to love.



Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: Mild Profanity, Sexual Situations

Word count: 6701 Chapters: 2 Completed: No
Published:
08/30/09 Updated: 10/04/09


Reviewer: luinrina Signed
Date: 09/04/09 Title: Chapter 1: The First Meeting

Ohh, what a lovely story! And it’s dedicated to me? *hugglesquishes* Thanks, hon. I truly love it.

I really liked how you set up the story, and especially how you started it. Getting into the action right away pulled me into the story and I felt as if I was in Charlie’s stead. I could easily imagine what it meant when the unexpected happened, although Charlie already had other plans. His thoughts being torn between his family and his job shows nicely how dedicated he is, and that he truly loves his dragons. The way you then showed how Charlie and Victoire act together is really sweet and shows that Charlie loves his large family just as much as the dragons. This love came across really well, especially in the way Charlie and Bill were play-wrestling on the floor, or later when Charlie spoke about Fred’s death. Even though the twins and Charlie weren’t that close in age, you managed to show perfectly that each of the Weasley siblings is close to the others, disregarding age differences. I found you did a great job in all those details and the characterisation of the Weasleys. All of it – the details, the set-up, the characterisation – immediately pulled me in and let me experience the family dynamics just nicely, setting a calm and relaxing pace of the story. I truly enjoyed reading it; it created a bubble of warmth and happiness in my stomach.

The way you described Charlie’s first meeting with Antoinette was interesting. I especially loved how you explained what Charlie felt when he touched her hand for the first time: he felt as he did when he had stuck a spoon in the little white box at one of his childhood Muggleborn friend’s house. I laughed out loud when I read that. In fact, I laughed a lot while reading. When I wasn’t laughing, I smiled the entire time. It’s a really well-written first chapter for a surely brilliant family tale you started there. I can’t wait to read the rest. That it’s dedicated to me makes it all the sweeter.

I found that you managed the French accent really well, but I think you could still go a step further without going overboard. You see, when looking at a few places where Fleur and Madame Maxime speak in Goblet of Fire, they even have the “th” as “z”. A sentence like Bill, you know my family will be ‘ere in the morning, I would think you would be ‘elping me to get everything ready. would sound more French if it looked like this: “Bill, you know my family will be ‘ere in ze morning, I would zink you would be ‘elping me to get everyzing ready”. However, I liked that Fleur and Antoinette are stretching the “i” in “is” for example. As I know from first-hand experience, that’s just how French speak in a different language. Great job on it, especially with the French sentence Antoinette spoke in regard to the jellyfish. Though, the grammar is a bit off in that sentence. I assume you wanted to have her say that it’s a medusa, right? In this case, the sentence should rather be “Ca c’est une medusa!” or even shorter “C’est une medusa!” The “n’” indicates a negation, and a not completed one I’d like to add. The correct sentence, grammar-wise, would have to be “Ce n’est pas une medusa”, but that doesn’t fit with the sense of the situation, so you need to leave out the negation. But I really love that Antoinette talked so much French in the final scene. It adds a beautiful touch, more so that Charlie had to ask for a translation, hehee. Excellent work, hon. I lost myself completely and watched a beautiful movie unfold in my head while my eyes took in the words.

Overall, I can only repeat what I already said: I absolutely love the first chapter. Tell your muse a huge thank you for running away with the idea like that, and just because I wanted to read some fluff. ;)

~Bine

 
Reviewer: luinrina Signed
Date: 10/31/09 Title: Chapter 2: The Morning After

Several years after reading this chapter for the first time, I come to review… :o

Anyway, I really liked it. It shows nicely how the relationship between Charlie and Antoinette progresses, leaving me wanting more. I hope you update soon – but maybe your muse waited for my review to be inspired? ;)

As in the first chapter, I loved the characterisation. Charlie and Antoinette are beautifully portrayed and I can relate to them both very easily. The dynamic between the two is gripping and well-written. I also like Charlie’s development from being a daydreaming stutterer to a bolder getting man who realises what he truly feels for Antoinette and who acts accordingly. Really well done. The kiss scenes were just lovely, having me nearly melt in my chair. ;)

The French was nicely integrated into the story, too. It felt really natural, even though I noticed a couple things that I would express differently. For example, the question “Antoinette, ne moi dites pas que vous vous intéressez ŕ Charlie?” I can see where the “vous” comes from when you use an online translator. However, the “vous” is very formal and generally not used with cousins who know each other very well. You would use the “tu” instead: “Antoinette, ne moi dites pas que tu t’intéresse ŕ Charlie?” Also, I feel like you kind of overdid the lengthening of the vocals in “eet” and “es” etc. I checked in my copy of “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire”, and in the scenes I reread, neither Fleur nor Madame Maxime lengthen the vocals like you did. They say “it is”. I like that you tried to give Antoinette an accent that is thicker than Fleur’s, but with chapter two, you overdid it in my opinion. For future chapters, I would try to write the dialogues in normal English at first, and then go through it sentence by sentence and edit in the French accent. This way, you can’t do too much wrong when you leave the “i”s as “i”s, you know? What I loved, however, was how Antoinette lengthened the nicknames to “Andee” and “Tonee”. That was just sweet.

What I also noticed were a few errors you could easily avoid if you were to pay a bit more attention in the editing. For instance, in the sentence Charlie what did you do?, you forgot to put a comma after “Charlie”. I’m certain you know the rule that when you address people in speech by title or name, the address needs to be surrounded by commas. Otherwise, you can change the sense of the sentence to the extent that it’s understood differently than you intended. And another example is “But,” Fleur said, “you are right, et ees a bit stuffy.” . Shouldn’t “Fleur” be substituted with “Antoinette”?

I liked the ending, with Charlie asking Antoinette if she wanted to repeat the kiss. It was just sweet. However, I would have liked for Antoinette to say something to Charlie after he ends the kiss and before going to the Burrow. Right now it looks like Antoinette is incapable of speaking – is he such a great kisser? ;)

Overall, another sweet chapter, but it could have been perfect with a bit more attention.

 

A Prize Above Rubies by Equinox Chick
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 5]

Summary: When Isla Black is instructed to accompany her brother, Phineas, and his wife, Ursula, to Burma, she does not argue. A daughter of the House of Black, she is not allowed to argue or venture any opinions. She will marry ... and marry well.

But Burma is not England, and the stifling etiquette of the pureblood society has been left behind.

This is Equinox Chick of Hufflepuff writing for the Lofty Learning Challenge: How to Charm Snakes.

Thank you to Apurva for beta'ing this tale.

Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling and cannot take credit for any of the characters and names you recognise in this fic.

This story won the 2010 QSQ for Best Historical Fiction - Thank you



Categories: Historical Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 5761 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
10/04/09 Updated: 10/04/09


Reviewer: luinrina Signed
Date: 10/04/09 Title: Chapter 1: A Prize Above Rubies

o.O I hope you don’t honestly expect me to accept that story as finished, do you? Because it is fantabulous and I want to see more!

Really, Carole, the open ending is killing me. Please, please, please continue writing on this story as I want to see your take on how Isla and Robert get together, how they overcome social borders and prejudices to find themselves. It’s so different to the story I’m writing, and yet I can very much see yours be the only true story around the young woman who charmed her way to be my favourite character.

But let me break it down more slowly:

First of all, I love your take on the setting. I could very vividly imagine Burma, the house, the valley of rubies… You showed it all nicely, but never overly described anything. It leaves a lot of room to my imagination, giving hints and pointers, but never overwhelming me. Add to that your fluent style of narration and conversation, and it felt like I was there, or at least read – or watched – a movie that played in that time, like for example Anna and the King. It was very accurate for the era, especially the dialogue. Exceptional work!

The fact that the goblins seemed to work alongside Muggles, though concealed by magic, was another interesting part of the story. I really liked how Robert took the time and explained that to Isla. It added beautifully to their developing relationship.

Coming to the characterisation: I found that Ursula was portrayed very authentic. She’s a spoiled pureblood woman who was majorly disappointed that the supposed fortune of the family she married into was depleted. I liked how she got worked up so easily about minor details like Muggle books in the house. I also found that you showed her behaviour towards Isla as very believable. To a degree, she cared about her sister-in-law, about the proper etiquette, but on the other hand, Ursula was also jealous. Isla still had her life before her, not yet knowing who she would marry. Isla’s future husband might be a rich man, wealthier than the Blacks. Isla’s life would then be the one Ursula wished for herself. The tension between both women is palpable, but not overpowering the story in itself. It’s a wonderful effect.

Phineas is portrayed nicely, coming across as the proper son and heir, but I feel like he’s missing some more backbone. I always imagined him as a strong character, a leader, someone who would have a woman like Ursula in control when she has one of her hissing fits, especially with his upbringing. The Blacks are proud to be Blacks; they think of themselves as being much more powerful than everyone else. I would think that being raised on those beliefs from the beginning would make Phineas a strong man, proud of his heritage, even though the money has been spent and he had to work for it. But to me it sounded like not Phineas but Ursula was the patriarch in the family. Especially the part Phineas ran from the house, but tripped on the uneven ground and went sprawling. “Ursula,” he roared. “You are my wife. You have to stay.” gave me this impression. It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the picture of Phineas, an adult and a proud wizard, being sprawled on the ground.

What I liked was that Phineas seemed to have had a special bond with Isla, but I’m missing some explanation. You said they were close together when she was younger, and I can easily imagine that. He as the big brother would want to protect his little sister. But I would have loved to see more details in there, like for example why Phineas was close to Isla and not to Elladora, who was older and thus in age closer to Phineas than Isla. What confused me, however, was the way Phineas always addressed Isla. “Old thing” or “old woman” – it sometimes gave me the impression that Isla was actually older than Phineas, an old virgin, you know? Are those words he uses for her some internal joke between them? Some kind of nickname from their days as children? I would have loved to see that one explained as well. I find that you did a good job on Isla and Phineas’ relationship, but right now, to me, it lacks depth. You could have developed that one much more to make it a much stronger part of the story than it already is. And see, this would be a perfect opportunity to continue the story, and take the bond between the siblings to another understanding. ;)

The developing relationship between Robert and Isla is very expertly managed. You kept nicely the tension between both. I could easily pinpoint the etiquette that ruled society back in the middle of the nineteenth century, and at the same time see a young, adventurous Isla shine through, feeling some pull towards Robert. Robert himself felt being drawn to Isla, because why wouldn’t he? She’s young, she’s beautiful, she’s still single – all perfect reasons for him to seek her out. And yet, there are the misunderstandings and prejudices between them, as well as their pride. All of these mark their different upbringings, their different beliefs. You brought all those details out wonderfully. It’s engaging, and I found myself unable to stop reading.

By the by, I find it funny that you name him Robert as well – after all, according to canon, we know him to be Bob Hitchens. ;) Robert was the name I gave him, unless you found a source of information I don’t yet know? In this case, please enlighten me. :)

All in all, Carole, the story is truly beautiful, from the first word to the last full stop. It’s captivating, it’s gripping, it’s romantic, it’s adventurous – well, you get the picture (and I’m running out of adjectives, lol). Please do continue with it. I love to see Isla rebelling against her family without a Savaric Orwell in the process. ;)

Thanks for an excellent Sunday afternoon reading experience.

Author's Response: OOOh, thank you very much for the review. Given that you're the Isla Black expert, I was half dreading this. I'm glad you enjoyed my different take on this.

Okay, let's go through with Phineas. I do agree that he's not perhaps as well developed as he should be. I actually wanted him to be less authoritative as we'd expect from a male in the House of Black. To me the fact that he was a teacher/headmaster suggests that he had to make money somehow (or he would have been like Lucius Malfoy and not bothered to work). I do have a back story in mind for Phineas, which I should possibly turn into another story or perhaps chapter two (darn you and your plot bunny badgering, Bine!) The phrase 'old thing' are terms of affection that I'm dredging up from my days reading Enid Blyton, where her teenagers called each other 'old thing' all the time. I agree that the House of Black are a very proud family, but I was thinking that if they had fallen on hard times, and Phineas' is out of his normal social setting then he may be less assured that normal. Plus his wife is horrible - ha ha.

I decided on Robert because 'Bob' seemed too informal for that era ... he wouldn't introduce himself as Bob, I don't think. Perhaps she'll call him Bob later (Aghhh! Evil plot bunnies).

Aghh, the open ending... well that's Joanna's fault. The challenge demanded it *sigh*.

Thank you again for such an insightful review. I will certainly look at Phineas to stop him turning into a total buffoon. That's assuming I write some more of this story. (Shoos away the evil bunnies nibbling her toes.)

~Carole~

 

Summary: How Tom Riddle dealt with Valentine's Day, his seventh year at Hogwarts.

Written by AidaLuthien of Hufflepuff as part of the February Fiction Junction, I Challenge Thee, challenge. Late because she got the category wrong and midterms got in the way. Prompt was to write "a one-shot about how Tom Riddle celebrated a Valentine's Day at Hogwarts" and was set by Amorentia x.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: Violence

Word count: 2183 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/19/10 Updated: 03/24/10


Reviewer: luinrina Signed
Date: 11/14/10 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

This was a nice read, Aida. I’m usually not a big fan of humour stories as they are mostly out-of-character parodies, but this was a good story to find in the humour category.

However, I don’t think it was really humorous. I think that Tom Riddle would have acted like you described him. So I doubt that it was unusual – and thus funny – behaviour for him. I would therefore have chosen a different category to submit it to, like General for example. Certainly, there are funny moments, like the scene at the end where the Slytherins sort through Tom’s presents, but the overall tone of the story was rather subdued.

I really liked that you kept Tom so in-character. We see how he can easily manipulate teachers and girls alike (for example, when Dumbledore catches him on his return from the Forbidden Forest; that was a great answer by Tom), lying to them with the airiness that is so typical for Tom Riddle. He is aware of his looks and charm he has on all girls, whether they be Gryffindors or Muggle-borns. You wonderfully showed the ridiculousness girls succumb to when handing over their love confessions and presents and Tom’s rather cool attitude towards all this. And that attitude gave the story its atmosphere: matter-of-fact. Like I said above, with Tom not being romantic but determined to reach his goals, no matter what, the way you showed him deal with Valentine’s Day presents is most likely what he would have done every year. I also liked that he went into the Forbidden Forest to relax so to speak, and my heart hurt at the torture scenes you showed, especially with the unicorn. But this is so in-character for him, the cruelty. Even though I sometimes am cruel to my characters when writing and laugh at it from a neutral point of view, I know that the actual written scenes are anything but funny. Violence is no humour. It is dark.

So in short: The overall story isn’t funny. Only small scenes within, like the stacks of presents arriving at breakfast, or the singing teddy bear. But those are small funny moments in a rather dark and matter-of-fact atmosphere. I doubt that warrants the story to be submitted to humour.

I also noticed two small mistakes in dialogue punctuation. In the sentence "Crucio" he snarled through clenched teeth after it. you missed a comma – besides, incantations should be italicised – and with the sentence "Oh Tom, I love you so much," The boys howled with laughter. the comma should be a full stop as the following narration is not speech-indicating.

Overall, I liked the story as it was a very correct portrayal of Tom Riddle in my opinion. I liked the flow of narration and the dialogue exchanges. Keep it up like this – only next time, you should make a better choice to which category to submit.

 

Just Another Golden Day by Apollonious
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 3]

Summary: During a picnic with her beau, a young woman is forced to relive memories that she thought were long dead.

This is Apollonious of Hufflepuff House with my entry for the Character Clinic One-Shot Triathalon.

Categories: Historical Genre: Warnings: Abuse, Character Death, Mild Profanity

Word count: 1819 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
06/01/10 Updated: 06/06/10


Reviewer: luinrina Signed
Date: 11/01/10 Title: Chapter 1: Just Another Golden Day

I really liked this story. You begin with a really peaceful scene on a meadow, and a picture paints itself in my head immediately. I can see the grass and clouds and sun and am directly transported to your characters. Such imagery with little words is a great talent; the reader will instantly feel like your characters but still have a free hand in painting the scenery in their own head. That is what an author wants to achieve and you did so nicely.

I also liked the reference of Alan having been in the camp in Poland; it sets the time of when the story plays without much explanation. It also gives away a lot of Alan’s character: Who he is, what hardships he had to live through. As I am German and naturally have learnt lots on Nazi ideology and their crimes on the Jews in school in history, I can immediately understand what Alan must have felt imprisoned in the camp. I can therefore easily sympathise with him when he stares off into the distance. Not every author can describe a character’s background without telling much.

Tania herself is a nicely portrayed character, too. I liked the little information that trickled through the sentences and gave your character a form; like that she plays the flute in an orchestra. The flashback helps as much, showing more of who Tania (aka Bella) has been, that she had been in love with Tom Riddle and doesn’t want to talk on him for having beaten her, even though her friends tell her otherwise. To me that attitude shows kinds of bravery, so I assume she has been in Gryffindor? That Bella loved Riddle makes me wonder whether or not she was a bit attracted by dark magic as well, or if she was merely attracted by his beauty. These unanswered questions make me curious to find out more about her, especially her change of name. Why was she Bella Mihailov back then and today she is Tania? What happened to her, what is her story? And why did she end up kind of estranged from her father and brother? From the little scene after she snaps out of her memory, I can guess that she took another name rather than keeping Mihailov. But why? Those questions keep me enthralled and poised to go on reading to find out the answers.

Additionally, that Tania was in Hogwarts shows that she is magic whereas Alan most likely is not. You never say it, but I would suppose he is a Muggle. Otherwise Alan might have been able to free himself with magic and escape the camp in Poland. I find it interesting of how Alan might learn about her being different to him and how he would cope with it. I half-wish that you’d shown that moment, but because you didn’t, you have lots of opportunities to carry on with those characters and write more about them – which I hope you do.

As for the story flow, up until the flashback of Tania’s memory, the story could have easily been a part of an original fic. It reads light and easily. Nothing points towards magic and that makes the story stand out. It’s hard to develop believable setting and characters for an original fic, so I applaud you for succeeding. I really liked how easily you set this up and I enjoyed reading this original take. But then you take the story back to the world of Rowling with the flashback. I liked how fluent the switch was. And again, without lots of words, the reader is immediately transported to Hogwarts and Bella and why she was crying.

I like the relatively open ending as well, as the unanswered questions allow for a new chapter or the readers’ imagination to continue the story on their own.

All in all, I really enjoyed reading the story and I hope to read more about Tania aka Bella Mihailov in the future.

 

The Falcon and the Peacock by Equinox Chick
Rated: 6th-7th Years [Reviews - 30]

Summary: The year is 1543, and the heir to the Malfoy estate, Lucius, encounters the young Lady Elizabeth Tudor in the grounds of Hatfield House. It is a meeting, he later discovers, of his mother's engineering, for it is of the utmost importance that he strikes up a friendship with the King's daughter. But the Lady Elizabeth has a powerful protector in her governess, and only the highest political machinations can overcome the will of Kat Champernowne.

In the ensuing Tudor power struggle, no one factored love into the equation, least of all Elizabeth.

Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling, but I think you know that by now.

This is Equinox Chick with her fourth entry for The Great Hall Cotillion.



Categories: Historical Genre: Warnings: Mild Profanity, Pottermore Spoilers, Sexual Situations

Word count: 14949 Chapters: 5 Completed: Yes
Published:
02/18/13 Updated: 02/28/13


Reviewer: luinrina Signed
Date: 09/06/13 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1 ~ Pavone Bianco

Carole, my dear, this is an excellent first chapter. Both setting and voice of the narrative sound very Tudor-like, and the descriptions about places and wardrobe made me feel like I was watching a movie about the Tudor era rather than reading a fanfic.

I like your characterisations. Elizabeth especially has a very peculiar voice, and her carefree yet feisty behaviour was shown beautifully by how she acted and reacted. Lucius too has a remarkable voice. He reminds me a little of the Lucius Malfoy of the 21st century, though with noticeable differences in behaviour because of his age and the time period.

What I absolutely loved, however, was how nicely you interwove the magical component. Certainly are the Malfoys well-known pure-bloods, but that both (former) Queen Anne and Elizabeth's governess were witches, and possibly Elizabeth herself too, makes for a very in-teresting catch. I had wondered how Mrs Malfoy knew the governess and would never have guesses at her and Kat having been friends from school. (By the by, is Bellona Mrs Malfoy's first name? I couldn't quite see a definite answer.)

With the conversation between Elizabeth and her governess in the second part, you grab the rest of the reader's attention and make him want to continue reading. I am certainly more than just wondering whether Elizabeth really is a witch and whether she might even go to Hogwarts - I'm actually wishing that is the case. But to find out I'll have to read on, which I will of course do.

Thanks for such a delightful beginning.

Author's Response: Thank you. I'm glad you read on. Bellona was Mrs Malfoy's first name, yes. Sorry, this is a rubbish response, but I replied more fully in the last review. ~Carole~

 
Reviewer: luinrina Signed
Date: 09/06/13 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter 2 - The Falcon's Daughter

Woot, Elizabeth's a witch! Now things shall become especially exciting.

I would have hoped that she learned the truth gently, but maybe it wasn't so bad that Lucius blurted it out like he did. Also, the scene where she made flowers blossom reminded me of Lily showing her sister what she could do.

The story about the falcons is fascinating. I wonder though: Was Anne an Animagus? Or did Elizabeth mean a one-time transformation when asking why her mother didn't just transform to escape the execution? I think the latter, though the former would be interesting as well.

Now, on to the next chapter.

Author's Response: Elizabeth didn't really understand much about magic, and so didn;t know that you had to be an Animagus to Transform. Also, Kat tells her later that if Anne had used magic then she couldn't have saved Elizabeth. The falconry theme is actually true as Anne's symbol was the falcon. Thanks again ~Carole~

 
Reviewer: luinrina Signed
Date: 09/06/13 Title: Chapter 3: Chapter 3 -Legilimens

I'm really enthused of how neatly you weave in all those historical facts while keeping the story set in the magical world. You must have spent a lot of time doing the research, especially in regard to the names, time and places. Simply marvellous.

Pity that Elizabeth wasn't allowed to Hogwarts. She would have loved it there, I'm certain. (I wonder what house she would have been in...) But that would have meant making her being a witch known wider than might have been good for her.

A little curious that Mrs Malfoy supports her son's friendship with Elizabeth when she doesn't think much of Muggle-borns (and half-bloods too I assume). Is it Elizabeth's status that makes her so interesting to the Malfoys? Or does she hope that by being favourable to the princess who might one day become queen, Elizabeth as a witch herself might abolish any and all laws restricting magic? Really curious indeed.

On I go...

Author's Response: I think she'd have been a good fit in Gryffindor or Slytherin, actually. I picture Anne as a Ravenclaw because she was supposed to be fiercely clever, although she was so manipulative that she could have been a Slyth. Elizabeth was a very astute person and that's not something I necessarily attribute to Gryffindors, but she was very brave, so ... jury is still out - ha ha.
,br> Okay, the other thing about the Malfoys, that's Pottermore canon, is that they did marry into the higher elements of society, doing anything for power and money. It was only when the Statute of Secrecy came in that they denied they'd ever married Muggles or half-bloods. Bellona is a Malfoy by marriage and is very scathing of anyone not of pure-blood but she's also a realist, the Malfoys want power, and marrying her son to Elizabeth would be the best way of achieving that.

Thanks again ~Carole

 
Reviewer: luinrina Signed
Date: 09/06/13 Title: Chapter 4: Chapter 4 - Prisons

Wow, you really keep me on the edge of my seat. First she declines Lucius when Edward tells her he has been discussed as possible husband, and then she accepts him with arms wide open. She's quite moody, Elizabeth, no? lol Though that keeps the story going and interesting.

The end made me a little sad, that she was not allowed to enter Lucius's world at all where she would have been happy.

And now on to the final chapter. I wonder what you have in store now.

Author's Response: Well, there was four years between her dismissing the thought of marrying Lucius and then accepting him. Under her brother's reign, Elizabeth led a far safer existence but locked up and in fear for her life, she was, as Lucius knew, very vulnerable. Thanks for the review ~Carole~

 
Reviewer: luinrina Signed
Date: 09/06/13 Title: Chapter 5: Chapter 5 - Love

Lovely, Carole, simply lovely. What a chapter to end this story.

The love scene was written delicately yet with the right amount of passion one would expect from two such fiery characters. And I had the feeling he would impregnate her. I was there-fore wondering how you'd make it work that she gives birth to a child when historical records clearly state she had no offspring. Your solution was as clever as it was simple.

What surprised me completely was to which family Kat gave Arthur (great choice of name, by the way, so very unassuming as well as magically connoted). Does that mean that Ron actually is a descendent of Elizabeth I? The Weasleys all have flaming red hair and you described Arthur to have red hair rather than be blond like Malfoy or Elizabeth which makes it sound like Ron actually is. Merlin! If only he knew... (which I suppose no one does as Kat surely would not have told Mr and Mrs Weasley whose son the baby was, and when both Kat and Elizabeth died, they took that secret into their graves, right?) (Incidentally - geroff, muse! - Ron being a descendent of Elizabeth I is a quite inspiring idea.)

On the one hand I'm sad Elizabeth didn't marry Lucius. The two seemed a lovely couple if they didn't argue. Also, the vision that with the royal family being magic was a really nice one that I would have loved seeing explored. However, on the other hand, I'm very glad Elizabeth decided to decline Lucius as he had more and more become like the Lucius Malfoy we know from the books. He is a proud man who would never have stood aside to let his wife rule, even if she was the rightful queen and he only prince consort. I can fully understand Eliza-beth's motives to decide against marrying him, politically as well as personally.

To sum up: Carole, this story is brilliant. Very well written, very time-appropriate in terms of language and voice of characters, and fascinating in regard to plot and plot twists. Simply superb. I applaud you.

Author's Response: Thank you very much for all the reviews, Bine. It's been great reading them.

I shall explain a few things in this response. Basically, I wanted this story to be as historically accurate as possible (I was limited with research dur to time constarints) but there is also canon information. On Pottermore, JK Rowling states that the first Lucius Malfoy wished to marry Elizabeth but she turned him down. He was supposed to have cursed her so she'd remain unmarried, but I decided she didn;t want to marry anyway.

There was, sadly, no way that Elizabeth could have gone to Hogwarts, as I wanted this to remain accurate, so her magic is undeveloped, partly down to Kat's magic surrounding her.

Oh, Elizabeth had red hair like Her father, so yes, that's where the Weasleys got their red hair from. The fact that they're also related to the Malfoys made me laugh a little. Also, and this was deliberate, I had it in mind that although Elizabeth's 'Arthur' would never be king, his great great lots of great grandson would have a song sung for him because ... 'Weasley is our King' etc etc.

Thank you again. I had such fun writing this story which was thought up on the way to a fancy dress shop, so I'm pleased you enjoyed it. ~Carole~

 

Yew Were My Brother by Thestral Wings
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 4]

Summary: This is the tale of two brothers whose story is seldom recounted. Yet in their absence, our beloved hero might never have come to be. It is a story of fate, destiny, chance, good vs evil, brother vs brother.

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2527 Chapters: 2 Completed: No
Published:
09/04/13 Updated: 09/17/13


Reviewer: luinrina Signed
Date: 09/06/13 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

This nice little one-shot hasn't got a review yet? What a shame. It's a great read and gives a beautiful insight into Harry's wand's mind. (If it had any; but who knows? It's magical, maybe it actually had.) The story's very well-written and easy to follow, and the wand's 'voice' is extremely distinctive.

I liked especially how you incorporated the symbolism with the woods Ollivander used - Holly as the wood of hope and life vs. the poisonous yew. You nicely depicted the feather's doubts as well as its horror when Ollivander brought its brother and the yew together. Nice foreshadowing of how these two wands' owners will use them, as well as what the wands will mean not only for their owners' lives but the magical community as a whole.

A couple of years back, there was a challenge on the Beta Boards entitled "Perfect Plot in a Prologue Challenge" where we were asked to write a prologue to the Harry Potter books in response to the one Rowling published. A mod explained it that way: "How would you introduce the Harry Potter books to someone who hasn't read them yet?" I find your story would have fit that challenge perfectly.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your most kind review. I have to laugh that you called it a "one-shot" as it states that it is not yet completed. The funny part in this is that I originally wrote it (2 years ago but never submitted til now) to be a one-shot. You obviously picked up on that. But one day I sat at the keyboard and kept writing ... and lo and behold there came a chapter 2. I have pieces of oodles of chapters that I can't figure out how to string together at this point. So I'm in a bit of a dilemma: leave it as a one-shot or post chapter 2 not knowing what will eventually follow. I did the exact same thing with my first fanfic. I wrote several chapters but had trouble piecing them all together, so I just stopped trying ... and there it sits in the archives. Incomplete. Again, your lovely review warmed by heart and may be enough to get me writing again.

 
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