Hi! Welcome to my author's page, even though you probably ended up stumbling upon this by a mere accident. =D And because I'm cool enough to be able to do this, *cough*, I'm going to tell you a bit about myself! Let's see, I'm 18 years old, and I live in the US. I have loved Harry Potter since it first came out, and I think that is when I was 12 years old. I'm not too sure. Anyway, my favorite character of all time is definitely Sirius Black, as you can tell all three stories I have posted are based on Sirius. =)
That does not mean that I don't like any other characters, I do, but Sirius is just my favorite. My OTP would have to be Sirius/Lily, even though I haven't attempted to write one of them yet. I also like Sirius/OC and Regulus/OC. I have a thing for the Black family if you haven't noticed. =D
Now, onto the more important part of the page, my stories!
World of the Dead: Sirius Black had been pushed back behind the Veil in the Department of Mystery. This Veil leads into the World of the Dead. What will happen to Sirius in this afterlife of his?
Chapter Three "Truth, Lies, and Consequences" is up! And Chapter Four "Facing the Truth" is in the queue!
Sometimes An Enemy is Your Only Way Out:"Oftentimes, it takes an enemy to reflect our own shortcomings." Sirius Black and Severus Snape must work together in order to finish a mission they were both sent on that revolves around things in the past. The other may end up being the only way they could get back to their own time period. What will happen when two enemies are forced to work together?
This story contains three chapters, and it was for the Gauntlet.
The Noble and Most Ancient House of ... Nevermind: Sirius Black was the complete opposite of every member of the Black family, save for Andromeda. What made him become this way?
He thought his brother, Regulus, was a complete git, and he disliked him even more when he became a Death Eater at the age of sixteen. How did Sirius feel about him while the two were growing up? Were they close, or did they never get along?
Chapter Two is up! And chapter three is currently being written!
Choose Your Own Adventure:
It's hard not to care what they say...
Aggravating, annoying, and stubborn.
Cedric Diggory uses those three words to describe his father, to himself at least. He doesn't want to hurt his father's feelings, but he can't stand not voicing his opinion on things.
What will happen when Cedric finally confronts his dad about the way he feels? Will things turn out badly, or will his father actually listen to him for once?
I'd like to think we'll break away.
This story was written for my Character Exploration class on the forums. There is one more chapter that I have to write for the class, and it shall be posted once it are betaed!
I have read this story two times already, and each time it seems to get better and better. I honestly love the way it was written, and how you made sure that what Harry had said to Dumbledore was in there. Although, I know that was the point. ;)
The way you pictured what Dumbledore saw when he drank the liquid makes a lot of sense seeing as how we all know how much he cares about everyone. It is also understandable how he felt worse about killing Harry, then the rest.
Another thing I love is how you mentioned many other people that he had been forced to kill before Harry. It makes you wonder if Harry was even going to be one of them. ;)
All in all, I really loved this story!! It is honestly one of the best ones I have ever read.
I liked this, and wasn't really expecting the ending! Very good.. Please continue it. =)
Wow, Kelly, just... wow. I first decided to read this, not just because I can't sleep, but because.. well, Sirius is in it! Even in dog form I love him.
This story is absolutely wonderful. I love it. Since I've betaed for you once, I know exactly how your beta for this felt. You are a brilliant writer, and you hardly ever have any mistakes in your writing! The flow is always perfect, as with this story, and well.. you're just amazing. Lol.
There's just one or two things I'd like to mention, if you don't mind. =)
Firstly, this sentence:
The girl peered down at him still more curiously
You forgot a period after curiously. Lol. Yes, throughout the entire story, that is the ONLY thing I found wrong!
One other thing though, the second paragraph. It felt as though you abruptly started to describe the scene at which Sirius was looking at. You went from saying how it felt since he left Azkaban to the snow on the rooftops and such. I think that the transition from the two things could have been a bit smoother.
For instance, you could have had it to where Sirius thought about not being able to see the outside world while in Azkaban. You could have mentioned how long it's been since he's been able to see the beauty of snow and such things like that. Then it would have been easy to move on to how Hogsmede looks in that point during the time at which it was snowing.
And wow, I really love how you ended this story! Luna is such a wonderful character to play around with, and I really do think you hit her character right on the nose. You did it perfectly. The way she is dream-like and doesn't really seem to have a care in the world. You really showed that throughout the story, or at least, throughout the part that she was in. =)
I really love how you had Luna be the girl that Sirius sees on the bench, and it's just like Luna to have half a sandwhich in her pocket without remembering it was there! That part definitely made me giggle. =D
I love how you had Luna describe to Sirius why she gave him the balloon. Sure, there wasn't much to it, but it really is like Luna to say something as simple as that. I really liked that.
All in all, great story, love. It was a very enjoyable read. I loved it. You should write more Sirius stories. ;) Haha. Even if they are with him as Padfoot instead of Sirius. =D
Author's Response: Thank you for the lovely review, Tiffany. I am, coincidentally, in the process of writing Sirius stories. They are actually Sirius/Lily stories that go in my For Him universe. I\'m glad that you liked Luna and how simple her statements were. There\'s a really fine line between having the perfectly eccentric Luna and having the out of character Luna who can\'t go a minute without mentioning Blibbering Humdingers or Crumple Horned Snorkacks. I\'m glad that you thought that my Luna was the former. Thanks again for such a lovely review!
Wow. I really liked this story. It's funny how Dudley actually thought the wizarding world was interesting! Especially since he was so afraid of it before...
You should right more to this.. :) I really enjoyed it!! Great job!
Author's Response: Thanks, glad you enjoyed it!
I really like this story. Didn't you have the first part as a drabble in the Three Broomsticks over on the forums?
You portrayed all of the characters perfectly. And it was amazing how you molded together the fact that Sirius won't eat tomato seeds because James didn't while he was alive, and then Remus wouldn't eat tomato seeds after Sirius died. I really liked that.
I also thought it was cute how Teddy turned his hair violet after asking if it was a girls colour. I really liked that.
It was really nice of you to dedicate this to people who are missed... It just makes you feel better knowing that you're not the only one out there, and there are people that can relate to you. =\
You're a great writer. Please, keep it up!
Author's Response: Hi! I\'m sorry if I\'m wrong, but I think your name\'s Tiffany... I did. This started out as a drabble for the Missing You prompt in the Remus\'s Reflections. You are one of the few that mentioned Teddy\'s hair color choice. Glad you did. I liked that part of it. And that was my very first intention when I wrote this; to dedicate it. We all miss people in some way, and that\'s what this story is about. Thanks very much for your lovely review!
Claire, love, I just wanted to say that I really like this. It's very interesting to see how you portay James, and I don't think I've ever read a story quite like this one. It's very well written, and it's very heart-warming indeed.
Now, there were a few things that I noticed, and I thought I would just point them out to you. =)
I feel so useless, here.
That is in the first paragraph, I believe. You don't really need the comma there.
The way that you speak of the baby I really didn't know if the baby was still in Lily's stomach or if he was already born. I think that maybe in the beginning you should make sure that it is clear that the baby is still not born yet. It would make it a little more understandable. It seems to be a bit confusing in the beginning. I was actually thinking that maybe he was talking to Harry in the crib or something, until he said that he didn't know what to call him. When you said that it showed that he wasn't born yet because they don't even know what to name him yet.
Also, I noticed that you had a lot of very short sentences. There are many of them that you could have made into one instead of having two or three.
I chuckle to myself. Of course he won’t tell anyone. That’s silly. He isn’t even born yet. His mind can’t comprehend what I’m saying quite yet.
That's just an example. You could have made that entire small paragraph into one or two sentences. It would also help with the flow of the story a bit more. When you're reading, and there is a period, comma, semi-colon, colon, you're supposed to pause and then continue reading. So it's kind of like you were starting and then stopping, starting and then stopping, etc. You know what I mean?
You could have it be like "I chuckle to myself. It's silly to think that he would tell anyone seeing as how he isn't even born yet. His mind can't comprehend what I'm saying at this point." Or something like that.
I think that was all I wanted to point out. I really did like this though. Great job on this! =) *Squishes*
“It’s our rule not to dredge up past things, remember?”This rule is about to be broken.
~Inspired by a worldwide beloved film.
Wow. That's almost all I can say!
This story is extremely good. I would have never thought that the father in the story was Draco Malfoy. It was a complete shock. I like how you threw that in there though, right towards the end of this chapter.
I have a question though. Why would Draco move his family to England, and then try and keep his daughter form going to Hogwarts? That part kind of confused me a little bit. I mean, it was all written excellently, but that was one part that really didn't make any sense to me. I would have thought that Draco would have been obsessed with the idea that his kids were going to go to Hogwarts, and were going to be placed into Slytherin.
That might just be me, but oh well.
Alright. Just one last thing. I kind of thought that the beginning was a little confusing. Maybe if there weren't as many commas, and you just combined a few of the things in the sentences? I don't know. I think by doing that it would make it easier to read, and people won't get facts mixed up.
I'm done. :) I really did think that this story is really good. I've only read the first chapter, but I have a feeling I'm going to have to go read the rest of it!
Author's Response: Hello, Tiffany, thank you so much. I\'m glad you like it.
Draco and Callie are in France. I don\'t want to spoil anything to you, but they\'re in France and Draco isn\'t keen about Callie going to Hogwarts for a reason. Read on and come back to me for more. I\'ll heed your advise about commas. ^_^
I just thought I'd comment on a few things.
First, I thought this story was a bit confusing. You mentioned a lot of spells, but you didn't really say what each of them did. Some of them you did, though, but a lot, you didn't.
One question I have is, the incantation you have in your story for creating a horcrux, did you make that up, or did you read it from somewhere? Also, what language is it in, and what does it translate into? Lastly, does it go along with what a horcrux is?
I thought this story was good, even though in the beginning it didn't really make sense. I was confused about who some of the people were in the story until towards the middle. Perhaps you should have mentioned who they were in the beginning? Maybe when you first mentioned them? I don't know, but that's just what I think may have been a little better.
Also, at the end you mentioned in your author's notes that 'Secrets of the Darkest Art' is the book Hermione has in DH, but what about the other books you mentioned in the story? Where did you find them, or did you just create them yourself?
I understand you said that you wrote this in a hurry, and for you being in a hurry, you did a pretty good job. Some parts may have been better if maybe you did them without hurrying.
Another question I have is what time period is this supposed to be in? You have Horace Slughorn in the story, and isn't that the man who was the Potions Professor when James and Lily were at Hogwarts? I may be wrong about that, but I just thought I'd ask about it. And if it is the Slughorn that I think it is, wouldn't he have not contributed to Solan's interest in the Dark Arts? I mean he basically had to be forced to tell Tom Riddle about horcruxes when Tom asked him about it while he was in Hogwarts.
Alright. I'm done. I'm not sure if I helped any, or just criticised this the entire time, but honestly, I did think this was a good story. The flow was excellent, and such, but maybe you should have tried to space out the paragraphs in the beginning of the story more, like you did towards the end. =)
Author's Response: Okay, so let me roll off the facts.
This is set in the late 1800s.
Yes, that is THE Slughorn. You\'ll notice that he\'s supposed to be old, but not as old as Dumbledore. Dumbledore was born in the 1840s; Horace and Nolan are about 20 in this story, making their birthdates around the 1860s or higher. So he would be about 110 when he taught Lily and James and 130 when he taught Harry. And yes, as demonstrated on numerous occaisions (I mean, come on, Professor Tofty must be about 200), wizards live longer than Muggles.
I would think that this would have lead to Horace\'s later reluctance in telling Tom anything about Horcruxes.
\'Curses Arcane\' and \'Forbidden Olde Ways\' are fictional titles. \'The Book of Vile Darkness\' is a little homage of sorts to the fake book Angel of Dreams constantly referenced in class.
Yes; my formatting is wonky. It came out weird because of my word processor, then I started fixing it and did it partway but messed some parts of it more, and then I just gave up. SOMEDAY I shall fix it entirely.
I suppose I was writing this with a mild knowledge of Latin and therefore expected my readers to decode some. How conceited of me.
(All the spells except Crucio are my own creation.)
Lanio ex animo ita ego forsitan aeternus- Horcrux creating spell. Translates to \'I tear my soul to pieces so that I may be immortal\'.
Attero Per Extremusvis- Shortened from \'Attero Per Extremus Vis\'; Crushing spell. Translates to \'I crush with etreme force\'.
Descendo abrubtus- Slamming Curse. Translates to \'I send down abrubtly\'. *wink*
Carnes Incendio- Flesh Burning Curse. Translates to \'I light the flesh on fire\'. *smirk*
I just broke my glasses and now have an immense headache from typing this, as I cannot see the screen.
Thanks for reading and reviewing.
I thought this story was extremely well written. You are very talented, and just the title drew me in. I've never read a story about an heir to Voldemort.
Just one thing, though.
Are you going to mention the man's name that's the heir of Voldemort in the first chapter? Seeing as how this is only the Prologue, that would make sense, but if you were going to wait until the end of the story to mention the name, you shouldn't. I think it would be a great idea to mention it soon. I am interested in knowing what the man's name is.
Also, who is the mother of this man? Are you going to make it so it shocks the readers by making it be someone unexpected? Or is it a reasonable guess to think that maybe the mother is Bellatrix? Seeing as how she was practicaly in-love with him?
Update soon. I'm very interested in seeing what happens next.
Author's Response: Thanks! Chapter one is going to take place at Hogwarts during Lily\'s first year, but the Heir comes back in chapter two or three, and his name will be told then. And the mother is not Bellatrix, it\'s a character I made up. Thanks again for the great review!
Author's Response: Actually, it will tell you the Dark Lord\'s name in chapter six.
Stacy, love. I really like this story. It's.. intense. In so few words you clearly showed how Merope had felt while she had been married to Tom. Also, you showed how the Amortentia potion works, and you also showed what happens after the person stops taking the potion very well.
Although I liked this story a lot, I did find a lot of things wrong with it. I'll attempt to point some, if not all, of them out to you. Just bear in mind that I don't want this to come off as rude or anything, I just want to help you with your story, love. =D
She had dreamed of growing old with him, having plenty of children and granchildren gathered around them for many years.
This sentence seems a bit awkward to me. I don't think you should have used the word "dreamed", I think it would have sounded much better if you used "dreamt", I think that's how you spell it. Also, it should be "grandchildren" not "granchildren".
She couldn't have been happier, well that is not completely true.
This also seems a bit awkward to me. You could have added more description into the sentence. It would have made the flow much smoother, and it would have gave the readers more to go by, if that makes sense. You could have said, "She felt as though she couldn't have been any happier with the way her life was, but deep in her heart, and mind, she knew that that wasn't completely true." It makes it less awkward when it's said that way. You don't really have to use those exact words, but something along those lines would have probably sounded very good. =)
Her pale skin took on a certain glow and her face which had held a smile since the beginning of the courtship no longer seemed as heavy as it first had.
There should be a comma after "face", and there should also be a comma after "courtship". You're describing the way her face looked in the beginning when she first started being with Tom, compared to the fact that her face looked completely different now. I hope that makes sense. I'm not very good at explaining some things, I know.
Her husband heading towards her, she held out her arms thinking he was coming to comfort her;
This seems awkward, too. It would sound better if you said, "Her husband walked towards her, and she held out her arms thinking that he was going to comfort her;" It would have made it sound a whole lot better. I think it's just the wording of that part that doesn't quite sound right, if you know what I mean?
Alright. Overall, this story is very good, but I do think that you rushed through it a bit. I think that if you went through and added a bit more detail throughout the first part of the story, it would make it much better. It seems as though you rushed through it, just so you could show your readers what happens as fast as you could, you know? Maybe if you lengthened it a bit, and maybe drag it out more, it would be a lot better. It's really good as it is, but it could use a little bit more work.
I like how the first part of the story was a sort of flashback. It's very interesting to find out that she was actually thinking of those things after they happened, rather than actually going through them at that moment in time.
One last thing, I think it ended rather abruptly. You could have added in more information to where she went after she ran out of the story, what the shopkeeper did (besides shouting obscenities after her), and basically, what happened to her after she left the store? Those things could all lead to another story, but I still think you could have had some of that stuff in this one as well.
Okay, I'm done. I'm sorry this is long, and I'm sorry if it comes off as rude or anything. I don't mean for it to sound that way. I just wanted to point some things out to you, and I wanted to give you some suggestions as to what could make it better and such. You don't have to listen to anything I said if you don't want to, love. =) Lol.
Hi Michelle! *Squish*
Alrighty. First off, I don't usually like poems and such, but for some reason.. I really enjoyed reading this. It was wonderfully written, and you really got your point across.
"I’m almost gone,
I know it’s true.
I don’t know why,
I’m still with you."
That stanza really stood out to me. It just really makes you see how close they are to dying, and how can I put this... It shows how.. confusing? Maybe that's the word I'm looking for. It shows how confusing death can be.. Even if it's not for the person who is losing someone, but how confusing it is for the person who is actually dying. Like.. I guess you could say that it shows how they feel like it's going extremely slow, but yet for the person that is losing someone it seems like it goes too fast? I think that's what I'm trying to say..
See this is why I don't normally like poems. I tend to confuse myself too much with them. Heh.
Well, love. I really did like this. :D Keep on writing.
Author's Response: Aww! *loves saying that* Thankies, Tiff! I hope I\'ve turned you to a poetry geek... MWAHAHAHA! *coughs* --xoxo Michelle :)
Oh! I really liked this. It was very well written, and you did an amazing job with portraying Lily's character. =) You could actually feel how nervous she was about flying, and you could actually picture what she must have looked like to the Marauders. Very well done.
I don't think I even found any mistakes in this at all. The only thing that did stand out a bit was the way that Remus was acting. It was a completely different view of him than anyone else has ever shown. Usually people show him as the quiet one, the one who doesn't join in on any of the mocking and whatnot. The way you showed him is how I see him to be. He wasn't as rude and arrogant as James and Sirius, but he wasn't really quiet either. He wasn't really making fun of Lily like James and Sirius would have done and all that. You actually showed him being a part of the group instead of showing him as being off to the side with a book (which a lot of people do, and it bothers me a bit).
I also think that you got Sirius and James's character spot on. The way that they were acting is exactly how I would picture them to be if something like that happened. It kind of felt like they were trying to make Lily feel better about flying, but instead they just made it worse. Which I liked. Sure they were pretty much jerks in school, but the way I see it.. they wouldn't really be jerks 24/7. I see them as only doing it when they felt that they should? I guess that's what I mean. Basically, I think they would only do it if they knew that people were watching them and all that.
Honestly, love. This was one of the better stories I have read on the archives. You are an amazing writer, and I really loved how you showed all of the characters' personalities and such in such a short story. Very well written. I loved it! Keep up the fabulous work.
Author's Response: Thanks! As far as Remus goes, I just like to think that while he was the most serious of the four, he could still take part in their mischief. :) I'm glad you liked the rest of their characterizations! Thanks so much for reviewing! :D
Hello, Jess, my love. =) Here is the review that I promised you last night.
Alright. I just want to say that this story is extremely interesting so far. The summary was excellent, and it definitely pulls you in to read the story. The beginning of it is extremely well written also. As soon as you start reading, a bunch of questions start forming in your mind about what Dacia is, what happened, and all that stuff. Very good. =)
Now.. I noticed a few things throughout the story that I'd like to point out to you.
However, it couldn’t soothe last long and those dreaded thoughts would attack once more.
This sentence doesn't make sense. Maybe you meant to say "However, it couldn't soothe long enough..." or at least something along those lines. The way it is right now, though, it's extremely confusing, and it doesn't really make any sense.
After a couple of minutes of limited drinking, however, Dacia put the drink down. She thought it was going to satisfy her, but it did nothing for;
I just thought I'd point this out to you.. You forgot to put the word "her" after the word "for" at the end of that sentence. =D It doesn't really make too much sense if you leave it like that.
Since she was already observing her bottle in her bored state, Dacia continued to look around the bar.
You say that Dacia continued to look around the bar, but if she was observing her bottle then she wasn't really looking around the bar in the first place.. She would have been looking at the bottle. I would probably fix that, and possibly just say that after observing the bottle, she began to look around the bar. Something like that.
I think they were all of the things that I noticed.. I really did like this story, Jess. It's off to a wonderful start, and I honestly can't wait to see what happens in the next chapter. You're a great writer, love. Keep up the great work with this story. I know you were excited for it to finally be up, and now I completely understand why. It's wonderful! =)
Author's Response: Thanks Tiff! Two amazing reviews, makes you happy, you know? And as I said eariler, I\'m sooo glad you loved the summary; that makes me happy too. Your whole review made me happy (now to fix those typos), bahha. Again, thanks. :D
Rachel. Wow. I read this once before. No, actually, I skimmed through it. I don't know why I didn't take the time to read this when it was first posted up on the archives. It is absolutely amazing. By the time it was over, I had tears in my eyes.
I really like the way this was written. You showed how much Narcissa really cared for her son, and how much Draco regretted what he had done. You don't see too many stories where Draco is actually scared and is actually.. well.. nice.
It came as a shock to me when Narcissa thought that Draco deserved the punishment that he got. I love how you didnt' come right out and say what the punishment was, and we had to wait until the end of the story to actually find out what it was. It was a very good way to keep the readers reading it.
There was one thing that I noticed:
Draco needed her now more than ever
You forgot to add a period at the end of that sentence. Lol. That's really the only thing that I found wrong with it. The flow was excellent, and there weren't any spelling mistakes that I noticed. I didn't even see any typos! You are an excellent writer.
I love how you had Draco and Narcissa reminisce (sp?) about when Draco was a child. It was very touching to see how Narcissa felt when he took his first steps, and then you could feel her pain when she said that Lucius didn't care about it. You showed Lucius' character quite well in that part. The way he didn't care only because it showed that Draco was just normal. It shows you how he wanted his son to be .. what's the word.. I guess, special?
This story was very touching. I absolutely loved it. You are a very talented writer, and I really hope you write more stories to post on the archives. I know that I will definitely read them. :) You are brilliant, my dear. Keep up the wonderful work!
Author's Response: Aww, thanks! When I first heard this song, this bunny fell into my head, and it just wouldn\'t leave... lol. This may sound weird, but I love making my readers cry, or have tears in their eyes. To me it feels like then I\'m really getting to them. =D Thanks for the lovely review!
Hey Brit! Lol. Alright, I like this idea for a fic, even though you had to use prompts to write it, it was very good. The plot line is brilliant, and the flow, for the most part, is very good. I enjoyed reading it. Even though you know it took me a while, beings I'm a slow reader and all. ;)
Anyway. There were a few things that I think I should point out to you. They're the main things that jumped out at me as I was reading this story.
At first, it was easy to shrug it off. Then the inevitable questions started to flow.
These two sentences, I feel, could be made into one. It would help with the flow of the first paragraph a lot. You could have it say "At first, it was easy to shrug it off, but then the inevitable questions started to flow." You don't have to change that, but I would recommend doing so. =D
It was dead silent other than the gentle hooting of owls and the rustling of the wind was making.
This part. The end of it just seems a bit strange. I think you meant to say "...and the rustling that the wind was making" instead of using the word "of". Just a small mistake, nothing too serious. Lol.
Again, I just want to recommend watching the first paragraph. (All right, not literally watching it, but...) You have a few sentences in there that could be combined together. It would help with the flow a lot more. When you're reading it, the shortness of the sentences make you stop, then read, then stop, since when you see a period, you normally stop for a second, and then read the next one. At least, that's what you're taught when speaking in front of people. Lol.
Anyway. I thought this was a good chapter. I honestly can't wait to read the next one to find out what happens next. You and your partner did a very good job on this. It's not always easy writing a story with someone else, but you guys did this very well. I really did like it, and I hope you do consider my suggestions. =)
Good luck in the competiton. *pickles*
Author's Response: Aha! Thanks for the suggestions. That\'s actually how it was when I first wrote that part. And as for the wind thing you mentioned, that was simply an error in editing, darn those track changes, yeah? =p Thanks for the compliments though and we hope you enjoy the next part. =D
Hm. Britt, I really do love this story. It’s been a while since I’ve read the first chapter, but after getting about two paragraphs in on the second one, I sort of just remembered everything that happened in the first one. So, after saying that, I’d like to say that that is a great thing. Both chapters tie together so brilliantly. You two did a fabulous job with doing that, and I’d just like to tell you that.
Next, I’d like to say that I really love this story. The first chapter was amazing, but the second chapter was even better!
You could actually feel all of the emotions running through the story. You could feel the pain James was feeling as he remembered how he almost killed Lily, and how much pain he felt at even the thought of actually hurting her. Then you could feel the fear and pain in Lily as she told James what had happened that night, and how she could tell that he wasn’t himself. The emotions were done brilliantly in this story, and it made the story just that much better!
Now… the first little thing is this:
My breathing is uneven and I find myself gasping for air, desperately sucking in cool, sharp breaths.
I believe there’s supposed to be a comma after “uneven”. Without it, it’s a run-on sentence, love. So, I just thought that I would point that out to you. : )
the salty tears are still running down her now ashen cheeks.
I really love this line. The way you described it was amazing. You could actually picture the way her face looked as she was crying, and you could actually see the tears falling down her face. Brilliant, love, just brilliant. =)
I am about to continue but her eyes are flooded with confusion.
Again, just a little thing. There should be a comma after “continue”. =)
She knows enough hexes to write a spell book, and is described by her own family member (a certain Sirius Black) as a sadist.
The comma after “book” doesn’t need to be there. “Is described” doesn’t start a new sentence, love. I do, however, love the way you phrased the part in parenthesis. Lol. It’s something so small, but I don’t know.. I just like how it’s worded and all that. Lol.
he deserves to be at ease, and know that no one is going to force him to kill the one he cares for.
Comma not needed after “ease”. =) Same reason as the other one, love.
But why is her mission; to get me, a worthless Muggle-born, killed?
Eep. Okay, the semi-colon isn’t needed after “mission”, so I think it should be something like “But why is her mission to get me, a worthless Muggle-born, killed?” I may be wrong, but I do think that’s how it’s supposed to be. Lol.
Yes, so nothing wrong that’s too big. =)
I do really like this though. The first sentence already held my attention, and the rest of the story just pulled me in even more. As I’ve said already, the emotion throughout this story was just amazing. You two did a wonderful job at keeping the reader pulled into the story. I didn’t get distracted by anything else while reading this, and I could actually picture the two of them in the Hospital Wing and all of that. It was just so well written, I couldn’t help but review it. You two are great writers, and I really do love this story. It’s definitely one of my favorites. =)
Keep up the great work, love. *hugs*
Lexy, I really enjoyed this story. To be honest, I probably wouldn’t have read something like this since it’s not the typical thing I would read, but if it wasn’t for you mentioning it, I wouldn’t have found out just how amazing it really is.
The description in the beginning of the story was brilliantly done. You described everything in the room, while still just making it so the reader would picture it instead of showing the reader what it looked like. I applaud you for your amazing writing skills with that. I, personally, would have never been able to do that. Lol.
I just have a quick question. You wrote ”a large sofa, made of damask,” in one of the paragraphs where you were describing the room. What exactly is damask? I’m probably just a little slow with it, but I honestly have no idea what it is. Lol.
Now, I really think you know your characters well. You’ve written them wonderfully in this chapter. And I also think that you made a brilliant choice with having it be in First Person point of view. I don’t think it would have seemed right if it was written any other way. And I’d also like to applaud you for that. Writing in first person tends to be difficult sometimes, and yet, you managed to do it wonderfully. Great job!
Onto other things… ;)
The house-elf’s large tennis green eyes filled up with tears and it sunk down into a low bow,”
This sentence. You need a comma before “and it…”. Without the comma, it would be a run-on. Since if you took out “and” it could be read as two separate sentences, love.
I hope that you had already thought of a way for punishing yourself.”
Two things for this sentence. First, if the reader doesn’t read the summary for some reason, they wouldn’t know that the story is about a Pureblood family. This sentence, however, honestly can show you that. The way that the character speaks to the house-elf, and the way that she feels about the house-elf, is blatantly shown here. Second, I believe “had” should be switched to “have”. It seems as though the rest of the story, and the sentence, is written in present-tense. By having it say “had”, you switched tenses and went into the past-tense. ;)
I wasn’t the only one who felt this was; Belladonna agreed with me, too.
This confused me. I don’t think you finished the first part of the sentence. She felt this was what? And Belladonna agreed with what? I think you should double check that, just to make sure you didn’t leave something out. I’m pretty sure you did, as I really didn’t understand what they were talking about in this part. Lol.
interrupting the look of distaste she choose to waste on our servant
One small thing. “Choose” should be “chose.” :)
Can’t you even come up with your own insults or do you just have to copy mine?
Two things with this.
First, in the sentence before this one, you already had Belladonna call her a “copy-cat”. That would, of course, imply that she would copy something that Belladonna had said or did. So, the second part of this technically isn’t needed. Since we already know she called her a copy-cat, adding in the second part is just repeating yourself, love.
Second, even without the sentence before this one, I don’t think you need to have the second part of this sentence. Since Belladonna said that she can’t come up with her own insults, that just implies that she had obviously said the same thing that Belladonna had already said.
But, in the end, if you wanted to keep this as it is, you would need a comma before “or” since both parts of it could be read as two separate sentences if you had wanted it to be that way. :)
I believe that was all I wanted to point out to you. I really did enjoy the story. You are a wonderful writer, love, and I look forward to reading the next chapter of this story, so please… update soon, yeah?
Author's Response: Dude. I can't believe it took me this long to respond to your review. Sorry, Toffie!
Thank you. I think I put a lot of effort into the description, but it was a long time ago, so I don't really remember ;)
Uhm, Damask is this really expensive material. The sort of thing that you can only afford if you're mega mega rich. I presonally don't own anything made from it :L.
Thank you for th corrections. As soon as I can be bothered, I'll change them! I'm glad you enjoyed it. If I ever get round to finishing chapter two, I'll let you know (: [Squishes]
Wow, Minna. The first paragraph of this story, though long as it is, was amazingly wonderful with all the details you gave. I’m not a Snape lover, I don’t really like him too much, but… I like the way you describe how his parents even got together. The fact that Tobias was terrified of Eileen was kind of funny in a way. Just because of the fact that her making pillows move around the room was the reason for why he was afraid of her being a witch. *shrug* That may just be my sense of humour, lol, but I thought it was pretty entertaining. ;)
Severus, who had really only wanted to make some pretty pictures for his darling mother, began to cry, which only made things worse. Eileen could not abide tears
Aw, that just broke my heart. The fact that he was just a toddler, pretty much, and wanted to do something nice for his mother, and she reacted that way. :( That made me sad. It’s awful to see parents act that way toward their children, even if it’s only in a story. That was really awful, I don’t like it when parents act that way. When they act as though the mess was the only thing the child was attempting to create, instead of looking at the photo that they were making for them. *sigh* Okay. Moving on…lol.
And always there was the helpless horror of watching the woman who was the light of his life, his anchor and protector, reduced to shielding herself as best she could as a man much taller and bulkier than she rained blows upon her.
Oh wow. That is just..awful! But the way you wrote this part was brilliant, love. It flowed very nicely, and got the picture of what was done perfectly, and it made you feel the horror that Snape had while having to sit there and watch something like that happen to his own mother, knowing that there was nothing he could to stop his father. *shakes head* Just awful. A child having to sit there and watch that.
he also realized that even if a Muggle bested a witch or wizard, it was with pointless, artless violence.
So true, so true. I love how you put that in there. That Muggles always use pointless, artless violence when fighting with someone. It’s true in real life, and I like that it stays that way even in a story. Instead of making it seem like Muggles fight better than witches or wizards do, or vice versa, or whatnot. Lol. Absolutely brilliant, though. :)
The way you ended the story was brilliant, too. By showing his reason for why he wrote his name as The Half-Blood Prince instead of writing Severus Snape.
It’s amazing what a story can do to change your views of a person even the tiniest bit. I still won’t say that I like Snape, because I don’t, but you showed a side of him that we didn’t get to see, really. The side that shows why he is the way he is as an adult, the side that you can show compassion for because it honestly wasn’t his fault that he turned out that way. It was also great to see a story that’s different, ya know? One that didn’t focus on Snape being the one that was beaten as a child, or one that doesn’t focus on him being the one that was abused in any way, shape, or form. It was nice to see something besides that, that still coincides with him being the way he is.
Bravo, my dear, bravo. :) I really enjoyed reading this. There was honestly…nothing wrong with it at all. XD Great job.
Author's Response: Gawd, the levitating things thing. I don't know why, but that's always how I first imagine characters proving to doubting Muggles that they're wizards. I did it in a drabble once, too. I should find other ways. x.x As for the two horrifying little scenes you quoted, I thought they would show what Snape's childhood was like that he became what he did...later in the review you say he wasn't "abused in any way, shape, or form" but the point kind of was that though he wasn't abused physically (which is kind of a canon fact, I thought...because there were memories of his mom being hit while he looked on but not of his being hit) he was definitely abused emotionally - both by the father he hated and the mother he loved. Even if he didn't realize it. But I'm definitely glad you like it...I enjoy writing stories that try to explain something not fully explained in canon, and I think you paid me the highest compliment possible when you said that I changed your view of Snape, "even the tiniest bit." -hugs- Thanks, Tiff.