I love the Harry Potter books and started reading fanfiction after Book 7 because I was fascinated with Lily and James' relationship. I love Maurader-era stories just because there's so much room to play with.
Sometimes my criticism is a little too harsh. I apologize. It just makes me so angry to read about weak women or strange gender inequalities in relationships. I may sound harsh, but I hold my fanfiction to high standards. I think fanfiction has a lot of potential and because of that potential, it deserves to be criticized like a real work. I am more than willing to beta for anyone or give anyone my opinion if he or she would like it. I also won't be offended if you don't agree with me. My opinion by no means is the be-all, end-all.
Most importantly, I don't try and review to put people down. I review because something about what I read made me care about the writer and his/her story. If the review is critical, it's because I thought the writer or story has/had potential and can improve in the future. I always try and be specific about what I don't like so that the author can try and see my point of view. I think it's helpful to point out what you didn't like. As you can see, though, my strong reactions make me somewhat repetitive.
Finally, to go back to Lily/James stories, I love original, stories that don't rely on cliches. I like my characters three dimensional and complex. I also like canon, but I'm always up for a little exploring into AU.
Great story. It was wonderful. I felt like the characterizations were spot on, there was lots of action, and the romance part was subtle but still present. My only critique is I would love to see Lily be a great fighter. She rocks at charms, and I loved that you gave her her own fight scene. I'd love to see more! Great job.
I'm really enjoying this, and I guess I never thought about it, but I guess James' patronus wouldn't necessarily be a stag.
Oh my God. That was the creepiest chapter. I was so confused, but intrigued. I kept thinking, "Time-turner? Is he going to go back and save everyone?" I never caught on it was a dream... there was maybe a hint at the very end. Wow. Powerful.
I imagine that Lily is a braver person than this. It works for your fic and everything, but she was in the Order and great at spells. She's also a Gryffindor. I just imagine her being able to do a bit better job at taking care of herself.
Seems a little quick and superficial for love.
I thought this was going well until you started including all the author's notes in the middle of the chapter. It was jarring. I was also confused about the point of the Muggle-life. What does that have to do with Transfiguration? Even if it did have something to do with it, I don't think McGonagall would embarrass students like that in class by showing really personal stuff to everyone. I don't see what they could learn from it either.
I think you should have stayed with one voice. Switching to first person was strange. I think its better to be consistent. You can write those thoughts he's having from a third person. Switching to first doesn't add anything.
"And you said I'M the most difficult person.." he muttered. Lily stared up at him in shock. - This could have been clearer on how it made James confess. It took me awhile to realize she only told the stag that. I also think you should have explained the curse in more detail. Why is it so bad to use? Why does it react differently? I just wanted more info.
I;m not trying to be harsh, but I can't really finish this fic. It's strange because it feels like two different stories squashed into one. The first half and second half are so different. You started with an original concept, and then it seemed to lose its focus. The author's comments throughout the story or referring to yourself of your characters or your fic really ruin it for me. It breaks the spell of the story and is jarring.
It's a nice idea, but the whole James-turns-into-a-stag to find out what's wrong with Lily (got tired of hyphenating) has been done. It also doesn't really seem like that poem was really the big thing to change her mind. Cute idea though.
This is a really great story. I loved how you worked in everything. My only complaint is the stuff at the beginning with Voldermort seemed a little anti-climatic. I loved the relationships you created and how you let Lily and Remus rock the house a few times. I understood why Sirius thought it was Remus and how Peter orchestrated everything. I think you've also written the best Peter-turning I've ever read. You made him so complex in these two stories. I loved it!!!! These are definitely two of my favorite stories, the Maurader-era stories I was looking for! I don't even know what else I can say to rant and rave about these! Just fantastic.
Yay! Lily being a badass. I love it.
James' patronus changed into a phoenix? Was that an accident? I also caught another error, but I'm not sure what it was. It was a chapter or two ago... Hmmm...
Author's Response: yeah, sorry about that! that was definitely an error, which i guess i didn\'t catch (thought i\'d been thorough but there you go!) if you remember the other, do tell me, i\'d like to go back and edit my stupidity!
I love Slughorn. You should go back (if you can) and include him in Veiled Revelations. I'm a little confused on whether Remus knows Lily and James are with Dumbeldore or not.
This is absolutely delightful. I loved the characterizations of both characters, and I especially enjoyed the insight into Remus' character. It was charming in the dialogue and plot, and I very much enjoyed reading it.
A final note - I enjoyed the length. Not all authors know when to stop, and this had a distinct beginning, middle, and end. It ended at exactly the right time.
My one criticism is how Tonks was already in love and hinting at it. It speaks to your characterization of her and her dialogue that it worked. It wasn't jarring. Honestly, my complaint is more of a preference than a writing technique. It just seemed a little quick is all.
Good work, and thanks for sharing!
I like how you came up with this story. I wasn't sure how he was going to make the stars fall until you mentioned DD. I like how it fits in with the first book, and it was a nice L/J story.
I didn't really like the yelling at whole Lilly bit. If what her friend said is true, then why should we like Lilly? That means she's just really judgmental. And it's hard to believe that she would call her a "sadistic bitch" to Sirius. I can maybe understand the yelling in the heat of the moment, but that's a little overboard. She's not a very good friend then.
Finally on the Lilly thing, I'm sure she has good reason to dislike James a little. If she doesn't it makes it hard to believe he would like someone who was so mean. Why would we root for him to get the girl if the girl sucks so much?
That fight seemed pretty major for them to make up that quickly. It was also one of those apologies where it felt like Helen never really apologized.
It's really cute. I really like your version of how she agreed to go on the first date a lot better than how it happens most of the time. I really like the characterizations and the humor of it.
It confused me when you said James was a prefect because I thought there were only two from each House - one boy (Remus) and one girl (Lily). Just thought I'd mention it....
Author's Response: Huh... I\'m actually not sure about that. Let me check that out. Uh.. can\'t find anything. Sorry about the confusion. I just made there be two prefects per House- splits up the responsibilites, right? HEhe.