I love the Harry Potter books and started reading fanfiction after Book 7 because I was fascinated with Lily and James' relationship. I love Maurader-era stories just because there's so much room to play with.
Sometimes my criticism is a little too harsh. I apologize. It just makes me so angry to read about weak women or strange gender inequalities in relationships. I may sound harsh, but I hold my fanfiction to high standards. I think fanfiction has a lot of potential and because of that potential, it deserves to be criticized like a real work. I am more than willing to beta for anyone or give anyone my opinion if he or she would like it. I also won't be offended if you don't agree with me. My opinion by no means is the be-all, end-all.
Most importantly, I don't try and review to put people down. I review because something about what I read made me care about the writer and his/her story. If the review is critical, it's because I thought the writer or story has/had potential and can improve in the future. I always try and be specific about what I don't like so that the author can try and see my point of view. I think it's helpful to point out what you didn't like. As you can see, though, my strong reactions make me somewhat repetitive.
Finally, to go back to Lily/James stories, I love original, stories that don't rely on cliches. I like my characters three dimensional and complex. I also like canon, but I'm always up for a little exploring into AU.
"Love is unexplainable. There are no words for it. You can’t express why you feel so. It just happens," James said. "“Don’t you think that if I had the choice I would have chosen to love someone who didn’t hate me in return?”
“No,” Sirius said simply.
“You’re right.” James said, sighing. “I’m so screwed up, Padfoot.”
The drama-filled romantic tale of Lily and James's mysterious but unfortunate tale. It started with love and ended with death. It makes you wonder about the things they tried to live for. Pre-HBP
I think Lily's friends are giving her a hard time. Just because you love someone doesn't mean it's time to get married. And I don't get how Halle and Sirius are married. He just proposed. I'm disappointed to how oblivious the teachers are in this.
Sorry, I know this is getting redundant. I want you to know I take the time because I really like your writing. I know you've passed this (as you said in your author's profile) but I still would like to take the time to give feedback. Normally people talk about getting married before doing it. Marriage is mroe complicated. I think everyone is being too hard on Lily. They should have discussed it. I also don't feel like the characters have evolved in a natural way since the beginning of the story.
I like this story, but I think it was more poignant to have her stay insane. I know it sounds weird, but the potion is a little too deus ex machina. And why can they only make one? I think Katy had a good point saying that someone more important could need the potion. Finally, the story is a little too coupley for me. Why does everyone need a girlfriend/boyfriend? I guess that was one reason it was more poignant that Halle was in a coma. It gave Sirius's character more dimensions.
I think its almost an insult to Dumbeldore to think he would hire someone like this or not be aware of what's going on. And Sirius engaged? That's moving a little fast. There's more to relationships than being in love and being engaged. A lot happens in between. It also doesn't seem cannon. Wouldn't we know about this person?
I think this is the point where your story got a little out of control. Even the detentions Harry went through with Umbridge weren;t this bad. And I don't think Dumbeldore would ever hire someone accused and convicted of passing along info. He cares about the students too much and probably knows what this woman was like. Also - Lily never addressed James imperious-ing her. That's not cool.
Summary: The Hogwarts Express brings mystery and mischief in the Marauders' seventh and final year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter are facing a year of N.E.W.T.s, romance, intrigue, and, of course, a little mischief-making. There are plot twists galore! James (in the midst of saving the world) continues desperately to try to woo the incorrigible Lily Evans. Sirius deals with family problems while dealing with his incredible popularity and good looks (the horror!). Remus is provided with a backdoor to avoiding the prejudices of the inevitable real world, but at what cost? (dun-dun-dun) And Peter...well, Peter gets himself a girlfriend (but don't worry: it doesn't affect his hero-worshipping of James...or DOES IT?!)
Great story. It was wonderful. I felt like the characterizations were spot on, there was lots of action, and the romance part was subtle but still present. My only critique is I would love to see Lily be a great fighter. She rocks at charms, and I loved that you gave her her own fight scene. I'd love to see more! Great job.
I'm really enjoying this, and I guess I never thought about it, but I guess James' patronus wouldn't necessarily be a stag.
Oh my God. That was the creepiest chapter. I was so confused, but intrigued. I kept thinking, "Time-turner? Is he going to go back and save everyone?" I never caught on it was a dream... there was maybe a hint at the very end. Wow. Powerful.
Summary: *How far would you go for love?* "If you touch her again, I'll kill you." "Go ahead for I'll come to her again and again." *Is it worth it?* "James leave her alone, she's no good for you." "Don't say a word against Lily!" *Will it last?* "It's forever, I've known it sice the day I met you." "Forever is a long time." "Not if you love someone..." I am finally re-editing this story, please take a look and see all the new stuff!
I imagine that Lily is a braver person than this. It works for your fic and everything, but she was in the Order and great at spells. She's also a Gryffindor. I just imagine her being able to do a bit better job at taking care of herself.
Summary: Lily Evans deals with a sixth year at Hogwarts, and a first year as Head Girl. To her frustration, the Head Boy is none other than James Potter. As the year progresses, they fight many evils, Malfoy, tryouts for the Huddersfield Hurricanes Quidditch team, and their growing affection for each other. Some mentions of SC but nothing over PG-13. PLEASE R&R!
Seems a little quick and superficial for love.
Summary: Starts out in James and Lily's 7th year at Hogwarts. Not exactly your average James/Lily
I thought this was going well until you started including all the author's notes in the middle of the chapter. It was jarring. I was also confused about the point of the Muggle-life. What does that have to do with Transfiguration? Even if it did have something to do with it, I don't think McGonagall would embarrass students like that in class by showing really personal stuff to everyone. I don't see what they could learn from it either.
I think you should have stayed with one voice. Switching to first person was strange. I think its better to be consistent. You can write those thoughts he's having from a third person. Switching to first doesn't add anything.
"And you said I'M the most difficult person.." he muttered. Lily stared up at him in shock. - This could have been clearer on how it made James confess. It took me awhile to realize she only told the stag that. I also think you should have explained the curse in more detail. Why is it so bad to use? Why does it react differently? I just wanted more info.
I;m not trying to be harsh, but I can't really finish this fic. It's strange because it feels like two different stories squashed into one. The first half and second half are so different. You started with an original concept, and then it seemed to lose its focus. The author's comments throughout the story or referring to yourself of your characters or your fic really ruin it for me. It breaks the spell of the story and is jarring.
Summary: Lily is staying at Hogwarts over Christmas break for the first time, and since her friend won’t be with her, Lily thought that she’ll experience a miserable Christmas. Guess who’s going to cheer her up? The Marauders, of course! Will they succeed? Or make things even worse? Knowing the Marauders, it’s probably the latter...
It's a nice idea, but the whole James-turns-into-a-stag to find out what's wrong with Lily (got tired of hyphenating) has been done. It also doesn't really seem like that poem was really the big thing to change her mind. Cute idea though.
Summary: In this riveting sequel to the "acclaimed" Veiled Revelations, Voldemort has risen to his full strength and is threatening both the wizarding world and the muggle world in an attempt to gain total control. A small group of people - the Order of the Phoenix - are all that stand in his way. Join James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, and Lily Evans as they battle the most evil wizard the world has ever seen. (Reviews are always nice and appreciated - and Erik has rated this story 6th-7th years as a result of her incorrigible pride).
This is a really great story. I loved how you worked in everything. My only complaint is the stuff at the beginning with Voldermort seemed a little anti-climatic. I loved the relationships you created and how you let Lily and Remus rock the house a few times. I understood why Sirius thought it was Remus and how Peter orchestrated everything. I think you've also written the best Peter-turning I've ever read. You made him so complex in these two stories. I loved it!!!! These are definitely two of my favorite stories, the Maurader-era stories I was looking for! I don't even know what else I can say to rant and rave about these! Just fantastic.
Yay! Lily being a badass. I love it.
James' patronus changed into a phoenix? Was that an accident? I also caught another error, but I'm not sure what it was. It was a chapter or two ago... Hmmm...
Author's Response: yeah, sorry about that! that was definitely an error, which i guess i didn\'t catch (thought i\'d been thorough but there you go!) if you remember the other, do tell me, i\'d like to go back and edit my stupidity!
I love Slughorn. You should go back (if you can) and include him in Veiled Revelations. I'm a little confused on whether Remus knows Lily and James are with Dumbeldore or not.
In her seventh year at Hogwarts, Lily starts to feel she'll never find love. That is, until a familar looking masked man sweeps her off her ruleabiding feet. Pre-HBP, AU
This was a great story. One of the best I've read concerning Lily and James. Voldermort was an actual threat, people were in character, and Lily and James didn't yell at each other just to yell. She also had an appropriate reaction when he took the mask off. I loved it.