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My name is Cassie and I write fics for your enjoyment!
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Things Lost In The Fire by Hermione_Rocks
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 11]

Summary: Perhaps Dolores Umbridge didn't just take Moody's eye and stick it on her door because she wanted to spy on her employees. Perhaps Dolores Umbridge wasn't just wearing Salazar's locket because she relished the feeling of power the Horcrux instilled in her. Perhaps there is more to this woman's story than what it might first appear to be.

This is a story of differences, similarities, and love -- a story that goes beyond what the eye can see.

Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: Character Death, Sexual Situations

Word count: 12590 Chapters: 2 Completed: Yes
Published:
09/07/08 Updated: 10/19/08


Reviewer: cassie123 Signed
Date: 09/08/08 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter One

Wow, I have no idea how you've made this pairing work so well. It's amazing. At first I was a little concerned about them both being placed in Slytherin, and I still disagree that they would have been. But honestly, you've made it so easy to look past that detail. I'm in awe of this story, and I can't wait for more.

Author's Response: Yes, it's certainly an unusual pairing, but I, for one, think it's a very fitting match! Glad you're liking it too. :) My beta also expressed some concerns about both of them being Slytherins (she wasn't sure if Moody had been), but I'm quite hooked on the idea, to be frank. Anyhow, thank you for the review, hope to see you again for the next chapter! :D

 

The Lions of Gryffindor by Equinox Chick
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 335]

Summary: Past Featured StoryIt is June 1976 and The Marauders are at the top of their game. From the outside they look to have everything.But appearances, as the saying goes, can be deceptive.

James is discovering that not everything in life is his for the taking. Sirius knows he will have to defy his formidable family. Remus lives in constant fear of his life beyond Hogwarts. As for Peter... Well, Peter is struggling to live up to his friends.

The ties of friendship are strong, but war is raging and with a dark power rising those ties will inevitably fray.

Added to the mix is an adversary called Severus Snape, some lost House Points, a prank or two and a whole lot of Lily.

This is a Marauder tale.

This is a story of what made them special.

This is a story of why it started to go wrong for The Lions of Gryffindor.

OH MY GOOD GODRIC! Lions of Gryffindor won the 2009 QSQ for Best Marauders' Era Story. Amazed and incredibly grateful to those who nominated, judged and have beta'd this fic. THANK YOU.

.·ˆ¯)...(¯ˆ·.
¸.·ˆˆˆ(ºvº)ˆˆˆ·.¸
m m

Trick or Treat!
3. She clicks on her mouse and swipes her wand;
Some stories go up, and some stories are gone.
Stories of her own? Why, she has plenty!
Fewer than one-hundred, but far more than twenty.



Categories: Marauder Era Genre: Warnings: Mild Profanity

Word count: 110875 Chapters: 23 Completed: No
Published:
09/10/08 Updated: 04/28/12


Reviewer: cassie123 Signed
Date: 06/18/09 Title: Chapter 10: Chapter 10 Caught in the Crossfire

Well, Carole, I promised myself after I’d abandoned you and your lovely stories that I would pop in and drop you a nice, long review. So here I am! First of all, I love this story for its unique look at Marauder Era. You don’t use clichs; you use original ideas and work your way through an interesting and new plot. It’s a true talent to be able to avoid clichs and unoriginality as you do.

I really like your Marauder characterisation through this chapter. Be honest, are my jokes funny?” / Remus shrugged. “Not particularly.” / “I thought not. So why does she keep cackling at them? I mean even Wormy told me to shut up,” James complained.This seems to be one big rebellion from MWPP clichs. James isn’t arrogant enough to think his jokes are funny, and Peter isn’t the shy and timid being writers often portray him as. Peter’s willing to stand up to his friends to a certain extent, rather than simply worship every detail of them.

Sirius wasn’t listening but was looking into the distance. “I no longer exist,” he said thoughtfully. “That’s what Regulus said. They must have blasted me off the damn tapestry – just like Andromeda.” I really like this part, as I sense, although you don’t explicitly hint at it, that he’s saddened by his brother’s words and the prospect of being ‘blasted’ out of his family’s existence. He knows he put himself there, so he can’t blatantly express his sadness, but it’s there nonetheless. I really enjoyed how you brought Regulus into this part, just so we could get some insight into Sirius’s character, despite the chapter being in Lily’s POV.

I found the part when McGonagall tells the girls that their friend was attacked quite thrilling to read. A horrible circumstance only to be brought on by Death Eaters and Voldemort. I like that you acknowledge that until this moment, the girls are fairly naive to the situation they are in, and that the war is only just beginning. “I don’t think we expected anything like this to happen to someone we knew,” finished Lily in a small voice. This phrase sums this up perfectly. They’re now entirely in the know, and understand the bleak future they are headed for. So well done for this part!

“Rodney, here,” continued James, “is a Muggle-born and a huge fan of mine.” / “He said he was a Quidditch fan, Prongs,” Remus stated, “not a fan of you personally.” I love the humour here; it suits the Marauders perfectly. And they do seem the type to carry on joking and laughing to lighten a dark time. Good job for capturing their characters well here.

Nitpick time! :P

“You should eat that,” said James, pointing to the pumpkin pasty, “whilst it’s still warm. This is just a really minor characterisation thing, but I think James would be more inclined to say ‘while’ than ‘whilst’. ‘Whilst’ seems more proper and formal, and James has never really protruded those traits.

“Duelling practice? Really, boys, you should wait until you’re in school at least, I hate deducting points this early on. There’s a run on sentence in this. There should be a full stop after ‘least’, or perhaps a semicolon. Personally, I’d go with the full stop.

He glanced at the floor appearing to notice Lily forthe first time. You need a space between ‘for’ and ‘the’ and also a comma after ‘floor’.
“Course not, sweetheart, I’ll see you later, maybe.” I think this should read instead as ”’Course not, sweetheart. I’ll see you later, maybe.”

“Professor McGonagall,” she began. “I cannot tell you anymore than I said in my letter. I would like the perpetrators to come forward and I really think that given time they will, so I do not wish to ... err ... inform on them.” I think there should be a comma after ‘began’. I also found through this that Lily seemed a little too proper and well-spoken. She’s a teenager. I think you get away with it as she’s speaking to a teacher, but it is something to consider.

He felt for his wand that he’d stowed under his robe; his eyes never leaving Snape’s face. The semicolon should be a comma here. If it had been ‘his eyes never left Snape’s face’ you would use the semicolon, as it’s its own sentence.

By far his most favourite pupil, he trusted Lily’s version of events far more than Mulciber’s. This sort of shifts to Slughorn’s POV, when so far it’s been Lily’s. You can easily fix this to remain consistent and have it read Lily knew that Slughorn liked her, and would trust her version of events far more than he would Mulciber’s. Or something along those lines.

You do shift POV quite a bit in this. It becomes a little disjointed and confusing for the reader. You started one part with Remus as the narrator, but then change to Lily quite quickly with no ‘*’ to indicate the change. Just be careful with your perspectives, and consider whose POV you’re writing in before you allow that character to leave the room and carry on with the story.

Overall, Carole, you’ve written a quirky and entertaining chapter as usual. The characters continue to do new things and develop in ways that others have never written before. Your writing has also improved drastically; you’re adding bits of description here and there to aid your readers along the way. It’s great to witness this, so keep it up!

- Cassie

Author's Response: Thank you, Cassie, for such a well-thought out, informative and wonderful review. It means a lot to me that you enjoyed it, and that you think I've improved. I have fixed the nitpicks. You're right about Lily, who is the person I struggle with the most. I'm also aware that they all sound a bit too adult at times. I really need to start hanging around with teenagers again - LOL. Although a seventies teenager would be quite different from a Trio or Next Gen one. (where's my Timeturner?) Now, James I do see as being fairly formal because I think his parents are. I also think Sirius is reasonably formal although they would both start toning down their 'proper' voices as soon as they left the confines of their homes.

POV switches. Mmm, I know. It was something you always pulled me up on. I guess I get bored with one person's thoughts. Perhaps I need to think of the third person omniscent and make it more obvious that I'm switching POVs.

Thank you again for the review, but ... can't you see how much I need you, Cassie? *winks*

Carole xxx

 

Summary: The war is over, the battles have been won. Hermione, Ron and Harry are settling down into a world without Voldemort, and for once in their lives, everything is going smoothly.

Until they travel to Australia to find Hermione's parents. As experienced as they are, nothing could prepare them for this - kangaroos, the scorching sun, a Wizarding community completely different from theirs, and one little problem no one was expecting ...

Categories: Post-Hogwarts Genre: Warnings: Mild Profanity

Word count: 9094 Chapters: 3 Completed: No
Published:
10/25/08 Updated: 05/08/09


Reviewer: cassie123 Signed
Date: 01/09/09 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter Two: It's Been Far Too Long Since You Went Away

Aw, Jen. I love this story. The idea is always something I've wanted to see someone explore, especially by an Aussie. I'm so excited for them to actually arrive in Australia because I know you, being Australian, will create a really authentic setting. I can't wait to see what you do with the Australian school, too. (I've said 'Australian' like fifty times already.)

Your writing style is really refreshing. You provide the perfect amount of information without going overboard with your descriptions. It seems to just flow, making the story a really easy read.

Your Hermione characterisation is spot-on, as well. You portray her need to see her parents really well, and still show her true character despite having taken her out of any context she's previously been seen in.

The Ron/Hermione relationship seems really natural, although Ron seems a bit different. He's not out of character though, but simply changed due to his feelings for Hermione being out in the open. Well, that's how I see it, at least. They interact differently now that they're together. You've done that very well.

‘Don’t touch,’ Hermione whispered as he reached for the computer.

Perfect characterisation there, on both parts. It also made me laugh :D

The little touches, like the use of 'Darren' and 'Sharon' made me laugh so much because it's simply so Aussie. I know that, had I been calling the Dental Association (because I'm always calling in for a chat, right?), I wouldn't have thought twice about those names. But because you've put them into a British context, they just seem to stand out.

Your attention to detail makes me certain the next chapters will be just as brilliant.

‘Not in front of Australians, though,’ he groaned, slumping his head down onto the table.

Probably the most hilarious line ever. We're such scary people to make speeches in front of! You have Ron's sense of humour down perfectly.

Update soon, dear.

~ Cass x

Author's Response: *giggles madly* I love you. I am so glad that you enjoyed it, my darling fellow Aussie. :D I'm excited about writing the Australian school, too - it was the main reason I wanted to do this fic. >.< Yay! for you liking my writing style! That actually makes me so happy. As does the characterisation comments. I'm always a bit worried with the trio. ^_^ Yes, I worry about everything. Thank you for a wonderful review, dear. :D

 
Reviewer: cassie123 Signed
Date: 11/06/08 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter One: Now We're Back To The Beginning

Eep. I'm excited for the rest of this story. You've started it wonderfully and I can't wait till they get to Australia. I've attempted to write this same idea before, but failed miserably. Although, I did use the plane idea, too. It'll be good to see Ron's reaction. I'll keep reading, dear. Good job. ~ Cass xox

Author's Response: Yay Cass! Thanks for your kind comments, dear. And I'm sure you didn't fail miserably! *rolls eyes* *squishes*

 

Five Weeks by Equinox Chick
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 19]

Summary: When Nymphadora Tonks arrived at the Ministry to save Harry and his friends, she was a young, fearless Auror. Five weeks later she’s a mess. Her once vibrant hair is a drab brown and she can barely smile. Has she lost her nerve? Is it guilt over Sirius’ death? Or is something else happening in her life that has ridden roughshod over her unusual powers?

I am Equinox Chick from Hufflepuff and this is my entry for Round 7 of The Gauntlet.

Special thanks to Cassie (ms leading) for beta'ing this for me.

Categories: Mystery Genre: Warnings: Character Death, Mild Profanity

Word count: 8786 Chapters: 3 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/18/08 Updated: 11/27/08


Reviewer: cassie123 Signed
Date: 11/28/08 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1 - Her Day to Die

Yay, they're all up! Validation went so smoothly. I loved this story and your representation of Tonks' grief for Sirius and her relationship with Remus. xox ~ Cassie

Author's Response: Thanks for keeping the story, and especially Remus, on track,Cassie. I'm glad you enjoyed the story.

Carole xxx

 

Imagining by KASK
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 12]

Summary: Dominique has always loved Teddy. The only problem? So has her sister...

Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2706 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
01/01/09 Updated: 01/10/09


Reviewer: cassie123 Signed
Date: 01/10/09 Title: Chapter 1: Imagining

Wow, KASK.

Your writing is really beautiful. You seem to capture emotions really well, and in this particular story, Dom's anguish is portrayed wonderfully.

I love that she never told anyone, because she knew what the consequences would be.

Love or family? Family. This is good characterisation, showing how very 'Weasley' she is. I love that you can represent her pain and also show that she's still a good person despite it.

The interaction between Bill and Dom is wonderful; definitely how I could see Bill as a father. He's well connected to them and keeps a level-head during their conflict.

It’s not easy to live with a rainbow. I love this line. I can see how Dom would feel out-shone by Victoire, and the ten months thing that you brought back in at the end is great.

The only thing that wasn't perfect for me was when Teddy says he had thought about the ten months as well. It seemed as though that could be something left unsaid, because saying so would only lead to more regret. Other than that, the moment between Teddy and Dom was really believable and honest, and I loved it.

This was a really interesting idea and you did it extremely well.

~ Cassie

 

Rebel Stars by Mistletoe
Rated: 6th-7th Years [Reviews - 11]

Summary: Past Featured StoryIn which Remus considers his feelings and hesitations as he once again steals away on a nightly rendezvous with Sirius.

Winner of the 2009 QSQ for Best Same-Sex Pairing! =]

Categories: Remus/Sirius Genre: Warnings: Sexual Situations, Slash

Word count: 1104 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
01/03/09 Updated: 01/10/09


Reviewer: cassie123 Signed
Date: 01/12/09 Title: Chapter 1: The stars are blazing...

Ooh. Its up! I read it over just because I love it so much. I picked up on some nitpicks, although I remember betaing them so you must have just forgot to change them.

“Are you alright, Moony?” This should be 'all right' as 'alright' is not a word :)

the wicked smile overtakes your lips and concerns you have for your future. Both 'overtakes' and 'have' are in present tense, whereas the rest of your story is in past.

I love your writing in this, Kat. So I just had to review :)

~ Cassie

Author's Response: Thanks, Cassie! I must have missed those when going back through the story >.> Weird. I'm glad you really do enjoy it--I had a lot of fun writing it.

 

With Narcissa by Indigoenigma
Rated: Professors [Reviews - 7]

Summary: Past Featured StoryThe winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.

Lily can understand that this is unfortunately true.



This is Jenna's. She requested it for SPEW's SSIV.

Categories: Femmeslash Genre: Warnings: Sexual Situations, Slash

Word count: 3566 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
01/06/09 Updated: 01/14/09


Reviewer: cassie123 Signed
Date: 01/15/09 Title: Chapter 1: With Narcissa

It's not often that I read slash fics, because the pairings usually don't interest me. Narcissa/Lily? An entirely unlikely pairing, and yet you've made it completely believable in this one shot.

Slash fics are rarely emotive enough for my liking, and simply rely on using the individuals confusion and worry about what the other person will think of them. You've avoided this completely, and it's worked extremely well.

Even in a situation that is so not 'canon', you've characterised these girls extremely well.

“What do you want?” the girl asked, managing to convey a tone of haughty superiority despite her startled state. This I loved as it captures her character perfectly. It's easy to lose a sense of who characters are when writing romance, but you keep them well in line!

I also liked how you don't showJames and Lily's relationship in a good light; it makes the Lily/Narcissa relationship seem all the more plausible for your one shot.

Threading the fire and cold through the story was done really well, and I didn't pick out any flaws.

I loved it. :)

Author's Response: I'm glad that you enjoyed it, even though you broke your norm. Thanks for the review!

 

A Certain Slant of Light by Hatusu
Rated: Professors [Reviews - 61]

Summary: Past Featured Story

At age fifteen, Regulus Black became sole heir to the largest fortune in Wizarding London. At sixteen, his abnormal intelligence won him entry into the most notorious cult of Dark wizards on earth. At seventeen he made a mistake – one that he would never be able to take back – and his entire world came crashing down.

Enter London, 1979. The story of a boy who managed to defy Voldemort at the height of his regime. But what price did he have to pay?

Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: Abuse, Character Death, Mental Disorders, Non-Consensual Sex, Strong Profanity, Substance Abuse, Violence

Word count: 65364 Chapters: 10 Completed: No
Published:
01/11/09 Updated: 11/15/09


Reviewer: cassie123 Signed
Date: 05/31/09 Title: Chapter 4: Heavenfall

Maddy,

After reading this lovely chapter, along with your response to my last review, I agree entirely that Regulus would have decided to leave with or without Elise as his friend. You’ve written his experience as a DE thus far pretty much perfectly. I find that I agree entirely with the way you’ve written his journey so far.

I like that you wrote him as excited, rather than hesitant, to join in on the raids, as if he doesn’t truly understand what the consequences will be. Of course he doesn’t, otherwise he would never have joined in the first place. He’s naive at this stage, brainwashed even, and unaware of what effect his rash decision will have. “I heard it’ll be a massacre!” And I laughed along with them, speculating and making ridiculous bets, cheeks flushed and heart pounding in anticipation. His laughter after the word ‘massacre’ kind of startled me, however, as it gave the impression that he’s malicious, but after thinking about it, I agree with this aspect of characterisation in that it’s quite likely he wasn’t considering the reality of the words.

What amazed me most within this chapter is your ability to convey the reality of murder, of ending someone’s life. We see that Regulus had a fairly romanticised view of what life as a DE would be like: being powerful, superior, and deserving of respect – and now, after his first murder, reality sets in and he falls hard because of it. You’ll shove it to the back of your brain, hard, and you’ll keep it pinned there until something innocent crosses your path – a flower in a girl’s hair, the smell of smoke, the tinkling of a bell – and you’re done for. The memory rips through you like an animal unleashed, made more ferocious by its long captivity. This simply blows me away as it’s capturing the result of murder, and the fact that, once you’ve committed the crime, it’s unavoidable. I’ve always felt that Regulus would have reacted this way to what he had to do as a DE, and I was really pleased to see that you’ve written it this way in your fic. I believe many writers would avoid the complexities of being a DE and committing murder, or struggle to write it well, but you’ve written it with such believability. So really great job.

Does it sound like I went crazy? I did, for a few months. They have a clinical name for it, I think. Post-traumatic stress disorder mixed with a healthy dose of psychosis, cognitive hallucinations, and sleep paralysis. I loved this, because you’re connecting his experience to what is real, and that’s what many fanfic writers forget to do. Anyone who is basically forced to kill and witness horrible things is going to slowly lose touch with reality, with what’s right and what’s wrong. So I agree entirely with your decision to portray him as losing touch with the world. The world became a sort of spectral kaleidoscope, greens and greys and blues and A-flats and arpeggios all blurring into one another until sometimes I couldn’t even figure out where colour ended and sound began. This, of course, perfectly captures my point.

“There must be some mistake,” was all he said. I really felt for Regulus at this moment, because it’s quite a harsh thing, to hear your brother suggest that he doesn’t know you, nor want to know you. I found that it was very cruel of both James and Sirius to do this, but I suppose, in their eyes, Regulus deserves it. I found that, at first, I didn’t agree with this characterisation of James and Sirius, but we do see evidence of them being fairly cruel in the books. Even though I myself would never have thought to write Sirius this way, I certainly can’t consider it as a fault in characterisation as JKR has shown a fair bit of cruelty on his part, especially when his friends are around. This scene just struck me as interesting, that’s all.

The only nitpick I found in this was: reminding you that it is always, and will always, be waiting. I think the comma should be after ‘be’ as otherwise it’d read ‘reminding you that it is always be waiting’, which isn’t right.

I was fairly horrified during the scene with Lindsey, as I’m sure was your intention – to portray another awful side of the world of DEs. JKR only hinted at the concept of sexual assault with Fenrir Greyback (although I think that that was purely fan speculation) but I don’t doubt that it would have played a part in the DE’s lives. So this scene, for me, was reinforcing your ability to create perceptive and original ideas for your story. It also showed excellent characterisation skills, and the diversity between the DEs. You don’t just have everyone eager to assault the girl, but show a range of opinions. This is great because you’re proving that no character is the same, and some won’t reach a low that others will without hesitation. Regulus reaches a certain low by killing her rather than attempting to escape with her. I think it would have been unrealistic to do the latter, and I’m glad you didn’t.

I like that you included the fact that there was a funeral for Lindsey; this reinforces the fact that Regulus will not be able to escape what he’s done. It also suggests that he’s got it harder than the other DEs; do they have to face the funerals of those they’ve killed? I doubt it. Perhaps this is another factor contributing to Regulus’ rebellion.

I enjoy how you continue to reference things that we in the real world can relate to, such as art references and Muggle spirituality/religion, but I do question where Regulus would have got his hands on this stuff, as I can’t help but assume he would have been fairly sheltered for anything Muggle in his own home. I’m sure there’s always a way to find these things, but it’s just something I thought about...

Overall, an amazingly complex chapter, with loads of aspects of his life to take in and consider. I love that about this fic; it challenges us as readers, and gives us a whole new insight into the life of this character and those around him. I hope this review wasn’t too much of my own random thought. I try my best to critique you, dear, and usually fail to find any faults.

I’m ever so eager to read the next chapter.

- Cassie

Author's Response: As always, I have no idea how to convey my immense gratitude to you for writing this type of review. You said you were worried about adding too many of your own "random thoughts" but of course you shouldn't be at all, since your thoughts are always intelligent and thought-provoking in their own right. I never get sick of hearing them, and I always feel like I can never thank you enough for your close reading of this story.

I imagine, as I portrayed, that Regulus would be excited at the first thought of going on a mission for the Death Eaters. He was incredibly naive. and thought it would be something like a movie, or a game. XD I think Regulus is also kind of a "yes man" at this point in the story, i.e. he falls easily to peer pressure. That will change very soon. :)

Yep, the main tone I strived for in this fanfiction was realism; I came across this INCREDIBLE one-shot, "Afterimage" by Gravidy (it's on fanfiction.net), and it was just, the most beautiful thing I've ever read. It was gritty and it stressed realism above everything else, so from that point forward I was sold on the notion of adding realism to a magical world. Regulus does start to lose touch with reality in this chapter, as you pointed out, and it becomes more noticeable from here. This was my first try writing some who is slowing losing his mind -- and I think, by the end of the story, he really has. :( It's hard to convey losing your mind from first person because obviously, he'll always think he's being perfectly rational, when in fact, he's making these horrible, reckless decisions and completely falling apart. But, I'm getting ahead of where you are haha. I'll be interested to know it you think I pulled it off. :)

You're right about that comma placement; I'll change that. Yeah, it's interesting that J.K Rowling never mentioned sexual assault overtly, because most of her other depictions were pretty realistic. She seems to purposely avoid sexual assualt (or sex at all for that matter), even though she touches on other weighty topics not "appropriate" for a childrens' novel, i.e. cannabalism, genocide, and animated corpses. I'm not entirely sure why she was averse to it as I believe it would play a role and maybe even be a motivation for some of the Death Eaters under Voldemort's command. However, sexual violence does reach a certain low that I don't believe all Death Eaters would fall to, and that was why I showed a range of opinions, as you mentioned.

I mentioned in the first chapter that Regulus, out of mere curiosity, got his hands on Muggle books from a young age, so that's where I imagine he got most of his information about this stuff. He's a very curious and intelligent person and I think reading Muggle books might have been the very beginning of his divergence from his parents' beliefs, though obviously Sirius played the largest influence in that.

Regulus is such a complex character, isn't he? I just love him -- he never bores me and I think he's got so much depth. Unlike Sirius, who is sometimes completely incomphrensible to me (XD), I understand Regulus. His motives, at least, seem crystal clear. Well, I hope this wasn't too much of MY own random thought, but your reviews always make me think. Thanks again for the marvelous insight into this chapter, it means so much to me. :D

 
Reviewer: cassie123 Signed
Date: 04/12/09 Title: Chapter 2: Duality of Light

I read this chapter a while ago, and I've been meaning to come back and review it. So here I am. First of all, I adore this story and usually say it's one of my favourites when asked.

This is probably because of your flawless characterisation and excellent dialogue. This is interesting, because we don't actually know much of Regulus anyway, but I truly believe you've captured him perfectly.

This quote from James “I know that they practice bloody Dark Arts and support a man who tortures and kills Muggles for a hobby. I know that you – you sleep on your stomach because the open wounds on your back are still fresh. I know that not one of them deserves your defence, but you defend them anyway because you love them in a way that they’re incapable of.” is really amazing.

Now, most people write Sirius as one who hates his family and will bad-mouth them at any opportunity. You've portrayed the complexities of his family life in a way that most writers couldn't comprehend. I like that you've written him drunk, because we get to see how he really feels.

The tension between James and Reg is great as well, and I love that they both agree about Sirius' drinking, but still find a way to argue. The humour in the 'drunk scene' is underpinned with the dark themes of the story, and I love that.

The only thing that caught my attention while reading this for the first time was that Adele just appeared out of nowhere - “I’ll come,” I opted, and let go of Adele’s hand reluctantly. I know it's totally irrelevant, but having a brief sentence about them meeting up would have improved this. Basically I'm being really picky because I struggle to find the flaws in this chapter.

Also, I'm not sure if you're British or American, but I think they'd call them 'jelly shots' rather than 'jell-o shots'. I might be wrong, but I always thought 'jell-o' was purely American. Again, this is an insignificant detail, but something to consider.

Now, the last few lines of this chapter make me really eager to read the next, so you've done that really well. I ask myself now: if I’m a genius, why didn’t I see the folly in my plan? I love that it's a reflection in present tense, which suggests this is Regulus looking back at his own life. I myself am trying to write something like this at the moment.

Overall, an excellent chapter that has me wanting to read the next. Which I shall do right now.

~ Cassie

Author's Response: I... really?! O.O I'm like insanely flattered that this is one of your favorite stories. Speechless kind of. Ah, you're probably spot-on about the jelly shots. I'm pretty sure Jell-O is actually like an American brand come to think of it... XD I'm very much American, and if not for my beta that would have been more painfully obvious than it already is. Wow, that's awesome that you caught the present-tense insert at the end of the chapter. Indeed Regulus is looking back on his life, and this comes into play at the end of the story. Ooh, good luck with your current project. Well, you've inspired me to submit the next chapter. :D Thank you so much for the thoughtful review, I appreciate it madly.

 
Reviewer: cassie123 Signed
Date: 01/16/09 Title: Chapter 1: Colour and Sound

Wow. I wasn't expecting to enjoy this quite as much as I did. Your writing is simply beautiful.

I rarely read Regulus fics as there haven't been many that caught my eye, but I'm very glad I opened this one. We see barely anything in canon about his true character, but in this first chapter you seem to have perfected him. The Sirius and Regulus interaction makes my heart ache. Regulus hates to see Sirius be hurt, but there's nothing he can do to stop it. I think you've captured their relationship perfectly by having Sirius never expect anything from Regulus, because he's the older brother and Reg shouldn't be the one to prevent bad things from happening to him.

The ending especially made me smile. I love how you had their dialogue, and what they really meant by it. It shows how close they are as brothers.

You've also represent the Black family really well. It's actually the most unique way of writing them I've seen. Usually writers have Bellatrix and Narcissa extremely rude to everyone around them, without giving them a reason for it. But you can also tell that the pleasantness they try to exude is forced, and you prove it at the dinner table during the arguement. The discussion itself is something I can definitely see happening, although a part of me wonders if Sirius would really have taken James over to visit. I guess I've always believed he wouldn't bring friends over. People in abusive situations are less inclined to invite their friends to the home in which abuse takes place. But maybe Sirius doesn't see it that way.

I honestly though that this would be the moment Sirius leaves home for good, but I rather like that you have him return to his seat. It shows that he's not entirely willing to abandon this family, or perhaps that he is afraid to.

A few nitpicks:

“Alright, Mum, I’ll be nicer. I promise.” This should be 'All right'.

Lucius reached over and squeezed my shoulder “Good man, Regulus. There should be a full stop after 'shoulder'.

Also, Adele is a rather interesting character. I'd love to see more of her in future chapters. I will be looking out for them, after all!

Brilliant start. ~ Cassie

Author's Response: Wow,thank you. This review just made my day. :) I haven't read that many great Regulus fics either; that's part of the reason why I wrote this story! I think that Regulus is a fascinating and extremely layered character, and I just couldn't believe there wasn't more fanfiction out there about him. I mean, come on, he joined the Death Eaters at an incredibly young age, and stole a horcrux right under Voldemort's nose! How much more dramatic potential can one character have? Some good Regulus stories that I have read are 'Seven' by Noldo and 'Fragmentary' also by Noldo. Dory the Fishie also has a great Regulus story called 'If You Can Hold On.' Oh, and 'Genesis' by Wings of the Morning! I guess there are a few great Regulus one-shots out there, and that's largely where I got my inspiration for this one.

I did try to represent the Black family differently, or at least in a semi-sympathetic light, which is the way Regulus would see them. I agree that Sirius would rarely, if ever, bring his friends over to the house, and I like to think of this as the one time he tried it. Obviously it didn't work out well. :P I think that in this case it's not so much that Sirius is afraid to abandon his family, but that he genuinely wouldn't want to, largely because of Regulus. His mother is really the only downright abusive family member; I like to think his father isn't that bad.

I'm glad you think Adele's interesting! I have a real problem writing interesting female leads, so I decided to just change it up and give her hemophilia to see if that would spark a unique and fully developed character. :D You'll definitely be seeing more of her in upcoming chapters. Again, thank you so much for this brilliant review, and for reading my story so closely. It means a lot to me.

 
Reviewer: cassie123 Signed
Date: 05/16/09 Title: Chapter 3: Cain and Abel

Okay, I just tried to submit this review about five times, and it kept cutting off at the second paragraph. I realised it was my own error, so my apologies if MNFF emails you with every review :) Anyway...

Maddy, this is a brilliant chapter. Once again, I was immersed in your characterisation and knack for painting a really vivid image of what’s going on for your readers. I’m often in awe of your writing; the light and colour motif through this chapter was especially nice to see.

I have to comment on the first scene with Voldemort in this chapter. Honestly, it took my breath away. I’m not normally as engrossed into a story as I was with this particular point in yours. His voice was power, poison, clarity. This line is absolutely brilliant; it captures Voldemort perfectly. I’m mostly amazed at how well you’ve written him. In most fics that involve Voldemort, the reader can’t help but feel removed from the story simply because of the poor characterisation of him. Not once was I removed from this chapter because of characterisation issues. There’s no reason to suggest the way you’ve written him isn’t entirely canon. You are lost – I offer you guidance. You are weak – I offer you power. You hover on the brink of death – I offer you immortality. You’ve summed up his character really well simply in his own dialogue.

The initiation scene was something I was eager to see from you. I myself would never have braved it, but you’ve done it surprisingly well. I like that you kept it simple and avoided some extravagant scene that would ultimately be over the top. No theatrics. No pain. From this I got the impression that you’d read an initiation scene in a fic before, and this was your attempt to avoid a stereotype. Regardless of this being true or not, I think it was a good choice to write this the way you have. Personally, some pain wouldn’t have been too bad to see, but I guess that if we’re taking Voldemort’s character into consideration, he wouldn’t have wanted to inflict paint on his new followers for fear of scaring them off too early. So, all-in-all, good job for this scene.

Elise is an interesting character – a Death Eater who appears to have a little bit of a heart. We’ve never really seen this in Jo’s world, aside from Regulus himself (and Snape, I guess). She’s practical, cut-throat, and I think these are qualities a female Death Eater would need to have. I think – and this is entirely personal opinion – that she kind of changes the circumstance a bit. She and Regulus seem to be getting fairly close as friends, and I wonder, had this friendship been a part of ‘canon’, if Regulus would still have been as uncomfortable being a Death Eater as he was. So, because of this, I’m a bit on the fence about her being a good character for this story. I hope that makes sense...

I loved the scenes involving Adele in this chapter. She’s an excellent character, and allows us to see a softer side of Regulus, but then eventually a darker side. He’s willing to abandon his friendship with her to remain on his parents’ good side. I closed my mouth when I realised who I would inevitably sound like. From this I get the feeling the main reason he’s able to cut himself off from Adele is because of his desperate need to be someone different from his brother; after all, Sirius would never have ended his friendships for his parents.

I quit liked the Bible reference. I must have taken a wrong turn, or perhaps dozed off, somewhere between sunlight and Noah’s ark and the colour of rainbows. This is cute, and I love its continuation of your colour motif. It’s a really good device to use for a story so intense; it allows a sense of consistency and comfort for your readers. Also, I like how you had Voldemort discuss how religion has failed humanity. This, and the ‘Muggle Bible’ reference, gives this story another layer which your audience can attach itself to; you’re connecting the two worlds really well.

The only nitpick I managed to find was: “But Sirius, what about you–” I think there should be a question mark before the quotation mark.

The final scene had me all excited too, wondering if Sirius was going to end up hospitalised. I found myself smiling at the fact that Lily showed up. Unexpected, but appreciated.

My favourite chapter so far. I’m excited to see where you go next.

- Cassie

Author's Response: WOW. Thank you profusely for another amazing review!!

First of all, thank you about my characterization of Voldemort. I really tried hard to convey him as someone almost frighteningly charming when he wants to be. I tired to keep the scenes with Voldemort in them to a minimum in this fic because overusing him, in my opinion, takes away his ability to frighten. He always has to remain slightly unpredictable, enigmatic, to retain his scariness. I'll be interested in your opinion of how I characterized him in chapter five, when that comes about -- I struggled a lot more with keeping him in chracter in that chapter.

Agh, the initiation scene. That was one of the last scenes I wrote for the story, just because I was dreading writing something large and extravagant. Every Death Eater initiation scene I've ever read has been a painfully extravagant affair, and I've been guilty of write the exact same kind of initiation myself. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, persay, it can be pulled off well, but I decided with this one to go against the cliche of some crazy, sacrificial rites type of thing. In a way, I think that something clean-cut and simple like the initiation I wrote sort of would be scary in its own way; if you're expecting something completely mental and cult-like, I think you'd be bound to feel, as Regulus did, cheated or somehow tricked, like you missed something along the way. And I think that's how Voldemort would want his recruits to feel. ;)

What you said about Elise does make sense. I think you're right, that her presence does make Regulus a little bit more comfortable at first. At this point in the story, he feels pretty comfortable being a Death Eater. Not much has really deterred him yet, and he believes that not everyone there is a horrible person. In a way, that was the reason he probably joined in the first place. I think, as the story progresses and he begins to realize what these people stand for, he'll become sufficently uncomfortable, with or without Elise's presence.

Yep, I think most of what Regulus does in the early chapters of this story is a desperate attempt to differentiate himself from his brother, who is completely overpowering, whether he means to be or not. And ironically, Regulus's actions in later chapters stem from a desperate attempt to make himself more similar to his brother. Right now, I don't think he knows what he really wants to be like.

I'm a huge fan of the religious allusions, as you've clearly noticed lol. I always thought of this whole story as sort of a manic-depressive attempt to bring everything, all of it, together: science and religion, Muggles and Wizards, good and evil. Kind of lofty aspirations, I guess, and I'm not sure I pulled it off in the end. Thanks for that nitpick, I'll change that.

I'm happy this was your favorite chapter so far; unexpected, but thanks. I can't wait to see what you think of the next one. :D Thanks, and I mean, really, THANKS for being such an amazing reader and reviewer. You really inspire me!

 

Falling by jenny b
Rated: 6th-7th Years [Reviews - 5]

Summary:
‘It’s too late.’

Draco Malfoy had never really thought much of love. In his world, marriage was a necessity, something to continue the bloodline and secure his future. He hadn’t realised that there could be more.

Until Daphne Greengrass catches his eye, right in the midst of his relationship with her sister. Then Draco is thrown into turmoil, torn between the girl he loves and the girl his parents are making him marry.

‘It’s never too late.’


Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: Sexual Situations

Word count: 6036 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
01/18/09 Updated: 01/24/09


Reviewer: cassie123 Signed
Date: 01/24/09 Title: Chapter 1: Falling

*squeeeeeeeeeeeee*

I love Draco/Daphne now. An idea that only you, Jen, could have executed so well.

Your writing in this fic is beautiful. I think, style-wise, this is your best yet. It's still simplistic, yet you provide us with a really vivid image in our heads of the scene you're writing.

I think you characterised Draco really well here. I definitely see him as someone who would not be worried to never fall in love, in fact, I've written him that way myself. You represent his love for Daphne really well, as if he doesn't want to be in love, but, of course, he can't help it.

‘I didn’t come here to see Astoria. I came here to see you.’ I love this. It's a very Draco way of telling her his feelings. He evades being entirely honest, but still gets the message across.

The contrast between Daphne and Astoria is interesting. It's not often you see the eldest sister being jealous of the youngest. This ensures they aren't a cliche. It's interesting that Draco falls in love with the least perfect of the two, and is quite probable because he himself is far from perfect. Your choice to write Daphne as an average girl was a good one, because I think it's more likely that Draco would fall for someone like that; he can hardly compete with someone as lovely as Astoria.

The way you've written Narcissa is quite unique. In the fics I've read that are Post-Hogwarts, writers tend to soften her character based on the scene in DH with Harry, in the woods. You've not done this, and I think your way is a fairly accurate portrayal; you haven't forgotten that she was a Black and would have learned her strict style of parenting from her own parents, no doubt. So, she was a really great part of this story for me.

My only nitpick is:

he Apparated over to the Greengrasses Manor. Earlier you use dining out that evening, at the Greengrasses’ manor. The former should probably be the same as this, or simply Greengrass Manor.

I loved the ending, dear. Very sweet, and you leave us hanging! I also loved how you integrated my prompts. They were fitted in so well I barely noticed them as mine. :D

I can't wait for the companions! Amazing stuff, Jen.

~ Cassie

Author's Response: *grins madly* Oh, thank you, Cass! I'm utterly thrilled that you like it, because this is your story, after all. :) What you said about it being my best writing is the biggest compliment you could have paid me. Thank you so much. And I'm glad you liked Daphne, too, because she's one of my favourite characters I've ever written and I adore her. :D Thank you again for the fabulous review!

 

Porcelain Doll by MorganRay
Rated: 6th-7th Years [Reviews - 5]

Summary: She was their plaything for so long. Now that she’s free again, Cho tries to find pleasure in love, but innocence left her long ago with loneliness as her only lover.



Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: Abuse, Dubious Consent, Mild Profanity, Non-Consensual Sex, Sexual Situations, Violence

Word count: 2929 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
01/29/09 Updated: 02/01/09


Reviewer: cassie123 Signed
Date: 02/08/09 Title: Chapter 1: Porcelain Doll

Wow. What an interesting representation of Cho's character. This is an especially dark fic, and although I'm not usually likely to read a fic with the non-consensual sex warning, I quite enjoyed this one.

You seem to write dark fics extremely well; your style of writing suits angst and the darker themes. The entire concept of Cho’s desire for feeling, and exploiting herself to get it, was handled with honesty and maturity; that’s often a challenge hard to overcome for writers.

Strictly speaking, this is an improbable turnout for Cho, but you make it seem entirely possible with great characterisation and attention to detail. At the end her character seemed to lapse slightly, with her upfront-willingness to put herself out there and offer herself to the bartender. Before this scene, she appears to be fairly weak and unlikely to offer herself to someone, but instead succumb to the offer issued by someone else. It’s not a major characterisation fault, however; just something that I noticed. But, I suppose this is simply your way of proving to us how much she has changed over time.

The man who calls himself a Professor has me thinking. Before he even mentioned the word ‘Professor’, Slughorn popped into my mind. Are my assumptions correct, or am I off the mark completely? If I’m right, including him was a lovely little twist, and, again, you’ve made something improbable seem believable.

The only nitpick I’ve found was “ Crucio!” There’s an unnecessary space before ‘Crucio’.

I love your imagery, and how you occasionally give us Cho’s precise thoughts. Again, your style of writing is something I adore to read. Very refreshing, as dark fics are often attacked half-heartedly by fan fiction writers.

“I’m not gonna be able to help you with that,” the bartender told Cho.

She only shrugged. “It’s fine. No one does.”


This ending was quite powerful, and summed up the theme of the story entirely. I get the sense from it that Cho is defeated; nothing will fulfil her. The fact that you didn’t have a typically happy ending made me appreciate the story even more, somehow.

Overall, I really enjoyed this and would love to see you work with minor characters more often. Your Cho was done extremely well.

~ Cassie

Author's Response: Thanks! The Professor in question was not Slughorn. It was Amycus Carrow when he's teaching in DH. Cho opens up to the bartender because she's very drunk at that point, and the man she just saw is someone whom I described as kind of an older version of what Cedric might have looked like. So, Cho is feeling a little raw because she's just seen someone who is opening a very painful wound for her, and let's never underestimate how emotional people can become when drinking.

 

Summary: A small fight over an insignificant toothbrush can mean a lot more.

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: Violence

Word count: 1154 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/23/09 Updated: 04/01/09


Reviewer: cassie123 Signed
Date: 05/15/09 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter One

Wow, Shar. When I read this my expectations formed from the title were totally blown out the window. I wasn't sure where you were going with this when I read the summary, but I did end up liking where you took it.

I'm guessing this is one of the first, or perhaps the first, moments Tom begins to discover his own power. You’ve captured him extremely well. He’s dark, scary, and yet there still is a little bit of innocence there. You haven’t written him hurting just anyone, but a bully. I think this was an excellent choice as it shows that his first wrong-doings were basically to stand up for himself. You can still sense something sinister, however, and guess that this will be escalated as his life progresses.

I quite like your writing style. The level of description is quite refreshing; you don’t get carried away but you do provide great imagery for your readers. The first paragraph was especially nice to read. The walls could have used a coat of paint, and a lot of pipes needed repairing. The building, in fact, provided nothing more than the basic necessity of shelter. I love this; it gives great insight into the lifestyle the orphans must lead.

My main concern with this story was the perspective. I see that you’ve chosen omniscient narration, however I found that the jumps from Tom’s to John’s point of view were sightly disrupting. I’d have much rather liked to see the whole thing from Tom’s perspective. Even this part where the magic hits John – seeing Tom’s reaction to John’s pain would have been just as effective as being inside John’s head, and would actually have given us better a insight into Tom’s character.

"Promise me you will never ever take my toothbrush again." I like the emphasis on my here. It’s as if you’re implying that Tom couldn’t care less if he steals someone else’s toothbrush, so long as he doesn’t do it to him. That’s selfish, and an entirely plausible character trait for a young Tom Riddle.

Tom only wondered if he could do that again. This, I believe, is excellent characterisation. You’ve shown similar excitement in Tom that we see from Rowling herself in (I think) Dumbledore’s memories. He’s proud of his abilities, and eager to see what else they can do to help him. This is something that you have done really well; Tom can’t control any aspect of his life, and now that he has his magic, he’s finally able to take back some of that control. So great job on that.

Nitpicks:

Most window panes were broken, and those which weren’t, were covered in layers of dust. I don’t think the comma is necessary after ‘weren’t’.

Five-year old Tom got up that morning with a frown on his face. This should be Five-year-old.

Also, the spacing at the end is a bit funny. I think you need to create a gap between two paragraphs, and then delete the second gap between the last two. :)

Basically, I really like how you handled this story and Tom’s character. After all, he’s an exceptionally difficult one to grasp. I appreciate how you’ve created a medium between innocent and evil. Of course his malice wouldn’t be entirely developed at age five, but I do think that with a history like his he’s bound to show some of it. You’ve done that pretty much perfectly.

I was somewhat mislead as to what this story would entail by its title, but I’m very glad I opened it despite my expectations, as this is a really great short story that handles a difficult concept very maturely. So well done.

- Your SPEW Buddy Cassie :)

 

Beneath the Shell by Afifa
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 13]

Summary: A typical love story: Boy loves girl. Girl loves boy. They end up being a couple. They are happy.

Another story: boy loves girl. But. Girl does not love the boy. No happy couple. So how exactly does the boy feel and what does he do to try to win over his love? Most importantly, does he succeed or does he make a gradual progress or does he even give her reason to hate him more?



Categories: James/Lily Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1455 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/23/09 Updated: 03/25/09


Reviewer: cassie123 Signed
Date: 04/24/09 Title: Chapter 1: One shot- Beneath the Shell

Hi, Afifa :)

This is a really nice little one shot, and you capture James' misery really well. His sadness about loving her and getting nothing in return is brought across brilliantly, so well done on that.

I did find through this story that I was unable to connect with James, as why on earth would he love someone that's constantly mean to him?

I think, when writing James/Lily, it's important to avoid portraying Lily as the exact same person we see in Snape's Worst Memory: the girl who yells at James for being a prat. She had reason to yell at him then, but does she when he simply approaches her for conversation? That's just something to think about for future fics.

I quite liked how you wrote Sirius; he makes it evident that he cares a lot for James and hates to see him hurt. I know for sure Sirius would have felt this way, but also think he'd be too embarrassed to say it quite as openly as you’ve written. However, given the situation, Sirius should be going to extremes to prevent his friend getting hurt, so what you have is plausible.

There are a few paragraph problems in this; sometimes they’re directly underneath each other without the appropriate gap. I think this happened three or four times.

Some other nitpicks:

Prove her that I wasn’t the ‘immature git’. Should this be Prove to her?

‘Prongs…’ he started as he reached me. After an ellipsis that is used before a dialogue tag, you should use a comma. So it’d be ‘Prongs…,’ he started. There are a few other places in this fic that would need this changed as well.

Merlin knew how much I needed luck. But I did and I would put it in full use of wooing Lily. This sentence is a bit awkward. The But I did doesn’t seem to fit. Maybe it should be Merlin knew how much I needed luck, and I would put it into full use for wooing Lily.

Overall, the emotion in this was my favourite part. While I think Lily was a little bit mean for my liking, James was your strong point. This story calls for a follow-up story! I’d love to see how you get them together, at last.

~ Cassie

 

Between Two Points of Separation by Fantasium
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 6]

Summary:
On a late September evening, two close friends discover a new meaning in their relationship… Charlie Weasley/Original Character, one-shot.

Thank you to my Jenna/GringottsVault711 for her beta work.

Categories: Same-Sex Pairings Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe, Mild Profanity, Sexual Situations

Word count: 4782 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
05/24/09 Updated: 05/24/09


Reviewer: cassie123 Signed
Date: 11/30/09 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Hi there :)

I was surprised how much I enjoyed reading this fic, purely because Charlie has never been a character that attracts my interest. I found that I really liked reading about him in the way you have written him. He’s strong and tough, but when it comes to love he’s gentle and kind. We never learnt much about his character in the books (or maybe I just wasn’t paying attention), yet I think you have written him as very in character.

My favourite part of this fic that demonstrated your ability to craft Charlie as accurately as possible was this: “Try me.” Charlie grinned reassuringly and thumped a fist against his chest. “Dragon keeper, remember?” It’s such a memorable and sweet line that shows evidence of the Weasley humour and warmness. Something about it just made me smile.

It’s the simple moments like this that really showed your attention to detail, which was comforting for me as a reader and allowed me to be brought right into the fic. Your descriptions of moments are also simple, but they convey detail just as effectively as richer prose could.

An example of the way your writing drew me into the fic was this: It rested there in solitude for only the briefest moment, before both of Charlie’s hands closed around it. They were rough, calloused still, with scars of old burns and blisters, yet they felt better against his skin than anything Lucas had ever experienced before. It’s a really beautiful exploration of a short moment between two people, and conveys a real warmth between them. I think you capture the romance perfectly here, and you don’t over-do anything or make it hard to find believable.

Your original character Lucas is someone I found that I liked quite a lot. He’s sweet and very sure of himself. He trusts himself enough to let Charlie in and recognise his feelings for him. His certainty was very refreshing to read. Despite the fast pace at which the romance blossomed, I didn’t once think “this is unrealistic; it’s happening too quickly.” You developed it surprisingly well, given the short time frame it happens in.

I did find that Lucas seemed slightly underdeveloped as I read this, but considering this is only a one shot, it wasn’t too much of a problem. His “ability” was an interesting addition to the fic, but something I unfortunately couldn’t find all that believable. I’m not sure if you were saying it’s a magical ability or if he’s just really intuitive. Either way, I couldn’t quite connect with this part of the story. I did find it an interesting touch though, and would love to see it further developed in future writings, if you haven’t already.

Overall, I found this to be a very enjoyable and sweet one shot that developed a relationship between two people in a very sophisticated way. You didn’t make the fact that they were two men an issue, which I loved – they’re just two people who love each other and that’s all that matters.

Thank you for the great read :)

- Cassie

 

Every Foolish Dream by electronicquillster
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 5]

Summary: Curiosity can be a painful thing. Lily Evans learns that lesson well during her years at Hogwarts as she battles between curiosity and indifference where one Black is concerned.

Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1283 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
05/27/09 Updated: 05/27/09


Reviewer: cassie123 Signed
Date: 06/30/09 Title: Chapter 1: Every Foolish Dream

Hello, SPEW Buddy!

I’m intrigued by this pairing. Obviously it’s rarely explored, probably because Lily’s the older girl. It’s interesting that you’ve written her to still lust after Regulus even after he called her a name. I personally think she’d rather ignore this young boy who has called her names than entertain an interest in him. But the concept was interesting, nonetheless.

I think you wrote Regulus in a fairly unique way. It would have been easier to simply have him fall for Lily too, but you tried a different route which, I believe, is far more realistic. The only thing that’s slightly strange about your characterisation of him is: “People like you and people like me … We just … We don’t. That’s all there is to it.” He seems to be stuttering and is slightly lost for words. This is odd as you’ve written him as if he’s already considered his words. The ellipses and pauses in sentence seem out of place, considering how calm and unperturbed he seems as he says “They say you’re smart, Evans, but I’m inclined to disagree.” etc.

Your use of present tense worked well in most aspects of the story, however at times I felt I couldn’t connect with the piece simply because of tense, and maybe the perspective. I think, had you chosen to use first person, readers could have been drawn in more with the story. Most of the time the style was successful, but at times it did seem a little forced.

For example: A voice in her head says she hasn’t been looking for Regulus because she could already tell that he wasn’t here, but she tells that voice to shut up. You’ve got ‘could’ and ‘wasn’t’ in there, which disallows sentence flow. Perhaps this could be fixed to be something like A voice in her head tells her that she hasn’t been looking for Regulus because she assumes he isn’t even here, but she tells that voice to shut up.

There were several moments like this throughout the story when I felt your tense was slightly off. As if you’re not considering when things are really happening, but writing them anyway. Perhaps it’s just a personal thing, but it did prevent me from connecting with your story, unfortunately.

You do provide some nice little descriptions throughout this which I appreciated. There are pixies flitting around above their heads to provide some ambient light, and there are glittery, whispy curtains of spider web hanging from the ceiling. I really like this; it gives the reader a lovely setting to picture the characters in. Also, you’ve misspelled wispy.

Nitpicks:

glares glaring at his parchment Do you mean eyes glaring?

That’s about one of the only similarityies between them This should be similarities.

(But she knows she can’t hide a gasp, only pretend that she didn’t.) This sentence is awkward. I think it should be But she knows she can’t hide a gasp; she can only pretend that she didn’t.

(She didn’t dress up like this for Regulus,; of course she didn’t. You’ve used both a comma and a semicolon. I think it should be a dash rather than either of those.

He’s James has been acting strange all evening, looking at her in a way that is confusing. You need to delete either He’s or James has.

because he wasn’t important anyway. This should be isn’t if you want to keep tense consistent.

These are just really minor, insignificant mistakes that could be prevented by the use of a beta, or your own second read-through.

Overall, you’ve written a really interesting take on an undiscovered pairing. I’d love to see further exploration of Lily/Regulus from you. Although I think I prefer the way you’ve written it in this; a proper relationship between them is pretty unrealistic.

- Cassie

 

Divided By Magic by TwitchyGirl
Rated: 6th-7th Years [Reviews - 13]

Summary: When Dr. Brennan first took on the case of “Jane Doe”, she was emotionless and barely responsive, concealed behind hair that served as a more effective barrier than a brick wall. A year went by with no progress, but one day, the woman slipped and revealed the secret that resided in the depths of her unconscious mind. And with the secret came Meredith, Regan, Lily, Sapphire, Sadie, Charlie, The Scary Lady, The Doctor, Harrison, and Ellie. All of them were components of Loretta, a host personality that had split her mind into these people to cope with childhood traumas that she was incapable of dealing with. But as Dr. Brennan digs deeper into the memories of this woman’s tortured childhood, he finds that she has carried with her recollections of a magical world.
In this story, discoveries are made of why the magical world has caused Loretta to become tormented, what the Wizarding World has done to her to cause her to divide in her psychological mind.
Warning: Dissociative Identity Disorder is caused by the most hideous of child abuse and trauma. Suicide is mentioned. Reader discretion is advised due to some frightening and graphic content.



Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: Abuse, Mental Disorders, Mild Profanity, Self Injury, Sexual Situations, Substance Abuse, Suicide, Violence

Word count: 16140 Chapters: 11 Completed: No
Published:
06/17/09 Updated: 11/28/10


Reviewer: cassie123 Signed
Date: 07/24/09 Title: Chapter 2: "They Live In This Body"

Very interesting chapter, once again. I loved finding out that little bit more about this girl and her multiple personalities.

The only problem I have with this story is that the chapters are extremely short; you only give your readers little snippets of the story in one go. I feel that is disrupts our learning about the characters. This is about the only flaw, however.

I enjoyed the first little hint at the magical world in this chapter, by mentioning squibs. I find myself wondering if all her personalities are connected to the wizarding world, or if some have pushed that aside and are entirely non-magical? I guess I'll have to wait and see.

You're throwing at us these very dark concepts, such as Regan being extremely violent and smashing a girl's head at the wall. It's confronting, but handled well enough that it doesn't overwhelm the reader. So great job on a really interesting way of writing those darker themes.

This woman you're presenting now, Meredith, is strikingly well-developed, given that there have only been two short chapters on her. I feel a bit of a connection to her already, and am shocked by her attitude towards emotional/physical abuse. She's got a story that I'd love to hear.

The most part of this chapter is dialogue, and, not that the dialogue is bad at all, I feel that longer chapters could allow you to do more. Of course you don't have to do this - I quite enjoy a quick read - but I do feel there could be just that little bit more included to help readers connect more with the story.

Overall, a really well developed character in an intriguing story. Keep up the great work. :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this wonderful review. I am working on writing longer chapters. Meredith is usually the alter that in cases of MPD I find is most sad because it is the part of the person that believes that the abuse is their fault. Regan is the part that is created to deal with the anger, to keep the body from continuing to get hurt, and to kill the abuser. I have now got a beta *yay*!

 
Reviewer: cassie123 Signed
Date: 08/11/09 Title: Chapter 3: A Daunting Diagnosis

Hello again :)

You continue to hold my interest throughout this chapter, and I love the amount of detail you provide. It really shows your connection to the story and your research skills. These are wonderful things to have as an author.

While I do love learning about DID in your fic, I found that the way you wrote out the facts removed me a little from the story, in that they were just written our facts that weren't blended very well into the narrative. I think instead of plainly saying Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is a psychological disorder... etc, to continue the flow of the story, you could have had it read something like "Dr. Brennan knew that Dissociative Identity Disorder was psychological, and that it ..." and then go on to say what you've already said, but wording it from Dr. Brennan's perspective. This way, the facts becomes more personal, because I felt that I was perhaps reading a written report during these parts, rather than a story.

I love your reference to Sybil, and the way you explained in the End Note who she is worked well for that, and allowed the reference to blend into the story without need for explanation within the dialogue or narrative. I think this would work well for the other parts I've mentioned too.

There are a few technical errors running through this that could be smoothed over by a beta. The recurring mistake that I found was the absence of a comma in dialogue that addresses some one. For example: “Hey Nathan, I need to talk about a patient,”. A comma needs to appear after "Hey" because Nathan is being addressed. This appeared in other aspects of the fic too. This is just for future writing's sake though :)

I have a feeling you'll be introducing more elements of the magical world into this fic fairly soon, because otherwise I fear you're forgetting this is Harry Potter fan fiction. While I love these Muggle characters and their knowledge of the disorder, a magical perspective would be lovely to see. Or at least more magical detail!

These things aside, you're shaping the beginning of a very interesting fic here. Congratulations on that, and update soon :)

- Cassie

Author's Response: Thank you for such a wonderful review Cassie, Part of what encouraged me to keep writing one day was the thought of a review from you. :)

I know my commas are awful. I try my best.

Not to sound narcissistic, I was pretty pleased with the paragraph I wrote on DID in this chapter although I see where you're coming from.

My next few chapters do have more references to a magical world, and I'm planning to build up these references so there are more and more in each chapter.

Thanks again for R&Ring! ~Twitchy

 
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