Hi. I'm Mere. I disappear and reappear every now and then, but it mostly all comes down to the fact that I do love to write and I do love Harry Potter.
My OTP is James/Lily, but I have a tendency to ship them with other characters. Lily Evans is my favourite character and I absolutely adore writing her.
If you'd like to know more about me, please visit my livejournal. :)
Hullo, Bella. –waves-
So, I decided to review your second chapter, because the first chapter has twenty-seven reviews and this one only has nine—a little underappreciated, don’t you think? ;)
Hmm . . . So, I don’t normally read Harry/Ginny, nothing against the pairing, I’m just not fond of them in fanfiction, so this is a little different for me. Also, I don’t think I’ve ever read any AU stories except for, like, Dramione, and they don’t really count, in my opinion, because it’s just the pairing. Um, right. I’ll stop babbling now. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that despite my lack of familiarity with these two genres, I still found the story interesting. It was different enough to really peak my interest and to make me want to know what would happen.
I felt something was a little off in this chapter, and I think its George. You’ve got his humor down, but I don’t think he’d be laughing or making jokes this much. Maybe a little, but I feel like he wouldn’t be laughing at/with his little sister if she’d been missing for almost three years. George may have been laidback and fun, but I think he’s serious about his family, especially since he lost his brother in the war. In my mind, he wouldn’t be laughing and grinning and making sarcastic comments. –shrugs- Maybe you could make him a little more serious and a little more angry.
She really didn’t answer George’s questions at all, did she? I guess we’ll just have to wait to find out the reason she just disappeared. –sigh- I was so looking forward to the answer, too—it’d have to be a good one, considering Ginny’s character and all. She’s not exactly the type I expect to just pack up and vanish, but I suppose given the correct circumstances . . . I guess I’ll just have to keep reading, yeah?
I’m also curious as to why she lied about the father of Lily’s child. I mean, on one hand it makes sense, like she’s trying to move on, and sometimes the easiest way to do that is ignore the past, but on the other hand, it’d be hard to try and forget it all if your child has bright green eyes. Particularly if they’re almond-shaped.
Aww, it’s really sweet and sort of romantic that Ginny wants to talk about everything to Harry first. It shows that she still cares—a lot. And, it adds a lot more mystery to why she left. If she loved—loves—him so much, then why did she run away? Leaving the wizarding world would be tough, as you showed in your pervious chapter, with the typewriter/computer thing and the elevators.
-sigh- If I was Harry, and I’d just found my long-lost true love (and possibly our baby), I don’t think I could wait around and send someone else to talk to them. I would drop everything and run that instant. Although, one could argue that Harry was being thoughtful, and figured she rather talk to a family member than him. But still. I’d prefer to make my long-lost love uncomfortable for a little while and have the joy of being the one to find them, then sit around twiddling my thumbs while wondering how the meeting is going. I guess that’s why Harry is Harry though, and I’m me.
I wondered about your choice of George as being the one to go talk to her, especially when Harry was revealed as the one to find her . . . I mean, why not Ron? I always felt that they were pretty close. And Ron is Harry’s best friend. But, I sort of see the wisdom in that. If it was Ron, there would be lots of yelling. A plethora of yelling. Screaming. Tears. Yeah, it’d be emotional and bad. –shakes head- He’s a little too protective of her.
You know what I would have liked to see a little more of? Actually, there are two things, but they sort of go hand-in-hand, in my opinion. One, description. Maybe describe how George and Ginny have changed in the past few years? Give some details about how Ginny’s flat looks? And two, emotion. Or rather, describe their emotions. Don’t just say “Ginny was mad.” But, rather, add some lines about the way she was feeling. Instead of telling me Ginny had a shocked look on her face, why not say something about she felt like someone had knocked her out with a Beater’s bat? You briefly grazed emotions in about the middle of the story, here:
She felt vulnerable without her wand now that she was finally around another member of the Wizarding world, even if that someone was her brother. [...]The truth was what she had been running from and now that she was being forced to face it, she wasn’t sure she could handle it.
And that was really good, possibly my favourite part of the chapter, but you need more. To me, it feels almost like you’ve written a script for a movie or a play. I know what the characters say, and how they’ve moved, but I don’t know what they look like or what their feeling, things you can see in a movie or a play, but in a story you rely on the author to show it to you. Movies and plays are all well and good, but stories have the ability to actually transport the reader far away, into a life that’s not their own, if they imagine and see everything in their head. It’s hard, I know, but it gets easier with practice. I promise.
-squishes Bine- -waves to Helen-
I'm stuck on my Gauntlet prompt and I need to do my SPEW reviews anyway....so I came to read you guys's fic.
Wow, guys, just wow. That's very powerful. I had the chills like the entire time I was reading it.
A few nitpicks:
It was heartbreaking.
One of you slipped into passive voice here. This is really the only time I noticed it, but you want to make sure that you're using an active voice to keep pumping out that action in the story. Really, all you need to do here to make active voice is change it to something like: 'It broke her heart.'
‘Who is this man?’ she silently asked.
Er...how does she silently ask it and him answer her? Do you mean, perhaps, quietly? Or almost inaubily? Or barely audible?
So she was busy, she didn’t miss him?
Ehh.... I had to read this line a few times to figure out what it meant. To me, it would have made more sense to put the 'so' after the first clause so the sentence would be 'She was busy, so she didn't miss him?'
‘Oh Emil,’ she murmured.
There should be a comma after 'oh.'
...she could already see the ivory painting of the house’s walls.
'Painting' is in the wrong form of the verb. It should be 'paint.'
Mhmm. That's it.
And I had been damned from then on to wander alone...
Ohmy. It's so sad. This line makes me want to hug you two. -hugs Bine and Helen-
She saw a woman sink to her knees, clutching at a body while bending over the dead and crying. The woman’s body rocked with sobs and swayed in grief.
This is where I first got chills.
It was her neighbour’s children. They were still holding hands.
ohmygod. ohmygod. Are you trying to make me cry? I am so close. My eyes are burning.
‘It’s a picture of some people I once knew,’ I sighed, wondering how I could find the words. Viktor looked up at me expectantly. ‘They were very much in love.’
I love that she pretends that it's not her. It makes her pain that much more real, and it becomes that much harder to read.
Pleading eyes met Anna’s when she turned around once more. And while she was shoved into the shelter, the youth stood there, all hope lost, his eyes blank.
I'm speechless. There's so much emotion and it's so strong and powerful. I keep getting more and more chills.
I wished the tale had ended there, that the final chapter had never been written.
I love how poetic this line sounds.
You two are absolutely amazing. I'm not incredibly familiar with with either of your writing styles, but I can't tell where one of stopped writing and the other took over. It feels like one author wrote the entire thing. I'm guessing that one of you wrote the flashback sections and the other one wrote the present sections, just 'cause it makes sense. They fit perfectly together, to be cliche, like pieces of a puzzle. You guys obviously work extremely well together and you've created a masterpiece.
It's so sad. -dabs at eyes- I love how you guys showed her emotions. It was beautiful, in a grief-stricken way.
Little Vikor is so cute. :) He's the perfect little grandson, and Anna's the perfect grandmother. I wish my grandparents would tell me stories like that...
I really liked the Emil, the son, came and that was who Anna finished her story to. I really like that Vikor fell asleep and never heard the end. It shows the innocence of children and how this kind of blanket falls over them, protecting them from the horrors of the real world.
This makes Vikor's comment in DH about his grandfather dying at the hand of Grindlewald, much more meaningful and much more powerful. I'm never going to be able to read that the same way again.
-hugs- This is so extraordinary. You guys should be so proud of yourselves.
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the excellent review!
Mainly Bine wrote the flashbacks and I wrote the other sections. However, we frequently wrote and added sections to the other person's part - blurring the lines a little bit.
Working with Bine was such a great experience! We melded together so well, and I know my writing improved tenfold from the experience!
I'm glad you picked up and liked the subtle things we slotted in there - especially the childhood innocence. You got exactly what I was after.
Thanks picking up the mistakes too. As soon as I get time, I'll be sure to pick them up :)
Thanks again for the review.
*Bine tightly squishes Mere*
Wow, Kelly, just wow. I don't know what Jenna's prompt was, but I have a feeling that involved the infatuation between Dumbledore and Grindelwald.
I don't have any nitpicks. Your writing is nearly flawless and I bet (having never worked with her) Suya is a stellar beta.
Your mind attempts to fabricate a reason that involves caring for all magical beings, but it eventually simplifies itself. You love her.
Oh, Kelly, this is just... Amazing. Beautiful.
You did, after all, manage to miss out on one of the greatest adventures of your life due to unfortunate circumstances.
Aww... I feel so bad for Dumbledore. =(
I don't know why (it must just be the magic of your writing), but I really love these three lines. I just felt so in the moment. I love the simplicity of them, too. It seems like a small, trivial thing, but it really just made that scene in the story.
Before I read your piece, I'd always kind of pitied Aberforth. I mean, strange as he was, I could see some sense in his accusations against Dumbledore (I can't bring myself to call him Albus >.>), but your story, and these lines especially:
Aberforth yells at you for this, too. He thinks that you’re abandoning the family.
kind of made me re-think it a little bit. Now, I feel bad on Dumbledore's behalf, and feel sort of irritated with Aberforth. I really like that your story made me think like that. I love when a story offers a different perspective on something you'd already formed opinions on and the story makes you re-think that opinion.
In your heart of hearts
I like this phrase. The image is beautiful.
You are caught in what feels like a hangman’s noose, only the hangman is the family that you love.
Gah. Kelly, you are just simply fantastic. The imagery in that is just fantastic, your diction is phenomenal, the emotion is so strong, it's just.... Indescribable.
Between the two of you, there is more intelligence (you say this somewhat humbly, though not really) than in most of the staff in Hogwarts and Durmstrang combined.
teehee. The parenthesis made me giggle. ;)
Not only because you selfishly wish that you could escape, but because you loved her.
I love that little 'only' stuck in there. It changes the whole meaning of the sentence and makes it much, much, much more real. It shows the big-headedness and almost naïveness of the young Dumbledore, juxtapose with the selflessness and compassion and wiseness of the old Dumbledore. -loves-
But who loves you?
My heart just broke, Kelly.
Ariana might love you, you think with a smile.
Awww.... That's so sad and sweet.
What’s the point, you think, of being immortal if no one loves you?
There would be nothing, no one, for you to live for. And you would live forever.
Forever would be an awfully long time without returned love.
There's a lump in my throat, and my eyes are burning.
And not to completely ruin the mood, but I love how you put each of those sentences on three different lines.
You give so much to life, and it gives you so little in return.
Oh, man. I so know how he feels. -throws a pity party for herself and Dumbly- ;)
If he loved you, the world, despite its glaring troubles, might be a little easier to bear.
Oh, where to start!
Kelly, you are a master at subtle tragedy. The heartbreaking bits beautifully woven into his routine in the beginning of the story and then the end is just... Well, you know.
I love your use of second person. I haven't read much in second person (other that textbooks and bad essays and such), so this was refreshing. I'm can't pull off second person, and this has just confirmed that. You write in it so well and so comfortably; it makes me want to find every attempt I've ever made at second person and throw it into the fire. >.>
I really like Dumbledore's musing about love and life. They're so sad and true (and very IC, too). I like your reasoning behind his infatuation with Grindelwald - how he's just so happy to have company besides his 'magical invalid' sister and resenting brother, that he doesn't really stop and think about the person as a person, like who they really are and what they really want in an ideal world.
I could go on and on about all the fabulous things about this story and your writing, but my family is rather impatient. >.<
Love you, hon.
Author's Response: Um, wow, Mere! Your review is incredible. What a New Year's gift! And, yes, you're right - Suya is one of the best betas I could ever ask for. She just...understands and gets everything. Wonderful, wonderful person, too. As for the diction, I have experimented with line breaks/incomplete sentences in several of my stories. However, I think that they worked out the best in this one. I'm glad that you liked how it turned out - I've always found that those are the most powerful way to get a message across. This was also my second attempt at second person (hehe - that sounds kind of funny) - so, you shouldn't give up on it! It's a very underappreciated tense that works very well in certain situations. Again, thank you so very much for your absolutely fantastic review.
Hey, Carole. =) So, I know this is the chapter with the most reviews, but I don't care, I'm going to review it anyway, and hopefully I'll make my way to the rest of the chapters. ;)
A few nitpicks:
He had hung no pictures on the wall, but above the sofa he’d stuck a large photo of himself and his friends.
Er, well, you contradicted yourself in this sentence and it was a little confusing. I think that if you added in the word 'for' after 'but' it would make more sense or if you put 'save for' or 'except for' in place of the 'but.'
Juggling three potatoes in his hand...
Hm... I was confused by 'juggling' - I thought he was literally juggling them until I kept reading. Perhaps 'balancing' instead?
‘Lumos,’ he whispered
Er, this is weird, because 'lumos' only has one quotation mark and the rest of your dialogue uses two. And, 'lumos' should be italicized because it's a spell.
In her hand she clutched a faded Gryffindor T-shirt.
“He didn’t do it,” she sobbed. “He would never have betrayed them.”
This is just a small formatting error. They really bug me, so I always point them out, 'cause they disrupt the flow of the story. >.> Anyway, yeah, you just need to hit enter after the first sentence, obviously.
I had something else.... Eh, can't think of it. >.>
Sirius snorted; he was pleased little girls grew up.
LOL. I love that you love him, Carole. :)
“It changes colour when I get too excited- it’s quite naughty.”
But Bellatrix had always had a darker side - darker even than black - lurking in her eyes, a darkness that repelled Sirius.
Ooh, this line is brilliant. =) I'm guessing that it's foreshadowing a little - while the rest of the story is a romance, it's still set during the first war, and consequently going to have a darker side to it, no?
She smiled a wide smile that split her face in two, reached inside him and wrung out his heart.
Awww. How sweet. Little kids are the best.
“Is it a baddie?” she said, her eyes widening like saucers.
hahahahahahaha. I almost died here.
“Fully dressed, I see, so it can’t be a woman.”
I don't have any words. I don't really think I need them. You probably understand. ~_^
It won’t hurt him will it?
I love how he automatically assumes it's a boy. >.>
“It might be a her,” exclaimed Tonks. “You keep saying it’s a boy. How do you know?”
And I love even more how Tonks is right there, shutting him down.
“Hello,” he said almost formally. “You must be Sirius’ wife.”
Tonks frowned at him “Are you Moony or Wormtail?” she demanded.
“M-Moony!” he said in surprise.
“That’s a really uncool nick-name,” she said, looking him straight in the eye. “Why did you choose it?”
He laughed loudly. “You must be a relative of his. Only Sirius is ever that rude to people.”
Oh, Merlin, I can't breathe.
As she spoke her hair suddenly changed from dark red to an icy blue.
I do love little kids. :) And not just for their adorable, excuse me, brillantness, but because of their innocence and their excellent judge of people. I wish we could preserve that in all people as we grow up. -sigh- The world is so much simpler when you're younger, and everything is black and white.
“Moony, here, was out all night dancing at a club. You wouldn’t think it to look at him but he’s a huge hit on the dance-floor.”
lol, yes, I could just see Remus out there dancing with every girl. =P
“She’s up the duff, mate,” said Sirius crudely.
LMAO. I assume this is British slang for 'knocked up' and ha. That's so Sirius. =D
First off, your characterization in general is perfect. Especially of Sirius, but, how could it not be? ~_^ And James extreme protectiveness of Lily, hee, and Lily's confident, tough Lily-ness, and Remus was a good Remus. I read a lot of Marauder Era fics, and Remus is always seems a bit - duller and more bookish than I imagine him, and the way you protray him, he's got personality and seems...alive. :) I disagree with your characterization of Narcissa, but I don't really think that many people do agree on her. >.> You wrote you idea of her very well, as well. :)
I'm pretty intrigued as to where this is going. It's a Remus/Tonks fic, and you've shown a little bit of it, but it seems to be more geared towards Tonks and Sirius's relationship.....
I guess I'll just have to read on! =)
Very nice job, Carole. I'm impressed.
Author's Response: Hey Mere, Thanks for the review. I shall certainly look at the nit-picks. Juggling, though. I had it in my head that he was literally juggling the potatoes - kind of a party trick. I'm very pleased you like the characterisations of the Marauders, especially Remus, as this fic is primarily about him and Tonks. I shall have to talk to you about Narcissa; I have a theme running through about how Metamorphamagi are perceived by the wizarding world and Narcissa's opinion - especially as she was pregnant at the time and likely to be all hormonal - was to set this up. She's about to feature in a future chapter so I think I'll pick your brains.
I hope you get to read the rest of this as I value your insights. There is more Sirius to come, but at the moment (and Chapter 6 is up there) he's still locked up in Azkaban. *sob*
Thanks again. I do love Badgers! Carole xxx
Awww, Kat, that was so sweet!
I have two small nitpicks:
Before Draco had the opportunity to think of a curse, Blaise bounded around Astoria, flying onto Draco with all the force he could muster.
I don't really feel that the word "bounded" suits the mood. To me, bounded means happy, excited, eager, etc. The mood at that moment is more serious and painful and harsh. Maybe "lept" or "jumped" or even just "stepped".
All right, the second one is that in the beginning, Blaise spoke of Asotria as "his best friend's girl." But, later, when Draco catches up to them, their confrontation isn't very, well, best friend-y. I know it's Blaise and Draco, but I still think that a best friend would give more chance for an explanation, instead of jumping straight to violence, but that's just my opinion.
Bouncing his eyes from one stone to the next...
I love how you phrased this!
It was like some sick obsession he had with his best friend’s girl.
I really like this line. I love how you said it, it's so blod and powerful. And, lately, I've been more and more into love triangles and such, so it just really struck a chord with me, so to speak.
He took a long pull from his drink, allowing the burn in his throat to stifle the ache in his chest, and finished the liquid.
Aww. I just want to give him a hug.
Nothing appealed to him now, except for the warm hand woven with his.
No one could mistake the light blonde hair and content sneer that frequented Draco Malfoy’s lips.
-glares at Draco- Why does he half to come and ruin the moment? What a buzz kill.
His eyes were still mutinous as they stared tauntingly into Blaise’s; he could feel the world around him fading as their eyes remained locked. Astoria kept on uttering pleading words, but nothing was going to stop either of them now.
Ohmy. I can just see this. Blaise and Draco standing surrounded by people, but their blurry and so are all the building around them. I can hear Astoria pleading faintly, but I can't see her. All I see is the faces of Blaise and Draco and their intentions. It's amazing.
“We don’ wan’ no non magic folk seein’ a bunch o’ nutters beatin’ each other up outside our own place. Now, get inside,” the long forgotten voice of Rubeus Hagrid growled.
OHMIGODSQUEE! HAGRID! -loves-
Sorry, I just had to get that out. :P
Walking through the heavy crowd, he this time relished in the pandemonium. It was refreshing not being able to hear his own thoughts and memories as the worries and lives of others brushed him here and there across the sidewalk.
These two lines made me shiver. They're so beautiful and sad.
"Please, I didn’t want the day to end like this.”
“Like what?” he replied in monotone.
“With you walking away from me.”
“I guess the roles have been reversed.”
I love this exchange. Especially the lack of dialogue tags on the last two lines. It's so powerful and moving. I really feel for Blaise.
The soft press of her lips on his stubbly cheek caused his heart to thud for a few brief seconds, and then his body was flooded with relief.
This was goodbye.
Aww! -sniffs- My eyes are burning. It's so wonderfully sad and sweet.
Random thoughts -->
I was very happy to stumble across this. :) I've always loved Blaise; he's such a fascinating character. And recently, Draco/Astoria has grown on me. I saw the summary, and I had to read it. :D
This is the first thing I've read of yours, and it definitely won't be the last. I love your style. This one-shot is exactly the type of one-shot I adore. It's short and brief, simply capturing one, life-changing moment in time. -sighs-
You are a witch (I mean that in a magical sense, not a substitute for swear word sense) with description. It really is stunning. It’s like I’m watching a movie – no it’s better than that, it’s like I’m actually there, just watching everything. It’s brilliant. You’re brilliant.
I really enjoyed this, Kat. You’re a very talented writer.
Author's Response: Uh, you rock. This was quite possibly one of my favorite reviews EVER. I've always had a soft spot for Blaise, I don't know why at all, but I have. I actually wrote a one shot based on the same triangle-- it's in my long-forgotten thread in the Three Broomsticks xD I agree that bounded doesn't really fit there, thanks for pointing that out. AND I'm glad you're a fan of my description :] Something I get lost in it though and forget my characters, but what can you do? LOL. See, I think I'm going to write a prequel to this. Perhaps when Astoria leaves Blaise? I feel like there is so much I assumed that readers would catch onto because I have this all thought out in my head *rolls eyes* The way I saw it was that Blaise and Draco *were* best friends until the little girlfriend switch occurred, and Blaise got angry. So, when Blaise saw him, not only was there animosity, but also there was a bit of guilt/sadness and he didn't know how to react. Yeah >.> Prequel is slightly necessary. GAHTHANKS for the lubly review :D It totally made my day.
‘Thou shalt not sin’ – Bible
Sirius knows what he wants and he’s not afraid to chase it. She makes him feel more than he’s ever felt before, but getting what he wants may cause him more heartache than he ever imagined. Thus begins a thrilling game, a game of vice and virtue, of betrayal and affection, of sin and atonement.
The forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest.
Oh, wow, Lydia, this was absolutely wonderful, as you should know. ;D
I like the beginning and the way you introduced the rain. Rain can make people look incredibly sexy and you really played that up, and played it well, I think. I like the way it was sort of a catalyst to explaining the depth of Sirius’s attraction to Caris. The only thing I have a little problem with is that you never said why they were running across the grounds in the rain. Even if it was only from Herbology class or something, I still would have liked to know, because now it just seems sort of random and a little odd.
Hullo, again! –waves- I’m back, with another review (obviously –rolls eyes at self-) for you!
–ignores the Twilight-esque layout-
Ug. So, I liked the last chapter . . . but I loved this chapter! God, it was really incredible. I love your style. :D I think I’m going to check out your other stories sometime soon. I like how you included so many aspects of Hogwarts that it actually seemed like I was at Hogwarts, y’know? Like the Quidditch game, the after party, the hanging out on the grounds, passing notes in Transfiguration, chilling in the common room, at it all seemed so natural, everything made sense.
The Quidditch game was well-written, in my opinion. You didn’t give, like, a play-by-play of the game, but you gave enough to keep us (your readers) interested and entertained. Having Lee Jordan’s father (I assume) commentate was a nice touch—particularly how they have similar styles of commentary. ;) And yay! Gryffindor won! (Nothing against Ravenclaw, of course, but they don’t have Lily and James and Sirius and Caris and Remus and Peter). Speaking of, thank you for making the opposing team Ravenclaw, instead of Slytherin—one of many small details that made me love this chapter.
Hmm . . . so I wondered a little why you were spending so much time focusing on and describing Cam Taylor (although I did laugh out loud a little at obviously, ‘Sirius’ was far sexier than ‘Camillus’), but then he came back later in the chapter, and it made some sense. I assume he’ll be in the rest of the story, as well? Perhaps in Jealously? (Don’t tell me though if he is, kay?)
I enjoyed the hint of Lily/James throughout the entire story, some of it subtle, and some of it not-so-subtle. =) It was interesting, though, during the party when Sirius’s hoped Lily didn’t do something stupid like kiss James. I mean, sometimes it seems like that everyone thinks they would be much happier if they kissed and Lily realized she was in love with him, blah, blah, blah. But, this was not that, obviously, and I guess what I’m trying to say, is that I liked that.
. . . he put this intriguing development down to the consumption of liquid courage on Lily’s behalf. I point out this line to say that I really like the reference to alcohol of “liquid courage.” Instead of just saying “alcohol” or “firewhiskey” or something, you named it by its effects and that use of words just really stood out to me.
So, I really like your characterization in general, but I especially like it of Lily. She isn’t some tight-ass, rule-abiding princess, which is brilliant. Lily is one of my favourite characters, most of the time, but I think I’m in danger of never being satisfied with any Lily other than yours. I like that she defies all the Lily clichés: she drank at the party and seemed comfortable with it (from Sirius’s POV, anyway, it seem normal), she brewed them all a hangover potion, she danced with James (we all know she really likes him), she didn’t deny it while passing notes, she passed notes, she was hilarious while passing notes and being a great friend (okay, so that isn’t so much defying clichés, but it’s still good characterization of her). Just everything about the way you write her is fantastic.
Okay, going back to the passing notes section, I admit, I was a little worried in the beginning with Sirius writing a note to Caris, but I’m glad that the notes then switched to Lily and Caris, and you used it as an opportunity to show one of Caris’s . . . not weaknesses, but . . . well, just to give a little more depth to Caris, in explaining some of her hesitancy and reluctance to answer Sirius with a “yes,” when she obviously wants to. While I’m talking about Caris, I just want to say that I’m still on the fence about her. Not that I don’t like her—I do—but in chapter two, she still seems a little too perfect. But, then it is only chapter two.
Oooh. A mysterious letter from Andromeda. Exciting. Plot-thickening. I really like Andromeda, so I’m excited to see what part she has to play in all of this. I liked that short three-sentence letter from Regulus, too. I love him. And I love seeing how the two brothers act towards each other when they’re in school. I’m of the mind that they were pretty close when they were younger, and I like to think that some of that transitioned into their older years, too. Anyway, Regulus’s letter made me melt a little. :)
One last thing—I know last chapter I commented on the whole seven deadly sin thing, well, this time I just want to say that I still really like it. I think you’re doing a great job with incorporating them, too. I could see the greed in this chapter, like, the excessive desire part is whenever Caris touched Sirius he felt like he was on fire. Although, I did feel like there was a lot of jealously in this chapter, too. Though, maybe that was the point, to combine the seven sins and show how she brings them all out in him? /musings
Awesome chapter, hon, I’m really looking forward to reading the next one. ;D
Author's Response: Oh my gosh, Mere, your reviews make me so, so happy! I’m so glad you like this chapter, because it’s one of my favourites too. The Quidditch game was fun to write and so was Rob Jordan – he was one of those characters that makes you smile while you’re writing him, even if he only has a couple of lines. Yeah, I like to think I can be quite humorous. And apparently I’ve gone temporarily blind and can’t read your questions about Cam Taylor. Shame, really On Lily and James: I think exactly what Sirius thought all the time! My mates are funny people and we all like to have fun and often get a bit wild, so I often hope they won’t do anything that is beyond stupid, like kiss a boy they claim not to like. God, I love James/Lily. They are just so much to write. And I guess when I think about it, my mates and I rarely say ‘alcohol’ to each other, we’re always saying ‘liquid courage’ or referring to the drinks by nicknames like Crownies or Jimmies. I’m so glad you like my characterisation of Lily. I like to think I’m fairly good at characterisation. Lily is such a great character and I don’t like when writers don’t do her justice, which is what I try to do. but I think I’m in danger of never being satisfied with any Lily other than yours Wow. God, you just made my week. And Caris. I understand why you’re still on the fence, and in a way, I kind of like that you still are. She’s enigmatic. I suppose if we were seeing the story from Caris’ view, you would see her imperfections far more easily. Still, I think as the story progresses we kind of see the layers strip away from her. Thank you, once again, Mere for a fantastic review and all your praise, and I can’t wait for your next one.
This is brilliant, as I’m sure you already know. ;) I’ve always been a sucker for Sirius/OC stories, and this is an exceptional one. I really enjoyed the way you opened it, with the cat, and these two characters that we don’t really need to know for the story, but the set it up for Sirius. Emma and Alessandra give some backstory to Sirius and give the reason for the entire story—the fact, that despite Sirius’s many heated relationships, he doesn’t feel anything for them. It a very fresh and original way to open a story—kudos to you.
Sirius-the-player is a common, and often overdone, idea in Marauder Era stories, but the you have written it very tastefully. Mostly, I think, because of the reasons you give, his lack of real affection for anyone of the girls, that he just doesn’t want to get in their pants (an idea that is quite refreshing—a guy that actually wants to know the girl as a friend!) I think also, that it helps that you didn’t spend a lot of time describing his incredibly sexy body or gorgeous grey eyes or long, cascading mane of black hair. We think he’s attractive because he thinks he’s attractive, but you didn’t force us to listen to how all the girls in Hogwarts dropped dead at the sight of his cute bum. You know what mean?
I have to admit, that right around the middle of the story (“Speaking of girls, Prongs, I hear the lovely Miss Evans is livid with you again.”), I got all excited because I thought that this was going to be a Sirius/Lily story. But, don’t worry, I’m not disappointed with Sirius/Caris. ;) In fact, I’m really happy that you have a little Lily/James (my OTP!) side-story going on. It’s been awhile since I’ve read any Lily/James (or any Marauder Era stories, for that matter), and it’s been wonderful reading this, reading them again.
Your characterization is great, particularly of the Marauders. I can’t tell you how delighted I am that you included Peter, and didn’t make him seem like the most retarded, fattest boy in school—and also that you implied he had girl friends. It makes me so happy to see Peter as an actual character, someone that the Marauders would actually be friends with. I was also happy that it was Remus who interrupted Sirius and Caris at the end, not James. Too often I have read stories where Sirius and James are extremely close and Remus and Peter are just kind of on the side.
I do have to caution you slightly, though, and I do want to say that this is just from me having read the first chapter: you’re bordering on a Mary-Sue with Caris. –winces- I know that sounds harsh, but you have plenty of room to developed her and for all I know, you have. Also, I can’t see Joanna letting you get away with a Mary-Sue.... Anyway, I’ll just explain myself now. :D So, first of all, Caris is Lily’s best friend. There’s nothing wrong with that, and I don’t think that you should change this, but I’m just letting you know, that a lot of people consider Sirius/Lily’s best friend to be cliché (you probably already know that, though). Second, she’s perfect. She’s gorgeous, she’s funny, she knows how to tease/flirt with Sirius, she’s smart, do you see where I’m going? Right now, she seems kind of empty—she’s like that person we all want to be, until we realize how boring their life is. I’m really sorry if I sound mean, that’s not what I’m trying to do. I’m just putting this out there so that you know that someone thought it. But, like I said earlier, this is only after me reading one chapter, you’ve probably given her some problems and have her all nice and rounded out by now.
Speaking of your multiple chapters, I really like how you’ve titled them each with one of the seven deadly sins and have defined it (I peeked at your later chapters ;D). That’s enough to perk my interest really. I’ve recently acquired a fascination with the seven sins and how to work them into stories; quoting the bible and this line: The forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest in your summary are what really made me click on this story. Awesome job on your summary, by the way. =) It’s vague enough to peak my interest, but it also gives enough to really fuel that interest. –applauds-
“She’s on fire,” Sirius said fervently and James, Remus and Peter nodded in assent. This line confused me a little. I wasn’t sure whether the “she’s on fire” was referring to Peter’s comment about her good looks, or if just meant like she’s nice and she’s pretty, or if maybe you accidentally typed ‘she’ instead of ‘he’ and you were really referring to Peter’s face.... I guess I just don’t know what “she’s on fire” means. Maybe that’s just me and my slowness, though. >.>
“You tell me why I should stay and then I’ll tell you where I’m going,” Caris told him. I really like this line. I think it’s the flirtatiousness of it and her confidence and the way it asserts her to Sirius—she may not be holding all of the cards, but she’s got her fair share. It really makes her character for me. :)
Overall, fantastic chapter! I’ll definitely be reading more of this.
Author's Response: Mere! What an amazing review – you just made my day with this. It makes me so glad that you took the time to review so thoroughly; you gave me lots to think about and I thank you for the blend of constructive criticism and compliments. I’m glad you like the beginning – as a girl with a short attention span, I know the importance of interesting beginnings, so it makes me happy that you liked it. I’m also glad you like the little James/Lily on the side, because really, how could I avoid it? And besides, I love writing James/Lily :D I’m happy you like my characterisation and I couldn’t agree more about Peter – I hate it when he barely even exists. He strikes me as someone who maybe tries a little too hard on occasions, but who could be very funny. After all, they did like him until he, you know, betrayed them to their deaths. And they weren’t exactly the kind of boys who would be friends with him if they didn’t like some aspect of his personality, as we see with the whole Snape thing. They were kind of shallow, but hey, they were teenagers. And thanks for the bit on Caris. *Shudder* I hate to think of her approaching Mary-Sue, because she’s such a lovely character, and I think we really start to see who she is beginning in the next chapter, because the first one was more about seeing her through Sirius’ eyes. Though, her little insecurities and flaws don’t exactly come up and hit you in the face, they’re subtler because the story is mainly seen from Sirius’ point of view, even though it’s third person. And I think Joanna would probably smack me across the head if she got anywhere near Mary-Sue (die!), so I think I’m doing something right. I’m glad you like the theme too, I’m pretty fascinated with the sins and I even did some of my final works for art last year on them. They’re just fun; everyone likes breaking the rules. I know I do. And the fire line was in reference to Caris. But now that I look at it, maybe it would be funny if he was saying that Peter was blushing? I don’t know. Thanks again for the lovely review, Mere, and I hope to get more from you :D
Wow, Alison. This is incredible. :)
Gah, I love Sirius/Lily. They’re one of my OTPs (ironically, my other is James/Lily >.>). It’s such a powerful ship, though. I see both Lily and Sirius as incredibly passionate people, full of energy and craziness, and ultimately, that’s what how I see any relationship that they shared—wild, crazy, passionate, and with a bad ending. Really, that’s my biggest “problem” with this story. I don’t see their relationship as one that could last at all. I see it more as a mess, a temporary fling, or a shared desire that sits just out of reach. BUT, I still love this. The way you presented it was wonderful.
I love the premise of your fic, and the way you explain their attraction for each other, through their imperfections. I really like how Lily didn’t want James because he was perfect. In society, a huge emphasis is placed on finding the “perfect” man or woman. And of course, there’s a huge list of expectations that sums up to be the beacon of perfection. But it’s all a lie. No one is perfect—one simply cannot expect another human to have no flaws. That’s what I love about other people—their flaws (unless their flaws land them in jail or something). And that’s what I love about your story. The emphasis is more on finding someone who is right for you, who knows and wants you for who you are, not finding that perfect someone. THANK YOU!
I really like how believable this whole thing is—with James telling Sirius he’s giving up on Lily and only then does Sirius go after her. The loyalty towards James really fits his character and the brotherly way he felt towards him [James]. Actually, I was reading the Sirius/Lily pairing thread in the Character Clinic the other day . . . that is where you got the basic plot for this, no? Well, if it is, you’ve done a brilliant job with it, and if it isn’t, you’ve still done a brilliant job on this story. ;)
I do feel really bad for James, though. He seems so broken and empty, especially in the beginning. As much as it makes me ache for him, I love what he says. Particularly this:
Hey, Rachel! –waves-
God, I love your style. I really, really do. It’s so . . . moving. Strong. Emotional. Powerful. It makes me go “GUH!” and stare at the screen in a stupid silence, unable to form a more coherent thought than “GUH!” because I know that I’ll never be able to write such a fantastic piece. –sigh-
Okay. Moving on. I find it ironic that the two stories of yours that I’ve reviewed are both written to songs (I guess that means I’ll have to review Endlessly She Said next and go three for three) (which won’t be a problem, since AFI pwns). Um, yes. I love your use of the lyrics: the way you work them so seamlessly into the story, the effect they have on the story, and the way it intensifies the meaning of the story. I especially love the way you used the last three stanzas (are the last two stanzas? Or are they too short and just lines?). It’s brilliant.
I admit—I really had no idea who this was about until like three-quarters of the way through, at the line about him sticking with the Ministry, and then I was like “Percy! Penelope!” I guess that was your intent, though, to keep us in the dark until slipping a somewhat-subtle hint in. But I didn’t really mind knowing. The anonoymousity (is that a word?) of it adds so much feeling and darkness to it. Since we, your readers, don’t know who the main character is, we aren’t so much thinking about what we know of her, who she is, what her past is, instead, you’ve centered our focus entirely on her pain and the depth of it.
Lyrics aside, I really like the beginning of the narrative. The description of the perfect, ordinary tree, of something not really necessary to the story, but it built the tension and the character and led the way right to her darkness.
But she fingers the scars on her arm and she knows otherwise. Oh my God. I didn’t entirely understand the full effect of these words my first time through, but they still left an impression on me. And now that I do understand them . . . ! First, I love the way it’s its own line. The hint, the foreshadowing—it seems simple, the concept on the surface of the words, but then when I look deeper and find all these hidden tragedies. I don’t know what it is about the word “scars,” but it’s like “blood”—everything becomes more real and tangible and it hurts more, at least to me it does.
About the way that sitting in a room full of strangers can make you feel like you have somewhere to be, an obligation to uphold. The way that sharing in the same hushed silence makes it easier to pretend that you have something in common – a mutual resignation to the fact that this is as good as it’s going to get. What can I say about this? Really, what words are there to express how much these two lines move me? They are so full of emotion, that I feel like I can grab it and hold it in my fist. And the emotion you’re conveying, the despair, the emptiness, the bottom-of-the-world, the blackest-pit-with-no-light, it’s such a raw and common feeling, that for a moment, it’s like you’re not just talking about Penelope, but anyone in the world who has become an echo of a former self. Basically, I’m green-eyed with jealously over your mastery of words.
Bar confessions are always fun, but their even better with a sympathetic ear. At first, I thought it was going to be him, whoever him was, but then I realized that I was kind of stupid in that thought, because really if she’s so in love him, don’t you think she’d recognize him instantly? If not by his voice, then his face, surely. –rolls eyes at self- I really like that we never find out who he is. It’s a lot more realistic, I think, in terms of spilling your heart-wrenching story out to stranger (not that I really have much experience in that field). And, again, it focuses the story more on her pain and his pain and the mutual numbness. And also, it makes Penelope and Percy the only ones that matter.
“I walk by her house sometimes. Sometimes I just stand there, even if it’s raining, and I wait for her to open the door. She never does.” My eyes are burning, reading this. It’s romantic, but not in the way that makes you feel giddy, in the way that makes you cry. His sadness, his desperation, his hope—it’s hard enough, thinking about a character going through something like this, but when I think that there are actual people who feel this, who do that sort of thing . . . something in me breaks.
As she remembers the boy who sat down across from her in the library an introduced himself, hours after she had decided to end her life. Oh, my. I really wasn’t expecting this. At all. He literally saved her life. This whole story takes on a new, stronger meaning. Everything is so much harsher, so much sadder, so much bleaker. God, I really might actually cry. (As a side note, “an” needs a “d”)
You know what? I’ve gained a lot of respect for Percy.
So I totally read through this and was thinking about my review, to find out I wasn't logged in. -grumbles-
I love you, Britt. You're so bloody brilliant!
-has no nitpicks-
Nikki must be a superb beta! -hasneverworkedwithher- Or you're fantastic at self-editing. ;)
Why? Sheelin thought miserably.
What could I have done?
GAH! This is so..amazing. I particularly like the ellipse on the last "crunch", it's such a small technical thing, but it adds so much to the sequence. It's when you find someone who notices things like that, that you realize what sets the good writers apart.
And Sheelin then knew it was really her; Sheelin’s body screaming what her feeble mind could not.
um, could you be any more fantastic? Like, seriously. The imagery is very well done; it's one of those lines that just jumps out and grabs you. It gives the reader a sense of her despair, of how far she's gone.
She made a whimpering sound much like a puppy and could feel her cheeks flame in mortification.
I love how she's in this awful place, being offered water by a person she can't even see, who she doesn't know if they're a friend or an enemy, and she's embarrassed. It shows how human she still is.
And just like the light had snapped on from seemingly nowhere, so did her vision.
This line really stands out to me. I think it’s the simile. I’m a sucker for them. =)
Her body was enveloped in warmth
-sigh- What I wouldn't give to be warm right now.... /random
A sad gaze confirmed what Sheelin had already guessed. She was alone.
I feel alone. Those two sentences leave me feeling barren, empty, alone, and sad. You have a way of crafting words and filling them with emotion. Kudos.
There was Alice and Frank, who were gone quite a lot, Lily and James, whom were also always on missions, Caradoc and Edgar, whom Sheelin had only heard of and never actually met, and many others, such as Dorcas, Marlene and the Prewetts.
I LOVE this line. (I think I pointed it out on lj, too >.>) It really brings home the Order, and what they do, and what it was like being a part of it. I particularly enjoyed the bit about Caradoc and Edgar. ;D Also notable: the lack of surnames. It's another one of those small-technical-detail things. It makes sense that Sheelin wouldn't know their last names, if she barely knows them. I'm sure Lily and James wouldn't sit around talking about their friend Dorcas Meadows, they'd just talk about Dorcas. It's amazing how you can really get into Sheelin's POV like that.
“Fuck!” she exclaimed.
Mild Profanity? 1st-2nd Years? What kind of cussing do you do, Britt? ;D
“Mistletoe.” Sheelin pointed up, smiling.
Sheelin snorted, peals of laugher coming from her. “I’m sorry, did you really just do that?”
heeheehee. You know, if I ever come across mistletoe in real life, the first reaction I'm going to have to it is a strange desire to set it on fire - no matter who I'm with. ~_^
“Sheelin, I don’t need an excuse to kiss you.”
So, I have an idea. I think we need a plan. A plan to fly to England, and break in to JKR's house, and change the part in one of her little notebooks that said a) Regulus was a Death Eater (I like your version of his role in the second war MUCH better) and b) he died. =( There's too much love around for him to die.
So, um, going back to the bit about Regulus's role in the war, yeah. You own. I like how you worked it into the story, too, it seemed very casual, very normal, not at all forced or thrown in hurriedly. And, also, that's the way it should have been. -sob-
I wish I could borrow your brain for a day, so I could write Dumbledore. His characterization, his speech, it's impeccable. He's a character I often struggle with, but it seems as if he flowed naturally from you. I admire that.
Although the burning mistletoe is quite amusing, I think my favourite part is the beginning. I love how real it seems, and how quickly it moves. It doesn't drag on and on when I read it. It's like it's really happening before my eyes. But it's not hurried. Like, I don't feel like I missed anything, I feel like I was there, with Sheelin, running through the bugs and having a blinding light shone on me and being rescued by a strange, handsome man/boy. ;) I almost felt out of breath when I got to the part about Sheelin sinking to the ground.
I love the allusion to Pandora's Box. With the title, the description of Regulus's face, and the bugs were part of that, too, right? It's been forever since I've read it. >.>
'Tis wonderful, Britt. And so are you. ♥
Author's Response: I like to think I'm not too bad at editing. But if I'm the macaroni, Nikki is the cheese. She does a pretty fantastic job, doesn't she? =) Oh my, you have flattered me. You are so sweet, Mere. I like that plan too. Let's act on that. Dumbledore? Really? That's a relief. I freak when I write him. I get really nervous. Glad to know it worked. As for mild profanity... I don't know, I guess I can't explain that one. *shrugs.* Thanks, again, love.
Hey, Terri. :) It’s been awhile since I’ve left you a review. Or read anything by you, really . . . Anyway, I’m changing that. Right now.
I really liked the first paragraph of this fic. I know that a lot people, myself included, were a disgruntled after reading JKR’s prologue at how reckless and stupid James and Sirius seemed. But, your first paragraph provided the perfect explanation. It was a situation that James and Sirius would be likely to get themselves into and the rash way the acted suddenly seemed justified. So, thanks for that first paragraph. It was nice to see some sense behind it.
The not speaking while on the bike and the silent, simultaneous grab of the butterbeer, and then the continued silence seemed very real and natural. It also showed the depth of Sirius and James friendship. It only makes sense that would spend sometime in silence to allow for what just happened to sink in, and the fact that they both knew that each other need it, it’s just ♥. It makes me so happy to see the strength of their relationship. :)
Your characterization of them in their conversation is just wonderful. Sirius being arrogant and James being more serious and worrisome, but not too much, since he’s still able to joke about it—Elvendork, indeed! ;) And I like how Sirius is Elvendork . . . hee. It made me laugh.
And then Lily. Just. Gah! Your characterization in this fic is so awesome it almost hurts. I especially like how she jinxes them, and then looks at their faces and un-jinxes them almost immediately. I think that that really shows her nature and heart. And of course the whole being mad because they could’ve been killed . . .
I love seeing Lily and James as married couple. ♥ I think the only thing I’ve read about them post-Hogwarts is The Wedding Ring by KASK, and it’s not exactly the happiest of stories . . . ANYWAY, it makes me so happy to see them as a loving couple. It reminds me why they’re my OTP. They’re just so cute. Hee. And I love Sirius lets them kiss for a little while and then is just like “Okay. Enough.” :)) He’s such an amazing best friend. (I think I’m re-learning why I love the Marauders here. ^_^)
I know that in the past, you struggled to write Dumbledore. But that was an awfully long time ago, wasn’t it? Over a year . . . WOW. Has it been that long? Um, anyway, obviously you’ve had some time to work with and it’s not like you haven’t been writing since then –marvels at the amount of stories you’ve churned out- and, well, you struggle with Dumbledore no more! His character was very well done. Especially the “Having a party?” line. It was very Dumbledore to me. And I like his effect on James and Sirius. It’s very natural and exactly what I imagined happened.
As always, lovely chapter, dear.
I got really insanely excited when I saw that the first word was Abby. In fact, in the notes I was taking as I read I wrote “YAY! ABIGAIL!” :) I’m just really interested to see what kind of OC see she is and how she and Sirius fall in love. And I was not disappointed. She seems like a very fun, yet serious girl. I want to know more about her.
The first few paragraphs of this chapter work really well. In the first paragraph, we’re introduced to the main character: we find out that she works, is friends with Lily, shares a confidence of some sorts with Dumbledore, and knows about the Order of the Phoenix. All in three sentences, too—impressive! ;) Then, the second paragraph explains more about the confidence with Dumbledore and why she knows about the Order. I assume she can’t attend the Order meetings because it could possibly cause problems with her job at the Ministry? And of course, it means Sirius doesn’t know that much about her . . . ;D And then the third paragraph. My favourite of the three, actually, because there’s so much motion and movement and it seems very rushed and hurried just like how Abby was feeling.
And then she thinks about Sirius. Of course. ^_^ And, as much as I love this story so far, I’m going to issue a slight warning now: With regards to Abby and Sirius, this chapter was slightly predictable. I’m hoping and planning that the rest of the story isn’t, but I just wanted to tell you the thoughts/feelings I’m getting at this point.
I’m baaaack. :) I meant to be back sooner, but alas . . . >.>
I like that this chapter picked up right where the last chapter left off. It felt continuous and flowed well. Even though I haven’t read this story in a while, as soon as I read the first few sentences I knew exactly what had happened in the last chapter just from context.
The POV in the seemed a little weird to me. On one hand, it felt like it was third person omniscient, but on the other side, it felt like you were trying to make it third person limited. It was just a little confusing for me; I didn’t know which effect you were going for.
I know that POV can be a tough thing to decide on, but ultimately, the story reads better if the POV doesn’t slip or waver. I suggest focusing on one type of POV and re-reading what you’ve written a few times asking yourself “would [insert character here] really know that?” Just my opinion though. :)
Oh, wow. I was not expecting that much pain in Abby’s background. It really makes her character pop though. It sets her apart from all of Sirius’s fanfictional girlfriends. This connection deepens there relationship and makes it that much more intimate and real. It’s lovely.
Oooh, Cassie, this was wonderful. :)
First off, I love the beginning. It’s ambiguous, but not to an extreme. It’s done well, not over-the-top or anything. Also, I really like the emotion and the depth of it. It’s so strong and powerful and it makes me ache for who ever it is. (Ted, I think, but then . . . yeah, I dunno.) The image of a man sleeping on a hardwood floor with his bag as a pillow is a very lonely image. It makes me sad to picture it. My heart has gone out to this man, whoever he is.
It was like a wizard tale. The clever Slytherin helps a hag who later repays the debt. Except that Rose Weasley wasn't a hag, and Scorpius didn't expect to call in the favour.
*Winner of the 2010 Next Generation QSQ award*
All right, first off, I’d just like to say, that you are my hero. –bows down- Seriously. You have, like, 60+ stories up on the archive, and plenty of them are long, twenty-or-more, chapter stories. O.O It’s just . . . amazing. Another thing, you update really, really, really fast. Which, I guess, is to say, you write really, really, really fast. –is in awe- How do you do it?
Hmm . . . where to start? With the pairing, I guess. I’m not an avid reader of Rose/Scorpius (meaning, I’ve read one other story shipping them), but I’ve always loved the idea of them. They have so much more possibility than Hermione/Draco, because, you never know, it could actually happen—that’s the beauty of Next-Gen: it’s entirely up to us! But, also, Hermione’s and Draco’s characters are so set in stone, so firmly developed that it leaves us, as fanfiction authors, very little room to play around with them and really explore them. With Rose and Scorpius . . . well, like I said before, it’s completely up to us. There’s also the whole Romeo & Juliet aspect to the two of them; it’s almost a double standard for them—Gryffindor vs. Slytherin and Weasley/Potter Clan vs. Malfoy. –sigh- I could go about this for hours. Or pages. ;D
The opening is very good. It hints at a more complicated plot than just a Rose/Scorpius romance, which makes it that much better. Romance is all well and good, but it’s a hundred times better if there’s more to the story—and the characters—that just that. Also, I like how Maleficus (interesting and extremely appropriate name, by the way) sort of represents Lucius Malfoy and gives us a preview of what to expect in the letter. Like, how he expects only the best—a treat, as opposed to a pat, and gets violent when the best isn’t delivered, and how he pays no mind to how he could be bothering others: ripping up Scorpius’s paper.
Still in this beginning section, I really love how easily and causally you work little bits of Scoripus’s character into the mundane, everyday conversation. And I guess Nott’s and Golye’s, too. Characters, that is.
"He's still reading the political cartoons."
"The cartoons are in the business section?"
Ahem. Anyway, that bit little bit about the apple was clever, too. Ooh . . . foreshadowing. –cues mysterious music- Although, just curious, it really doesn’t matter that much, why would he grab it at breakfast, and hang on to until after lunch? You don’t have to answer that, if you don’t want to. It’s just me being annoying. >.>
Actually, you know, I quite like Edgar. First, his name: Edgar. It’s one of those names that I love, but I’d never name my child it, y’know? But, anyway, I like how easy-going he is, how he accepts Scorpius’s comments about his failings because he’s just that comfortable with himself (at least, that’s what I tell myself—I hope he really isn’t just that stupid).
Going back to names for a second—Willoughby? Isn’t that from Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen? If it is . . . –squees- I love that book. If not . . . well, it reminded me of that book and –squees- I love it anyway. ~_^
I love how detailed-oriented you are. Like, with that little bit about Scorpius popping into the side room where first years go before they’re sorted. I mean, you gave him a location, other than just like down the hallway or in an alcove, and that makes it . . . realer. Is that a word? Well, it is now. Um, back to details, the anti-tempering charm on Grandfather Lucius’s letter. It makes sense that he’d use something like that, especially if the letter was important, so you gave a sense of the value of the letter and of Lucius’s characterization all tied into one normal moment, showing Scorpius’s nervousness, too. I mean, wow! Hard to imagine you pack all that into a simple, could’ve-been-overlooked detail, huh? –bows down to the genius that you are-
So, er, the letter. –raises eyebrows- Vague. Intriguing. I think the most intriguing part was actually: Scorpius read the letter and cursed. Then he read it again. I mean, the letter was interesting, and it made me want to know what was up, but that line . . . It just really grabbed my attention for some reason. –shrugs- The simplicity, perhaps? Maybe the questions it prompted: why did it make him curse? Why would he read it again if he disliked it the first time? What could be in it to make so important and disappointing at the same time? Etc.
The segue into the memory is good: very nice, clean, smooth, just altogether well-done. I like how you used the letter to perk the readers’ interest and then go on to explain it, giving us just enough to satisfy ourselves, but leaving out just enough to keep us sending you
candies and flowers reviews, in hope that it’ll make you write more and update faster. ;D
Within the memory, I like Lucius’s characterization—the faraway look, the “Spells that cut like swords, wielding magic Muggles only dream of,” the way he’d willingly put down his own son in an attempt to win over his grandson. I also adore Draco’s character. =D He loved his father, who wasn’t bold or daring. Father worried about Scorpius being safe and wouldn’t let him have a racing broom. –melts into a pile of gush- I’ve always been of the opinion that Draco would make an excellent father; a kind, caring one. But, I also see as Draco a lot more compassionate that I think a lot people –cough-JKR-cough- give him credit for. ^_^
And, YAY! –does a little dance- Scorpius is more like Draco than Lucius! He doesn’t want to be Knight of Walpurgis. –grins- Oh, and while I’ve got the knights here, I’d just like to appreciate your amazing research skills. It seems like you always put a lot of effort into each of your stories, making sure that they are truly accurate representations of what they represent. That’s one of the differences between a good writer and great writer. I don’t think I need to tell you that you fall into the latter category, surpassing the first with flying colors.
Um, right. Anyway, back to Scorpius. And the Knights of Walpurgis. Oh, I nearly cheered out loud when he called them “wizard supremacists.” I’ve already read up to chapter seven (I know, I know, and I’m just reviewing now . . . feel free to lodge rotten tomatoes at my head), but when I was reading through this the first time, I had to wonder if Scorpius was going to end up staying at Rose’s house to escape his grandfather . . . Although, since this was even before Rose had been introduced in the story, I really had no idea how you could pull that off.
Rose certainly gets a dramatic entrance, doesn’t she? I was a little curious in the beginning to see why this was so important—the fact that she didn’t turn around and look as he walked in – but, yeah, I see it. Very effective, that subtle little thing, that we readers don’t really pay much attention to, and it ends up being a catalyst to a major part of the chapter. Well, the major part of the chapter. –rolls eyes at self-
I like how you show Rose’s and Scorpius’s strengths and weakness right there in that little bit in Potions. Rose, unsure without her partner, looking lost . . . she’s not an automatic genius. Scorpius just had to scan the first few ingredients on the list and knew right off the bat what they were making and he knew pretty instinctively how to make it, too. Now that I think about it, that makes sense genetically, too. Draco was good at Potions—he got an “O” on his OWL and made it into Advanced Potion Making . . . And Ron, well, sucked at Potions, and Hermione was good at it because she knew how to follow and interpret directions. /musing
Okay, okay. So, I’m a little muddy about what Rose’s . . . um, problem (is that the right word?) is. So, she couldn’t make the potion correctly, because her notes weren’t good enough, no? And her notes weren’t good for this potion because . . . Albus wasn’t there to help her? Is that right? Because it took me a little while to figure it out . . .
I really the dialogue that end, which is the only really true dialogue we see in this chapter. I think it really captures the characters in it, especially Scorpius’s sense of humor. –snorts- And Rose, with her blushes and trying to retain some control of the situation.
Ah, the apple. I loved that, too. Mostly, because you left it open to our interpretation. We could choose, whether we thought it meant knowledge or temptation or maybe a little of both. (I’m inclined to believe both). And, because it tied the whole chapter together, reminding us of the beginning, of breakfast, of the letter. And, making us all that more impatient for the next chapter, as we remember everything that occurred in the chapter.
It’s a fabulous opening chapter to a very alluring story.
-bounces- I can’t wait for the next chapter. And, I’m excited to review the other chapters, too. :D
Author's Response: b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; b29; There aren't enough hearts to show how much I loved your review, but I had to try. If I was the scrapbook type, I'd put it on a page with sparkly stickers. As it is, I'm tempted to print the review and whip it out when someone asks, "Why do you write fan fiction? Why not just original?" Read it and shut your pie hole, people! :D I wrote Draco/Ginny pre-HBP, and I'm glad I did, because I couldn't have done it afterwards, when the characters and pairings were cemented. As much as I hated Jo making Draco cry to Myrtle when I first read it, in retrospect I was glad to point to that and say, "See! He has emotions! He's not just a cold-hearted DE wannabe! There's more to him than meets Harry's eye! My characterization wasn't totally AU! LOL. Thank you so much for reading meaning into details! Life is complicated, people are complex, everyone has issues, and romances are more about change and growth than kissing, although that's important, too! I see Scorpius as taking the apple in case he wanted a snack later. He anticipates things. ;) Edgar takes Scorpius' digs because he understands that while his friend is well aware Edgar prefers to be underestimated, he's still annoyed that people treat him as stupid when he isn't. I tip my hat to you for wondering if Scorpius would end up at Rose's house! I first thought of having Rose stay at school with him, but then realized no, he has to go home with her! There are different types of learning and Rose learns best by doing, by observing actions and writing notes down, internalizing them. Scorpius' looks alone don't impress her, but combined with his intelligence and enviable handwriting—that combination is hard to resist. :) Thank you for not resisting the urge to read this story! *hugs*
What? No reviews! I guess I’ll just have to fix that. :P
Hi, Rachel! –waves- So, I told you that I wanted to review you ages ago, and now here I am, finally leaving you a review. :)
You are a very powerful writer, you know that? Right from the beginning, it’s just BAM! It’s strong, it’s dark, and it’s moving. You immediately let the reader know that you know what you’re doing and you’re not messing around. And, it wasn’t powerful just at the start—you held the power the entire time, never letting the reader go. That was my first thought throughout almost the whole story and, definitely when I finished (‘Wow—this is really powerful’).
And now that I’ve used the word ‘powerful’ enough in one paragraph, I’m going to move on. =) I don’t normally read much Dramione, but I know enough about the clichés and stereotypes of the ship to really appreciate the way you write them. You make it real and believable. Hermione didn’t fall in love with Draco because he was extremely attractive and she was a very sexually charged woman. There was an actual reason, tangible backstory to it—she’s lost everything and she’s become an empty, numb body and the same thing has happened to him. Their love is tragically beautiful.
I like the way you describe it. Hermione doesn’t really want to be involved with him; she tells herself that it’s purely physical, but she can’t help herself. The use of the word “lie” when you talked about this was particularly interesting and, in my opinion, a very good choice. To me, the connotation of lie implies some control over it, that a choice was made—often the easier one. I don’t know if that’s what you were going for, but even if you weren’t, it works wonderfully. I see it as Hermione knew she was going to fall for Draco, but rather than actually think about the fact that she was in love with her girlhood enemy, she chose the easier option, to make an excuse almost, to find a way to rationalize it to herself, to make it more acceptable. It’s brilliant. You are brilliant.
I’ve never heard Hysteria by Muse, but almost instantly after I finished reading your fic, I went on youtube and looked it up. That’s supposed to be a compliment, by the way. I guess what I’m trying to say is that your story was so good, it made me want to listen to the song. I was kind of surprised by it, actually. I was expecting a slower, sad song, so I was pleasantly surprised when it wasn’t. I think it fits the story even better the way it is, than what I was imagining in my head. Which is probably why it inspired this story. (-rolls eyes at self-)
The placing of the lyrics was really good. I’m curious—did you write the whole thing out and then add the lyrics in, in the most appropriate spots, or did you look at the lyrics and then write each section according to what the lyrics said?
I really like the structure of the entire thing, actually, not just the locations of the lyrics. I like the way it’s introduced, the memories, the explanation, the way everything is building up, like a layers of bricks in a wall to the scene at the end.
He too was lonely, frustrated, tired of pretending along with the rest of the world that the end of the war had brought the promised closure that the wizarding world had needed. There needs to be a set of commas around ‘too’.
Your portrayal of the way the war ended is a little mind-blowing. I really like it. Especially, the idea that everything wasn’t just suddenly perfect after Voldemort was gone. That Ginny and Harry didn’t settle back into their relationship as if nothing had happened, no time had passed. Actually, I quite liked the fact that Ginny refused to go back to him. I was a little confused about his suicide, though. For most of the beginning, I thought that like somehow Voldemort managed to kill, and they both died. Then, you mentioned it was suicide, but later it still seemed a little like Voldemort had killed him... I don’t know; maybe I’m just missing something (that would not be altogether surprising).
I’m not doing so well at my job, but I stay there after hours because I have nothing to go home to. But then I do go home, and I sleep, and I wake up and realise that I have nothing to work for. I don’t think you need me to say anything about this line. I’m sure you know how incredible it is. The void of emotion in it, the cold, blank, numb way she says it; it’s heartbreaking. But it’s not just that, it’s that I know there are people in the world who feel this way—I do sometimes. It’s the blunt way that it’s put out there, that really touches me. It makes me want to cry.
Draco, I promised you my entire fucking heart. I don’t know about this. Your overall characterization of Hermione is excellent. But—but I just can’t see her cussing. Especially not fuck. Saying that, I do see why you have her drop the f-bomb. It shows how much the outcome of the war has taken from her, how much it has changed her. But, there’s just this—this alarm bell going off in the back of my head, screaming to me that this isn’t right. It’s entirely up to you, and maybe I just have a skewed interpretation of Hermione’s character, but I really think having her say fuck is wrong. Once was weird enough, but acceptable. It could slip out, particularly if she’s really upset, like she was. But twice? (“So fucking what?”) Eh. I don’t know. It’s pushing it, in my opinion. Other than that, though, Hermione is amazing.
And Draco? Er, can you say perfect? I’m completely serious. I think I’m in love with the way you write him. He has so much depth. He’s got his redeemable qualities (he does love her), but he’s still a true Slytherin and a true Malfoy. Just because he fell in love with Hermione Granger doesn’t mean he’s suddenly going to become like the Prince of Light or the Bearer of Good. He actually tells her “I love you, but I’m not changing. This is who I am.” ♥ That is Draco.
She revelled in the familiarity of his kiss and pretended that this was all he had ever meant to her; that she hadn’t needed anything more to believe in. So, I’ve always sort of been a sucker for last lines. But I think this is like the last line of all last lines. It wraps up everything about the story; she wants to believe her lies, that it’s just a physical attraction, but she knows it’s not. But I don’t need to tell you that—you wrote it (;D). I think I like it so much because it does go back and revisit that earlier idea. Also, it channels all of the power you had in the beginning and all of the power that you picked up as you wrote the story. It’s just so—so good, I don’t know what to say.
Rachel, this story is so good it makes me want to find every Draco/Hermione you’ve ever written and just gobble it all up. Fantastic one-shot!
Author's Response: Ah! Mere, you can't even imagine how much my jaw dropped when I clicked on the review link, expecting to see a sad one-liner, and finding this. First off, thankyou thankyou thankyou for your very detailed and fabulous review, and I'm so glad that you liked this story! LOL, unfortunately for you, this is my only published Draco/Hermione [trust me, the others don't deserve to see the light of day x.x], but if you're interested in another D/Hr written along these lines of characterisation, try 'A Kiss to Send Us Off' by Potterphile12. She sort of inspired the way I wrote this pairing, so you're going to see some similarities.
Anyway. The mood of this song definitely had a huge impact on the way I wrote this fic - really strong, frenetic, passionate - and I am literally honoured that you feel like my writing comes off as powerful. You asked how I dealt with the song lyrics, so to answer that: my intention was to write and stick a stanza in here and there as I went along, but after two pages on a Word document I realised that I had no idea how long this story was going to be. So I wrote it, and then decided on where I thought the song lyrics were best fitting after the whole thing was done. But I did purposefully try to make the story follow the song, which I think is chiefly about losing control. I knew the beginning and ending before I started writing - I just had to fill in the middle. So to answer your question, yes, I made a point of keeping the story loyal to the song, but I added the actual lyrics after the fact.
Hermione cussing. Hmm. I'm so glad you gave me feedback on that, because I wasn't so sure about it. On the one hand, like you said, I wanted there to be some sort of change in Hermione's character, to really emphasise the effect the war had on her. And then, partially, I was just writing the dialogue out as I was thinking it. And, considering that... I have a *cough* slight tendancy to swear more than is healthy, while I was thinking about this part in the story, I really wanted Hermione to emphasise her devotion to Draco, and personally, I use swearing as emphasis. So every time Hermione swore, I think that you're right - it was a lapse of her characterisation, and more... me trying to get this dialogue out. I actually think I'll keep the first 'f***ing', because I like the way that added to her desperation in that section, but I'm definitely going to consider the second. Actually, I thought I'd made her swear more than twice. Perhaps I edited it before I posted this. Huh.
Hmm, what else was there? Ah, Harry's suicide. Yes, I didn't go into much detail, but I was hoping that it was implied. This story is canon-compliant, but it disregards the epilogue, so yes, Harry did defeat Voldemort... but in this story, it didn't bring him his happy ending, so eventually he did kill himself. Oh, but maybe I did imply that Voldemort killed him. If I did, that wasn't the intent - I'll have to go back and reread this, and see if there's any way I can make it clearer.
Oh, and thank you so much for the compliments on Draco's character. While I was writing this, I seriously, seriously worried that I was putting too much effort into developing Hermione, and not putting enough thought into the way I was writing Draco. I guess while I was writing this... he sort of complimented Hermione's character. That is to say, before I started writing, I had to sit down and think through the way I wanted to portray Hermione. I didn't do that with Draco. His character just sort of fell into place, and I'm so glad you feel like it worked. And, ah, I'm addicted to writing last lines. There's something so satisfying about it. The last line is my favourite in like 99% of the stories I write, and it seriously makes my day when other people appreciate them. ♥ Basically, this is turning into a response waaaaay longer than I had anticipated [sorry about that, *facepalm*], so I'm going to wrap it up now. Thank you SO much for all of your comments, and I'll take that swearing thing [and the ambiguity about Harry's suicide] into consideration. Thanks for the absolutely fantastic review, Mere! This really did brighten my day. :D
What? No reviews!
SPEW buddy to the rescue!
-squees- I can’t tell you how happy I was that I got a James/Lily fan for my SPEW buddy. :D I absolutely love reading this pairing. James has always been my favourite Marauder . . . even if he is a complete arse. :P And I love that despite Lily’s refusals, he, obviously, never really gave up on her. Although, I do feel bad for Lily . . . could you imagine? That would be so annoying. I also love the way Lily and James sort of mirror Elizabeth Bennet’s and Mr Darcy’s relationship. Initially, it’s a mutual dislike, but then Darcy/James starts to like her, and then he asks Lizzie/Lily and she’s all like “NO WAY!” And then he’s like “Holy crap! I need to change!” Then he does, and she falls for him and they live happily ever after. :D How’s that for an abridged version of Pride and Prejudice?
I really like the opening section, particularly the second paragraph. It adds a lot of depth to James that we generally don’t see in fanfiction. Well, this whole one-shot does. I haven’t seen much that’s from James’s POV, especially not such an up-close-and-personal POV like first, and I’ve decided that I really like it. :) If the author really takes the time to get into his head, like you have done.
A word of caution, though, regarding the second paragraph: you kind of went overboard with the rhetorical devices. There was an easily discernable pattern and it became repetitive and a little boring. It was a short sentence (Well, except a red-headed girl). Then, two or three sentences that started similarly and conveyed similar concepts (The girl who refused to have anything to do with me. The girl who thought that I was good for nothing.). This occurred four times in a row. That’s a bit much. Try varying up your sentence structures a little. While rhetorical devices are good, be aware of when you’re using them and try not to use them right after each other. It defeats the purpose; the reader is more turned away, than they are turned on.
I couldn’t go and let her see how much it hurt to be alone when I wanted her. This is my favourite line of the entire fic. It has so much depth, and James’s pain is real. Tangible. You can really feel how badly he wants—needs—Lily. It’s such a sad line that you really can’t help but sympathize with him.
James’s choice to go along with Lily’s assumption was interesting. One might think that he’d try to explain why he was really there, in hopes of proving to her that he wasn’t always a jerk. But, it makes the rest of the fic that much sadder.
Hmm . . . Lily’s a little cliché, in my opinion, by immediately jumping down his throat for missing class and then changing tactics lightning-quick to assuming he was asking her out, to blowing up. That seems to be a pretty typical pattern in Lily-hating-James fanfics. Maybe you could try changing it up a little—like, have Lily not assume that James was asking her out, or have her be a little less quick to tell him off. She’s a really tricky character to write, and I think you have a lot of potential with her, but maybe really flesh her out, push her to her limits—or yours—some more and just see what happens.
I really love how they don’t get together in this. That’s the best thing about the story—the premise of it. I love that it’s just about James, and what’s “under his shell” (what an appropriate title!). It’s more about how Lily’s constant refusals are tearing him apart, and why he’s never going to give up, then her reactions to his asking her out, which is brilliant.
A lovely one-shot, Afifa. :D
Author's Response: Ah. Yay! First review! :D
I have a Super... woman for a SPEW Buddy! Awesome. No, wait... that doesn't sound right. Um... Super Buddy. Yup. *nods* :D
I heart James/Lily too. :D It's my one and only OTP though I've been reading quite a bit of Dramione these days...
Pride and Prejudice is love. It's definitely in my list of top ten books. I adore Mr Darcy. *hugs Darcy* And I agree, James/Lily relationship is hell lot similar to Elizabeth and Darcy's.
*opens fic to see which part Mere likes* *reads* Oh, okay. :D I'm glad you liked that part. And, um, I didn't particularly plunge into James' head... it all just came naturally to me. Whatever I've written for this one shot is the result of two hours. You already know I work only with deadlines. Lol. So I didn't really have much time to edit stuff after thinking over it. I'm glad though that you think I've had James very well. :)
About the second paragraph. I see what you mean, I'll try to edit it if I can. :)
James' choice... well, I had to keep the prompt in mind too, see? So I had to keep the conversation a tiny bit witty... Lily's characterisation. I agree with what you say, Kat [my beta] said the same thing. I edited a little bit, but I couldn't change more or it would've changed the whole thing a lot. But I'll see if I can do something about it.
The thing about unrequited love... lol. Well, when I was writing this, during those days I was reading a hell lot of romance novels. So much that I got a bit annoyed. Real life is not like this. People don't always end up with someone they love. There are rarely any perfectly happy endings. So I chose this prompt and plot. Lol. I'm very glad that you like it. And the title, well, I chose it from the Title Library in the forums, so I can't take any credit for it. :p
Thanks for the fantastic review, Mere! :D
Hey, Kasey! –pickles SPEW buddy-
What is there to say? I think I’m in love. With you, your writing style, Oliver, Oliver/Hermione, dark and angsty stories, heartache. Guh. It’s just . . . very, very, very good. Thank you for writing this. :)
I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this. And that’s good, because I’m pretty sure this is ten times better than what I had formed in my mind. I really like how you set it at Hogwarts, during the final battle. We know how hard it was for Harry, and we know what he did, but we don’t really know what it was like for everyone else, stuck back at the castle, wondering what they were going to do. This little glimpse into that was exactly like I imagine it would be: melancholy, desperate, and horrifying.
I think you did a really good job of capturing Oliver’s grief and the general horror of what he—and everyone else—went through that day. I can’t even begin to imagine what it would be like to experience something like that, but I still feel a lot of empathy towards Oliver and Neville and everyone else.
While the first paragraph sets the tone for the rest of the story, that sort of emptiness and horror that lingers on the edges of all the death and destruction around them, it’s the second paragraph that made me fall for this.
"It’s like a safe place, somewhere to watch the world, somewhere... magical."
When the rain stops and the sun comes out, a magical moment is etched in gold.
Chels! –tackles SPEW buddy-
A LoveNote for a LoveNote? ♥
I really liked this. It was short and sweet and beautiful. And sad, too, because we know that Cedric and Katie never really got their chance. :( At least they could have this one moment together before it all went away.
I like your use of the prompt. I never would have thought to put the boat in a shed. The only way I could picture it was on water. But I really love your creativity. And, if you don’t mind me getting all in-depth about this, I love what it symbolizes. Water—lakes, seas, rivers, oceans, rain, pools, etc.—commonly represents freedom through out literature. A boat can be associated with water, and thus, the freedom. But, a boat is also small, contained, isolation. You have no where to go, nothing to do, no one to see. So, the way I see it, in your story, it’s almost like where Katie and Cedric are. They want to be free, to be able to show the world how they feel about each other—water—but they’re can’t, because of Cedric and Cho’s relationship—in a sense, they are stuck on a boat. I don’t know if that’s what you intended or if I’m just reading way too into this, but that’s what I saw in it.
I like how you didn’t come out and explain Cedric and Katie’s relationship, but let it flow naturally and let the reader make of it what they may. It’s obvious that they go way back, they probably knew each other as kids, and are still comfortable around each other. But you didn’t tell me that; you showed it to me. It’s just ♥
This whole thing is done so causally, so easily, it’s like I was there, just another student observing. It isn’t heavy with complex language or lots of things that remind me I’m reading. It’s just simple. And I totally mean that in a good way. ;) It’s the sort of thing that I can just get lost in.
I love your characterization of Cedric. The one thing I really remember about him from in the books is in PoA and Oliver is talking to the Quidditch team, and Katie, Alicia, and Angelina are giggling over Cedric . . . One of them says something about him being “strong and silent” and then Fred says something like “he’s only silent ‘cause he’s too thick to string two words together . . .” ANYWAY, I think you definitely captured the strong-and-silent-ness here. Cedric really didn’t talk much, only when necessary, more comfortable to just let Katie do the talking or sit in silence. It’s brilliant.
>And he feared not just for himself, but for the other champions. This also shows off your awesome characterization skills. I mean, that is such a Hufflepuff thing to think. I guess it helps that you’re a Puff too . . . and have insider knowledge on all things Hufflepuff. ;) But still, it’s awesome (your characterization).
For Cedric, it was like the sun coming out all over again. God, I love this line. It’s beautiful, strong, sad, powerful, morose . . . I can’t say *why* exactly I love it so, it’s just very . . . I picture this cloud settled over them with the mention of Cho, and then it just being shoved aside as Katie leans towards him and this golden light falling on their faces, you know that lovely, warm, late-evening light? So, I guess what I’m saying is that I like the imagery in it. :-) Another thing I like: it’s sort of like the calm before the storm—he gets this one moment of happiness, of joy, of pure bliss before he is murdered. I’m probably the only morbid enough person to be constantly thinking of his death, even in light of such a happy one-shot with no hints of death . . .
Hm. So, I feel like the moment when Cedric says, “Cho and I... we’re not right. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to figure that out. Just... if you stay quiet about this for a few days... we can be together soon. If you want to, that is,” is sort of rushed. Well, actually, I’m going to go back farther. When Katie says “Cho” it sort of comes out of nowhere. Maybe you could add in some of Cedric’s thoughts about how right it felt to be kissing Katie, but oh-Merlin-I’m-supposed-to-be-going-out-with-Cho? And then after she [Katie] says “Cho,” you could add in more thoughts about him being torn between what he wants and what’s the honorable thing to do, etc., and then come out with the “Cho and I... we’re not right....” line.
I’ve never really given much thought to Cedric or Katie (and certainly not together!) but I’m willing to give them a chance.
Especially if you write more about them.
OH! “...they leaned towards each other and their lips connected and they kissed and kissed and kissed and they wrapped their arms around each other...” I like the repetition of “kissed” here, instead of just saying “and they kissed for a long time blah blah blah I am so boring blah blah blah.” The repetition of the word, in my opinion, really implies the passion and desire and hunger between them, without actually coming out and saying that. I take my hat off to you, Chels (or rather, my SPEW newbie tiara
which I might still wear even though I’m not a newbie) and your excellent ability to show, not tell. ;)
So, I really, really, really hope you can follow this review. I hope that it’s connected and flows and coherent, even though I know that there’s not a chance of that. I’m sorry. I’m going to go get some pain killers now.
I love you, hon.
Author's Response: Thank you, dear! Gah, I don't know what to say. I'm so glad you liked this, and I love all the bits you picked out to comment on in this review. Hmm, I agree with your thoughts on that rushed section. Thanks a million for this, dear, ily too! *squishes*