Hi. I'm Mere. I disappear and reappear every now and then, but it mostly all comes down to the fact that I do love to write and I do love Harry Potter.
My OTP is James/Lily, but I have a tendency to ship them with other characters. Lily Evans is my favourite character and I absolutely adore writing her.
If you'd like to know more about me, please visit my livejournal. :)
Rose was a Weasley. She never gave Scorpius Malfoy a second glance. They were sworn enemies, even though they’d barely even spoken to each other. But sometimes all it takes for love to blossom is a Potions lesson, a few snide remarks and a dropped book.
Two people. Two entirely different worlds that are suddenly intertwined.
I just wanted to tell you that I spent the past two nights reading this and it's utterly fantastic and completely wonderful. ♥ I'm sososososo proud of you for completing it. You're truly talented and I hope you never stop writing, ever, and I hope that I'll always be able to enjoy it. :) *hugs*
Love you lots,
Jen! -squishes- I can't believe how long it's taken me to read this. :o
Itty bitty nitpickies:
Rose had never quite mastered the use of household spells.
And she shouldn't be using them if she's not seventeen yet. Maybe say something like 'She'd have to get someone else to clean it or she'd end up doing it Muggle-style.'
At that moment, all she wanted was Scorpius’s words, not his gifts.
There's only one gift.
As he turned away, Rose muttered under her breath, ‘Sleep well tonight, Potter.’
meheheheh. I would have loved it if there was a thought or two about what she was going to do to him. :)
Hagrid came to the Burrow for lunch, and left a few hours later, but not before he had drank far too much and broken two chairs.
-giggles- I love this line.
You have no idea how much it will help me, when I’m miles away from everyone who gives a damn about me. And when I think about it, there’s only you who does.
Aww. Poor Scorpius. I want to hug him.
She unwrapped it carefully, trying not to rip the paper, like she always did.
-smiles- I do this too.
I thought your copy looked a little worn.
I like them worn! It makes them feel loved and it just adds to the whole reading experience. I like new books too though...
‘I won’t want to go to your wedding, if you’re marrying him!’
OH. MY. GOD. I was so not expecting that. Damn. I...I'm at a loss for words. I really can't believe he said that. I mean, it's Ron, but still.... What an arse.
Some Random thoughts -->
I'm very impressed. I think this is your best chapter yet. It's definitely my favourite, even though there's tactless!Ron. ;) Your writing has gotten a lot more vivid as the story goes on and I can really see everything playing out in my head. I like the little details like Rose ruffling Lucy's hair and James carrying Lucy on his shoulders and then dumping her on the bed and such. They really make this chapter.
The beginning was great. It just felt incredibly chaotic and busy; I could imagine a bunch of people running around trying to prep for a big holiday meal. I also like how you explained about the additions to the house.
Fred in the conversation over dinner was hilarious! I felt bad for Rose though. :( Albus... I don't know. It was pretty typical, I guess. I could see it coming... I love Lily. She's my favourite, hands down.
Scorpius's letter was so sweet. It made my gushy, romantic heart melt. And my empathic soul wail with sympathy.
heheheh. The cousins reactions were so family-like. ha. They were spot on. And Ron. Oh, Ron. I'm not even going to start on Ron. lol. It was perfect, just in a horrible way. Hermione was more understanding and so were Harry and Ginny, which was good and just like I thought. :)
Fabulous chapter, hon!
Author's Response: *squishes Mere* It's been a while since I got such a lovely, thoughtful review. I took note of your nitpicks - although, with the first I assumed that Rose had been taught at least a few household spells in Charms or something (or, being Hermione's daughter, she may have taken it upon herself to learn them). And Scorpius' 'gifts' was just a generalisation - I did that on purpose. It was referring to any and all gifts he may give her. :) Thank you so much for all your lovely comments as well. This review has made my day! *squishes again -Jen
Jess! -huggles- You are so talented.
I have a few little nitpicks:
A faint –pop- echoed through the alley.
They all landed with a thud, and immediately, Dacia was sent in a coughing fit.
This is just a formatting error. You need to fit enter again after alley.
When Dante is telling his story about Vance, and he moves on to a seperate paragraph, there shouldn't be quotation marks. Like:
It was perfect until… he came.”
This is the last line of the first paragraph. Since Dante is still speaking when the next paragraph starts, the quotation marks aren't needed.
...how selfish vampire had become...
I think that vampire is suppose to be plural here...
I lived on my own for a couple of years until word got out that I was a wizard vampire...
Err... technically she's a witch vampire, not a wizard vampire.
Okay. So that's all my nitpicks.
"Aren't we a fabulous triangle of grotesque characters?" she scathingly replied.
“Well, aren’t you a fucking ray of sunshine?” Dacia spat back.
hahahaha. I couldn't help myself. I burst out laughing at those lines.
He noticed how she smiled seductively...
Ooh... Who's this?
Your monster party just got even more intriguing. I can't wait to see how they all deal with living with each other. I'm even more intriuged about that little insight we got to Dante's past. I want to know what happens between everyone. Like if there's anymore Dante/Dacia action. Or if there's some Dante/Ravenna. I'm just eager for more in general. :D
Author's Response: Aww, Mere, you picked out my favourite line from the entire story thus far! haha. I actually had the \'grotesque\' quote in my facebook quote section. xD -isatotallyloser- Oh, you missed Dante/mysteriouswomenwhoisvaguelymentioend. Dante can be with whoever; he\'s just that irrestible, haha. (: And \'living with each other?\' but Dante and Ravenna are dead. Okay no more vampiric puns. Thanks again Mere. Your reviews always make me smile.
Monster party! My favorite kind! lol.
...her cheeks turned a light pink colour and then faded back into her unnatural pale complexion.
Hmm... I think you want unnaturally.
Great description, by the way.
“It should be rather obvious, shouldn’t it?” she asked, her eyes still wide in shock.
I found this a little confusing, why was she in shock? I think you could add a few words and explain it.
Immediately, she glanced up at Dante who looked surprisingly calm.
There should be a comma after Dante.
And again, Dacia stopped him by grabbing his hand that was wrapped around the door handle.
Last paragraph she was sitting on the couch. Now she's grabbing his wrist at the door. How did she get to the door?
That's all of my nitpicks. :)
But an angel couldn’t possibly have blessed him this way for he was sure that he wasn’t gaining salvation.
Why do all vampires think that they are doomed for eternity? lol. Actually, I really like the way you protrayed Dacia's and Dante's opinions of themselves. The way they both think they're cursed and evil, how Dante thinks he has it worse, how Dacia's is scared to death of being alone... I love it.
Dante saw his mistake; Dacia saw the golden opportunity.
I like this sentance. I think I like the way it shows how they both view the samething differently. I also just like the way it flows.
“You’d be surprised then,” he said, his eyes looking at certain parts of her body.
Concerned, Dacia looked at the window behind her.
I love how she's concerned for him and not herself. lol.
For once, she felt normal.
*sigh* If only "normal" was something to be wished for for all of us.
I loved it! I like how the dark and angst is juxapose with some cynical humor, cheekiness, and some longing.
Author's Response: Thanks Mere.(: And you pinpointed exactly why I loathe Dante so, but his character is so set there\'s no turning back; he\'ll get better... hopefully.xD Yeah, Dacia is like that; it\'ll be more pronounced next chapter and more to come. And yes, I like that it\'s not completely consumed by D/A (that\'s one of my pet peeves when reading D/A). Again, thank you! I\'m glad you enjoyed it.;)
One teeny-tiny nitpick:
Could she have put herself in a worst position?
'Worst' should be 'worse' because your only comparing two things, her current situation to another 'worse' one.
That's my only one. :D
...their white alabaster skin was glowing even with the faintest amount of light!
I love this line! Well, this part of that line. ;) It really shows how different vampires and humans, well, even Dacia, are different. I also like how it sounds. Have you ever read it aloud? It just rolls off the tongue. lol. :D
Tell them to detox themselves?
hahahaha! I really like this line.
“He did seem interested in me, though.”
“Don’t let that fool you. Raoul can be very… convincing.”
“You think he could take me that way? I was a big girl last time I checked.”
“No, I don’t mean that way. You would fall for that easily.”
Oooh. Interesting. And intriguing. -begs for more chapters- :)
If she could only hold Ravenna for a few minutes, how would she manage?
Possibly even more intriguing and interesting. -gets down on hands and knees and begs for more chapters- ;)
If I remember correctly, you said that you don't like Dacia or Dante, yeah? -ponders for a moment- Hmm... I do, I think. Dante definitely. He seems very nice and thoughtful, and gentlemen-like (lol), for lack of a better word. Dacia, I don't know if I actually like her, but I do feel bad for her. Ravenna, well, the nice of me is calling her a bitch, and the mean side of me is laughing along with her. (The nice side is slightly stronger right now.)
I'm like super-interested right now. I'm mean like ten times more than I was last chapter. haha.
Amazing, awesome, fantastic chapter!
Author's Response: One nitpick? :o For real? Awesome. Yes, I don't like Dante, and I'm actually opening up to Dacia. At first, I didn't like her because she was... normal. There wasn't anything dynamic about her, but as I fill her out, normal is a good thing, and she's very naive and young. I'm growning on her. Dante, there's nothing I can do about him. I never thought I could create a character that I hate. That's just sad. >.>
I love the beginning. It's a normal event to be looking in the mirror, one we can all relate too, but it immediately tells us that there's something different about Daica. I also love the detail you described her scars in. It made them seem very real, painfull, and quite frighting.
There was some pity that she felt for herself, but the more prominent feeling was self-loathing.
We all know this feeling. Obviously, not for the same reasons Dacia knows it, but we can relate to her none the less.
I'm a little confused about the boy. Did she actually bite him, or just scare him to death?
Dante, drunk or not, sounds incredibly sexy. :D
Before she could get any ideas of companionship, Dacia turned back down the hallway towards her bedroom. I am a werewolf, she quietly reminded herself, and I will hurt him.
Awww.... poor Dacia.
I love the detail you go into and how you describe things. Like when Dacia was staring at the beer bottle, or her feelings about the bar.
I can't wait for the next chapter!
Author's Response: Aw thanks Mere.:D I never thought about the reader relating back to Dacia, but I\'m glad she does considering her being a werewolf. She didn\'t bite the boy; she scared him off... unintentionally, ha. And yes, Dante is quite sexy, eh? He gets even better.xD (BB has a picture of him, ha.)
What is a story without a scandal?
Underneath every burn hole on the tapestry of the Black family tree, there is a story, and underneath every story, there is a scandal.
In 1924, the Blacks were the most powerful family of the Wizarding World. They were greedy, back-stabbing, malicious, and power-hungry. And Cedrella was no exception. She was her father's favourite daughter; the pride of the Blacks, and it has earned her a conceited nature like no other.
But during her seventh year at Hogwarts, her life begins to become a little more clear, her family a little more conniving. She is arranged to wed the infamous Abraxus Malfoy and has people watching her every move to make sure she follows through. It makes it even more difficult when Septimus Weasley, a blood traitor and fellow classmate, starts to convince her, that for once in her life, she could have what she wanted.
A scandal forms between the two; a forbidden love between Black and Weasley behind the walls of Hogwarts. If they are found out, their lives will be ruined. But even under the opposition, what a Black wants...
a Black gets.
ARG!!! Okay I had this whole lovely, nice long review typed up and then I hit a button and it DISAPPEARED! -takes a deep breath- I will attempt to remember it.
Hi, Violet! -waves- I'm a friend of Nikki's. I figured that I should read and review this chatper now, before you two get a ton of chapters up and I have to play catch-up. :)
First off, I just want to say, that I LOVE your vids for RGBS and this fic. They are amazing.
A few nitpicks:
Only four people were occupying the large room...
Erm... I'm pretty sure that there are five people. -counts- Callidora, Charis, Arcturus, Lysander, and Harfang. Yep, that's five.
It was their dream to live happily ever after.
But what they failed to comprehend was that they were not normal girls; they were Blacks.
This is just a simple formatting error. All you need to do is hit 'enter' after 'after' and then this section will flow as smoothly as everywhere else.
Out came her cousins, Cassiopeia and Marius, Uncle Cygnus's children, and Pollux and Dorea's siblings.
This sentence was a bit bumpy. It took me a couple read-throughs to grasp any meaning from it, and when I did, I thought that Pollux had arrived too, and I was a bit hazy as to why Dorea was mentioned. I don't think that it's necessary to say 'her cousins' that's implied by the 'Uncle' thing. I suggest moving the words around a little and clearing up your meaning. Maybe something like this: 'Out came Uncle Cynus's other children, Cassiopeia and Marius, brother and sister of Pollux and Dorea.'
She refused to accept it. Cedrella Black would never end up like her older sister. She would marry a man that was just as attractive and ambitious as herself; a man that was even more handsome and charming than her cousin, Pollux.
Oooh. Foreshadowing. I like it. Actually, I like this entire bit about her sister and their fanasty that would always be just that-- a fanasty. I think it adds a lot of depth to Cedrella's character.
“And I came at eight with an expensive gift,” he said, taking his eyes off his cousin for the first time since he had arrived. “Isn't that how the Black family works?”
-giggles- I really like this line. I like how it sums up a part of the Black family. I think that I also like Pollux. He's quite amusing.
I am going to cut the letter short because I want something to talk about on the train ride tomorrow.
Nice cliffie. :)
It's beyond me how he doesn't have a drop of Black blood in him.
I like how this shows that Lysander is really part of the Blacks. Before it kind of seemed like she didn't have any defining 'Black' qualities, but this shows her pride and her vainness and her sense of superiority.
Pollux secretly taking two
ahahahahaha! Okay, I definitely like Pollux. :D
I really like your characterization of the everyone. I also like your characterization of the Blacks in general and everyone shares a few certain things that are 'Black.' Pollux reminds me of Sirius [Marauders' Era Sirius] a bit. I think that I like Violetta as well. I like her loving nature, she seems a bit sweeter and kinder than the rest of them.
I really like how this chapter shows us exactly who Cedrella is. How vain and conceited she is and how proud/jealous her family is of her. I'm assuming that this is just a build up of her character so we can see how it changes because of Septimus.
I really like the way they talk. It fits the time period, and I am extremely impressed.
I can't wait to see what you guys cook up! XD
Well, Jess, your writing totally blew me away--as usual. :)
I only have two nitpicks this time.
How could she use such foul words to me?
Why would someone create such a foul word?
You used the phrase "foul word" in two consecutive paragraphs. Instead of "foul" try vile, revolting, replusive, rancid, sordid, detestable, hateful, horrid, abominable, tainted, etc. to vary up your language a bit and keep your readers interested.
I took a break from my speech, and I drank the white wine in front of me.
Saying "I" again is kind of redundant. The sentence means the same thing and it flows a little better if you take it out. I took a break from my speech and drank the white wine in front of me. I love how you told us what kind of wine it was. It's just one of those small details that just jumped out and grabbed me.
I was a werewolf. I was a wizard. I am a vampire.
I was a wizard. I was a werewolf. I was a vampire. I am nothing.
I love this. It's brilliant. You went back and reminded the reader of the beginning.
The last two years of school could be described as depressing and lonely.
Aww. Monster or no monster, I still feel bad for him.
Great word, vendetta. It's one of my favorite words ever. :)
God can’t save you now
LOL. Okay, I know that this is a highly dramtic and emotional and non-lol part of the story. But, as I was writing this review and re-reading parts of the story, my dad went off on some rant about how dumb President Bush is. And he said something along the lines of "At least God won't forgive him." lol. It just was so similar, but so random. Okay, sorry. I'm done ruining the mood and such.
...cleaned my teeth off.
This seems like such a normal, human action. Well, not entirely, but it's like you checking in the mirror to make sure you don't have food stuck between your teeth--he's cleaning his teeth. It's brilliant how he just kills her and then is able to preform a normal, routine thing.
It was amazing, Jess. Great job!
Author's Response: Thanks Mere! Your comments made me happy as usual.(: I love the Bush bash too! Brownie points to you! Oh, and I love the last line as well. I\'ll say it was my little stroke of genius, bahha.
What happens when you find out your whole life has been a lie? How do you react when the people you trusted, believed in confess to hiding a secret that changes everything you believed about yourself?
Hermione Granger is about to face that situation.
The war is over and life should be simple. She should be planning her future with the man she has loved since she was 11. But now, she doesn’t know who she really is. As she struggles with the grief of lost friends, she also deals with the grief of the loss of everything she believed about herself. Can she open her heart enough to let Ron help her deal with this, or will this secret drive them apart?
Terri! -squishes- I read this chapter a couple of days ago, but I didn't have any time to review it, so here I am! :)
Hmm.... Dumbledore's been modifying quite a few memories...
I like how you included that explanation about Hermione's age in this chapter. I'll bet that a lot of readers (myself included) were wondering how it was possible for Hermione and Harry to be twins, if she was so much older than him. I'm really happy that you answered that right off the bat, making it appear like it was just an innocent question from Ron, but really a way to make sure your readers didn't flip out. :D
I know that you had some problems with Hagrid's accent. Well, whatever you did in the end worked. It's perfect. You didn't overload on it, and you didn't underload it. (Is that a word? lol. You know what I mean.)
Grawp is adorable here. I mean, if you can forget the fact that he's about as big as a mountain. lol.
“Hermy sad,” said Grawp simply.
Aww... this just makes me want to hug him.
Yeh’re their daughter in ev’ry way. It doesn’ matter that yer mom didn’ give birth ter you. She loved yeh just the same.
These lines are really sweet and wise. They make me smile in a sad sort-of way every time I read them.
Author's Response: Mere, Thank you for your lovely review. Yes, Dumbledore was quite busy but as it is Dumbledore, I knew he could handle it. I'm glad to know I managed to get Hagrid right. It was worth the days of cross referencing the books and hair pulling. I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter, there is lots more to come. Terri
I only have a few nitpicks.
First off, it seems like Professor Dumbledore is the commandor-in-chief. While I understand that Professor McGonagall respects him very much, I always thought that she had a pretty good mind of her own. SInce she is alive, and the current headmistress, I think that she'd be a little more active instead of just doing as Dumbledore said. It kind of appeared like he was walking all over her.
One other thing, they are in the headmistress's office, no? I think that the other poraits would offer their own opinions, whether invited to or not. Particularly, Phineas Nigellus.
/end of nitpicks.
“You still avoid saying Voldemort’s name, Minerva? He is dead. We must encourage the use of his name or the fear that has plagued the Wizarding world will last long after Voldemort himself.
Lol. That's exactly what I imagine that he'd say in that situation. You did a really great job on characterizing Dumbledore and Snape. McGonagall was a little weak, but the other two... Man! It was prefect.
With that Professor Dumbledore walked out of his portrait to go to inform Hermione’s true parents that they had a daughter.
GAH! I want to know who they are. *jiggles one foot and then the other* This is going to eat away at me. :D Though I do kind of have an idea... I'm not going to say though, cause I don't want to you to tell me if I'm right, and I don't want to be horribly embrassed if I'm wrong. :p So, I just sit here and wait. lol.
Your chapter was so short. :( I can't wait for the next one!
Author's Response: I wrote Professor McGonagall that way because in my mind, she was still not used to the fact that she was now in charge of Hogwarts. This scene as well as the next few chapters take place only a couple weeks after the Battle of Hogwarts. At this point, I feel Professor McGonagall is still getting her bearings. She has had to oversee the rebuilding of the school and deal with getting everything set for the new school year. Though I am sure she helped Dumbledore in years past as Deputy Headmistress, this is the first time she has had to be responsible for everything herself. \r\n\r\nThank you for your lovely words. Don\'t worry, you won\'t have to wait too long for that mystery to be solved. I am submitting the first chapter, which is longer, today. So, stay tuned for it. \r\nTerri
Hey Terri! -huggles-
I only have one nitpick and it's a formatting error:
They began the walk up to Hogwarts without meeting anyone.
As they approached the gates to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, they noticed the gates were closed.
You forgot to hit enter again after the first sentence.
When the crushing darkness of Apparition ended...
I love this description. It's really clever and it keeps the reader interested.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione had not been back to the school since the memorial service for those who had been killed in the battle.
I really like the idea of a memorial service. It rings true with the idea of war.
I reallly like that you had Harry thank Snape. I've often thought that he would go back and say thank you to him. I really like the way you did it, especially with Snape just ignoring him. (That is so Snape!)
Author's Response: Mere, Thank you for your lovely words. I\'ll fix that error, thanks for noticing it. The scene with Snape just wrote itself. It was like I was channeling Harry at that moment. LOL I\'m glad you enjoyed this chapter. Terri
Hey Terri! -huggles- I think I'm finally all caught up. It's a miracle, really. :D
No nitpicks this time around.
But all the memories were bittersweet. Sirius, Fred, Remus, Tonks, and Mad-Eye were gone now. Remembering them here, alive, caused sharp, stabbing pains that felt like the twisting of a knife in his stomach.
The emotion in this bit is so powerful. I literary felt my eyes well up, I was nearly crying.
“You can now call the Dursleys your relatives.”
Ron didn’t notice how Hermione stiffened slightly at his touch.
That you were abnormal and unworthy to be at Hogwarts.
Aww... -hugs Hermione-
Wow! Okay, so there was so much more emotion in this chapter than any of your other chapters. I think this is my favorite chapter so far. :D
I love Harry in this chapter, first with him not wanting to affect Ron's decision, then his remembering of those who had died, his joke, and his understanding of what Hermione needed (to be alone).
I also love Kreacher. He makes me smile. His characterization is perfect!
I have to go now, so this review was so short.
Author's Response: Mere, I'm so glad you liked this chapter. I had to bring a little humor in to it, to balance the emotions out. There are a lot more emotional chapters coming so you probably should buy a box of tissues. Thanks for your review. Hugs Terri
I've finally found the time to sit down and read all of your story, and *hopefully* I'll never get this far behind in it again. :)
One tiny nitpick:
“That doesn’t even cover the minutes of torture I went through when we opened V-Voldemort’s locket.” Ron was still becoming accustomed to using Voldemort’s name. “I thought – I thought that Harry and Hermione could have had something going while I wasn’t around.”
In this bit, instead of making 'Ron was still becoming accustomed to using Voldemort’s name.' it's own sentence, you could use dashes (-) to seperate that part. If he was actually talking aloud, he wouldn't pause there, it's just like a thought someone might have while listening to him. If you used dases, it would look something like this:
"That doesn’t even cover the minutes of torture I went through when we opened V-Voldemort’s locket--" Ron was still becoming accustomed to using Voldemort’s name “--I thought – I thought that Harry and Hermione could have had something going while I wasn’t around."
That's it. :D
I WAS RIGHT!! YAY! I guessed that Lily and James were her parents. -grins- I love being right.
Harry restrained himself, sitting quietly in his seat even as his questions and feelings clamoured inside his head, begging to be acknowledged.
I love this description. It paints a very interesting picture in my mind, and it's a feeling we can relate too.
He had a sister. Where was she? Did she know she was a witch?
ahaha. Great characterization of Harry. Smart, but not brilliant.
Greatly saddened by the knowledge of his horrible choice, tears glistened behind Dumbledore’s spectacles.
Awww. -huggles Dumbledore-
I really liked how you started this chapter with right where you left us hanging in the last chapter. It makes us (the readers) feel like we know everything that's happened and we aren't being kept in the dark on some piece of information.
I love the role Ron has in this chapter. Too often, it seems, in fanfics (or the movies); he is shunted to the side, completely forgotten about or he becomes Harry's stupid side kick. It's really too bad, because he's such a fun and interesting character. I'm so happy that you gave him such a big part!
Also, I want to comment on your use of POV (That Writing Styles class has gotten me thinking about it a lot. lol). This is written in third person ominescent. Wow. You do it very well, it doesn't seem to focus on one character more than another. It's all very balanced and un-biased toward anyone. I think this is the first thing I've read in a long time that keeps ominescent going flawlessly. It's really incredible and refreshing to read something that's not in third limited or first.
Author's Response: Mere, First off l;et me start with the last part of your review. I didn't even realize I wrote it in third person ominescent. LOL I tend to just write it and the way it comes out it comes out. LOL Hmmm, I'm going to have to reread this chapter and see exactly how I did that. Okay, Ron. I LOVE writing Ron. That was always me, pushed to the side and ignored. I guess that is why I always tend to give Ron a big part in my stories he is in. As far as the chapter flowing right into the next, that is because I usually write one chapter right after another and if there is a break between my writing them, I don't start a new chapter without going back and rereading the previous chapter so I know exactly where I left off. I am so glad you enjoyed it, and yes, you were right. Thank you so much for your review. *huggles* Terri
Hey, TIff! I've worked my way throught that reading list! lol.
Even if he hadn't known his mother well enough to know that she would have done such an action, the fact that the door was locked when he first came back and that there were spider webs everywhere with enormous blankets of dust on everything would have told him such a fact.
This sentence is kind of confusing. What action did Sirius know his mother would do? What was the fact that the dust and locked door would have told him?
Even if he hadn't known his mother well enough to know that she would have done such an action, the fact that the door was locked when he first came back and that there were spider webs everywhere with enormous blankets of dust on everything would have told him such a fact.
He had left, the door had been locked, and the room hadn't been disturbed for nearly twenty years.
The room still made him smile, even now when he loathed this house of his fathers. It was exactly how he had left it so many years ago.
Okay, so you've just told us three times in three consectutive paragraphs that his door was locked and his room stayed the same. I think that you could work something out that tells us that only once but still says something about his mother locking the door and spells lasting longer than he thought (By the way, I really liked that line).
Those are my only nitpicks.
I really like the beginning with the rain and Sirius feeling cooped up. It seemed very IC and it was a good opening to your story.
I love how he has happy memories from his childhood and I love how Walburga loved him and he was her favorite. I've read a lot of stories where she abuses him, but I love the way you show it. It's very believable and I can't wait to see where you're going with it.
A rush of memories about the day that the photo was taken began to flood Sirius's mind, and he put his back to the wall and slid down to the floor as he allowed the thoughts to consume him.
I love the analogy of the memories to water and I like how you told us his actions.
Great job! I can't wait for chapter two!
Hey, Bine! :)
I’ve been meaning and meaning to read and review this story, and I figured, no time like the present, right?
I really liked the beginning. I mean, I know I can relate to that and I bet a lot of other people can too. The peacefulness of that moment just after you wake up . . . it’s wonderful. I did think that Isla was a little older, though, but that’s mostly just because I was expecting her to be from the summary.
Your characterization of Isla is really well portrayed. I like how we know she’s sort of spacey and gets lost in her thoughts just from what she’s thinking without you coming out and saying “hey, guys, this is Isla and she’s spacey!” You know what I mean? Also, I think it’s very ten-year-old like, especially all the random tangents and explanations to herself. She’s a very interesting character and I’m looking forward to watching her grow. ;)
I wish that we could have found out a little more about Isla’s relationships with her family members. From that first interaction with her father everything is so stiff and formal, other than what Isla tells us about what she and her sister used to do. I guess, I just couldn’t tell if Isla’s father actually cared for her or if he just thought of her as a unfortunate necessity or something. But, then, maybe that’s the way you intended it.
Aww! That was so sweet and adorable. My eyes started to water. -sniff- ;)
I love your summary. It's really interesting and it's a great beginning to your story. I really like how it's a beginning and a summary of the story.
We both know James doesn’t qualify for that job.
Sirius's letter was great. It was very IC of Sirius, especially this line. It made me laugh.
Then spotting the cat, Harry started to chase after it.
haha. I love this. Harry nearly killed the cat.
James said, his pride in his son evident in his voice.
James. A father. -gasps-
The way that you worked the photograph being taken into the story was great. And the way you implied why Snape would tear it several years later.
I also really like the way you show the relationship between James and Lily. It's very IC for both of them and it seems very believable and real. They seem like such a happy couple and then only three months later.... -sniff-
Terri you are so brilliant. This is absolutely amazing.
Author's Response: Mere, Thank you for your lovely words. The line from Sirius\'s letter was added after my beta, Kate suggested it originally sounded too formal and too much like Remus. So, I added a bit of humor to it. I\'m glad to know it worked. I had fun writing this one-shot and I have a plot bunny starting with another companion piece. Thanks again for your review. Terri
Hey, Ashley! I thought that I'd repay the favor of reviewing.
Here's one nitpick that I noticed:
Her aspirations of changing the lives of young witches and wizards was about to come true.
'Was' should be 'were' because aspirations is plural.
Nothing was more important than teaching understanding, tolerance, and acceptance.
I really like this line. I wish all teachers went into teaching with that additude. Actually, I wish teachers just had Charity's additude in general.
Mostly, Dumbledore hired her because he believed her heart was in the right place.
haha! This line made me laugh!
The moon was high in the sky by the time she finished...
I really like this way of saying that she was up late. It's a great description.
Thirteen days until Charity Burbage would become a real professor.
I really like this line too. It's a great last line.
I like how you showed her interview and her preperations. It's very creative. I really like how Dumbledore reacted to her. Great job and good luck!
Author's Response: Hi Mere! Thanks for the review, and thanks for pointing out that one sentence (because obviously I didn\'t catch it when I wrote it and my beta didn\'t catch it either). I\'m glad you like Charity\'s character because, as a first year teacher myself, I really based her on me. :) And I love DD in this fic, too. He\'s such a fun character to write. I really appreciate the review! You know us challenge fic writers just don\'t get enough love. :D
Hey Alison! -pickles-
I've been meaning to read this... Ever since I saw Sara's lovely banner, and now I've finally gotten around to it. :D
Some little things:
We loved to talk about things like this.
I felt that this line was more like you were telling the reader, instead of showing them. I think that you show it just fine, and this line becomes a bit unnecessary and seems like you're really shoving this point in their face. Personally, if you just took it out, then that section would be perfect.
I looked confused for a moment...
Um... If this is from her POV, how would she know that she looked confused? Perhaps you meant 'felt'? If the repetition of 'felt' and then 'feel' put you off, maybe try 'sense' in place of 'feel'?
“Hello, Lydia,” he greeted me. His expression softened, because I had always been his favourite child.
“Yes, it was.”
Since Lydia's father is still speaking, 'Yes, it was.' should be included in the above paragraph.
That's it, I believe.
I often didn’t pay full attention to my cousin Edwina — in my eighteen years, I had figured out she rarely said anything of consequence...
hahaha! I love this opening.
Edwina looked frustrated, and her bottom lip came out. She snapped her fingers in a gesture of impatience.
I love this description! :D I could see it perfectly in my head.
...we both loved to be at the tip of the social pyramid.
Mmm... I love this line. The imagery is gorgeous.
I blushed faintly, not because I was embarrassed, but more because I knew I was expected to.
-grins- I really like Lydia. She's so strong and independent, yet she loves this discriminating society she's grown up in.
Perhaps they even thought I was ostentatious.
I reached out to the volumes of books. Why did he need so many? Maybe, I thought, I should buy more books.
Haha. I love that he would consider buying something he considered useless, just to be like someone else. Reminds me of a few people I know....
If that was a perfect likeness, then maybe I didn’t like who I was.
Oooh! I really like this line! It's funny, sad, sweet, and it foreshadows. I'm impressed that you managed to roll all that into one teeny litte sentence.
I can see why this is your favourite fic. :D It's beautiful and intriguing. The plot is so unique, and your characters are exquisite. I really enjoyed this, and I'll definitely be reading and reviewing the rest of it. ;) It might take awhile though...>.>
Lydia and Edwina. hahaha. I love the beginning. Edwina cracks me up. She's such a flake. (I mean that in an entirely endearing way.) Lydia's so interesting. She has a good head, and I'll bet that she's pretty strong-willed too. Despite all that Lydia thought about Edwina, it's obvious that the two of them have a close bond; I'd've put them more at sisters than cousins.
Optimus. First off, I just want to say that the description at the beginning of his section created a clear picture of the Weasley mansion (O.o), but it was kind of a bland read. I think it's because nearly every sentence started with 'the' or 'there.'
On to Otpimus though. I never thought I'd say that I feel sorry for a Malfoy, but here I go: I feel sorry for Otpimus Malfoy. It's a depressing thing, trying to covince a society that continually reples you, that you are worthy of their time. I admire his courage. His sneaky, illegal way of attaining money though...tisk, tisk. Such a Malfoy thing. :D
I loved it, Alison! You are an incredible writer and this fic is amazing.
Wow. You have the charactization of Dumbledore and Snape down perfectly. Everything that they said sounded just like something that JKR would have them say. It was amazing. I am blown away by how perfect it is.
I really like the ways you showed Snape's love for Lily. It seems like a very IC way for Snape to love Lily. I don't normally read Snape/Lily or any Snape-centric fics, really, as I'm not a fan of him, but I think this may have converted me. It was beautiful.
The was a nice touch, not italicizing servant. It's very IC and it shows how much you, as an author, pay attention to details. Readers like authors who pay attention to details.
Severus knew the next seven years with this boy were going to be hell.
I love this last line. It's a great ending to a great story. :D
Good luck in the challenge!
Author's Response: Mere, \r\nHugs to you too. Thank you so much for your lovely words. I am not a Snape fan either, but story just demanded to be written. \r\nI didn\'t italicize servant because I was trying to show Snape being sarcastic in his response. \r\nThe last line was exactly what I thought Snape would have thought when he saw Harry and knew he was going to have to look at him for the next seven years.\r\nThanks again for your wonderful words. \r\nTerri
Meh. I read this chapter and had practically this whole review written in my head only to find that I was no longer logged in. >.< Damn ads.
Anyway, I have one nitpick. Actually two. lol.
The first is actually in your title. The Marauder's Map... In The Wrong Hands! Nice title, I like it actually, but Marauder's is incorrect. It should be Marauders' because the map belongs to all four Marauders not just one. Another teeny-tiny thing about your title... Technically, the second 'the' shouldn't be capitalized. The reason is failing me now, sorry.
And my other nitpick:
In your first paragraph, although it was a nice intro, it's a little confusing.
Harry Potter was sitting on his four-poster bed in the Gryffindor Tower with his friend, Ron Weasley. They were peering over what looked like a piece of old parchment. Harry looked around to see the gentle raising and falling of Dean’s chest as he slept and Neville sleeping peacefully in his bed. Harry muttered something under his breath and tapped the map with his wand. They whispered to each other excitedly, before walking out of the room. An hour later, when they returned, Harry quickly packed the parchment away into the bottom of his trunk. He and Ron got back to their respective beds and slept.
It starts out as a piece of old parchment, it becomes a map, and then it's a piece of parchment again. To someone who wasn't really familiar with HP (which everyone who is reading this story probably is, but still, as an author, you should pretend your readers don't know anything about HP and the wizarding world.) they would probably think you're talking about at least two different things. I think that you should add in a little explination about the map and the parchment being the same thing.
Okay. Nitpicks are done.
Hm. First off, I've read very little in this category. I don't think I've ever actually finished a story before... It's not that I don't have a sense of humor... I actually have a very broad one and tend to laugh when no one else is. >.> Anyway, what I mean to say is that this is unknown territory to me, and I'm a little uncertain about it. Your story was very good; I enjoyed it a lot. :)
Don’t you realise that Harry is the single coolest guy in the WHOLE of Hogwarts right now?
-snorts- I can so see Pavarti saying that... Well, maybe not exactly that, but something a long those lines.
Dean reeled back, struck by her words. She had said his name three times in a row! Oh, so this was what it felt like to be loved back by someone you loved…
ahahaha! I think these are my favorite lines in this chapter. :p
heeheehee. -giggles at Marauders- I liked James's whole rat-dog-werewolf deal, that was clever.
-is intrigued- Who's this?
-has a few guesses-
-or rather one guess-
-is unwilling to tell incase she's wrong-
So.... Draco. -laughs at thought of him and Marauders-
-wonders where this is going-
Author's Response: MERE!
Good thing it was only written in your head, imagine you having typed up all that stuff, and then finding yourslef logged out...
Well,"The Marauder's Map" is how it is in the books. I realize your point, but I think MWPP wanted to make the map for ANY Marauder. The map belongs to a marauder, any marauder. Am I coherent? About the second "the", I guess you are right, I've heard of some rule like that though I don't actually know it... I'll change it!
The first paragraph... You're right, it IS confusing. I'll have to change that also. *muters something about useless editing*
Glad to hear you enjoyed it! Yeah, I guessed Parvati would sya something like that... Someone found that funny! Schmergo suggested that I put in something funny there... And I did!
Thanks for the review, Mere!