Hi. I'm Mere. I disappear and reappear every now and then, but it mostly all comes down to the fact that I do love to write and I do love Harry Potter.
My OTP is James/Lily, but I have a tendency to ship them with other characters. Lily Evans is my favourite character and I absolutely adore writing her.
If you'd like to know more about me, please visit my livejournal. :)
I love the beginning. It's a normal event to be looking in the mirror, one we can all relate too, but it immediately tells us that there's something different about Daica. I also love the detail you described her scars in. It made them seem very real, painfull, and quite frighting.
There was some pity that she felt for herself, but the more prominent feeling was self-loathing.
We all know this feeling. Obviously, not for the same reasons Dacia knows it, but we can relate to her none the less.
I'm a little confused about the boy. Did she actually bite him, or just scare him to death?
Dante, drunk or not, sounds incredibly sexy. :D
Before she could get any ideas of companionship, Dacia turned back down the hallway towards her bedroom. I am a werewolf, she quietly reminded herself, and I will hurt him.
Awww.... poor Dacia.
I love the detail you go into and how you describe things. Like when Dacia was staring at the beer bottle, or her feelings about the bar.
I can't wait for the next chapter!
Author's Response: Aw thanks Mere.:D I never thought about the reader relating back to Dacia, but I\'m glad she does considering her being a werewolf. She didn\'t bite the boy; she scared him off... unintentionally, ha. And yes, Dante is quite sexy, eh? He gets even better.xD (BB has a picture of him, ha.)
What is a story without a scandal?
Underneath every burn hole on the tapestry of the Black family tree, there is a story, and underneath every story, there is a scandal.
In 1924, the Blacks were the most powerful family of the Wizarding World. They were greedy, back-stabbing, malicious, and power-hungry. And Cedrella was no exception. She was her father's favourite daughter; the pride of the Blacks, and it has earned her a conceited nature like no other.
But during her seventh year at Hogwarts, her life begins to become a little more clear, her family a little more conniving. She is arranged to wed the infamous Abraxus Malfoy and has people watching her every move to make sure she follows through. It makes it even more difficult when Septimus Weasley, a blood traitor and fellow classmate, starts to convince her, that for once in her life, she could have what she wanted.
A scandal forms between the two; a forbidden love between Black and Weasley behind the walls of Hogwarts. If they are found out, their lives will be ruined. But even under the opposition, what a Black wants...
a Black gets.
ARG!!! Okay I had this whole lovely, nice long review typed up and then I hit a button and it DISAPPEARED! -takes a deep breath- I will attempt to remember it.
Hi, Violet! -waves- I'm a friend of Nikki's. I figured that I should read and review this chatper now, before you two get a ton of chapters up and I have to play catch-up. :)
First off, I just want to say, that I LOVE your vids for RGBS and this fic. They are amazing.
A few nitpicks:
Only four people were occupying the large room...
Erm... I'm pretty sure that there are five people. -counts- Callidora, Charis, Arcturus, Lysander, and Harfang. Yep, that's five.
It was their dream to live happily ever after.
But what they failed to comprehend was that they were not normal girls; they were Blacks.
This is just a simple formatting error. All you need to do is hit 'enter' after 'after' and then this section will flow as smoothly as everywhere else.
Out came her cousins, Cassiopeia and Marius, Uncle Cygnus's children, and Pollux and Dorea's siblings.
This sentence was a bit bumpy. It took me a couple read-throughs to grasp any meaning from it, and when I did, I thought that Pollux had arrived too, and I was a bit hazy as to why Dorea was mentioned. I don't think that it's necessary to say 'her cousins' that's implied by the 'Uncle' thing. I suggest moving the words around a little and clearing up your meaning. Maybe something like this: 'Out came Uncle Cynus's other children, Cassiopeia and Marius, brother and sister of Pollux and Dorea.'
She refused to accept it. Cedrella Black would never end up like her older sister. She would marry a man that was just as attractive and ambitious as herself; a man that was even more handsome and charming than her cousin, Pollux.
Oooh. Foreshadowing. I like it. Actually, I like this entire bit about her sister and their fanasty that would always be just that-- a fanasty. I think it adds a lot of depth to Cedrella's character.
“And I came at eight with an expensive gift,” he said, taking his eyes off his cousin for the first time since he had arrived. “Isn't that how the Black family works?”
-giggles- I really like this line. I like how it sums up a part of the Black family. I think that I also like Pollux. He's quite amusing.
I am going to cut the letter short because I want something to talk about on the train ride tomorrow.
Nice cliffie. :)
It's beyond me how he doesn't have a drop of Black blood in him.
I like how this shows that Lysander is really part of the Blacks. Before it kind of seemed like she didn't have any defining 'Black' qualities, but this shows her pride and her vainness and her sense of superiority.
Pollux secretly taking two
ahahahahaha! Okay, I definitely like Pollux. :D
I really like your characterization of the everyone. I also like your characterization of the Blacks in general and everyone shares a few certain things that are 'Black.' Pollux reminds me of Sirius [Marauders' Era Sirius] a bit. I think that I like Violetta as well. I like her loving nature, she seems a bit sweeter and kinder than the rest of them.
I really like how this chapter shows us exactly who Cedrella is. How vain and conceited she is and how proud/jealous her family is of her. I'm assuming that this is just a build up of her character so we can see how it changes because of Septimus.
I really like the way they talk. It fits the time period, and I am extremely impressed.
I can't wait to see what you guys cook up! XD
Well, Jess, your writing totally blew me away--as usual. :)
I only have two nitpicks this time.
How could she use such foul words to me?
Why would someone create such a foul word?
You used the phrase "foul word" in two consecutive paragraphs. Instead of "foul" try vile, revolting, replusive, rancid, sordid, detestable, hateful, horrid, abominable, tainted, etc. to vary up your language a bit and keep your readers interested.
I took a break from my speech, and I drank the white wine in front of me.
Saying "I" again is kind of redundant. The sentence means the same thing and it flows a little better if you take it out. I took a break from my speech and drank the white wine in front of me. I love how you told us what kind of wine it was. It's just one of those small details that just jumped out and grabbed me.
I was a werewolf. I was a wizard. I am a vampire.
I was a wizard. I was a werewolf. I was a vampire. I am nothing.
I love this. It's brilliant. You went back and reminded the reader of the beginning.
The last two years of school could be described as depressing and lonely.
Aww. Monster or no monster, I still feel bad for him.
Great word, vendetta. It's one of my favorite words ever. :)
God can’t save you now
LOL. Okay, I know that this is a highly dramtic and emotional and non-lol part of the story. But, as I was writing this review and re-reading parts of the story, my dad went off on some rant about how dumb President Bush is. And he said something along the lines of "At least God won't forgive him." lol. It just was so similar, but so random. Okay, sorry. I'm done ruining the mood and such.
...cleaned my teeth off.
This seems like such a normal, human action. Well, not entirely, but it's like you checking in the mirror to make sure you don't have food stuck between your teeth--he's cleaning his teeth. It's brilliant how he just kills her and then is able to preform a normal, routine thing.
It was amazing, Jess. Great job!
Author's Response: Thanks Mere! Your comments made me happy as usual.(: I love the Bush bash too! Brownie points to you! Oh, and I love the last line as well. I\'ll say it was my little stroke of genius, bahha.
What happens when you find out your whole life has been a lie? How do you react when the people you trusted, believed in confess to hiding a secret that changes everything you believed about yourself?
Hermione Granger is about to face that situation.
The war is over and life should be simple. She should be planning her future with the man she has loved since she was 11. But now, she doesn’t know who she really is. As she struggles with the grief of lost friends, she also deals with the grief of the loss of everything she believed about herself. Can she open her heart enough to let Ron help her deal with this, or will this secret drive them apart?
Terri! -squishes- I read this chapter a couple of days ago, but I didn't have any time to review it, so here I am! :)
Hmm.... Dumbledore's been modifying quite a few memories...
I like how you included that explanation about Hermione's age in this chapter. I'll bet that a lot of readers (myself included) were wondering how it was possible for Hermione and Harry to be twins, if she was so much older than him. I'm really happy that you answered that right off the bat, making it appear like it was just an innocent question from Ron, but really a way to make sure your readers didn't flip out. :D
I know that you had some problems with Hagrid's accent. Well, whatever you did in the end worked. It's perfect. You didn't overload on it, and you didn't underload it. (Is that a word? lol. You know what I mean.)
Grawp is adorable here. I mean, if you can forget the fact that he's about as big as a mountain. lol.
“Hermy sad,” said Grawp simply.
Aww... this just makes me want to hug him.
Yeh’re their daughter in ev’ry way. It doesn’ matter that yer mom didn’ give birth ter you. She loved yeh just the same.
These lines are really sweet and wise. They make me smile in a sad sort-of way every time I read them.
Author's Response: Mere, Thank you for your lovely review. Yes, Dumbledore was quite busy but as it is Dumbledore, I knew he could handle it. I'm glad to know I managed to get Hagrid right. It was worth the days of cross referencing the books and hair pulling. I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter, there is lots more to come. Terri
I only have a few nitpicks.
First off, it seems like Professor Dumbledore is the commandor-in-chief. While I understand that Professor McGonagall respects him very much, I always thought that she had a pretty good mind of her own. SInce she is alive, and the current headmistress, I think that she'd be a little more active instead of just doing as Dumbledore said. It kind of appeared like he was walking all over her.
One other thing, they are in the headmistress's office, no? I think that the other poraits would offer their own opinions, whether invited to or not. Particularly, Phineas Nigellus.
/end of nitpicks.
“You still avoid saying Voldemort’s name, Minerva? He is dead. We must encourage the use of his name or the fear that has plagued the Wizarding world will last long after Voldemort himself.
Lol. That's exactly what I imagine that he'd say in that situation. You did a really great job on characterizing Dumbledore and Snape. McGonagall was a little weak, but the other two... Man! It was prefect.
With that Professor Dumbledore walked out of his portrait to go to inform Hermione’s true parents that they had a daughter.
GAH! I want to know who they are. *jiggles one foot and then the other* This is going to eat away at me. :D Though I do kind of have an idea... I'm not going to say though, cause I don't want to you to tell me if I'm right, and I don't want to be horribly embrassed if I'm wrong. :p So, I just sit here and wait. lol.
Your chapter was so short. :( I can't wait for the next one!
Author's Response: I wrote Professor McGonagall that way because in my mind, she was still not used to the fact that she was now in charge of Hogwarts. This scene as well as the next few chapters take place only a couple weeks after the Battle of Hogwarts. At this point, I feel Professor McGonagall is still getting her bearings. She has had to oversee the rebuilding of the school and deal with getting everything set for the new school year. Though I am sure she helped Dumbledore in years past as Deputy Headmistress, this is the first time she has had to be responsible for everything herself. \r\n\r\nThank you for your lovely words. Don\'t worry, you won\'t have to wait too long for that mystery to be solved. I am submitting the first chapter, which is longer, today. So, stay tuned for it. \r\nTerri
Hey Terri! -huggles-
I only have one nitpick and it's a formatting error:
They began the walk up to Hogwarts without meeting anyone.
As they approached the gates to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, they noticed the gates were closed.
You forgot to hit enter again after the first sentence.
When the crushing darkness of Apparition ended...
I love this description. It's really clever and it keeps the reader interested.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione had not been back to the school since the memorial service for those who had been killed in the battle.
I really like the idea of a memorial service. It rings true with the idea of war.
I reallly like that you had Harry thank Snape. I've often thought that he would go back and say thank you to him. I really like the way you did it, especially with Snape just ignoring him. (That is so Snape!)
Author's Response: Mere, Thank you for your lovely words. I\'ll fix that error, thanks for noticing it. The scene with Snape just wrote itself. It was like I was channeling Harry at that moment. LOL I\'m glad you enjoyed this chapter. Terri
Hey Terri! -huggles- I think I'm finally all caught up. It's a miracle, really. :D
No nitpicks this time around.
But all the memories were bittersweet. Sirius, Fred, Remus, Tonks, and Mad-Eye were gone now. Remembering them here, alive, caused sharp, stabbing pains that felt like the twisting of a knife in his stomach.
The emotion in this bit is so powerful. I literary felt my eyes well up, I was nearly crying.
“You can now call the Dursleys your relatives.”
Ron didn’t notice how Hermione stiffened slightly at his touch.
That you were abnormal and unworthy to be at Hogwarts.
Aww... -hugs Hermione-
Wow! Okay, so there was so much more emotion in this chapter than any of your other chapters. I think this is my favorite chapter so far. :D
I love Harry in this chapter, first with him not wanting to affect Ron's decision, then his remembering of those who had died, his joke, and his understanding of what Hermione needed (to be alone).
I also love Kreacher. He makes me smile. His characterization is perfect!
I have to go now, so this review was so short.
Author's Response: Mere, I'm so glad you liked this chapter. I had to bring a little humor in to it, to balance the emotions out. There are a lot more emotional chapters coming so you probably should buy a box of tissues. Thanks for your review. Hugs Terri
I've finally found the time to sit down and read all of your story, and *hopefully* I'll never get this far behind in it again. :)
One tiny nitpick:
“That doesn’t even cover the minutes of torture I went through when we opened V-Voldemort’s locket.” Ron was still becoming accustomed to using Voldemort’s name. “I thought – I thought that Harry and Hermione could have had something going while I wasn’t around.”
In this bit, instead of making 'Ron was still becoming accustomed to using Voldemort’s name.' it's own sentence, you could use dashes (-) to seperate that part. If he was actually talking aloud, he wouldn't pause there, it's just like a thought someone might have while listening to him. If you used dases, it would look something like this:
"That doesn’t even cover the minutes of torture I went through when we opened V-Voldemort’s locket--" Ron was still becoming accustomed to using Voldemort’s name “--I thought – I thought that Harry and Hermione could have had something going while I wasn’t around."
That's it. :D
I WAS RIGHT!! YAY! I guessed that Lily and James were her parents. -grins- I love being right.
Harry restrained himself, sitting quietly in his seat even as his questions and feelings clamoured inside his head, begging to be acknowledged.
I love this description. It paints a very interesting picture in my mind, and it's a feeling we can relate too.
He had a sister. Where was she? Did she know she was a witch?
ahaha. Great characterization of Harry. Smart, but not brilliant.
Greatly saddened by the knowledge of his horrible choice, tears glistened behind Dumbledore’s spectacles.
Awww. -huggles Dumbledore-
I really liked how you started this chapter with right where you left us hanging in the last chapter. It makes us (the readers) feel like we know everything that's happened and we aren't being kept in the dark on some piece of information.
I love the role Ron has in this chapter. Too often, it seems, in fanfics (or the movies); he is shunted to the side, completely forgotten about or he becomes Harry's stupid side kick. It's really too bad, because he's such a fun and interesting character. I'm so happy that you gave him such a big part!
Also, I want to comment on your use of POV (That Writing Styles class has gotten me thinking about it a lot. lol). This is written in third person ominescent. Wow. You do it very well, it doesn't seem to focus on one character more than another. It's all very balanced and un-biased toward anyone. I think this is the first thing I've read in a long time that keeps ominescent going flawlessly. It's really incredible and refreshing to read something that's not in third limited or first.
Author's Response: Mere, First off l;et me start with the last part of your review. I didn't even realize I wrote it in third person ominescent. LOL I tend to just write it and the way it comes out it comes out. LOL Hmmm, I'm going to have to reread this chapter and see exactly how I did that. Okay, Ron. I LOVE writing Ron. That was always me, pushed to the side and ignored. I guess that is why I always tend to give Ron a big part in my stories he is in. As far as the chapter flowing right into the next, that is because I usually write one chapter right after another and if there is a break between my writing them, I don't start a new chapter without going back and rereading the previous chapter so I know exactly where I left off. I am so glad you enjoyed it, and yes, you were right. Thank you so much for your review. *huggles* Terri
Hey, TIff! I've worked my way throught that reading list! lol.
Even if he hadn't known his mother well enough to know that she would have done such an action, the fact that the door was locked when he first came back and that there were spider webs everywhere with enormous blankets of dust on everything would have told him such a fact.
This sentence is kind of confusing. What action did Sirius know his mother would do? What was the fact that the dust and locked door would have told him?
Even if he hadn't known his mother well enough to know that she would have done such an action, the fact that the door was locked when he first came back and that there were spider webs everywhere with enormous blankets of dust on everything would have told him such a fact.
He had left, the door had been locked, and the room hadn't been disturbed for nearly twenty years.
The room still made him smile, even now when he loathed this house of his fathers. It was exactly how he had left it so many years ago.
Okay, so you've just told us three times in three consectutive paragraphs that his door was locked and his room stayed the same. I think that you could work something out that tells us that only once but still says something about his mother locking the door and spells lasting longer than he thought (By the way, I really liked that line).
Those are my only nitpicks.
I really like the beginning with the rain and Sirius feeling cooped up. It seemed very IC and it was a good opening to your story.
I love how he has happy memories from his childhood and I love how Walburga loved him and he was her favorite. I've read a lot of stories where she abuses him, but I love the way you show it. It's very believable and I can't wait to see where you're going with it.
A rush of memories about the day that the photo was taken began to flood Sirius's mind, and he put his back to the wall and slid down to the floor as he allowed the thoughts to consume him.
I love the analogy of the memories to water and I like how you told us his actions.
Great job! I can't wait for chapter two!
Hey, Bine! :)
I’ve been meaning and meaning to read and review this story, and I figured, no time like the present, right?
I really liked the beginning. I mean, I know I can relate to that and I bet a lot of other people can too. The peacefulness of that moment just after you wake up . . . it’s wonderful. I did think that Isla was a little older, though, but that’s mostly just because I was expecting her to be from the summary.
Your characterization of Isla is really well portrayed. I like how we know she’s sort of spacey and gets lost in her thoughts just from what she’s thinking without you coming out and saying “hey, guys, this is Isla and she’s spacey!” You know what I mean? Also, I think it’s very ten-year-old like, especially all the random tangents and explanations to herself. She’s a very interesting character and I’m looking forward to watching her grow. ;)
I wish that we could have found out a little more about Isla’s relationships with her family members. From that first interaction with her father everything is so stiff and formal, other than what Isla tells us about what she and her sister used to do. I guess, I just couldn’t tell if Isla’s father actually cared for her or if he just thought of her as a unfortunate necessity or something. But, then, maybe that’s the way you intended it.
Aww! That was so sweet and adorable. My eyes started to water. -sniff- ;)
I love your summary. It's really interesting and it's a great beginning to your story. I really like how it's a beginning and a summary of the story.
We both know James doesn’t qualify for that job.
Sirius's letter was great. It was very IC of Sirius, especially this line. It made me laugh.
Then spotting the cat, Harry started to chase after it.
haha. I love this. Harry nearly killed the cat.
James said, his pride in his son evident in his voice.
James. A father. -gasps-
The way that you worked the photograph being taken into the story was great. And the way you implied why Snape would tear it several years later.
I also really like the way you show the relationship between James and Lily. It's very IC for both of them and it seems very believable and real. They seem like such a happy couple and then only three months later.... -sniff-
Terri you are so brilliant. This is absolutely amazing.
Author's Response: Mere, Thank you for your lovely words. The line from Sirius\'s letter was added after my beta, Kate suggested it originally sounded too formal and too much like Remus. So, I added a bit of humor to it. I\'m glad to know it worked. I had fun writing this one-shot and I have a plot bunny starting with another companion piece. Thanks again for your review. Terri
Hey, Ashley! I thought that I'd repay the favor of reviewing.
Here's one nitpick that I noticed:
Her aspirations of changing the lives of young witches and wizards was about to come true.
'Was' should be 'were' because aspirations is plural.
Nothing was more important than teaching understanding, tolerance, and acceptance.
I really like this line. I wish all teachers went into teaching with that additude. Actually, I wish teachers just had Charity's additude in general.
Mostly, Dumbledore hired her because he believed her heart was in the right place.
haha! This line made me laugh!
The moon was high in the sky by the time she finished...
I really like this way of saying that she was up late. It's a great description.
Thirteen days until Charity Burbage would become a real professor.
I really like this line too. It's a great last line.
I like how you showed her interview and her preperations. It's very creative. I really like how Dumbledore reacted to her. Great job and good luck!
Author's Response: Hi Mere! Thanks for the review, and thanks for pointing out that one sentence (because obviously I didn\'t catch it when I wrote it and my beta didn\'t catch it either). I\'m glad you like Charity\'s character because, as a first year teacher myself, I really based her on me. :) And I love DD in this fic, too. He\'s such a fun character to write. I really appreciate the review! You know us challenge fic writers just don\'t get enough love. :D
Hey Alison! -pickles-
I've been meaning to read this... Ever since I saw Sara's lovely banner, and now I've finally gotten around to it. :D
Some little things:
We loved to talk about things like this.
I felt that this line was more like you were telling the reader, instead of showing them. I think that you show it just fine, and this line becomes a bit unnecessary and seems like you're really shoving this point in their face. Personally, if you just took it out, then that section would be perfect.
I looked confused for a moment...
Um... If this is from her POV, how would she know that she looked confused? Perhaps you meant 'felt'? If the repetition of 'felt' and then 'feel' put you off, maybe try 'sense' in place of 'feel'?
“Hello, Lydia,” he greeted me. His expression softened, because I had always been his favourite child.
“Yes, it was.”
Since Lydia's father is still speaking, 'Yes, it was.' should be included in the above paragraph.
That's it, I believe.
I often didn’t pay full attention to my cousin Edwina — in my eighteen years, I had figured out she rarely said anything of consequence...
hahaha! I love this opening.
Edwina looked frustrated, and her bottom lip came out. She snapped her fingers in a gesture of impatience.
I love this description! :D I could see it perfectly in my head.
...we both loved to be at the tip of the social pyramid.
Mmm... I love this line. The imagery is gorgeous.
I blushed faintly, not because I was embarrassed, but more because I knew I was expected to.
-grins- I really like Lydia. She's so strong and independent, yet she loves this discriminating society she's grown up in.
Perhaps they even thought I was ostentatious.
I reached out to the volumes of books. Why did he need so many? Maybe, I thought, I should buy more books.
Haha. I love that he would consider buying something he considered useless, just to be like someone else. Reminds me of a few people I know....
If that was a perfect likeness, then maybe I didn’t like who I was.
Oooh! I really like this line! It's funny, sad, sweet, and it foreshadows. I'm impressed that you managed to roll all that into one teeny litte sentence.
I can see why this is your favourite fic. :D It's beautiful and intriguing. The plot is so unique, and your characters are exquisite. I really enjoyed this, and I'll definitely be reading and reviewing the rest of it. ;) It might take awhile though...>.>
Lydia and Edwina. hahaha. I love the beginning. Edwina cracks me up. She's such a flake. (I mean that in an entirely endearing way.) Lydia's so interesting. She has a good head, and I'll bet that she's pretty strong-willed too. Despite all that Lydia thought about Edwina, it's obvious that the two of them have a close bond; I'd've put them more at sisters than cousins.
Optimus. First off, I just want to say that the description at the beginning of his section created a clear picture of the Weasley mansion (O.o), but it was kind of a bland read. I think it's because nearly every sentence started with 'the' or 'there.'
On to Otpimus though. I never thought I'd say that I feel sorry for a Malfoy, but here I go: I feel sorry for Otpimus Malfoy. It's a depressing thing, trying to covince a society that continually reples you, that you are worthy of their time. I admire his courage. His sneaky, illegal way of attaining money though...tisk, tisk. Such a Malfoy thing. :D
I loved it, Alison! You are an incredible writer and this fic is amazing.
Wow. You have the charactization of Dumbledore and Snape down perfectly. Everything that they said sounded just like something that JKR would have them say. It was amazing. I am blown away by how perfect it is.
I really like the ways you showed Snape's love for Lily. It seems like a very IC way for Snape to love Lily. I don't normally read Snape/Lily or any Snape-centric fics, really, as I'm not a fan of him, but I think this may have converted me. It was beautiful.
The was a nice touch, not italicizing servant. It's very IC and it shows how much you, as an author, pay attention to details. Readers like authors who pay attention to details.
Severus knew the next seven years with this boy were going to be hell.
I love this last line. It's a great ending to a great story. :D
Good luck in the challenge!
Author's Response: Mere, \r\nHugs to you too. Thank you so much for your lovely words. I am not a Snape fan either, but story just demanded to be written. \r\nI didn\'t italicize servant because I was trying to show Snape being sarcastic in his response. \r\nThe last line was exactly what I thought Snape would have thought when he saw Harry and knew he was going to have to look at him for the next seven years.\r\nThanks again for your wonderful words. \r\nTerri
Meh. I read this chapter and had practically this whole review written in my head only to find that I was no longer logged in. >.< Damn ads.
Anyway, I have one nitpick. Actually two. lol.
The first is actually in your title. The Marauder's Map... In The Wrong Hands! Nice title, I like it actually, but Marauder's is incorrect. It should be Marauders' because the map belongs to all four Marauders not just one. Another teeny-tiny thing about your title... Technically, the second 'the' shouldn't be capitalized. The reason is failing me now, sorry.
And my other nitpick:
In your first paragraph, although it was a nice intro, it's a little confusing.
Harry Potter was sitting on his four-poster bed in the Gryffindor Tower with his friend, Ron Weasley. They were peering over what looked like a piece of old parchment. Harry looked around to see the gentle raising and falling of Dean’s chest as he slept and Neville sleeping peacefully in his bed. Harry muttered something under his breath and tapped the map with his wand. They whispered to each other excitedly, before walking out of the room. An hour later, when they returned, Harry quickly packed the parchment away into the bottom of his trunk. He and Ron got back to their respective beds and slept.
It starts out as a piece of old parchment, it becomes a map, and then it's a piece of parchment again. To someone who wasn't really familiar with HP (which everyone who is reading this story probably is, but still, as an author, you should pretend your readers don't know anything about HP and the wizarding world.) they would probably think you're talking about at least two different things. I think that you should add in a little explination about the map and the parchment being the same thing.
Okay. Nitpicks are done.
Hm. First off, I've read very little in this category. I don't think I've ever actually finished a story before... It's not that I don't have a sense of humor... I actually have a very broad one and tend to laugh when no one else is. >.> Anyway, what I mean to say is that this is unknown territory to me, and I'm a little uncertain about it. Your story was very good; I enjoyed it a lot. :)
Don’t you realise that Harry is the single coolest guy in the WHOLE of Hogwarts right now?
-snorts- I can so see Pavarti saying that... Well, maybe not exactly that, but something a long those lines.
Dean reeled back, struck by her words. She had said his name three times in a row! Oh, so this was what it felt like to be loved back by someone you loved…
ahahaha! I think these are my favorite lines in this chapter. :p
heeheehee. -giggles at Marauders- I liked James's whole rat-dog-werewolf deal, that was clever.
-is intrigued- Who's this?
-has a few guesses-
-or rather one guess-
-is unwilling to tell incase she's wrong-
So.... Draco. -laughs at thought of him and Marauders-
-wonders where this is going-
Author's Response: MERE!
Good thing it was only written in your head, imagine you having typed up all that stuff, and then finding yourslef logged out...
Well,"The Marauder's Map" is how it is in the books. I realize your point, but I think MWPP wanted to make the map for ANY Marauder. The map belongs to a marauder, any marauder. Am I coherent? About the second "the", I guess you are right, I've heard of some rule like that though I don't actually know it... I'll change it!
The first paragraph... You're right, it IS confusing. I'll have to change that also. *muters something about useless editing*
Glad to hear you enjoyed it! Yeah, I guessed Parvati would sya something like that... Someone found that funny! Schmergo suggested that I put in something funny there... And I did!
Thanks for the review, Mere!
Hullo, Bella. –waves-
So, I decided to review your second chapter, because the first chapter has twenty-seven reviews and this one only has nine—a little underappreciated, don’t you think? ;)
Hmm . . . So, I don’t normally read Harry/Ginny, nothing against the pairing, I’m just not fond of them in fanfiction, so this is a little different for me. Also, I don’t think I’ve ever read any AU stories except for, like, Dramione, and they don’t really count, in my opinion, because it’s just the pairing. Um, right. I’ll stop babbling now. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that despite my lack of familiarity with these two genres, I still found the story interesting. It was different enough to really peak my interest and to make me want to know what would happen.
I felt something was a little off in this chapter, and I think its George. You’ve got his humor down, but I don’t think he’d be laughing or making jokes this much. Maybe a little, but I feel like he wouldn’t be laughing at/with his little sister if she’d been missing for almost three years. George may have been laidback and fun, but I think he’s serious about his family, especially since he lost his brother in the war. In my mind, he wouldn’t be laughing and grinning and making sarcastic comments. –shrugs- Maybe you could make him a little more serious and a little more angry.
She really didn’t answer George’s questions at all, did she? I guess we’ll just have to wait to find out the reason she just disappeared. –sigh- I was so looking forward to the answer, too—it’d have to be a good one, considering Ginny’s character and all. She’s not exactly the type I expect to just pack up and vanish, but I suppose given the correct circumstances . . . I guess I’ll just have to keep reading, yeah?
I’m also curious as to why she lied about the father of Lily’s child. I mean, on one hand it makes sense, like she’s trying to move on, and sometimes the easiest way to do that is ignore the past, but on the other hand, it’d be hard to try and forget it all if your child has bright green eyes. Particularly if they’re almond-shaped.
Aww, it’s really sweet and sort of romantic that Ginny wants to talk about everything to Harry first. It shows that she still cares—a lot. And, it adds a lot more mystery to why she left. If she loved—loves—him so much, then why did she run away? Leaving the wizarding world would be tough, as you showed in your pervious chapter, with the typewriter/computer thing and the elevators.
-sigh- If I was Harry, and I’d just found my long-lost true love (and possibly our baby), I don’t think I could wait around and send someone else to talk to them. I would drop everything and run that instant. Although, one could argue that Harry was being thoughtful, and figured she rather talk to a family member than him. But still. I’d prefer to make my long-lost love uncomfortable for a little while and have the joy of being the one to find them, then sit around twiddling my thumbs while wondering how the meeting is going. I guess that’s why Harry is Harry though, and I’m me.
I wondered about your choice of George as being the one to go talk to her, especially when Harry was revealed as the one to find her . . . I mean, why not Ron? I always felt that they were pretty close. And Ron is Harry’s best friend. But, I sort of see the wisdom in that. If it was Ron, there would be lots of yelling. A plethora of yelling. Screaming. Tears. Yeah, it’d be emotional and bad. –shakes head- He’s a little too protective of her.
You know what I would have liked to see a little more of? Actually, there are two things, but they sort of go hand-in-hand, in my opinion. One, description. Maybe describe how George and Ginny have changed in the past few years? Give some details about how Ginny’s flat looks? And two, emotion. Or rather, describe their emotions. Don’t just say “Ginny was mad.” But, rather, add some lines about the way she was feeling. Instead of telling me Ginny had a shocked look on her face, why not say something about she felt like someone had knocked her out with a Beater’s bat? You briefly grazed emotions in about the middle of the story, here:
She felt vulnerable without her wand now that she was finally around another member of the Wizarding world, even if that someone was her brother. [...]The truth was what she had been running from and now that she was being forced to face it, she wasn’t sure she could handle it.
And that was really good, possibly my favourite part of the chapter, but you need more. To me, it feels almost like you’ve written a script for a movie or a play. I know what the characters say, and how they’ve moved, but I don’t know what they look like or what their feeling, things you can see in a movie or a play, but in a story you rely on the author to show it to you. Movies and plays are all well and good, but stories have the ability to actually transport the reader far away, into a life that’s not their own, if they imagine and see everything in their head. It’s hard, I know, but it gets easier with practice. I promise.
-squishes Bine- -waves to Helen-
I'm stuck on my Gauntlet prompt and I need to do my SPEW reviews anyway....so I came to read you guys's fic.
Wow, guys, just wow. That's very powerful. I had the chills like the entire time I was reading it.
A few nitpicks:
It was heartbreaking.
One of you slipped into passive voice here. This is really the only time I noticed it, but you want to make sure that you're using an active voice to keep pumping out that action in the story. Really, all you need to do here to make active voice is change it to something like: 'It broke her heart.'
‘Who is this man?’ she silently asked.
Er...how does she silently ask it and him answer her? Do you mean, perhaps, quietly? Or almost inaubily? Or barely audible?
So she was busy, she didn’t miss him?
Ehh.... I had to read this line a few times to figure out what it meant. To me, it would have made more sense to put the 'so' after the first clause so the sentence would be 'She was busy, so she didn't miss him?'
‘Oh Emil,’ she murmured.
There should be a comma after 'oh.'
...she could already see the ivory painting of the house’s walls.
'Painting' is in the wrong form of the verb. It should be 'paint.'
Mhmm. That's it.
And I had been damned from then on to wander alone...
Ohmy. It's so sad. This line makes me want to hug you two. -hugs Bine and Helen-
She saw a woman sink to her knees, clutching at a body while bending over the dead and crying. The woman’s body rocked with sobs and swayed in grief.
This is where I first got chills.
It was her neighbour’s children. They were still holding hands.
ohmygod. ohmygod. Are you trying to make me cry? I am so close. My eyes are burning.
‘It’s a picture of some people I once knew,’ I sighed, wondering how I could find the words. Viktor looked up at me expectantly. ‘They were very much in love.’
I love that she pretends that it's not her. It makes her pain that much more real, and it becomes that much harder to read.
Pleading eyes met Anna’s when she turned around once more. And while she was shoved into the shelter, the youth stood there, all hope lost, his eyes blank.
I'm speechless. There's so much emotion and it's so strong and powerful. I keep getting more and more chills.
I wished the tale had ended there, that the final chapter had never been written.
I love how poetic this line sounds.
You two are absolutely amazing. I'm not incredibly familiar with with either of your writing styles, but I can't tell where one of stopped writing and the other took over. It feels like one author wrote the entire thing. I'm guessing that one of you wrote the flashback sections and the other one wrote the present sections, just 'cause it makes sense. They fit perfectly together, to be cliche, like pieces of a puzzle. You guys obviously work extremely well together and you've created a masterpiece.
It's so sad. -dabs at eyes- I love how you guys showed her emotions. It was beautiful, in a grief-stricken way.
Little Vikor is so cute. :) He's the perfect little grandson, and Anna's the perfect grandmother. I wish my grandparents would tell me stories like that...
I really liked the Emil, the son, came and that was who Anna finished her story to. I really like that Vikor fell asleep and never heard the end. It shows the innocence of children and how this kind of blanket falls over them, protecting them from the horrors of the real world.
This makes Vikor's comment in DH about his grandfather dying at the hand of Grindlewald, much more meaningful and much more powerful. I'm never going to be able to read that the same way again.
-hugs- This is so extraordinary. You guys should be so proud of yourselves.
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the excellent review!
Mainly Bine wrote the flashbacks and I wrote the other sections. However, we frequently wrote and added sections to the other person's part - blurring the lines a little bit.
Working with Bine was such a great experience! We melded together so well, and I know my writing improved tenfold from the experience!
I'm glad you picked up and liked the subtle things we slotted in there - especially the childhood innocence. You got exactly what I was after.
Thanks picking up the mistakes too. As soon as I get time, I'll be sure to pick them up :)
Thanks again for the review.
*Bine tightly squishes Mere*
Wow, Kelly, just wow. I don't know what Jenna's prompt was, but I have a feeling that involved the infatuation between Dumbledore and Grindelwald.
I don't have any nitpicks. Your writing is nearly flawless and I bet (having never worked with her) Suya is a stellar beta.
Your mind attempts to fabricate a reason that involves caring for all magical beings, but it eventually simplifies itself. You love her.
Oh, Kelly, this is just... Amazing. Beautiful.
You did, after all, manage to miss out on one of the greatest adventures of your life due to unfortunate circumstances.
Aww... I feel so bad for Dumbledore. =(
I don't know why (it must just be the magic of your writing), but I really love these three lines. I just felt so in the moment. I love the simplicity of them, too. It seems like a small, trivial thing, but it really just made that scene in the story.
Before I read your piece, I'd always kind of pitied Aberforth. I mean, strange as he was, I could see some sense in his accusations against Dumbledore (I can't bring myself to call him Albus >.>), but your story, and these lines especially:
Aberforth yells at you for this, too. He thinks that you’re abandoning the family.
kind of made me re-think it a little bit. Now, I feel bad on Dumbledore's behalf, and feel sort of irritated with Aberforth. I really like that your story made me think like that. I love when a story offers a different perspective on something you'd already formed opinions on and the story makes you re-think that opinion.
In your heart of hearts
I like this phrase. The image is beautiful.
You are caught in what feels like a hangman’s noose, only the hangman is the family that you love.
Gah. Kelly, you are just simply fantastic. The imagery in that is just fantastic, your diction is phenomenal, the emotion is so strong, it's just.... Indescribable.
Between the two of you, there is more intelligence (you say this somewhat humbly, though not really) than in most of the staff in Hogwarts and Durmstrang combined.
teehee. The parenthesis made me giggle. ;)
Not only because you selfishly wish that you could escape, but because you loved her.
I love that little 'only' stuck in there. It changes the whole meaning of the sentence and makes it much, much, much more real. It shows the big-headedness and almost naïveness of the young Dumbledore, juxtapose with the selflessness and compassion and wiseness of the old Dumbledore. -loves-
But who loves you?
My heart just broke, Kelly.
Ariana might love you, you think with a smile.
Awww.... That's so sad and sweet.
What’s the point, you think, of being immortal if no one loves you?
There would be nothing, no one, for you to live for. And you would live forever.
Forever would be an awfully long time without returned love.
There's a lump in my throat, and my eyes are burning.
And not to completely ruin the mood, but I love how you put each of those sentences on three different lines.
You give so much to life, and it gives you so little in return.
Oh, man. I so know how he feels. -throws a pity party for herself and Dumbly- ;)
If he loved you, the world, despite its glaring troubles, might be a little easier to bear.
Oh, where to start!
Kelly, you are a master at subtle tragedy. The heartbreaking bits beautifully woven into his routine in the beginning of the story and then the end is just... Well, you know.
I love your use of second person. I haven't read much in second person (other that textbooks and bad essays and such), so this was refreshing. I'm can't pull off second person, and this has just confirmed that. You write in it so well and so comfortably; it makes me want to find every attempt I've ever made at second person and throw it into the fire. >.>
I really like Dumbledore's musing about love and life. They're so sad and true (and very IC, too). I like your reasoning behind his infatuation with Grindelwald - how he's just so happy to have company besides his 'magical invalid' sister and resenting brother, that he doesn't really stop and think about the person as a person, like who they really are and what they really want in an ideal world.
I could go on and on about all the fabulous things about this story and your writing, but my family is rather impatient. >.<
Love you, hon.
Author's Response: Um, wow, Mere! Your review is incredible. What a New Year's gift! And, yes, you're right - Suya is one of the best betas I could ever ask for. She just...understands and gets everything. Wonderful, wonderful person, too. As for the diction, I have experimented with line breaks/incomplete sentences in several of my stories. However, I think that they worked out the best in this one. I'm glad that you liked how it turned out - I've always found that those are the most powerful way to get a message across. This was also my second attempt at second person (hehe - that sounds kind of funny) - so, you shouldn't give up on it! It's a very underappreciated tense that works very well in certain situations. Again, thank you so very much for your absolutely fantastic review.
Hey, Carole. =) So, I know this is the chapter with the most reviews, but I don't care, I'm going to review it anyway, and hopefully I'll make my way to the rest of the chapters. ;)
A few nitpicks:
He had hung no pictures on the wall, but above the sofa he’d stuck a large photo of himself and his friends.
Er, well, you contradicted yourself in this sentence and it was a little confusing. I think that if you added in the word 'for' after 'but' it would make more sense or if you put 'save for' or 'except for' in place of the 'but.'
Juggling three potatoes in his hand...
Hm... I was confused by 'juggling' - I thought he was literally juggling them until I kept reading. Perhaps 'balancing' instead?
‘Lumos,’ he whispered
Er, this is weird, because 'lumos' only has one quotation mark and the rest of your dialogue uses two. And, 'lumos' should be italicized because it's a spell.
In her hand she clutched a faded Gryffindor T-shirt.
“He didn’t do it,” she sobbed. “He would never have betrayed them.”
This is just a small formatting error. They really bug me, so I always point them out, 'cause they disrupt the flow of the story. >.> Anyway, yeah, you just need to hit enter after the first sentence, obviously.
I had something else.... Eh, can't think of it. >.>
Sirius snorted; he was pleased little girls grew up.
LOL. I love that you love him, Carole. :)
“It changes colour when I get too excited- it’s quite naughty.”
But Bellatrix had always had a darker side - darker even than black - lurking in her eyes, a darkness that repelled Sirius.
Ooh, this line is brilliant. =) I'm guessing that it's foreshadowing a little - while the rest of the story is a romance, it's still set during the first war, and consequently going to have a darker side to it, no?
She smiled a wide smile that split her face in two, reached inside him and wrung out his heart.
Awww. How sweet. Little kids are the best.
“Is it a baddie?” she said, her eyes widening like saucers.
hahahahahahaha. I almost died here.
“Fully dressed, I see, so it can’t be a woman.”
I don't have any words. I don't really think I need them. You probably understand. ~_^
It won’t hurt him will it?
I love how he automatically assumes it's a boy. >.>
“It might be a her,” exclaimed Tonks. “You keep saying it’s a boy. How do you know?”
And I love even more how Tonks is right there, shutting him down.
“Hello,” he said almost formally. “You must be Sirius’ wife.”
Tonks frowned at him “Are you Moony or Wormtail?” she demanded.
“M-Moony!” he said in surprise.
“That’s a really uncool nick-name,” she said, looking him straight in the eye. “Why did you choose it?”
He laughed loudly. “You must be a relative of his. Only Sirius is ever that rude to people.”
Oh, Merlin, I can't breathe.
As she spoke her hair suddenly changed from dark red to an icy blue.
I do love little kids. :) And not just for their adorable, excuse me, brillantness, but because of their innocence and their excellent judge of people. I wish we could preserve that in all people as we grow up. -sigh- The world is so much simpler when you're younger, and everything is black and white.
“Moony, here, was out all night dancing at a club. You wouldn’t think it to look at him but he’s a huge hit on the dance-floor.”
lol, yes, I could just see Remus out there dancing with every girl. =P
“She’s up the duff, mate,” said Sirius crudely.
LMAO. I assume this is British slang for 'knocked up' and ha. That's so Sirius. =D
First off, your characterization in general is perfect. Especially of Sirius, but, how could it not be? ~_^ And James extreme protectiveness of Lily, hee, and Lily's confident, tough Lily-ness, and Remus was a good Remus. I read a lot of Marauder Era fics, and Remus is always seems a bit - duller and more bookish than I imagine him, and the way you protray him, he's got personality and seems...alive. :) I disagree with your characterization of Narcissa, but I don't really think that many people do agree on her. >.> You wrote you idea of her very well, as well. :)
I'm pretty intrigued as to where this is going. It's a Remus/Tonks fic, and you've shown a little bit of it, but it seems to be more geared towards Tonks and Sirius's relationship.....
I guess I'll just have to read on! =)
Very nice job, Carole. I'm impressed.
Author's Response: Hey Mere, Thanks for the review. I shall certainly look at the nit-picks. Juggling, though. I had it in my head that he was literally juggling the potatoes - kind of a party trick. I'm very pleased you like the characterisations of the Marauders, especially Remus, as this fic is primarily about him and Tonks. I shall have to talk to you about Narcissa; I have a theme running through about how Metamorphamagi are perceived by the wizarding world and Narcissa's opinion - especially as she was pregnant at the time and likely to be all hormonal - was to set this up. She's about to feature in a future chapter so I think I'll pick your brains.
I hope you get to read the rest of this as I value your insights. There is more Sirius to come, but at the moment (and Chapter 6 is up there) he's still locked up in Azkaban. *sob*
Thanks again. I do love Badgers! Carole xxx
Awww, Kat, that was so sweet!
I have two small nitpicks:
Before Draco had the opportunity to think of a curse, Blaise bounded around Astoria, flying onto Draco with all the force he could muster.
I don't really feel that the word "bounded" suits the mood. To me, bounded means happy, excited, eager, etc. The mood at that moment is more serious and painful and harsh. Maybe "lept" or "jumped" or even just "stepped".
All right, the second one is that in the beginning, Blaise spoke of Asotria as "his best friend's girl." But, later, when Draco catches up to them, their confrontation isn't very, well, best friend-y. I know it's Blaise and Draco, but I still think that a best friend would give more chance for an explanation, instead of jumping straight to violence, but that's just my opinion.
Bouncing his eyes from one stone to the next...
I love how you phrased this!
It was like some sick obsession he had with his best friend’s girl.
I really like this line. I love how you said it, it's so blod and powerful. And, lately, I've been more and more into love triangles and such, so it just really struck a chord with me, so to speak.
He took a long pull from his drink, allowing the burn in his throat to stifle the ache in his chest, and finished the liquid.
Aww. I just want to give him a hug.
Nothing appealed to him now, except for the warm hand woven with his.
No one could mistake the light blonde hair and content sneer that frequented Draco Malfoy’s lips.
-glares at Draco- Why does he half to come and ruin the moment? What a buzz kill.
His eyes were still mutinous as they stared tauntingly into Blaise’s; he could feel the world around him fading as their eyes remained locked. Astoria kept on uttering pleading words, but nothing was going to stop either of them now.
Ohmy. I can just see this. Blaise and Draco standing surrounded by people, but their blurry and so are all the building around them. I can hear Astoria pleading faintly, but I can't see her. All I see is the faces of Blaise and Draco and their intentions. It's amazing.
“We don’ wan’ no non magic folk seein’ a bunch o’ nutters beatin’ each other up outside our own place. Now, get inside,” the long forgotten voice of Rubeus Hagrid growled.
OHMIGODSQUEE! HAGRID! -loves-
Sorry, I just had to get that out. :P
Walking through the heavy crowd, he this time relished in the pandemonium. It was refreshing not being able to hear his own thoughts and memories as the worries and lives of others brushed him here and there across the sidewalk.
These two lines made me shiver. They're so beautiful and sad.
"Please, I didn’t want the day to end like this.”
“Like what?” he replied in monotone.
“With you walking away from me.”
“I guess the roles have been reversed.”
I love this exchange. Especially the lack of dialogue tags on the last two lines. It's so powerful and moving. I really feel for Blaise.
The soft press of her lips on his stubbly cheek caused his heart to thud for a few brief seconds, and then his body was flooded with relief.
This was goodbye.
Aww! -sniffs- My eyes are burning. It's so wonderfully sad and sweet.
Random thoughts -->
I was very happy to stumble across this. :) I've always loved Blaise; he's such a fascinating character. And recently, Draco/Astoria has grown on me. I saw the summary, and I had to read it. :D
This is the first thing I've read of yours, and it definitely won't be the last. I love your style. This one-shot is exactly the type of one-shot I adore. It's short and brief, simply capturing one, life-changing moment in time. -sighs-
You are a witch (I mean that in a magical sense, not a substitute for swear word sense) with description. It really is stunning. It’s like I’m watching a movie – no it’s better than that, it’s like I’m actually there, just watching everything. It’s brilliant. You’re brilliant.
I really enjoyed this, Kat. You’re a very talented writer.
Author's Response: Uh, you rock. This was quite possibly one of my favorite reviews EVER. I've always had a soft spot for Blaise, I don't know why at all, but I have. I actually wrote a one shot based on the same triangle-- it's in my long-forgotten thread in the Three Broomsticks xD I agree that bounded doesn't really fit there, thanks for pointing that out. AND I'm glad you're a fan of my description :] Something I get lost in it though and forget my characters, but what can you do? LOL. See, I think I'm going to write a prequel to this. Perhaps when Astoria leaves Blaise? I feel like there is so much I assumed that readers would catch onto because I have this all thought out in my head *rolls eyes* The way I saw it was that Blaise and Draco *were* best friends until the little girlfriend switch occurred, and Blaise got angry. So, when Blaise saw him, not only was there animosity, but also there was a bit of guilt/sadness and he didn't know how to react. Yeah >.> Prequel is slightly necessary. GAHTHANKS for the lubly review :D It totally made my day.