Hi. I'm Mere. I disappear and reappear every now and then, but it mostly all comes down to the fact that I do love to write and I do love Harry Potter.
My OTP is James/Lily, but I have a tendency to ship them with other characters. Lily Evans is my favourite character and I absolutely adore writing her.
If you'd like to know more about me, please visit my livejournal. :)
this is really good. poor sirius. i like how you worked everything in like him daring snape to go under the whomping willow and snape's worst memory. keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Yep, I\'m keeping it canon. (I can\'t say what\'ll happen in the future, though *cue evil laugh*) Thanks for the review!
very well written and interesting. cant wait for the next chapter!!
Author's Response: Thanks very much. Next chapter\'s about to go into the queue! xx
Wow! I just read through this whole thing and wow. It's so funny and real. I couldn't stop laughing the entire time, but it wasn't like stupid humour, it was actual humour--you know what I'm saying? Probably not, but whatever. I love your depictions of all the charactes, particularly James. haha. He's definitley my favourite anyway, but you take him to a whole new level. :D
-cries- Only one chapter!?
Wonderful story. I haven't been feeling to well lately, and this brought me right up. Thanks!
Author's Response: Tell me about it. I've had the most irritating cough ever known to man for the past fortnight and it's not going away! I'm really glad you found it actually funny instead of stupidly funny, because that's definitely what I aim for in my writing! Hooray! Thanks for the great review!
Mavis! -hugs- This is my slow start at an attempt to pay you back for being an amazing beta.
I have one little nitpick-y thing here:
When Albus and Malfoy joined their respective Quidditch teams later, he and the other Gryffindor Quidditch players (which included my brother, and Albus’ brother and sister) were at times mocked by the Slytherin Quidditch team.
This sentence was kind of hard for me to follow. I think that it was mostly because you mentioned Lily and Hugo in it and I was like 'Wha--? They're younger... OH! She seems in the future.' So maybe you could clear that up a bit.
That slap, knowing James, was probably not very gentle.
ahahahaha. I really like how you sneak a bit of James's characterization here.
Ravenclaw! It hadn’t occurred to me that I might be Sorted into this house.
She's not incredibly smart or anything. And the hat didn't consider putting her mum in their. -rolls eyes at Rose- I really like the way you snuck in a little bit of Hermione that shone through in Rose.
He quite suddenly entered my world, and it was unknown whether he was to stay…
You know, this would have been a fine ending all on it's own. But I love the last line too. lol. You give us a little bit of cliffie here...
It was also the year my world was turned upside down.
And then it's BANG! Big cliffie here. -pouts-
-then realises you have the next chapter up-
I really like how you start out with Malfoy being sorted. It sets the scene for the rest of the prolouge, and I guess the rest of the story. ;) I also like the nervousness about being sorted. It was really cute.
That whole exchange between Albus and Rose about Albus being cunning was hilarous and adorable too. lol. It made me just want to give Albus a hug and then walk away and laugh at him behind his back. lol. Do I sound evil or what?
Oh! I also really liked Neville being the Meet-And-Greet-the-First-Years Professor. :) And I wanted to say that I am incredibly impressed with your ability to make up names. lol. I hate doing it, personally, and I always get worried that the end sounding extremely ridiculous. All of your names sounded quite real and like actual people.
Overall, it was a really interestring and intriguing prolouge!
Great job, kid!
Ohmygod, Mia. I've been meaning to read this for a long time now, and I finally got around to it. You can't see me, but if you could, you'd know how much this story touched me. I can't express it with words.
Mia, I'm crying.
Author's Response: Hey Mere! So, this is almost two years too late, but thank you! Simply, thank you.
I almost don't believe you when you say this is your first fanfic. It's incredible. Wow. I don't have much to say other than that. I love the emotion in it. I love how you describe Remus, it's like he's a shadow of a man, not really there, just going through his days in an empty routine.
Remus had stared.
Sirius had noticed.
I love this part. I love the way it builds up to it and I really like how you seperated them into two different paragraphs. It shows the importance of it and time seems to freeze just then.
Hullo, Mar! –squishes SPEW buddy-
This is very short, but very sweet. =) I like how there’s a darker side to it, with them waiting for someone connected to the war, but that darker side is just that—a side of the story. It’s a shade, a layer, a small part that makes it wonderful, but it’s not the focus of the story. We really don’t know who Audrey is waiting for or why she’s waiting for them, but we don’t need to know that. All we need to know is that she is waiting for someone who could kill her and Percy is with her. There are so many layers to this story—it’s brilliant.
I don’t know anything about Audrey, other than that I can never remember if her name is Audrey or Aubrey, and that she marries Percy. I like the character you’ve made her out to be though. She seems to be exactly what Percy needs, someone strong and real, someone who will set him straight. Her speech was actually very moving—I had chills running up and down my arms. I like what she was saying, about how it was everyone’s war and anyone could fight it, because everyone deserved the peaceful world. It’s more than just the way she said, but the idea that she was conveying—it’s very powerful.
I don’t like Percy. (Who does?) But, I sort of like your Percy. Your characterization of him is pretty good; I expected him to be a little more pompous and full of himself. Although, you could argue that the war has taken a toll on him, and that’s the affect that Audrey has had on him. In that case, my admiration of Audrey just went up like a hundred percent. She made Percy, Percy—proud, ambitious, git—act like a human, nervous and uncertain.
She flashed him a quick but warm smile and then resumed her task of watching and waiting. There should be a pair of commas around ‘but warm’.
The dialouge at the end was dynamic. I think that it was made so much more deep and moving because they weren’t actually saying it. They were talking about how they felt about each other, but neither of them came out and said it. They used lighter words, but, in my opinion, that had the opposite effect. It made the conversation much heavier. To a less perceptible person, it might appear that they were just talking about their friendship, or just that night, but if look into it, there’s so much more. Again, all the different layers of this story are amazing.
So, I’m curious—what was your prompt? Hope? Trust?
I like the recurring themes of both throughout the story, and the way it ties into Percy and Audrey’s relationship. It makes me think that a significant other—or at least the one you fall in love with should inspire both. You should trust them just because you do. They shouldn’t have to prove themselves; all you know is that you trust them, and maybe a little bit more. As for hope—well, they should encourage it, almost be your source of it. They way Percy feels more optimistic about the war, about his life, because of Audrey. I find it really inspiring the way you’ve portrayed both of them (hope, trust) in a relationship.
Mar, this story was sweet and lovely and contains so much depth at second glance. It’s a beautiful LoveNote. :)
Brittany! -tackles lovely SPEW buddy-
Wow. What a fantasically awesome piece.
First, though, some little nitpicks:
It was really the only thing that still managed to surprise Remus.
What was the only thing that managed to surprise Remus? The Whomping Willow? I thought that it was familiar with the routine? How could it be familiar but surprising? Or was it Madame Pomfrey stopping it? Sorry, that was just a little unclear to me.
Never really knowing, only hearing about the great fun the four of them had.
I love this line. I really do, but if it's the first time James, Sirius, and Peter are joining him, how does he know that they're going to have a lot of fun? Maybe something that hints at vague memories or him questioning his friends about what happened.
Remus had gotten lost in his thoughts again, losing track precious.
Err... This line doesn't make sense. Did you mean to put 'losing track of precious time'? Or is something else precious?
Mounted with the pressure of the full moon, it only agonized him more to think of the probability of those things happening.
This line is so beautiful. It made my eyes burn.
His opinion distorted, it would always be a curse, a reminder of the tortured howls he emitted, the self-inflicted wounds.
Aww.... -huggles Remus-
The first time he had traveled this way, he had been half out of his mind with the terror that clutched his heart.
I want to hug you because of this line. -hugs-
Maybe…but before Remus could finish his thought it was lost forever, trapped in a corner of his mind, never to be retrieved.
-is speechless- This line is so powerful and heart-wrenching.
Some random thoughts -->
Are you a werewolf, hon? I mean, seriously, Britt, this piece was just so maginificent, so powerful, so emotional, so in tune with what Remus would be thinking. It's really beautiful too. You have a wonderful way with words, even your prose seems like poetry.
Remus is perfect. He would be concerned about hurting someone, hurting one of his friends, his friends getting caught, etc. And he would think deep, dark, complex thoughts on his way to transformation.
I love the way you describe the transformation. It's so accurate and believable. Almost makes me think that werewolves are real. ;) I also love the way you introduced the rest of the Marauders and how Remus reacts to them. It's wonderful.
Well, you had a blast writing this piece and I had a blast reviewing it. :D
Amazing, strong, powerful, stunning story.
I just have a few nitpicky things that I want to get out of the way first.
...No has been the cause of countless quarrels, debates, conspiracies, and theories – almost as many as the word Yes.
This isn't really necessary or anything, but I thought I'd mention it. If you put quotes around the words 'No' and 'Yes' (like such) it would add more emphasis to them and make them stand out a bit more. Also, I think there may be a rule about putting little quote marks around words that you're talking about... But I may be making that up. lol.
The book was entitled A Monotonous Study of Life...
Any title needs to be recognized as a title in some way. As this is a book title, it needs to be underlined or italized.
Also, I suggest that you add an Alternate Universe warning to this fic. Now, this may be pre-mature since I've only read one chapter, but from this one, to me, it sounds like an AU warning is needed. Mostly because of this sentences:
That creepy Severus kid had been there. He read way too much science fiction. But then again, what if he had been right? He had seemed so … sincere.
We pretty much know from A Prince's Tale in DH, that Lily belived Snape and was friends with him.
One last nitpick:
When you have a scene change I suggest putting a star (*) or a horizontal line or a dash (-) or a squiggley (~) or something, just to make it clear to the reader that time's passed or something is changing. I noticed a rough change here:
Without removing her muddy shoes, Lily collapsed on the bed and blanked out.
When Lily woke, it was bright; the sun was directly overhead.
That's all my nitpicks.
I really love how you started this fic off. It was great, with a brief discussion of the word 'No.' I like what she was saying 'no' to, as well. This being a Lily-fic, I half-expected it to be her saying no to James's asking her out. But, what you did was really creative and made Lily seem like a very believable, very normal eleven-year-old.
However, this soon became a boring pastime as well, and at the moment Lily was very much in the mood for some bacon.
ahahaha. I often get random cravings too. haha. Although, it's never for bacon (I'm vegetarian), I can still relate to Lily.
The thought was of running away.
The number of times I've thought of running away is... way too many to count. lol. I was about eleven every time those thoughts ran through my heads, too. Great characterization of an eleven-year-old!
I also really liked that you ended the chapter with 'Yes.' After staring the chapter with 'No' it fits that you end it with 'Yes.'
Author's Response: Thanks so much, Mere. I'll get right on those corrections. Your critique is superb, and greatly appreciated.
Avery! -squishes again-
My one nitpick:
Okay, now I'm confused. Snape went from being the creepy boy who lived down the street to the boy Lily wanted to talk to the entire chapter. Maybe you clear it up little in either the first chapter or this chapter?
Okay, that's over. :)
I'm impressed, you managed to skip the entire train ride and the Sorting Hat's song. Lucky you! They can be real killers to write.
The girl in the reflection looked frightened, and Lily decided that she would not be like her.
I like this. I don't know what it is about it, but it really stood out to me. I like the way you showed Lily's feelings and thoughts without actually saying them.
I’ve heard that Hufflepuff is the way to go...
-cackles- I love the plug for Hufflepuff! -huggles-
I love the way you describe the food. I've always loved books that list/describe the food. -huggles JKR-
I also love the way you introduced the Whomping Willow. Dumbledore seemed very IC in it and it was a good way to describe it without telling why it was actually there.
And when Lily Evans finally lifted her eyes, she was looking into Petunia’s.
Ooo. Cliffie. I'm interested in seeing where this is going.
Great chapeter, love.
Author's Response: Wow, your critique was the best! It really made my week, let alone day. It showed me how much I have to work on. Hopefully the Snape thing will clear up in the 4th chapter, and if I can't fit it in I'll go back and edit on of the first two. I'm glad you liked it, because us Hufflepuffs have got to stick together. :) You can't imagine how long I waited on tenderhooks for your (or any other Hufflepuffs) reveiws. Thanks a million!
Rose was a Weasley. She never gave Scorpius Malfoy a second glance. They were sworn enemies, even though they’d barely even spoken to each other. But sometimes all it takes for love to blossom is a Potions lesson, a few snide remarks and a dropped book.
Two people. Two entirely different worlds that are suddenly intertwined.
Hi, Jen! Great chapter!
Rose smiled at her cousin sympathetically as Albus moved tables to work with the Slytherin boy who was about a metre taller than him.
You misspelled "meter" in this sentance.
Also, despite the seemingly permanent smirk, he seemed friendlier.
You used two different forms of "seem" in one sentance. There isn't really a problem with it, just I think that it would flow better if you changed one. For example, it could read, "Also, depsite the apparently permanent smirk, he seemed friendlier." Or you could say, "Also, despite the seemlingly pernanent smirk, he looked friendlier."
‘Pride and Prejudice?’ he asked as she stuffed the worn paperback into her bag. Rose went even redder, and muttered defensively, ‘It’s a good book!’
When a different person speaks, there should be a new paragraph. "Rose went even redder, and muttered defensively,'It's a good book!'" should be its own paragraph.
Okay, that's all my nitpicky stuff. lol.
Rose chucked the crust of her toast at him.
I love the word "chuck." Brownie points to you for using it. :) I'll probably point out everytime you use it, just 'cause I adore that word. haha. I also just like this line. It made me laugh.
Rose often felt sorry for Fred and his sixteen-year-old sister Roxanne, who both had to be taught by their mother.
I know how Fred and Roxie feel! *groans* Well, not yet, but I will. My mom is going to be my English teacher. *hits head on desk*
I like how you used this line to show how Roxie and Fred are related and who George married. It's very creative.
‘You heard me. Over there with Scorpius, m’dear.’ Slughorn shooed her over to a corner and continued his list.
Poor Slughorn. Everything happens when he decides to switch partners around. haha. Good job with characterizing him too.
Is Scorpious in the Slug Club too? Just wondering.
...even though her ears were going red.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE how you gave her this trait of Ron's. It just makes it so much more believable that she is Ron's daughter.
‘I know it is,’ Scorpius said. ‘I’ve read it.’
I like how Scorpius has read Pride and Prejudice, it makes him seem appear like a much nicer and more tolerant person than his dear old Daddy.
What was the big deal?
It's not a big deal, Rose. You're just falling in love with a Malfoy. haha. Sorry, I had a sudden impluse to answer that.
I like the ending, with all the swearing to Merlin stuff. haha.
Author's Response: Wow, what an amazing review, Mere. Thank you so much. I will fix the nitpicks you pointed out, but \'meter\' is the American spelling, and I\'m not American. :] \'Metre\' is the British spelling. I\'m really glad you\'re enjoying it, though! *hugs* Jen
*hits head on desk*
Sorry, Jen, you didn't spell "metre" wrong. I'm American and so's my dictionary. I just realized that it was probably British, so I dictionary.com-ed it, and it was. Sorry, love. My bad.
Author's Response: I responded to the other review before I read this one. >.< Thanks anyway, hun. :]
Hey, Jen! Your story was soo good, I just couldn't stay away. :]
Rose was a little nervous, but she had gotten used to it after four years of playing Quidditch.
Rose is a fifth year, right? When I read this it sounded like you meant that she's been playing Quidditch during her entire Hogwart's career. If that's what you meant, then... well, it shouldn't be what you meant. Harry was on the team his first year, yes, but he was the first in a century. I doubt his niece would be a first year on the team too.
She hadn’t realised they had that high a score, but she needed to find the Snitch to secure their win.
The word "of" should be between "high" and "a". I think the second part of the sentance would make more sense if you said "...but she still needed..."
Ehh... I hate to say this, but right now Rose seems like a Mary-Sue. I hope that we'll see some of her faults soon.
That's all of my nitpicks!
It wasn’t a cliché. It was fate.
I meant to comment on this earlier. I love that line. It really pulled me into the story.
'We can’t afford to lose this one, you know.’
Wow. That's encouraging. /sarcasm
Actually, I think that's brilliant. That's exactly what a friend/cousin would say.
She could hear Craig Jordan, one of James’s friends, doing the commentary.
I love that you made Lee Jordan's son the commenator and that you gave him a little of Lee's personality. Just don't forget to have someone yelling at him like McGonagall did his father. haha.
...her golden-brown hair almost suffocating Rose.
I love the picture I get from this. Yay for details!
Rose found herself thinking how easy it was to fool everyone with this, but then she caught herself.
Isn't awful when our thoughts betray us? This is the first time I really felt myself relating to Rose. It's great. I love how these thoughts continue all the through the rest of the chapter.
The voice was right - she fancied Scorpius Malfoy.
Those little voices are always right. This line is a good ending. A little cliffie, to keep us begging for more, but it summed up the chapter nicely.
I love the beginning where Rose and Scorpius would steal looks at each other and stuff. It really shows their relationship well.
Author's Response: Thanks again, Mere! I\'ll get around to fixing those nitpicks soon. :] And I know what you\'re saying about the Mary-Sue, I\'ve heard it from a few people now. But I kind of wanted people to see Rose like that to start with. She had this seemingly perfect life, but then Scorpius brings out a whole other side to her personality. Keep reading and you\'ll see what I mean. :] Jen xoxo
Hello, Jen (agian!) I really can't stay away from your story. It's addicting. lol.
... and her heart was beating so fast she wouldn’t have been surprised if her friends could hear it.
You used this almost exact phrase in the last chapter. Not that there's anything wrong with that really, just that you might want to vary it up a bit. I would suggest using words like thumping, erratic, wildly, sporadically, unevenly, quickly, etc.
...and all four of them turned to see their Aunt Angelina.
This doesn't make sense. Anna isn't related to the Weasleys and George wouldn't marry his aunt. Instead you could say, "...and all four of them turned to see Rose and Albus's Aunt Angelina.
Done nitpicking, now on the fun stuff! lol.
...making her heart skip a beat and her brain whirl with excitement.
I love this description. I can clearly see that in my head.
He would never want to date her in a million years...
Then why does he keep staring at you, Rose? meheh. I love how you do this. Rose will think a thought that is perfectly normal and it makes sense that she would be thinking it, but we, the readers, know better. Like, in this case, we know that Scorpius wants likes her and wants to date her. I like reacting to these thoughts, and later I can just be like, "See! I told you so!" (Yes... I talk to your story. haha.)
When Rose woke up, I first thought that you were going to have Scorpius meet her. I am so glad you didn't. The way you did it was much better. :D I like her imagining the scene though, and the line about the romantic fairytale.
Rose knew roughly where the Slytherin Common Room was, and she looked there now, wondering whether, if she stared hard enough, she would be able to see him in his bed.
What?!? All that pranking and she doesn't know where the Slytherin Common Room is?? Who does she pull pranks on? lol. Maybe I've read one too many MWPP stories with the Marauders going in the Slytherin common room.
I like the bit about her staring hard and being able to see Scorpius in bed. haha. Of course, my dirty mind got to where she got a little faster. haha.
I love the conversation between Rose and Molly. It shows just how many Weasleys there actually are. And it shows what kind of person Rose is. It was fun to read too.
Albus didn’t say anything, and instead took a swig of his Butterbeer.
Do I smell an Anna/Albus thing happening here?
Aww... poor Scorpius. He would have a rough childhood. I think you explained it nicely. I'm glad he doesn't use his misfortune as an exuse to treat other people badly. *cough*Draco*cough*
AWW! The ending was really sweet.
I LOVE the way you write. I'm so insanely jealous of it actually. heheheh. Joking, joking... maybe. Anyway, I could see everything perfectly in my head. It was like I was watching a movie. I always knew exactly where everyone was and what the were doing. It was great!
*sigh* I've reached the end of all the chapters you've submitted. Which is good, my Bio lab is calling. x/ I can't wait for more!
Author's Response: Another amazing review. Have you ever considered applying for SPEW, dear? :] I\'m in a hurry now, but thank you again, and I will fix the nitpicks soon. Every single one of your comments makes me smile, even the one about you having a dirty mind. Just wait \'til chapter eight, love. ;) As for Anna/Albus, you\'ll have to wait and see. It\'s a possibilty, isn\'t it? *hugs*
JEN! *squishes* You updated! Yay!
There was one formatting error that I noticed:
‘I have to talk to you, Al,’ Rose said, sitting down cross-legged on the end of his bed. ‘Alone.’
The last part of this was said with an obvious stare at Ben. He didn’t seem to notice, and simply flashed Rose a grin.
I think you hit 'enter' three times after the first sentence instead of just twice. :)
Rose span around in surprise.
Um... I think you meant "spun." I looked up span and it basically means to 1) measure with the hands, 2) to encircle with the hands, 3) to extend over, or 4) to provide with something that extends over.
No more nitpicks. :)
...and I don’t quite fancy having James Potter find out what I’m doing with his baby cousin.’
Don't worry Rose, I laughed too. ;)
James would kill Scorpius if he discovered them, as would Fred, Albus, Hugo, her dad, most of her uncles (if not all), her grandfather, and probably Roxanne too.
I laughed here too. All these males and then Roxanne. teehee.
‘When everything is going wrong, laugh. The world seems a lot better when you’re smiling.’
This is a very grandmother-ly thing to say. It's also a very wise and nice sentiment. I like it.
Unfortunately for Rose, Benjamin Parsons was also in there, doing his homework.
I like how you have Ben cropping up for a few lines every chapter. So many fanfiction authors don't have any minor characters, it's either a major character or the character isn't there at all. Good job in keeping the minor characters alive!
At least it’s not Parsons—
I agree Albus, he is annoying. :p
I’m great, Winky
WINKY!! :D I love her (well, all house-elfs really)! I'm glad that she's moved on and is now a happy house-elf.
'You’re so beautiful,’ he murmured.
Aww. This whole paragraph was really sweet and cute and nice. It made me want to have a boyfriend to hold me like that.
I just don’t know if I can ruin their Christmas like that.
Ouch! She is right though... The Weasley's and the Potter's are just as prejudice, if not more, than the Malfoy's. -sighs sadly- 'Tis the story of the world. 'It's okay if I'm prejudice because I'm only prejudice against the bad guys and everyone associated with them.' >.< Grr.
Okay. Sorry. Back to your story (which is excellent, by the way).
It did strike her as a little hypocritical of him to not want his family to know, but Rose decided to let it slide for the time being.
I do understand him though. The Weasley/Potter clan will probably be a lot more accepting and welcoming than the Malfoys, once they get over that inital shock.
‘Yeah, I remember Dad mentioning it once,’ Scorpius said.
In a story that included flying mud? heeheehee.
After waking up the Fat Lady...
Didn't Mrs. Weasley say something about coming back late from a date? Like mother, like daughter.
Great chapter! I can't wait for the next one!
Author's Response: Aw! Thanks, Mere! Your comments all made me smile. I love reviews like this. I\'ll fix the nitpicks as soon as I get some spare time. *hugs* Thanks again!
I just wanted to tell you that I spent the past two nights reading this and it's utterly fantastic and completely wonderful. ♥ I'm sososososo proud of you for completing it. You're truly talented and I hope you never stop writing, ever, and I hope that I'll always be able to enjoy it. :) *hugs*
Love you lots,
Jen! -squishes- I can't believe how long it's taken me to read this. :o
Itty bitty nitpickies:
Rose had never quite mastered the use of household spells.
And she shouldn't be using them if she's not seventeen yet. Maybe say something like 'She'd have to get someone else to clean it or she'd end up doing it Muggle-style.'
At that moment, all she wanted was Scorpius’s words, not his gifts.
There's only one gift.
As he turned away, Rose muttered under her breath, ‘Sleep well tonight, Potter.’
meheheheh. I would have loved it if there was a thought or two about what she was going to do to him. :)
Hagrid came to the Burrow for lunch, and left a few hours later, but not before he had drank far too much and broken two chairs.
-giggles- I love this line.
You have no idea how much it will help me, when I’m miles away from everyone who gives a damn about me. And when I think about it, there’s only you who does.
Aww. Poor Scorpius. I want to hug him.
She unwrapped it carefully, trying not to rip the paper, like she always did.
-smiles- I do this too.
I thought your copy looked a little worn.
I like them worn! It makes them feel loved and it just adds to the whole reading experience. I like new books too though...
‘I won’t want to go to your wedding, if you’re marrying him!’
OH. MY. GOD. I was so not expecting that. Damn. I...I'm at a loss for words. I really can't believe he said that. I mean, it's Ron, but still.... What an arse.
Some Random thoughts -->
I'm very impressed. I think this is your best chapter yet. It's definitely my favourite, even though there's tactless!Ron. ;) Your writing has gotten a lot more vivid as the story goes on and I can really see everything playing out in my head. I like the little details like Rose ruffling Lucy's hair and James carrying Lucy on his shoulders and then dumping her on the bed and such. They really make this chapter.
The beginning was great. It just felt incredibly chaotic and busy; I could imagine a bunch of people running around trying to prep for a big holiday meal. I also like how you explained about the additions to the house.
Fred in the conversation over dinner was hilarious! I felt bad for Rose though. :( Albus... I don't know. It was pretty typical, I guess. I could see it coming... I love Lily. She's my favourite, hands down.
Scorpius's letter was so sweet. It made my gushy, romantic heart melt. And my empathic soul wail with sympathy.
heheheh. The cousins reactions were so family-like. ha. They were spot on. And Ron. Oh, Ron. I'm not even going to start on Ron. lol. It was perfect, just in a horrible way. Hermione was more understanding and so were Harry and Ginny, which was good and just like I thought. :)
Fabulous chapter, hon!
Author's Response: *squishes Mere* It's been a while since I got such a lovely, thoughtful review. I took note of your nitpicks - although, with the first I assumed that Rose had been taught at least a few household spells in Charms or something (or, being Hermione's daughter, she may have taken it upon herself to learn them). And Scorpius' 'gifts' was just a generalisation - I did that on purpose. It was referring to any and all gifts he may give her. :) Thank you so much for all your lovely comments as well. This review has made my day! *squishes again -Jen
Jess! -huggles- You are so talented.
I have a few little nitpicks:
A faint –pop- echoed through the alley.
They all landed with a thud, and immediately, Dacia was sent in a coughing fit.
This is just a formatting error. You need to fit enter again after alley.
When Dante is telling his story about Vance, and he moves on to a seperate paragraph, there shouldn't be quotation marks. Like:
It was perfect until… he came.”
This is the last line of the first paragraph. Since Dante is still speaking when the next paragraph starts, the quotation marks aren't needed.
...how selfish vampire had become...
I think that vampire is suppose to be plural here...
I lived on my own for a couple of years until word got out that I was a wizard vampire...
Err... technically she's a witch vampire, not a wizard vampire.
Okay. So that's all my nitpicks.
"Aren't we a fabulous triangle of grotesque characters?" she scathingly replied.
“Well, aren’t you a fucking ray of sunshine?” Dacia spat back.
hahahaha. I couldn't help myself. I burst out laughing at those lines.
He noticed how she smiled seductively...
Ooh... Who's this?
Your monster party just got even more intriguing. I can't wait to see how they all deal with living with each other. I'm even more intriuged about that little insight we got to Dante's past. I want to know what happens between everyone. Like if there's anymore Dante/Dacia action. Or if there's some Dante/Ravenna. I'm just eager for more in general. :D
Author's Response: Aww, Mere, you picked out my favourite line from the entire story thus far! haha. I actually had the \'grotesque\' quote in my facebook quote section. xD -isatotallyloser- Oh, you missed Dante/mysteriouswomenwhoisvaguelymentioend. Dante can be with whoever; he\'s just that irrestible, haha. (: And \'living with each other?\' but Dante and Ravenna are dead. Okay no more vampiric puns. Thanks again Mere. Your reviews always make me smile.
Monster party! My favorite kind! lol.
...her cheeks turned a light pink colour and then faded back into her unnatural pale complexion.
Hmm... I think you want unnaturally.
Great description, by the way.
“It should be rather obvious, shouldn’t it?” she asked, her eyes still wide in shock.
I found this a little confusing, why was she in shock? I think you could add a few words and explain it.
Immediately, she glanced up at Dante who looked surprisingly calm.
There should be a comma after Dante.
And again, Dacia stopped him by grabbing his hand that was wrapped around the door handle.
Last paragraph she was sitting on the couch. Now she's grabbing his wrist at the door. How did she get to the door?
That's all of my nitpicks. :)
But an angel couldn’t possibly have blessed him this way for he was sure that he wasn’t gaining salvation.
Why do all vampires think that they are doomed for eternity? lol. Actually, I really like the way you protrayed Dacia's and Dante's opinions of themselves. The way they both think they're cursed and evil, how Dante thinks he has it worse, how Dacia's is scared to death of being alone... I love it.
Dante saw his mistake; Dacia saw the golden opportunity.
I like this sentance. I think I like the way it shows how they both view the samething differently. I also just like the way it flows.
“You’d be surprised then,” he said, his eyes looking at certain parts of her body.
Concerned, Dacia looked at the window behind her.
I love how she's concerned for him and not herself. lol.
For once, she felt normal.
*sigh* If only "normal" was something to be wished for for all of us.
I loved it! I like how the dark and angst is juxapose with some cynical humor, cheekiness, and some longing.
Author's Response: Thanks Mere.(: And you pinpointed exactly why I loathe Dante so, but his character is so set there\'s no turning back; he\'ll get better... hopefully.xD Yeah, Dacia is like that; it\'ll be more pronounced next chapter and more to come. And yes, I like that it\'s not completely consumed by D/A (that\'s one of my pet peeves when reading D/A). Again, thank you! I\'m glad you enjoyed it.;)
One teeny-tiny nitpick:
Could she have put herself in a worst position?
'Worst' should be 'worse' because your only comparing two things, her current situation to another 'worse' one.
That's my only one. :D
...their white alabaster skin was glowing even with the faintest amount of light!
I love this line! Well, this part of that line. ;) It really shows how different vampires and humans, well, even Dacia, are different. I also like how it sounds. Have you ever read it aloud? It just rolls off the tongue. lol. :D
Tell them to detox themselves?
hahahaha! I really like this line.
“He did seem interested in me, though.”
“Don’t let that fool you. Raoul can be very… convincing.”
“You think he could take me that way? I was a big girl last time I checked.”
“No, I don’t mean that way. You would fall for that easily.”
Oooh. Interesting. And intriguing. -begs for more chapters- :)
If she could only hold Ravenna for a few minutes, how would she manage?
Possibly even more intriguing and interesting. -gets down on hands and knees and begs for more chapters- ;)
If I remember correctly, you said that you don't like Dacia or Dante, yeah? -ponders for a moment- Hmm... I do, I think. Dante definitely. He seems very nice and thoughtful, and gentlemen-like (lol), for lack of a better word. Dacia, I don't know if I actually like her, but I do feel bad for her. Ravenna, well, the nice of me is calling her a bitch, and the mean side of me is laughing along with her. (The nice side is slightly stronger right now.)
I'm like super-interested right now. I'm mean like ten times more than I was last chapter. haha.
Amazing, awesome, fantastic chapter!
Author's Response: One nitpick? :o For real? Awesome. Yes, I don't like Dante, and I'm actually opening up to Dacia. At first, I didn't like her because she was... normal. There wasn't anything dynamic about her, but as I fill her out, normal is a good thing, and she's very naive and young. I'm growning on her. Dante, there's nothing I can do about him. I never thought I could create a character that I hate. That's just sad. >.>