Hi. I'm Mere. I disappear and reappear every now and then, but it mostly all comes down to the fact that I do love to write and I do love Harry Potter.
My OTP is James/Lily, but I have a tendency to ship them with other characters. Lily Evans is my favourite character and I absolutely adore writing her.
If you'd like to know more about me, please visit my livejournal. :)
Wow. Okay. This was an extremely emotional piece. It really makes the reader think about what’s going on. I really like how you incorporated Harry’s and Professor Dumbledore’s words into the story. It was beautiful, in a sad, sort of sick way.
It makes a lot of sense for “Dumbledore’s Worst Nightmare” is that he’s powerless against Voldemort. We now know that he relived his sister’s death, but as this story was put on the archive before DH was released, your idea of what happened while he was drinking the potion is really IC of what we knew of Dumbledore then.
Dumbledore nodded at Voldemort.
I love how it starts out with Dumbledore feeling comfortable and feeling like he’s in control of the situation.
For the first time ever when facing his former student, Dumbledore felt unnerved.
I really like how Dumbledore’s attitude changes before Voldemort has even said anything. I like the way it starts with his appearance and then it only goes downhill from there.
It was Minerva McGonagall.
It makes sense that it starts out with one of Dumbledore’s colleagues and the progresses to people that he’s closer to all the way to Harry. It shows that Voldemort understood Dumbledore a lot more than Dumbledore ever guessed.
It struck him: he was powerless to Voldemort.
You used the word “powerless” a lot. Unless you were intending to keep using it over and over again to make a point like the word “honourable” in Mark Antony’s speech in Julius Caesar, but I don’t think you were intending "powerless" to mean anything other than "without power." Perhaps you could have used incapable or helpless or weak in the sentence: He was utterly powerless; he could do nothing to strike back. to vary up your verb use and keep the reader interested.
He was so horrified by the scene unfolding in front of him that he was unable to string the words together more coherently.
I really like how you explains why he couldn’t form sentences.
One thing that stood out to me: there were almost no setting details. You set the scene at the very beginning, saying that it was at a grave yard, but that’s it. I think you could have added some more details about what everything looked like and really painted a dark, horrifying scene for us.
It was an amazing, deep, and heartfelt piece.
One school: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Two Girls: A freak and a chatterbox
Three blood groups: Pure bloods, Half Bloods and Mudbloods
Four Houses: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin
Five boys: A rebel, a pandered child, a traitor, a werewolf, and a distressed boy.
The story starts with them...
Five, four, three, two, one- Avada Kedavra!
... and ends with them.
Hey Afifa! I'm back again. :)
It took him a full one minute to remove it, and after all that rubbing, his cheek became pinkish, but he decided to ignore it.
I have a slight qualm with this bit. How would Sirius know that the mark was gone and his cheek was just pink? He can't see his cheek, can he? Is he looking in a shop window at his reflection or is he just guessing?
Remus stared around.
This sentance is a bit awkward. I suggest saying something along the line of, "Remus stared all around him." to give the reader a sense of the space.
“Well … books, a cauldron, robes, parchments …” Mrs. Potter started but was interrupted by her husband as he said, “And a little of this and a little of that.”
When a different person speaks, there should be a sperate paragraph. Try something like:
"'Well... books, a cauldron, robes, parchments...' started Mrs. Potter.
'And a little of this and a little of that,' interrupted her husband."
Very soon, both mother and son had Disapparated from Diagon Alley to return home.
This sentance is a little misleading. It kind of sounds like Peter and his mum are Disapparating seperately, which would mean that Peter can Apparate, which is impossible (well, illeagal...I suppose that it's possible...). I think that you should change the wording around a bit so that it sounds more like Peter and him mum are using Side-Long Apparation.
That's it for nitpicks! Hey! That kind of rhymes! lol.
The old hag actually brought her dirty lips, on which she had applied blood red lipstick, to his cheek and did what his mother had, as far as he could remember, never done: Agatha Muriel Gutson actually kissed Sirius Orion Black on his cheek! And what was more? She left a ‘souvenir’ behind in the ruddy red, lip-shaped mark on his handsome face.
ahahaha. I burst out laughing when I read this line. haha.
Diagon Alley was weird, but at the same time, it was really cool!
LOL! I love the way eleven-year-olds describe things. :)
“Well, my name is Nikki Sen, and this will be my first year at Hogwarts,” the girl introduced herself as she extended her hand.
Yay! New character! :) She must be the chatterbox from your summary. It must have been a relief to finally have an OC to write about. ;) I can't wait to see how she fits in with the Marauders and Lily.
He ended up with a selection of four new books, which he was sure he would be able to complete in the one month left before he went to Hogwarts.
haha. This reminded me so much of myself. Well, myself when I had the time to sit down and read. :) I used to come home from the library with a stack of books half as tall as I was! And of course, I'd read them all before they were due. *sigh* If only I had the much time to read now. Then again, I'd probably have more time if I didn't spend so much time on MNFF and the forums... lol.
They started walking towards Ollivanders when James asked, “Other things?”
heeheehee. This made me giggle.
The boy had a shock of brown hair and matching eyes.
Could this possibly be Remus??
“A dragon,” James replied instantly, smiling broadly as he saw his father wink at him from behind his wife.
Boys. *shakes head*
“Finally all the things have been bought!” Mrs. Potter cried in a relieved voice, wiping her forehead with her handkerchief.
I thought mothers were supposed to enjoy shopping. lol. Actually, I love that you made her not enjoy it. I hate that sterotype. >.<
“Right, so where is the list?” Mrs. Pettigrew asked him.
“Umm … I don’t know,” Peter replied worriedly.
I really like this exchange. I don't know why though. It just seemed to speak volumes to me. You can really tell a lot about both Peter and him mum's characters from it. And it seems very natural and like a normal occurance.
I like how you had the first sheet of the letter, the introductory bit, in Lily's section and then the supplies list in Peter's. It made them all getting their letters at the same time and all going shopping at the same time really believable.
“Well, Jennifer, I will be going now. Nice talking with you. Bye!” Mrs. Pettigrew said to the witch.
I really like how you had both Mrs. Black and Mrs. Pettigrew run into people they know at Diagon Alley. It seems like something that would happen a lot, especially considering that it's like the only place in London and surrounding area to shop for wizards' goods.
“Watch where you’re going!” the boy shouted. He had thin, black, greasy hair and a long countenance; he looked pretty disagreeable, as far as Peter was concerned.
heheheh. Snape. heheh.
This was definately my favorite chapter so far. I can't wait for the next one!
Ah... you're really observant, aren't you? I'll change the mistakes asap. Thanks for pointing them out. =)
Lol. Yeah, I wanted to have something funny, so I decided to put the whole 'kiss' thing. It's a Marauder era fic after all! It has to have something fun. =D
Yeah, OC's are cool, aren't they? You can shape them into whatever you want to. And yeah, she's the chattebox from the summary. You catch on very quick, very good! (Y)
Yeah, I'm experiencing the same thing. MNFF is too addicting. It's bad for health. lol. It's not MNFF's fault anyways. But I still do read books, I take out time by not sleeping. *yawn*
Yeah, the boy with a shock of brown hair and matching eyes is, indeed, Remus. You're the only one who's spotted that. Good job!
I sirius-ly wrote the Mrs. Potter dialogue just like that. I had never characterized her to not be a stereotype. lol. But I guess that's good. =D And, well, women don't have fun shopping for their children's books, do they? ;)
Yeah, about Mrs. Black and Mrs. Pettigrew, I figured that someone should meet someone. I had written a chapter in which Sirius and James meet. Before that I had written one in which James, Sirius and Lily meet. The latter was 10,000 words long! :eek: But it was pretty fun, and I'll definitely be going to use some of it's contents for a later chapter. Any way, I couldn't use it as chapter 3 'cause I wanted a 'DH Spoiler' story, and not a 'DH Disreguarded' one. I didn't use the first version because I didn't like it, so I wrote the third chapter three times! Hence, one of the reasons why it took so long to get it validated.
Yeah, Snape was necessary. I had even thought of adding his 'thing' in the chapter. By 'thing' I mean the whole part in which he shops with his mother, but then, I didn't feel like doing it and left it as it is. lol. Talk about lazy. Plus, it wouldn't have been fun. =p
Thanks for the lovely review, compliments, everything! =D I'll definitely let you know once the fourth chapter is validated (via the Badger Bar =p), and hopefully it'll be even better. Thanks, once again! =)
Hey Afifa! I finally found the time to read chapter two. :)
Then Mr. Lupin took Remus to his room and tried to talk to him.
Umm. You had this exact same sentance as the last sentance in the paragraph above.
Actually, when something belongs to Remus, you use " 's " instead of " s'." This is because " s' " is used when the possessor is pluar, like girls, the it would be "the girls' class." Since Remus is only one person it's "Remus's letter."
He had very less to eat as compared to what he usually had every day.
The beginning of this sentance does not make any sense. I suggest you say something like, "He ate a lot less compared to what he usually had every day." Or "He had very little to eat compared to what he usually had everyday."
/end of nitpciks.
He was not a true Black. This was Sirius Black.
I like how you have him rebelling at eleven. It makes his running away at fifteen even more believable. I also really like the simplicity of the last sentance. It is short, simple, and concise, but it holds a lot of power.
I also like that you have Sirius and Regulus being friends and caring for each other. It makes sense that when they were younger they would band together as playmates.
Maybe, just maybe, she would even miss him as her eldest son, and not just as someone to abuse. There was no harm in hoping, was there?
Aww. Poor Sirius. I like that he still wants his mother's love even though he disagrees with her on so many accounts. It's very realistic.
Mrs. Black came down with a satisfied smile when she heard the roaring of Sirius’ stomach.
I don't like how complete Mrs. Black's abuse is of Sirius. -wants to hold Sirius and tell him it'll all be okay- But, I like how you showed how complete Mrs. Black's abuse was of him.
Mr. Evans made no secret of the fact that he preferred Lily’s company to Petunia’s, even though the latter was his first-born.
This kind of reminded me of Pride and Prejudice. lol. I think it was because Lily's father perferred her company, and Mr. Bennet perferred Lizzie's company.
Years had passed full of love and fun and happy moments. But, as always, good times always come to an end. And the Lupins were no exception.
Poor Remus. Poor Mrs. Lupin. Poor Mr. Lupin.
I'm really glad that you told how Remus got bitten, instead of just saying something like, "When he was seven, Remus was bitten by a werewolf, and now he's a werewolf."
I really like the characterization of the Lupins. It's obvious that you spent a lot of time figuring out their characters and you did a good job. They react in the ways you except any normal parent stuck in a bad situation to react.
May-be the fact that Mrs. Potter had been a Chaser during her days at Hogwarts had counted for something.
I love the fact that James inherited his Quidditch skills from his mum. That's great! Its NOT a mans world. Go Girls! heehee.
He was very daring and always tasted each and every one of them, even sprouts and earwax.
I like how you show this aspect of James's personality through something as simple as eating candy.
He did not have any Muggle clothing. The Blacks had always thought that they were a cut above the rest. None of them wore Muggle clothes just because they were pure-bloods.
James dashed upstairs and into his room. He quickly changed into Muggle clothes. He was wearing blue jeans and a red shirt.
I love how you show the difference between the two families this way. It's something simple, but it tells a lot.
You really have a knack for picking out those little things that really define who we are and showing them in your writing. Its amazing they way you do it.
And then he spent half the night on bed, pondering, thinking about something or other.
I like how this shows that he isn't some empty-headed fool. It shows that he does think about things and is kinda thoughtful.
I was kinda disappointed in your overall characterization of Peter. I think you fell victim to some of Peter's most common cliches. That he's really stupid and fat and that's all there is to him. I hope that you develop him more and really explore his character.
That just left Hufflepuff. He was dumb and no brave.
What's this, Afifia? Are degrading your own house? Tisk, tisk. Also, I think you want not brave instead of no brave. Just a guess though. :D
Mrs. Pettigrew shrieked with happiness and flew towards her son. “That’s wonderful! We will go to Diagon Alley right away after breakfast. Go and get ready quickly!”
I like that Mrs. Pettigrew and Peter seem to be pretty close and have a good relationship. I am SO glad that you didn't have a cliche of him being ignored by his mother. Yay!
Overall, it was a great chapter. I thought that it was better than the first one. It's still moving kind of slow, but I understand that you are still just introducing all the characters. I really like the way that you had the reception of each child's letter. It gives us a lot of background on the kids' families and we get to see how different the children and their up bringings are.
Oops! Thanks for pointing out the mistakes. =) I'll change them as soon as possible.
Well, I've always thought of Reg and Sirius being in good terms with each other, especially before Sirius got sorted in Gryffindor.
Lol. I guess I subconciously wrote the whole Lily- Elizabeth part. 'Cause I sirius-ly didn't do it on purpose.
I'm glad that somebody mentioned the whole Remus getting bit part. I've read countless Marauder era stories, but there isn't any in which they've given details of what actually happened. I figured, that as I was giving everything in detail (though there isn't that much of detail or the reader would get bored), I should have at least a paragraph on how Remus was bitten. It is, after all, an important turning point. They became Animagus. The whole PoA plot.
Hehe. Every thing the Potters inherited had to be from their fathers- the looks, hair, everything. So I made James inherit the Quidditch skills from his mother. Evem Samarie (my beta) liked that part. =) I'm glad that you liked it, too. Or noticed at least.
Well, trust me I won't have Peter characterized like that later onwards. In the beginning, it's just like that because he's the only kid in the family, and his father tends to boss him around a lot. But when he'll enter Hogwarts, well, you'll read that later. ;) All I can say is that he won't be the cliche type.
*blushes* I wrote this chapter way before I got sorted into Hufflepuff. Sirius-ly. lol. And well, in the books Hufflepuffs are supposed to be like that so I couldn't help myself. But now that you mentioned it, I'll surely put some scene in which the Puff's will be brave/intelligent and such.
Yeah, I like it better than the first one, but I like the third one even better than this one. And it's slow, I know. It's eating me up, writing everything from scratch. I just want to get to the seventh year already. 'Cause that's when the real stuff happens. But then I keep on reminding myself that there's stuff like- them naming themselves as the 'Marauders', them knowing that Remus is a werewolf, the pranks, Marauder's Map, Animagus, James falling for Lily, and what not.
Anyways, thanks a lot for the review, Mere! You just made my day! =D
Hey Afifa! I finally got around to reading your story. :)
“What was it called?” Petunia thought and then it struck her, “Emerald”.
The period at the end of this sentance should be inside the quotation marks. "...'Emerald.'"
So, that infant who was born on 25th November 1959 was christened ‘Sirius Orion Black’.
This sentance would flow better if there were commas around the unrestricted clause: "...who was born on 25th November 1959..." Also, I suggest saying "... who was born on THE 25th OF November 1959..." So, the sentance would read: "So, that infant, who was born on the 25th of November, was christened 'Sirius Orion Black.'"
...gave her to his eldest daughter Petunia who was thrilled.
'Petunia' is an apostive phrase because it's restating the noun 'his eldest daughter,' therefore, it too, should be in commas. "...gave her to his eldest daughter, Petunia, who was thrilled."
When Mrs. Rosie Lupin saw the baby, she was ecstatic.
You used the word 'ecstatic' three paragraphs up, when describing Petunia. It would be more fun to read if you varied you language a little bit. I advise you to try words like delighted, blissful, thrilled, elated, pleased, exhilarated, euphoric, and overjoyed. And phrases like beside oneself, in seventh heaven, on cloud nine, or in heaven on earth.
This was her first baby, which was alive.
When I first read this sentance, I thought that you meant that she was just happy that her first child was alive. Then I read the rest of the paragraph and realized that you meant it was her first child who was born alive. I think you could make the meaning of this sentance a little clearer by saying something like, "This was her first baby who was born alive."
...family accept a cousin of...
Accept should be except.
She was happy, her husband was happy.
I know what you're trying to do in this sentance, but it only works with three or more things. Either you need to add 'and' in there or add in someone else who is happy too. So, it'd be like: "She was happy, her husband was happy, everyone was happy!"
The occupant of the bed whose black hair was spread on the pillows looked up at her husband whose forehead was lined with worry and gave a quivery smile.
Two more unrestricted clauses that need to be in commas! "The occupent of the bed, whose black hair was spread on the pillows, looked up at her husband, whose forhead was lined with worry, and gave a quivery smile." Hmm. This is a really long and slightly confusing sentance. Maybe breaking it in to two parts would be best. "The occupent of the bed, whose black hair was spread on the pillows, looked up. She saw her husband, his forehead creased with worry lines, and gave a quivering smile."
After a week’s rest, Mrs. Potter continued with her daily tasks. Telling the house elf what to do to name one.
This doesn't flow very well. I'd combine the two sentances together, so it read something along the lines of: "After a week of rest, Mrs. Potter continued with her daily tasks, such as telling the house-elf what to do."
...hazel eyes, the only trait, which was not...
The second comma should be removed, so it says, "...hazel eyes, the only trait which was not..."
...let her thoughts wander only to be interrupted...
Now a comma needs to be here, after wander and before only.
Mrs. Potter also thought of resting and lied down.
You used the wrong conjugation of lay here. It should be 'laid down' instead of 'lied down'.
Okay.I'm done with all my nitpicks now. :D
Mrs. Black went straight to her room, kept the baby in the cot and went to the mirror to inspect her self. She was not up to her usual self and that was sort of surprising for her. She had not been warned that having a baby was going to be the most difficult effort of her life. There was a little bit of soot on her thick black hair (no doubt from travelling using the Floo), which she brushed off. Then she applied mascara on her beautiful long eyelashes. She applied black eye make up, which literally made her eyes look black. But she looked beautiful all the same.
I love this part about Mrs. Black being first concered with her appearance, and then upholding family tradition and then her son. I think it characterizes Walaburga perfectly.
“Wow! Can I hold her, Dad? Please?” pleaded a toddler to her father.
This is a great opening line! It sets the scene up wonderfully. I also love how you had Petunia all excited and happy to play with her new sister. It seems very canon to the little bit we saw of Lily's childhood in DH.
Nothing would happen to this baby… Life was perfect!
Ahh... I do love irony.
I really like how you gave Remus and Peter some solid backstory. It seems like most people just kind of skip over them, ignoring how they came to be. I especially like what you did with Peter. It's new and creative and it makes sense. I can already see why Peter turned out they way he did.
I also like how you gave just a teeny-tiny
glimpse of each birth. You showed how different their childhoods are/ would be and you introduced each main character at the same time. It's brilliant!
So, Sirius is the somewhat ignored, but well looked after boy.
Lily has a very 'family' family. Like they really press for family time and encourage the two girls to play and bond as much as possible.
Remus has kind of a grey childhood. He's haunted by this miscarried baby and his mother's happiness is short-lived. Just as soon as it arrived, it'll be taken away again. I can very easily see her becoming depressed.
James is the adored, primped, proper, and arrogant boy. I love how you can see where he gets his arrogance from.
And, finally, Peter. His father verbally abuses his mother, right? He ignores her will and will probably ignore Peter's too. Peter's mum will teach Peter to follow her sweet and caring ways. And for the most part he will. Until that nasty, evil, power-craving side, that he inheirited from his father, decides to shine through.
Author's Response: Wow! What a lovely, long review! =D\r\n\r\nMere, dear, thanks for pointing out these mistakes. =) I\'ll make the changes soon. \r\n\r\nLike you\'ve got everything summed up. =) I\'m glad that you liked the story so far. Thanks for the review, dear. =)
Draco is apprehended by members of the Order and held for questioning. While Harry and Ron search for Horcruxes, Hermione has to stay behind and is asked to tend to their ‘guest’. After two months of confinement, a beaten down Draco and a frustrated Hermione start a tentative friendship, based entirely on loneliness. Draco is set free after agreeing to help the Order, but when Harry and Hermione are captured by Death Eaters, he has to decide whom he will betray, his master, or the girl he can’t stop thinking about.
I have made a few minor changes to chapter 9, I changed the direction of the end of the story so it was neccassary. Chapter 10 is in the que now.
"Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything."
Hey Kristy! Here's your treat~
This was a wonderful halloween treat! I'm glad you are hooked. I HATE Dramoine (beleive it or not) but was challanged to write one so I decided it was going to be very realistic. There was another twist to the challange but I won't revele it. >.> <.<! All your questions are answered as the story progresses so keep reading. I'm glad you saw it and felt it, that is what I set out to do. I love stories where you feel like you are standing there, you can smell the food, feel the breeze and understand the fear of what is going on. I too saw this playing out like a movie and I am trying to write every chapter that way.
~ Thanks again, Kristy
this is really good. poor sirius. i like how you worked everything in like him daring snape to go under the whomping willow and snape's worst memory. keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Yep, I\'m keeping it canon. (I can\'t say what\'ll happen in the future, though *cue evil laugh*) Thanks for the review!
very well written and interesting. cant wait for the next chapter!!
Author's Response: Thanks very much. Next chapter\'s about to go into the queue! xx
Wow! I just read through this whole thing and wow. It's so funny and real. I couldn't stop laughing the entire time, but it wasn't like stupid humour, it was actual humour--you know what I'm saying? Probably not, but whatever. I love your depictions of all the charactes, particularly James. haha. He's definitley my favourite anyway, but you take him to a whole new level. :D
-cries- Only one chapter!?
Wonderful story. I haven't been feeling to well lately, and this brought me right up. Thanks!
Author's Response: Tell me about it. I've had the most irritating cough ever known to man for the past fortnight and it's not going away! I'm really glad you found it actually funny instead of stupidly funny, because that's definitely what I aim for in my writing! Hooray! Thanks for the great review!
Mavis! -hugs- This is my slow start at an attempt to pay you back for being an amazing beta.
I have one little nitpick-y thing here:
When Albus and Malfoy joined their respective Quidditch teams later, he and the other Gryffindor Quidditch players (which included my brother, and Albus’ brother and sister) were at times mocked by the Slytherin Quidditch team.
This sentence was kind of hard for me to follow. I think that it was mostly because you mentioned Lily and Hugo in it and I was like 'Wha--? They're younger... OH! She seems in the future.' So maybe you could clear that up a bit.
That slap, knowing James, was probably not very gentle.
ahahahaha. I really like how you sneak a bit of James's characterization here.
Ravenclaw! It hadn’t occurred to me that I might be Sorted into this house.
She's not incredibly smart or anything. And the hat didn't consider putting her mum in their. -rolls eyes at Rose- I really like the way you snuck in a little bit of Hermione that shone through in Rose.
He quite suddenly entered my world, and it was unknown whether he was to stay…
You know, this would have been a fine ending all on it's own. But I love the last line too. lol. You give us a little bit of cliffie here...
It was also the year my world was turned upside down.
And then it's BANG! Big cliffie here. -pouts-
-then realises you have the next chapter up-
I really like how you start out with Malfoy being sorted. It sets the scene for the rest of the prolouge, and I guess the rest of the story. ;) I also like the nervousness about being sorted. It was really cute.
That whole exchange between Albus and Rose about Albus being cunning was hilarous and adorable too. lol. It made me just want to give Albus a hug and then walk away and laugh at him behind his back. lol. Do I sound evil or what?
Oh! I also really liked Neville being the Meet-And-Greet-the-First-Years Professor. :) And I wanted to say that I am incredibly impressed with your ability to make up names. lol. I hate doing it, personally, and I always get worried that the end sounding extremely ridiculous. All of your names sounded quite real and like actual people.
Overall, it was a really interestring and intriguing prolouge!
Great job, kid!
Ohmygod, Mia. I've been meaning to read this for a long time now, and I finally got around to it. You can't see me, but if you could, you'd know how much this story touched me. I can't express it with words.
Mia, I'm crying.
Author's Response: Hey Mere! So, this is almost two years too late, but thank you! Simply, thank you.
I almost don't believe you when you say this is your first fanfic. It's incredible. Wow. I don't have much to say other than that. I love the emotion in it. I love how you describe Remus, it's like he's a shadow of a man, not really there, just going through his days in an empty routine.
Remus had stared.
Sirius had noticed.
I love this part. I love the way it builds up to it and I really like how you seperated them into two different paragraphs. It shows the importance of it and time seems to freeze just then.
Hullo, Mar! –squishes SPEW buddy-
This is very short, but very sweet. =) I like how there’s a darker side to it, with them waiting for someone connected to the war, but that darker side is just that—a side of the story. It’s a shade, a layer, a small part that makes it wonderful, but it’s not the focus of the story. We really don’t know who Audrey is waiting for or why she’s waiting for them, but we don’t need to know that. All we need to know is that she is waiting for someone who could kill her and Percy is with her. There are so many layers to this story—it’s brilliant.
I don’t know anything about Audrey, other than that I can never remember if her name is Audrey or Aubrey, and that she marries Percy. I like the character you’ve made her out to be though. She seems to be exactly what Percy needs, someone strong and real, someone who will set him straight. Her speech was actually very moving—I had chills running up and down my arms. I like what she was saying, about how it was everyone’s war and anyone could fight it, because everyone deserved the peaceful world. It’s more than just the way she said, but the idea that she was conveying—it’s very powerful.
I don’t like Percy. (Who does?) But, I sort of like your Percy. Your characterization of him is pretty good; I expected him to be a little more pompous and full of himself. Although, you could argue that the war has taken a toll on him, and that’s the affect that Audrey has had on him. In that case, my admiration of Audrey just went up like a hundred percent. She made Percy, Percy—proud, ambitious, git—act like a human, nervous and uncertain.
She flashed him a quick but warm smile and then resumed her task of watching and waiting. There should be a pair of commas around ‘but warm’.
The dialouge at the end was dynamic. I think that it was made so much more deep and moving because they weren’t actually saying it. They were talking about how they felt about each other, but neither of them came out and said it. They used lighter words, but, in my opinion, that had the opposite effect. It made the conversation much heavier. To a less perceptible person, it might appear that they were just talking about their friendship, or just that night, but if look into it, there’s so much more. Again, all the different layers of this story are amazing.
So, I’m curious—what was your prompt? Hope? Trust?
I like the recurring themes of both throughout the story, and the way it ties into Percy and Audrey’s relationship. It makes me think that a significant other—or at least the one you fall in love with should inspire both. You should trust them just because you do. They shouldn’t have to prove themselves; all you know is that you trust them, and maybe a little bit more. As for hope—well, they should encourage it, almost be your source of it. They way Percy feels more optimistic about the war, about his life, because of Audrey. I find it really inspiring the way you’ve portrayed both of them (hope, trust) in a relationship.
Mar, this story was sweet and lovely and contains so much depth at second glance. It’s a beautiful LoveNote. :)
Brittany! -tackles lovely SPEW buddy-
Wow. What a fantasically awesome piece.
First, though, some little nitpicks:
It was really the only thing that still managed to surprise Remus.
What was the only thing that managed to surprise Remus? The Whomping Willow? I thought that it was familiar with the routine? How could it be familiar but surprising? Or was it Madame Pomfrey stopping it? Sorry, that was just a little unclear to me.
Never really knowing, only hearing about the great fun the four of them had.
I love this line. I really do, but if it's the first time James, Sirius, and Peter are joining him, how does he know that they're going to have a lot of fun? Maybe something that hints at vague memories or him questioning his friends about what happened.
Remus had gotten lost in his thoughts again, losing track precious.
Err... This line doesn't make sense. Did you mean to put 'losing track of precious time'? Or is something else precious?
Mounted with the pressure of the full moon, it only agonized him more to think of the probability of those things happening.
This line is so beautiful. It made my eyes burn.
His opinion distorted, it would always be a curse, a reminder of the tortured howls he emitted, the self-inflicted wounds.
Aww.... -huggles Remus-
The first time he had traveled this way, he had been half out of his mind with the terror that clutched his heart.
I want to hug you because of this line. -hugs-
Maybe…but before Remus could finish his thought it was lost forever, trapped in a corner of his mind, never to be retrieved.
-is speechless- This line is so powerful and heart-wrenching.
Some random thoughts -->
Are you a werewolf, hon? I mean, seriously, Britt, this piece was just so maginificent, so powerful, so emotional, so in tune with what Remus would be thinking. It's really beautiful too. You have a wonderful way with words, even your prose seems like poetry.
Remus is perfect. He would be concerned about hurting someone, hurting one of his friends, his friends getting caught, etc. And he would think deep, dark, complex thoughts on his way to transformation.
I love the way you describe the transformation. It's so accurate and believable. Almost makes me think that werewolves are real. ;) I also love the way you introduced the rest of the Marauders and how Remus reacts to them. It's wonderful.
Well, you had a blast writing this piece and I had a blast reviewing it. :D
Amazing, strong, powerful, stunning story.
I just have a few nitpicky things that I want to get out of the way first.
...No has been the cause of countless quarrels, debates, conspiracies, and theories – almost as many as the word Yes.
This isn't really necessary or anything, but I thought I'd mention it. If you put quotes around the words 'No' and 'Yes' (like such) it would add more emphasis to them and make them stand out a bit more. Also, I think there may be a rule about putting little quote marks around words that you're talking about... But I may be making that up. lol.
The book was entitled A Monotonous Study of Life...
Any title needs to be recognized as a title in some way. As this is a book title, it needs to be underlined or italized.
Also, I suggest that you add an Alternate Universe warning to this fic. Now, this may be pre-mature since I've only read one chapter, but from this one, to me, it sounds like an AU warning is needed. Mostly because of this sentences:
That creepy Severus kid had been there. He read way too much science fiction. But then again, what if he had been right? He had seemed so … sincere.
We pretty much know from A Prince's Tale in DH, that Lily belived Snape and was friends with him.
One last nitpick:
When you have a scene change I suggest putting a star (*) or a horizontal line or a dash (-) or a squiggley (~) or something, just to make it clear to the reader that time's passed or something is changing. I noticed a rough change here:
Without removing her muddy shoes, Lily collapsed on the bed and blanked out.
When Lily woke, it was bright; the sun was directly overhead.
That's all my nitpicks.
I really love how you started this fic off. It was great, with a brief discussion of the word 'No.' I like what she was saying 'no' to, as well. This being a Lily-fic, I half-expected it to be her saying no to James's asking her out. But, what you did was really creative and made Lily seem like a very believable, very normal eleven-year-old.
However, this soon became a boring pastime as well, and at the moment Lily was very much in the mood for some bacon.
ahahaha. I often get random cravings too. haha. Although, it's never for bacon (I'm vegetarian), I can still relate to Lily.
The thought was of running away.
The number of times I've thought of running away is... way too many to count. lol. I was about eleven every time those thoughts ran through my heads, too. Great characterization of an eleven-year-old!
I also really liked that you ended the chapter with 'Yes.' After staring the chapter with 'No' it fits that you end it with 'Yes.'
Author's Response: Thanks so much, Mere. I'll get right on those corrections. Your critique is superb, and greatly appreciated.
Avery! -squishes again-
My one nitpick:
Okay, now I'm confused. Snape went from being the creepy boy who lived down the street to the boy Lily wanted to talk to the entire chapter. Maybe you clear it up little in either the first chapter or this chapter?
Okay, that's over. :)
I'm impressed, you managed to skip the entire train ride and the Sorting Hat's song. Lucky you! They can be real killers to write.
The girl in the reflection looked frightened, and Lily decided that she would not be like her.
I like this. I don't know what it is about it, but it really stood out to me. I like the way you showed Lily's feelings and thoughts without actually saying them.
I’ve heard that Hufflepuff is the way to go...
-cackles- I love the plug for Hufflepuff! -huggles-
I love the way you describe the food. I've always loved books that list/describe the food. -huggles JKR-
I also love the way you introduced the Whomping Willow. Dumbledore seemed very IC in it and it was a good way to describe it without telling why it was actually there.
And when Lily Evans finally lifted her eyes, she was looking into Petunia’s.
Ooo. Cliffie. I'm interested in seeing where this is going.
Great chapeter, love.
Author's Response: Wow, your critique was the best! It really made my week, let alone day. It showed me how much I have to work on. Hopefully the Snape thing will clear up in the 4th chapter, and if I can't fit it in I'll go back and edit on of the first two. I'm glad you liked it, because us Hufflepuffs have got to stick together. :) You can't imagine how long I waited on tenderhooks for your (or any other Hufflepuffs) reveiws. Thanks a million!
Rose was a Weasley. She never gave Scorpius Malfoy a second glance. They were sworn enemies, even though they’d barely even spoken to each other. But sometimes all it takes for love to blossom is a Potions lesson, a few snide remarks and a dropped book.
Two people. Two entirely different worlds that are suddenly intertwined.
Hi, Jen! Great chapter!
Rose smiled at her cousin sympathetically as Albus moved tables to work with the Slytherin boy who was about a metre taller than him.
You misspelled "meter" in this sentance.
Also, despite the seemingly permanent smirk, he seemed friendlier.
You used two different forms of "seem" in one sentance. There isn't really a problem with it, just I think that it would flow better if you changed one. For example, it could read, "Also, depsite the apparently permanent smirk, he seemed friendlier." Or you could say, "Also, despite the seemlingly pernanent smirk, he looked friendlier."
‘Pride and Prejudice?’ he asked as she stuffed the worn paperback into her bag. Rose went even redder, and muttered defensively, ‘It’s a good book!’
When a different person speaks, there should be a new paragraph. "Rose went even redder, and muttered defensively,'It's a good book!'" should be its own paragraph.
Okay, that's all my nitpicky stuff. lol.
Rose chucked the crust of her toast at him.
I love the word "chuck." Brownie points to you for using it. :) I'll probably point out everytime you use it, just 'cause I adore that word. haha. I also just like this line. It made me laugh.
Rose often felt sorry for Fred and his sixteen-year-old sister Roxanne, who both had to be taught by their mother.
I know how Fred and Roxie feel! *groans* Well, not yet, but I will. My mom is going to be my English teacher. *hits head on desk*
I like how you used this line to show how Roxie and Fred are related and who George married. It's very creative.
‘You heard me. Over there with Scorpius, m’dear.’ Slughorn shooed her over to a corner and continued his list.
Poor Slughorn. Everything happens when he decides to switch partners around. haha. Good job with characterizing him too.
Is Scorpious in the Slug Club too? Just wondering.
...even though her ears were going red.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE how you gave her this trait of Ron's. It just makes it so much more believable that she is Ron's daughter.
‘I know it is,’ Scorpius said. ‘I’ve read it.’
I like how Scorpius has read Pride and Prejudice, it makes him seem appear like a much nicer and more tolerant person than his dear old Daddy.
What was the big deal?
It's not a big deal, Rose. You're just falling in love with a Malfoy. haha. Sorry, I had a sudden impluse to answer that.
I like the ending, with all the swearing to Merlin stuff. haha.
Author's Response: Wow, what an amazing review, Mere. Thank you so much. I will fix the nitpicks you pointed out, but \'meter\' is the American spelling, and I\'m not American. :] \'Metre\' is the British spelling. I\'m really glad you\'re enjoying it, though! *hugs* Jen
*hits head on desk*
Sorry, Jen, you didn't spell "metre" wrong. I'm American and so's my dictionary. I just realized that it was probably British, so I dictionary.com-ed it, and it was. Sorry, love. My bad.
Author's Response: I responded to the other review before I read this one. >.< Thanks anyway, hun. :]
Hey, Jen! Your story was soo good, I just couldn't stay away. :]
Rose was a little nervous, but she had gotten used to it after four years of playing Quidditch.
Rose is a fifth year, right? When I read this it sounded like you meant that she's been playing Quidditch during her entire Hogwart's career. If that's what you meant, then... well, it shouldn't be what you meant. Harry was on the team his first year, yes, but he was the first in a century. I doubt his niece would be a first year on the team too.
She hadn’t realised they had that high a score, but she needed to find the Snitch to secure their win.
The word "of" should be between "high" and "a". I think the second part of the sentance would make more sense if you said "...but she still needed..."
Ehh... I hate to say this, but right now Rose seems like a Mary-Sue. I hope that we'll see some of her faults soon.
That's all of my nitpicks!
It wasn’t a cliché. It was fate.
I meant to comment on this earlier. I love that line. It really pulled me into the story.
'We can’t afford to lose this one, you know.’
Wow. That's encouraging. /sarcasm
Actually, I think that's brilliant. That's exactly what a friend/cousin would say.
She could hear Craig Jordan, one of James’s friends, doing the commentary.
I love that you made Lee Jordan's son the commenator and that you gave him a little of Lee's personality. Just don't forget to have someone yelling at him like McGonagall did his father. haha.
...her golden-brown hair almost suffocating Rose.
I love the picture I get from this. Yay for details!
Rose found herself thinking how easy it was to fool everyone with this, but then she caught herself.
Isn't awful when our thoughts betray us? This is the first time I really felt myself relating to Rose. It's great. I love how these thoughts continue all the through the rest of the chapter.
The voice was right - she fancied Scorpius Malfoy.
Those little voices are always right. This line is a good ending. A little cliffie, to keep us begging for more, but it summed up the chapter nicely.
I love the beginning where Rose and Scorpius would steal looks at each other and stuff. It really shows their relationship well.
Author's Response: Thanks again, Mere! I\'ll get around to fixing those nitpicks soon. :] And I know what you\'re saying about the Mary-Sue, I\'ve heard it from a few people now. But I kind of wanted people to see Rose like that to start with. She had this seemingly perfect life, but then Scorpius brings out a whole other side to her personality. Keep reading and you\'ll see what I mean. :] Jen xoxo
Hello, Jen (agian!) I really can't stay away from your story. It's addicting. lol.
... and her heart was beating so fast she wouldn’t have been surprised if her friends could hear it.
You used this almost exact phrase in the last chapter. Not that there's anything wrong with that really, just that you might want to vary it up a bit. I would suggest using words like thumping, erratic, wildly, sporadically, unevenly, quickly, etc.
...and all four of them turned to see their Aunt Angelina.
This doesn't make sense. Anna isn't related to the Weasleys and George wouldn't marry his aunt. Instead you could say, "...and all four of them turned to see Rose and Albus's Aunt Angelina.
Done nitpicking, now on the fun stuff! lol.
...making her heart skip a beat and her brain whirl with excitement.
I love this description. I can clearly see that in my head.
He would never want to date her in a million years...
Then why does he keep staring at you, Rose? meheh. I love how you do this. Rose will think a thought that is perfectly normal and it makes sense that she would be thinking it, but we, the readers, know better. Like, in this case, we know that Scorpius wants likes her and wants to date her. I like reacting to these thoughts, and later I can just be like, "See! I told you so!" (Yes... I talk to your story. haha.)
When Rose woke up, I first thought that you were going to have Scorpius meet her. I am so glad you didn't. The way you did it was much better. :D I like her imagining the scene though, and the line about the romantic fairytale.
Rose knew roughly where the Slytherin Common Room was, and she looked there now, wondering whether, if she stared hard enough, she would be able to see him in his bed.
What?!? All that pranking and she doesn't know where the Slytherin Common Room is?? Who does she pull pranks on? lol. Maybe I've read one too many MWPP stories with the Marauders going in the Slytherin common room.
I like the bit about her staring hard and being able to see Scorpius in bed. haha. Of course, my dirty mind got to where she got a little faster. haha.
I love the conversation between Rose and Molly. It shows just how many Weasleys there actually are. And it shows what kind of person Rose is. It was fun to read too.
Albus didn’t say anything, and instead took a swig of his Butterbeer.
Do I smell an Anna/Albus thing happening here?
Aww... poor Scorpius. He would have a rough childhood. I think you explained it nicely. I'm glad he doesn't use his misfortune as an exuse to treat other people badly. *cough*Draco*cough*
AWW! The ending was really sweet.
I LOVE the way you write. I'm so insanely jealous of it actually. heheheh. Joking, joking... maybe. Anyway, I could see everything perfectly in my head. It was like I was watching a movie. I always knew exactly where everyone was and what the were doing. It was great!
*sigh* I've reached the end of all the chapters you've submitted. Which is good, my Bio lab is calling. x/ I can't wait for more!
Author's Response: Another amazing review. Have you ever considered applying for SPEW, dear? :] I\'m in a hurry now, but thank you again, and I will fix the nitpicks soon. Every single one of your comments makes me smile, even the one about you having a dirty mind. Just wait \'til chapter eight, love. ;) As for Anna/Albus, you\'ll have to wait and see. It\'s a possibilty, isn\'t it? *hugs*
JEN! *squishes* You updated! Yay!
There was one formatting error that I noticed:
‘I have to talk to you, Al,’ Rose said, sitting down cross-legged on the end of his bed. ‘Alone.’
The last part of this was said with an obvious stare at Ben. He didn’t seem to notice, and simply flashed Rose a grin.
I think you hit 'enter' three times after the first sentence instead of just twice. :)
Rose span around in surprise.
Um... I think you meant "spun." I looked up span and it basically means to 1) measure with the hands, 2) to encircle with the hands, 3) to extend over, or 4) to provide with something that extends over.
No more nitpicks. :)
...and I don’t quite fancy having James Potter find out what I’m doing with his baby cousin.’
Don't worry Rose, I laughed too. ;)
James would kill Scorpius if he discovered them, as would Fred, Albus, Hugo, her dad, most of her uncles (if not all), her grandfather, and probably Roxanne too.
I laughed here too. All these males and then Roxanne. teehee.
‘When everything is going wrong, laugh. The world seems a lot better when you’re smiling.’
This is a very grandmother-ly thing to say. It's also a very wise and nice sentiment. I like it.
Unfortunately for Rose, Benjamin Parsons was also in there, doing his homework.
I like how you have Ben cropping up for a few lines every chapter. So many fanfiction authors don't have any minor characters, it's either a major character or the character isn't there at all. Good job in keeping the minor characters alive!
At least it’s not Parsons—
I agree Albus, he is annoying. :p
I’m great, Winky
WINKY!! :D I love her (well, all house-elfs really)! I'm glad that she's moved on and is now a happy house-elf.
'You’re so beautiful,’ he murmured.
Aww. This whole paragraph was really sweet and cute and nice. It made me want to have a boyfriend to hold me like that.
I just don’t know if I can ruin their Christmas like that.
Ouch! She is right though... The Weasley's and the Potter's are just as prejudice, if not more, than the Malfoy's. -sighs sadly- 'Tis the story of the world. 'It's okay if I'm prejudice because I'm only prejudice against the bad guys and everyone associated with them.' >.< Grr.
Okay. Sorry. Back to your story (which is excellent, by the way).
It did strike her as a little hypocritical of him to not want his family to know, but Rose decided to let it slide for the time being.
I do understand him though. The Weasley/Potter clan will probably be a lot more accepting and welcoming than the Malfoys, once they get over that inital shock.
‘Yeah, I remember Dad mentioning it once,’ Scorpius said.
In a story that included flying mud? heeheehee.
After waking up the Fat Lady...
Didn't Mrs. Weasley say something about coming back late from a date? Like mother, like daughter.
Great chapter! I can't wait for the next one!
Author's Response: Aw! Thanks, Mere! Your comments all made me smile. I love reviews like this. I\'ll fix the nitpicks as soon as I get some spare time. *hugs* Thanks again!