Hi. I'm Mere. I disappear and reappear every now and then, but it mostly all comes down to the fact that I do love to write and I do love Harry Potter.
My OTP is James/Lily, but I have a tendency to ship them with other characters. Lily Evans is my favourite character and I absolutely adore writing her.
If you'd like to know more about me, please visit my livejournal. :)
this chapter made me laugh out loud. normally i just smile to myself or snicker a little, but with this one actually laughing out loud. it was hilarous!
Okay. So, WOW. Your fic was amazing. It was very heartfelt and sad.
Just somethings that I noticed:
Lovely never never change
This doesn't make sense. I think that you mean Love, never never change.
She awoke and shifted and her neck when it began to tingle with pain from the position it was in.
Read this sentance through. Notice every word. Now, tell me why it says, "She awoke and shifted and her neck when it began... lol. I'm pretty sure that you just accidentally added an extra "and."
"Me too Hermione," he said gently, "me too."
There should be a comma before Hermione.
That's it for my nitpicks.
I love how you tell the their story and their feelings for each other in the song. My eyes started to water as I read it. It was beautiful!
"Hermione, wake up," it said again.
Aww. This broke my heart. I honestly thought that Harry had come back.
"Dance with me," Ron whispered as he watched Hermione's eyes follow the memory of her and Harry as they walked out onto the beach.
I orginally thought that Ron was just going to play the song and dance with Hermione in her room. I really like that he took her back to the wedding reception, so that she could be with Harry again.
It was comforting, being held by Ron, and for the first time in months, she was back with her boys.
I love this line. I love how it shows that she doesn't just miss Harry, but she also misses being part of the Trio.
Hermione's gaze remained glued to Harry, and she could have sworn he stared right into her own eyes and mouthed 'I love you.'
Aww. I get goosebumps everytime I read this line. It's so sweet! And sad. My eyes also well up everytime I read it.
You convey the emtions of being sad and lost extremely well through this piece. I'm guessing that at the time you wrote this you were feeling a little sad and lost too. Its great the way that you were able to take these emotions and write a beautiful piece about them.
I’m trying to make up for that crappy review I left you for A Sudden Movement last night . . .
Ugh. This is so fantastic and awesome, I almost don’t know what to say. But, luckily enough I think I can manage something. ;)
First, I just want to comment on how masterful you are with language and using it to capture the reader and draw them into your story. I’m not really into affairs or relationships where one person could be the other’s child. And yet . . . it doesn’t matter. I’m already cheering for Siobhan and excited to see what her plan involving pretending to be interested in Draco is and how it goes . . .
The first paragraph is very intriguing. I like how it’s ambiguous, but obvious at the same time. And I like how extremely attractive the man sounds . . . It’s so general that it could be anyone, except the descriptions are so particular and so exact that we know who you’re talking immediately. It could very easily been written in away that repulsed the reader more than drawing them in, but you do not have that problem. At all.
It’s brilliant the way you didn’t include his age in any of the description until the third paragraph. It’s a subtle and simple way of showing us that the fact that he’s older doesn’t bother Siobhan. Then later you bluntly tell us that she’s okay with the fact that he’d a bit older than her and that she actually prefers it. It’s like you’re preparing us readers for what will happen and weeding out the ones who can’t take it. It works, though, actually adding to the intrigue, by being slightly scandalous and sinful.
The idea of forbidden love and the temptation and guilt that go along with it, as weird as this might seem, are extremely appealing to me. Not to experience in real life . . . though, it would be quite thrilling . . . But, anyway, to read about. Maybe I’m just a horrible person who takes delight in hearing about the latest escapade, but I find it fascinating and really interesting. I’m really excited to keep reading this and finding out what happens. ^_^
Can we talk more about how you are amazing with words and can convince your readers of anything? In the beginning you’ve got us convinced that it’s perfectly natural to be lusting after a man whose almost three times your age and now Draco seems like an annoying, stupid little kid, instead of the dark, mysterious, sexy man that we normal think of him.
You really know how to get in your characters head. Don’t take this the wrong way, but it’s almost like you don’t exist. Like the fact that I’m reading something you’ve written has been buried and lost in the story. It feels more like I’m there with Siobhan and she’s telling me her thoughts. No, that’s not right. It’s more like I’m a camera, for lack of a better word, in her mind. But it’s that I don’t feel like this is a story, it feels so much more real and tangible than that is what I’m trying to get at.
I really like how you introduce characters by their appearance. Like when Harry, Neville, Luna, and Ginny come, you don’t say Harry Potter asked Siobhan blah blah blah. The way you’ve written is much more real and how it’d actually happen. We’re seeing it exactly through Siobhan’s eyes—back to that camera in her head thing.
Hmm. I’m interested to know what part those six are going to play in this story. Obviously, you wouldn’t have brought them into play if they weren’t important . . . And, they were kind of like a reminder that the war was going on. WHICH WAS UTTERLY BRILLIANT. The subtleness and naturalness about everything—just guh! I can’t get over it.
I like how she’s not perfect and we’re already finding that out. I mean, we can guess that she’s attractive and intelligent and ambitious, which I suppose can be both a fault and a virtue, but we also find out that she’s a bit of a loner, too, and doesn’t have many, well, apparently any friends. Which makes her so much more relatable and real.
Also, the general idea of wanting what you can’t have makes her more relatable, too. Except she’s actually going after what she can’t have, and that’s what sets her apart. Well, I guess, the formulating a somewhat elaborate scheme that may or may not work to get what you want is a real thing, too.
The characterization of the Trio & Co. is perfect. I liked Luna’s line about the fairy. :) Harry was appropriately polite; they were all somber and faking okay-ness just like I’d imagine them to. And of course it was Ginny who broke the fakeness.
Everything about this story is love. Epic love, even, because you’re a genius. I do have one small issue with it though, and that’s Draco. He’s just . . . off. I don’t know, he seems too stupid and clueless, y’know? I think that he should be more distant and cool and intelligent. But, it’s the first chapter, so I’m trusting you to build him more and better as they story progresses. ;)
But, yeah. It’s just amazing. I’m so looking forward to the next chapter. You have no idea.
“So, uh, what were you and young Weasleby whispering about?”
hehe. I like how you keep Draco in character. It's nice to read a fic where he doesn't *transform* for Hermione.
A shiver ran down her spine as someone stopped directly behind her. “’The affects of the Irresolutus potion’,” a voice she recognized as Draco’s quoted. “That’s the essay.”
I'm not sure that quoted is the best word here. It reads like "That's the essay." is being quoted. Not that part that acutally is being quoted. And "...a voice she recognized as Draco's quoted." just doesn't flow to me. The wording seems a little off. I think it would flow better if it read, "...quoted a voice she recognized as Draco's."
In all honestly, she didn’t really want to.
Then why did she? I would've liked to see some details about what she say in Draco's eyes that convinced her to go.
She snorted, “No! Honestly, we’re nearly adults, you know.”
That is so like Hermione. But, she's only sixteen. Sixteen-year-olds, studious or not, have hormones and they crave intimate contact. Hermione probably wouldn't have any problems with just snogging.
Much to her relief...
Why? Why is it much to her relief? She let him kiss her, so why would she want it to end?
Gently leaning his forehead to hers, Draco finished, “We can’t get enough of each other.”
I love this line! It's the perfect way to end the chapter.
Then it hit him. His thoughts clearly weren’t natural.
I love all the assumptions he makes. Because he's pureblood and a Malfoy he couldn't possibly have feelings for a lowlife Mudblood. It would have to be something she was doing, nevermind she looked at him in fear. :)
If only Potter knew that his girlfriend was desperately after him.
This line made me giggle. :) Draco and his assumptions again. teehee.
I also like how you're switching between Hermione's and Draco's thoughts. It's great to see each of their thoughts regarding each other.
It was the first time in her life that she seriously considered skipping class.
This is a great line. It shows us exactly how much Draco is bothering her.
Today he was determined not to look for her, or think about her at all.
Haha. This is like those New Year resolutions not to eat chocolate or something... you break them within ten minutes of making them.
“What was that about?” Ron asked from across the table.
I think it's a little weird that Ron and Harry are so oblivous. Ron may not be great at feelings, but if Draco is affecting Hermione as much as were led to believe, I think he'd notice something. And if Harry is as obsessed with Draco as you are implying then he would most definately notice that Draco's been staring at Hermione all week.
...Zofia was on duty for the match.
Umm... I don't quite understand this part. Hermione is the brightest witch in her year, and a year older than Zofia, so it doesn't seem like Zofia would be that much help. Especially at a Quidditch match where Hermione is going to surrouned by Gryffindors, Ravenclaws, and Hufflepuffs anyway,who would all jump to her defense if Draco tried anything.
I'll also take this time to comment on Zofia's name. So far it fits her very well, she seems to be as wise as a fifthteen-year-old can be (yes I did my research!).
Hermione’s heart sped up...
Is this due to fear or something else? *wink nudge wink*
He could almost see her heart shatter in her eyes.
I love this description. I can clearly see in my head what this and the whole scene look like.
Author's Response: \"Zofia was on duty\" it was just that they didn\'t want Hermione to be alone, and even she thought it was ridiculous at the match, that\'s why she left on her own.\r\n\r\nThanks you for doing your research about the name! I generally have some sort of purpose behind my character\'s names, it\'s nice to know someone noticed!
Evidently, the latter had won out.
So Malfoy follows his heart. It's nice to know he has one. :)
“Because you want me,” she mocked his words from the previous day.
Man, she has got courage. I really like how you show her as a brave, courageous girl who says what she thinks, even to Draco.
Logic leaned toward the former, but the current state of his soul almost wished for hurt.
This is so sweet and touching. I felt Draco's inner anguish in when I read this line.
“What are we going to do about this then?”
Ahh.. Hermione. Always the logical thinker.
“Now I wish it were witchcraft,” she snorted. “Because then I could stop it.”
heheheh. He's not that bad, Hermione!
This chapter was very thrilling and scary. I love how the romance is blended with the dark and angst in your story. I really like the way you do these interludes, where we get to see a bit of the world outside of Lily's perspective.
Children, Frank realized, horrified. The blood seemed to freeze in his veins in that split-second of shock. The Death Eaters were taking the children as hostages.
I literally had chills running up and down my spine as I read this line. And... way to leave us hanging! :)
Okay. So. This is the first slash story I've ever read (well first slash fanfic). It was really good.
I can really relate to this story. There are some people that I'm really close to who are lesbian. I didn't rejected them and I don't know anyone who has, but I was always scared to death that someone would/will. I have read and heard about kids being rejected by their parents and family, and everytime it breaks my heart. This story really touched me.
What about Ron Weasley?
lol. Okay, not an "lol" story, I know. But it kinda of sounds like she figured out she was lesbian because she went out with Ron. Which is an "lol" thought.
"Parvati Patil," Padma says, "say hello to Parvati Chang."
This is really sweet. I really like it. It just really touched me.
I accept it.
Ahh. The magic words. :) At least she did. It may have taken her three years, but she finally understood.
Okay. I just reviewed, lol, but I forgot to mention something.
...Cho's once long, but now short, hair.
This is perfect. Thank you for mentioning this. Thank you for knowing enough to write an accurate story.
It’s a relief, actually…
I'm sure it is, Lily, I'm sure it is. :)
It’s drifted somewhere out past Pluto.
haha. I love this line. It made me giggle. :D
This chapter was really good. I love how easy and comfortably the humor flows. It's very natural.
Sophie and Sirius... interesting. Just friends, eh? haha.
Grapes. I'd be more scared that they'd get smushed, than that they'd fall out actually. And not smushed because of that! My school is extremely overcrowed, and the hallways, especially the intersections are hell! Ugg... just picturing smushed grapes everywhere... and grape juice flying with every grape that got smushed. Haha. Actually, it's quite amusing. lol.
I love Lily in your fic. She's relaxed, fun, and hilarious! Not some stiff, tight-ass. I'm glad to see she's warming up to James. She almost admitted to jealous of Tamara. teehee!
Thanks for this, I really needed something light and humorous and this was prefect!
Author's Response: Lol, thanks so much Mere! It\'s got to be natural of course, Lily\'s a natural clown. ;) Thanks! That\'s one of the best compliments. I hate it when things sound forced. Well, at my school we actually had tater-tots all over the ground once... it was gross...
*Squee!* I am so happy that you finally got to update! :D This is very possibly my favorite story on the site!
She hadn’t actually believedthat it was a dream...
You forgot to put a space between believed and that.
When something belongs to James you actually use 's. You're only suppose to use s' when the noun is plural like girls'. Since James is one person, it should be James's.
I love how you write emotions. When Lily was embrassed, I was blushing, when she was sad, I wanted to cry, and when she was giddy, I felt like jumping around screaming and laughing. It's really amazing how empathic your writing is.
I also love how believable your characters are. I could easliy pictured James getting angry that way and yelling and saying those things. I love how much of a klutz Lily is. I'm a natural klutz too! I really like how obvious Lily's moods are. In the beginning she's frazzeled and confused. Then she's sad, embrassed, and angry with herself and then she's confused again. And the she's deliriously happy, but still a little sad. This chapter sure put me through an emtional rollercoaster!
I think the thing I love the most though, is how I always know exactly what your characters are doing. You describe their movement so well. I think it partly come from having a theatre background. Your used to stage directions, yeah?
James blinked, trying to see where Lily was going with this. “I guess,” he mumbled.
Aww. Poor James. The girl he's in love with thinks he was just acting. :( Also the tension between Lily and James is just fantastic!
“He’s a really great actor,” Lily said, almost sounding as if she were trying to persuade her friends how great of a guy James was. “But he won’t audition for anything.” She smiled sadly. “He’s been helping me with memorizing my lines for the past several weeks… And he can dance!” she added excitedly, suddenly remembering this fact about James. Without so much as a warning, Lily leapt up from her place against the door and sprinted across the floor to her closet. She opened the door with a great deal of enthusiasm and searched through the items hanging up, quickly finding the jacket that she had shoved into the closet the night before.
I love this passage! I think it's my favorite one of the whole chapter. I love the feelings it produces and I love the magic of it and I love the way I can see it.
LOL! Do you think I could have said "I love..." any more in this review?!
i have to say, i didnt think id like this story when i first started reading it. but i love it. its amazing and very well written. keep up the good work!
Author's Response: I\'m so glad I was able to change your mind! That\'s my main goal, so I\'m glad you like the story, now!\r\n\r\nThanks for reviewing!\r\n\r\nYours truly,\r\nAmelia Bedelia
Hey, there! I've come to bring your review count up to two! :)
On the night of Christmas Eve the usual hustle and bustle on the streets of Diagon Alley were replaced by...
"Were" should "was" because you used the collective noun "usual."
As they walked there was an uncomfortable silence between them.
There should be a comma after "walked."
"Do you love him,” Oliver asked softly.
You forgot a question mark here. :) I think you forgot it again when he repeated the question.
Those are my three grammatical nitpicks.
This is a sweet little story set in all the romantic backdrop that is the Christmas season.
Aww. Okay. You had me there. After I read that sentance, there was no way I was not reading this fic.
Aww. This was really sweet. I think you captured the evening very well. There were a few times where your dialogue seemed a little rough and forced, though.
“Whatever you say, but why don’t you go and take the drink to the lady.”
This is an example of that. This sentance just doesn't flow, I think if you played around with the wording a little bit, than you could find something that worked. Maybe something like, "Whatever you say," said Tom, shrugging and placing the drinks on the bar. "Now, hurry up and take these drinks away, you wouldn't want to keep the lady waiting, would you?"
He then came out with the question he wanted to know...
Here's an instance where there was some rough non-dialogue. I'd say something like, Now was the perfect oppertunity to ask the question he'd been dying to ask all night...
I'm sure with a little work, you could iron out all these rough patches and then your story would flow much better and be an easier read.
He quickly turned around to see Katie back standing by the entrance. “Yes?” he asked.
“I just wanted to say, Happy Christmas,” she said with a smile.
“Happy Christmas to you, too,” he replied.
This part was really sweet. It kind of reminded me of Romeo and Juliet, when Juliet calls Romeo back during the balcony scene.
And with a simple crack, he left the snowy streets for the comforts of home, taking with him every wonderful moment of the night he had just shared with his only true love, and hoping that just maybe, another wonderful Christmas with her would be yet to come.
I love this last line. It's the perfect ending to your story. I think it's great how much it sums up the story, but how many doors it opens. It leaves the reader thinking about what'll happen next Christmas between Katie and Oliver.
This is definately a good "Awww!" story. :D Keep it up.
Author's Response: Thank you very much for a very long, very helpful review. More of these sort of reviews are really what we all could use around here! Those little grammatical corrections were very helpful and accurate. I believe I occasionally forget about the existence of the question mark. I know the story didn't always read as flowy as I wanted it to, but I think those awkward dialogue moments were just ways for me to trim the story down so that I wouldn't go off on tangents and completely lose the plot! I know I have trouble with that. Thank you very much for giving me my *second* review. I really appreciate it and your constructive criticisms :)
I really like how you show the Slytherin side of the story. In most of the fanfics I've read, granted it hasn't been in many, but they don't take the time to really build the Slytherins. Great job!
Author's Response: Why thank you! I love writing them, they don\'t make appearances very often but I like being able to show their side of the story. Thanks so much for the review!
Wow. Okay. This was an extremely emotional piece. It really makes the reader think about what’s going on. I really like how you incorporated Harry’s and Professor Dumbledore’s words into the story. It was beautiful, in a sad, sort of sick way.
It makes a lot of sense for “Dumbledore’s Worst Nightmare” is that he’s powerless against Voldemort. We now know that he relived his sister’s death, but as this story was put on the archive before DH was released, your idea of what happened while he was drinking the potion is really IC of what we knew of Dumbledore then.
Dumbledore nodded at Voldemort.
I love how it starts out with Dumbledore feeling comfortable and feeling like he’s in control of the situation.
For the first time ever when facing his former student, Dumbledore felt unnerved.
I really like how Dumbledore’s attitude changes before Voldemort has even said anything. I like the way it starts with his appearance and then it only goes downhill from there.
It was Minerva McGonagall.
It makes sense that it starts out with one of Dumbledore’s colleagues and the progresses to people that he’s closer to all the way to Harry. It shows that Voldemort understood Dumbledore a lot more than Dumbledore ever guessed.
It struck him: he was powerless to Voldemort.
You used the word “powerless” a lot. Unless you were intending to keep using it over and over again to make a point like the word “honourable” in Mark Antony’s speech in Julius Caesar, but I don’t think you were intending "powerless" to mean anything other than "without power." Perhaps you could have used incapable or helpless or weak in the sentence: He was utterly powerless; he could do nothing to strike back. to vary up your verb use and keep the reader interested.
He was so horrified by the scene unfolding in front of him that he was unable to string the words together more coherently.
I really like how you explains why he couldn’t form sentences.
One thing that stood out to me: there were almost no setting details. You set the scene at the very beginning, saying that it was at a grave yard, but that’s it. I think you could have added some more details about what everything looked like and really painted a dark, horrifying scene for us.
It was an amazing, deep, and heartfelt piece.
One school: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Two Girls: A freak and a chatterbox
Three blood groups: Pure bloods, Half Bloods and Mudbloods
Four Houses: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin
Five boys: A rebel, a pandered child, a traitor, a werewolf, and a distressed boy.
The story starts with them...
Five, four, three, two, one- Avada Kedavra!
... and ends with them.
Hey Afifa! I'm back again. :)
It took him a full one minute to remove it, and after all that rubbing, his cheek became pinkish, but he decided to ignore it.
I have a slight qualm with this bit. How would Sirius know that the mark was gone and his cheek was just pink? He can't see his cheek, can he? Is he looking in a shop window at his reflection or is he just guessing?
Remus stared around.
This sentance is a bit awkward. I suggest saying something along the line of, "Remus stared all around him." to give the reader a sense of the space.
“Well … books, a cauldron, robes, parchments …” Mrs. Potter started but was interrupted by her husband as he said, “And a little of this and a little of that.”
When a different person speaks, there should be a sperate paragraph. Try something like:
"'Well... books, a cauldron, robes, parchments...' started Mrs. Potter.
'And a little of this and a little of that,' interrupted her husband."
Very soon, both mother and son had Disapparated from Diagon Alley to return home.
This sentance is a little misleading. It kind of sounds like Peter and his mum are Disapparating seperately, which would mean that Peter can Apparate, which is impossible (well, illeagal...I suppose that it's possible...). I think that you should change the wording around a bit so that it sounds more like Peter and him mum are using Side-Long Apparation.
That's it for nitpicks! Hey! That kind of rhymes! lol.
The old hag actually brought her dirty lips, on which she had applied blood red lipstick, to his cheek and did what his mother had, as far as he could remember, never done: Agatha Muriel Gutson actually kissed Sirius Orion Black on his cheek! And what was more? She left a ‘souvenir’ behind in the ruddy red, lip-shaped mark on his handsome face.
ahahaha. I burst out laughing when I read this line. haha.
Diagon Alley was weird, but at the same time, it was really cool!
LOL! I love the way eleven-year-olds describe things. :)
“Well, my name is Nikki Sen, and this will be my first year at Hogwarts,” the girl introduced herself as she extended her hand.
Yay! New character! :) She must be the chatterbox from your summary. It must have been a relief to finally have an OC to write about. ;) I can't wait to see how she fits in with the Marauders and Lily.
He ended up with a selection of four new books, which he was sure he would be able to complete in the one month left before he went to Hogwarts.
haha. This reminded me so much of myself. Well, myself when I had the time to sit down and read. :) I used to come home from the library with a stack of books half as tall as I was! And of course, I'd read them all before they were due. *sigh* If only I had the much time to read now. Then again, I'd probably have more time if I didn't spend so much time on MNFF and the forums... lol.
They started walking towards Ollivanders when James asked, “Other things?”
heeheehee. This made me giggle.
The boy had a shock of brown hair and matching eyes.
Could this possibly be Remus??
“A dragon,” James replied instantly, smiling broadly as he saw his father wink at him from behind his wife.
Boys. *shakes head*
“Finally all the things have been bought!” Mrs. Potter cried in a relieved voice, wiping her forehead with her handkerchief.
I thought mothers were supposed to enjoy shopping. lol. Actually, I love that you made her not enjoy it. I hate that sterotype. >.<
“Right, so where is the list?” Mrs. Pettigrew asked him.
“Umm … I don’t know,” Peter replied worriedly.
I really like this exchange. I don't know why though. It just seemed to speak volumes to me. You can really tell a lot about both Peter and him mum's characters from it. And it seems very natural and like a normal occurance.
I like how you had the first sheet of the letter, the introductory bit, in Lily's section and then the supplies list in Peter's. It made them all getting their letters at the same time and all going shopping at the same time really believable.
“Well, Jennifer, I will be going now. Nice talking with you. Bye!” Mrs. Pettigrew said to the witch.
I really like how you had both Mrs. Black and Mrs. Pettigrew run into people they know at Diagon Alley. It seems like something that would happen a lot, especially considering that it's like the only place in London and surrounding area to shop for wizards' goods.
“Watch where you’re going!” the boy shouted. He had thin, black, greasy hair and a long countenance; he looked pretty disagreeable, as far as Peter was concerned.
heheheh. Snape. heheh.
This was definately my favorite chapter so far. I can't wait for the next one!
Ah... you're really observant, aren't you? I'll change the mistakes asap. Thanks for pointing them out. =)
Lol. Yeah, I wanted to have something funny, so I decided to put the whole 'kiss' thing. It's a Marauder era fic after all! It has to have something fun. =D
Yeah, OC's are cool, aren't they? You can shape them into whatever you want to. And yeah, she's the chattebox from the summary. You catch on very quick, very good! (Y)
Yeah, I'm experiencing the same thing. MNFF is too addicting. It's bad for health. lol. It's not MNFF's fault anyways. But I still do read books, I take out time by not sleeping. *yawn*
Yeah, the boy with a shock of brown hair and matching eyes is, indeed, Remus. You're the only one who's spotted that. Good job!
I sirius-ly wrote the Mrs. Potter dialogue just like that. I had never characterized her to not be a stereotype. lol. But I guess that's good. =D And, well, women don't have fun shopping for their children's books, do they? ;)
Yeah, about Mrs. Black and Mrs. Pettigrew, I figured that someone should meet someone. I had written a chapter in which Sirius and James meet. Before that I had written one in which James, Sirius and Lily meet. The latter was 10,000 words long! :eek: But it was pretty fun, and I'll definitely be going to use some of it's contents for a later chapter. Any way, I couldn't use it as chapter 3 'cause I wanted a 'DH Spoiler' story, and not a 'DH Disreguarded' one. I didn't use the first version because I didn't like it, so I wrote the third chapter three times! Hence, one of the reasons why it took so long to get it validated.
Yeah, Snape was necessary. I had even thought of adding his 'thing' in the chapter. By 'thing' I mean the whole part in which he shops with his mother, but then, I didn't feel like doing it and left it as it is. lol. Talk about lazy. Plus, it wouldn't have been fun. =p
Thanks for the lovely review, compliments, everything! =D I'll definitely let you know once the fourth chapter is validated (via the Badger Bar =p), and hopefully it'll be even better. Thanks, once again! =)
Hey Afifa! I finally found the time to read chapter two. :)
Then Mr. Lupin took Remus to his room and tried to talk to him.
Umm. You had this exact same sentance as the last sentance in the paragraph above.
Actually, when something belongs to Remus, you use " 's " instead of " s'." This is because " s' " is used when the possessor is pluar, like girls, the it would be "the girls' class." Since Remus is only one person it's "Remus's letter."
He had very less to eat as compared to what he usually had every day.
The beginning of this sentance does not make any sense. I suggest you say something like, "He ate a lot less compared to what he usually had every day." Or "He had very little to eat compared to what he usually had everyday."
/end of nitpciks.
He was not a true Black. This was Sirius Black.
I like how you have him rebelling at eleven. It makes his running away at fifteen even more believable. I also really like the simplicity of the last sentance. It is short, simple, and concise, but it holds a lot of power.
I also like that you have Sirius and Regulus being friends and caring for each other. It makes sense that when they were younger they would band together as playmates.
Maybe, just maybe, she would even miss him as her eldest son, and not just as someone to abuse. There was no harm in hoping, was there?
Aww. Poor Sirius. I like that he still wants his mother's love even though he disagrees with her on so many accounts. It's very realistic.
Mrs. Black came down with a satisfied smile when she heard the roaring of Sirius’ stomach.
I don't like how complete Mrs. Black's abuse is of Sirius. -wants to hold Sirius and tell him it'll all be okay- But, I like how you showed how complete Mrs. Black's abuse was of him.
Mr. Evans made no secret of the fact that he preferred Lily’s company to Petunia’s, even though the latter was his first-born.
This kind of reminded me of Pride and Prejudice. lol. I think it was because Lily's father perferred her company, and Mr. Bennet perferred Lizzie's company.
Years had passed full of love and fun and happy moments. But, as always, good times always come to an end. And the Lupins were no exception.
Poor Remus. Poor Mrs. Lupin. Poor Mr. Lupin.
I'm really glad that you told how Remus got bitten, instead of just saying something like, "When he was seven, Remus was bitten by a werewolf, and now he's a werewolf."
I really like the characterization of the Lupins. It's obvious that you spent a lot of time figuring out their characters and you did a good job. They react in the ways you except any normal parent stuck in a bad situation to react.
May-be the fact that Mrs. Potter had been a Chaser during her days at Hogwarts had counted for something.
I love the fact that James inherited his Quidditch skills from his mum. That's great! Its NOT a mans world. Go Girls! heehee.
He was very daring and always tasted each and every one of them, even sprouts and earwax.
I like how you show this aspect of James's personality through something as simple as eating candy.
He did not have any Muggle clothing. The Blacks had always thought that they were a cut above the rest. None of them wore Muggle clothes just because they were pure-bloods.
James dashed upstairs and into his room. He quickly changed into Muggle clothes. He was wearing blue jeans and a red shirt.
I love how you show the difference between the two families this way. It's something simple, but it tells a lot.
You really have a knack for picking out those little things that really define who we are and showing them in your writing. Its amazing they way you do it.
And then he spent half the night on bed, pondering, thinking about something or other.
I like how this shows that he isn't some empty-headed fool. It shows that he does think about things and is kinda thoughtful.
I was kinda disappointed in your overall characterization of Peter. I think you fell victim to some of Peter's most common cliches. That he's really stupid and fat and that's all there is to him. I hope that you develop him more and really explore his character.
That just left Hufflepuff. He was dumb and no brave.
What's this, Afifia? Are degrading your own house? Tisk, tisk. Also, I think you want not brave instead of no brave. Just a guess though. :D
Mrs. Pettigrew shrieked with happiness and flew towards her son. “That’s wonderful! We will go to Diagon Alley right away after breakfast. Go and get ready quickly!”
I like that Mrs. Pettigrew and Peter seem to be pretty close and have a good relationship. I am SO glad that you didn't have a cliche of him being ignored by his mother. Yay!
Overall, it was a great chapter. I thought that it was better than the first one. It's still moving kind of slow, but I understand that you are still just introducing all the characters. I really like the way that you had the reception of each child's letter. It gives us a lot of background on the kids' families and we get to see how different the children and their up bringings are.
Oops! Thanks for pointing out the mistakes. =) I'll change them as soon as possible.
Well, I've always thought of Reg and Sirius being in good terms with each other, especially before Sirius got sorted in Gryffindor.
Lol. I guess I subconciously wrote the whole Lily- Elizabeth part. 'Cause I sirius-ly didn't do it on purpose.
I'm glad that somebody mentioned the whole Remus getting bit part. I've read countless Marauder era stories, but there isn't any in which they've given details of what actually happened. I figured, that as I was giving everything in detail (though there isn't that much of detail or the reader would get bored), I should have at least a paragraph on how Remus was bitten. It is, after all, an important turning point. They became Animagus. The whole PoA plot.
Hehe. Every thing the Potters inherited had to be from their fathers- the looks, hair, everything. So I made James inherit the Quidditch skills from his mother. Evem Samarie (my beta) liked that part. =) I'm glad that you liked it, too. Or noticed at least.
Well, trust me I won't have Peter characterized like that later onwards. In the beginning, it's just like that because he's the only kid in the family, and his father tends to boss him around a lot. But when he'll enter Hogwarts, well, you'll read that later. ;) All I can say is that he won't be the cliche type.
*blushes* I wrote this chapter way before I got sorted into Hufflepuff. Sirius-ly. lol. And well, in the books Hufflepuffs are supposed to be like that so I couldn't help myself. But now that you mentioned it, I'll surely put some scene in which the Puff's will be brave/intelligent and such.
Yeah, I like it better than the first one, but I like the third one even better than this one. And it's slow, I know. It's eating me up, writing everything from scratch. I just want to get to the seventh year already. 'Cause that's when the real stuff happens. But then I keep on reminding myself that there's stuff like- them naming themselves as the 'Marauders', them knowing that Remus is a werewolf, the pranks, Marauder's Map, Animagus, James falling for Lily, and what not.
Anyways, thanks a lot for the review, Mere! You just made my day! =D
Hey Afifa! I finally got around to reading your story. :)
“What was it called?” Petunia thought and then it struck her, “Emerald”.
The period at the end of this sentance should be inside the quotation marks. "...'Emerald.'"
So, that infant who was born on 25th November 1959 was christened ‘Sirius Orion Black’.
This sentance would flow better if there were commas around the unrestricted clause: "...who was born on 25th November 1959..." Also, I suggest saying "... who was born on THE 25th OF November 1959..." So, the sentance would read: "So, that infant, who was born on the 25th of November, was christened 'Sirius Orion Black.'"
...gave her to his eldest daughter Petunia who was thrilled.
'Petunia' is an apostive phrase because it's restating the noun 'his eldest daughter,' therefore, it too, should be in commas. "...gave her to his eldest daughter, Petunia, who was thrilled."
When Mrs. Rosie Lupin saw the baby, she was ecstatic.
You used the word 'ecstatic' three paragraphs up, when describing Petunia. It would be more fun to read if you varied you language a little bit. I advise you to try words like delighted, blissful, thrilled, elated, pleased, exhilarated, euphoric, and overjoyed. And phrases like beside oneself, in seventh heaven, on cloud nine, or in heaven on earth.
This was her first baby, which was alive.
When I first read this sentance, I thought that you meant that she was just happy that her first child was alive. Then I read the rest of the paragraph and realized that you meant it was her first child who was born alive. I think you could make the meaning of this sentance a little clearer by saying something like, "This was her first baby who was born alive."
...family accept a cousin of...
Accept should be except.
She was happy, her husband was happy.
I know what you're trying to do in this sentance, but it only works with three or more things. Either you need to add 'and' in there or add in someone else who is happy too. So, it'd be like: "She was happy, her husband was happy, everyone was happy!"
The occupant of the bed whose black hair was spread on the pillows looked up at her husband whose forehead was lined with worry and gave a quivery smile.
Two more unrestricted clauses that need to be in commas! "The occupent of the bed, whose black hair was spread on the pillows, looked up at her husband, whose forhead was lined with worry, and gave a quivery smile." Hmm. This is a really long and slightly confusing sentance. Maybe breaking it in to two parts would be best. "The occupent of the bed, whose black hair was spread on the pillows, looked up. She saw her husband, his forehead creased with worry lines, and gave a quivering smile."
After a week’s rest, Mrs. Potter continued with her daily tasks. Telling the house elf what to do to name one.
This doesn't flow very well. I'd combine the two sentances together, so it read something along the lines of: "After a week of rest, Mrs. Potter continued with her daily tasks, such as telling the house-elf what to do."
...hazel eyes, the only trait, which was not...
The second comma should be removed, so it says, "...hazel eyes, the only trait which was not..."
...let her thoughts wander only to be interrupted...
Now a comma needs to be here, after wander and before only.
Mrs. Potter also thought of resting and lied down.
You used the wrong conjugation of lay here. It should be 'laid down' instead of 'lied down'.
Okay.I'm done with all my nitpicks now. :D
Mrs. Black went straight to her room, kept the baby in the cot and went to the mirror to inspect her self. She was not up to her usual self and that was sort of surprising for her. She had not been warned that having a baby was going to be the most difficult effort of her life. There was a little bit of soot on her thick black hair (no doubt from travelling using the Floo), which she brushed off. Then she applied mascara on her beautiful long eyelashes. She applied black eye make up, which literally made her eyes look black. But she looked beautiful all the same.
I love this part about Mrs. Black being first concered with her appearance, and then upholding family tradition and then her son. I think it characterizes Walaburga perfectly.
“Wow! Can I hold her, Dad? Please?” pleaded a toddler to her father.
This is a great opening line! It sets the scene up wonderfully. I also love how you had Petunia all excited and happy to play with her new sister. It seems very canon to the little bit we saw of Lily's childhood in DH.
Nothing would happen to this baby… Life was perfect!
Ahh... I do love irony.
I really like how you gave Remus and Peter some solid backstory. It seems like most people just kind of skip over them, ignoring how they came to be. I especially like what you did with Peter. It's new and creative and it makes sense. I can already see why Peter turned out they way he did.
I also like how you gave just a teeny-tiny
glimpse of each birth. You showed how different their childhoods are/ would be and you introduced each main character at the same time. It's brilliant!
So, Sirius is the somewhat ignored, but well looked after boy.
Lily has a very 'family' family. Like they really press for family time and encourage the two girls to play and bond as much as possible.
Remus has kind of a grey childhood. He's haunted by this miscarried baby and his mother's happiness is short-lived. Just as soon as it arrived, it'll be taken away again. I can very easily see her becoming depressed.
James is the adored, primped, proper, and arrogant boy. I love how you can see where he gets his arrogance from.
And, finally, Peter. His father verbally abuses his mother, right? He ignores her will and will probably ignore Peter's too. Peter's mum will teach Peter to follow her sweet and caring ways. And for the most part he will. Until that nasty, evil, power-craving side, that he inheirited from his father, decides to shine through.
Author's Response: Wow! What a lovely, long review! =D\r\n\r\nMere, dear, thanks for pointing out these mistakes. =) I\'ll make the changes soon. \r\n\r\nLike you\'ve got everything summed up. =) I\'m glad that you liked the story so far. Thanks for the review, dear. =)
Draco is apprehended by members of the Order and held for questioning. While Harry and Ron search for Horcruxes, Hermione has to stay behind and is asked to tend to their ‘guest’. After two months of confinement, a beaten down Draco and a frustrated Hermione start a tentative friendship, based entirely on loneliness. Draco is set free after agreeing to help the Order, but when Harry and Hermione are captured by Death Eaters, he has to decide whom he will betray, his master, or the girl he can’t stop thinking about.
I have made a few minor changes to chapter 9, I changed the direction of the end of the story so it was neccassary. Chapter 10 is in the que now.
"Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything."
Hey Kristy! Here's your treat~
This was a wonderful halloween treat! I'm glad you are hooked. I HATE Dramoine (beleive it or not) but was challanged to write one so I decided it was going to be very realistic. There was another twist to the challange but I won't revele it. >.> <.<! All your questions are answered as the story progresses so keep reading. I'm glad you saw it and felt it, that is what I set out to do. I love stories where you feel like you are standing there, you can smell the food, feel the breeze and understand the fear of what is going on. I too saw this playing out like a movie and I am trying to write every chapter that way.
~ Thanks again, Kristy