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MerrryD [Contact]


Hi. I'm Mere. I disappear and reappear every now and then, but it mostly all comes down to the fact that I do love to write and I do love Harry Potter.

My OTP is James/Lily, but I have a tendency to ship them with other characters. Lily Evans is my favourite character and I absolutely adore writing her.

If you'd like to know more about me, please visit my livejournal. :)

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Stories by MerrryD [15]
Favorite Authors [2]
Favorite Stories [30]
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Reviews by MerrryD

Padfoot Prohibited by Liveley

Rated:836 Reviews Past Featured Story
Summary: Giving high school essays a Marauder twist, this fiction is centered around the idea that some seniors in high school are require to write a letter to incoming freshman before they graduate. At Hogwarts, Seventh Years are given an assignment to write such a letter for the new First Years. Sirius decides to actually take an assignment, well seriously...sort of. He decides to look back on his entire Hogwarts years and write down his list of things not to do at Hogwarts.
Reviewer: MerrryD Signed
Date: 03/21/08 Title: Chapter 9: Dumbledore Dare

this chapter made me laugh out loud. normally i just smile to myself or snicker a little, but with this one actually laughing out loud. it was hilarous!

Dance With Me by CLee

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 106 Reviews Past Featured Story
Summary: ...Hermione smiled, glancing up into her new husband's face. "It's beautiful out here," she whispered. "Yes," Harry replied softly, staring into his wife's eyes intently, "it certainly is." (One Shot)
Reviewer: MerrryD Signed
Date: 05/17/08 Title: Chapter 1: Dance With Me


Okay. So, WOW. Your fic was amazing. It was very heartfelt and sad.

Just somethings that I noticed:

Lovely never never change

This doesn't make sense. I think that you mean Love, never never change.

She awoke and shifted and her neck when it began to tingle with pain from the position it was in.

Read this sentance through. Notice every word. Now, tell me why it says, "She awoke and shifted and her neck when it began... lol. I'm pretty sure that you just accidentally added an extra "and."

"Me too Hermione," he said gently, "me too."

There should be a comma before Hermione.

That's it for my nitpicks.

I love how you tell the their story and their feelings for each other in the song. My eyes started to water as I read it. It was beautiful!

"Hermione, wake up," it said again.

Aww. This broke my heart. I honestly thought that Harry had come back.

"Dance with me," Ron whispered as he watched Hermione's eyes follow the memory of her and Harry as they walked out onto the beach.

I orginally thought that Ron was just going to play the song and dance with Hermione in her room. I really like that he took her back to the wedding reception, so that she could be with Harry again.

It was comforting, being held by Ron, and for the first time in months, she was back with her boys.

I love this line. I love how it shows that she doesn't just miss Harry, but she also misses being part of the Trio.

Hermione's gaze remained glued to Harry, and she could have sworn he stared right into her own eyes and mouthed 'I love you.'

Aww. I get goosebumps everytime I read this line. It's so sweet! And sad. My eyes also well up everytime I read it.

You convey the emtions of being sad and lost extremely well through this piece. I'm guessing that at the time you wrote this you were feeling a little sad and lost too. Its great the way that you were able to take these emotions and write a beautiful piece about them.

Great job!


Sins of the Father by TheVault

Rated: Professors • 394 Reviews
Summary: There was something about him that made him irresistible to her. Siobhan Murphy will go to any lengths to ascertain her deepest desires - but when the object of those desires is a married man twice her age with secrets darker than she can imagine, she will find herself caught in a scandalous liaison that she can't walk away from. Not Canon-Compliant.
Reviewer: MerrryD Signed
Date: 08/01/09 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Dangerous Attraction

I’m trying to make up for that crappy review I left you for A Sudden Movement last night . . .

Ugh. This is so fantastic and awesome, I almost don’t know what to say. But, luckily enough I think I can manage something. ;)

First, I just want to comment on how masterful you are with language and using it to capture the reader and draw them into your story. I’m not really into affairs or relationships where one person could be the other’s child. And yet . . . it doesn’t matter. I’m already cheering for Siobhan and excited to see what her plan involving pretending to be interested in Draco is and how it goes . . .

The first paragraph is very intriguing. I like how it’s ambiguous, but obvious at the same time. And I like how extremely attractive the man sounds . . . It’s so general that it could be anyone, except the descriptions are so particular and so exact that we know who you’re talking immediately. It could very easily been written in away that repulsed the reader more than drawing them in, but you do not have that problem. At all.

It’s brilliant the way you didn’t include his age in any of the description until the third paragraph. It’s a subtle and simple way of showing us that the fact that he’s older doesn’t bother Siobhan. Then later you bluntly tell us that she’s okay with the fact that he’d a bit older than her and that she actually prefers it. It’s like you’re preparing us readers for what will happen and weeding out the ones who can’t take it. It works, though, actually adding to the intrigue, by being slightly scandalous and sinful.

The idea of forbidden love and the temptation and guilt that go along with it, as weird as this might seem, are extremely appealing to me. Not to experience in real life . . . though, it would be quite thrilling . . . But, anyway, to read about. Maybe I’m just a horrible person who takes delight in hearing about the latest escapade, but I find it fascinating and really interesting. I’m really excited to keep reading this and finding out what happens. ^_^

Can we talk more about how you are amazing with words and can convince your readers of anything? In the beginning you’ve got us convinced that it’s perfectly natural to be lusting after a man whose almost three times your age and now Draco seems like an annoying, stupid little kid, instead of the dark, mysterious, sexy man that we normal think of him.

You really know how to get in your characters head. Don’t take this the wrong way, but it’s almost like you don’t exist. Like the fact that I’m reading something you’ve written has been buried and lost in the story. It feels more like I’m there with Siobhan and she’s telling me her thoughts. No, that’s not right. It’s more like I’m a camera, for lack of a better word, in her mind. But it’s that I don’t feel like this is a story, it feels so much more real and tangible than that is what I’m trying to get at.

I really like how you introduce characters by their appearance. Like when Harry, Neville, Luna, and Ginny come, you don’t say Harry Potter asked Siobhan blah blah blah. The way you’ve written is much more real and how it’d actually happen. We’re seeing it exactly through Siobhan’s eyes—back to that camera in her head thing.

Hmm. I’m interested to know what part those six are going to play in this story. Obviously, you wouldn’t have brought them into play if they weren’t important . . . And, they were kind of like a reminder that the war was going on. WHICH WAS UTTERLY BRILLIANT. The subtleness and naturalness about everything—just guh! I can’t get over it.

I like how she’s not perfect and we’re already finding that out. I mean, we can guess that she’s attractive and intelligent and ambitious, which I suppose can be both a fault and a virtue, but we also find out that she’s a bit of a loner, too, and doesn’t have many, well, apparently any friends. Which makes her so much more relatable and real.

Also, the general idea of wanting what you can’t have makes her more relatable, too. Except she’s actually going after what she can’t have, and that’s what sets her apart. Well, I guess, the formulating a somewhat elaborate scheme that may or may not work to get what you want is a real thing, too.

The characterization of the Trio & Co. is perfect. I liked Luna’s line about the fairy. :) Harry was appropriately polite; they were all somber and faking okay-ness just like I’d imagine them to. And of course it was Ginny who broke the fakeness.

Everything about this story is love. Epic love, even, because you’re a genius. I do have one small issue with it though, and that’s Draco. He’s just . . . off. I don’t know, he seems too stupid and clueless, y’know? I think that he should be more distant and cool and intelligent. But, it’s the first chapter, so I’m trusting you to build him more and better as they story progresses. ;)

But, yeah. It’s just amazing. I’m so looking forward to the next chapter. You have no idea.

Mere xox

It's Witchcraft by Nicole_Riddle

Rated: 6th-7th Years • 667 Reviews
Summary: When Draco Malfoy finds himself falling for the Gryffindor know-it-all, he convinces himself that it’s merely witchcraft. But when they both finally come to terms with the truth, nothing can stop them from being together. This is a tale of forbidden love and dangerous passion weaved into the Half-Blood Prince, where circumstances beyond their control might tear Draco and Hermione apart forever… Check out the long awaited sequal Fatum Amoris...The Fate of Love about Medea Malfoy and Patrick Potter now appearing in the other pairings section.

Reviewer: MerrryD Signed
Date: 04/24/08 Title: Chapter 4: Secrets

“So, uh, what were you and young Weasleby whispering about?”

hehe. I like how you keep Draco in character. It's nice to read a fic where he doesn't *transform* for Hermione.

A shiver ran down her spine as someone stopped directly behind her. “’The affects of the Irresolutus potion’,” a voice she recognized as Draco’s quoted. “That’s the essay.”

I'm not sure that quoted is the best word here. It reads like "That's the essay." is being quoted. Not that part that acutally is being quoted. And "...a voice she recognized as Draco's quoted." just doesn't flow to me. The wording seems a little off. I think it would flow better if it read, "...quoted a voice she recognized as Draco's."

In all honestly, she didn’t really want to.

Then why did she? I would've liked to see some details about what she say in Draco's eyes that convinced her to go.

She snorted, “No! Honestly, we’re nearly adults, you know.”

That is so like Hermione. But, she's only sixteen. Sixteen-year-olds, studious or not, have hormones and they crave intimate contact. Hermione probably wouldn't have any problems with just snogging.

Much to her relief...

Why? Why is it much to her relief? She let him kiss her, so why would she want it to end?

Gently leaning his forehead to hers, Draco finished, “We can’t get enough of each other.”

I love this line! It's the perfect way to end the chapter.


Reviewer: MerrryD Signed
Date: 04/20/08 Title: Chapter 1: With One Look

Great chapter!

Then it hit him. His thoughts clearly weren’t natural.

I love all the assumptions he makes. Because he's pureblood and a Malfoy he couldn't possibly have feelings for a lowlife Mudblood. It would have to be something she was doing, nevermind she looked at him in fear. :)

If only Potter knew that his girlfriend was desperately after him.

This line made me giggle. :) Draco and his assumptions again. teehee.

I also like how you're switching between Hermione's and Draco's thoughts. It's great to see each of their thoughts regarding each other.

Great Job!

Reviewer: MerrryD Signed
Date: 04/20/08 Title: Chapter 2: Confrontation

It was the first time in her life that she seriously considered skipping class.

This is a great line. It shows us exactly how much Draco is bothering her.

Today he was determined not to look for her, or think about her at all.

Haha. This is like those New Year resolutions not to eat chocolate or something... you break them within ten minutes of making them.

“What was that about?” Ron asked from across the table.

I think it's a little weird that Ron and Harry are so oblivous. Ron may not be great at feelings, but if Draco is affecting Hermione as much as were led to believe, I think he'd notice something. And if Harry is as obsessed with Draco as you are implying then he would most definately notice that Draco's been staring at Hermione all week.

...Zofia was on duty for the match.

Umm... I don't quite understand this part. Hermione is the brightest witch in her year, and a year older than Zofia, so it doesn't seem like Zofia would be that much help. Especially at a Quidditch match where Hermione is going to surrouned by Gryffindors, Ravenclaws, and Hufflepuffs anyway,who would all jump to her defense if Draco tried anything.

I'll also take this time to comment on Zofia's name. So far it fits her very well, she seems to be as wise as a fifthteen-year-old can be (yes I did my research!).

Hermione’s heart sped up...

Is this due to fear or something else? *wink nudge wink*

He could almost see her heart shatter in her eyes.

I love this description. I can clearly see in my head what this and the whole scene look like.

Great job!

Author's Response: \"Zofia was on duty\" it was just that they didn\'t want Hermione to be alone, and even she thought it was ridiculous at the match, that\'s why she left on her own.\r\n\r\nThanks you for doing your research about the name! I generally have some sort of purpose behind my character\'s names, it\'s nice to know someone noticed!

Reviewer: MerrryD Signed
Date: 04/20/08 Title: Chapter 3: It's Witchcraft!

Evidently, the latter had won out.

So Malfoy follows his heart. It's nice to know he has one. :)

“Because you want me,” she mocked his words from the previous day.

Man, she has got courage. I really like how you show her as a brave, courageous girl who says what she thinks, even to Draco.

Logic leaned toward the former, but the current state of his soul almost wished for hurt.

This is so sweet and touching. I felt Draco's inner anguish in when I read this line.

“What are we going to do about this then?”

Ahh.. Hermione. Always the logical thinker.

“Now I wish it were witchcraft,” she snorted. “Because then I could stop it.”

heheheh. He's not that bad, Hermione!

Great chapter!

Dear Lily by chloish

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 219 Reviews

Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs -- These names are known by every person in Hogwarts. These names, and an envelope with a scarlet wax seal bearing the letters: MWPP.

The teachers dread it, the students revel in it...but who are these 'Marauders,' as they are called? That's just it. Nobody knows. Most every prank Hogwarts sees is at the hands of these mysterious Marauders, and the perpetrators always walk free. They could never be caught. You canít catch phantoms.

Lily Evans is just as curious as the next student as to who these Marauders are, but her curiosity is transformed into a hungry need, when she receives a letter herself from a certain Mr. Prongs. [This story is slightly AU, but more on that in the author's note at the end.]

Reviewer: MerrryD Signed
Date: 04/18/08 Title: Chapter 1: Mr. Prongs, indeed.

I love how you opened this fic, in the middle of a prank in the middle of the year. Great chapter!

Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs, indeed.

I love this line. I love the scarcasm and seriousness it portrays. I also love how it just tells the backstory on them. I really like the passage that follows. I adore the idea, that the Marauders are like a phantom and I adore the way you did it.

Professor Chilling-Block. It's a great name. haha. At first I thought it might just be a nickname that all the students called him, but then I realized that it was his actual name. It adds a lot to the light, playful attitude to this chapter and fic.

Good job!

Reviewer: MerrryD Signed
Date: 04/18/08 Title: Chapter 2: A Poignant Letter

Lily found, as she finished reading the scarlet words, her mouth was slightly open. How could a prankster -- a Mr. Prongs -- write such beautiful words? Mr. Prongs! Shouldn’t a writer of such breath-taking letters have a romantic name, like…Nathaniel, or…. Franklin or Alexander? But Mr. Prongs?

This passage is great! I like the incite to Lily's character that we get from it and how it shows that Mr. Prongs is a romantic man, but only to Lily and not in all aspects of his life.

The only problem I have with his is it seems kinda rushed to me. The letter after letter was a great way of passing time, but we missed out on Lily's thoughts on those letters. :(

It was still very good!


Reviewer: MerrryD Signed
Date: 04/18/08 Title: Chapter 3: Pass the Potatoes

Awww... poor Lily. I really felt her embrassement in the Potions class when Sirius was reading her letters. She seemed very IC as well, with the warnings and them whipping out her wand.

The most intelligent thing James Potter had ever said to her was “Pass the potatoes.”

Haha. This line made me laugh out loud.

Poor Lily. I already said that. lol. But she didn't know what was coming did she? James Potter. What a kick in the balls that must have been. :D

Great job!

Reviewer: MerrryD Signed
Date: 04/18/08 Title: Chapter 4: Gregory the Smarmy

Honestly, that boy had a rather low opinion of her.

I love these little witty we remarks we get from Lily's thoughts.

It seems a little OCC to me, the way all her resolve and stubbornness melted away with the arrival of the Invisiblity cloak. It seemed like it went away a little too quickly. I always thought that Lily was a bit more stubborn than that.

And then she gasped at the sight before her.

Ahh... a little cliffie to keep us begging for more. You sure know what you're doing. :)

Awesome chapter!

Reviewer: MerrryD Signed
Date: 04/18/08 Title: Chapter 5: I do.

Awww! I love the ending it's soo sweet. I think this was your best chapter yet. The details were great. I actually felt like I was right there, walking next to Lily on the way to the glade and in the glade.

...with the stunning spell five times.

This seems like a very real feeling. Not that I know what a stunning spell feels like (*sighs* I wish I did. lol.), but it seems like something a magical person would think/say.

As they breached the forest’s edge, Lily noticed that the stag’s gait slowed, and he walked beside her, rather than in front of her. Lily held her breath as she stepped among the trees. Great Oaks, Pines, and Sycamores towered above her as a hazy mist hung above her feet, thick with mystery. As the wind blew, it seemed it was whispering a sort of song, pulling her along, and though Lily was not the type of girl to be easily intimidated, she found she was glad of the presence of the stag beside her. She felt -- odd as it was -- protected with him there.

I love, love, love this passage. It's so full of detail and it really shows you what's going on inside Lily.

Great job, story, and chapter!

My Deliverance by TwinSuns

Rated: Professors • 425 Reviews Past Featured Story
Summary: Voldemort's rising reign of terror, NEWTs, death attempts, a Headship, a tangled affair with James Potter, hilarity, grief, love, secrecy, maddness... it's almost hard to believe that I've survived to graduate. I am Lily Evans, and this is my 7th year.
Reviewer: MerrryD Signed
Date: 05/13/08 Title: Chapter 16: Interlude VII


This chapter was very thrilling and scary. I love how the romance is blended with the dark and angst in your story. I really like the way you do these interludes, where we get to see a bit of the world outside of Lily's perspective.

Children, Frank realized, horrified. The blood seemed to freeze in his veins in that split-second of shock. The Death Eaters were taking the children as hostages.

I literally had chills running up and down my spine as I read this line. And... way to leave us hanging! :)


Pride vs. Prejudice by bittersweet_lullaby

Rated: 6th-7th Years • 55 Reviews
Summary: I remember the first day I saw them together. It was sixth year, before Mum and Dad came and got Padma and me. I was walking up to the Shrieking Shack and I saw them, pressed up against a tree, kissing.

Two sisters; one too proud, one too prejudiced.

Parvati Patil reflects on her sister's girlfriend and how it affected not only her sister's life, but her own as well.
Reviewer: MerrryD Signed
Date: 05/26/08 Title: Chapter 1: Pride vs. Prejudice

Oh wow.

Okay. So. This is the first slash story I've ever read (well first slash fanfic). It was really good.

I can really relate to this story. There are some people that I'm really close to who are lesbian. I didn't rejected them and I don't know anyone who has, but I was always scared to death that someone would/will. I have read and heard about kids being rejected by their parents and family, and everytime it breaks my heart. This story really touched me.

What about Ron Weasley?

lol. Okay, not an "lol" story, I know. But it kinda of sounds like she figured out she was lesbian because she went out with Ron. Which is an "lol" thought.

"Parvati Patil," Padma says, "say hello to Parvati Chang."

This is really sweet. I really like it. It just really touched me.

I accept it.

Ahh. The magic words. :) At least she did. It may have taken her three years, but she finally understood.

Beautiful story.


Reviewer: MerrryD Signed
Date: 05/26/08 Title: Chapter 1: Pride vs. Prejudice

Okay. I just reviewed, lol, but I forgot to mention something.

...Cho's once long, but now short, hair.

This is perfect. Thank you for mentioning this. Thank you for knowing enough to write an accurate story.


The Epic Tale of the Hogwarts Food-fight by Gin_Drinka

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 770 Reviews
Summary: "Some mistakes are too much fun to make just once."

After Lily Evans, Head Girl of Hogwarts, starts a food-fight with James Potter, Head Boy of Hogwarts, they are both given detention for the rest of the year, and are assigned a 'detention journal', which the staff say will help to settle their 'overwhelming and disturbing differences'. We have come across Lily's journal; her take on why the whole affair ever started, her intriguing relationship with one ‘supreme git of the galaxy’, the extents to which she will go for revenge and where it will lead her...

"And if for some unknown reason you come across this, Potter, and the paragraph above does not manage to penetrate your unusually thick head and convince you of my stupendous dislike of you, I hope the following sentence helps: I HATE YOU!"
Reviewer: MerrryD Signed
Date: 04/23/08 Title: Chapter 12: Twenty-sixth detention... and I am NOT jealous!

It’s a relief, actually…

I'm sure it is, Lily, I'm sure it is. :)

It’s drifted somewhere out past Pluto.

haha. I love this line. It made me giggle. :D

This chapter was really good. I love how easy and comfortably the humor flows. It's very natural.

Sophie and Sirius... interesting. Just friends, eh? haha.

Grapes. I'd be more scared that they'd get smushed, than that they'd fall out actually. And not smushed because of that! My school is extremely overcrowed, and the hallways, especially the intersections are hell! Ugg... just picturing smushed grapes everywhere... and grape juice flying with every grape that got smushed. Haha. Actually, it's quite amusing. lol.

I love Lily in your fic. She's relaxed, fun, and hilarious! Not some stiff, tight-ass. I'm glad to see she's warming up to James. She almost admitted to jealous of Tamara. teehee!

Thanks for this, I really needed something light and humorous and this was prefect!


Author's Response: Lol, thanks so much Mere! It\'s got to be natural of course, Lily\'s a natural clown. ;) Thanks! That\'s one of the best compliments. I hate it when things sound forced. Well, at my school we actually had tater-tots all over the ground once... it was gross...

The Curtain Call by Amelia Bedelia

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 421 Reviews
Summary: James and Lily spend their summers together producing plays, though neither are happy about the presence of the other. With James, as the set designer, and Lily, as the actress, tensions run high.
Reviewer: MerrryD Signed
Date: 05/12/08 Title: Chapter 12: The Confession

*Squee!* I am so happy that you finally got to update! :D This is very possibly my favorite story on the site!

She hadn’t actually believedthat it was a dream...

You forgot to put a space between believed and that.


When something belongs to James you actually use 's. You're only suppose to use s' when the noun is plural like girls'. Since James is one person, it should be James's.

I love how you write emotions. When Lily was embrassed, I was blushing, when she was sad, I wanted to cry, and when she was giddy, I felt like jumping around screaming and laughing. It's really amazing how empathic your writing is.

I also love how believable your characters are. I could easliy pictured James getting angry that way and yelling and saying those things. I love how much of a klutz Lily is. I'm a natural klutz too! I really like how obvious Lily's moods are. In the beginning she's frazzeled and confused. Then she's sad, embrassed, and angry with herself and then she's confused again. And the she's deliriously happy, but still a little sad. This chapter sure put me through an emtional rollercoaster!

I think the thing I love the most though, is how I always know exactly what your characters are doing. You describe their movement so well. I think it partly come from having a theatre background. Your used to stage directions, yeah?

James blinked, trying to see where Lily was going with this. “I guess,” he mumbled.

Aww. Poor James. The girl he's in love with thinks he was just acting. :( Also the tension between Lily and James is just fantastic!

“He’s a really great actor,” Lily said, almost sounding as if she were trying to persuade her friends how great of a guy James was. “But he won’t audition for anything.” She smiled sadly. “He’s been helping me with memorizing my lines for the past several weeks… And he can dance!” she added excitedly, suddenly remembering this fact about James. Without so much as a warning, Lily leapt up from her place against the door and sprinted across the floor to her closet. She opened the door with a great deal of enthusiasm and searched through the items hanging up, quickly finding the jacket that she had shoved into the closet the night before.

I love this passage! I think it's my favorite one of the whole chapter. I love the feelings it produces and I love the magic of it and I love the way I can see it.

LOL! Do you think I could have said "I love..." any more in this review?!

Great chapter!


Reviewer: MerrryD Signed
Date: 01/15/08 Title: Chapter 11: Act 1, Scene 5

i have to say, i didnt think id like this story when i first started reading it. but i love it. its amazing and very well written. keep up the good work!

Author's Response: I\'m so glad I was able to change your mind! That\'s my main goal, so I\'m glad you like the story, now!\r\n\r\nThanks for reviewing!\r\n\r\nYours truly,\r\nAmelia Bedelia

Beyond a Christmas Auld Lang Syne by Chiral Roses

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 3 Reviews
Summary: Oliver Wood is alone once again on Christmas Eve. However, when a trip to Diagon Alley reunites him with an old lover he has a renewed love for his past and Christmas in general, while hoping something more is left to come. This is a sweet little story set in all the romantic backdrop that is the Christmas season.
Reviewer: MerrryD Signed
Date: 05/13/08 Title: Chapter 1: Beyond a Christmas Auld Lang Syne

Hey, there! I've come to bring your review count up to two! :)

On the night of Christmas Eve the usual hustle and bustle on the streets of Diagon Alley were replaced by...

"Were" should "was" because you used the collective noun "usual."

As they walked there was an uncomfortable silence between them.

There should be a comma after "walked."

"Do you love him,” Oliver asked softly.

You forgot a question mark here. :) I think you forgot it again when he repeated the question.

Those are my three grammatical nitpicks.

This is a sweet little story set in all the romantic backdrop that is the Christmas season.

Aww. Okay. You had me there. After I read that sentance, there was no way I was not reading this fic.

Aww. This was really sweet. I think you captured the evening very well. There were a few times where your dialogue seemed a little rough and forced, though.

“Whatever you say, but why don’t you go and take the drink to the lady.”

This is an example of that. This sentance just doesn't flow, I think if you played around with the wording a little bit, than you could find something that worked. Maybe something like, "Whatever you say," said Tom, shrugging and placing the drinks on the bar. "Now, hurry up and take these drinks away, you wouldn't want to keep the lady waiting, would you?"

He then came out with the question he wanted to know...

Here's an instance where there was some rough non-dialogue. I'd say something like, Now was the perfect oppertunity to ask the question he'd been dying to ask all night...

I'm sure with a little work, you could iron out all these rough patches and then your story would flow much better and be an easier read.


He quickly turned around to see Katie back standing by the entrance. “Yes?” he asked.

“I just wanted to say, Happy Christmas,” she said with a smile.

“Happy Christmas to you, too,” he replied.

This part was really sweet. It kind of reminded me of Romeo and Juliet, when Juliet calls Romeo back during the balcony scene.

And with a simple crack, he left the snowy streets for the comforts of home, taking with him every wonderful moment of the night he had just shared with his only true love, and hoping that just maybe, another wonderful Christmas with her would be yet to come.

I love this last line. It's the perfect ending to your story. I think it's great how much it sums up the story, but how many doors it opens. It leaves the reader thinking about what'll happen next Christmas between Katie and Oliver.

This is definately a good "Awww!" story. :D Keep it up.

Peace out.


Author's Response: Thank you very much for a very long, very helpful review. More of these sort of reviews are really what we all could use around here! Those little grammatical corrections were very helpful and accurate. I believe I occasionally forget about the existence of the question mark. I know the story didn't always read as flowy as I wanted it to, but I think those awkward dialogue moments were just ways for me to trim the story down so that I wouldn't go off on tangents and completely lose the plot! I know I have trouble with that. Thank you very much for giving me my *second* review. I really appreciate it and your constructive criticisms :)

Things Aren't Always Black and White by padfootsgirl1981

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 392 Reviews
2009 QSQs: Runner-up: Best Romance - Other Character Story

Add together one ladies' man, one Quidditch player, one werewolf, and one soon-to-be traitor. Then, mix in one imaginative idiot, one fiery redhead, one clever Ravenclaw, and one blonde artist. Stir counterclockwise until trouble occurs, and you are dealing with one of the best-loved group of friends in Hogwarts history. Follow the story of the four Marauders and four equally troublesome girls. See them deal with their first encounters of love, sorrow, heartache… and Death Eaters. How will these future Order members cope with the ordeals that life throws at them? Will love blossom in what was once thought a highly unlikely place? What do you do when the person you care about most in the world doesn’t seem to notice you at all? Will a well-kept secret shatter the foundations of a seven-year friendship? Follow the lives of these friends through their last year at school to the dramatic final battle with Lord Voldemort two decades later.

Warnings are for later chapters, and any sexual situations are very minor.

Chapter Twenty Two: "The Snakes Strike" is in the queue. Excerpt:

Perfume filled his nostrils as Emma walked passed and Rosier’s gaze lingered on her bare, pale legs as the group headed outdoors. “Don’t you just love summer?” he inquired of Regulus, a hungry sneer lighting his face.

“This is ridiculous,” Regulus announced in a furious whisper, “we’re never going to get them alone!”

“Have faith, Black,” commanded Rosier smoothly. “Girls are well renowned for their desire for girly chats. I’m sure they’ll slip off the shackles of their chaperones soon enough.”

Reviewer: MerrryD Signed
Date: 04/13/08 Title: Chapter 8: Chapter 7 - Aftermath

I really like how you show the Slytherin side of the story. In most of the fanfics I've read, granted it hasn't been in many, but they don't take the time to really build the Slytherins. Great job!

Author's Response: Why thank you! I love writing them, they don\'t make appearances very often but I like being able to show their side of the story. Thanks so much for the review!