*snicker* That's a lovely continuation. I love the comment about the ministry removing Percy's stomach so he could devote more time to work. And Charlie combing his hair repeatedly? Lovely. Now you've got some more writing to do. Get to work.
Sorry, but I'm going to leave you the most pointless review of all... UPDATE NOW!!! Quit writing everything else and work on this. Quit modding, and write this story. Quit reading my story, for crying out loud, and work on this story.
This is some good writing. I love the way you set Charlie up, and Hermione too... They're just so TIRED. And now you need to get on your computer, or however it is that you write, and go fix them.
Author's Response: -throws confetti and dances around with mandy's review- I'm so glad that you liked this, because I fangurl your stuff, and so that's such a compliment. I feel their tired emotions every time I read this. I'm still shocked that it came out of my fingers and tapped itself out onto my computer. -quits modding, quits reading Healing Auras II- (which isn't hard as there hasn't been a new chapter in like...a week) -waits for the PtS muse to reveal more story to her-
Yup, I'd say that's sad, all right. Ack. What is it with you people tonight, making me read and review and concrit dark and sad and angsty pieces?! Bah.
That said, it's very nicely done. The flashbacks are very appropriately chosen and placed. And yeah, if sad was what you were after, I'd say you got there.
I think maybe the swing flashback could be better. I think I understand why you chose a moment like that. You've got to help the characters transition from the antagonistic pair at school to a pair of young lovers. But there are some little bits that just aren't quite ringing right for me. For example:
“I was hoping – that maybe – I know I’ve been awfully cruel to you – but it’s - It’s nice to hear,” she stuttered nervously, taking a step closer to him. She could hear his breathing; it was so light, so calm…
I'm trying to put my finger on why this doesn't sound like the Lily in my head. I think it might be the use of the word cruel. I don't see Lily as having the capacity to be cruel, not really. Interestingly, I think you've done a better job of capturing James in this little flashback than Lily. My sense is that he changed more than she did, and you show that well.
The naming flashback is quite nice. I'll spare you and not tell you who my children are named after! ::wink:: Nice writing.
Author's Response: You know, I never really liked the swing scene ... I didn't think I captured Lily very well in it either, to be honest. But, I know that I personally only get emotional about death when I can see an emotional part of life, so I thought that I needed flashbacks in order to make it upsetting. If it was just "Voldemort-burts-into-the-room-and-"Avada-Kedavras"-James-into-oblivion" it wouldn't get very much sadness. And actually, about the names, it's kind of ironic because I love both of those names and my little brother was almost named Silas! Thank you for the review, Poultrygeist - it's very appreciated.
She made me want to cry. You make me want to cry too! Yipes! You do a lovely job in this chapter of capturing the desperate emotions of this boy. I don't in my own mind want to connect this boy with the adult Snape, but you're going to make me, aren't you? Nice job.
Author's Response: I sure hope I can make you! Teehee. Thank you very much.
Severus was only too happy to take advantage of the inclement weather and enjoy the luxury of taking a walk unfettered by idiots attempting to irritate him. I love this sentence. It is wonderfully in-character.
He had forgotten his homework, forgotten Hogwarts, forgotten everything. Forgotten, even, that moments like this did not really happen. And yet, it was happening.*giggles* I love this! I love this feeling! Of the world dropping away while you are suddenly immersed in the experience of a moment! Delightful!
Poor Severus with his rough sheets! I would think that Slytherin House could do better than that! And grumping about frivolous girls. I really enjoyed this piece.
Author's Response: Thank you!
Yay! *claps hands in glee* Very nicely written.
Author's Response: Thank you.
I've got this mental image of Salazar sitting in a dark corner of a pub saying, "My ass twitches. You people make my ass twitch." What a perfectly grumpy old codger!
Author's Response: *giggles*
ooooo.... sneaky little cuss!
Author's Response: I know!
*dies laughing* Brava!
Author's Response: I bet you\'re not dying as much as I was when I wrote it! LOL
I'm speechless. Nice job.
Wait! What did you do to Luna?! That wasn't part of the deal!
A magical muggle, huh? Hmm... curious... More, please!
Author's Response: *snorts* Whatever happens to Luna is up to me. It's in fine print on this here contract. *conjures up a contract*
Magical Muggle was a spur-of-the-moment creation. *hugs the Magical Muggle*
Thanks for your review!
the table, a small square that did the elegant dining room no justice. I love that little descriptive detail. Slytherin poster boy... *Snort*
Draco's going to apologize? I can't wait to see this!
So quietly, the Ministry began to kill any and all individuals bearing the green snake on his forearm. Creepy!
Nice job. I'm looking forward to the next installment.
Yup. I still just really love this piece. Kudos!
Author's Response: Thank you. Am so glad you supported the original and still like it with the changes. I was so surprised because your review notification was first in my email. I had no idea it had been posted. *tears and hugs* PDRSJ56 02/19/07
Interesting. Yes, I agree that you've got Snape IC. I have to wonder, though, whether this is more fanfiction or autobiography?
Author's Response: Hermione\'s pushing herself in school is certainly taken from RL (and you know me well enough that I can\'t pretend otherwise), but beyond that... it\'s more story than most of my other work! Thanks for the review, Mandy!