As they drew closer to the walls they could see the buildings that skirted the harbour were just ruins and had not been inhabited for many years. Old cottages with roofs that had long since disintegrated were home to assorted wildlife. There were the rotting hulls of abandoned boats by the water’s edge, their aged wood beaten into submission by the unsympathetic elements.
What delightful imagery! I don’t know if you’re describing a real place or an imagined one, but your description is so clear that I’m no longer sure whether this is a place I’ve been or a place you took me.
they made for unusual viewing Fortunately
Oops! Another missing period.
*gets lost in story, forgets to make notes*
The chair itself was violently upholstered in dark pink velvet and appeared to hover without any visible means of support.
a huge Persian rug . . . As she watched it she could have sworn the corner twitched
I adore these fun little details! I could go on and on, but I want to get to the next chapter!
*Giggles* I'm back for more! A little dose of magic before I plunge into the day's work.
Are my eyes getting tired, or are you missing a period at the end of your first paragraph?!
I love Fin! I want to read his dialogue over and over again. I could picture him instantly, the salty old Irish fisherman.
Watching someone sleep is indeed a very intimate thing. You handle that moment very nicely.
The owl and Snape glared at each other as if coming to an instant and mutual loathing for reasons neither could fathom.
Isn’t this a tasty little tidbit?! A bit of foreshadowing, I wonder?
“You may argue to your heart’s content at another time but we are not alone here and we need to maintain awareness and our senses.”
A piece of good advice, if ever there was!
Ah Maeve, you truly are magical! What a yummy treat you've laid out here! My review is a random collection of notes I took as I read. I shall endeavor to make them sensible...
Dull, heavy clouds spread across the expanse of sky, filling every last inch and giving the land beneath a claustrophobic feel.
Beautiful imagery! I know this feeling. As if the sky is closing in on you, and everything is closer than it ought to be… You use wonderful imagery throughout, just this was one of the first that caught my eye.
Perhaps the colour of her own life had drained from her and bled into her surroundings, leaving her a pale imitation of the wallpaper.
This bit of imagery didn't flow as cleanly as many of your other descriptions. I had to think about it a bit. (Heaven forbid!) After I chewed on it for a while, though, I think I got it figured out. Maeve's rooms are brighter than she is. Perhaps reflecting an inner beauty, or a happier former self.
Liam however had other ideas and was being very tight-lipped about the argument that had preceded Malachy Meany’s departure.
Need commas around however: Liam, however, had other ideas...
“No.” The conversation so newly begun ended abruptly.
What a beautifully awkward moment!
I love the unfolding of the character of Maeve as she changes her clothes and puts on jewelry.
Well, you've got me hooked. You are such a wicked witch! But I've learned my lesson. No more staying up all night to read many long chapters. I'll just have to ration them out...
OK, I'm hooked. I stopped skimming somewhere around chapter 5. It might be time for the author to quit taking extended vacations and get back to writing!
Author's Response: Hehehe, not only did I get you to read, you got yourself a screen name and reviewed! And I like that... you were skimming? Ha! Well, I've got you hooked now, and I warn you, I'm the gateway drug to bigger and better stories!
All together now ... AWWWWWWwwwww! Nicely done.
Bah! And you called me evil! How could you leave Ginny hanging like that! I've got an actual tear hanging here! I know you'd like to see a real review with some constructive criticism, but I've got none to offer. Keep up the good work!
Wow! I am amazed at your characterization of Ron and Draco. First person is extremely difficult to write well and believeably, and you've captured both of these VERY different characters beautifully. I still don't buy the ship, but very well written!
What fun! That was a very enjoyable read. I love the idea of gargoyles having a guild, and being embarassed by non-distinguished passwords. hee hee hee. I thought you had Dumbledore beautifully in character. Although, part of me could see him pausing for the occasional game of chess with a gargoyle.
You might consider using a beta to help proof-read for grammar and word usage. Mostly your writing is very clean and easy to read, but there are a few nit-picky things that could be cleaned up. I see others have picked up the specifics, so I'll spare you. ;) Keep up the good work!
OMG! Amazing chapter! Update Now! I totally
Author's Response: *snorts* Hope you don\'t plan on submitting this one to SPEW...
Thanks for the heads-up about the rape scene. I appreciated the opportunity to skip that. I agree that it is important to help drive the story, and it helps me understand motivation, and so forth. I am very interested to see where you take this story. You've set up a lovely bunch of opportunities for yourself and your story -- don't blow it, OK? ;)
I loved the bit at the end of this chapter with the owls. Hee hee.
Thanks for letting me in on this one.
Author's Response: Thank-you. I'm well aware of your opinions on the subject matter, but then we're agreed... so I'm particularly glad to see that you found it justified in this case. I'm also glad that you took a moment to read this and that you're enjoying it ;) I'll try not to blow it!
How delightful! This just keeps getting better and better. I loved the little touches like Arthur quizzing Rhea on the finer points of video games, Ginny accidentally turning Rhea's hair green, the collegiality between Snape and Hermione, bun-bun... The list goes on indefinitely. For some reason it feels as if I've read parts of this chapter before. Perhaps it's because it's been so long since the other chapters, but I distinctly remember Sara and Rhea entering Diagon Alley. So I think maybe the flashback scenes to Harry threw me off a bit. I think I'm going to need to read this fic straight through when you get it finished. (Except that one chapter. I might skip that one.)
All told, a marvelous addition to your story! 10/10
What an interesting perspective. I love Neville Longbottom, and his grandmother has always reminded me of my own a little. The first paragraph is particularly charming. I love how she looks down on the W.I., while at the same time is doing exactly what members of the W.I. do!
I'm wondering a bit about Micklefield and Clinker. I can see why they wouldn't want to break their news, but it seemed odd to me that they would sit down for tea and biscuits first. Especially since they don't seem to know Mrs Longbottom.
"I put down my cup and saucer carefully to avoid spilling anything on the new Axminster carpet and faced them with as much dignity as I could muster in the circumstances." I thought the mundane details were lovely. It's interesting how in crisis we notice and remember the oddest things. Your description of Alice and Frank is poignant and heart-breaking. I was especially moved by your description of Frank: "Frank had turned into my little boy again. He was sleeping soundly with his arms flung wide just as he used to. A dribble of saliva had escaped from his mouth and I pulled out my clean handkerchief to wipe it away."
*The reviewer pauses to wipe away another tear.*
One last thing caught my eye. In the last paragraph Mrs Longbottom waits to pick up Neville. My first impulse was that you'd made a mistake, but upon reflection it's a debatable point. It seems to me that a woman who has just lost her son into insane limbo, but found that her grandson is unharmed, would immediately pick that baby up and cuddle him. I can see that you're working to set up the distance that develops between Neville and his grandmother, but it seems to me that even the vulture-hat-lady could show one moment of emotion before she closes back up again.
Thank you for an enjoyable read!
An interesting, but problematic premise. It is rather out-of-character for Dumbledore to have kept (or even made) a second philosopher's stone, don't you think? You might want to consider reading PS and OotP again. There are some wonderful moments in those two stories particularly that might help you tweak your characterization of Dumbledore. For example, it is unlikely that he would call anyone a "nerd" even in his own mind.
"...said Mr Basford, through his small spectacles, whilst twitching his humongous moustache" Do you mean that he is speaking through his spectacles? How odd, most people look through them. Perhaps it would have been better to say something like, "...said Mr Basford, peering through his small spectacles..."
You have some issues with run-on sentences. Here is one: "There are two types of philosopher’s stone: the first having been created by an alchemist in order to turn any matter into any object as well as give it’s beholder eternal life; the second being a tool of a philosopher, and only a true philosopher, wise enough to use it in battle." A good beta could help you catch those.
You have some potential as a writer. Be careful not to let your emotions cloud your judgement. Our stories are our work, or possibly our play, but they are not our babies. Don't forget to keep a sense of humour about your work.
Love, Dr. Poultry
This was just the bit of light humour I needed tonight, thank you so much! The potion was an interesting ploy to give yourself the opportunity to write Snape out of character a bit. I loved it when he broke into tears because he was a virgin until the age of 34. Hee hee hee! I'm not sure I buy Neville snapping at the end and yelling at Snape, but it was still good for a laugh!
Author's Response: Thank you! I had a lot of help from a friend with this story. She guided me through each part and helped me to make it ten times better than it originally was. Many thanks to her! And thanks for reviewing. :)
Fun Fun Fun! I loved Professor Sprout with a hip flask, and Albus and Minerva getting it on. Shagadelic. Very funny.
What an interesting plot. The Draco-as-ex is a funny moment, but I really like the idea of these two girls bumping into each other for years and never before having noticed the potential for love in each other. I think you've got some potential for building this into an interesting character-study story. I think that you will be more successful in executing this plot if you take some time to get the girls back in character. Readers will be more likely to accept this out-of-character ship if the girls stay closer to their natures. For example, you've got Hermione bored and in a dead-end job. Hermione is never bored, she would never allow herself to be. Even if she was in a job she didn't like she would invent ways to keep busy --- perhaps reorganizing the filing system if nothing else presented itself. You use some unusual phrasings. You might want to have a beta check your next chapter before submitting it. And I noticed a few nit-picky spelling things, like "Weasley" (instead of "Weasly"). And you might hook readers more effectively with a better-phrased first sentence. "Hermione had changed very much in her teenage years." Try something like, "Hermione was no longer the bushy-haired child who arrived at Hogwarts an eager eleven-year-old." Good luck! Keep writing! I can't wait to see where you take this unusual pairing.
What a lovely piece of writing. I think you've captured Lupin beautifully. I love that he ends with hope. And the shabby gentility is perfect. I also like his inner dialog as he looks forward to meeting Harry. I don't think most of the kids realize that the adults feel this same nervous anticipation.... Just lovely.
Author's Response: Thanks for reading, A.! I do love getting into the hearts of the big people for just the reason you mention. I'm 34 myself and always wondering, "When am I gonna grow out of this?" We hopefully learn to deal with our feelings (love, anticipation, fear, hope, etc) as we get older and sometimes to suppress them, but we still have them.
I'm not going to bother reading the other reviews. That was beautiful. It made me ache. The repeating refrain seems to still be hanging in the air around me .... "For Padma's Sake."
Author's Response: Thank you for reading it. Thank you... for Padma's sake.
... And also for the sake of all the anorexic girls out there, and for their friends, who know the pain of watching.
Very funny! Don't mind me. I just thought I'd stop by and scope out your writing...
Author's Response: Thank you very much! Humor is not usually a place that I hang out, but this was a lot of fun for me! I\'m glad you enjoyed it and feel free to scope it out!
What an interesting and enjoyable start to your story! "'Lily?’ he asked with his mind. The thing that was contacting him appeared to be nodding in agreement. So Lily was still there, not ready to rest peacefully until she was certain that Harry was safe. Typical of Lily. Sirius felt a twinge of guilt as Harry crossed his mind. He failed to protect his best friends’ son. " I thought this bit was particularly lovely. That the first people Sirius should meet behind the veil were Lily and James was very reassuring.
"The sound of footsteps echoing all around him broke the transmission. It sounded as though he had entered an empty chamber." I thought that this was a particularly effective description of the place Sirius moves to. But I will admit that I'm very unclear on whether he has moved, or whether the space around him has shifted, or whether perhaps he is just thinking something different.
"For a moment he saw Harry’s sorrow-stricken face and he knew that he had to do something." Towards the end of this chapter you get a bit melodramatic. This description doesn't match the brave and noble Sirius I remember from Order of the Phoenix. It also doesn't match the tone you set up at the beginning of your chapter. As you continue your story (or edit this chapter) you might find it helpful to ask someone to help you edit it for consistency. Good luck! I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this!