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Zoheb [Contact]
10/30/06




So, thou hast resorted to alighting on Zoheb's author page? BWAHAHAHA...! Thou shalt never leave this place of nightmares eternal; my hypnotic powers COMPEL you to stay!
...
Still here? Good, I thought that you had left already. Thats what a sensible person would do anyway... which would mean that you are not a sensible person! Good for you! You sound like the sort of person I like to know.

Now, things can only get wierder from here, so just remember that all you have to do is press backspace and you'll be reasonably safe.

SCOREBOARD:Zoheb : 2, Mods: 3

Now then, *rubs hands together* on to the unnecessary personal information! Huzzar!

Name: Chuckles the Flying Skull... no, I'm just joking- or am I?

Date of Birth: 26-10-1992

Lunatic Rating: Not first class. Harmless and taciturn... but only when sleeping.

Personality: Not a very pleasant person. Very emotional and angers easily. Has strange moments when all logic seems to be thrown out the window. Proceed with caution.

Nationality: Bangladeshi. We used to be in first place for Most Corrrupt Country... but no longer. THEY STOLE IT FROM US: OUR PRECIOUS! *Gollum! Gollum!*

Religion: Islam. I like it, so there!

Physical description: What's it to you?

Favorite Activities: Being wierd and random; being taciturn and boring; being intelligent and sarcastic; playing Strategy Games; listening to good music; reading fantasy, crazy sci-fi, general science fiction, thrillers, comedies, comics; sketching; and (My favorite) staring into the distance, silent in my thoughts (Mostly involving apocalyptic battles with lots of lovely dragons slaughtering each other, with the odd horror of Hell thrown in here and there).

Favorite literature: The Lord of the Rings, the Silmarillion, the very inaccurately named Hitchhikers Trilogy, Angels and Demons, Harry Potter, Jurassic Park, Congo, Life of Pi, The Ruby in the Smoke, The Shadow in the North, The Tiger in the Well, The Tin Princess, To Kill a Mockingbird, the Old Kingdom Trilogy, Discworld, AVENGER, P. G. Wodehouse, JOB: A Comedy of Justice, The Wheel of Time series.

Favorite comic series: Asterix

Favorite bands: Opeth, Dream Theater, Tool, Liquid Tension, Porcupine Tree, Pink Floyd, Helloween, A Perfect Circle, In Flames, Queensryche. The full list is quite exhaustive.

Favorite poem: 'Oh freddled gruntbuggly’ (Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz)

Favorite qoutes:


"I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed"- Marvin (The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy)

"Your weasels are untied!"- Rejwanul Islam

"BWAHAHAHAHA (So ad infinitum)"- Any evil lord worth his salt.

"These Romans are crazy!"- Obelix (Asterix)

"What'cha got for me, Billy-bob? "- Myself (Oh, how I long to use it in a proper conversation!)

"Go away: I'm alright..."- H. G. Wells (Last words)

"I'm gaseous, invisible... and deadly"- Undead Shade (Warcraft 3: TFT)

"If there's only one nation in the sky, then shouldn't all passpors be valid for it?"- Piscine Molitor Patel (Life of Pi)

Thank you for taking an interest. By now you should have realized that all your efforts have been for naught, because sleazes like me are running amock all over the place. 'Tis a sad, sad reality of the world.
You can talk to me on msn if you feel like it- just don't bother me too much.

I have decided that you can only be allowed to speak to me after you answer these simple (Oh, don't you just wish they were!) questions:

A) If I were to peel a potato, would I sing "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" or "Take this Life' as I peel it?
B) How many wildebeests am I holding up?
C) Complete this sentence: "Hello, my name is Voldemort and my favorite Pokemon is [Insert name here]".
D) If London was a giant cucumber, then what would Dhaka be? (This is the most important question of them all).
E) Have you ever dreamt about cottage cheese with onions- and a side-order of tuna casserole?
F) Are you still here?
G) Suggest a good name for the star actor in the movie "The Last Dodo Hero."
H) "Dolores Umbridge is so blazin' hot"- if that thought is crossing your mind right now, then stay the Niflheim away from me.

Mail me with the answers, and I will decide whether you are worthy... or else you will be blocked with a titanium wall... bwahahaha...

Goodbye, young rhinoceros: may you graze long and well.

Oh...! As I leave you, I would just like you to read this little ditty I cooked up *clears throat*:
"Oh, Switzerland/ How I dream of thee...!/ Where the sun doth shine,/ and the chocolate is free...!"

CUT! Aaannd that's a wrap!


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Stories by Zoheb [1]
Reviews by Zoheb [166]
Favorite Authors [7]
Zoheb's Favorites [15]
Favorite Stories


Yelling Yourself Yellow With Yetis by Tim the Enchanter

Rated: 6th-7th Years • 11 Reviews
Summary: What happens when you mix the Chinese military, Magizoologists, militant animal rights activists, Tibetan nationalists, wizarding bureaucrats, and a mad escaped yeti (besides chaos)?

You yell yourself yellow of course! Whatever that means

But seriously, this is the alternately sober and stupid story of a yeti’s bid for freedom and the madness that ensues. Rated 6-7th Years for substance abuse (Magic Pixie Dust, anyone?), colourful swearing in four different languages (English, German, Spanish, and Mandarin!), and MAD YETI VIOLENCE!

Becoming a Dark Lord by FinalCow

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 118 Reviews
Summary: Voldemort knows it's great being the Dark Lord; it's a position he wants to keep. But even the most malevolent maniac can't stand when the forces of fashion conspire against him! A tale of organized mayhem.

The Summer of Ninety Seven by SevenAndMoreToGo

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 91 Reviews
Summary: Post-HBP, a lot of developments have begun to take place. While Harry is preparing himself for the big battle, You-Know-Who and his two-minded servant are too....So you have him bursting in the scene everywhere - in the wedding, in Mundungus' den, in Godric's and even in JKR's mansion...



For is a crazy universe where the real and literary worlds coexist - and the only person who hasn't read book 6 is none other than - Lord Voldemort!



Warning: severe OOCness



And what do readers say about it?



"HAHAHAHAHAHA! This is amazing! I love stories about Voldemort, and this one definitely does him justice. You have a wonderful sense of humour..."



Schmerg_the_Impaler, reknowned author of "The Dark Lord's Blog"



Chapter 3: Marital Mayhem…Part 4...The Last Leg…(the second last chapter) is waiting in line!

The E-Journal of an Evil Janitor by Schmerg_The_Impaler

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 256 Reviews
Summary: It's the sequel to "The Dark Lord's Blog," guys! (And girls... and, I don't know, gender-neutral people and centaurs and walruses and parameciums and shrubs and stuff.)

Several months have passed since Filch came into possession of Voldemort's magical powers, and he has taken over Hogwarts.

With Filch serving as The Dark Lord Snoogerblossom, the position of Hogwarts caretaker/janitor is open. Seeing as Voldemort wants his magical powers back, he and his extremely attractive new sidekick, Mungo Phelps, go undercover at Hogwarts, with Mungo posing as a transfer student and Voldemort posing as the new janitor. Wacky high-jinks ensue.

Join Voldemort as he tries to get back his magic, kill Harry Potter, steal Gryffindor's sword to make a shiny new Horcrux, romance Minerva McGonagall, discover Sirius's secret to becoming a chick magnet, and swallow a teaspoon of his pride to mop up spills the Muggle way and wear an unflattering uniform! WARNING: Extremely silly and very out-of-character.

If you haven't read "The Dark Lord's Blog," well, what are you doing? GO READ IT NOW! Just click on my author name and you'll be directed to my chaotic author page, which lists all my wacky stories.

This is on hiatus, dudes. Ooh! But it was twice nominated by nice (and insane) people for the Best Humour Fic award in the Quicksilver Quills thingy!

Also, some wonderful loony nominated Mungo Phelps for Best Male OC, making him if possible even more conceited! (No one had the heart to tell Mungo that he was designed as an example of a terrible OC.)


EXCITING NEWS! "The E-Journal of an Evil Janitor" is now continued as a Twitter blog! Go to Twitter dot com and find thedarklord666. Voldy's waiting!

The Harry Potter Literary Storm by Mind_Over_Matter

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 197 Reviews
Summary: The Harry Potter Literary Storm has caused quite the sensation around the world, JK Rowling’s magnificent series of books touching the hearts of people of all ages. But what if Harry Potter was never written by JK Rowling in the first place? What if another genius was behind it?

Many thanks to the fantastic people who nominated this story for the Quicksilver Quills: Best Humour Fiction award. I'm truly flattered.

Chapter Seven, Part Five is now up - yes, that is the final chapter!

Henry Potty and the Pet Rock: A Harry Potter Parody by Valerie Frankel

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 6 Reviews
Summary: Catastrophe strikes Chickenfeet Academy, and it’s not just the cafeteria food. Lord Revolting, murderous goldfish-flusher, needs Really Wimpy’s pet rock to conquer the world! While battling him with squirt guns and cheesy how-to guides, Henry Potty aces Hobology, preps for America’s Funniest Fairygodchildren, and tries to avoid laundering Professor Snort’s dreaded hankies, or worse, watching A History of Cabbages in Polish. All the while, the least likely character watches, coveting the pet rock for her own sneaky agenda. What part does Socks the parrot, wisecracking pet of Headmaster Bumbling Bore, play in all this? Will Revolting dare the ultimate villainy and spoil the book? Will this novel waste your entire morning? There’s only one way to know…

Unapproved, unendorsed, unofficial, and unstoppable: an award-winning parody for all the Harry Potter kids out there.

The Dark Lord's Blog by Schmerg_The_Impaler

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 1355 Reviews Past Featured Story
Summary: What does Lord Voldemort do in his spare time? Well, that's an excellent question. Who would have known that the Dark Lord has a blog? (He also has a loyal following of readers, most of whom are Death Eaters and who post their comments.) Voldemort dispenses advice on everything from murder methods to germ protection to Power Rangers to shoes, and gives an account of the life of an evil overlord. But is he posting too much personal information online? And will Harry read it and find out more about the Dark Lord than Voldemort ever intended? Read and see.


WARNING: Extremely OOC behaviour from almost all.


RUNNER-UP in the 2007 Quicksilver Quills Awards for Best Humour fic! Also nominated like 21 times, because apparently my readers are as insane as I am!


Magorian by The Savant

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 131 Reviews
Summary: Lowbrow. High-concept. Medium rare. Magorian's back, and he's here to stay! A/N: All right, who stole all my exclamation points!?