I will begin by saying that I am utterly addicted to sun-dried tomatoes. You know, the ones you get in jars? Yes, those ones. I eat them with a fork straight out of the jar, the same way I would drink milk from the carton. If I liked milk, that is. Which I don't.
I do the same with olives.
Odd, you ask? Then again, maybe you don't ask, maybe you are already charging the stun-guns and have made my bed up in the mental institute, complete with screw-down chairs and any variety of sedatives.
But we're digressing . . . I say 'we,' but really I mean 'I,' as you are the silent listener, just as you might be (and I, for that matter) in one of Browning's poems. I shan't have liked to have been married to the Duke, though I suppose if I were Lord Voldie I would as then I would forever be immortalized. But I would be dead, which I suppose is a downside . . .
You may very well think me mad. But if you knew me (which I am guessing you don't, as many of you are either from the tea-drinking land of Great Britain, where I am from, or from the latte-drinking land of America, where I have lived, and I am now in the beer-drinking-wherever-possible-whenever-possible-land of Bonnie Australia) you would believe this to be quite normal. Sadly, I am not normal, and neither are those who know me, for even ten minutes in my presence can turn the most normal person into someone completely and utterly non-normal. Indeed, you may well already feel the tendencies of insanity and lunacy coming on. If this is the case, please feel free to see our house-expert in this area, Dr Luna Lovegood (Please take a number and wait in our waiting room, where there are enough copies of Crochet Monthly to turn anyone mad . . .
I am currently wearing a crotched hat, jumper, trousers, stilettos and even underwear. As you can see, I have spent many a day in that waiting room, that can only be described as a cross between a retirement village and the audience of The Jerry Springer Show . . .
Springer Show has a certain sibilance to it, much like my most beloved character, Severus Snape. He is by far the most interesting character, and I am a proud sailor of the Hermione/Severus ship, and why I have not yet written a fanfic surrounding this is beyond me, but then again I am wearing crotched knickers . . .
That is a rather scary image, and I do apologize for that. Another scary image is that of Raegan in The Exorcist Director's Cut going down the stairs backwards like a crab when everyone is fooled into thinking that it is the bed being moved by the possessed Raegan again that is making all of the thumping noises . . .
Yes, my name is Tickled Pink and I am a horror movie addict. This is my first meeting at HMAA (Horror Movie Addicts Anonymous) and I look forward to meeting with you all in the future, unless of course I am possessed by the devil, wake up in a room with my leg chained to a bathtub, start seeing dead people, sign up as the caretaker of a hotel abandoned for the winter, invoke the help of Hannibal Lector to help me catch another deranged yet brilliant murderer, or watch a movie ending with a lovely telephone call from Samara informing me of my regretful yet imminent death in seven days, unless I email her chain mail to everyone in my contact list within that time, in which case I will have good luck for the next seven days. If any of the above do occur, I am very sorry, but my absence just could not be helped.
To ensure all of my lovely fans that I am not just some weird horror movie freak, I also love huskies, snowboarding, lazy days spent in bed with a book and tea while it is raining outside, hedgohogs, compliments from strangers, writing, the movie Wimbledon, houses that are hundreds of years old with a history, my new red shoes, the first snow of the season, English, Irish and Scottish accents, sunflowers, British comedy from the eighties and nineties, Jack Johnson, willow trees, Harry Potter, my biology class (hilarious people), that moment when you don't care whose watching, let yourself go, and dance, people who plant Oak trees for the next generation, the author John Marsden, my pet snake named Monty (well, I thought I was being original when I was ten), Johnny Depp, Grey's Anatomy, my dog's reaction when I am the first one home, the colour red, and, of course, Crochet Monthly, but then again, I am quite mad . . .
I belong in Alice In Wonderland.
At the Mad Hatter's tea party of course. I am, after all, British.
1st-2nd Years • 601 Reviews
This is an alternate version of Book Seven. Harry reluctantly returns to Hogwarts to train with a new DADA teacher, one appointed in specifically for Harry in Dumbledore's will. As the rest of the Wizard World reacts to Dumbledore's defeat, Harry develops the skills he needs to fulfill the Prophecy--including mastery of the Kedavra curse.
Mysteries are explored along the way, particularly the "missing 24 hours" from 1981--the span of time between Hagrid taking Baby Harry from the ruins of Godric's Hollow on Halloween Night, and his arrival to hand off Baby Harry on Privet Drive the following night. The Veil Room in the Department of Mysteries is also revisited. A traitor is uncovered, and Dumbledore's wisdom comes into question. And even when all goes as planned, things are not all they seem.
6th-7th Years • 1510 Reviews
Summary: 2008 QSQ Awards Runner-up for Best Post-Hogwarts
Harry defeated Voldemort. Harry married Ginny. Harry and Ginny had five children. Harry disappeared. My name is Lily Potter, and this is the story of what happened when my father returned after six years missing to find my mother about to re-marry. This is the story of myself, my crazy family, and most of all, this is the story of my parents and the man who tried to come between them. (pre-Deathly Hallows)
"Oh, I can so
die happy now!" -Sirius Potter
1st-2nd Years • 256 Reviews
It's the sequel to "The Dark Lord's Blog," guys! (And girls... and, I don't know, gender-neutral people and centaurs and walruses and parameciums and shrubs and stuff.)
Several months have passed since Filch came into possession of Voldemort's magical powers, and he has taken over Hogwarts.
With Filch serving as The Dark Lord Snoogerblossom, the position of Hogwarts caretaker/janitor is open. Seeing as Voldemort wants his magical powers back, he and his extremely attractive new sidekick, Mungo Phelps, go undercover at Hogwarts, with Mungo posing as a transfer student and Voldemort posing as the new janitor. Wacky high-jinks ensue.
Join Voldemort as he tries to get back his magic, kill Harry Potter, steal Gryffindor's sword to make a shiny new Horcrux, romance Minerva McGonagall, discover Sirius's secret to becoming a chick magnet, and swallow a teaspoon of his pride to mop up spills the Muggle way and wear an unflattering uniform! WARNING: Extremely silly and very out-of-character.
If you haven't read "The Dark Lord's Blog," well, what are you doing? GO READ IT NOW! Just click on my author name and you'll be directed to my chaotic author page, which lists all my wacky stories.
This is on hiatus, dudes. Ooh! But it was twice nominated by nice (and insane) people for the Best Humour Fic award in the Quicksilver Quills thingy!
Also, some wonderful loony nominated Mungo Phelps for Best Male OC, making him if possible even more conceited! (No one had the heart to tell Mungo that he was designed as an example of a terrible OC.)
EXCITING NEWS! "The E-Journal of an Evil Janitor" is now continued as a Twitter blog! Go to Twitter dot com and find thedarklord666. Voldy's waiting!
1st-2nd Years • 15 Reviews
Summary: Once (when all the world was colored in brightness, and the rising of the sun in the morning meant a new day) she planted a garden with the man she loved best in the world. As her child grew within her body she knelt on the cool earth of the garden and promised her son that there would be a world (shining, golden bright) for him to live in.
Alice Longbottom cannot remember anything. Neville can.
Professors • 659 Reviews
Hermione wants to learn Occlumency, but Snape isn't known for doing favors out of sheer kindness. Both may learn something unexpected before it's all over...
This is a Book Five canon fic, hopefully fun and poignant. Enjoy.
3rd-5th Years • 785 Reviews
In the wake of the Final Battle, the Order has opened Headquarters to house its youngest members during a summer of Ministry-sponsored social events. With Snape as a chaperone, and engaged to another woman, the advent of a busy Hermione, determined to see her friends in love-matches, can only be a recipe for disaster.
6th-7th Years • 974 Reviews
The dust has settled and the final battle is over now that Harry has defeated Voldemort for the last time......Harry is eager to get on with the rest of his life and is feeling kind of spontaneous, so why not get married?.... Tomorrow....... Mainly Harry/Ginny with some Ron/Hermione Rated for sexual references
Professors • 260 Reviews
The Final Battle is one year past and on the eve of the one year anniversary there is much to be noted. The sacrifices made, the lives lost, the futures changed. And there, if you look, two lives, so intertwined, so connected for so long that are about to collide.
Please note: All warnings do not apply to all chapters, but I would hate to get someone involved and then turned away. This is a Dark Work. You have been warned.
3rd-5th Years • 5429 Reviews
The reign of Voldermort comes to an end, and with it ends the prestige and power Lucius Malfoy once had in the Wizarding World. In order to regain the respect of his fellow wizards and to make them believe that he has turned over a new leaf (which he actually hasn't) and has graciously accepted muggles and Mudbloods, Lucius asks Hermione, a Mudblood, to marry his son, Draco, a pure-blood. Obviously, they both refuse, but Lucius isn't going to give up easily. After all, he wants his status back. He still has a few tricks up his sleeve and is determined to play match-maker. What happens next is a series of events that serve only to bring Hermione and Draco closer, both literally and figuratively speaking. Read to find out how this one unseemly proposal causes absolute chaos in their lives! THIS STORY IS NOT HBP and DH COMPATIBLE! Hey all! Check out my personal info for the expected date of the next update. =)
3rd-5th Years • 22 Reviews
Some people say that you can find anything imaginable in Knockturn Alley. In the dark recesses of one shop, a piece of jewelry, which has haunted history for eons, lies hidden. It is a beautiful piece; striking and elegant in every way. Truly, it is a gift any woman would die for.
Winner of the 'Borgin and Burkes' one-shot challenge.
Professors • 1850 Reviews
In the years following Voldemort's victory in the second war, Muggle-borns must become slaves and servants to pure-bloods in order to survive. Over time, Hermione Granger has learned to suppress her pride and independence in households where she is considered lower than dirt. She thought she would be prepared for this new family, just like she was for all the previous ones. What she didn't know was that this new family was none other than Draco Malfoy's. Will she manage hold up when she finds herself struggling to withhold her sharp tongue, returning hatred, and...something else?The last chapter of this story has been posted! Thanks for reading :)
Thank you to everyone who voted "The Sweetest Sin" as the Best Tearjerker in round 4 of the Dramione Awards
Thanks to some of my amazing readers, The Sweetest Sin has been/is being translated into seven languages: French, Italian, Russian, Portuguese, Czech, Latvian, and Chinese. If you would like the links to any of the translations, please e-mail me or leave a review :)