Penname: Schmerg_The_Impaler [Contact]
Real name: Call me Schmergo
Member Since: 02/19/06
Website: schmergo.tumblr.com
Beta-reader: Yes
Status: Member
Bio:
Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.

Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.

My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.

The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.

My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!

As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.

You're welcome.

A WONDERFUL SONG ABOUT TYRONE THOMAS

Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
SCHMERGO:
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!

ALL:
No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone

EMMA:
When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!

SCHMERGO:
For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�

ALL:
No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone

EMMA:
No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!

TYRONE:
Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�

ALL:
My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�

EMMA:
Well, except for Wolfgang!

ALL:
No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone

EMMA:
No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.

SCHMERGO:
For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�

TYRONE:
Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.

ALL:
No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone

EMMA:
No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!

TYRONE:
Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!

ALL:
Probably scared of Tyrone!

TYRONE:
When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!

ALL:
No one flirts like Tyrone!

EMMA:
Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!

TYRONE:
Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!

ALL:
MY WHAT A GUY� TYRONE!
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Favorite Stories
 

Summary: August 12, 1956

Everythings running as per usual in the Prewett household, until young Fabian finds something or, perhaps, someone who proves to be the instrument of change.
This WON the One-Shot Challenge: Muggle Artifacts *Is so proud* I can't believe it!

Name: Mind_Over_Matter
House: Ravenclaw
Artifact: Aerosol Can (insecticide)

Categories: Historical Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 7197 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
10/22/06 Updated: 10/25/06


Azkaban Mistry by Pussycat123
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 35]

Summary: Sirius Black has been thrown into prison. He was expecting Dementors. He was expecting misery. But he wasn’t even anticipating Mistry, the innocent woman who just so happens to be in the cell next to his. Just as she, in her wildest dreams, had never expected him.

But in a place as dark as Azkaban, not even keeping yourself sane is easy. Not even with the two words that both of them know are true ...

**One-Shot, switches POV**

Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 3095 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
10/08/06 Updated: 10/20/06


Dear Dumby by Oppungo
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 715]

Summary: What happens when Dumbledore has his latest "brilliant" idea, to start an advice column, and call it 'Dear Dumby'? Letters from some of our favourite Hogwarts students, some of our not so favourite Hogwarts students, some not even Hogwarts students at all, and, of course, lots of madness!

Pre-HBP for obvious reasons!
Nominee for the Best Humour Award in the Quicksilver Quill Awards! Many thanks to all who voted for it!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 18182 Chapters: 12 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/09/05 Updated: 09/08/06


Letters by Sarah Kavanagh
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 408]

Summary: Lily thought she was in for a boring summer... but James Potter had other ideas. Love Letters, with a rather bizarre twist.

Categories: James/Lily Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 6636 Chapters: 3 Completed: No
Published:
04/22/06 Updated: 07/26/06


The Power Of Suggestion by FriendsOfSnape
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 650]

Summary: "Be careful what you wish for," the old adage goes. So what happens when Hogwarts is under a spell where what you say is what you get?


Chappie 14 is UP! And while it is the end, let us not be sad, but instead read the insanity that has driven so many to review and nearly wet themsleves with delight.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 27684 Chapters: 14 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/10/05 Updated: 07/21/06


A Battle Of Laughter by onmyway
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 89]

Summary: Fred and George have an unexpected customer who has seriously underestimated their dueling skills...

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 988 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
04/15/06 Updated: 04/18/06


Magorian by The Savant
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 131]

Summary: Lowbrow. High-concept. Medium rare. Magorian's back, and he's here to stay! A/N: All right, who stole all my exclamation points!?

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 54434 Chapters: 14 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/13/04 Updated: 03/06/06


Newly-made orphans by ellidiot
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 5]

Summary: Challenge 3- Theodore Nott thought he was independent, didn't need anyone. Until the one person he did need, his father was killed, and now he realises just how much he relied on him. But Nott-senior was killed serving the Dark Lord, and Theodore needs some time and space to sort out his mixed feelings. Advice from an unexpected quarter might help too.

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1839 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
12/20/05 Updated: 12/20/05


Summary: Hermione starts sending Ron presents, and he doesn't know why. What happens when he finds out it's for a Muggle tradition called the Twelve Days of Christmas? Please R&R! Thanks everyone for reading, and extra thanks to those who reviewed! Submitted for challenge 4 by amortentia of Hufflepuff

I had to ask Ginny why Hermione keeps giving me all these presents. She said that her Muggle Studies teacher told the class about a Muggle tradition of giving presents on each of the twelve days of Christmas. Then she said that people usually give them to someone they love. Does that mean Hermione loves me?


Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1134 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
12/13/05 Updated: 12/13/05


S'mores by Crystallic Rain
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 115]

Summary: The truth about the fifth Gryffindor boy is revealed (Remus ate him), a comforter not-so-spontaneously combusts twice, James smells funny, and Peter likes chicken. And Natalie Blackwood snogs Sirius in a broom closet (yay inbred purebloods).

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 7592 Chapters: 3 Completed: Yes
Published:
07/31/05 Updated: 09/02/05


Summary: "Monty Python and the Goblet of Fire" explores the profound question of what scenes from "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" would be like if they were done as Monty Python sketches. Here the fic begins. A parody of the "Swedish subtitles" bit during the beginning credits of "Monty Python and The Holy Grail." Written for a GoF parody challenge. Rated PG-13, because I'm unsure of the language factor. (Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Monty Python, JK Rowling, or the owners of the Unofficial Monty Python site, who helped me out enormously. I'm making no money from this)

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 10518 Chapters: 6 Completed: Yes
Published:
02/27/05 Updated: 03/09/05


A Very Harry Christmas by Jase
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 203]

Summary: A Christmas play about Harry getting a book of Christmas stories and he and Ron read them. (Lots of Parodies)

***
The first story: "The Flightmare Before Christmas". Ron gets the bright idea to try Christmas this year, and does this with the help of a magical horse that can fly.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 18765 Chapters: 12 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/15/04 Updated: 12/01/04


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