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Schmerg_The_Impaler [Contact]


Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.

Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.

My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.

The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.

My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!

As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.

You're welcome.


Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!

No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone

When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!

For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�

No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone

No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!

Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�

My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�

Well, except for Wolfgang!

No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone

No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.

For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�

Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.

No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone

No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!

Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!

Probably scared of Tyrone!

When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!

No one flirts like Tyrone!

Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!

Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!


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Stories by Schmerg_The_Impaler [31]
Reviews by Schmerg_The_Impaler [445]
Favorite Authors [13]
Schmerg_The_Impaler's Favorites [45]
Favorite Stories

The Absurd Fanfic Revolution by Tim the Enchanter

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 121 Reviews
HEY! Hey you! Psssstttt! You have to help us!

It’s Tim the Enchanter, our fanfiction writer – HE’S GONE MAD! We’re just trying to live normal lives at Hogwarts, but CRAZY things keep happening to us because he’s bored!

Please! Read our story and hear our plight! We need to bludgeon some sanity into our author – Oh no! HE’S AT HIS COMPUTER NOW!

NO! NOOO-aaahhhh! Must resist! Resist… Gibber narg turnip turnip wibble antidisestablishmentarianism blubber gibber wop wop bbluubbaaarrrggghhh!

Nominated for QSQ 2009, Best Humour.

To Draco, With Love by Hutchinson

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 158 Reviews
Summary: Draco somehow managed to get his very own advice column in Hogwarts' school paper, where he gives his sage opinion to those who dare to ask for it. Feel free to write in for advice about love, life, school, family, anything you can think of! But remember... with Draco, you tend not to get the answer you expected!

Out of the Darkness by Tim the Enchanter

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 45 Reviews
Summary: The war against Voldemort is not going well. The Ministry of Magic has fallen and the Order of the Phoenix is scattered. Harry Potter and his friends are ruthlessly hunted by Voldemort and his Death Eaters. There is no end in sight for our heroes…



Nominated for QSQ 2008 Best Humour Story!

Becoming a Dark Lord by FinalCow

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 119 Reviews
Summary: Voldemort knows it's great being the Dark Lord; it's a position he wants to keep. But even the most malevolent maniac can't stand when the forces of fashion conspire against him! A tale of organized mayhem.

Boy by SiriuslyMental

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 16 Reviews
Summary: Nine year-old Harry Potter is sure that normal is just not enough. In fact, with the odd happenings that always seem to occur when he's around and his dead parents, he's convinced that there's no other explanation - he's a superhero. But when Harry runs away from home it may take more than superpowers to bring him back.

Slainte by dragonwings

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 30 Reviews
Summary: Cheers! The Marauders are in for a wild ride as they conquer hearts, pranks, and friends. But the quartet has changed... Bridget McGuire is your skinny, short, glasses-wearing, youngest child pure-blood. But after being neglected by both her mother's and father's sides of the family, she's decided that her time at Hogwarts will be a time that she will never forget and always remember.

A Day at the Spa by Nevilles Girl

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 84 Reviews
Dear Mister Snape,
We are very pleased to present you with this once in a lifetime offer: A free day at Deena’s Magical Day Spa! Just Apparate to the address below and present this coupon to redeem your prize! We hope to see you there!
Deena’s Magical Day Spa

Wazlibs' Wizzil Woozis by Amara Anon

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 31 Reviews
Summary: It's Ron's first disastrous day working at Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes. If things weren't bad enough, a very peculiar customer shows up... post-DH,
pre-Epilogue. [Oneshot]

Never Ordinary by harrypotterfangirl21

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 21 Reviews
Summary: Tom Marvolo Riddle hated the ordinary. He never thought of himself as normal, and didnt want to be remembered as such. Normality was for other people, Tom had decided, he was destined for greatness. And he would go to any lengths to achieve those means

A partial account of Toms life at the orphanage he so hated, showcasing the most important events of his childhood.

Nominated twice for Best General Story in the 2007 QSQs!

Hogwarts, Meet the Marauders! by Kelsid

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 249 Reviews
Summary: In this sequel to Harry's Our What???, James and Lily have time-travelled to the past and finally found out the truth about who their son is. Meanwhile, in their true time-frame, the Marauders have concocted a plan to rescue James and Lily. But when they arrive in Harry's time, they realize they can't get back and must seek the aid of their older counterparts.

The Flying Lesson by Hypatia

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 49 Reviews
Summary: The Dark Lord pays Professor Snape a late night visit, with the intention of teaching Snape to fly.

Nominated for the 2007 Quicksilver Quills Best Humor Story!

Minding the Baby by Rhetor

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 45 Reviews
Summary: Andromeda is left alone with Teddy, or so she thinks.

The Summer of Ninety Seven by SevenAndMoreToGo

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 91 Reviews
Summary: Post-HBP, a lot of developments have begun to take place. While Harry is preparing himself for the big battle, You-Know-Who and his two-minded servant are too....So you have him bursting in the scene everywhere - in the wedding, in Mundungus' den, in Godric's and even in JKR's mansion...

For is a crazy universe where the real and literary worlds coexist - and the only person who hasn't read book 6 is none other than - Lord Voldemort!

Warning: severe OOCness

And what do readers say about it?

"HAHAHAHAHAHA! This is amazing! I love stories about Voldemort, and this one definitely does him justice. You have a wonderful sense of humour..."

Schmerg_the_Impaler, reknowned author of "The Dark Lord's Blog"

Chapter 3: Marital Mayhem…Part 4...The Last Leg…(the second last chapter) is waiting in line!

Caffeini Zabini! by MissDramatic

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 7 Reviews
Summary: Blaise wants to be a superhero. Hermione doesn't think he can do it. Will he prove her wrong, or is he just another wizard in spandex and sunglasses? Note: I wrote this a few years ago so a couple minor things may lean slightly AU, nothing plot significant though.

The E-Journal of an Evil Janitor by Schmerg_The_Impaler

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 256 Reviews
Summary: It's the sequel to "The Dark Lord's Blog," guys! (And girls... and, I don't know, gender-neutral people and centaurs and walruses and parameciums and shrubs and stuff.)

Several months have passed since Filch came into possession of Voldemort's magical powers, and he has taken over Hogwarts.

With Filch serving as The Dark Lord Snoogerblossom, the position of Hogwarts caretaker/janitor is open. Seeing as Voldemort wants his magical powers back, he and his extremely attractive new sidekick, Mungo Phelps, go undercover at Hogwarts, with Mungo posing as a transfer student and Voldemort posing as the new janitor. Wacky high-jinks ensue.

Join Voldemort as he tries to get back his magic, kill Harry Potter, steal Gryffindor's sword to make a shiny new Horcrux, romance Minerva McGonagall, discover Sirius's secret to becoming a chick magnet, and swallow a teaspoon of his pride to mop up spills the Muggle way and wear an unflattering uniform! WARNING: Extremely silly and very out-of-character.

If you haven't read "The Dark Lord's Blog," well, what are you doing? GO READ IT NOW! Just click on my author name and you'll be directed to my chaotic author page, which lists all my wacky stories.

This is on hiatus, dudes. Ooh! But it was twice nominated by nice (and insane) people for the Best Humour Fic award in the Quicksilver Quills thingy!

Also, some wonderful loony nominated Mungo Phelps for Best Male OC, making him if possible even more conceited! (No one had the heart to tell Mungo that he was designed as an example of a terrible OC.)

EXCITING NEWS! "The E-Journal of an Evil Janitor" is now continued as a Twitter blog! Go to Twitter dot com and find thedarklord666. Voldy's waiting!

A Past Reclaimed by nuw255

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 1455 Reviews
Summary: Sequel to A Stolen Past. Please read that story first, as this one really wont make sense if you dont.

Harry Potter has rejoined the Wizarding world after a year-long absence, but still has no memory of his time at Hogwarts. Will he ever get his memory back? Will he be able to pass his classes without it? And most importantly, will he ever be able to defeat Lord Voldemort? Read on as the last of the mysteries introduced in A Stolen Past are finally revealed.

This is a story of friendship and mystery, with a healthy dose of H/G thrown in for good measure.

Voldy's Deathpants by Deathpants, Mind_Over_Matter, wendelin the wierd, cmwinters, Schmerg_The_Impaler

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 54 Reviews
Summary: The Order of the Phoenix and the Death Eaters are locked in battle over a highly important magical artifact known to most as Voldy's Deathpants, in bold letters like that. However, they go about battle in a, er, highly unusual way-- a Quidditch match!

Probably the silliest thing that's ever appeared on this site, featuring highly OOC behaviour.

Deathpants is a team of writers consisting of Mind_Over_Matter, cmwinters, wendelin the wierd, and Schmerg_The_Impaler. Our story was written in Round Robin format. This (and our deranged minds) explains its randomness. Enjoy!

The insanity of the Deathpants has gotten to the mods! This ridiculous story WON the 2008 Quicksilver Quill Award for Best Humour Story!

Happy Christmas, Lord Voldemort by Starmom

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 22 Reviews
Summary: The Death Eaters have to decide what to get Lord Voldemort for Christmas. Fun ensues.

***WINNER in the 2007 Phoenix Rising 'Mistletoe & Mayhem' Competition***

A Stolen Past by nuw255

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 428 Reviews Past Featured Story
Summary: Fifteen-year-old Harry Potter wakes up in his cupboard under the stairs at number four, Privet Drive with no memory of the past five years of his life. What happened to his memory? What do his strange dreams mean? And most importantly, how will he survive in a school for incurably criminal boys?

This is primarily a mystery, with a bit of shippiness thrown in here and there. Of course, if I told you WHO is involved in the shippiness, that would ruin part of the mystery, wouldnt it?

This story takes place immediately after OotP (and thus disregards HBP).

Excerpts from Nagini's Diary by Scheherazade

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 184 Reviews
Summary: A look into the life of Voldy's pet snake, Nagini.