Hey! Welcome to my profile. It's really empty, but I don't mind because I only use my account to read and review fanfic. I'm mainly ship James / Lily, but as long as it's well written and/or original I'll read it. I tried experimenting with a little poetry, but it doesn't really interest me.
If you want to know more about me, click on the link to my gaia profile.
Summary: Fred is dead.
But that's just the beginning! Because one of George's ears is up in heaven, and the other is down on earth...
Oh, the possibilities!
Written for the Next Great Adventure challenge on the MNFF beta boards. I am Schmerg_The_Impaler of Hufflepuff House.
Twice nominated for Best Post-Hogwarts Story in the 2008 Quicksilver Quills Awards!
Summary: Some insight into the thoughts of Ron and Hermione.
Summary: WARNING! This story contains a jingle-bell antler headband, a shower of potatoes, boy/girl mushiness, underwear karaoke, family trouble, an excessively adorable werewolf, death, the song "Werewolves of London," betrayal, and the word 'Jordan' five times in a row near the beginning of chapter seven.
Twenty-one years after Voldemort's defeat, five fourth-years are faced with a new threat. Will all of the five stay true to the light side? Will they all emerge whole in the end? Will Jordan Potter ever get a life? You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll gasp, you'll sigh! Part one in a trilogy!
Well, after much deliberation and consideration, I've decided to submit my future-gen trilogy! This particular installment is three years old, so it's definitely different from my current writing style, but I'm quite fond of the characters.
DH is disregarded. It's a total coincidence that one of the main characters is named Ted Lupin.
Starring Quicksilver Quills 2008 Best Male Original Character runner-up Jordan Potter, Best Female Original Character nominees Ivy Potter, Haley Potter, and Emma Weasley, and Best Male Original Character nominee Ted Lupin!
Five times nominated (once for each member of Potter's Pentagon!) for the Best Post-Hogwarts story in the 2007 Quicksilver Quills Awards, and nominated for Best Post-Hogwarts story in the 2008 Quicksilver Quill Awards...
Summary: James and Lily didn't wake up one morning and find they were in love with each other...but two mornings in particular were a help. So were two letters written in purple ink.
Dear Mister Snape,
We are very pleased to present you with this once in a lifetime offer: A free day at Deena’s Magical Day Spa! Just Apparate to the address below and present this coupon to redeem your prize! We hope to see you there!
Deena’s Magical Day Spa
Summary: : Harry Potter discovers that the hardest part isn’t facing Death, but rather knowing that you are powerless to stop it. Death has made its presence known, and it is planning on staying a while. The only way to ever truly destroy it is to live through it.
Post-DH, book 7 disregarded.
Summary: Anthea Wade is assigned the task to defend Lucius Malfoy by her rather doubting colleagues. Determined to prove herself capable and get her client off the hook, she calls one of the most unlikely witnesses to prove Lucius Malfoy’s innocence.
I am very pleased to say that this story received the Honorable Mention in the August One-Shot Challenge!
Summary: Gertrude was in a back room when Voldemort came to kill Harry and her parents. She wasn't found, and Voldemort doesn't know about her.
In her fifth year, she finds out that she is Harry Potter's sister.
Summary: The end of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - from Ginny's POV
Summary: James Potter is about to give up his pursuit of his six-year crush, Lily Evans. But will he change his mind after an enlightening conversation with an understanding taxicab driver? One-shot, R&R!!
“Have you ever fallen in love?” James asked hesitantly.
“Have you ever loved her with all your heart and soul?”
“Have they never requited your love?”
“Have you ever thought of giving them up?”
“Yep. Did it too. Was without a doubt the worse mistake I’ve made in me bloody life.”
Summary: This is a story about the boys who knew the true meaning of ‘friendship’.
This is a story of ‘Boy meets girl - Girls hates boy’.
This is a story of how lives can change in an instant…
…and how friends can become total strangers.
This is the story - of the Marauders.
Summary: When had a pledge of universal honesty become a practice of universal derision? A look at Severus as a teacher, 1987.
Summary: Its a quiet sort of day in the Gryffindor common room. The Marauders decide to lighten things up with a little Truth or Dare. But, they think that's boring. They have their own version......
Summary: Our boy Theodore Nott thinks he’s signed up for a position in the Department of Mysteries. Little does he know that he’s been roped into something a bit more… deathly.
Rollicking fun, dry commentary, suspense, and heavy doses of surrealism with the Grim Reaper and company, including a surprise guest at the end. Written for the Gauntlet challenge by Schmerg_The_Impaler of the grand house of Hufflepuff.
Technically a companion piece to “To Be Or Nott To Be,” but who’s counting? It also stands on its own just as well.
Looks like the judges got drunk again, because they were insane enough to give this story Second Place in the gauntlet. Somewhere, all the famous dead writers are rolling over in their graves, but I, for one, am feeling very squeeful at this undeserved reward! Thanks, judges!
Summary: It's the sequel to "The Dark Lord's Blog," guys! (And girls... and, I don't know, gender-neutral people and centaurs and walruses and parameciums and shrubs and stuff.)
Several months have passed since Filch came into possession of Voldemort's magical powers, and he has taken over Hogwarts.
With Filch serving as The Dark Lord Snoogerblossom, the position of Hogwarts caretaker/janitor is open. Seeing as Voldemort wants his magical powers back, he and his extremely attractive new sidekick, Mungo Phelps, go undercover at Hogwarts, with Mungo posing as a transfer student and Voldemort posing as the new janitor. Wacky high-jinks ensue.
Join Voldemort as he tries to get back his magic, kill Harry Potter, steal Gryffindor's sword to make a shiny new Horcrux, romance Minerva McGonagall, discover Sirius's secret to becoming a chick magnet, and swallow a teaspoon of his pride to mop up spills the Muggle way and wear an unflattering uniform! WARNING: Extremely silly and very out-of-character.
If you haven't read "The Dark Lord's Blog," well, what are you doing? GO READ IT NOW! Just click on my author name and you'll be directed to my chaotic author page, which lists all my wacky stories.
This is on hiatus, dudes. Ooh! But it was twice nominated by nice (and insane) people for the Best Humour Fic award in the Quicksilver Quills thingy!
Also, some wonderful loony nominated Mungo Phelps for Best Male OC, making him if possible even more conceited! (No one had the heart to tell Mungo that he was designed as an example of a terrible OC.)
EXCITING NEWS! "The E-Journal of an Evil Janitor" is now continued as a Twitter blog! Go to Twitter dot com and find thedarklord666. Voldy's waiting!
Summary: The Order of the Phoenix and the Death Eaters are locked in battle over a highly important magical artifact known to most as Voldy's Deathpants, in bold letters like that. However, they go about battle in a, er, highly unusual way-- a Quidditch match!
Probably the silliest thing that's ever appeared on this site, featuring highly OOC behaviour.
Deathpants is a team of writers consisting of Mind_Over_Matter, cmwinters, wendelin the wierd, and Schmerg_The_Impaler. Our story was written in Round Robin format. This (and our deranged minds) explains its randomness. Enjoy!
The insanity of the Deathpants has gotten to the mods! This ridiculous story WON the 2008 Quicksilver Quill Award for Best Humour Story!
Summary: What does Lord Voldemort do in his spare time? Well, that's an excellent question. Who would have known that the Dark Lord has a blog? (He also has a loyal following of readers, most of whom are Death Eaters and who post their comments.) Voldemort dispenses advice on everything from murder methods to germ protection to Power Rangers to shoes, and gives an account of the life of an evil overlord. But is he posting too much personal information online? And will Harry read it and find out more about the Dark Lord than Voldemort ever intended? Read and see.
WARNING: Extremely OOC behaviour from almost all.
RUNNER-UP in the 2007 Quicksilver Quills Awards for Best Humour fic! Also nominated like 21 times, because apparently my readers are as insane as I am!
The Ballad of Lucius Malfoy: An Unappealing Appeal by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 63]
Summary: Lucius Malfoy's appealing to the Wizengamot after being caught in the Department of Mysteries, trying to convince them that he's not evil.
Quite silly, really.
Summary: "If you wanted to drown yourself," she commented casually, "you'd have had better luck staying out on the pitch." A missing moment, just after Gryffindor loses the Quidditch match in PoA, in which Katie Bell attempts to cheer up a forlorn Oliver Wood.
Summary: Professor Granger deals with a pair of students who have inherited a knack for trouble...