"What manner of man are you that can conjure up fire without flint or tinder?"
"I... am an enchanter."
"By what name are you known?"
"There are some who call me... Tim."
"Greetings, Tim the Enchanter."
~ Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Welcome, reader of my appalling autobiography! By using your amazing powers of deduction, you can safely assume that I like Monty Python... which I do! I can pretty much recite the entire movie (as well as most of Life of Brian and several sketches from Flying Circus). For your own good, please don't get me started... but it doesn't matter since you can't hear me anyway.
Obviously, I am also an avid Harry Potter fan, and I presume that you are one likewise. You probably wouldn’t be looking at my profile page if you weren’t. Anyway, I’ve been reading the Harry Potter books since they came out, but I only started reading and writing fanfiction after Deathly Hallows came out. As for why it took me so long, I don’t know, but who really cares, so let’s move on to some of the things I like about the series.
My favourite HP book(s): For all of its faults, I quite like Deathly Hallows, though Deathly Plotholes would be a more appropriate title. Some things like the allegiance of the Elder Wand and Ron speaking Parseltongue were quite ridiculous and stupid, I think, but the tension and suspense in the book was what made Deathly Hallows a great read. The book succeeded in making me swear aloud and profusely at crucial parts, a reaction that none of the other books were able to provoke. However, for literary merit, I think Prisoner of Azkaban is the best of the series. It doesn’t have any gaping plot holes, has a sane and different plot from all the other books, and it introduces some great characters.
My favourite HP characters: I cannot pin down a single favourite, but I happen to like the Weasley twins, Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks, and Luna Lovegood. The Weasley twins are great for the obvious reason that they never fail to amuse me, and their complete disregard for all rules and authority is something that I myself could never manage, and is part of what makes them interesting. Remus and Tonks I liked separately as individual characters when they were each introduced, and I was quite surprised by the end of HBP, since together, they are quite an interesting mix of opposites. And with Luna Lovegood… well, what can I say? She’s totally eccentric, and I wish she had a bigger role in the series.
My most hated HP character: Dobby; he’s almost as annoying as Jar Jar Binks. I couldn’t stand him from the beginning of Chamber of Secrets, and I was frankly overjoyed when Bellatrix stabbed him.
So, that’s just a short overview of my thoughts about the Harry Potter series. Here’s a complete breakdown of all the fics I’ve written for this fandom. Note that I also post stories on harrypotterfanfiction.com with the same name, and fanfiction.net under the name Pseudonym Sam.
Out of the Darkness: This is the first multi-chapter story that I actually managed to finish. It’s my first absurdist writing here, with the premise of the story coming from a very strange dream I had.
Banner by me
Nominated for Quicksilver Quill Awards 2008, Best Humour
The Absurd Fanfic Revolution: This is a pretty weird story in which a bunch of fanfiction characters, tired of bad characterisation and a nonexistent plot, decide to revolt against their author – that’s me! Like most story ideas of mine, it came from another really strange dream.
Banner by Minnabird, MNFF forums
Nominated for Quicksilver Quill Awards 2009, Best Humour
As The Clock Strikes Twelve: This is my first and only venture into the Dark/Angst genre. The premise is not entirely original (being based off Ambrose Bierce's An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge), but I am reasonably happy with the result.
Nominated for Quicksilver Quill Awards 2009, Best Dark/Angst
The Butterfly Factor: This is a rather strange story about the effect that butterflies have on the outcome of Quidditch games. Yeah, it’s kind of random, but inspired by a real life incident.
Drachen: This was my entry for the Third Task of the 2009 Triwizard Tournament on the Mugglenet Fanfiction forums. I sort of wrote this thing the night before it was due, and I was quite surprised that it somehow tied for first place.
THIS IS HOGWARTS! – A Stupid Crossover Parody: I hate crossovers, so I have decided to make fun of them by writing a ridiculous one of my own! This fic is a crossover of Harry Potter, 300, and Ratatouille - basically the most random things I could think of. However, this story isn’t allowed on this site, (it is a crossover, after all) so if you want to read it, please check my account on fanfiction.net. I have also drawn a full-length comic strip illustrating the story, so you can check it out in my art thread on the forums if you have an account.
Works in Progress
Für Das Größere Wohl: Here’s my fic featuring the infamous little Nazi boy, Dieter Heydrich. I can’t really remember why I decided to write this Grindelwald-era story, but I’m glad I did. I admit that I’ve actually grown rather attached to my slightly disturbing protagonist, as he is quite fun to write.
Banner by Minnabird, MNFF forums
Nominated for Quicksilver Quill Awards 2009, Best History/Mystery
WINNER of Quicksilver Quill Awards 2009, Best Male Original Character
“Obliviate!”: For my very first Harry Potter fanfic, it hasn’t received much love. I got four chapters into it before get distracted by another project, and before I knew it, I sort of forgot about it entirely.
Yelling Yourself Yellow With Yetis: This story was spawned from a very stupid bit of alliteration (see title), which ended up becoming this fic. Like my first fanfic, I sort of forgot about this one and it’s been sitting around without being updated for about a year, I think.
The Drawing Board
The Hidden Revolution: After writing a fanfic set in Nazi Germany, it was only a matter of time until I thought about a story set in the Soviet Union. This fic will be written for my original character creation class in the forums, and I’m still working out the details. But for a basic synopsis, it is about a Muggle-born wizard’s efforts to bring socialism to the wizarding world, with the help of a certain Josef Stalin…
THINGS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HARRY POTTER
Favourite subject: History, particularly that of World War II. Ancient Greece and Rome are interesting too.
Favourite random plot device: Cement mixer
Favourite catchphrase: “Get hammered and sickled!”
Favourite bodily organ: Pancreas
Favourite main battle tank: Merkava IV
Favourite WWII tank: T-34/85
“Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way!” - George S. Patton
“In the absence of orders, go find something and kill it.” - Erwin Rommel
“Death is the solution to all problems. No man, no problem.” - Josef Stalin
“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.” - Winston Churchill
“Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.” - Napoleon Bonaparte
Some favourite songs/artists:
Der heimliche Aufmarsch - Ernst Busch
Lugovaya trava - Lyube
300 - This is Sparta! Remix - no idea who did this…
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Animal Farm - George Orwell
Ender’s Game - Orson Scott Card
Island in the Sea of Time series - S. M. Stirling
Starship Troopers - Robert A. Heinlein
Candide - Voltaire
Our Dumb World and Our Dumb Century - The Onion
Well, I hope you found that useless information enlightening.
Cheerio, gib gib blubber bbluubbaaarrrggghhh!
~ Tim the Enchanter
Summary: Two years after Voldemort's downfall, Headmistress McGonagall finds a puzzling decrease in new Muggle-born students. Consulting the magic Quill, she and Flitwick find even wizarding children being born without magical ability. Each year fewer students are listed. If the decline continues, within decades the classrooms of Hogwarts will be half empty. Concerned how far the problem spreads, McGonagall sends a message to the Quill schools of the other continents.
In Brazil, the world of magic is revealed to a young homeless girl. When Marissa cautiously accepts an education in the wizarding world, the choice will lead her to an object somehow tied to the unknown cause of the wizarding decline. But as she struggles to show any ability at all, she is unsure if she even belongs in their world. What role can a neglected street beggar have in events that wizarding schools of all the world may soon be part of?
Summary: The Middle Kingdom, once a leader of the wizarding world, is now isolated and faces the condemnation of the world. The Headmaster of the Southern School, Zhu-ge Liang, has waited for just the right time to try and change their society.
Ten year old Song Feng is a proud citizen of the People's Republic of China and junior member of the national women's gymnastics team. The last thing Feng wants to do is leave behind her dreams of Olympic glory, but Zhu-ge Liang has other plans for her which will revolutionize the Middle Kingdom.
Now nominated for a 2010 Quicksilver Quill award for Best Original Character, for Song Feng.
Banner by Minnabird
Summary: Hermione Wilkins is an explorer with an over-active imagination. So when a woman show up on her doorstep claiming she is Hermione too, no one believes her. In fact, she is punished! Of course, the fact that she was climbing on the roof at the time might have had something to do with it...
But when Hermione Weasley appears once again, she shares a secret with Hermione Wilkins; mostly because she needs her help if she is ever going to achieve what she came to Australia for in the first place.
Summary: We’ve been fighting this war for a long time. They call us “Muggles.” We know them as wizards and witches.
They struck first. We don’t know where they came from. We don’t know why they attacked us. What we do know is that they were winning. England was the first to fall. Then France. Spain. Italy. It took ten years of tactical withdrawals, delaying actions, and air strikes to halt the wizard's advance. It cost us millions of lives to stop them just short of the Rhine.
Now, it was our turn to push back.
Alexandra Quick returns to Charmbridge Academy for eighth grade, angry and in denial. Unwilling to accept the events of the previous year, she is determined to fix what went wrong, no matter what the cost. When her obsession leads her to a fateful choice, it is not only her own life that hangs in the balance, for she will uncover the secret of the Deathly Regiment!
This is the third book in the Alexandra Quick series.
Summary: The final installment in the Potter’s Pentagon Trilogy. Read “The Five” and “The Truth” first, myess? Okay!
WARNING! Contains Muggle adventures in Diagon Alley, unusual eyebrows, cheesy clichés galore, psycho Ted, the not-so-lost years of Merlin, a school-wide singalong, the old potato joke, Tyrone’s Princess Bride obsession, Emma’s stubborn denial of the existence of Tyrone’s mustache, a graphic death, a joke shop product as a major plot device, hobo Jordan, Jordan hugging, Jordan pulling pranks, time travel, the Love Shack, angst, and worst of all, Professor Zabini.
It’s the sixth year for Potter’s Pentagon and company, and our heroes learn that in the wizarding world, coming of age has a somewhat weightier significance. Students are busy with an Inter-House Unity Project, Jordan is having weird dreams, Pansy and Ophidias Malfoy have been released from Azkaban, Professor Zabini has a mysterious project of his own, and almost everyone is acting strangely. Meanwhile, at the Ministry of Magic, a man with a vendetta against Ron Weasley is trying his hardest to get him in the biggest trouble possible. Is the only way to save him to travel into the past?
New talents are discovered, new friendships form and old ones change, pasts are dredged up, and, of course, there’s lots of good old-fashioned snogging. And one of the five kills for the first time… while another becomes a casualty of war.
Starring 2008 Quicksilver Quills Best Male Original Character runner-up Jordan Potter, Best Female Original Character nominees Ivy Potter, Haley Potter, Emma Weasley, and Giorgi Anderson, and Best Male Original Character nominee Ted Lupin! Nominated for 2008 Quicksilver Quills Best Post-Hogwarts Story.
Seventh grader Alexandra Quick returns to Charmbridge Academy. This year she faces bullies from another wizarding school, a secret Dark Arts club, and the machinations of her father, but her greatest trial yet awaits her in the dangerous Lands Below.
This is the second book in the Alexandra Quick series.
Summary: What happens when our favorite foursome, plus Lily, Snape, and of course some impossibly perfect OCs return to Hogwarts for their 7th year? Why, absolute bucketfuls of drama, angst, tears, jealousy, unrealistic events, and cheesy, cheesy dialogue! Also staggering amounts of random insanity. You have been warned.
Summary: Scorpius Malfoy was brought up in the knowledge that he came from an old pure-blood family. Hogwarts is going to teach him a great deal more. Will he be able to rise above his family’s tainted past, or will history repeat itself?
First place in the 2007 Autumn Challenge’s New Beginnings prompt.
Nominated for Best History/Mystery in the 2008 QSQs!
Canon compliant with all seven books, however, not compliant with all interviews given by JKR.
Teddy Lupin's first year at Hogwarts. Canon-compliant. Nominated for a 2008 QSQ for best Post-Hogwarts story.
The war is over, and all is well, they say, but the wounds remain unhealed. Bitterness divides the Houses of Hogwarts. Can the first children born since the war's end begin a new era, or will the enmities of their parents be their permanent legacy?
Summary: Tzipporah Stein, a Jew living in Vienna, Austria on the eve of WWII, is shocked when she gets a letter telling her she is a witch. The volatile state of Europe as it waits for both a muggle and a wizarding war to begin has prompted Hogwarts to take in students from many countries. How will Tzipporah handle magic, mischief, and even a little romance while trying to be true to her religion and culture at the same time?
Summary: A weekend trip to the mysterious Rose Cottage leads to Ginny's second pregnancy and Hermione's first. The Potters and Weasleys take on “The Next Great Adventure” as they anticipate the births of Albus Potter and Rose Weasley.
Winner of the 2008 Quick Silver Quills Award for Best General Story.
The first book in the Alexandra Quick series.
The war against Voldemort never reached America, but all is not well there. When 11-year-old Alexandra Quick learns she is a witch, she is plunged into a world of prejudices, intrigue, and danger. Who wants Alexandra dead, and why?
This story is canon-compliant with the Harry Potter universe, but the characters and settings are all original. I've put a lot of work into envisioning a world as detailed as the original series; I hope you enjoy it.
Summary: It is a blustery day in Hogsmeade, and Arthur and Bill Weasley are minding their own business. That is, until they each receive letters instructing them to mind each other's business in a most intrusive and rather final sort of way.
But this is not just about Arthur and Bill. They happen to be a small part of a much bigger, much more ambitious scheme that they know nothing about, run by a frighteningly powerful organization. What exactly is going on, and what exactly will Arthur and Bill do?
Written as an entry for the Gauntlet, by Schmerg_The_Impaler of Hufflepuff house (most of the Bill bits) and Neville's Girl of Slytherin house (most of the Arthur bits). Probably the strangest thing either of us has ever written.
Summary: This is book two in the "Potter's Pentagon" trilogy. Read "Potter's Pentagon: The Five" first, myesss? Cool.
WARNING: This story contains French people, an internal monologue about a blue orange, adolescent facial hair, good old-fashioned snogging, superstitious truck drivers, a portrait who calls everyone "Mavis," a zoo break-in, some very strange clothes, romantic conflict galore, and Ron Weasley's caffeine addiction. And worst of all, Professor Zabini!
Hogwarts is hosting the Triwizard Tournament, and when one of the members of Potter's Pentagon is selected to represent the school, much excitement ensues. Simultaneously, elections are being held for Minister of Magic, and things are getting busy at the Ministry.
Not to mention the fact that Jordan's made a new Muggle friend without informing her of the itty-bitty fact that he's magical, Haley has found an enchanted diary of dubious origin, Ted's met a werewolf from Beauxbatons, and Emma... well, Emma's not having a good year.
And what exactly is Ivy up to, anyway?
Everyone has secrets. But in the end, the truth will have to come out.
Starring Best Male Original Character runner-up Jordan Potter, Best Female Original Character Nominees Ivy Potter, Emma Weasley, Haley Potter, and Giorgi Anderson, and Best Male Original Character nominee Ted Lupin! Nominated for Best Post-Hogwarts story in the 2008 Quicksilver Quill Awards!
Summary: Was it possible to save two lives in the past without altering history? Was it possible to give his parents a future twenty years after they had supposedly died? Teddy Lupin thought so...
Summary: DH SPOILERS! Harry is so consumed with his career as an Auror that he loses touch with Ginny and their children until a letter arrives to help him remember what really matters. But is something sinister waiting out there to take it all away? An escape from Azkaban, the first in twenty years, stirs up Harry's worst fears from the past as those he loves are threatened.
Romance, mystery, and drama combine to make this a story you won't soon forget! Set one year before DH epilogue. Completely canon compliant. All reviews receive responses.
THE EPILOGUE IS UP! I don't know whether to laugh or cry as this story comes to an end, and Harry finally figures out where it's really at. (Thanks again to the amazing mods for your rapid-fire response!)
Summary: A Mary Sue Parody fic! Infinity Babe has moved from New York to Hogwarts with her 'oh-so-evil' parents. Can Harry and the gang stop her from warping canon? Not to be taken seriously. Rated PG-13 for a reason. Scriptfic.
Summary: Fred is dead.
But that's just the beginning! Because one of George's ears is up in heaven, and the other is down on earth...
Oh, the possibilities!
Written for the Next Great Adventure challenge on the MNFF beta boards. I am Schmerg_The_Impaler of Hufflepuff House.
Twice nominated for Best Post-Hogwarts Story in the 2008 Quicksilver Quills Awards!
Summary: Harry Potter disappears immediately after defeating Lord Voldemort, and the circumstances all point to him being dead. But when has Harry ever been known to just roll over and die? Join Harry on a journey of self-discovery to find the family he never knew he had.