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Pride and Pre-Juiced Plums: A Potter's Pentagon Love Story by Schmerg_The_Impaler

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Summary: A companion piece to the Potter's Pentagon trilogy... it's better if you've read the Potter's Pentagon trilogy, but you don't necessarily have to.

It's five years after Emma Weasley and her chums graduated from Hogwarts. Ted and Ivy are married, Haley is working at Madame Puddifoot's while trying desperately to break into show business, Jordan's doing whatever it is he does, and Emma is an Auror trainee working as a guard at the Chudley Cannons' stadium. The Cannons have actually been doing much better lately, due to their new star Beater, Tyrone Thomas. Unfortunately, Tyrone is Emma's ex-boyfriend. OH, THE AWKWARDNESS.

Follow Emma through her awkward adventures told in her usual insane way, as she experiences angst, hilarity, obnoxiously strange people, misadventures involving a deceptively dashing cad, Haley's wedding, the birth of Ted and Ivy's baby, and her own eventual descent into LURRRVE.

Written for the marvellous Vindictus Viridian's Pride and Prejudice NEWTs class on the Fanfiction Beta Boards, based on Jane Austen's fantastic novel, "Pride and Prejudice.".

Nominated in the 2008 Quicksilver Quills Awards for Best Non-Canon Romance Story! And its lovely (haha) heroine, Emma Weasley, received two nominations for Best Female Original Character, while Haley Potter and Ivy Potter each received one! Thanks so much, guys!
Ratings: 3rd-5th Years [ - ]
Category: Other Pairing
Characters: None
Canon Compliance: None
Warnings: None
Challenge:
Serie: None
Chapters: 17 Completed?: Yes
Wordcount: 122124 Viewcount: 56162
Published on: 03/30/08 Updated On: 06/04/11





1. Prologue: Me, Me, and Also Meeee by Schmerg_The_Impaler [ - ] (1616 words)
This is just the intro... if you've read any Potter's Pentagon at all, you probably don't need this because it's just an introduction to the characters. I don't own Harry Potter or the musicals mentioned in this chapter (Singin' In The Rain and Cats), though I wish I did.

For those of you who want to know how Tyrone and Emma are exes when they haven't even gone out at all in the Potter's Pentagon stories so far... I'll get into that later. Fear not.
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2. Chapter 2: The Neon Fires Of Niflheim by Schmerg_The_Impaler [ - ] (3052 words)
Thanks for bearing with me, guys! Now, I must say, this story is a bit of an AU of my already AU trilogy... so as to not include spoilers for the third Potter's Pentagon books, I've changed some stuff-- for example, at least one character who dies in the third book is alive in this. So don't automatically assume, "Oh, Character X lives," or "Character Y marries Character Z." Not much happens in this chapter, but the story definitely picks up later, so fear not. I just had to set the stage.

The song of this chapter is "What Is This Feeling?" from Wicked, by Stephen Schwartz. If you like Wicked, you can find a spoof of it on my profile! _______________________

3. Chapter 3: Cute Is What We Aim To Avoid by Schmerg_The_Impaler [ - ] (3946 words)
I swear, things definitely happen later in this story... I'm sorry about the slow start. The song that I used in this chapter is from Oklahoma, by Rogers and Hammerstein.

Now, because this chapter features Ivy and Ted, and because this is from Emma's biased point of view, the portrayal of those two is a lot less flattering than what I'd normally do, especially for poor, cheesy, adorable Ted. I adore Ted, so don't kill me for the rather rude descriptions of him. Blame Emma.

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4. Chapter 4: Werewolves And Wolfgangs Of London by Schmerg_The_Impaler [ - ] (7475 words)
This chapter features Anatoly Capshaw, who is a major character in the third Potter's Pentagon, but unfortunately, since that book's not up yet, no one on this site has any clue who he is. Ah, well, I guess it's not such a bad first introduction to the man. Since you haven't read the book, I'll just say now-- Anatoly's Muggle-born and has a lot of Muggle connections. Yep.

This chapter's really long, so bear with me! I don't own "Pride and Prejudice" by Jane Austen, "Werewolvs of London" by Warren Zevon, or "Annie, Get Your Gun" by Irving Berlin, The Lion King, Teletubbies, Evita by Andrew Lloyd Webber, or Les Miserables. If anyone spots the Les Miserables reference, I will give them a prize.

5. Chapter 5: Abandoning Pregnant Wives-- A Fun Lupin Family Tradition by Schmerg_The_Impaler [ - ] (9944 words)
Sorry I took so long! And sorry if you think this chapter is too long or rather boring or that Emma's a jerk. I promise this stuff'll be very important later.
Lyrics are by Charles Hart and Stephen Sondheim.

6. Chapter 6: He Followed Me Home, But I Don't Want To Keep Him by Schmerg_The_Impaler [ - ] (8975 words)
Hey, kids! Lyrics are by Dick Scanlan and Jason Steele. I'm really sorry about Haley's banna song at the beginning of the chapter, but it comes back, and I couldn't figure out any sensible way to eliminate it altogether. Besides, I kinda like it. As for Haley's unusual action figures, those actually EXIST. I know someone who owns both of those.
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7. Chapter 7: Lawn Gnomes and Trowel Trolls by Schmerg_The_Impaler [ - ] (8050 words)
Why I haven't updated in so long, I don't know. I actually wrote this chapter back in August-- first half written on my trip to see Little Mermaid, second half written on my trip to Disney World. Maybe because I was so distracted with my exciting vacations, but I've never felt altogether comfortable with this chapter. I feel like no matter how much I edit it, it never quite works. But you might want to go back and read the last chapter or two of this story just to jog your memory.
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8. Chapter 8: Long Letters and Short Tempers by Schmerg_The_Impaler [ - ] (6232 words)
Phew! It's been awhile, hasn't it? I personally recommend you reread part of the story, specifically the last chapter, since it goes straight into this one. I don't own Harry Potter, Pride and Prejudice, or the song I reference at the beginning of the chapter, which is from the amazing musical "Ragtime" and by Stephen Flaherty and Lynn Ahrens.


9. Chapter 9: The Delightfully Horrible Misadventures of Wolfgang Quinn by Schmerg_The_Impaler [ - ] (8803 words)
My, it's been too long! You might have to reread a bit. Anyway, I do not own the lyrics from Les Miserables (by Alain Boublil and Claude-Michel Schonberg) or those from South Pacific (by Rogers and Hammerstein).
10. Chapter 10: Thomas the Tank Engine Versus Nacho Cheese by Schmerg_The_Impaler [ - ] (5091 words)
Why do I never update this story? Sighhhh. Well, it's BACK. It's been so darn long, you should probably reread a teeny bit before you go on. Andddd... this is the first thing I've sent to MNFF since arriving in college! Lyrics are courtesy of Lynn Ahrens and Stephen Flaherty.
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11. Chapter 11: The HMS Sailing Solo Capsizes by Schmerg_The_Impaler [ - ] (9858 words)
I'm BAAAACK! Lyrics are courtesy of Stephen Schwartz and Charles Strouse from the short-lived musical Rags, not to be confused with Ragtime! I do not own Sense and Sensibility, Star Wars, Happy holidays, all!


12. Chapter 12: Enter The Other Potter Twin! by Schmerg_The_Impaler [ - ] (6034 words)
Lyrics in this chapter are courtesy of Tim Rice, and there is also a slight reference to a Kids In The Hall sketch with which I am slightly obsessed.
13. Chapter 13: Here There Be Mushiness! by Schmerg_The_Impaler [ - ] (7789 words)
The lyrics in this chapter belong to Mindi Dickstein and Jason Howland. And "Your Song" belongs to Elton John. Also, I really missed writing about Jordan. I love that loser.



14. Chapter 14: Ice Cream and Just Desserts by Schmerg_The_Impaler [ - ] (9715 words)
ACK! I am sooo sorry. I somehow managed to completely leave this chapter out! It goes between Haley's two wedding. I don't know why I forgot to submit it. Bad Dobby. You may want to do some rereading? Things probably will make more sense. Anyway, I don't own Elton John or Kids in the Hall.
15. Chapter 15: I Now Pronounce You Totally Bonkers by Schmerg_The_Impaler [ - ] (9973 words)
Wow, so many things I don't own the rights to in this chapter, aside from Harry Potter! So, "Get Me To The Church On Time" is by Frederick Loewe and Alan Jay Lerner, "You Are My Home" is by Frank Wildhorn and Nan Knighton, the Phantom of the Opera belongs to Andrew Lloyd Webber, "To Life!" is by Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick, and "Your Song" and "Crocodile Rock" are by Elton John. I also don't own Star Wars or The Princess Bride.


16. Chapter 16: One Plus One Equals Three by Schmerg_The_Impaler [ - ] (9905 words)
I do not own Harry Potter, anything Disney related, or whatnot. Those t-shirts don't exist in real life, but they should. Lyrics are courtesy of Elton John and Tim Rice, and Frank Wildhorn and Nan Knighton.




17. The Big, Fat Epilogue by Schmerg_The_Impaler [ - ] (5666 words)
WELL, LADIES AND GENTS, this is it! The end of all things Potter's Pentagon from me, unless I really go nuts at some point. I will miss this lunacy. I do not own The Princess Bride, Pride and Prejudice, or any of those things, and the bungled lyrics that I mentioned are hideous misappropriations of lyrics by The Beatles and Elton John.)