Reviews For Callus
Reviewer: ProfPosky
Date: 07/14/14 14:14
Chapter: broken

Ah. So, you ask for reviews, and I know what it is like not to get a review when you post something, so I am going to try to review this for you even though normally, in this case, I wouldn't.

There are a few little technical difficulties - is it one child or more, because "what gender they were" implies at least twins, but everywhere else you use the singular. Also, possibly intentionally, you seem to have an ambiguous time line in the last few sentences. This is really nothing of issue, and easily fixed - I don't see any overwhelming technical flaws.

However, I think you have something here that is not what you think it is. which I think is perfectly ok, possibly even a positive.

You have a substantial story. You tell it with economy. The compression of meaning is almost poetic. But I think your main character is seriously out of character.

You use the characters, and what we know about what Hermione has been through, to frame the story, but this is not really Hermione. Even given trauma, this is not Hermione as we know her. Yes, she could break, anyone could, but I don't see that Hermione Granger would break in quite this way. Intellect is her fall back position and even if she broke, she would be struggling back towards it in some way. This is not Hermione's diction - granted, she is a mess, but still, it is too far off. You have a good character, one who holds together in a very credible way, but she is not Hermione. It is unnecessary that we know the husband, or the lover, or even the husband's family, as the people they are in the Potterverse - the story holds without any of that resonance, in a way that stories which rely even in a small part on Potterverse magic really don' easily do.

In other words, I find this to be straddling a line between original fiction and fan fiction. Obviously, to you this is Hermione and Ron and Dean Thomas and Molly Weasley, and in that sense, fan fic it is. However, I think you have a Hermione who is really someone else entirely, and if one accepts the character as an OC, then the story works perfectly well.

This is by no means a bad thing. It's a different thing of a very decent quality. As a fan fic, I would have to say it falls short on Hermione's characterization - if she's not Hermione, though, then the story is fine.



(This posted before I was totally done with it and when I reread it an hour or two later, found a heinous typo and had to delete and re-post to fix it.)

Reviewer: Wenlock
Date: 07/12/14 21:29
Chapter: broken

Wow! I don't know how you did it, but your writing flows like thoughts, rather than writing. At times it has a rhythm, like poetry.
My favorite paragraph is, "I tried to laugh. He sat down next to me and put his arm around me. I did not want him to touch me. I smelt of betrayal, I felt like lust and emptiness. I was going to contaminate him, and he was clean and perfect and I was not worth his time."
It is powerful writing, that really drew me in.
There was a tiny detail that was a bit distracting. It's not that big of a deal, but it might be good to familiarize yourself a bit better with the symptoms of early pregnancy, for future stories. For example, morning sickness can happen at any time of the day - it's just nausea and/or vomiting associated with pregnancy. And the weight gain doesn't usually happen until after the morning sickness is over. Not that big of a deal, it just pulled me out of the story / distracted me. The rest of your story had me glued to the screen, though. That's probably why this small detail stood out so much.

Anyways... I loved it. Keep writing, because you are excellent.

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