Chapter 1: The Sleeping Dog
I've just discovered this piece and must tell you I'm enjoying it very much. You found a very intriguing voice for Sirius! I love the way you depicted life at his house and compared it to life with the Potters. And the element of his love for Lily really does amp up the energy of the story... I fear he is in for way more anguish than he even can imagine at this point. Poor Sirius.
Your style is compelling. I confess I do not enjoy reading loads of description, and as you stated in your notes, such is necessary when setting up a story that is going to be written on a larger scale. But even with all the description, you've got a rhythm to it that works. It doesn't bog down the fic the way it so often does, in my opinion. I've given up on many a story simply because I was unwilling to wade through all the description and whatnot. But here, you've made it work.
The Wizarding World was still bright and full of happiness, save for an incident every couple of months that would remind them of the darkness lurking on their world's underbelly.
... I love this bit, and many others like it, where you've found just the perfect way to express something in an original way.
Back to Sirius for a moment... love his behavior in the street so very much, flirting and being dramatic, and teasing about McGonagal. It's exactly as I imagine him and his sense of humor. So good.
Two little nitpicks: first, the entirety of chapter one is in bold type, and it's kind of painful (on the eyes) to read. Since your other chapters aren't that way, I assumed this was an accident. Also, you end paragraphs with a comma sometimes when spoken dialogue is the next thing. I'm no beta, but I've never seen that before... anyway, not sure if it's incorrect. Just something I noticed.
Really nice work. Chapter two must wait till tomorrow, but I will definitely be back for more. Hope you will be posting a new chapter soon! Happy writing!
Hi, Grace. This is Vicki of Slytherin House, commenting on the very promising beginning of your story. Any narrative that has been percolating in your brain for so long must have aged like a fine wine, donâ€™t you think? I am glad that you finally decided to pour it out for us readers.
One thing that immediately struck me about your story is that everythingâ€”details, settings, conversations, actionâ€”serves to propel the story forward. Itâ€™s surprising how many authors, even published ones, include extraneous stuff that seems to be just stuck in there for no purpose, distracting the reader from the progress of the story, bogging down the story line. Thanks for not doing that!
There is a richness in the way you describe the home lives of Lily and James and Sirius. It does help to establish their characters well, as you intended, by showing how they interact with other people, but I hope that more plot elements will appear soon in subsequent chapters. The amount of richness in the detail is just about right; if it were any greater, I would feel as if I were getting bogged down, but you have achieved a good balance, not too much or too little.
So far you are doing a good job in keeping your story neatly tacked to canon at many little points along the way. Each time one of these momentary references to canon appears, we feel that your story is touching base with JK Rowlingâ€™s story; it gives the reader a feeling of confidence that this story will be good.
You also show wise restraint in your episodes of conversation (Lily and Petunia at home, Lily and Snape in the cafe) that involve tension and some bad feelings; it is easy to over-write such scenes and turn the characters into caricatures, but you did not fall into that error.
Your writing style is very fluid and graceful, with many nice turns of phrase, just different enough to be fresh and noticeable without being â€śfar outâ€ť or straining for effect. I was surprised to see you ask for a beta at the end of the last chapter. If this story is unedited by a beta, then it is a testament to your excellent writing ability. I saw only a few grammar and word-usage errors, plus of course the inevitable few pesky typos that yield themselves only to a second set of eyes. Itâ€™s really quite clean.
I hope that you will be regaling us with more chapters soon. I suppose this will be mainly a love story, but I am enjoying the glimpses of the beginnings of the tumult that eventually turned into the first wizarding war. Nice job.
wonderful! I love your Lily - in fact I love all three of them. You have done a masterpiece so far - so please do continue! :)
Chapter 1: The Sleeping Dog
Wow! You made my day! This is so well written, with so much depth that I am putting this story in my favourites and looking foraward to read some more. Thank you!
Author's Response: Hi, Kobbiblue!
Thanks so much for such an enthusiastic review! You made MY day, and I hope you keep reading and enjoying.
Thanks for an interesting first chapter!
So a few thoughts that went through my mind when reading it:
- nice with a poem at the beginning
- french? Do anybody know that sentence, or would they have to look it up like me?
- Is it a flashback or real time? Not really sure... But I like his imagination of himself as an old man.
- Nice detail with the metaphor of the mountain and Lily.
Overall a lot of depth and strength in the story and it makes you want to read on and see what is hiding on the other side.
I am curious :)
Author's Response: Hey!
Thank you very much for your review.
- Thanks, I went back and forth about how to begin, and something poetic seemed right...
- French. I wasn't sure about this, as I know what people mean by je ne sais quoi when I hear it SPOKEN-- but I myself had to look up how to write it properly...
- The prologue is actually a flash FORWARD. I know that's confusing as the first chapter then begins with a flashback. I have actually changed the first chapter now to make it a little less confusing. But the prologue is a glimpse into Sirius' mind well into our story...
- Thank you very much:)