Hi, Kate. This is Vicki from Slytherin House. I read your story a few months ago, but didn’t write a review then. But a first story certainly deserves more than one review, so I give you some comments now.
Actually, this is a sweet little story, even though it involves violence. Your writing style is good, very fluid without being too wordy. There are no awkward sentences or questionable word choices. And although there is not a lot of description, I can still envision the scene easily.
My initial thought was that the structure of the situation is unlikely. I don’t imagine that Molly and Arthur would let Ginny join the Order; she is supposed to be in school. It’s more likely that the Aurors Office, rather than the Order, would be pursuing Death Eaters. The force sent against the Death Eaters would probably have been older, more experienced people rather than so many 17 to 20-year-olds. And the professors would not have been doing this; they would have been at school teaching.
But hey, this is fiction, not real life, and you can structure the situation anyway you want.
Your story starts off actively, with a bang, and that is how to capture our attention. The run-up to the present encounter is told as a little flashback, but interleaved with some descriptive lines of Ginny’s sensations in the fight, to keep us in the present; you do not allow the flashback to drag us away from the story of the present moment, and that is good.
Your battle scene is active and moves at a brisk pace. You have managed to make many things (and a good variety of things) happen in a short space of time. This gives us a sense of the fast, rather disorganized action. I thought to myself, when you listed the members of the Order who were present, They should have brought more manpower, and I see that you had them come to that same conclusion also. It was good to include that sentence Perhaps they had needed a stronger force after all, to indicate that the mistaken judgment was theirs, not the author’s!
You make your story interesting by including a marked change of pace from the chaos of battle to the suddenly calm second half of the story after Ginny has been struck. When she notices that “George” didn’t look scared or worried, the astute reader can instantly suspect that this is not George, but Fred, and when you mention that he has both ears, even the not-very-astute reader will realize that this is Fred. That is good. The final section of the story is much more appreciated when we know that Ginny is being supported and accompanied to the afterlife by the spirit of her beloved brother. Knowing it is Fred, we can understand what Harry is seeing as he approaches them. (Of course, if we are not-at-all-astute, you make sure, in the last line, that we figure it out.)
You refer to this as a little story, but you have packed a lot of information and action into a short span of words. That is a talent, not to talk all around your subject, not to drone on and on, or fail to tell the difference between sentences that advance your plot and sentences that are just filler. I see that you have some other story ideas also; I hope that you do write them down and submit them, and I hope that we readers will be more conscientious about writing reviews!
Interesting ending, but still a bit too sad for me.