MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
(Signed) · Date:
04/16/14 17:55 · For:
This is Vicki of Slytherin House, commenting on your lovely little poem Remembrance Day.
It’s a short poem, not lots of words, but with a controlled structure that does not ramble. Each of the five verses has a clear and distinct focus, so that you say a lot in twenty short lines.
The repetition of “One year ago” at the beginning of each verse ties the verses together, and then it is topped off by the sudden change in the expression of time, from “one year” to “a thousand years”, and from “ago” (in the past) to “on” (in the future). This sudden change is a signal of what all the preceding lines meant, and leads us directly to the conclusion that we must draw.
Your style is simple, direct, and completely accessible. At a time like this (the one-year anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts), plain language is more appropriate and has more force than flowery or convoluted language would have had. You use plan but forceful words and phrases, such as “ruined”, “maimed”, “tatters”, “dismal”, “and finally good came out [on] top”. (I think you meant to have the word “on” in there, no?)
There are no absolute rhymes, but the poem has several cases of similar sounding words: forces-ashes, dismal-tunnel, top-job, and, best of all, apart-hearts. By having the best rhyme at the end, you give the end a little more punch. It feels as if the poem is wrapped up.
This was a nice job, and it deserves a review, so that you will know that the people who have clicked on your poem have also appreciated it. I hope that you will write more.