MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
Name: Equinox Chick
(Signed) · Date:
10/20/13 13:46 · For:
I really felt for Merope here. You’ve conveyed her unrelenting torment very well in this poem, and with so few words. It’s a depressing poem, with no light, but that was Merope’s life in her last few days, and the acute pain she is in shows.
I loved the imagery you used.
The sky but a darkened ash from the
Arson of wooden love.
This is brilliant. The ‘arson of wooden love’ is especially powerful, showing the destructive nature of the artificial love she created.
However, there were one or two places where I thought you might have overplayed the images and adverbs stiffly collapses for instance, didn’t quite make sense because if you collapse, then you’re floppy and malleable.
Leaning ‘gainst a weakening foundation
Do mortal failings strike her icy heart,
Abandoned by will and burdened with sorrow;
The vile emptiness seeps in to consume.
I was also unsure about the punctuation here because the second line suggests that this is a question. I was a little confused about what was happening because of that and think you may want to play a little with the order of the words.
I did enjoy reading it, though. ~Carole~
Author's Response: Thank you! I see what you mean about it sounding like a question, and I really have to stop using archaic syntax, especially when I only use it in one line for the entire poem. :)