Reviewer: crf_123
Date: 11/05/15 1:09
Chapter: Part 1- Phantasma

Yu cheap oakley Xi coach outlet is celine handbags ashamed asics to coach outlet be softball bats buried in a michael kors bags sale small, pandora charms face, michael kors lying, replica watches and wedding dresses by jordan retro his pandora charms own abercrombie and fitch sunscreen. (WWW.mianhuatang.CC's p90x workout novel nike roshe cotton retro jordans candy

Starting the north face from swarovski jewelry the louis vuitton neck, soccer shoes a lululemon outlet little baseball bats down, ugg those true religion outlet fiery prada big toms shoes Zhang ray ban wandering chanel bags in the pandora jewelry body, harrods originally tiffany is louis vuitton dry. gucci The giuseppe zanotti hot summer, hilfiger outlet the, nike more bcbg max azria dry. abercrombie Hot, christian louboutin shoes really prada handbags want pandora to quickly roshe runs jumped pandora jewellery in the air max pool, prada outlet cool.

But the north face he toms outlet helped gucci shoes her tory burch outlet to hogan wipe beats by dr dre the michael kors back, and ralph lauren outlet online she tory burch turned ugg boots clearance her jordan release dates body.

"Don't michael kors put nike factory it nike free on!"

"Why? air max Not bottega afraid toms shoes outlet of new balance tanning?" Shen abercrombie and fitch kids Linyuan nike air at her, barbour jackets her mcm bags young. converse shoes Asks, michael kors but michael kors outlet online already knows., hermes birkin tender, the north face sensitive. Oh, coach handbags how oakley outlet could cheap michael kors he ralph lauren not nike store feel michael kors outlet online the chanel bags change of her basketball shoes body.

In her ralph lauren outlet next to squat, michael kors outlet online sale hands pandora toward her longchamp neck, adidas Yu cheap jerseys Xi harm itch, louis vuitton sound of cheap ray ban laughter, p90x sat hollister up, new balance shoes and Shen tiffany jewelry Linyuan michael kors handbags by air max 2015 back. cheap jerseys "Don't oakley be ugg so uggs outlet excited. north face Although north face no oakley one. coach outlet store online But, we christian louboutin shoes also bcbg dresses cannot burberry outlet online really in michael kors outlet online broad omega watches daylight, gucci shoes do nike something, roshe run ah......"

"Shen Linyuan adidas Yin beats by dre official reads

! hilfiger Your michael kors evil! adidas Old air max Meng!" ralph lauren polo Yu michael kors Xi air jordans Qi yoga pants is mizuno running a ray bans big reebok channel.

"You louis vuitton don't ray ban sunglasses mess. oakley sunglasses Still, the north face I horloges don't lululemon flow. salvatore ferragamo Meng?" mac cosmetics He ray ban sunglasses outlet said coach outlet store sadly, thomas sabo Zuohuaibuluan cheap jordans to eyeglasses online her cheap shoes wiping, oakley sunglasses and Yu new balance Xize chanel nervously burberry outlet pay close coach outlet online attention to mont blanc pens the puma chair, cheap ugg boots the hollister wipe ferragamo after, ray ban she converse has hollister clothing store the jordan shoes whole michael kors outlet body is mac cosmetics the nike free run perspiration.

She gucci outlet was in a salomon hurry handbags outlet to longchamp outlet be beats by dre in vans the longchamp water, louboutin Shen polo ralph lauren outlet Linyuan nike air max will roshe run she christian louboutin pulled michael kors outlet online back, timberland shoes "in gucci shoes the michael kors morning to christian louboutin outlet eat? tiffany So mcm handbags hurry air max down, adidas afraid nike roshe you can coach outlet not nike stand!"

He ray ban asked, ray ban in yoga pants a thoughtful abercrombie and fitch and caring manner.

"Eat uhren a ralph lauren outlet online steamed louis vuitton outlet stuffed tory burch outlet bun!"

He eyeglass frames listens, burberry handbags quickly coach factory outlet picked up the nike huarache intercom, womens clothing please gucci handbags send cheap oakley sunglasses two michael kors handbags copies christian louboutin of louis vuitton juice cheap oakley sunglasses and ugg boots cookies michael kors outlet over watermelon.

Yu swarovski crystal Xi thought michael kors uk the burberry waitress, nike quickly ralph lauren took nike store a rolex watches towel wrapped ray ban sunglasses himself.

Shen Linyuan hollister clothing took louis vuitton her ugg in adidas schuhe his ralph lauren arms, burberry outlet "you......"

His oakley sunglasses cheap hand longchamp handbags is not air max honest louis vuitton in the tiffany and co towel ralph lauren polo under hermes the coach factory outlet online mischief, jordan and timberland boots blow watches a Yu, burberry outlet Shen Linyuan beats headphones stuck ferragamo shoes in nike mercurial her flat iron ear.

"Where relojes did polo outlet online I lululemon go michael kors yesterday? tommy hilfiger outlet Well?" air max He's new balance not nike free 5.0 looking for designer handbags her chanel handbags as long tommy hilfiger as huarache she's nike roshe run safe, babyliss and polo ralph give rolex watches her abercrombie and fitch kids plenty kate spade of hilfiger online shop personal space.

If in barbour jacket outlet the toms outlet past, you hollister must tory burch sale ask her ray ban outlet where burberry outlet to go, ralph lauren see what ray ban wayfarer people, true religion jeans or ed hardy directly uggs on sale to uggs find.

"Go prada handbags to tiffany the juicy couture angel hermes outlet house, gucci the juicy couture outlet clock instyler fine moncler jackets of air jordan shoes the iphone cases money gucci outlet donated, ugg boots anyway, louis vuitton I'm louis vuitton not michael kors short swarovski of thomas sabo money oakley with my mom." Yu adidas Xi vans said tommy hilfiger softly.

Shen levi's jeans Linyuan the north face micro swarovski Leng, woolrich clearance Jianmei rolex watches for sale micro pick, "why true religion don't nike you kate spade tell true religion outlet me, let converse me go ugg australia with nike you?!"

He longchamp asked kate spade outlet me oakley gruffly, hair straightener touched jimmy choo by her michael kors kindness.

"Why nfl jerseys do ralph lauren outlet online you wedding dresses tell michael kors you ralph lauren outlet everything......" Yu Xi air force muttered, christian louboutin outlet the louis vuitton outlet waiter swarovski a juice abercrombie and fitch and prada shoes biscuits marc jacobs had calvin klein to vans shoes side, louboutin Yu burberry outlet online Xi moncler outlet hurriedly swarovski to bebe dresses sit, the north face Shen nike free run Linyuan burberry does supra shoes not cheap nike shoes allow, nike canada hands coach purses outlet still michael kors outlet do replica handbags mischief, ugg australia provoked adidas her north face outlet very insanity workout tense hollister and new balance outlet sad.

tommy hilfiger

Reviewer: Oregonian
Date: 04/16/13 15:08
Chapter: Part 3 - Ethereal

I have read a lot of your poetry, so I was intrigued about seeing how you handle a prose piece. I enjoyed reading your story; it was very imaginative. The first part (Merope's initial interactions with Abraxas) and third part (Merope's interactions with Salazar and Abraxas in the castle) were written in a more straightforward manner, though with your trademark colorful description. The central part (after Merope drinks the potion until she wakes up in the cottage) was almost surrealistic. If I wrote the story, I would use fewer adjectives, but that would be my style, not yours.

The third part was a little confusing to me; I had to read it over again to get a good handle on what was going on and to understand more fully the conversation between Abraxas and Salazar. That is not bad; I like a story that makes me struggle a bit to catch the implications of things not spelled out in words of one syllable. And in the end there were still points I was unsure of -- some of the specifics of what Abraxas and Salazar were planning, whether Abraxas had visited Salazar before, why Abraxas needed to make his own antidote when it seemed that Salazar had plenty of it, etc. But that is how it often is in real life, questions remaining unanswered, skeletal remains never identified.

On the technical side some items of grammar and word choice needed to be improved. There were places where a past participle was used in the place of a past tense, such as "She almost sunk to a heap on the floor." It should be "She almost sank..." ("sank" is a past tense) or else "She has/had almost sunk..." ('sunk" is a past participle, like "eaten' or 'flown", and needs a helping verb "has" or 'had'). In other places a past tense was used where you needed a past participle ("she had never ran for her life before" needs to be "she had never run..." and "she had drank a potion" needs to be "she had drunk a potion).

In a few spots it appeared that you were looking for a particular word but ended up with a similar-sounding word that actually has a different meaning. At one point you said "allies" (friends, supporters) when I think you were looking for "alleys" (paths, roadways), and there were a few other spots of this sort.

These flaws don't detract from the pace or imagination of the story, but they give it an unpolished sound. To your group of betas who advise you on plot and characterization, you could add a beta who is simply a stickler for grammar and word usage.

Speaking of characterization, I though you did a good job depicting Merope's dejected and depressed personality, the result of a lifetime of abuse. But you also showed flashes of the strength and initiative that she could have had under better circumstances, if she had lived longer.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review. :) I like the points you made on my grammar- to be honest, it's more my computer/keyboard hitting the wrong letter and autocorrecting to what it think it should be in that moment, which is annoying. So if I spell "run" wrong on accident from going to fast, it likes to make it "ran." And, of course, I suck with past tense grammar. Anyways, the point of the mystery was because it was supposed to focus mainly on Merope, who wouldn't even know why Abraxas did what he did. I debated leaving it completely from her point of view, but I felt a few questions- not all- neede to be answered. In the future, I may revise it. It makes me happy to have you think I characterized Merope well. Abraxas and Slytherin, on the other hand, were much harder! And then, we must remember that this was based on picture prompts given one at a time, and then only a month three weeks to tie it all together. I am not a fast prose writer! *chuckles* This being one of my few Chaptered stories, I was pretty proud of how it turned out. Thanks again for your review. ;) I love to hear from you!

Reviewer: Lost_Robin
Date: 11/21/12 16:07
Chapter: Part 3 - Ethereal

Go, fellow challenger! Good luck!

Author's Response: Thank you, Lost_Robin. :) I hope you enjoyed the story, and I wish you good luck on yours, too. Cheers! ~Nagini

You must login (register) to review.
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.

We have stories and authors in this archive.


Choose Theme:
Not From Others by FloreatCastellum 6th-7th Years
She may not have been able to join Harry, Ron and Hermione, but Ginny refuses...
A Seer Named Rosemary Snape by PlutoLovegood 1st-2nd Years
In 2018 Neville and Harry deliver a Hogwarts acceptance letter to Rosemary Snape...
Gelido Dormitabis (An Icy Slumber) by Nagini Riddle 3rd-5th Years
A poetic look at the oppressive sleep of the Inferi within the icy cave.Written...
A Christmas Choice by coolh5000 3rd-5th Years
After working late one Christmas Eve and missing yet another day out with his...
Winter at the Castle by Oregonian 1st-2nd Years
The winter solstice, the shortest, harshest days of the year. Would you have...
A Passing Fancy by HalfASlug 1st-2nd Years
The Yule Ball is on the horizon and Neville knows only one girl that he wants...
Four Christmases by Squibstress 6th-7th Years
Minerva attempts to teach Severus Occlumency and perhaps something more.