Hi, H.H. This is Vicki of Slytherin House, commenting on your poem. It is a good poem, and I sure hope that you take heart from your reviews and keep up with the writing.
One thing I like about your poem is the recognition of the emotions that Sirius had during the Sorting process. In the books we see Sirius as an older teenager or a grown man, and we tend to forget that he started at Hogwarts as an eleven-year-old boy, as unsure and nervous as any of them. You describe him as anxious, frightened, shaking with anticipation, and yet exhilarated. All of this makes perfect sense. The image is intensified by your description of his actions, gripping the stool and trembling, shaking his head (apparently not daring to whisper to the hat).
I like your recognition that in the moment before the Hat renders its decision, time seems to stand still; it must be that way for many students when the Hat does not shout out an instant decision, as it did for Draco, for example. By the way, your line there says Time hung still all; is that what you meant, or did some words get transposed?
Since Gryffindor is the House of the brave, it is quite appropriate for you to feature this quality in your poem. You have the Hat giving voice to ideas that Sirius had not dared to give words to before, that he wanted to defy his family, even though that would carry frightening consequences. When the Hat says, “You’re just afraid, but I know where you belong,” the Hat is acknowledging that courage is not merely the absence of fear, but the will to forge ahead in spite of fear. It seems that Sirius understands that at the end, when he no longer doubts that he belongs in the House of the brave.
There is a lot of meat packed into this little poem. You have done a good job.
Author's Response: Hi Vicki! Thank you so much for your review. It means a lot- made my day. :) I forgot I had uploaded this until I saw your review, so I'm going to have to guess that some words got transposed or I made a careless mistake. I have continued with writing, much thanks to the awesome people who leave reviews, but none of it has been HP fanfic. The time and thought you put into this review is just amazing, thanks again! H.H.
Hi! I just wanted to say first off that I commend you for delving into the mysterious world that is poetry. :P
I have to agree with Carole- I liked how this started off, because I really could sense the anticipation. I think, though, that you could play around with structure. You seem to have all the dialogue stay as one line, but I think by breaking them up so they stay the same length as the other lines would not only make the overall visual more appealing, but it would also help emphasize certain points of your poem.
As for ideas? I don't know what you like and don't like, but I think it would be interesting to see you write about insignificant things and make them have more importance, like nifflers or perhaps a certain spell that has some glory to it, like "expelliarmus." But keep writing! It really helps to do so if you want to improve. :)
P.S. I wouldn't mind some reviews from you!
Author's Response: Nagini- Thanks for the review, I really appreciate it! The mysterious world of HP poetry has opened its doors. :P I'll try the out the visual appeal idea- constructive criticism FTW! I've got another idea, and I'm working on it, but I'll give your idea a go when life doesn't tie me down. Thanks again for the review! :D (I'll be around at your work in a mo. :D I've read some of your poems before, but I can't remember whether I've left you a review.)
Thought I should return the favour as you've left so many lovely reviews.
This is an interesting poem. I like the way you start with the 'worn hat dropping' and then Sirius' anxiety because we know he really doesn't want to be in Slytherin, but it must be so very hard to defy your families expectations when you're only eleven. You built up the tension to the moment when the hat shouts its verdict very well.
The only thing I think you could possibly look at is some of the sentence structure. What I mean is that by allowing some lines not to start with capitals, it may help the poem flow better because then you read the lines in one without too much of a pause.
Hmm, you want some ideas? How about poems about the other Marauders' Sortings. I bet Peter would be interesting.
Author's Response: Hi Carole! Thanks for the review. I really appreciate it! :D This really made me smile, 'cause I know I've got LOTS of room to improve. :P I'll attempt to fix the capitalization, I orginally didn't have it written out like that, but Microsoft Word... Hmm... Peter's Sorting... That would be an interesting one- maybe a one-shot would be better than a poem. I guess I'll have to see what time allows. :P Thanks again!!! :D -H.H.