Reviewer: Equinox Chick
Date: 11/30/13 16:00
Chapter: Where I Feel at Home...

This reads rather like a song; the repetition of certain words make it seem like a refrain, which is lovely. This is a poignant slant on Harry's life where he's thinking 'what if?' and it's horrible the way that his dream of something warm and bright with his parents turns to the horrific reality he lives in.

But warm sunny days transform to cold horrible nights/ Filled with shadows of demons

I think you should fiddle a little with these lines, though. 'Demons' aren't really a part of the Potterverse, and although you can use the word to mean something dark that haunts you, you've used 'shadow' as well, so it's a little tautologous. With the other line, 'horrible' seems a little trite to use, and as itmakes the line slightly overlong, I'd remove it.

And everything sinks into the depths of the mind, / Like a weathered old tome sinking into an endless abyss

I really like this set of lines (although I'd possibly remove old because I think weathered is descriptive enough) because they show how things change for Harry when he wakes.

Well done ~Carole~

Reviewer: Nagini Riddle
Date: 10/17/12 19:49
Chapter: Where I Feel at Home...

Hello!

I really enjoyed getting to read this, and there are some things you did really well, especially with your metaphors.

I would have liked to see less of the ellipses, because they were somewhat distracting. They worked well for the lines "And I hope," and "Let it take you home," and maybe even "And I sink," but in the other areas, it really made me try to slow down and understand what you were going for, and I think it works far better without the ellipses.

I also would have liked a little more repetition of certain phrases. One more time for "Warm sunny days," would have really helped to tie the poem together. I also feel like perhaps your title doesn't fit for the poem because of the certain phrases you emphasized. I would title it "Nostalgia," or "Reminiscence." Or, to make it fit even more, I would title it "One Last Shining Moment." Your title makes me think of something happier, but here you have a memory turning to something dark and then the hope to be able to return to those memories. At least, that's how I interpreted it. I may be wrong.

Overall, though, I think you did very well. :) If you want to get better feedback on poetry, join Poetry Anyone? in the beta forums. They are super helpful and a delightful group to share poetry with.

Keep writing! :)

~Nagini

Author's Response: Hi Nagini! Thank you for the throughly amazing review!! You have definitely given me a lot of things to think about! I hope I can take this and apply it to get better. You didn't interpret it wrong it all. I did fear that that might be the case, concerning the title I mean. What do you think about "When Dreams Become Nightmares" or "A Beautiful Lie"? But can I still change the title? Anyways, you're suggestions will be rattling in my noggin for awhile, and I will definitely check that club out. Thank you again for the amazing review! It really made my day! :)

You must login (register) to review.
Information
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.


We have stories and authors in this archive.

:

RSS
Choose Theme:
SOCIAL MEDIA
     
MOST RECENT
Cera Hipkiss is (Apparently) Annoying by Kceratops 6th-7th Years
As Cera Hipkiss begins her sixth year at Hogwarts, she is pretty used to feeling...
Harry Potter and the Sorting Hat's Choice by EmmaGM 1st-2nd Years
The smallest detail can influence thousands of lives. An other universe story...
Tom Riddle and the Cave of Living Waters by alittletiefling 6th-7th Years
What would happen if Tom Marvolo Riddle had been adopted by well-meaning squibs?...
FEATURED
Where Light and Shadow Meet by Ennalee 1st-2nd Years
All his life, Percy has built and gathered, painted and carved, and now everything...
Different in the Morning by Gmariam 3rd-5th Years
Seventh year is almost over, and after indulging in the kitchen a bit too much...
Rid of Me by littlebird 6th-7th Years
Hermione gets the cat, the flat, the food, and the furniture. Ron gets the family...
CATEGORIES