I can’t believe I haven’t thought about how Remus would react when he first saw that he was situated in the same carriage as Harry when he awoke on the Hogwarts Express in Prisoner. As soon as I realised what I would be reading, I was intrigued to find out how you portrayed this.
I thought your depiction of Remus was very accurate: writing from first person allowed us an interesting view into his mind during the scene, and added new depth to his actions. When he said that “as long as I’m around, James and Lily’s son will never cease to be protected”, you emphasised his loyalty to his friends: as though he was keeping them alive through Harry. I thought it was clever to make him think that Harry was James the moment Remus saw him, as it instantly highlighted his unceasing attachment.
You said, “I yell about the Dementors, scream about Sirius. I bawl about the danger he had put everyone through”, and I felt like I wanted to see this -- to see Remus in action. What words did he use to verbalise his pain? Were your reasons for doing it this way because it was more of an internal monologue story rather than an action- or dialogue-driven one? I did like the fact that it was very focused on his thoughts, but I wondered whether seeing those thoughts played out might not make the reader warm more towards Remus. He’s quite passive in the story, and seeing him defend his best friend after years of silence could potentially be a powerful scene.
By framing the story with Remus’s memories of his past -- particularly in the dream at the beginning -- I think you underlined the fact that this is more a Marauder tale than a “Trio” tale. This suggested that Remus was still stuck in the past, which contrasted nicely with the style of writing. It appeared to me that by having Remus narrate in the present tense you showed two conflicting sides of his personality: the part stuck in the past, confined to “dreams of nostalgic glee”, and the part trying to survive in the present. This made quite a poignant effect, making him seem very isolated.
I don’t know if you’re planning on writing more from Remus’s point of view, but I’d be really interested to see how he perceived the rest of his year teaching. This snapshot was well written and, although it only depicted one scene, feels like it will stick in my mind for a while.
Short and sweet. I love how you depicted Remus. It was so sad how he thought Harry was James! :'( Anways, great job! ~Julie
I loved the way the beginning shifted from his dream of running through the forest to the reality of feeling the cold, awakening, and realizing it was the Dementors. I also liked how Remus thought of Harry as James for just those few paragraphs--that seemed very real after having just come out of a deep sleep about his friends. You touched on a really interesting point about Remus being worried about the additional danger he might be bringing to Hogwarts. I had not thought of that, but it makes sense given the glimpses of his guilt we read later on in the story. The ending with his resolve to protect Harry was well done, I can totally see that as canon. Nice voice, nice style - good job! ~Gina :)