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Reviews For The Loannes Potion

Name: Equinox Chick (Signed) · Date: 10/21/13 13:12 · For: Chapter One
I think this is a good idea. The search for a cure for Lycanthropy is one that must obsess Potioneers werewolves (and those who love werewolves) to an inordinate degree. Having the story start with the knowledge that the Potion works is actually a good set up because then we’re waiting for how this will be applied. The contrast between your two Potioneers at the beginning is striking, and both meeting a grisly end adds some spice to the story. I am curious as to the timeframe this is set in. John and Richard appear to speak in quite archaic language, (‘cursed affair’ for example) and I’m guessing this is pre-Wolfsbane time as they don’t mention it, so John’s recipe must have been around for some time. Then with the Freemans, this has to be post Battle as Hagrid isn’t meeting them on the boats, and it must be post-Remus because he was the first werewolf allowed to attend Hogwarts. However, there is a small glitch in your description of Rolf’s transformations because he would have had access to Wolfsbane, and thus his transformations would not have been painful. In effect, he’d have curled up and slept.

I found your original characters were engaging. We gain a great deal of information about them in that second chapter, and it was interesting to see the relationship between Rolf and his sister. She’s supportive at home, but obviously she can’t fake anything for the Sorting hat, so they could very well be split into different houses. I wasn’t entirely sure about Willie. I did like him, and I’m sure he’s going to be a very supportive friend for Rolf, but his parents not taking him to Platform-nine-and-three-quarters did strike me as rather extreme. Even the Dursleys took Harry, although admittedly they left him to find the platform himself.

You might want to have a quick read-through as there were a few small errors in the prologue and the first chapter. An ‘it’s’ for ‘its’ in the final paragraph, for instance. And there are some sentences which might need a comma or an extra word added. For example:

But before he could clear the pot of its substance, it had exploded in his face from overheating for too long, leaving Richard to die at once and the piece parchment he was holding with the original directions on it, to burn to a crisp making extremely illegible.

This is a very long sentence and would probably be best written as two. So, personally, I would use a fullstop after the word ‘once’ (or you could use another comma). Also there are some missing words. It should be piece ‘of’ parchment, and making ‘it’ extremely illegible.

On the whole, this is an original idea and I’m interested in how you finish it. Rolf discovering the piece of paper in his Potions’ book was intriguing. I wonder how it got there? I’m thinking that Rolf has somehow got hold of John’s book, which sets up even more questions.

Good start. ~Carole~

Name: Dad (Signed) · Date: 09/17/12 10:48 · For: Chapter One
Interesting set of new characters. I am not quite sure of the time period this is set in. Is it before or after Remus Lupin attended Hogwarts?

Author's Response: It is set after Remus Lupin and the Trio's time. I would say that the prologue was set in the 2020's and the first chaprter and the remainder of the book is set eleven years after that. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate it! ~crbluvsravenclaw

Name: Lost_Robin (Signed) · Date: 08/14/12 0:04 · For: Prologue
Sounds good so far, just a couple minor errors. Hope to read more soon.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviwing my story! I am still writing the first chapter, but I will try to have it up shortly! ~crbluvsravenclaw

Name: rambkowalczyk (Signed) · Date: 07/31/12 16:29 · For: Prologue
Your prologue was much more captivating than your summary. I think if you want more people to read your story, you could at least say it's a quest to find the lost potion for Lycanthopy (among other things). imho.

As a nitpick, you made the same mistake that JKR made. She forgot the full moon always rises at sunset.

Although you have made Rich clearly evil, one wonders of the backstory of John. Good luck.

Author's Response: Haha, thank you so much for the review and for reading! I really appreciate it. I don't know if John or Rich will make a rreappearence as a flashnack or something, but I like your point. As for the full moon, I know when it rises, but the potion had workd so John hadn't been paying attention to the moon, but I will take another look at it. Thank you again for the great criticism! ~crbluvsravenclaw~

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