Reviews For The Serpent Master
Reviewer: Oregonian
Date: 01/04/14 2:36
Chapter: Chapter 2 An Odd Afternoon

Hi, Shaun. I see in your bio that you are a Creative Writing student, and it does show in your work. You have more description in your sentences than one often sees in the work of new writers, and the sentences are more fluid. Your scenes are well fleshed out, and the events are easy to visualize.

I also appreciate that you have several original characters, including your protagonists, and are managing so far to avoid the common stereotypes that develop so easily when the same characters are used over and over. But still you peg your story firmly to canon, at least so far, by including cameo appearances by characters we already know. Your original characters are not completely developed yet, of course, but we are beginning to see their personalities, Jenny’s initial denial, Cleo’s eager enthusiasm, their mother’s lifetime of keeping a low profile.

Frankly, a lot of fanfiction stories begin with children going to Hogwarts for the first time, receiving their letters, shopping in Diagon Alley, riding the train, and so on. To avoid being same-old same-old, these opening chapters need to include something distinctive, and you have done that, in utilizing original characters, in the tension between Draco and Tom, in Clare’s reluctance to tell the twins anything until now (and where is their father?), and in the as-yet-unexplained explosion and serpent attending Jenny’s acquisition of her wand.

When this story is compared with your earlier story, also posted on your author page, one can see that your skill in the craft of writing has progressed. There are still some slightly rough sentences that could stand more editorial polish, such as the final sentence of chapter two, but the story has the major virtue of not being boring, and that is saying something, because we have all read slick stories that were, for all their slickness, boring. I hope you will finish it someday.

Vicki

Reviewer: JCJ58
Date: 07/09/12 0:41
Chapter: Chapter 1 The House of Abel

looking forward to more of your story

Reviewer: crbluvsravenclaw
Date: 07/08/12 21:48
Chapter: Chapter 1 The House of Abel

Yay! Your first review! I really liked this chapter and I can't wait until chapter two is up!

" For Jenny was looking at the floor, {he} hands under her upper legs which were swinging slowly." You have a tiny mistake in this part. It should be her instead of he... Other than that, there's no other mistakes that I found and like I said before, it was an amazing chapter and can't wait to see what's next. I want to read about their lives at Hogwarts right now so submit the next chapter soon and keep me updated!(:

Author's Response: Thank You! I have sent Chapter Two to by beta reader so as soon as its ready I'll submit it here.

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