MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
Name: Equinox Chick
(Signed) · Date:
01/07/14 6:42 · For:
I like this story. I think you've captured Luna's voice very well. The references to Blibbering Humdingers, and Invisible Meese (that made me smile as I was imagining huge mice) grounded this as a Luna story. But she wasn't too 'dippy'. You gave her some spirit, that same spirit that got both her and Ollivander through those dark days at Malfoy Manor.
I thought the reactions of everyone on the train were spot-on. Luna immediately standing up, possibly not sensing the danger, and Ginny immediately searching for a solution because she's very aware that Luna could be about to die. And you captured Bellatrix's voice very well. That horrible taunting tone she employs was well written here.
There's a canon error, though. Luna was taken on the train from Hogwarts to King's Cross, and not the other way around. We know this because Harry, Ron and Hermione visit Xenophilius during the Christmas holidays and Luna isn't there. Her clothes, books and trunk are missing and her room is dusty, so it's clear she hasn't been home since the summer. You could change this to the journey from Hogwarts, but it would mean rewriting the start, which is a shame as the references to Muggle children were good.
You might want to take another read through, too, as there were one or two places where a word was missing and thus the meaning was unclear.
For once the strange Muggle fashions and technologies weren’t enough to keep happy.
Keep who happy? Luna or the Muggle children?
Anyway, that's a minor quibble. The timeline problem is more of an issue, but it is one that could be corrected. I did enjoy the story, and as I said, I do think you caught Luna very well here, and she's a hard character to write without making her too dreamy and whimsical.
Enjoyed this, story, Aida. Well done. ~Carole~
(Signed) · Date:
04/19/13 1:42 · For:
This story is a good evocation of the climate of danger and fear that existed during the final year before the downfall of Voldemort. The conversations among the students on the train are stilted. Assuming the train is bugged, they speak in code which carries double meanings. "She had copies." The first year students are described as terrified and so scared. (It would have been nice to give a bit of description of what the first-years were doing that made them appear scared.)
Name: Nagini Riddle
The author includes brief mentions of Luna's imaginary creatures. She thinks about Blibbering Humdingers and Invisible Meese, and mentions Crumple-Horned Snorkacks and Wrackspurts in passing, during the don't-mention-anything-important conversation in the compartment. These mentions serve to show us that this is still Luna, but changes in her communication style ("Luna was getting a bit better at subterfuge") show that as she matured, she became more aware of how her speech sounded to other people.
Luna understands instantly why she is being taken from the train and why she is not in immediate danger of death. Despite her outwardly dreamy demeanor, she has a grasp of the politics of the situation. "She tried to keep her tone casual" indicates that she instantly recognized how serious this development was.
When she says, "Yes, it's very nice of them" to Bellatrix, she is continuing to maintain her facade of non-threatening naivete, although we see later in the book that she is the person who survives about three months in the Malfoy dungeon and is able to cut bonds with a hidden nail.
This story is well-written, with only the one suggestion mentioned already. It avoids stereotyping Luna as out-of-touch and reveals her innate intelligence and toughness. A good job.
(Signed) · Date:
06/27/12 16:59 · For:
I love how you characterized Luna, but in the seventh book, it said that Luna had been taken during the Christmas season. So why would she ask her friends if they had a good Christmas? She would have already been taken... (see chapter 20, Xenophilius Lovegood, pages 396-397 of the American version of the Deathly Hallows) other than that, I think that this was a great short story. You captured the essence of Luna well.