This was a great story! I have always liked ones about Qudfitch, and this one captured both the difficulty and the excitement of the sport.
It's just that in the summary, it seemed as if Albus' struggle to stay on the team was a major factor. However, in the story, it is really only in the first scene. Perhaps a few more paragraphs of his struggle internally would have improved it.
Over all, it was an excellent story, and the characterization of Albus was very nice. Rose also seemed just like I imagined her.
Great job!
Georgia
I really liked this, it was an interesting take on Next-Gen by having Albus as the Quidditch captain as opposed to James, which most people seem to do. However I thought you could have gone into more depth, particularly regarding Albus' less than exemplary captain-ing skills. In the description you noted that this was 'a personal victory for Albus over his own irresponsibility', yet personally I didn't feel this irresponsibility was developed enough.
Also a minor point that bugged me was if Rose is so skilled and knowledgeable regarding Quidditch why was she not on the team?
Overall however I thought this was well-written and enjoyable :)
Author's Response: Silverlining95, In regards to your problem about Rose, I completely agree. In the original draft, the two actually had a conversation about why Rose wasn't in Quidditch (basically, Albus was trying to recruit her), but she explained that she thought school was more important, especially with the upcoming N.E.W.T.s. This scene, however, didn't really work with the story, so I deleted it in the final draft. As to the question about Albus and his 'less than exemplary captain-ing skills', I honestly never even thought about it. I suppose I could have written it as a two chapter story, the first detailing why Albus was about to get kicked off the team. Thanks for all of your tips and advice!! -ThatHPFan
That was a lovely story. I liked the action, but I liked the sense of family support better. Rose was willing to break a vow for Al, and everyone was so concerned for him the morning of the match. I'm really glad Gryffindor won.
One tiny thing: surely in the letter it should be 230-0 to Gryffindor? Because to Slytherin means that they (Slytherin) won.
Author's Response: Wow, I cannot believe that I didn't catch that... Ha ha! Jeez, I'm in disbelief. I will fix it!! Thank you for your other coments, that was the idea ;D -ThatHPFan
