Hi, I like the romance that you set up with Minerva since she is a character that is not much associated with anything concerning romance in the books, although Rowling proceeds to fix this through her Potter website. I thought at first, it was in the perspective of Rita Skeeter, but it was only after the third paragraph that I realized it was in Benjy’s perspective. I thought you had good command over the descriptions of the setting, but the first paragraph is usually supposed to be the one that persuades the reader to continue reading further; your first paragraph did it but with half the effort. I’m sure that you could provide more insight into the situation Benjy was in. You sort of breezed through something that should have taken a bit more explanation. After all, you’re introducing the reader to the story. With Benjy, you seem to know what he’s exactly like, and I like the confidence you wrote this with—I saw it through your characterization of him. He seemed like a busy man who thought himself deserving of his dreams, comfortable where the limits of his dignities lay.

There was a typo in the sentence in the first paragraph: “Some reptile had given its life in exchange for a degusting design. Rita gave them all her plastered smile before she took a seat by the editor.� I assume that it should have been “disgusting� instead.

As with the circumstance of perspectives, I was also confused with the sudden change of who was referred to when “her� was used. I was expecting that it was Rita since she was the last the woman who was referred to (the previous paragraph, in fact), but then you wrote it was Minerva. A good thing to do before putting in another character to a scene is to introduce them first without confusing the reader. But besides that, there was this sort of tension in the air when he first came over to Minerva. I loved it. I really like how I knew there was something hanging over their heads. I just knew there was something very important happening. I thought you wrote the suspense pretty well with just the right amount of words to tell me that.

My favorite line was: “He’d ask her today.� I felt excited when I read this, although it left me completely baffled as to what. Perhaps a brief explanation of Minerva and Benjy’s relationship would have given me a clue. I partly liked the suspense that it created, but again, I was confused and it sort of threw off the vibe. I had to guess what their relationship was through their interaction—which I also liked, but there really was too much guessing involved. I like how familiar Benjy is with Minerva that he is able to predict her reactions. I also liked how you voiced Minerva here. I could totally imagine her saying “People learn to love each other.� I can imagine her tone, the meaning behind it. It’s as if it wasn’t her first choice, but she wouldn’t let it get away from her either. I think she believes that she won’t get anything else so she might as well settle for it, and it is sad, but she finally accepted it.

When Minerva hit Benjy, I thought it odd how his first reaction was to say he deserved that, but the second Minerva realizes she hit him, Benjy is suddenly shocked by her hit and staggers. It doesn’t make sense that he recognizes the damage done to his face immediately, and then makes a reaction that should have happened right after he got hit instead.

At the end, Benjy realizes that he needs to be there with Minerva because they’ve been friends for forever, but it’s also sad that he is already resigned to the fact that they would never be good as a couple anyway, let alone a married couple. I loved the plot, but the breezy interactions and inadequate explanations did not make the story as good as it should have been. I’m sure that there are areas that would that would improve easily, but don’t be discouraged! All talents need to be nurtured, and you have that talent.

Good luck!
- Dinny