Hi, Miranda. I see that you wrote this story, and your other one, a while back. I hope that you have continued writing, if not on this forum, then somewhere else, because you do seem to have some talent for storytelling, as well as a love for it.
I enjoyed this story, as far as you went with it. The part in the first chapter when Bellatrix was a little girl was strong; you seem to remember well how it is to be a little girl, how young children think and talk. You have a simple writing style, using short sentences, and although your story is not in the first person, it very definitely is seen only through Bella’s eyes, so these short sentences seem to be a reflection of how she was thinking at that age. Similarly, your characterization of her father, his inattention to her and his amoral values, shown in a few isolated incidents, reflects how little children think; a single incident can color their whole opinion of a person. It makes me wonder if one answer to that unanswered question, WHY did Bellatrix give all her devotion to the dark lord, might be that, among other things, she was looking for a father figure.
I liked the idea of her keeping lists. Not only did she see things in black and white, as you said, indeed, as children do, but she had a determination not to forget; she was learning revenge. Good point.
Of your three chapters, the first two are the most effective. In the third chapter, the evilness of Mart and Jean is emphasized to the point that they seem to be tyrants. Other people in their school might be terrorized by them, but not necessarily wanting to be like them; if terrorists are outrageous enough, other people will start taking them as examples of what not to do. I would suggest some moments when they display some attractive characteristics also, so that others, such as Bellatrix, would accept them as role models and begin to be influenced by their attitudes and behavior.
Of course, there is a lot more to this story that unfortunately we don’t know yet, and I wonder if you will ever finish it, or go back and rewrite it from the beginning with the increased skill or insight that you doubtless have by now. I think that even in our earliest stories, imperfectly presented as they may be, there are important grains of truth that deserve to be explored.
Wicked and HP combined!? BEST. DAY. EVER!!!!
Great start. Can't wait to read more!
Author's Response: Thank you! I will have more up as soon as I can :-)