Hi Breanna. This is Vicki of Slytherin House. I used to avoid reading romances because I assumed that they were all mushy, but I have discovered that the stories in the Other Pairing category often have interesting themes and are worth reading. Your story, for example.
Your strong point is that your story is imaginative in its details, even as you revisit a situation and relationship that is already familiar to us. We already know how this story turns out; the interesting part is how we get to that final state. There is a refreshing light-heartedness to your tone, even as you discuss a serious subject: prejudice.
You show us an Andromeda who tries to look on the bright side of even difficult situations and who thinks things through but ultimately feels confident about her decisions, knowing that in the end “all life is choosing” (a favorite quote of mine from The Dark Crystal).
Ted too is well characterized, both by what he does and says and by the thoughts you attribute to him. I notice that you do not tell the story exclusively through the eyes of just one of your characters; the focus alternates back and forth between these two people, so that you have allowed us to see the thoughts of both of them, and that helps us understand better how this obstacle-strewn relationship blossoms. In their words and especially their thoughts we see the points you wanted to make about the effects of prejudice.
I had to giggle at your spells Hairus Elongus and Hairus Shortus. Spells are generally Latin words, but your spells were mostly (three out of four) Anglo-Saxon words with Latin endings tacked on, and that made them funny. I looked through the story for other instances of humor, thinking you might have it sprinkled throughout the story (momentary bits of humor are always good, in my opinion), and I did see it in the vision of Ted’s accidentally becoming a bald teenager.
A previous reviewer noted that you could have, as a goal, the usage of words that are more descriptive, and I would say that that is true. You writing style is simple, but it will probably become more complex as you continue to gain more practice in writing fiction. It would be possible to expand the scenes in this story a little by using more descriptive language, but you don’t have to. It’s a charming story just as it stands, and I’m sure we all have wondered why in the world Ted and Andromeda named their baby “Nymphadora”. Now we have an explanation.
Author's Response: Thank you so much :) Hope you love the rest of it.
Cute start to the story - I hope you finish it.
Author's Response: Thank you so much! Of course I will. It's weird that so many people on here don't finish it. I love their story too much :)
This is a cute, sweet start to a promising story. However, you could really take it to the next level if you improve the sophistication of your writing. You use very basic, simple, generic sentences and descriptions for things. Kind of study the writing style of successful authors and pick up on the details on their writing. Little things, like instead of saying "She ran up to Ted and gave him a tight hug," you could phrase it more like, "She bounded across the room and flung her arms around his waist." The second sentences expresses more specific imagery, and will capture a reader a little more. Does that make sense?
Please don't take this review in a negative way! I really like the beginning to this story, and I wish you the best of luck!
Author's Response: I get that. Every author is different, and practicing by writing fan fiction gives me room to grow. For the most part, I'm definitely not poetic, though. It's something I've been working on, and it's hard for me to really tap into. But I'm glad you still liked the story :)