This is Vicki of Slytherin House commenting on your opening chapter. I see that it has been two years since you posted this chapter, so that probably means there’s scant chance that we will ever find out what you had in mind for these characters, but I will comment on what you have written so far.
First let me say that your writing style is smooth, with no awkward phrasing or questionable word choices. The sentences are not too short or choppy; they are of a pleasing length and complexity. There is not a lot of descriptive detail, but what is there is effective. And I like your brief battle scene, a good combination of action sentences interleaved with descriptive and explanatory sentences.
Since the story is told in the first person, from Rose’s point of view, it is her character that is the most developed in this brief opening chapter, and already you have managed to show us many aspects of her personality. The other characters, including the two original characters, Olivia and Alessia, are not so closely drawn yet, but it looks as if you intended to reveal a lot more about them in subsequent chapters, as your point of view switches back and forth between the Gryffindors and the Slytherins.
Rose and Scorpio are an oft-written pair, and that fact makes it a challenge to find something new to say about this relationship that hasn’t been said before. Similarly, interhouse rivalry gone bad has been a staple feature of the Harry Potter legendarium since Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. Your story summary mentions “a series of events”; hopefully the events you had in mind when you conceived this story were sufficiently original, unusual, and unexpected so as to be able to give a new sparkle to this already familiar situation. I hope they were meant to end up more happily than the experiences of Romeo and Juliet, whose appearance in Rose’s hidden book in the opening paragraph no doubt was intended to provide a parallel to our modern-day lovers.
At any rate, thank you for writing this one piece, and I hope you have been continuing to write, even if no longer in our little community.
This is fantastic writing! I love how you characterized Rose! Please continue!
Author's Response: Thank you! More chapters coming up! :D